Infomotions, Inc.The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle / Smollett, Tobias George, 1721-1771

Author: Smollett, Tobias George, 1721-1771
Title: The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle
Publisher: Project Gutenberg
Tag(s): peregrine; pickle
Contributor(s): Newnes, George, 1851-1910 [Editor]
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Rights: GNU General Public License
Size: 318,168 words (tome-like) Grade range: 21-25 (graduate school) Readability score: 25 (difficult)
Identifier: etext4084
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Title: The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

Author: Tobias Smollett

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In which are included

Memoirs of a Lady of Quality

By Tobias Smollett



An Account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle--The Disposition of his Sister
described--He yields to her Solicitations, and returns to the

In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by the sea,
and at the distance of one hundred miles from the metropolis, lived
Gamaliel Pickle, esq.; the father of that hero whose fortunes we
propose to record. He was the son of a merchant in London, who,
like Rome, from small beginnings had raised himself to the highest
honours of the city, and acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to
his infinite regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring
his son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to imitate
his industry, and adhere to his maxims, until he should have made
up the deficiency, which was a sum considerably less than fifteen
thousand pounds.

This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his
representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the
deceased: but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed
him, in a series of efforts, which, however, did not succeed; for
by the time he bad been fifteen years in trade, he found himself five
thousand pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of
his father's effects; a circumstance that affected him so nearly,
as to detach his inclinations from business, and induce him to retire
from the world to some place where he might at leisure deplore his
misfortunes, and, by frugality, secure himself from want, and the
apprehensions of a jail, with which his imagination was incessantly
haunted. He was often heard to express his fears of coming upon
the parish; and to bless God, that, on account of his having been
so long a housekeeper, he was entitled to that provision. In short,
his talents were not naturally active, and there was a sort of
inconsistency in his character; for, with all the desire of amassing
which any citizen could possibly entertain, he was encumbered
by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over every
interested consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by
that singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites, which
have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes;
qualities which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. Nature,
in all probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in
his composition; or, whatever seeds of excess she might have sown
within him, were effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity
of his education.

The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never
exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary
pot, on extraordinary occasions, may be supposed to have produced
in a club of sedate book-keepers, whose imaginations were neither
very warm nor luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he
was scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The
passion of love never interrupted his tranquility; and if, as Mr.
Creech says, after Horace,

    Not to admire is all the art I know;
    To make men happy, and to keep them so;

Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret;
at least, he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of
transport, except one evening at the club, where he observed, with
some demonstrations of vivacity, that he had dined upon a delicate
loin of veal.

Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not help feeling
his disappointments in trade; and upon the failure of a certain
underwriter, by which he lost five hundred pounds, declared his
design of relinquishing business, and retiring to the country. In
this resolution he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister,
Mrs. Grizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his
father, and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood, with
a fortune of five thousand pounds, and a large stock of economy
and devotion.

These qualifications, one would think, might have been the means
of abridging the term of her celibacy, as she never expressed any
aversion to wedlock; but, it seems, she was too delicate in her
choice, to find a mate to her inclination in the city: for I cannot
suppose that she remained so long unsolicited; though the charms of
her person were not altogether enchanting, nor her manner over and
above agreeable. Exclusive of a very wan (not to call it sallow)
complexion, which, perhaps, was the effects of her virginity
and mortification, she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all
engaging; and such an extent of mouth, as no art or affectation
could contract into any proportionable dimension; then her piety
was rather peevish than resigned, and did not in the least diminish
a certain stateliness in her demeanour and conversation, that
delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her family,
which, by the bye, was not to be traced two generations back by
all the power of heraldry or tradition.

She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired
before her father served the office of sheriff; and the eye which
regulated the dates of all her observation, was the mayoralty of
her papa.  Nay, so solicitous was this good lady for the support
and propagation of the family name, that, suppressing every selfish
motive, she actually prevailed upon her brother to combat with
his own disposition, and even surmount it so far, as to declare a
passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded, as we shall see
in the sequel. Indeed, she was the spur that instigated him in all
his extraordinary undertakings; and I question, whether be would or
not have been able to disengage himself from that course of life in
which he had so long mechanically moved, unless he had been roused
and actuated by her incessant exhortations. London, she observed,
was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest, unsuspecting man
was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to craft; where
innocence was exposed to continual temptations, and virtue eternally
persecuted by malice and slander; where everything was ruled by
caprice and corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised.
This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin,
as plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example
of what she advanced; and really the charge was justified by the
constructions that were put upon her retreat by her female friends,
who, far from imputing it to the laudable motives that induced her,
insinuated, in sarcastic commendations, that she had good reason
to be dissatisfied with a place where she had been so overlooked;
and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort
in the country, where, in all probability, her talents would be
less eclipsed, and her fortune more attractive.

Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were powerful
enough to convince, would have been insufficient to overcome the
languor and vis inertiae of her brother, had she not reinforced
her arguments, by calling in question the credit of two or three
merchants, with whom he was embarked in trade.

Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, be exerted himself effectually;
he withdrew his money from trade, and laying it out in Bank-stock,
and India-bonds, removed to a house in the country, which his father
had built near the sea-side, for the convenience of carrying on a
certain branch of traffic in which he had been deeply concerned.

Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in the
six-and-thirtieth year of his age; and though the pangs he felt at
parting with his intimate companions, and quitting all his former
connections, were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous
disorder in his constitution, he did not fail to be extremely
disconcerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which
he was totally a stranger. Not but that he met with abundance
of people in the country, who, in consideration of his fortune,
courted his acquaintance, and breathed nothing but friendship and
hospitality; yet, even the trouble of receiving and returning these
civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a man of his habits and
disposition.  He therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his
sister, who indulged herself in all the pride of formality; while
he himself, having made a discovery of a public-house in the
neighbourhood, went thither every evening and enjoyed his pipe and
can; being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord,
whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity;
for he shunned all superfluity of speech, as much as he avoided
any other unnecessary expense.


He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion
and his Adherents--Meets with them by Accident, and contracts an
Intimacy with that Commander.

This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the
characters in the county; and, among others, described that of his
next neighbour, Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular
and odd. "The commodore and your worship," said he, "will in a
short time be hand and glove, he has a power of money, and spends
it like a prince--that is, in his own way--for to be sure he is
a little humorsome, as the saying is, and swears woundily; though
I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a sucking babe. Lord help
us! it will do your honour's heart good to hear him tell a story,
as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm and yard-arm, board
and board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots, and grapes,
and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters. Lord
have mercy upon us! he has been a great warrior in his time, and
lost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like
any other Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as
if he were in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants turn
out in the night, watch and watch as he calls it, all the year
round. His habitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has
laid a draw-bridge, and planted his court-yard with patereroes
continually loaded with shot, under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway,
who had one of his legs shot away while he acted as lieutenant on
board the commodore's ship; and now, being on half-pay, lives with
him as his companion.  The lieutenant is a very brave man, a great
joker, and, as the saying is, hath got the length of his commander's
foot--though he has another favourite in the house called Tom
Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps the servants in
order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand at a song
concerning the boatswain's whistle, hustle-cap, and chuck-farthing--there
is not such another pipe in the county--so that the commodore lives
very happy in his own manner; though he be sometimes thrown into
perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his poor
kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were the
first occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at
the sight of an attorney, just, for all the world, as some people
have an antipathy to a cat: for it seems he was once at law, for
striking one of his officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is,
moreover, exceedingly afflicted with goblins that disturb his rest,
and keep such a racket in his house, that you would think (God
bless us!) all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him. It was
no longer ago than last year about this time, that he was tormented
the livelong night by the mischievous spirits that got into his
chamber, and played a thousand pranks about his hammock, for there is
not one bed within his walls. Well, sir, he rang his bell, called
up all his servants, got lights, and made a thorough search; but the
devil a goblin was to be found. He had no sooner turned in again,
and the rest of the family gone to sleep, than the foul fiends
began their game anew. The commodore got up in the dark, drew his
cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that in five minutes
everything in the apartment went to pieces, The lieutenant, hearing
the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told what was
the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard, fired
all the patereroes as signals of distress. Well, to be sure the
whole parish was in a pucker: some thought the French had landed;
others imagined the commodore's house was beset by thieves; for my
own part, I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon me, and
they swore, with deadly oaths, it was a gang of smugglers engaged
with a party of their regiment that lies in the next village; and
mounting their horses like lusty fellows, rode up into the country
as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah, master! These are
hard times, when an industrious body cannot earn his bread without
fear of the gallows.  Your worship's father (God rest his soul!)
was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as e'er
a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour should want
a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nantes, I'll
be bound you shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, as
I was saying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson
being sent for, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the
house has been pretty quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway
makes a mock of the whole affair; and told his commander, in this
very blessed spot, that the two goblins were no other than a couple
of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney, and made a flapping
with their wings up and down the apartment. But the commodore, who
is very choleric, and does not like to be jeered, fell into a main
high passion, and stormed like a perfect hurricane, swearing that
he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as e'er a man in the three
kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds were found, but denied
that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own part, master,
I believe much may be said on both sides of the question; though
to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is."

This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered
one feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard
it to an end, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with a look
of infinite sagacity and deliberation, "I do suppose he is of the
Cornish Trunnions. What sort of a woman is his spouse?" "Spouse!"
cried the other; "odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the
queen of Sheba. Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to
be in the garrison, but turns them into an out-house every night
before the watch is set. Bless your honour's soul, he is, as it
were, a very oddish kind of a gentleman. Your worship would have
seen him before now; for, when he is well, he and my good master
Hatchway come hither every evening, and drink a couple of cans of
rumbo a piece; but he has been confined to his house this fortnight
by a plaguy fit of the gout, which, I'll assure your worship, is
a good penny out of my pocket."

At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange
noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave
immediate indications of alarm. This composition of notes at first
resembled the crying of quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but
as it approached nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds
pronounced with great violence, in such a cadence as one would
expect to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs
of an ass; it was neither speaking nor braying, but a surprising
mixture of both, employed in the utterance of terms absolutely
unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who had just opened
his mouth to express his curiosity, when the starting up at the
well-known sound, cried, "Odd's niggers! there is the commodore
with his company, as sure as I live," and with his apron began to
wipe the dust off an elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and
kept sacred for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander.
While he vas thus occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than
the former, bawled aloud, "Ho! the house, a-hoy!" Upon which the
publican, clapping a hand to each side of his head with his thumbs
fixed to his ears, rebellowed in the same tone, which he had learned
to imitate, "Hilloah." The voice again exclaimed, "Have you got any
attorneys aboard?" and when the landlord replied, "No, no," this
man of strange expectation came in, supported by his two dependents,
and displayed a figure every way answerable to the oddity of his
character. He was in stature at least six feet high, though he had
contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long on board; his
complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by a large
scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the place of one
eye. Being seated in his chair, with great formality the landlord
complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again; and
having in a whisper communicated the name of his fellow-guest, whom
the commodore already knew by report, went to prepare, with all
imaginable despatch, the first allowance of his favourite liquor,
in three separate cans (for each was accommodated with his own
portion apart), while the lieutenant sat down on the blind side
of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing his distance, with great
modesty took his station in the rear.

After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by this
ferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a
sternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in these
words: "D-- my eyes! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better
seaman than to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood!
didn't I tell you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set
in the ice-brace, and haul up a wind?"--"Yes," replied the other,
with an arch sneer, "I do confess as how you did give such orders,
after you had run us foul of a post, so as that the carriage lay
along, and could not right herself."--"I run you foul of a post!"
cried the commander: "d-- my heart! you're a pretty dog, an't you,
to tell me so above-board to my face? Did I take charge of the
chaise? Did I stand at the helm?"--"No," answered Hatchway; "I must
confess you did not steer; but, howsomever, you cunned all the way,
and so, as you could not see how the land lay, being blind of your
larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew anything of the
matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth of what I
say."--"D-- my limbs!" resumed the commodore, "I don't value what
you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a couple of mutinous--I'll
say no more; but you shan't run your rig upon me, d-- ye, I am the
man that learnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a

The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of
his captain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any further;
but taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who very
courteously returned the compliment, without, however, presuming
to join in the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause.
During this interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in
several practical jokes upon the commodore, with whom he knew it
was dangerous to tamper in any other way. Being without the sphere
of his vision, he securely pilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo,
made wry faces, and, to use the vulgar phrase, cocked his eye at
him, to the no small entertainment of the spectators, Mr. Pickle
himself not excepted, who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction
at the dexterity of this marine p pantomime.

Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and he was
pleased to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive
of Jack, to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him.
This task was accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who,
among paragraphs, read that which follows, with an elevation of
voice which seemed to prognosticate something extraordinary: "We
are informed, that Admiral Bower will very soon be created a British
peer, for his eminent services during the war, particularly in his
late engagement with the French fleet."

Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence: the ring
dropped front his hand, and shivered into a thousand pieces; his
eye glistened like that of a rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed
before he could pronounce, "Avast! overhaul that article again!"

It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table
with his fist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis
of rage and indignation, exclaimed, "D-- my heart and liver! 'tis
a land lie, d'ye see; and I will maintain it to be a lie, from the
sprit-sail yard to the mizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder!
Will.  Bower a peer of this realm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce
knows a mast from a manger! a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have
ordered to the gun, for stealing eggs out of the hen-coops! and
I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a ship before be could keep a
reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and forgotten! If so be as this
be the case, there is a rotten plank in our constitution, which
ought to be hove down and repaired, d-- my eyes! For my own part,
d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs: I did not rise in the
service by parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b-- of a wife.
I was not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the
quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D--
my limbs! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices
on board from cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you
Tunley, there's the hand of a seaman, you dog."

So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and honoured him with
such a squeeze, as compelled him to roar with great vociferation, to
the infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a
little unblended by this acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus
proceeded, in a less outrageous strain: "They make a d--d noise
about this engagement with the French: but, egad!  it was no more
than a bumboat battle, in comparison with some that I have seen.
There was old Rook and Jennings, and another whom I'll be d--d
before I name, that knew what fighting was. As for my own share,
d'ye see, I am none of those that hallo in their own commendation:
but if so be that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter, some of
those little fellows that hold their heads so high would be taken
all aback, as the saying is: they would be ashamed to show their
colours, d-- my eyes! I once lay eight glasses alongside of the
Flour de Louse, a French man-of-war, though her mettle was heavier,
and her complement larger by a hundred hands than mine. You, Jack
Hatchway, d-- ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell a story,
because you never heard it before?"

"Why, look ye, sir," answered the lieutenant, "I am glad to find you
can stand your own trumpeter on occasion; though I wish you would
change the tune, for that is the same you have been piping every
watch for these ten months past. Tunley himself will tell you he
has heard it five hundred times."--"God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway,"
said the landlord, interrupting him; "as I am an honest man and a
housekeeper, I never heard a syllable of the matter."

This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely agreeable
to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, "Aha! Jack,
I thought I should bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes:
but suppose you had heard it before, is that any reason why it
shouldn't be told to another person? There's the stranger, belike he
has heard it five hundred times too; han't you, brother? addressing
himself to Mr. Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing
curiosity, "No, never;" he thus went on: "Well, you seem to be an
honest, quiet sort of a man; and therefore you must know, as I said
before, I fell in with a French man-of-war, Cape Finistere bearing
about six leagues on the weather bow, and the chase three leagues
to leeward, going before the wind: whereupon I set my studding sails;
and coming up with her, hoisted my jack and ensign, and poured in
a broadside, before you could count three rattlins in the mizen
shrouds; for I always keep a good look-out, and love to have the
first fire."

"That I'll be sworn," said Hatchway: "for the day we made the
Triumph you ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the
same token we below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls; and I
won a can of punch from the gunner by killing the first bird."

Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, "You
lie, lubber! D-- your bones! what business have you to come always
athwart my hawse in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can
bear witness whether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of
a ----, and that upon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear
of us when I gave orders to fire?"

Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give
his evidence, after divers strange gesticulations, opened his mouth
like a gasping cod, and with a cadence like that of the east wind
singing through a cranny, pronounced, "Half a quarter of a league
right upon our lee-beam."

"Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab," cried the commodore, "nearer by
twelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood
of Hatchway's jaw--and so, brother, d'ye see," turning to Pickle,
"I lay alongside of the Flour de Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm,
plying out great guns and small arms, and heaving in stink-pots,
powder-bottles, and hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended,
double-headed, partridge and grape: then we loaded with iron crows,
marlin-spikes, and old nails; but finding the Frenchman took a
good deal of drubbing, and that he had shot away all our rigging,
and killed and wounded a great number of our men, d'ye see, I
resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, and so ordered our
grapplings to be got ready; but monsieur, perceiving what we were
about, filled his topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a log
upon the water, and our scuppers running with blood."

Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention
to the rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to
entertain them with more stories of the same nature; after which
he observed, by way of encomium on the government, that all he had
gained in the service was a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The
lieutenant, who could not find in his heart to lose any opportunity
of being witty at the expense of his commander, gave a loose to
his satirical talent once more, saying,--"I have heard as how you
came by your lame foot, by having your upper decks over-stowed with
liquor, whereby you became crank, and rolled, d'ye see, in such a
manner, that by a pitch of the ship your starboard heel was jammed
in one of the scuppers; and as for the matter of your eye, that
was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning was paid off:
there's poor Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours of the
rainbow for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; and
I don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he deserves."

As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes,
however unseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive
them with good humour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing;
and replied, "Ay, ay, Jack, everybody knows your tongue is no
slander; but, howsomever, I'll work you to an oil for this, you
dog." So saying, he lifted up one of his crutches, intending to lay
it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate; but Jack, with great agility,
tilted up his wooden leg, with which he warded off the blow, to
the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter astonishment of
the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed the same amazement,
at the same feet, at the same hour, every night, for three months
before.  Trunnion then, directing his eye to the boatswain's mate,
"You, Pipes," said he, "do you go about and tell people that I
did not reward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these
rebellious rapscallions? D-- you, han't you been rated on the books
ever since?"

Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe with
great indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to
these interrogations; which being repeated and reinforced with many
oaths, that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out
his purse, saying, "Here, you b-- baby, here's something better
than a smart ticket;" and threw it at his silent deliverer, who
received and pocketed his bounty, without the least demonstration of
surprise or satisfaction; while the donor, turning to Mr. Pickle,
"You see, brother," said he, "I make good the old saying; we sailors
get money like horses, and spend it like asses: come, Pipes, let's
have the boatswain's whistle, and be jovial."

This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrument
that hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a chain of the same
metal, and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes,
produced a sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger, as it were
instinctively, stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing
from such a dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed,
Pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended
from the ceiling, and without once moving them from that object,
performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be
the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's horn: the
commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord, joined in the chorus,
repeating this elegant stanza:--

    Bustle, bustle, brave boys!
      Let us sing, let us toil,
      And drink all the while,
      Since labour's the price of our joys.

The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted
to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and the next word
taken up at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive
and harmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another;
Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence
immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by
the hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a
mess of pork and pease in the garrison. The compliment was returned,
good-fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced,
when the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master
home; upon which, the new friends parted, after a mutual promise
of meeting next evening in the same place.


Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for her
Brother; who is accordingly introduced to the young Lady, whom he
marries in due Season.

I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of
Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of
these memoirs; but now it is high time to resume the consideration
of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, had been
engrossed by a double care, namely, that of finding a suitable
match for her brother, and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself.

Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail aggression,
but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition, which prompted
her to the preservation of the family name. Nay, so disinterested
was she in this pursuit, that, postponing her nearest concern, or
at least leaving her own fate to the silent operation of her charms,
she laboured with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother,
that before they had been three months settled in the country, the
general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was an intended
match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair Miss Appleby, daughter
of a gentleman who lived in the next parish, and who though he had
but little fortune to bestow upon his children, had, to use his
own phrase, replenished their veins with some of the best blood in
the country.

This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs. Grizzle had
investigated to her own satisfaction, was destined for the spouse
of Mr. Pickle; and an overture accordingly made to her father,
who, being overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without
hesitation, and even recommended the immediate execution of the
project with such eagerness, as seemed to indicate either a suspicion
of Mr. Pickle's constancy, or a diffidence of his own daughter's
complexion, which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much
longer cool. The previous point being thus settled, our merchant,
at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit his future
father-in-law, and was introduced to the daughter, with whom he
had, that same afternoon, an opportunity of being alone. What passed
in that interview I never could learn, though from the character
of the suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not
much teased with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I
believe, the less welcome for that reason: certain it is she made
no objection to his taciturnity; and when her father communicated
his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious resignation. But
Mrs.  Grizzle, in order to give the lady a more favourable idea
of his intellects than his conversation could possibly inspire,
resolved to dictate a letter, which her brother should transcribe
and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own understanding,
and had actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose;
yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension
of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's repeated
admonitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing, for himself, and
despatching the letter one afternoon, while Mrs. Grizzle was visiting
at the parson's.

Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation;
but having been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely
necessary for him to make a declaration of his love in writing,
he took this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice,
when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other
suggestion, without suspecting in the least that she intended to
save him the trouble of exercising his own genius. Left, therefore,
as he imagined, to his own inventions, he sat down, and produced
the following morceau, which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before
his sister and counsellor had the least intimation of the affair:--

                    "Miss Sally Appleby.
    "Madam,--Understanding you have a parcel of heart, warranted
    sound, to be disposed of, shall be pleased to treat for said
    commodity, on reasonable terms; doubt not, shall agree for
    same; shall wait on you for further information, when and where
    you shall appoint. This the needful from--Yours, etc.
                                    "Gam. Pickle."

This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as
cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as
if it had been couched in the most elegant terms that delicacy of
passion and cultivated genius could supply; nay, I believe, was the
more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness; because when
an advantageous match is in view, a sensible woman often considers
the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as
ensnaring ambiguities, or, at best, impertinent preliminaries, that
retard the treaty they are designed to promote; whereas Mr. Pickle
removed all disagreeable uncertainty, by descending at once to the
most interesting particular.

She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated this billet-doux
to her father, than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle,
and, in presence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a formal explanation
of his sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel,
without any ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young
woman, and, with his good leave, would take her for better, for
worse. Mr. Appleby, after having expressed his satisfaction that
he had fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with
the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady; and they
forthwith proceeded to the articles of the marriage-settlement,
which being discussed and determined, a lawyer was ordered to
engross them; the wedding-clothes were bought, and, in short, a
day was appointed for the celebration of their nuptials, to which
everybody of any fashion in the neighbourhood was invited. Among
these, commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten,
being the sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by this
time, they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their nocturnal

They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil,
from the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare
himself; in consequence of which, the topic of the one-eyed commander's
discourse, at their meeting, for several evenings before, had been
the folly and plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great
vehemence of abuse, leveled at the fair sex, whom he represented
as devils incarnate, sent from hell to torment mankind; and
in particular inveighed against old maids, for whom he seemed to
entertain a singular aversion; while his friend Jack confirmed the
truth of all his allegations, and gratified his own malignant vein
at the same time by clenching every sentence with a sly joke upon
the married state, built upon some allusion to a ship or sea-faring
life. He compared a woman to a great gun loaded with fire, brimstone,
and noise, which, being violently heated, will bounce and fly, and
play the devil, if you don't take special care of her breechings.
He said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter,
but veers about to all points of the compass. He likened her to a
painted galley, curiously rigged, with a leak in her hold, which
her husband would never be able to stop. He observed that her
inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay; for why? because you may
heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever reaching the
bottom; that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself
moored in d--d foul ground, and after all, can't for his blood slip
his cable; and that, for his own part, though he might make short
trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of
life, he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather.

In all probability, these insinuations made some impression on the
mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much inclined to run great
risks of any kind; but the injunctions and importunities of his
sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his
sea friends, who finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding
all the hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his
invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly.


The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an Account of
the Guests.

I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance, by way
of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned
her whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms on the
single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment; sure I am,
she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she
possessed; her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her
attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue
was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp, her address
was perfectly obliging, and though conscious of the extraordinary
capacity of her month, she would not venture to hazard a laugh,
she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper, which played on
her countenance all day long; nay, she even profited by that defect
in her vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated
those features which were most to her liking, while the rest of
the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary
direction. With what humility of complaisance did she receive
the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance
of the banquet; and how piously did she seize that opportunity of
commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that it was
no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she
had occasion to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her

Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation
when the opulence of her family became the subject of conversation,
she assumed a severity of countenance; and, after having moralized
on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked on her as
a fortune were very much mistaken; for her father had left her no
more than a poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little she
had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend
on: indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she
should not have been so forward in destroying her own expectations, by
advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily
assembled; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough
to postpone any interested consideration, when it should happen
to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her
modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed those whom
it might concern, that she was no less than three years older than
the bride; though had she added ten to the reckoning, she would
have committed no mistake in point of computation.

To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of
all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the
harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the
most melodious in the world, I dare say, would have been equally
at their service could she have vied with Philomel in song; and
as the last effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed,
she was prevailed on, at the request of her new sister, to open
the ball in person.

In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival,
and almost eclipsed the bride; who, far from seeming to dispute
the pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of
her talents; contenting herself with the lot to which fortune had
already called her and which she imagined would not be the less
desirable if her sister-in-law were detached from the family.

I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during this whole
entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of
their element; and this, indeed, was the case with the bridegroom
himself, who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite
commerce, found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during
the whole scene.

Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off,
and never once in his whole life in the company of any females
above the rank of those who herd on the Point at Portsmouth, was
more embarrassed about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded
at sea by the whole French navy. He had never pronounced the word
"madam" since he was born; so that, far from entering into conversation
with the ladies, he would not even return the compliment, or give
the least note of civility when they drank to his health, and, I
verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed
the simple phrase--"your servant," to proceed from his mouth. He
was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his
body; for, either through obstinacy or bashfulness, he sat upright
without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain
wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that
was the commodore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand
at his gate?--an image, to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's
person bore no faint resemblance.

Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore,
and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common
life, made a less uncouth appearance; but then he was a wit, and
though of a very peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition
which is common to all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when
their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration,
which, in their own opinion, they deserve.

These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at,
if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some
of the graver personages of the company made a motion for adjourning
into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and
bottles, while the young folks indulged themselves in the continuance
of their own favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a
state of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made
of their existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers,
that in less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing, and soon
after was carried to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to
the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by this
accident, were prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing
certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions.  As for the
bride, she bore this misfortune with great good humour, and indeed,
on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman, perfectly well
acquainted with the nature of her own situation.


Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family--Her
Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great Moment, but is for
some time diverted from her Purpose by a very interesting Consideration.

Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs.
Grizzle before she nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became
Mrs. Pickle, than she thought it encumbent on her to act up to the
dignity of the character; and, the very day after the marriage,
ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own
pedigree, which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects
than that of her husband; observing that several younger brothers
of her house had arrived at the station of lord-mayor of London,
which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's
predecessors had ever attained.

This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began
to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined,
in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow,
who would always treat her with that profound respect which she
thought due to her superior genius, and be entirely regulated by
her advice and direction: however, she still continued to manage
the reins of government in the house, reprehending the servants as
usual; an office she performed with great capacity, and in which
she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence
of consulting her ease, told her one day she would take that trouble
on herself, and for the future assume the management of her own
family.  Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such
a declaration; to which, after a considerable pause, and strange
distortion of look, she replied: "I shall never refuse or repine
at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage."--"Dear
madam," answered the sister, "I am infinitely obliged for your
kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my own,
but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and,
therefore, insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have borne
so long."

In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task:
Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance;
and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health
and tranquility, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged
to resign her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for
complaining of her being deposed.

This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted
three or four weeks; during which period she had the additional
chagrin of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over
the mind of her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage,
and improve his housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense,
to the amount of a thousand a year at least: though his alteration
in the economy of his household effected no change in his own
disposition, or manner of life; for as soon as the painful ceremony
of receiving and returning visits was performed, he had recourse
to the company of his sea friends, with whom he spent the best part
of his time. But if he was satisfied with his condition, the case
was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding her importance in
the family greatly diminished, her attractions neglected by all
the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering hand of time
hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror of eternal
virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate to
rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation.

Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which to
a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have
appeared altogether impracticable: this was no other than to make
a conquest of the commodore's heart, which the reader will easily
believe was not very susceptible of tender impressions; but, on
the contrary, fortified with insensibility and prejudice against
the charms of the whole sex, and particularly prepossessed to the
prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation of old
maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this time unhappily ranked.
She nevertheless took the field, and having invested this seemingly
impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day, when Trunnion
dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commendations
on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people, paying a particular
attention to his plate, and affecting a simper of approbation at
everything which he said, which by any means she could construe
into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, even when
he left decency on the left hand, which was often the case, she
ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin, saying,
"Sure you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with
you." But all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from
suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening,
at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom by this time he
could take any manner of freedom, did not scruple to d-- her for
a squinting, block-faced, chattering p-- kitchen; and immediately
after drank "Despair to all old maids." The toast Mr.  Pickle
pledged without the least hesitation, and next day intimated to
his sister, who bore the indignity with surprising resignation, and
did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed
to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in another
care, which for some time interrupted the progress of this design.

Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited
evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all
concerned, and the inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we
have already hinted, was more interested in the preservation of the
family name than in any other consideration whatever. She therefore
no sooner discovered appearances to justify and confirm her hopes,
than, postponing her own purpose, and laying aside that pique and
resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle,
when she superseded her authority; or perhaps, considering her in
no other light than that of the vehicle which contained, and was
destined to convey, her brother's heir to light, she determined to
exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, and cherishing her during
the term of her important charge. With this view she purchased
Culpepper's Midwifery, which with that sagacious performance
dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied with indefatigable
care; and diligently perused the Complete Housewife, together with
Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, and conserve
which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome, for
the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law, during her gestation.
She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruit, and all
sorts of vegetables; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked
a peach with her own hand, and was in the very act of putting it
between her teeth, Mrs. Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and
running up to her, fell on her knees in the garden, entreating her,
with tears in her eyes, to desist such a pernicious appetite. Her
request was no sooner complied with, than recollecting, that if her
sister's longing was balked, the child might be affected with some
disagreeable mark or deplorable disease, she begged as earnestly
that she would swallow the fruit, and in the mean time ran for
some cordial water of her own composing, which she forced on her
sister, as an antidote to the poison she had received.

This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome
to Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers plans for the recovery
of her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs.  Grizzle in
such employment as would interrupt that close attendance, which
she found so teasing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long
for an opportunity of putting her resolution in practice. The very
next day a gentleman happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately
mentioned a pine-apple, part of which he had eaten a week before at
the house of a nobleman, who lived in another part of the country,
at the distance of a hundred miles at least.

The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced, than Mrs.
Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm,
because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and
desire; and after having observed that she herself could never eat
pine-apples, which were altogether unnatural productions, extorted
by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with
a faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking?
This young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at
once divined her meaning, and replied, with seeming unconcern, that
for her own part she should never repine if there was no pine-apple
in the universe, provided she could indulge herself with the fruits
of her own country.

This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who
would certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment
of Mrs. Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the
fruit in question. It had the desired effect, and re-established
the peace of the company, which was not a little endangered by the
gentleman's want of consideration. Next morning, however, after
breakfast, the pregnant lady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned,
as it were by accident, full in the face of her maiden sister, who
being infinitely disturbed by this convulsion, affirmed it was a
symptom of longing, and insisted upon knowing the object in desire;
when Mrs. Pickle affecting a smile told her she had eaten a most
delicious pine-apple in her sleep. This declaration was attended
with an immediate scream, uttered by Mrs. Grizzle, who instantly
perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation, clasped her in
her arms, and assured her, with a sort of hysterical laugh, that
she could not help screaming with joy, because she had it in her
power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a lady in the neighbourhood
having promised to send her, as a present, a couple of delicate
pine-apples, which she would on that very day go in quest of.

Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal, on pretence
of sparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and assured her, that if
she had any desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the
disappointment could produce no bad consequence. But this assurance
was conveyed in a manner, which she knew very well how to adopt,
that, instead of dissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set
out immediately, not on a visit to that lady, whose promise she
herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's tranquility,
but on a random Search through the whole country for this unlucky
fruit, which was like to produce so much vexation and prejudice to
her and her father's house.

During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a valet,
ride from place to place without success, unmindful of her health,
and careless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature
of her inquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and
distraction, that everybody with whom she conversed, looked upon her
as an unhappy person, whose intellects were not a little disordered.

Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length
decided to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious
stranger had been (for her) so unfortunately regaled, and actually
arrived, in a post-chaise, at the place of his habitation, when
she introduced her business as an affair on which the happiness of
a whole family depended. By virtue of a present to his lordship's
gardener, she procured the Hesperian fruit, with which she returned
in triumph.


Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's
Longings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directions
and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account,
and resumes the Plan which she had before rejected.

The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to
practise more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not
been deterred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally,
in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone;
which, while it lasted, as effectually conduced to her repose, as
any other stratagem she could invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health
was no sooner restored, than the other, being as much incommoded
as ever, was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some
other contrivance; and managed her artifices in such a manner, as
leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical
and capriccios in her appetites as she herself pretended to be;
for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate
and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense, and
even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be
strangely diseased.

One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with
infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo
the operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another
she undertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable
desire; which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit
his chin to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished
for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard.
When this proposal was first communicated to Mr.  Trunnion by the
husband, his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths,
accompanied with such a stare, and delivered in such a tone
of voice, as terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence;
so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain to take the whole enterprise upon
herself, and next day went to the garrison accordingly, where,
having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while
his commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the joke's
sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and then accosted
him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning walk. He
was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he had
hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to
utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch;
when Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him,
with many pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request,
which was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous
manner that the whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and
the word damnation, which he repeated with surprising volubility,
without any sort of propriety or connection; and retreated into
his penetralia, leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture
she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart.

Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately
disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to
interest the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause.
With this view she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who,
being highly pleased with a circumstance so productive of mirth
and diversion, readily entered into her measures, and promised to
employ his whole influence for her satisfaction; and as for the
boatswain's mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of
a guinea, which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle
was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten
days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly pestered with
her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates, that he
swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a burden
to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like
a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is
led to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their
dogs. After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the
conquerors imagined; for the patient being set, and the performer
prepared with a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred:
she could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole
superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much
alarmed and disconcerted, had recourse to a magnifying-glass that
stood upon her toilet; and, after a most accurate examination,
discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which the instrument being
applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small
discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more severe
than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part with
another hair to save them all from damnation.

Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzle
repeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf
to all her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house,
she clasped his knees, and begged for the love of God that he would
have compassion upon a distressed family, and endure a little more
for the sake of the poor infant, who would otherwise be born with
a gray beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather
exasperated by this reflection; to which he replied with great
indignation, "D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--! I'll be hanged, long
enough before he has any beard at all:" so saying, he disengaged
himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and halted homewards
with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake
him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs. Grizzle was so
much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure compassion,
desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her own wish
was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once,
having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience.

But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the
achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employed
without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the
ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived
an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should
be the genuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity
for despatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she
could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs.
Grizzle undertook that province, and actually set sail in a cutter
for Boulogne, from whence she returned in eight-and-forty hours
with a tub full of those live animals, which being dressed according
to art, her sister did not taste them, on pretence that her fit of
longing was past: but then her inclinations took a different turn,
and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady
of quality in the neighbourhood, which was reported to be a great
curiosity: this was no other than a porcelain chamber-pot of admirable
workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner, who kept it for
her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil of inestimable

Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her
sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture; because she
knew it was not to be purchased; and the lady's character, which
was none of the most amiable in point of humanity and condescension,
forbad all hopes of borrowing it for a season: she therefore
attempted to reason down this capricious appetite, as an extravagance
of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed; and Mrs.
Pickle, to all appearance was convinced and satisfied by her
arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could make use of no other
convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression.
Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be, Mrs. Grizzle
flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private audience,
disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored the
benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received
her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing.
Mr. Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he
was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed
at this last accident, and for the future kept her fancy within
bounds; insomuch, that without being subject to any more extraordinary
trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest
expectation in the birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few
months brought into the world.

I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite
on this important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's
mother and aunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at
the ceremony as godfather to the child, who was christened by the
name of Peregrine, in compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle.
While the mother confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining
her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant baby double
claim, and superintended, with surprising vigilance, the nurse and
midwife in all the particulars of their respective offices, which
were performed by her express direction. But no sooner was Mrs.
Pickle in a condition to reassume the management of her own affairs,
when she thought proper to alter certain regulations concerning the
child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders,
directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which
the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy,
should be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all
restraint, and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with
her own hands she plunged him headlong every morning into a tub
full of cold water.  This operation seemed so barbarous to the
tender-hearted Mrs.  Grizzle, that she not only opposed it with
all her eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice
when it was made; and took horse immediately, and departed for the
habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she consulted in
these words: "Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous and cruel to
be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by sousing it
in water as cold as ice?"--"Yes," replied the doctor, "downright
murder, I affirm."--"I see you are a person of great learning and
sagacity," said the other; "and I must beg you will be so good
as to signify your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor
immediately complied with her request, and expressed himself upon
a slip of paper to this purpose:--

    "These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly
    believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever
    letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even
    though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in
    effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness
    my hand,
                       "Comfit Colocynth."

Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was
handsomely acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with
such authority, to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next
morning, when her nephew was about to undergo his diurnal baptism,
she produced the commission, whereby she conceived herself empowered
to overrule such inhuman proceedings, but she was disappointed in
her expectation, confident as it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended
to differ in opinion from Dr. Colocynth, "for whose character
and sentiments," said she, "I have such veneration, that I shall
carefully observe the caution implied in this very certificate, by
which, far from condemning my method of practice, he only asserts
that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of which, it is
to be hoped, I shall never dispute."

Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially
considered the clause by which she thought herself authorized,
perused the paper with more accuracy, and was confounded at her
own want of penetration. Yet, though she was confuted, she was by
no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable;
on the contrary, after having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets
on the physician, for his want of knowledge and candour, she protested
in the most earnest and solemn manner the pernicious practice of
dipping the child--a piece of cruelty which, with God's assistance,
she should never suffer to be inflicted on her own issue; and washing
her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue,
shut herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation.
She was deceived, however, in her prognostic. The boy, instead of
declining in point of health, seemed to acquire fresh vigour from
every plunge, as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and
foresight of his aunt, who in all probability could never forgive
him for this want of reverence and respect. This conjecture is
founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy,
during which she was known to torture him more than once, when she
had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any
danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little
time altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom
she abandoned to the conduct of his mother, whose province it
undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of her own child; while she
herself resumed her operations upon the commodore, whom she was
resoled at any rate to captivate and enslave. And it must be owned
that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human heart never shone so
conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment
of this important aim.

Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion,
she could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and
self-conceit that generally predominate even in the most savage
beast; and to this she constantly appealed. In his presence she
always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest dissimulation
of the world, and never failed of uttering particular invectives
against those arts of chicanery in which the lawyers are so
conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures;
observing that in a seafaring life, as far as she had opportunities
of judging or being informed, there was nothing but friendship,
sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or

This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular
civilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the
commodore, and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were
built upon very slender foundations.  His antipathy to old maids,
which he had conceived upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish
when he found they were not quite such infernal animals as they had
been presented; and it was not long before he was heard to observe,
at the club, that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of
b-- in her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the
medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who,
thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and attention; so that, in
less than three months after, he in the same place distinguished
her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade.

Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared
foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander,
with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her
stern; and he did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would
be the better for being taken in tow. "But howsomever," added this
arch adviser, "I'd have you take care of your upper-works; for if
once you are made fast to her poop, egad! She'll spank it away,
and make every beam in your body crack with straining."

Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the
effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and
suspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to
a cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such
as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder,
he, after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these
words:--"D-- you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the
stowage in your hold to be as sound as I am; and as for being taken
in tow, d'ye see, I'm not so disabled that I can lie my course,
and perform my voyage without assistance; and, egad! no man shall
ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging astern, in the wake of e'er a b--
in Christendom."

Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with
regard to the subject of his night's conversation with his friends,
soon received the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to
matrimony; and justly imputing the greatest part of his disgust to
the satirical insinuations of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this
obstruction to her success, and actually found means to interest
him in her scheme. She had indeed, on some occasions, a particular
knack at making converts, being probably not unacquainted with
that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest
personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much more effectual
than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even when supported
by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity
to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in his captain's
marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical
disposition.  Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned,
he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against
the matrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in
the positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities
of excepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally
bestowed upon the rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like
Nan Castick, of Deptford," he would say; "not a nincompoop, like
Peg Simper, of Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of
Chatham; nor a shrew, like Nell Griffin, on the Point, Portsmouth"
(ladies to whom, at different times, they had both paid their
addresses); "but a tight, good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows
very well how to box her compass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed
alow, with a good cargo under her hatches." The commodore at first
imagined this commendation was ironical; but, hearing it repeated
again and again, was filled with astonishment at this surprising
change in the lieutenant's behaviour; and, after a long fit of
musing, concluded that Hatchway himself harboured a matrimonial
design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle.

Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and
one night toasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a
circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal
of her intelligence; and interpreting as the result of his own
tenderness for her, she congratulated herself on the victory she
had obtained; and thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve
she had hitherto industriously affected, resolved from that day
to sweeten her behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection
as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with
a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this determination, he was
invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated with such cloying
proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the company, but
even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarm accordingly,
could not help exclaiming, "Oho! I see how the land lies, and if
I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d." Having thus expressed
himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way
to the garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten
days, and had no communication with his friends and domestics but
by looks, which were most significantly picturesque.


Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to
overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and
tortured into the Noose of Wedlock.

This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle
so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after
having confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her
brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired
that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last will.
Mr.  Pickle, surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a
comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous, and
that he would instantly send for a physician, who would convince
her that she was in no manner of jeopardy; so that there was
no occasion at present to employ any officious attorney in such a
melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion
that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself
was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and personal estate.
But she insisted on his compliance with such determined obstinacy,
that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, a arriving,
she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed
to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning
ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship
and affection.  Her brother, though he did not much relish this
testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an
account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr.
Pickle assured him, generously remembered by the testatrix.

The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched
for an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's
features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they
had retained so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister
lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand
pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion;
and Mr.  Hatchway, imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take
advantage of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and
visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him. But his
admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable. Trunnion no sooner
heard him mention the cause of her disorder, than his morosity
recurring, he burst out into a violent fit of cursing, and forthwith
betook himself again to his hammock, where he lay, uttering, in a
low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations,
for the space of four-and-twenty hours, without ceasing. This
was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to enhance the
pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduce to the
success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the
execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed
on Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the
chimney, belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and
lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being
performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed
down the vent, in a voice like thunder, "Trunnion! Trunnion! turn
out and be spliced, or he still and be d--."

This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence
and darkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage
through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the
astonished commodore, than turning his eyes towards the place from
whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering
object that vanished in an instant. Just as his superstitious
fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger
clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden
explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than
the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswain's
mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he had
time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected
by his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from
the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.

At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation.
He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid
to this alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat
bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled
up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the
convulsive vibrations of his jaws.

In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, bursting
open the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which
happened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant in
a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an
ejaculation of "Lord have mercy upon us!" and being questioned by
the terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured
him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion
himself had been discomposed.

Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence
to the same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had
heard the voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all
the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested.

A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravely
observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in those
signals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard
its commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects,
more advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably
expect; declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his
soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a
man who despised the will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the
same pious resolution.

Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity
of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all
the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after
having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his
own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving
a piteous groan, yielded to their remonstrances in these words:
"Well, since it must be so, I think we must ev'n grapple. But d--
my eyes!  'tis a d--d hard case that a fellow of my years should
be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of my
life against the current of my own inclination."

This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in
the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely
rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her
ears.  Sick as she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the
contrivance, in consequence of which her swain's assent had been
obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in
consideration of the part he acted in the farce.

In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to
her apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her
in a languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by
her sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely
solicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored
him touching his behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand
wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of "How
d'ye?" to his mistress; and after his counsellor had urged him with
twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had replied aloud,
"D-- your eyes, I won't," he got up, and halting towards the couch
on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation,
he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips; but this piece
of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant
manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the
compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so disconcerted
at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of
the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and vexation.

Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence
of going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint,
recollected that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither
he descended, leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments.
Never had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma
before. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every moment
dreaded the dissolution of nature; and the imploring sighs of his
future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress.
Impatient of this situation, he rolled his eye around in quest
of some relief, and, unable to contain himself, exclaimed, "D--n
seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has sheered off,
and left me here in the stays."

Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation
of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to
him, that he could not put up with her company for a few moments
without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him
with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he
replied, "Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his
office when he wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial
block, d'ye see, and d-- all nonsensical palaver." So saying, he
retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plain
dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon
the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant, settled
to the satisfaction of all parties, without the intervention of
lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in
the business; making that condition the indispensable preliminary
of the whole agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs.
Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health, which, by the bye,
was never dangerously impaired. she recovered as if by enchantment;
and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the short period
of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration of her
entrance into the married state.


Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed
by an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither.

The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the
county; and, on the day appointed for their spousals, the church
was surrounded by an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give
a specimen of his gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway,
resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of
all his male attendants, whom he had rigged with the white shirts
and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew; and he
bought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his
lieutenant. With this equipage, then, he set out from the garrison
for the church, after having despatched a messenger to apprise the
bride that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately
into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and drove
directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were
demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the
eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed.
Thus arrived at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited
a whole half-hour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began
to be under some apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant
to quicken his pace. The valet having ridden something more than
a mile, espied the whole troop disposed in a long field, crossing
the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom and his friend
Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding
farther in the same direction, fired a pistol, and stood over to
the other side, making an obtuse angle with the line of his former
course; and the rest of the squadron followed his example, keeping
always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wild geese.

Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came
up, and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected
him in the church, where they had tarried a considerable time,
and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay, and therefore
desired he would proceed with more expedition. To this message Mr.
Trunnion replied, "Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all
possible speed? go back, and tell those who sent you, that the
wind has shifted since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged
to make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the narrowness
of the channel; and that as we be within six points of the wind,
they must make some allowance for variation and leeway."--"Lord,
sir!" said the valet, "what occasion have you to go zig-zag in
that manner? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride straight
forward, and I'll engage yea shall be at the church-porch in
less than a quarter of an hour."-"What? right in the wind's eye?"
answered the commodore; "ahey! brother, where did you learn your
navigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day
how to lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you,
brother, you best know the trim of your own frigate."

The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be
easily persuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple,
and made a report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small
consolation of the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of
disquiet. Composed, however, by this piece of intelligence, she
exerted her patience for the space of another half-hour, during which
period, seeing no bridegroom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed;
so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation,
which manifested itself in frequent palpitations, heart-heavings,
and alterations of countenance, in spite of the assistance of a
smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils.

Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion: some
imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never
been at church since he first settled in that parish; others
believed he had met with some accident, in consequence of which
his attendants had carried him back to his own house; and a third
set, in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended,
could not help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind.
But all these suppositions, ingenious as they were, happened to be
wide of the true cause that detained him, which was no other than
this: the commodore and his crew had, by dint of turning, almost
weathered the parson's house that stood to windward of the church,
when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of
the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant bestrode. These
fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound, than, eager for
the chase, they sprang away all of a sudden, and strained every
nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fields with incredible
speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything in their way,
without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The lieutenant,
whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would be
great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle
with his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing
himself off in his passage through a field of rich clover, among
which he lay at his ease; and seeing his captain advancing, at
full gallop, hailed him with the salutation of "What cheer? Ho!"
The commodore, who was in infinite distress, eyeing him askance as
he passed, replied, with a faltering voice, "0, d-- ye!--you are
safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were as fast moored."

Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not venture
to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway but
resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until
Providence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped
his whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel,
contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat,
and grinning most formidably in consequence of this exertion. In
this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way, when all of
a sudden his view was comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared
before him, as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter
must necessarily end. But, alas! he reckoned without his host. Far
from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprang over it with
amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner,
who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and now began to think,
in good earnest, that he was actually mounted on the back of the
devil.  He recommended himself to God; his reflections forsook
him; his eyesight and all his other senses failed; he quitted the
reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this condition
conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at
the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be
wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to
their view. The commodore's person was at all times an object of
admiration; much more so on this occasion, when every singularity
was aggravated by the circumstances of his dress and disaster.

He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of blue
broad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and trimmed with five
dozen of brass buttons large and small; his breeches were of the
same piece, fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape; his
waistcoat was of red plush lappelled with green velvet, and garnished
with vellum holes; his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in
colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets; his shoulder was
graced with a broad buff belt, from whence depended a huge hanger
with a hilt like that of a backsword; and on each side of his pommel
appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case covered with a bearskin.
The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat, which were curiosities
of the kind, did not at all contribute to the improvement of the
picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and
the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to the peculiarity
and extravagance of the whole.

Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company
from the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different
route; but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way
than that which the stag followed and therefore, without stopping
to gratify the curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes
outstripped every hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow
betwixt him and the hounds, rather than ride round, about the
length of a furlong, in a path that crossed the lane, he transported
himself at one jump, to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of
a waggoner who chanced to be underneath, and saw this phenomenon
fly over his carriage. This was not the only adventure he achieved.
The stag, having taken a deep river that lay in his way,  every
man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood; but our
bridegroom's courser, despising all such conveniences, plunged
into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a twinkling to the
opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an element of which
Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped to
recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, at his landing on the
other side gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for
assistance, which he could not possibly receive, because his horse
still maintained the advantage he had gained, and would not allow
himself to be overtaken.

In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended
to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the
deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated
by the same spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's

Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other
words, at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first
pause, to desire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting;
and by their condescension, safely placed on the grass, where he
sat staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness of
astonishment in his looks, as if he bad been a creature of another
species, dropped among them from the clouds.

Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself;
and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his
pocket and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other
than neat Cognac, which it really was; and expressing a desire of
participation, was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose,
which perfectly completed his recovery.

By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the
whole crowd: while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon
spirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprising
appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en
passant; and at length, one of the gentlemen, accosting him very
courteously, signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage,
and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way.  "Why look
ye, brother," replied the commodore, "mayhap you think me an odd
sort of a fellow, seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost
part of my rigging; but this here is the case, d'ye see: I weighed
anchor from my own house this morning, at ten A.M. with fair
weather, and a favourable breeze at south-south-east, being bound
to the next church on the voyage of matrimony: but howsomever, we
had not run down a quarter of a league, when the wind shifting,
blowed directly in our teeth; so that we were forced to tack all
the way, d'ye see, and had almost been up within sight of the port,
when these sons-of-b--s of horses, which I had bought but two days
before (for my own part, I believe they are devils incarnate),
luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the helm, drove away
like lightning with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchor
in an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, I have been carried
over rocks, and quicksands; among which I have pitched away a special
good tie-periwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God!
am got into smooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my
carcass upon such a hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b-- again, my name
is not Hawser Trunnion, d-- my eyes!"

One of the company, struck with this name, which lie had often
heard, immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of
this singular account, and, observing that his horses were very
vicious, asked how he intended to return. "As for that matter,"
replied Mr.  Trunnion, "I am resolved to hire a sledge or waggon,
or such a thing as a jackass; for I'll be d--d if ever I cross the
back of a horse again."--"And what do you propose to do with these
creatures?" said the other, pointing to the hunters; "they seem to
have some mettle; but then they are mere colts, and will take the
devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this hinder one is
shoulder-slipped."--"D-- them," cried the commodore, "I
wish both their necks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good
yellow-boys.".-"Forty guineas!" exclaimed the stranger, who was
a squire and a jockey, as well as owner of the pack, "Lord! Lord!
how a man may be imposed upon! Why, these cattle are clumsy enough
to go to plough; mind what a flat counter; do but observe how sharp
this here one is in the withers; then he's fired in the further
fetlock." In short, this connoisseur in horse-flesh, having
discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be found in
this species of animal, offered to give him ten guineas for the
two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden. The owner,
who, after what had happened, was very well disposed to listen to
anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believed the
truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley
of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith
struck a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his
purchase; in consequence of which he won the plate at the next
Canterbury races.

This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both
parties, as well as to the general entertainment of the company,
who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend,
Trunnion was set upon the squire's own horse, and led by his servant
in the midst of this cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring
village, where they had bespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom
found means to provide himself with another hat and wig. With
regard to his marriage, he bore his disappointment with the temper
of a philosopher; and the exercise he had undergone having quickened
his appetite, sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance,
making a very hearty meal, and moistening every morsel with a
draught of the ale, which he found very much to his satisfaction.


He is found by Lieutenant--Reconducted to his own House--Married
to Mrs. Grizzle, who meets with a small misfortune in the Night,
and asserts her Prerogative next Morning, in consequence of which
her Husband's Eye is endangered.

Meanwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the church,
where he informed the company of what had happened to the commodore:
and the bride behaved with great decency on the occasion; for, as
she understood the danger to which her future husband was exposed,
she fainted in the arms of her sister-in-law, to the surprise of all
the spectators, who could not comprehend the cause of her disorder;
and when she was recovered by the application of smelling-bottles,
earnestly begged that Mr. Hatchway and Tom Pipes should take her
brother's coach, and go in quest of their commander.

This task they readily undertook, being escorted by all the rest of
his adherents on horseback; while the bride and her friends were
invited to the parson's horse, and the ceremony deferred till
another occasion.

The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of direction
in which Trunnion went off, as the coach-road would permit, got
intelligence of his track from one farm-house to another; for such
an apparition could not fail of attracting particular notice; and
one of the horsemen having picked up his hat and wig in a by-path,
the whole troop entered the village where he was lodged, about
four o'clock in the afternoon. When they understood he was safely
housed at the George, they rode up to the door in a body, and
expressed their satisfaction in three cheers; which were returned
by the company within, as soon as they were instructed in the
nature of the salute by Trunnion, who, by this time, had entered
into all the jollity of his new friends, and was indeed more than
half-seas-over.  The lieutenant was introduced to all present as
his sworn brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom
Pipes and the crew were regaled in another room; and, a fresh pair
of horses being put to the coach, about six in the evening the
commodore, with all his attendants, departed for the garrison,
after having shook hands with every individual in the house.

Without any further accident, he was conveyed in safety to his own
gate before nine, and committed to the care of Pipes, who carried
him instantly to his hammock, while the lieutenant was driven away
to the place where the bride and her friends remained in great
anxiety, which vanished when he assured them that his commodore
was safe, being succeeded by abundance of mirth and pleasantry at
the account he gave of Trunnion's adventure.

Another day was fixed for the nuptials; and in order to balk the
curiosity of idle people, which had given great offence, the parson
was prevailed upon to perform the ceremony in the garrison, which
all that day was adorned with flags and pendants displayed; and at
night illuminated, by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered
the patereroes to be fired, as soon as the marriage-knot was tied.
Neither were the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this
ingenious contriver, who produced undeniable proofs of his elegance
and art in the wedding-supper, which had been committed to his
management and direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed
of sea-dishes; a huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece of beef
sliced, a couple of fowls, and half a peck of rice, smoked in the
middle of the board: a dish of hard fish, swimming in oil, appeared at
each end; the sides being furnished with a mess of that savoury
composition known by the name of lub's-course, and a plate
of salmagundy. The second course displayed a goose of a monstrous
magnitude, flanked with two Guinea-hens, a pig barbacued, a hock
of salt pork, in the midst of a pease-pudding, a leg of mutton
roasted, with potatoes, and another boiled, with yams. The third
service was made up of a loin of fresh pork, with apple-sauce, a
kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin baked in the shell; and
last of all, a prodigious sea-pie was presented, with an infinite
volume of pancakes and fritters. That everything might be answerable
to the magnificence of this delicate feast, he had provided vast
quantifies of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt brandy, with
plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies; and hired all the fiddles
within six miles, which, with the addition of a drum, bagpipe, and
Welsh harp, regaled the guests with a most melodious concert.

The company, who were not at all exceptions, seemed extremely well
pleased with every particular of the entertainment; and the evening
being spent in the most social manner, the bride was by her sister
conducted to her apartment, where, however, a trifling circumstance
had like to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto

I have already observed, that there was not one standing bed within
the walls; therefore the reader will not wonder that Mrs. Trunnion
was out of humour, when she found herself under the necessity of
being confined with her spouse in a hammock, which, though enlarged
with a double portion of canvas, and dilated with a yoke for the
occasion, was at best but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous
situation. She accordingly complained with some warmth of this
inconvenience, which she imputed to disrespect; and, at first,
absolutely refused to put up with the expedient; but Mrs. Pickle
soon brought her to reason and compliance, by observing that one
night will soon be elapsed, and next day she might regulate her
own economy.

Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was visited by
her husband in less than an hour, the company being departed to their
own homes, and the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant
and mate. But it seems the hooks that supported this swinging couch
were not calculated for the addition of weight which they were
now destined to bear; and therefore gave way in the middle of the
night, to the no small terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who perceiving
herself falling, screamed aloud, and by that exclamation brought
Hatchway with a light into the chamber. Though she had received
no injury by the fall, she was extremely discomposed and incensed
at the accident, which she even openly ascribed to the obstinacy
and whimsical oddity of the commodore, in such petulant terms as
evidently declared that she thought her great aim accomplished, and
her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed her
bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit resignation;
for he made no reply to her insinuations, but with a most vinegar
aspect crawled out of his nest, and betook himself to rest in another
apartment; while his irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and
from the wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself
on the floor, fully determined to provide better accommodation for
the next night's lodging.

Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts, during the remaining
part of the night, were engrossed by a scheme of reformation she
was resolved to execute in the family; and no sooner did the first
lark bid salutation to the morn, than, starting from her humble
couch, and huddling on her clothes, she sallied from her chamber,
explored her way through paths before unknown, and in the course
of her researches perceived a large bell, to which she made such
effectual application as alarmed every soul in the family. In a
moment she was surrounded by Hatchway, Pipes, and all the rest of
the servants half-dressed; but seeing none of the feminine gender
appear, she began to storm at the sloth and laziness of the maids,
who, she observed, ought to have been at work an hour at least
before she called; and then, for the first time, understood that
no woman was permitted to sleep within the walls.

She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation; and being informed
that the cook and chambermaid lodged in a small office-house that
stood without the gate, ordered the drawbridge to be let down,
and in person beat up their quarters, commanding them forthwith to
set about scouring the rooms, which had not been hitherto kept in
a very decent condition, while two men were immediately employed
to transport the bed on which she used to lie from her brother's
house to her new habitation; so that, in less than two hours,
the whole economy of the garrison was turned topsy-turvy, and
everything involved in tumult and noise. Trunnion, being disturbed
and distracted with the uproar, turned out in his shirt like
a maniac, and, arming himself with a cudgel of crab-tree, made an
irruption into his wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of
carpenters at work in joining a bedstead, he, with many dreadful
oaths and opprobrious invectives, ordered them to desist, swearing
he would suffer no bulkheads nor hurricane-houses to stand where
he was master: but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these
mechanics, who believed him to be some madman belonging to the
family, who had broken from his confinement, he assaulted them
both with great fury and indignation, and was handled so roughly,
in the encounter, that in a very short time he measured his length
on the floor, in consequence of a blow that he received from a hammer
by which the sight of his remaining eye was grievously endangered.

Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection, they resolved
to secure him with cords, and were actually busy in adjusting his
fetters, when he was exempted from the disgrace by the accidental
entrance of his spouse, who rescued him from the hands of
his adversaries, and, in the midst of her condolence, imputed his
misfortune to the inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition.

He breathed nothing but revenge, and made some efforts to chastise
the insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they understood
his quality, asked forgiveness for what they had done with great
humility, protesting that they did not know he was master of the
house. But, far from being satisfied with this apology, he groped
about for the bell, the inflammation of his eye having utterly
deprived him of sight; and the rope being, by the precaution of
the delinquents, conveyed out of his reach, began to storm with
incredible vociferation, like a lion roaring in the toil, pouring
forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and calling by name Hatchway
and Pipes, who, being within hearing, obeyed the extraordinary
summons, and were ordered to put the carpenters in irons, for having
audaciously assaulted him in his own house.

His myrmidons, seeing he had been evil-treated, were exasperated
at the insult he had suffered, which they considered as an affront
upon the dignity of the garrison; the more so as the mutineers seemed
to put themselves in a posture of defence and set their authority
at defiance; they therefore unsheathed their cutlasses, which
they commonly wore as badges of their commission; and a desperate
engagement in all probability would have ensued, had not the
lady of the castle interposed, and prevented the effects of their
animosity, by assuring the lieutenant that the commodore had been
the aggressor, and that the workmen, finding themselves attacked in
such an extraordinary manner, by a person whom they did not know,
were obliged to act in their own defence, by which he had received
that unlucky contusion.

Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs. Trunnion, than,
sheathing his indignation, he told the commodore he should always
be ready to execute his lawful commands; but that he could not
in conscience be concerned in oppressing poor people who had been
guilty of no offence.

This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviour of his
wife, who in his hearing desired the carpenters to resume their
work, filled the breast of Trunnion with rage and mortification.
He pulled off his woollen night-cap, pummeled his bare pate, beat
the floor alternately with his feet, swore his people had betrayed
him, and cursed himself to the lowest pit of hell for having admitted
such a cockatrice into his family. But all these exclamations did
not avail; they were among the last essays of his resistance to the
will of his wife, whose influence among his adherents had already
swallowed up his own, and peremptorily told him that he must leave
the management of everything within-doors to her, who understood best
what was for his honour and advantage. She then ordered a poultice
to be prepared for his eye, which being applied, he was committed
to the care of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house like
a blind bear growling for prey, while his industrious yoke-fellow
executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected; so that
when he recovered his vision he was an utter stranger in his own


The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse to
Artifice in the Establishment of her Throne--She exhibits Symptoms
of Pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who, nevertheless,
is balked in his expectation.

These innovations were not effected without many loud objections
on his part; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and
his yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute;
insomuch, that his countenance gradually fell: he began to suppress,
and at length entirely devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior
authority were plainly perceivable in his features; and in less
than three months he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his
obstinacy was extinguished, though overcome. In some things he was
as inflexible and mulish as ever; but then he durst not kick so
openly, and was reduced to the necessity of being passive in his
resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for example, proposed that a coach and
six should be purchased, as she could not ride on horseback, and
the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a person of her condition.
The commodore, conscious of his own inferior capacity in point of
reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the proposal but lent a
deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though they were enforced
with every argument which she thought could soothe, terrify, shame
or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urge the excess of
affection she had for him as meriting some return of tenderness
and condescension: he was even proof against certain menacing hints
she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stood
out against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a
bulwark of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind
expressions of contradiction, even when she upbraided him with his
sordid disposition, and put him in mind of the fortune and honour
he had acquired by his marriage, but seemed to retire within himself,
like a tortoise when attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and
silently endured the scourge of her reproaches, without seeming
sensible of the smart.

This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since
her nuptials; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage,
she tortured her invention for some new plan by which she might
augment her influence and authority. What her genius refused was
supplied by accident; for she had not lived four months in the
garrison, when she was seized with frequent qualms and retchings;
in a word, she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own
fertility; and the commodore was transported with joy at the prospect
of an heir of his own begetting.

She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own
sovereignty, and accordingly employed the means which nature had
put in her power. There was not a rare piece of furniture or apparel
for which she did not long; and one day, as she went to church,
seeing Lady Stately's equipage arrive, she suddenly fainted away.
Her husband, whose vanity had never been so perfectly gratified
as with this promised harvest of his own sowing, took the alarm
immediately; and in order to prevent relapses of that kind, which
might be attended with fatal consequence to his hope, gave her leave
to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own liking. Thus
authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a specimen
of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to the
whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him; because
he foresaw no limits to her extravagance which also manifested
itself in the most expensive preparations for her lying-in.

Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative of her
father's  house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect,
and prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her
family. She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve
that implied a conscious superiority; and an emulation in point of
grandeur immediately commenced between the two sisters. She every
day communicated her importance to the whole parish, under pretence
of taking the air in her coach, and endeavoured to extend her
acquaintance among people of fashion. Nor was this an undertaking
attended with great difficulty, for all persons whatever capable of
maintaining a certain appearance, will always find admission into
what is called the best company, and be rated in point of character
according to their own valuation, without subjecting their pretensions
to the smallest doubt or examination. In all her visits and parties
she seized every opportunity of declaring her present condition,
observing that she was forbid by her physicians to taste such a
pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in her way; nay,
where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to make
wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be very
unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had
been grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion.
The husband himself did not behave with all the moderation that
might have been expected. At the club he frequently mentioned this
circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be
performed by an old fellow of fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion
of his strength by redoubled squeezes of the landlord's hand, which
never failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might.
When his companions drank to the Hans en kelder, or Jack in the low
cellar, he could not help displaying an extraordinary complacence
of countenance, and signified his intention of sending the young
dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry a cartridge, in
hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death.

This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expense to
which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when
he considered that his compliance with her prodigality would be
limited to the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part
was by this time elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical
resignation, her fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous
and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity, that his temper
forsook him, and he could not help wishing in secret that her
pride might be confounded in the dissipation of her most flattering
hopes, even though he himself should be a principal sufferer by the
disappointment. These, however, were no other than the suggestions
of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided as suddenly as they
arose, and never gave the least disturbance to the person who
inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefully from
her knowledge.

Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise
of a favourable issue: the term of her computation expired, and in
the middle of the night she was visited by certain warnings that
seemed to bespeak the approach of the critical moment. The commodore
got up with great alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been
several days in the house; the gossips were immediately summoned,
and the most interesting expectations prevailed; but the symptoms
of labour gradually vanished, and as the matrons sagely observed,
this was no more than a false alarm.

Two nights after they received a second intimation, and as she was
sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be
in a fair way; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than
the former; her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours
to encourage them, and the good women betook themselves to their
respective homes, in expectation of finding the third attack
decisive, alluding to the well-known maxim, that "number three is
always fortunate." For once, however, this apophthegm failed; the
next call was altogether as ineffectual as the former; and moreover,
attended with a phenomenon which to them was equally strange and
inexplicable: this was no other than such a reduction in the size
of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been expected after the birth of a
full-grown child. Startled at such an unaccountable event, they sat
in close divan; and concluding that the case was in all respects
unnatural and prodigious, desired that a messenger might be immediately
despatched for some male practitioner in the art of midwifery.

The commodore, without guessing the cause of her perplexity, ordered
Pipes immediately on this piece of duty, and in less than two hours
they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood,
who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child.
This asseveration was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who
had been, during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation
of being hailed with the appellation of father.

After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant
fellow, and that he would not take his word for what he advanced,
being comforted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations
of the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs.  Trunnion with
hopes of a speedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been
concerned in many a case of the same nature, where a fine child
was found, even after all signs of the mother's pregnancy had
disappeared. Every twig of hope, how slender soever it may be, is
eagerly caught hold on by people who find themselves in danger of
being disappointed. To every question proposed by her to the lady,
with the preambles of "Han't you?" or "Don't you?" answer was made
in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not, because the
respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom that
might favour the notion she had so long indulged.

This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore
kept in close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which
the patient had several returns of what she pleased herself with
believing to be labour pains, till at length, she and her husband
became the standing joke of the parish; and this infatuated couple
could scarce be prevailed upon to part with their hope, even when
she appeared as lank as a greyhound, and they were furnished with
other unquestionable proofs of their having been deceived. But
they could not for ever remain under the influence of this sweet
delusion, which at last faded away, and was succeeded by a paroxysm
of shame and confusion, that kept the husband within-doors for the
space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady to her bed for a
series of weeks, during which she suffered all the anguish of the
most intense mortification; yet even this was subdued by the lenient
hand of time.

The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge
of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with
the most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her
own family, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants,
even ruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes,
harassed the commodore himself out of all patience, and spared
no individual but Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to


Mrs. Trunnion erects a Tyranny in the Garrison, while her Husband
conceives an affection for his Nephew Perry, who manifests a
peculiarity of disposition even in his tender years.

Having exercised herself three months in such pious amusements,
she appeared again in the world; but her misfortune had made such
an impression on her mind, that she could not bear the sight of a
child, and trembled whenever conversation happened to turn upon a
christening. Her temper, which was naturally none of the sweetest,
seemed to have imbibed a double proportion of souring from her
disappointment; of consequence, her company was not much coveted,
and she found very few people disposed to treat her with those marks
of consideration which she looked upon as her due. This neglect
detached her from the society of an unmannerly world; she concentrated
the energy of all her talents in the government of her own house,
which groaned accordingly under her arbitrary sway; and in the
brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all the affliction she
had undergone.

As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his disgrace,
after having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant, and
now his chief aim being to be absent from his own house as much
as possible, he frequented the public-house more than ever, more
assiduously cultivated the friendship of his brother-in-law, Mr.
Pickle, and in the course of their intimacy conceived an affection
for his nephew Perry, which did not end but with his life. Indeed
it must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in
the social passions of the soul, which though they were strangely
warped, disguised, and overborne by the circumstance of his
boisterous life and education, did not fail to manifest themselves
occasionally through the whole course of his behaviour.

As all the hopes of propagating his own name had perished, and his
relations lay under the interdiction of his hate, it is no wonder
that through the familiarity and friendly intercourse subsisting
between him and Mr. Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy,
who by this time entered the third year of his age, and was indeed
a very handsome, healthy, and promising child; and what seemed to
ingratiate him still more with his uncle, was a certain oddity of
disposition, for which he had been remarkable even from his cradle.
It is reported of him, that before the first year of his infancy
was elapsed, he used very often, immediately after being dressed,
in the midst of the caresses which were bestowed upon him by his
mother, while she indulged herself in the contemplation of her own
happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of shrieks and
cries, which continued with great violence till he was stripped
to the skin with the utmost expedition by order of his affrighted
parent, who thought his tender body was tortured by the misapplication
of some unlucky pill; and when he had given them all this disturbance
and unnecessary trouble, he would he sprawling and laughing in their
faces, as if he ridiculed the impertinence of their concern. Nay,
it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman who attended in
the nursery had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial waters to
her mouth, he pulled his nurse by the sleeve, by a slight glance
detected the theft, and tipped her the wink with a particular
slyness of countenance, as if he had said, with a sneer, "Ay, ay,
that is what you must all come to." But these instances of reflection
in a babe nine months old are so incredible, that I look upon them
as observations, founded upon imaginary recollection, when he was
in a more advanced age, and his peculiarities of temper became
much more remarkable; of a piece with the ingenious discoveries
of those sagacious observers, who can discern something evidently
characteristic in the features of any noted personage whose character
they have previously heard explained. Yet without pretending
to specify at what period of his childhood this singularity first
appeared, I can with great truth declare, that when he first attracted
the notice and affection of his uncle, it was plainly perceivable.

One would imagine he had marked out the commodore as a proper object
of ridicule, for almost all his little childish satire was leveled
against him. I will not deny that he might have been influenced
in this particular by the example and instruction of Mr. Hatchway,
who delighted in superintending the first essays of his genius. As
the gout had taken up its residence in Mr. Trunnion's great toe,
from whence it never removed, no not for a day, little Perry took
great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm member;
and when his uncle, incensed by the pain, used to damn him for a
hell-begotten brat, he would appease him in a twinkling, by returning
the curse with equal emphasis, and asking what was the matter with
old Hannibal Tough? an appellation by which the lieutenant had
taught him to distinguish this grim commander.

Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of
the commodore, with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms,
even. while he was fondled on his knee. In one month he put him to
the expense of two guineas in seal-skin; by picking his pocket of
divers tobacco-pouches, all of which he in secret committed to the
flames. Nor did the caprice of his disposition abstain from the
favourite beverage of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole
draught in which his brother's snuff-box had been emptied, before
he perceived the disagreeable infusion; and one day, when the
commodore had chastised him by a gentle tap with his cane, he fell
flat on the floor as if he had been deprived of all sense and motion,
to the terror and amazement of the striker; and after having filled
the whole house with confusion and dismay, opened his eyes, and
laughed heartily at the success of his own imposition.

It would be an endless and perhaps no very agreeable task, to enumerate
all the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others, before
he attained the fourth year of his age; about which time he was
sent, with an attendant, to a day-school in the neighbourhood, that
(to use his good mother's own expression) he might be out of harm's
way. Here, however, he made little progress, except in mischief,
which he practised with impunity, because the school-mistress
would run no risk of disobliging a lady of fortune, by exercising
unnecessary severities upon her only child.  Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle
was not so blindly partial as to be pleased with such unseasonable
indulgence. Perry was taken out of the hands of this courteous
teacher, and committed to the instruction of a pedagogue, who was
ordered to administer such correction as the boy should in his
opinion deserve. This authority he did not neglect to use, his pupil
was regularly flogged twice a day; and after having been subjected
to this course of discipline for the space of eighteen months,
declared the most obstinate, dull, and untoward genius that ever
had fallen under his cultivation; instead of being reformed, he
seemed rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations,
and was dead to all sense of fear as well as shame.

His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of stupidity,
which she considered as an inheritance derived from the spirit of
his father, and consequently insurmountable by all the efforts of
human care. But the commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his
nature, and was particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he found
that Perry had beaten all the boys in the school; a circumstance
from which he prognosticated everything that was fair and fortunate
in his future fate: observing, that at his age he himself was just
such another. The boy, who was now turned of six, having profited
so little under the birch of his unsparing governor, Mrs. Pickle
was counselled to send him to a boarding-school not far from London,
which was kept by a certain person very eminent for his successful
method of education. This advice she the more readily embraced,
because at that time she found herself pretty far gone with another
child that she hoped would console her for the disappointment she
had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry, or at any rate
divide her concern, so as to enable her to endure the absence of


Peregrine is sent to a boarding-school--Becomes remarkable for his
Genius and Ambition.

The commodore, understanding her determination, to which her husband
did not venture to make the least objection, interested himself
so much in behalf of his favourite, as to fit him out at his own
charge, and accompany him in person to the place of his destination;
where he defrayed the expense of his entrance, and left him to
the particular care and inspection of the usher, who having been
recommended to him as a person of parts and integrity, received
per advance a handsome consideration for the task he undertook.

Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality; the
assistant was actually a man of learning, probity, and good sense;
and though obliged by the scandalous administration of fortune
to act in the character of an inferior teacher, had, by his sole
capacity and application, brought the school to that degree of
reputation, which it never could have obtained from the talents of
its superior. He had established an economy, which, though regular,
was not at all severe, by enacting a body of laws suited to the age
and comprehension of every individual; and each transgressor was
fairly tried by his peers, and punished according to the verdict
of the jury. No boy was scourged for want of apprehension, but
a spirit of emulation was raised by well-timed praise and artful
comparison, and maintained by a distribution of small prizes, which
were adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by their
industry, sobriety, or genius.

This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry, according
to his constant maxim, by examining the soil; that is, studying
his temper, in order to consult the bias of his disposition, which
was strangely perverted by the absurd discipline he had undergone.
He found him in a state of sullen insensibility, which the child
had gradually contracted in a long course of stupefying correction;
and at first he was not in the least actuated by that commendation
which animated the rest of his school-fellows; nor was it in the
power of reproach to excite his ambition, which had been buried,
as it were, in the grave of disgrace; the usher, therefore, had
recourse to contemptuous neglect, with which he affected to treat
this stubborn spirit; foreseeing that if he retained any seeds of
sentiment, this weather would infallibly raise them into vegetation;
his judgment was justified by the event; the boy in a little time
began to make observations; he perceived the marks of distinction
with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the despicable
figure he himself made among his companions, who, far from courting,
rather shunned his conversation, and actually pined at his own want
of importance.

Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification, which he suffered
to proceed as far as possible, without endangering his health. The
child lost all relish for diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive,
solitary, and was frequently found weeping by himself.  These
symptoms plainly evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his
governor thought it now high time to make application; and therefore
by little and little altered his behaviour from the indifference
he had put on, to the appearance of more regard and attention. This
produced a favourable change in the boy, whose eyes sparkled with
satisfaction one day, when his master expressed himself, with a
show of surprise, in these words: "So, Perry! I find you don't want
genius, when you think proper to use it." Such encomiums kindled
the spirit of emulation in his little breast; he exerted himself
with surprising alacrity, by which he soon acquitted himself of
the imputation of dullness, and obtained sundry honorary silver
pennies, as acknowledgments of his application; his school-fellows now
solicited his friendship as eagerly as they had avoided it before;
and in less than a twelvemonth after his arrival, this supposed
dunce was remarkable for the brightness of his parts; having in
that short period learnt to read English perfectly well, made great
progress in writing, enabled himself to speak the French language
without hesitation, and acquired some knowledge in the rudiments
of the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to transmit an account
of his proficiency to the commodore, who received it with transport,
and forthwith communicated the happy tidings to the parents.

Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to violent emotions,
heard them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction, that scarce
manifested itself either in his countenance or expressions; nor
did the child's mother break forth into that rapture and admiration
which might have been expected, when she understood how much the
talents of her first-born had exceeded the hope of her warmest
imagination. Not but that she professed herself well pleased with
Perry's reputation; though she observed that in these commendations
the truth was always exaggerated by schoolmasters, for their own
interest; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not mingled
more probability with his praise. Trunnion was offended at her
indifference and want of faith and believing that she refined too
much in her discernment, swore that Jennings had declared the truth,
and nothing but the truth; for he himself had prophesied, from the
beginning, that the boy would turn out a credit to his family. But
by this time Mrs. Pickle was blessed with a daughter, whom she had
brought into the world about six months before the intelligence
arrived; so that her care and affection being otherwise engrossed,
the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The abatement
of her fondness was an advantage to his education, which would
have been retarded, and perhaps ruined, by pernicious indulgence,
and preposterous interposition, had her love considered him as
an only child; whereas her concern being now diverted to another
object, that shared, at least, one-half of her affection, he was
left to the management of his preceptor, who tutored him according
to his own plan, without any let or interruption. Indeed all his
sagacity and circumspection were but barely sufficient to keep the
young gentleman in order; for now that he had won the palm of victory
from his rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and
he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole school by
the valour of his arm. Before he could bring his project to bear,
innumerable battles were fought with various success; every day a
bloody nose and complaint were presented against him, and his own
visage commonly bore some livid marks of obstinate contention.
At length, however, he accomplished his aim; his adversaries were
subdued, his prowess acknowledged, and he obtained the laurel in
war as well is in wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated with
success: his pride rose in proportion to his power and, in spite
of all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method he
could invent for curbing his licentious conduct, without depressing
his spirit, he contracted a large proportion of insolence, which
series of misfortunes that happened to him in the sequel could
scarce effectually tame.  Nevertheless there was a fund of good
nature and generosity in his composition; and though he established
a tyranny among his comrades, the tranquility of his reign was
maintained by the love rather than by the fear of his subjects.

In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire he never once violated
that respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire
him; but he by no means preserved the same regard for the principal
master, an old illiterate German quack, who had formerly practised
corn-cutting among the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the
ladies, together with teeth-powders, hair-dyeing liquors, prolific
elixirs, and tinctures to sweeten the breath. These nostrums,
recommended by the art of cringing, in which he was consummate,
ingratiated him so much with people of fashion, that he was enabled
to set up school with five-and-twenty boys of the best families,
whom he boarded on his own terms and undertook to instruct in the
French and Latin languages, so as to qualify them for the colleges
of Westminster and Eton. While this plan was in its infancy,
he was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who, for the paltry
consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his necessities compelled
him to accept, took the whole trouble of educating the children
upon himself, contrived an excellent system for that purpose, and,
by his assiduity and knowledge, executed all the particulars to
the entire satisfaction of those concerned, who, by the bye, never
inquired into his qualifications, but suffered the other to enjoy
the fruits of his labour and ingenuity.

Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance, and vanity,
this superior had certain ridiculous peculiarities in his person,
such as a hunch upon his back, and distorted limbs, that seemed to
attract the satirical notice of Peregrine, who, young as he was,
took offence at his want of reverence for his usher, over whom he
sometimes chose opportunities of displaying his authority, that the
boys might not misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick, therefore,
such as I have described him, incurred the contempt and displeasure
of this enterprising pupil, who now being in the tenth year of
his age, had capacity enough to give him abundance of vexation. He
underwent many mortifying jokes front the invention of Pickle and
his confederates; so that he began to entertain suspicion of Mr.
Jennings, who he could not help thinking had been at the bottom of
them all, and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school,
with a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this
chimera, which was void of all foundation, the German descended
so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from whom he hoped
to draw some very important discovery; but he was disappointed in
his expectations; and this mean practice reaching the ears of his
usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment. Finding interest
to obtain holy orders in a little time after, he left the kingdom,
hoping to find a settlement in some of our American plantations.

The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution in the
affairs of Keypstick, which declined from that moment, because he had
neither authority to enforce obedience, nor prudence to maintain
order among his scholars: so that the school degenerated into
anarchy and confusion, and he himself dwindled in the opinion of
his employers, who looked upon him as superannuated, and withdrew
their children front his tuition.

Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society, and finding
himself every day deprived of some companion, began to repine at his
situation, and resolved, if possible, to procure his release from
the jurisdiction of the person whom he both detested and despised.
With this view he went to work, and composed the following billet,
addressed to the commodore, which was the first specimen of his
composition in the epistolary way:--

    "Honoured and Loving Uncle,--Hoping you are in good health,
    this serves to inform you, that Mr. Jennings is gone, and
    Mr. Keypstick will never meet with his fellow. The school
    is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away;
    and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also,
    for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a perfect
    ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa, and is
    more fit to be a scarecrow than a schoolmaster; hoping you
    will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt, and my duty
    to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours. And
    this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your well-beloved
    and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command
    till death,
                             "Peregrine Pickle."

Trunnion was overjoyed at the receipt of this letter, which he
looked upon as one of the greatest efforts of human genius, and as
such communicated the contents to his lady, whom he had disturbed
for the purpose in the middle of her devotion, by sending a message
to her closet, whither it was her custom very frequently to retire.
She was out of humour at being interrupted, and therefore did not
peruse this specimen of her nephew's understanding with all the
relish that the commodore himself had enjoyed; on the contrary, after
sundry paralytical endeavours to speak (for her tongue sometimes
refused its office), she observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes,
and deserved to be severely chastised for treating his betters
with such disrespect. Her husband undertook his godson's defence,
representing with great warmth that he knew Keypstick to be a
good-for-nothing pimping old rascal, and that Perry showed a great
deal of spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under
his command; he therefore declared that the boy should not live a
week longer with such a shambling son of a b--, and sanctioned this
declaration with abundance of oaths.

Mrs. Trunnion, composing her countenance into a look of religions
demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of talking; and asked,
in a magisterial tone, if he intended never to lay aside that brutal
behaviour. Irritated at this reproach, he answered, in terms of
indignation, that he knew how to behave himself as well as e'er a
woman that wore a head, bade her mind her affairs, and with another
repetition of oaths gave her to understand that he would be master
in his own house.

The insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction upon a glass
globe: her face gleamed with resentment, and every pore seemed to
emit particles of flame. She replied with incredible fluency of
the bitterest expressions: he retorted equal rage in broken hints
and incoherent imprecations: she rejoined with redoubled fury; and
in conclusion he was fain to betake himself to flight, ejaculating
curses against her; and muttering something concerning the
brandy-bottle, which, however, he took care should never reach her

From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle, to whom
he imparted Peregrine's epistle, with many encomiums upon the
boy's promising parts: and, finding his commendations but coolly
received, desired she would permit him to take his godson under
his own care.

This lady, whose family was now increased by another son, who seemed
to engross her care for the present, had not seen Perry during
a course of four years, and, with regard to him, was perfectly
weaned of that infirmity known by the name of maternal fondness:
she therefore consented to the commodore's request with great
condescension, and a polite compliment to him on the concern he
had all along manifested for the welfare of the child.


The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own care--The Boy arrives
at the Garrison--Is strangely received by his own Mother--Enters
into a Confederacy with Hatchway and Pipes, and executes a couple
of waggish Enterprises upon his Aunt.

Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very afternoon
despatched the lieutenant in a post-chaise to Keypstick's house,
from whence in two days he returned with our young hero, who being
now in the eleventh year of his age, had outgrown the expectation
of all his family, and was remarkable for the beauty and elegance
of his person. His godfather was transported at his arrival, as
if he had been actually the issue of his own loins: he shook him
heartily by the hand, turned him round and round, surveyed him
from top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice how handsomely he
was built; and squeezed his hand again, saying,--"D-- ye, you dog,
I suppose you don't value such an old crazy son of a b-- as me a
rope's end. You have forgot how I was wont to dandle you on my knee,
when you was a little urchin no bigger than a davit, and played a
thousand tricks upon me, burning my 'bacco-pouches and poisoning
my rumbo. O! d-- ye, you can grin fast enough I see; I warrant you
have learnt more things than writing and the Latin lingo."

Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful
occasion; and, coming up to Perry, thrust forth his fore paw, and
accosted him with the salutation of "What cheer, my young master?
I am glad to see thee with all my heart." These compliments being
passed, his uncle halted to the door of his wife's chamber, at which
he stood hallooing, "Here's your kinsman, Perry: belike you won't
come and bid him welcome."--"Lord, Mr. Trunnion," said she, "why
will you continually harass me in this manner with your impertinent
intrusion?"-"I harrow you!" replied the commodore: "'sblood!
I believe your upper works are damaged: I only came to inform you
that here was your cousin, whom you have not seen these four long
years; and I'll be d--d if there is such another of his age within
the king's dominions, d'ye see, either for make or mettle: he's a
credit to the name, d'ye see: but, d-- my eyes, I'll say no more
of the matter: if you come, you may; if you won't, you may let
it alone."--"Well, I won't come, then," answered his yoke-fellow,
"for I am at present more agreeably employed."--"Oho! you are. I
believe so too," cried the commodore, making wry faces and mimicking
the action of dram-drinking. Then, addressing himself to Hatchway,
"Prithee, Jack," said he, "go and try thy skill on that stubborn
hulk: if anybody can bring her about, I know you wool."

The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the door, conveyed
his persuasion in these words: "What, won't you turn out and hail
little Perry? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome
young dog; I'm sure he is the very moral of you, and as like as if
he had been spit out of your own mouth, as the saying is: do show
a little respect for your kinsman, can't you?" To this remonstrance
she replied, in a mild tone of voice, "Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are
always teasing one in such a manner: sure I am, nobody can tax
me with unkindness, or want of natural affection." So saying, she
opened the door, and, advancing to the hall where her nephew stood,
received him very graciously and observed that he was the very
image of her papa.

In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of
his parents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to
his mother, than her countenance changed, she eyed him with tokens
of affliction and surprise, and, bursting into tears, exclaimed her
child was dead, and this was no other than an impostor whom they
had brought to defraud her sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this
unaccountable passion, which had no other foundation than caprice
and whim; and Gamaliel himself was so disconcerted and unsettled
in his own belief, which began to waver, that he knew not how
to behave towards the boy, whom his godfather immediately carried
back to the garrison, swearing all the way that Perry should never
cross their threshold again with his good-will. Nay, so much was
he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that he
refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until
he was appeased by his solicitations and submission, and Peregrine
owned as his son and heir. But this acknowledgment was made without
the privity of his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged,
in appearance, to adopt. Thus exiled from his father's house, the
young gentleman was left entirely to the disposal of the commodore,
whose affection for him daily increased, insomuch that he could
scarcely prevail upon himself to part with him, when his education
absolutely required that he should be otherwise disposed of.

In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not
produced, at least riveted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's
imagination, which we have already observed; and which, during his
residence in the castle, appeared in sundry stratagems he practised
upon his uncle and aunt, under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who
assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his schemes.
Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings; for,
being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and
altogether resigned to their will, they found him a serviceable
instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly.

The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion.
They terrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired
to her devotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of
discords: he could imitate the sound produced by the winding of a
jack, the filing of a saw, and the swinging of a malefactor hanging
in chains; he could counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching
of a night-owl, the caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog,
the squeaking of a pig, the crowing of a cock; and he had learned
the war-whoop uttered by the Indians in North America. These talents
were exerted successively, at different times and places, to the
terror of Mrs. Trunnion, the discomposure of the commodore himself,
and the consternation of all the servants in the castle. Peregrine,
with a sheet over his clothes, sometimes tumbled before his aunt
in the twilight, when her organs of vision were a little impaired
by the cordial she had swallowed; and the boatswain's mate taught
him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so that they made a most
dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions.

The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms,
which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person
in the family; she redoubled her religious exercises, and fortified
her spirits with fresh potations; nay, she began to take notice
that Mr. Trunnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed
dissatisfied when people observed that they never saw him look
better. Her frequent visits to the closet, where all her consolation
was deposited, inspired the confederates with a device which had
like to have been attended with tragical consequences.  They found
an opportunity to infuse jalap in one of her case-bottles; and
she took so largely of this medicine, that her constitution had
well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect.  She suffered a
succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the
grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a
physician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder.

After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the patient
had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only draughts and
lubricating injections, to defend the coats of the stomach and
intestines from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral;
at the same time hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that
it was not difficult to divine the whole mystery. He affected to
deplore the poor lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the
same nature; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent commodore,
whom the officious son of Aesculapius suspected as the author of
this expedient, to rid his hands of a yoke-fellow for whom he was
well known to have no great devotion. This impertinent and malicious
insinuation made some impression upon the bystanders, and furnished
ample field for slander to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was
represented through the whole district as a monster of barbarity.
Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great decency
and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidence
of her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her
life, but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with
a view of detaching her from that favourite liquor.

On this supposition, she resolved to act with more caution for
the future, without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair;
while the commodore, imputing her indisposition to some natural
cause, after the danger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the
subject; so that the perpetrators were quit of their fear, which,
however, had punished them so effectually, that they never would
hazard any more jokes of the same nature.

The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander
himself, whom they teased and terrified almost out of his senses.
One day, while he was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there
was a person below that wanted to speak with him immediately, about
an affair of the greatest importance, that would admit of no delay;
upon which he ordered the stranger to be told that he was engaged,
and that he must send up his name and business. To this demand he
received for answer a message importing that the person's name was
unknown to him, and his business of such a nature, that it could
not be disclosed to any one but the commodore himself, whom he
earnestly desired to see without loss of time.

Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance,
in the middle of his meal, and descending to a parlour where the
stranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him
in such a d--d hurry, that he could not wait till he had made an
end of his mess? The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough
address, advanced close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look
of confidence and conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the
commodore's head, whispered softly in his car, "Sir, I am the attorney
whom you wanted to converse with in private."--"The attorney?"
cried Trunnion, staring, and half-choked with choler.  "Yes, sir,
at your service," replied this retainer of the law; "and, if you
please, the sooner we despatch the affair the better; for 'tis an
old observation, that delay breeds danger."--"Truly, brother," said
the commodore, who could no longer contain himself, "I do confess
that I am very much of your way of thinking, d'ye see, and therefore
you shall be despatched in a trice." So saying, he lifted up his
walking-staff, which was something between a crutch and a cudgel,
and discharged it with such energy on the seat of the attorney's
understanding, that if there had been anything but solid bone, the
contents of his skull must have been evacuated.

Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could
not withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him
flat on the floor, deprived of all sense and motion; and Trunnion
hopped upstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejaculations all
the way for the vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging

The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which he had
been so unexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes around in quest
of evidence, by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove
the injury he had sustained, but not a soul appearing, he made shift
to get upon his legs again, and, with the blood trickling over his
nose, followed one of the servants into the dining-room, resolved
to come to an explanation with the assailant, and either extort
money from him by way of satisfaction, or provoke him to a second
application before witnesses. With this view, he entered the room
in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of all present, and the
terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked at the appearance of such a
spectacle; and addressing himself to the commodore, "I'll tell you
what, sir," said he; "if there be law in England, I'll make you
smart for this here assault." You think you have screened yourself
from a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way;
but that circumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of
the malice prepense with which the fact was committed; especially
when corroborated by the evidence of this here letter, under your
own hand, whereby I am desired to come to your own house to transact
an affair of consequence. So he produced the writing, and read the
contents in these words:--

                 "Mr. Roger Ravine.
    Sir,--Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire
    you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the
    afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an affair
    of great consequence, in which your particular advice is
    wanted by your humble servant,
                                   "Hawser Trunnion."

The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement
he had already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this
audacious piece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of
his own villainy, started up from table, and seizing a huge turkey
that lay in a dish before him, would have applied it, sauce and
all, by way of poultice, to his wound, had he not been restrained
by Hatchway, who laid fast hold on both his arms, and fixed him to
his chair again, advising the attorney to sheer off with what he
had got. Far from following this salutary counsel, he redoubled
his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling him he not a man of
true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war, or else he
would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly and clandestine
manner. This provocation would have answered his purpose effectually,
had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by the suggestions
of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to be easy,
for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a blanket
for his presumption. This proposal, which he received with great
approbation, pacified him in a moment: he wiped the sweat from his
forehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile.

Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great fluency
of abuse, until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who,
without any expostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted
him to the yard, where he was put into a carpet, and in a twinkling
sent into the air by the strength and dexterity of five stout
operators, whom the lieutenant had selected from the number of
domestics for that singular spell of duty.

In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God, that
they would take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary
gambols: they were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even
when he swore, in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease
tormenting him, he would forget and forgive what was past, and
depart in peace to his own habitation; and continued the game till
they were fatigued with the exercise.

Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an
action of assault and battery against the commodore, and subpoenaed
all the servants as evidences in the cause; but as none of them had
seen what happened, he did not find his account in the prosecution,
though he himself examined all the witnesses, and, among their
questions, asked, whether they had not seen him come in like another
man? and whether they had ever seen any other man in such condition
as that in which he had crawled off. But this last interrogation
they were not obliged to answer, because it had reference to the
second discipline he bad undergone, in which they, and they only,
were concerned; and no person is bound to give testimony against

In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction of all
who knew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that
he had received, in course of post, the letter which was declared
in court a scandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment
with which he vas threatened by the commodore, who little dreamt
that the whole affair had been planned and executed by Peregrine
and his associates.

The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme
to frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and
exhibited in this manner: to the hide of a large ox, Pipes fitted
a leathern vizor of a most terrible appearance, stretched on the
jaws of a shark, which he had brought from sea, and accommodated
with a couple of broad glasses instead of eyes. On the inside of
these he placed two rushlights, and, with a composition of sulphur
and saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee, which he fixed between
two rows of the teeth. This equipage being finished, he, one dark
night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and, following the commodore
into a long passage, in which he was preceded by Perry with a light
in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, and began to bellow
like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looked behind him,
screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguished in
the fall; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation,
exclaimed, "Zounds! what's the matter?" and turning about to see
the cause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue
flame, which aggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly
seized with an agony of fear, which divested him of his reason:
nevertheless, he, as it were mechanically, raised his trusty
supporter in his own defence, and, the apparition advancing towards
him, aimed it at this dreadful annoyance with such a convulsive
exertion of strength, that had not the blow chanced to light upon
one of the horns Mr. Pipes would have had no cause to value himself
upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he did not fail to stagger
at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation, closed with
the commodore, and having tripped up his heels, retreated with
great expedition.

It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a
little, ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and
called up the servants to the assistance of their master, whom
they found in a cold sweat upon the floor, his features betokening
horror and confusion. Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted
him with a cup of Nantz, began to inquire into the cause of his
disorder: but he could not extract one word of answer from his
friend, who, after a considerable pause, during which he seemed
to be wrapt in profound contemplation, pronounced aloud, "By the
Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; but I'll be d-- if it was
not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucer eyes, his three
rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the blue smoke that came out
of his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's baby want with
me? I'm sure I never committed murder, except in the way of my
profession, nor wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to
sea." This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors,
is the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep,
and is often seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on
the eve of hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters, to which
a seafaring life is exposed; warning the devoted wretch of death
and woe. No wonder then that Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed
visit of this demon, which, in his opinion, foreboded some dreadful


He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the
Exciseman, who does not find his Account in his own Drollery.

Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which
prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict
and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates
entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied
with the pranks they had already played, they still persecuted the
commodore without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the
particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed
an adventure of deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking
impetuosity of his youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far
from succeeding in that achievement, he and his associates had,
it seems, been made prisoners, after an obstinate engagement with
the keepers, and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace,
who used Trunnion with great indignity, and with his companions
committed him to jail.

His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly
depended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour and
inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in
his behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go
to sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of
being proceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either
to undergo this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned
and deserted by everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious
trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for life. He
therefore, without much hesitation, embraced the proposal of his
kinsman, and, as he observed, was, in less than a month after his
discharge, turned adrift to the mercy of the wind and waves.

Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence
with his relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off;
nor would he ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and
supplications of some among them, who had prostrated themselves
before him, on the advancement of his fortune: but he retained
a most inveterate resentment against his uncle, who was still in
being, though extremely old and infirm, and frequently mentioned
his name with all the bitterness of revenge.

Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this
story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway
that a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore,
with a supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested
kinsman; an imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford
abundance of diversion.

The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed
an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow
of great impudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide,
undertook to transcribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also
personate the man in whose favour it was feigned to be written.
He, accordingly, one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison,
two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes,
who admitted him, to understand, that he had a letter from his
master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore
himself.  This message was no sooner communicated, than the
indignant chief (who had been waked for the purpose) began to curse
the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore he would not budge
till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed
to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him, he
had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore
would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had
been raised from the grave to receive them.

This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful
enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations
of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He
therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance;
and wrapping himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs,
rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As
soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger
made divers awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect accosted him
in these words: "Your most humble servant, most noble commodore!
I hope you are in good health; you look pure and hearty; and if it
was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would not desire to
see a more pleasant countenance in a summer's day.  Sure as I am a
living soul, one would take you to be on this side of threescore.
Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion, if I had
met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is."

The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such
an impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying,
with a peevish accent, "Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion
to bowse out so much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your
discourse to bear on the right subject, you had much better clap
a stopper on your tongue, and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was
told you had something to deliver."--"Deliver!" cried the waggish
impostor, "odds heart! I have got something for you that will make
your very entrails rejoice within your body. Here's a letter from
a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take, read it, and be happy.
Blessings on his old heart! one would think he had renewed his
age, like the eagle's." Trunnion's expectation being thus raised,
he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took
the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner
perceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered,
and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise;
eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never
before troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to
recollect himself, and perused the contents, which were these;--

    "Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to
    hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a
    kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and
    how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always
    a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company,
    whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been
    for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is
    not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy
    Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the
    cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as
    to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for
    some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will
    recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give
    him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not,
    nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more
    but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew,
    your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
                                          "Tobiah Trunnion."

It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself
to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance
while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a
convulsion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association
of all three, that took possession of his features. At length, he
hawked up, with incredible straining, the interjection, "Ah!" that
seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent
to his indignation: "Have I come alongside of you at last, you old
stinking curmudgeon? You lie, you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all
in your power to founder me when I was a stripling; and as for being
graceless and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a d--d lie
again, you thief! there was not a more peaceable lad in the county,
and I kept no bad company but your own, d'ye see. Therefore, you
Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent you
hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse; that I tear
his letter into rags, so; and that I trample upon it as I would
upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see." So saying, he danced
in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he had
scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the
triumvirate, who beheld the scene.

The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left
open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion
and surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification,
"Lord be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own
relations, and the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all
gratitude and virtue has left this sinful world! What will cousin
Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters
cousin Sue, and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks,
say, when they hear of this unconscionable reception that I have
met with? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the sin
of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely observes; and do not send me
away with such unchristian usage, which will lay a heavy load of
guilt upon your poor miserable soul."--"What, you are on a cruise
for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?" said Trunnion, interrupting
him, "we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes,
take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to the whipping-post
in the yard.  I'll teach you to rouse me in the morning with such
impertinent messages."

Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt
of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his
commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant
gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand;
so that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance,
which was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake,
in a very disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful
look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest
of a cat-o'-nine-tails, in expectation of being relieved by the
interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear.
Tom, returning with the instrument of correction, undressed the
delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his ear, that he was very
sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his
soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge
about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a smarting
application to the offender's back and shoulders, that the distracted
gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed
hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators.
At length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of
his neck, Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto,
appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon
Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor
to be released.

The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened
to be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid confession of
the whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that
in so doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud,
forgery, and imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss;
and sneaked out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses
discharged upon him by the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated
by the disturbance and disappointment he had undergone.


The Commodore detects the Machinations of the Conspirators, and
hires a tutor for Peregrine, whom he settles in Winchester School.

This was not the least affliction he had suffered from the unwearied
endeavours and unexhausted invention of his tormentors, who harassed
him with such a variety of mischievous pranks, that he began to
think all the devils in hell had conspired against his peace; and
accordingly became very serious and contemplative on the subject.

In the course of his meditations, when he recollected and compared
the circumstances of every mortification to which he had been lately
exposed, he could not help suspecting that some of them must have
been contrived to vex him; and, as he was not ignorant of his
lieutenant's disposition, nor unacquainted with the talents of
Peregrine, he resolved to observe them both for the future with
the utmost care and circumspection. This resolution, aided by the
incautious conduct of the conspirators, whom, by this time, success
had rendered heedless and indiscreet, was attended with the desired
effect. He in a little time, detected Perry in a new plot; and by
dint of a little chastisement, and a great many threats, extorted
from him a confession of all the contrivances in which he had been
concerned. The commodore was thunderstruck at the discovery, and
so much incensed against Hatchway for the part he had acted in the
whole, that he deliberated with himself, whether he should demand
satisfaction with sword and pistol, or dismiss him from the garrison,
and renounce all friendship with him at once. But he bad been so
long accustomed to Jack's company, that he could not live without
him; and upon more cool reflection, perceiving that what he had done
was rather the effect of wantonness than malice, which he himself
would have laughed to see take place upon any other person, he
determined to devour his chagrin, and extended his forgiveness even
to Pipes, whom, in the first sally of his passion, he had looked
upon in a more criminal light than that of a simple mutineer.  This
determination was seconded by another, which he thought absolutely
necessary for his own repose, and in which his own interest, and
that of his nephew, concurred.

Peregrine, who was now turned of twelve, had made such advances under
the instruction of Jennings, that he often disputed upon grammar,
and was sometimes thought to have the better in his contests, with
the parish-priest, who, notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority
of his antagonist, did great justice to his genius which he assured
Mr. Trunnion would be lost for want of cultivation, if the boy
was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at some proper
seminary of learning.

This maxim had been more than once inculcated upon the commodore
by Mrs. Trunnion, who, over and above the deference she paid to
the parson's opinion, had a reason of her own for wishing to see
the house clear of Peregrine, at whose prying disposition she began
to be very uneasy. Induced by these motives, which were joined
by the solicitation of the youth himself, who ardently longed to
see a little more of the world, his uncle determined to send him
forthwith to Winchester, under the immediate care and inspection
of a governor, to whom he allowed a very handsome appointment for
that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was Mr. Jacob Jolter, had
been school-fellow with the parson of the parish, who recommended
him to Mrs. Trunnion as a person of great worth and learning,
in every respect qualified for the office of a tutor. He likewise
added, by way of eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary piety.
and particularly zealous for the honour of the church, of which
he was a member, having been many years in holy orders, though he
did not then exercise any function of the priesthood. Indeed, Mr.
Jolter's zeal was so exceedingly fervent, as, on some occasions,
to get the better of his discretion; for, being a high churchman
and of consequence a malcontent, his resentment was habituated
into an insurmountable prejudice against the present disposition
of affairs, which, by confounding the nation with the ministry,
sometimes led him into erroneous, not to say absurd calculations;
otherwise, a man of good morals, well versed in mathematics and
school divinity, studies which had not at all contributed to sweeten
and unbend the natural sourness and severity of his complexion.

This gentleman being destined to the charge of superintending
Perry's education, everything was prepared for their departure;
and Tom Pipes, in consequence of his own petition, put into livery,
and appointed footman to the young squire. But, before they set
out, the commodore paid the compliment of communicating his design
to Mr.  Pickle, who approved of the plan, though he durst not venture
to see the boy; so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of
his wife, whose aversion to her first-born became every day more
inveterate and unaccountable. This unnatural caprice seemed to be
supported by a consideration which, one would imagine, might have
rather vanquished her disgust. Her second son Gam, who was now in
the fourth year of his age, had been rickety from the cradle, and
as remarkably unpromising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in
his person. As the deformity increased, the mother's fondness was
augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the other son
seemed to prevail in the same proportion.

Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child,
she would not suffer him to approach his father's house, expressed
uneasiness whenever his name happened to be mentioned, sickened
at his praise, and in all respects behaved like a most rancorous
step-mother. Though she no longer retained that ridiculous notion
of his being an impostor, she still continued to abhor him, as if
she really believed him to be such; and when any person desired
to know the cause of her surprising dislike, she always lost her
temper, and peevishly replied, that she had reasons of her own,
which she was not obliged to declare: nay, so much was she infected
by this vicious partiality, that she broke off all commerce with
her sister-in-law and the commodore, because they favoured the poor
child with their countenance and protection.

Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and generosity
of Trunnion, who, having adopted him as his own son, equipped him
accordingly, and carried him and his governor in his own coach to
the place of destination, where they were settled on a very genteel
footing, and everything regulated according to their desires.

Mrs. Trunnion with great decency at the departure of her nephew,
to whom, with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave
with submission and reverence towards his tutor, she presented
a diamond ring of small value, and a gold medal, as tokens of her
affection and esteem.  As for the lieutenant, he accompanied them
in the coach; and such was the friendship he had contracted for
Perry, that when the commodore proposed to return, after having
accomplished the intent of his journey, Jack absolutely refused to
attend him, and signified his resolution to stay where he was.

Trunnion was the more startled a this declaration, as Hatchway was
become so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life,
that he foresaw he should not be able to exist without his company.
Not a little affected with this consideration, he turned his eye
ruefully upon the lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone, "What!
leave me at last, Jack, after we have weathered so many hard gales
together? D-- my limbs! I thought you had been more of an honest
heart: I looked upon you as my foremast, and Tom Pipes as my mizen:
now he is carried away, if so be as you go too, my standing rigging
being decayed, d'ye see, the first squall will bring me by the
board. D-- ye, if in case I have given offence, can't you speak
above-board? and I shall make you amends."

Jack, being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts,
after some hesitation, answered with perplexity and incoherence,
"No, d-- me! that an't the case neither: to be sure you always used
me in an officer-like manner, that I must own, to give the devil
his due, as the saying is; but for all that, this here is the case,
I have some thoughts of going to school myself to learn your Latin
lingo: for, as the saying is, Better late mend than never: and I am
informed as how one can get more for the money here than anywhere

In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of
going to school at his years, by representing that the boys would
make game of him, and that he would become a laughing-stock to all
the world: he persisted in his resolution to stay, and the commodore
was fain to have recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who
employed their influence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him
to return to the garrison, after Trunnion had promised he should
be at liberty to visit them once a month. This stipulation being
settled, he and his friend took leave of the pupil, governor, and
attendant, and next morning, set out for their habitation, which
they reached in safety that same night.

Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Peregrine, that he is said,
for the first time in his life, to have looked misty at parting:
certain I am, that on the road homewards, after a long pause
of silence, which the commodore never dreamt of interrupting, he
exclaimed all of a sudden, "I'll be d--d if the dog ha'nt given
me some stuff to make me love him!" Indeed, there was something
congenial in the disposition of these two friends, which never
failed to manifest itself in the sequel, howsoever different their
education, circumstances, and connections happened to be.


Peregrine distinguishes himself among his School-fellows, exposes
his Tutor, and attracts the particular Notice of the Master.

Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Peregrine was in a
little time a distinguished character, not only for his acuteness
of apprehension, but also for that mischievous fertility of fancy,
of which we have already given such pregnant examples. But as there
was a great number of such luminaries in this new sphere to which
he belonged, his talents were not so conspicuous while they shone
in his single capacity, as they afterwards appeared, when they
concentrated and reflected the rays of the whole constellation.

At first he confined himself to piddling game, exercising his genius
upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention, by endeavouring
to season his mind with certain political maxims, the fallacy of
which he had discernment enough to perceive. Scarce a day passed
in which he did not find means to render Mr. Jolter the object of
ridicule: his violent prejudices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity,
and ignorance of mankind, afforded continual food for the raillery,
petulance, and satire of his pupil, who never neglected an opportunity
of laughing, and making others laugh, at his expense.

Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine, he decoyed
this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his caution forsook him,
and he exposed himself to the censure of the company. Sometimes,
when the conversation turned upon intricate subjects, he practised
upon him the Socratic method of confutation, and, under pretence of
being informed, by an artful train of puzzling questions insensibly
betrayed him into self-contradiction.

All the remains of authority which he had hitherto preserved over
Peregrine soon vanished; so that, for the future, no sort of ceremony
subsisted between them, and all Mr. Jolter's precepts were conveyed
in hints of friendly advice, which the other might either follow or
neglect at his own pleasure. No wonder then that Peregrine gave a
loose to his inclinations, and, by dint of genius and an enterprising
temper, made a figure among the younger class of heroes in the

Before he had been a full year at Winchester, he had signallized
himself in so many achievements, in defiance to the laws and
regulations of the place, that he was looked upon with admiration,
and actually chosen dux, or leader, by a large body of his
contemporaries. It was not long before his fame reached the ears
of the master, who sent for Mr. Jolter, communicated to him the
informations he had received, and desired him to check the vivacity
of his charge, and redouble his vigilance in time to come, else
he should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil for the
benefit of the school.

The governor, conscious of his own unimportance, was not a little
disconcerted at this injunction, which it was not in his power to
fulfil by any compulsive means. He therefore went home in a very
pensive mood, and after mature deliberation, resolved to expostulate
with Peregrine in the most familiar terms, and endeavour to dissuade
him from practices which might affect his character as well as
interest. He accordingly frankly told him the subject of the master's
discourse; represented the disgrace he might incur by neglecting
this warning; and, putting him in mind of his own situation, hinted
the consequences of the commodore's displeasure, in case he should
be brought to disapprove of his conduct. These insinuations made
the greater impression as they were delivered with many expressions
of friendship and concern. The young gentleman was not so raw,
but that he could perceive the solidity of Mr, Jolter's advice, to
which he promised to conform, because his pride was interested in
the affair, and he considered his own reformation as the only means
of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he could not bear.

His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by these moments
of reflection; and, in order to prevent a relapse, proposed that he
should engage in some delightful study that would agreeably amuse
his imagination, and gradually detach him from those connections
which had involved him in so many troublesome adventures. For
this purpose, he, with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the
mathematics, as yielding more rational and sensible pleasures to a
youthful fancy than any other subject of contemplation; and actually
began to read Euclid with him that same afternoon.

Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth
of application which boys commonly yield on the first change of
study; but he had scarce advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum, when his
ardour abated; the test of truth by demonstration did not elevate
him to those transports of joy with which his preceptor had
regaled his expectation; and before he arrived at the forty-seventh
proposition, he began to yawn drearily, make abundance of wry faces,
and thought himself but indifferently paid for his attention, when
he shared the vast discovery of Pythagoras, and understood that
the square of the hypotenuse was equal to the squares of the other
two sides of a right-angled triangle. He was ashamed, however, to
fail in his undertaking, and persevered with great industry, until
he had finished the first four books, acquired plane trigonometry,
with the method of algebraical calculation, and made himself well
acquainted with the principles of surveying. But no consideration
could prevail upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science;
and he returned with double relish to his former avocations, like
a stream, which, being dammed, accumulates more force, and, bursting
over its mounds, rushes down with double impetuosity.

Mr. Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin, but could not resist
the torrent. His behaviour was now no other than a series of license
and effrontery; prank succeeded prank, and outrage followed outrage
with surprising velocity. Complaints were every day preferred against
him; in vain were admonitions bestowed by the governor in private,
and menaces discharged by the masters in public; he disregarded
the first, despised the latter, divested himself of all manner of
restraint, and proceeded in his career to such a pitch of audacity,
that a consultation was held upon the subject, in which it was
determined that this untoward spirit should be humbled by a severe
and ignominious flogging for the very next offence he should commit.
In the mean time, Mr. Jolter was desired to write in the masters
name to the commodore, requesting him to remove Tom Pipes from the
person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a principal actor and
abettor in all his malversations; and to put a stop to the monthly
visitations of the mutilated lieutenant, who had never once failed
to use his permission, but came punctual to a day, always fraught
with some new invention. Indeed, by this time Mr. Hatchway was as
well known, and much better beloved, by every boy in the school than
the master who instructed him, and always received by a number of
scholars, who used to attend Peregrine when he went forth to meet
his friend, and conduct him to his lodging with public testimonies
of joy and applause.

As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the attendant of Peregrine,
as master of the revels of the whole school. He mingled in all
their parties, and superintended the diversions, deciding between
boy and boy, as if he acted by commission under the great seal.
He regulated their motions by his whistle, instructed the young
boys in the games of hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing;
imparted to those of a more advanced age the sciences of cribbage
and all-fours, together with the method of storming the castle,
acting the comedy of Prince Arthur, and other pantomimes, as they
commonly exhibited at sea; and instructed the seniors, who were
distinguished by the appellation of bloods, in cudgel-playing,
dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking flip, and smoking tobacco.
These qualifications had rendered him so necessary and acceptable
to the scholars, that exclusive of Perry's concern in the affair,
his dismission, in all probability, would have produced some
dangerous convulsion in the community. Jolter, therefore, knowing
his importance, informed his pupil of the directions he had
received, and very candidly asked how he should demean himself in
the execution; for he durst not write to the commodore without this
previous notice, fearing that the young gentleman, as soon as he
should get an inkling of the affair, would follow the example, and
make his uncle acquainted with certain anecdotes, which it was the
governor's interest to keep concealed.  Peregrine was of opinion
that he should spare himself the trouble of conveying any complaints
to the commodore; and if questioned by the master, assure him he had
complied with his desire: at the same time he promised faithfully
to conduct himself with such circumspection for the future, that
the masters should have no temptation to revive the inquiry. But
the resolution attending this extorted promise was too frail to
last, and in less than a fortnight our young hero found himself
entangled in an adventure from which he was not extricated with
his usual good fortune.


He is concerned in a dangerous Adventure with a certain Gardener--Sublimes
his Ideas, commences Gallant, and becomes acquainted with Miss
Emily Gauntlet.

He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in the
suburbs, and, having indulged their appetites, desired to know
what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they had pulled. The
gardener demanded what, in their opinion, was an exorbitant price,
and they with many opprobrious terms refused to pay it. The peasant,
being surly and untractable, insisted upon his right; neither was he
deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse. His guests
attempted to retreat; a scuffle ensued, in which Peregrine lost
his cap; and the gardener, being in danger from the number of his
foes, called to his wife to let loose the dog, which instantly flew
to his master's assistance, and, after having torn the leg of one
and the shoulder of another, put the whole body of scholars to
flight.  Enraged at the indignity which had been offered them, they
solicited a reinforcement of their friends, and, with Tom Pipes at
their head, marched back to the field of battle. Their adversary,
seeing them approach, called his apprentice, who worked at the other
end of the ground, to his assistance, armed him with a mattock,
while he himself wielded a hoe, bolted his door on the inside, and,
flanked with his man and mastiff, waited the attack without flinching.

He had not remained three minutes in this posture of defence, when
Pipes, who acted as the enemy's forlorn hope, advanced to the gate
with great intrepidity, and, clapping his foot to the door, which
was none of the stoutest, with the execution and despatch of a
petard, split it into a thousand pieces. This sudden execution had
an immediate effect upon the apprentice, who retreated with great
precipitation, and escaped at a postern; but the master placed
himself, like another Hercules, in the breach; and when Pipes,
brandishing his cudgel, stepped forward to engage him, leveled his
weapon. with such force and dexterity at his head, that had the
skull been made of penetrable stuff, the iron edge must have cleft
his pate in twain. Casemated as he was, the instrument cut sheer
even to the bone, on which it struck with such amazing violence,
that sparks of real fire were produced by the collision. And
let not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of this
phenomenon, until he shall have first perused the ingenious Peter
Kolben's Natural History of the Cape of Good Hope, where the
inhabitants commonly used to strike fire with the shin-bones of
lions which had been killed in that part of Africa.

Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being disabled by
the blow, in a trice retorted the compliment with his truncheon,
which, had not his antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside,
would have laid him breathless across his own threshold; but, happily
for him, he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which
crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly from his
tingling hand. Tom, perceiving, and being unwilling to forego, the
advantage he had gained, darted his head into the bosom of this
son of earth, and overturned him on the plain, being himself that
instant assaulted by the mastiff, who fastened upon the outside
of his thigh. Feeling himself incommoded by this assailant in his
rear, he quitted the prostrate gardener to the resentment of his
associates, who poured upon him in shoals, and turning about, laid
hold with both his hands of this ferocious animal's throat, which
he squeezed with such incredible force and perseverance, that the
creature quitted his hold; his tongue lolled out of his jaws, the
blood started from his eyes, and he swung a lifeless trunk between
the hands of his vanquisher.

It was well for his master that he did not longer exist: for by
this time he was overwhelmed by such a multitude of foes, that his
whole body scarce afforded points of contact to all the fists that
drummed upon him; consequently, to use a vulgar phrase, his wind
was almost knocked out, before Pipes had leisure to interpose in
his he behalf, and persuade his offenders to desist, by representing
that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and in
all probability they would be intercepted in their return. They
accordingly listened to his remonstrances, and marched homewards in
triumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces of his mother earth,
from which he had not power to move when he was found by his
disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for
his assistance. Among these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took
cognizance of his carcase, every limb of which having examined,
he declared there was no bone broken, and taking out his fleam,
blooded him plentifully as he lay.  He was then conveyed to his
bed, from which he was not able to stir during a whole month. His
family coming upon the parish, a formal complaint was made to the
master of the school, and Peregrine represented as the ringleader
of those who committed this barbarous assault. An inquiry was
immediately set on foot; and the articles of impeachment being
fully proved, our hero was sentenced to be severely chastised in
the face of the whole school. This was a disgrace, the thoughts
of which his proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make
his elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was
doomed; and having signified his sentiments to his confederates,
they promised one and all to stand by him, and either screen him
from chastisement or share his fate.

Confiding in this friendly protestation, he appeared unconcerned
on the day that was appointed for his punishment; and when he was
called to his destiny, advanced the scene, attended by the greatest
part of the scholars, who intimated their determination to the
master, and proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior
behaved with that dignity of demeanour which became his place,
represented the folly and presumption of their demand, reprehended
them for their audacious proceeding, and ordered every boy to his
respective station. They obeyed his command, and our unfortunate
hero was publicly horsed, in terrorem of all whom it might concern.

This disgrace had a very sensible effect upon the mind of Peregrine,
who, having by this time, passed the fourteenth year of his age,
began to adopt the pride and sentiments of a man. Thus dishonourably
stigmatized, he was ashamed to appear in public as usual; he was
incensed against his companions for their infidelity and irresolution,
and plunged into a profound reverie that lasted several weeks,
during which he shook off his boyish connections, and fixed his
view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his attention.

In the course of his gymnastic exercises, at which he was very
expert, he contracted intimacies with several youths who were greatly
his superiors in point of age, and who, pleased with his aspiring
genius and address, introduced him into parties of gallantry which
strongly captivated his inclination. He was by nature particularly
adopted for succeeding in all adventures of this kind: over and above
a most engaging person that improved with his years, he possessed
a dignified assurance, an agreeable ferocity which enhanced
the conquest of the fair who had the good fortune to enslave him,
unlimited generosity, and a fund of humour which never failed
to please. Nor was he deficient in the more solid accomplishments
of youth: he had profited in his studies beyond expectation; and
besides that sensibility of discernment which is the foundation
of taste, and in consequence of which he distinguished and enjoyed
the beauties of the classics, he had already given several specimens
of a very promising poetic talent.

With this complexion and these qualifications, no wonder that
our hero attracted the notice and affections of the young Delias
in town, whose hearts had just begun to flutter for they knew not
what.  Inquiries were made concerning his condition; and no sooner
were his expectations known, than he was invited and caressed by all
the parents, while the daughters vied with each other in treating
him with particular complacency. He inspired love and emulation
wherever he appeared: envy and jealous rage followed of course; so
that he became a very desirable, though a very dangerous acquaintance.
His moderation was not equal to his success: his vanity took the lead
of his passions, dissipating his attention, which might otherwise
have fixed him to one object; and he was possessed with the rage of
increasing the number of his conquests. With this view he frequented
public walks, concerts, and assemblies, became remarkably rich and
fashionable in his clothes, gave entertainments to the ladies, and
was in the utmost hazard of turning out a most egregious coxcomb.

While his character thus wavered between the ridicule of some and
the regard of others, an accident happened which by contracting
his view to one object, detached him from those vain pursuits that
would in time have plunged him into an abyss of folly and contempt.
Being one evening at the ball which is always given to the ladies
at the time of the races, the person acted as master of the
ceremonies, knowing how fond Mr. Pickle was of every opportunity
to display himself, came up, and told him, that there was a fine
young creature at the other end of the room, who seemed to have
a great inclination to dance a minuet, but wanted a partner, the
gentleman who attended her being in boots.

Peregrine's vanity being aroused at this intimation, he went up to
reconnoitre the young lady, and was struck with admiration at her
beauty. She seemed to be of his own age, was tall, though slender,
exquisitely shaped; her hair was auburn, and in such plenty, that
the barbarity of dress had not been able to prevent it from shading
both sides of her forehead, which was high and polished; the contour
of her face was oval; her nose very little raised into the aquiline
form, that contributed to the spirit and dignity of her aspect;
her mouth was small; her lips plump, juicy, and delicious, her
teeth regular and white as driven snow, her complexion incredibly
delicate, and glowing with health; and her full blue eyes beamed
forth vivacity and love: her mien was at the same time commanding
and engaging, her address perfectly genteel, and her whole appearance
so captivating, that our young Adonis looked, and was overcome.

He no sooner recollected himself from his astonishment, than he
advanced to her with a graceful air of respect, and begged she would
do him the honour to walk a minuet with him. She seemed particularly
pleased with his application, and very frankly complied with his
request. This pair was too remarkable to escape the particular notice
of the company; Mr. Pickle was well known by almost everybody in the
room, but his partner was altogether a new face and of consequence
underwent the criticism of all the ladies in the assembly. One
whispered, "She has a good complexion, but don't you think she is a
little awry?" a second pitied her for her masculine nose; a third
observed, that she was awkward for want of seeing company; a
fourth distinguished something very bold in her countenance; and,
in short, there was not a beauty in her whole composition which
the glass of envy did not pervert into a blemish.

The men, however, looked upon her with different eyes; among
them her appearance produced a universal murmur of applause: they
encircled the space on which she danced, and were enchanted by her
graceful motion. While they launched out in the praise of her, they
expressed their displeasure at the good fortune of her partner,
whom they d--d for a little finical coxcomb, that was too much
engrossed by the contemplation of his own person, to discern or
deserve the favour of his fate. He did not hear, therefore could
not repine at these invectives; but while they imagined he indulged
his vanity, a much more generous passion had taken possession of
his heart.

Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been distinguished
in his public appearance, he now gave manifest signs of confusion
and concern: he danced with an anxiety which impeded his performance,
and blushed to the eyes at every false step he made. Though this
extraordinary agitation was overlooked by the men, it could not
escape the observation of the ladies, who perceived it with equal
surprise and resentment; and when Peregrine led this fair unknown
to her seat, expressed their pique in an affected titter, which
broke from every mouth at the same instant--as if all of them had
been informed by the same spirit.

Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of disapprobation,
and, in order to increase their chagrin, endeavoured to enter
into particular conversation with their fair rival. The young lady
herself, who neither wanted penetration nor the consciousness of her
own accomplishments, resented their behaviour, though she triumphed
at the cause of it, and gave her partner all the encouragement
he could desire. Her mother, who was present, thanked him for his
civility in taking such notice of a stranger, and he received a
compliment of the same nature from the young gentleman in boots,
who was her own brother.

If he was charmed with her appearance, he was quite ravished with
her discourse, which was sensible, spirited, and gay. Her frank
and sprightly demeanour excited his own confidence and good-humour;
and he described to her the characters of those females who had
honoured them with such a spiteful mark of distinction, in terms
so replete with humorous satire, that she seemed to listen with
particular complacency of attention, and distinguished every nymph
thus ridiculed with such a significant glance as overwhelmed her
with chagrin and mortification. In short, they seemed to relish
each other's conversation, during which our young Damon acquitted
himself with great skill in all the duties of gallantry: he laid
hold of proper opportunities to express his admiration of her
charms, had recourse to the silent rhetoric of tender looks, breathed
divers insidious sighs, and attached himself wholly to her during
the remaining part of the entertainment.

When the company broke up, he attended her to her lodgings, and
took leave of her with a squeeze of the hand, after having obtained
permission to visit her next morning, and been informed by the
mother that her name was Miss Emilia Gauntlet.

All night long he closed not an eye, but amused himself with plans
of pleasure, which his imagination suggested in consequence of this
new acquaintance. He rose with the lark, adjusted his hair into
an agreeable negligence of curl, and dressing himself in a genteel
gray frock trimmed with silver binding, waited with the utmost
impatience for the hour of ten, which no sooner struck than he hied
him to the place of appointment, and inquiring for Miss gauntlet,
was shown into a parlour. Here he had not waited above ten minutes,
when Emilia entered in a most enchanting undress, with all the
graces of nature playing about her person, and in a moment riveted
the chains of his slavery beyond the power of accident to unbind.

Her mother being still abed, and her brother gone to give orders
about the chaise, in which they proposed to return that same day to
their own habitation, he enjoyed her company a whole hour, during
which he declared his love in the most passionate terms, and begged
that he might be admitted into the number of those admirers whom
she permitted to visit and adore her.

She affected to look upon his vows and protestations as the ordinary
effect of gallantry, and very obligingly assured him that were she
to live in that place she should be glad to see him often; but as
the spot on which she resided was at a considerable distance, she
could not expect he would go so far, upon such a trifling occasion, as
to take the trouble of providing himself with her mamma's permission.

To this favourable hint he with all the eagerness of the most
fervent passion, that he had uttered nothing but the genuine dictates
of his heart; that he desired nothing so much as an opportunity
of evincing the sincerity of his professions; and that, though he
lived at the extremity of the kingdom, he would find means to lay
himself at her feet, provided he could visit her with her mother's
consent, which he assured her he would not fail to solicit.

She then gave him to understand that her habitation was about
sixteen miles front Winchester, in a village which she named, and
where, as he could easily collect from her discourse, he would be
no unwelcome guest.

In the midst of this communication they were joined by Mrs.  Gauntlet,
who received him with great courtesy, thanking him again for his
politeness to Emy at the ball, and anticipated his intention by
saying that she should be very glad to see him at her house, if
ever his occasions should call him that way.


He inquires into the Situation of this young Lady, with whom he is
enamoured--Elopes from School--Is found by the Lieutenant, conveyed
to Winchester, and sends a Letter with a copy of verses to his

He was transported with pleasure at this invitation, which he assured
her he should not neglect; and after a little more conversation
on general topics, took his leave of the charming Emilia and her
prudent mamma, who had perceived the first emotions of Mr. Pickle's
passion for her daughter, and been at some pains to inquire about
his family and fortune.

Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the situation and
pedigree of his new mistress, who, he learned, was the only daughter
of a field-officer, who died before he had it in his power to
make suitable provision for his children; that the widow lived in
a frugal though decent manner on her pension, assisted by the bounty
of her relations; that the son carried arms as a volunteer in the
company which his father had commanded; and that Emilia had been
educated in London, at the expense of a rich uncle, who was seized
with the whim of marrying at the age of fifty-five; in consequence
of which his niece had returned to her mother, without any visible
dependence, except on her own conduct and qualifications.

This account, though it could not diminish his affection, nevertheless
alarmed his pride; for his warm imagination had exaggerated all
his own prospects; and he began to fear that his passion for Emilia
might be thought to derogate from the dignity of his situation.
The struggle between his interest and love produced a perplexity
which had an evident effect upon his behaviour: he became pensive,
solitary, and peevish; avoided public diversions; and grew so remarkably
negligent in his dress, that he was scarce distinguishable by his
own acquaintance. This contention of thoughts continued several
weeks, at the end of which the charms of Emilia triumphed over
every other consideration. Having received a supply of money from
the commodore, who acted towards him with great generosity, he
ordered Pipes to put up some linen and other necessaries in a sort
of knapsack, which he could conveniently carry; and, thus attended,
set out early one morning on foot for the village where his charmer
lived, at which he arrived before two o'clock in the afternoon;
having chosen this method of travelling that his route might not
be so easily discovered, as it must have been had he hired horses,
or taken a place in the stage-coach.

The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging at the
inn where he dined; then he shifted himself, and, according to the
direction he had received, went to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet in
a transport of joyous expectation. As he approached the gate, his
agitation increased; he knocked with impatience and concern, the
door opened, and he had actually asked if Mrs. Gauntlet was at
home, before he perceived that the portress was no other than his
dear Emilia. She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight
of her lover, who instantly recognising his charmer. obeyed the
irresistible impulse of his love, and caught the fair creature in
his arms. Nor did she seem offended at this forwardness of behaviour,
which might have displeased another of a less open disposition, or
less used to the freedom of a sensible education; but her natural
frankness had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar
intercourse in which she had been bred; and therefore, instead
of reprimanding him with a severity of look, she with great good
humour rallied him upon his assurance, which, she observed, was
undoubtedly the effect of his own conscious merit; and conducted
him into a parlour, where he found her mother, who, in very polite
terms, expressed her satisfaction at seeing him within her house.

After tea, Miss Emy proposed an evening walk, which they enjoyed
through a variety of little copses and lawns, watered by a most
romantic stream, that quite enchanted the imagination of Peregrine.

It was late before they returned from this agreeable excursion, and
when our lover wished the ladies good night, Mrs. Gauntlet insisted
upon his staying to supper, and treated him with particular
demonstrations of regard and affection. As her economy was not
encumbered with an unnecessary number of domestics, her own presence
was often required in different parts of the house, so that the
young gentleman was supplied with frequent opportunities of promoting
his suit by all the tender oaths and insinuations that his passion
could suggest. He protested her idea had taken such entire possession
of his heart, that finding himself unable to support her absence
one day longer, he had quitted his studies, and left his governor
by stealth, that he might visit the object of his adoration, and
be blessed in her company for a few days without interruption.

She listened to his addresses with such affability as denoted
approbation and delight, and gently chided him as a thoughtless
truant, but carefully avoided the confession of a mutual flame;
because she discerned, in the midst of all his tenderness, a levity
of pride which she durst not venture to trust with such a declaration.
Perhaps she was confirmed in this caution by her mother, who very
wisely, in her civilities to him, maintained a sort of ceremonious
distance, which she thought not only requisite for the honour and
interest of her family, but likewise for her own exculpation, should
she ever be taxed with having encouraged or abetted him in the
imprudent sallies of his youth; yet, notwithstanding this affected
reserve, he was treated with such distinction by both, that he was
ravished with his situation, and became more and more enamoured
every day.

While he remained under the influence of this sweet intoxication,
his absence produced great disturbance at Winchester. Mr. Jolter
was grievously afflicted at his abrupt departure, which alarmed
him the more, as it happened after a long fit of melancholy which
he had perceived in his pupil. He communicated his apprehensions to
the master of the school, who advised him to apprise the commodore of
his nephew's disappearance, and in the mean time inquire at all the
inns in town, whether he had hired horses, or any sort of carriage,
for his conveyance, or was met with on the road by any person who
could give an account of the direction in which he travelled.

The scrutiny, though performed with great diligence and minuteness,
was altogether ineffectual; they could obtain no intelligence of
the runaway. Mr. Trunnion was well distracted at the news of his
flight; he raved with great fury at the imprudence of Peregrine,
whom in his first transports he d--d as an ungrateful deserter;
then he cursed Hatchway and Pipes, who he swore had foundered the
lad by their pernicious counsels; and, lastly, transferred his
execrations upon Jolter, because he had not kept a better look-out;
finally, he made an apostrophe to that son of a b-- the gout,
which for the present disabled him from searching for his nephew
in person. That he might not, however, neglect any means in his
power, he immediately despatched expresses to all the sea-port
towns on that coast, that he might be prevented from leaving the
kingdom; and the lieutenant, at his own desire, was sent across
the country, in quest of this young fugitive.

Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his inquiries with great
accuracy, when, resolving to return by Winchester, where he hoped
to meet with some hints of intelligence by which he might profit in
his future search, he struck off the common road to take the benefit
of a nearer cut; and finding himself benighted near a village, took
up his lodgings at the first inn to which his horse directed him.
Having bespoke something for supper, and retired to his chamber,
where he amused himself with a pipe, he heard a confused noise of
rustic jollity, which being all of a sudden interrupted, after a
short pause his ear was saluted with the voice of Pipes, who, at
the solicitation of the company, began to entertain them with a

Hatchway instantly recognised the well-known sound, in which, indeed,
he could not possibly be mistaken, as nothing in nature bore the
least resemblance to it; he threw his pipe into the chimney, and,
snatching up one of his pistols, ran immediately to the apartment
from whence the voice issued; he no sooner entered, than, distinguishing
his old ship-mate in a crowd of country peasants, he in a moment
sprang upon him, and, clapping his pistol to his breast, exclaimed,
" D--n you, Pipes, you are a dead man, if you don't immediately
produce young master."

This menacing application had a much greater effect upon the
company than upon Tom, who, looking at the lieutenant with great
tranquility, replied, "Why so I can, Master Hatchway."--"What! safe
and sound?" cried the other. "As a roach," answered Pipes, so much
to the satisfaction of his friend Jack, that he shook him by the
hand, and desired him to proceed with his song. This being performed
and the reckoning discharged, the two friends adjourned to the other
room, where the lieutenant was informed of the manner in which the
young gentleman had made his elopement from college, as well as
of the other particulars of his present situation, as far as they
had fallen within the sphere of his comprehension.

While they sat thus conferring together, Peregrine, having taken
leave of his mistress for the night, came home, and was not a
little surprised, when Hatchway, entering his chamber in his sea
attitude, thrust out his hand by way of salutation. His old pupil
received him as usual, with great cordiality, and expressed his
astonishment at meeting him in that place; but when he understood
the cause and intention of his arrival, he started with concern;
and, his visage glowing with indignation, told him he was old
enough to be judge of his own conduct, and, when he should see it
convenient, would return of himself; but those who thought he was
to be compelled to his duty, would find themselves egregiously

The lieutenant assured him, that for his own part he had no
intention to offer him the least violence; but, at the same time, he
represented to him the danger of incensing the commodore, who was
already almost distracted on account of his absence: and, in short,
conveyed his arguments, which were equally obvious and valid, in
such expressions of friendship and respect, that Peregrine yielded
to his remonstrances, and promised to accompany him next day to

Hatchway, overjoyed at the success of his negotiation, went
immediately to the hostler and bespoke a post-chaise for Mr. Pickle
and his man with whom he afterwards indulged himself in a double
can of rumbo, and, when the night was pretty far advanced, left the
lover to his repose, or rather to the thorns of his own meditation;
for he slept not one moment, being incessantly tortured with the
prospect of parting with his divine Emilia, who had now acquired
the most absolute empire over his soul. One minute he proposed to
depart early in the morning, without seeing this enchantress, in
whose bewitching presence he durst not trust his own resolution;
then the thoughts of leaving her in such an abrupt and disrespectful
manner interposed in favour of his love and honour. This war of
sentiments kept him all night upon the rack, and it was time to
rise before he had determined to visit his charmer, and candidly
impart the motives that induced him to leave her.

He accordingly repaired to her mother's house with a heavy heart,
being attended to the gate by Hatchway, who did not choose to leave
him alone; and being admitted, found Emilia just risen, and, in
his opinion, more beautiful than ever.

Alarmed at his early visit, and the gloom that overspread
his countenance, she stood in silent expectation of hearing some
melancholy tidings; and it was not till after a considerable pause,
that he collected resolution enough to tell her he was come to take
his leave. Though she strove to conceal her sorrow, nature was not
to be suppressed: every feature of her countenance saddened in
a moment; and it was not without the utmost difficulty that she
kept her lovely eyes from overflowing. He saw the situation of her
thoughts, and, in order to alleviate her concern, assured her he
should find means to see her again in a very few weeks: meanwhile
he communicated his reasons for departing, in which she readily
acquiesced; and having mutually consoled each other, their transports
of grief subsided: and before Mrs. Gauntlet came downstairs, they
were in a condition to behave with great decency and resignation.

This good lady expressed her concern when she learned his resolution,
saying, she hoped his occasions and inclinations would permit him
to favour them with his agreeable company another time.

The lieutenant, who began to be uneasy at Peregrine's stay, knocked
at the door, and, being introduced by his friend, had the honour of
breakfasting with the ladies; on which occasion his heart received
such a rude shock from the charms of Emilia, that he afterwards
made a merit with his friend of having constrained himself so far,
as to forbear commencing his professed rival.

At length they bade adieu to their kind entertainers; and in less
than an hour setting out from the inn, arrived about two o'clock
in Winchester, where Mr. Jolter was overwhelmed with joy at their

The nature of this adventure being unknown to all except those who
could be depended upon, everybody who inquired about the cause of
Peregrine's absence, was told that he had been with a relation in
the country, and the master condescended to overlook his indiscretion;
so that Hatchway, seeing everything settled to the satisfaction
of his friend, returned to the garrison, and gave the commodore an
account of his expedition.

The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard there was
a lady in the case, and very emphatically observed, that a man had
better be sucked into the gulf of Florida than once get into the
indraught of a woman; because, in one case, he may with good pilotage
bring out his vessel safe between the Bahamas and the Indian shore;
but in the other there is no outlet at all, and it is in vain to
strive against the current; so that of course he must be embayed,
and run chuck upon a lee-shore. He resolved, therefore, to lay the
state of the case before Gamaliel Pickle, and concert such measures
with him as should be thought likeliest to detach his son from the
pursuit of an idle amour, which could not fail of interfering in
a dangerous manner with the plan of his education.

In the mean time, Perry's ideas were totally engrossed by his amiable
mistress, who, whether he slept or waked, was still present in his
imagination, which produced the following stanzas in her praise:--

    Adieu! ye streams that smoothly flow;
    Ye vernal airs that softly blow;
    Ye plains, by blooming spring arrayed;
    Ye  birds that warble through the shade.

    Unhurt from you my soul could fly,
    Nor drop one tear, nor heave one sigh;
    But forced from Celia's charms to part,
    All joy deserts my drooping heart.

    O' fairer than the rosy morn,
    When flowers the dewy fields adorn;
    Unsallied as the genial ray,
    That warms the balmy breeze of May;

    Thy charms divinely bright appear,
    And add new splendour to the year;
    Improve the day with fresh delight,
    And gild with joy the dreary night.

This juvenile production was enclosed in a very tender billet to
Emilia, and committed to the charge of Pipes, who was ordered to
set out for Mrs. Gauntlet's habitation with a present of venison,
and a compliment to the ladies; and directed to take some opportunity
of delivering the letter to miss, without the knowledge of her


His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a very
extraordinary Expedient that is attended with strange Consequences.

As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she
lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and
accordingly departed on this message, though he was but indifferently
qualified for commissions of such a nature. Having received
particular injunctions about the letter, he resolved to make that
the chief object of his care, and very sagaciously conveyed it
between the stocking and the sole of his foot, where he thought
it would be perfectly secure from all injury or accident.  Here it
remained until he arrived at the inn where he had formerly lodged,
when, after having refreshed himself with a draught of beer, he
pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied with
dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in
walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at this
phenomenon, he uttered it loud whew! which was succeeded by an
exclamation of "D-- my old shoes! a bite by G--!" then he rested
his elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and
in that attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying
this misfortune.

As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concluded
that his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish,
who he knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according
to the directions he should give him; and never dreaming that the
mangled original would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very
wisely committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in
judgment against him.

Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to
whom he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way
of gratification. The clerk, who was also schoolmaster, proud of an
opportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task;
and repairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter
of an hour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction
of Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and
doubled his allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier
betook himself to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of
venison and this succedaneous letter, and delivered his message
to the mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind
inquiries about the health and welfare of his master, attempting to
tip the messenger a crown, which he absolutely refused to accept,
in consequence of Mr. Pickle's repeated caution.  While the old
gentlewoman turned to a servant in order to give directions about
the disposal of the present, Pipes looked upon this as a favourable
occasion to transact his business with Emilia, and therefore shutting
one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and
a most significant twist of his countenance he beckoned the young
lady into another room as if he had been fraught with something of
consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the hint,
howsoever strangely communicated, and, by stepping to one side of
the room gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her
hand, which be gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard:
then throwing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned,
clapped his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending
secrecy and discretion.

Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling
at Tom's politeness and dexterity; but lest her mamma should
detect him in the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this
intercourse of signs, by asking aloud when he proposed to set out
on his return to Winchester? When he answered, "To-morrow morning."
Miss Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman,
desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to
supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young heroine, impatient
to read her lover's billet, which made her heart throb with rapturous
expectation, retired to her chamber as soon as possible, with a
view of perusing the contents, which were these:--

    "Divine Empress Of My Soul,--If the refulgent flames of your
    beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported
    brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity,
    perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious
    through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend
    the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a gray goose
    quill! But, ah! celestial enchantress! the necromancy of thy
    tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine
    chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt I must eternally
    remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe,
    therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial sphere!
    to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy
    benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath
    frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.--Thy most
    egregious admirer and superlative slave,
                                     "Peregrine Pickle."

Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia, when
she read this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three
times before she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She
began to fear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder
in her lover's understanding; but after a thousand conjectures by
which she attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian of
style, she concluded that it was the effect of mere levity, calculated
to ridicule the passion he had formerly professed. Irritated by
this supposition, she resolved to balk his triumph with affected
indifference, and in the mean time endeavoured to expel him from
that place which he possessed within her heart. And indeed such
a victory over her inclinations might have been obtained without
great difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could
accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and her vivacity,
by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from the keener
sensations of sorrow. Thus determined and disposed, she did not send
any sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who
was suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother,
and arrived at Winchester the next day.

Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in, and
he stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some
particular mark of his Emilia's affection; but how was he confounded,
when he found his hope so cruelly disappointed! In an instant his
countenance fell. He stood for some time silent and abashed, then
thrice repeated the interrogation of "What! not one word from
Emilia?" and dubious of his courier's discretion, inquired minutely
into all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had
seen the young lady, if she was in good health, if he had found an
opportunity of delivering his letter, and how she looked, when he
put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that he had never seen her
in better health or better spirits; that he had managed matters
so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to ask
her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told
him that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he
considered as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips
with resentment. Upon further reflection, however, he supposed
that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and would
undoubtedly favour him by the post. This consideration consoled
him for the present, and he waited impatiently for the fruits of
his hope; but after he had seen eight days elapse without reaping
the satisfaction with which he had flattered himself, his temper
forsook him, he raved against the whole sex, and was seized with a
fit of sullen chagrin; but his pride in a little time came to his
assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy
fiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungrateful
mistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity;
and though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery,
he appeared again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and
unconcern, that Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much, in
all likelihood, he disregarded her disdain.

There are never wanting certain officious persons, who take pleasure
in promoting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached
the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she
had conceived from his letter; so that she fortified herself in her
former sentiments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy,
Thus a correspondence, which had commenced with all the tenderness
and sincerity of love, and every promise of duration, was interrupted
in its infancy by a misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity
of Pipes, who never once reflected upon the consequences of his

Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the
present, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret,
though even to themselves unknown, until an occasion, which afterwards
offered, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire in
their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of
each other's attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in
danger of involving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved,
by advice of Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish priest, to
recall him from the place where he had contracted such imprudent
connections, and send him to the university, where his education
might be completed, and his fancy weaned from all puerile amusements.

This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been
already observed, stood always neuter in everything that concerned
his eldest son; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his
name mentioned since his departure with any degree of temper or
tranquility, except when her husband informed her that he was in
a fair way of being ruined by this indiscreet amour. It was then
she began to applaud her own foresight, which had discerned the mark
of reprobation in that vicious boy, and launched out in comparison
between him and Gammy, who, she observed, was a child of uncommon
parts and solidity, and, with the blessing of God, would be a
comfort to his parents, and an ornament to the family.

Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much, was
in every respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a
boy of mean capacity, and, though remarkably distorted in his body,
much more crooked in his disposition; and that she had persuaded
her husband to espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common
sense, as well as to his own perception;--I am afraid the reader
will think I represent a monster that never existed in nature,
and be apt to condemn the economy of my invention: nevertheless,
there is nothing more true than every circumstance of what I have
advanced; and I wish the picture, singular as it is, may not be
thought to resemble more than one original.


Peregrine is summoned to attend his Uncle--Is more and more hated
by his own Mother--Appeals to his Father, whose Condescension is
defeated by the Dominion of his Wife.

But, waiving these reflections, let us return to Peregrine, who
received a summons to attend his uncle, and in a few days arrived
with Mr. Jolter and Pipes at the garrison, which he filled with
joy and satisfaction. The alteration, which, during his absence,
had happened in his person, was very favourable to his appearance,
which, from that of a comely boy, was converted into that of a most
engaging youth. He was already taller than a middle-sized man, his
shape ascertained, his sinews well knit, his mien greatly improved,
and his whole figure as elegant and graceful as if it had been cast
in the same mould with the Apollo of Belvedere.

Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing people in his
favour. The commodore, notwithstanding the advantageous reports he
had heard, found his expectation exceeded in the person of Peregrine,
and signified his approbation in the most sanguine terms.  Mrs.
Trunnion was struck with his genteel address, and received him
with uncommon marks of complacency and affection: he was caressed
by all the people in the neighbourhood, who, while they admired
his accomplishments, could not help pitying his infatuated mother,
for being deprived of that unutterable delight which any other
parent would have enjoyed in the contemplation of such an amiable

Divers efforts were made by some well-disposed people to conquer, if
possible, this monstrous prejudice; but their endeavours, instead
of curing, served only to inflame the distemper, and she never could
be prevailed upon to indulge him with the least mark of maternal
regard. On the contrary, her original disgust degenerated into such
inveteracy of hatred, that she left no stone unturned to alienate
the commodore's affection for this her innocent child, and even
practised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her purpose.
Every day, did she abuse her husband's ear with some forged instance
of Peregrine's ingratitude to his uncle, well knowing that it would
reach the commodore's knowledge at night.

Accordingly Mr. Pickle used to tell him at the club, that his
hopeful favourite had ridiculed him in such a company, and aspersed
his spouse on another occasion; and thus retail the little scandalous
issue of his own wife's invention. Luckily for Peregrine, the
commodore paid no great regard to the authority of his informer,
because he knew from what channel the intelligence flowed; besides,
the youth had a staunch friend in Mr. Hatchway, who never failed to
vindicate him when he was thus unjustly accused, and always found
argument enough to confute the assertions of his enemies. But, though
Trunnion had been dubious of the young gentleman's principles, and
deaf to the remonstrances of the lieutenant, Perry was provided
with a bulwark strong enough to defend him from all such assaults.
This was no other than his aunt, whose regard for him was perceived
to increase in the same proportion as his own mother's diminished;
and, indeed, the augmentation of the one was, in all probability,
owing to the decrease of the other; for the two ladies, with great
civility, performed all the duties of good neighbourhood, and hated
each other most piously in their hearts.

Mrs. Pickle, having been disobliged at the splendour of her sister's
new equipage, had, ever since that time, in the course of her
visiting, endeavoured to make people merry with satirical jokes
on the poor lady's infirmities; and Mrs. Trunnion seized. the very
first opportunity of making reprisals, by inveighing against her
unnatural behaviour to her own child; so that Peregrine, as on
the one hand he was abhorred, so on the other was he caressed, in
consequence of this contention; and I firmly believe that the most
effectual method of destroying his interest at the garrison, would
have been the show of countenancing him at his father's house;
but, whether this conjecture be reasonable or chimerical, certain
it is the experiment was never tried, and therefore Mr. Peregrine
ran no risk of being disgraced. The commodore, who assumed, and
justly too, the whole merit of his education, was now as proud of
the youth's improvements as if he had actually been his own offspring;
and sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of enthusiasm,
that he verily believed him to be the issue of his own loins.
Notwithstanding this favourable predicament in which our hero stood
with his aunt and her husband, he could not help feeling the injury
he suffered from the caprice of his mother; and though the gaiety
of his disposition hindered him from afflicting himself with
reflections of any gloomy cast, he did not fail to foresee, that if
any sudden accident should deprive him of the commodore, he would
in all likelihood find himself in a very disagreeable situation.
Prompted by this consideration, he one evening accompanied his uncle
to the club, and was introduced to his father, before that worthy
gentleman had the least inkling of his arrival.

Mr. Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this reencounter.
His own disposition would not suffer him to do anything that might
create the least disturbance, or interrupt his enjoyment; so strongly
was he impressed with the terror of his wife, that he durst not
yield to the tranquility of his temper: and, as I have already
observed, his inclination was perfectly neutral. Thus distracted
between different motives, when Perry was presented to him, he sat
silent and absorbed, as if he did not or would not perceive the
application; and when he was urged to declare himself by the youth,
who pathetically begged to know how he had incurred his displeasure,
he answered, in a peevish strain, "Why, good now, child, what would
you have me to do? your mother can't abide you."--"If my mother
is so unkind, I will not call it unnatural," said Peregrine, the
tears of indignation starting from his eyes, "as to banish me from
her presence and affection, without the least cause assigned; I
hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse her barbarous prejudice."

Before Mr. Pickle had time to reply to his expostulation, for which
he was not at all prepared, the commodore interposed, and enforced
his favourite's remonstrance, by telling Mr. Gamaliel that he was
ashamed to see any man drive in such a miserable manner under his
wife's petticoat. "As for my own part," said he, raising his voice,
and assuming a look of importance and command, "before I would
suffer myself to be steered all weathers by any woman in Christendom,
d'ye see, I'd raise such a hurricane about her ears, that--" Here
he was interrupted by Mr. Hatchway, who thrusting his head towards
the door, in the attitude of one that listens, cried, "Ahey,
there's your spouse come to pay us a visit." Trunnion's features
that instant adopted a new disposition; fear and confusion took
possession of his countenance; his voice, from a tone of vociferation,
sank into a whisper of, "Sure, you must be mistaken, Jack;" and, in
great perplexity, he wiped off his sweat which had started on his
forehead at this false alarm. The lieutenant, having thus punished
him for the rodomontade he had uttered, told him, with an arch sneer,
that he was deceived with the sound of the outward door creaking
upon its hinges, which he mistook for Mrs. Trunnion's voice, and
desired him to proceed with his admonitions to Mr.  Pickle. It is
not to be denied that this arrogance was a little unseasonable to
the commodore, who was in all respects as effectually subdued to
the dominion of his wife as the person whose submission he then
ventured to condemn; with this difference of disposition--, Trunnion's
subjection was like that of a bear, chequered with fits of surliness
and rage; whereas Pickle bore the yoke like an ox, without repining.
No wonder, then, that this indolence, this sluggishness, this
stagnation of temper rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding
the arguments and importunity of his friends, to which he at length
surrendered. He acquiesced in the justice of their observations:
and, taking his son by the hand, promised to favour him for the
future with his love and fatherly protection.

But this laudable resolution did not last. Mrs. Pickle, still
dubious of his constancy, and jealous of his communication with
the commodore, never failed to interrogate him every night about
the conversation that happened at the club, and to regulate her
exhortations according to the intelligence she received. He was
no sooner, therefore, conveyed to bed (that academy in which all
notable wives communicate their lectures), when her catechism began;
and she in a moment perceived something reluctant and equivocal
in her husband's answers. Aroused at this discovery, she employed
her influence and skill with such success, that he disclosed every
circumstance of what had happened; and after having sustained
a most severe rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion, humbled
himself so far as to promise that he would next day annul the
condescensions he had made, and for ever renounce the ungracious
object of her disgust. This undertaking was punctually performed
in a letter to the commodore, which she herself dictated in these

    "Sir--Whereas my good-nature being last night imposed upon, I
    was persuaded to countenance and promise I know not what to
    that vicious youth, whose parent I have the misfortune to be;
    I desire you will take notice that I will revoke all such
    countenance and promises, and shall never look upon that man
    as my friend who will, in such a cause, solicit,--
    Sir, yours, etc.
                            "Gam. Pickle."


Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle--Peregrine resents
the Injustice of his Mother, to whom he explains his Sentiments in
a Letter-Is entered at the University of Oxford, where he signalizes
himself as a Youth of an enterprising Genius.

Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion was
incensed by this absurd renunciation: he tore the letter with his
gums (teeth he had none), spit with furious grimaces, in token
of the contempt he entertain the for the author, whom he not only
damned as a lousy, scabby, nasty, scurvy, skulking lubberly noodle,
but resolved to challenge to single combat with fire and sword;
but, he was dissuaded from this violent measure, and appeased by
the intervention and advice of the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who
represented the message as the effect of the poor man's infirmity,
for which he was rather an object of pity than of resentment, and
turned the stream of his indignation against the wife, whom he
reviled accordingly. Nor did Peregrine himself bear with patience
this injurious declaration, the nature of which he no sooner
understood from Hatchway than, equally shocked and exasperated, he
retired to his apartment, and, in the first emotions of his ire,
produced the following epistle, which was immediately conveyed to
his mother,--

    "Madam,--Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight, and
    inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was detestable,
    perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of your affection
    and applause; seeing you have persecuted me with such unnatural
    aversion, for no other visible reason than that of my differing
    so widely in shape as well as disposition from that deformed
    urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If these be
    the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour, I pray God
    you may never cease to hate,--Madam, your much-injured son,
                           "Peregrine Pickle."

This letter, which nothing, but his passion and inexperience
could excuse, had such an effect upon his mother as may be easily
conceived. She was enraged to a degree of frenzy against the
writer; though, at the same time, she considered the whole as the
production of Mrs. Trunnion's particular pique, and represented it
to her husband as an insult that he was bound in honour to resent,
by breaking off all correspondence with the commodore and his family.
This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who, through a long course of
years, was so habituated to Trunnion's company, that he could as
easily have parted with a limb as have relinquished the club all
at once. He therefore ventured to represent his own incapacity to
follow her advice, and begged that be might, at least, be allowed
to drop the connection gradually, protesting that he would do his
endeavour to give her all manner of satisfaction.

Meanwhile preparations were made for Peregrine's departure to the
university, and in a few weeks he set out, in the seventeenth year
of his age, accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him
at Winchester. His uncle laid strong injunctions upon him to avoid
the company of immodest women, to mind his learning, to let him hear
of his welfare as often as he could find time to write, and settled
his appointments at the rate of five hundred a year, including his
governor's salary, which was one-fifth part of the sum. The heart
of our young gentleman dilated at the prospect of the figure he
should make with such a handsome annuity the management of which
was left to his own discretion; and he amused his imagination with
the most agreeable reveries during his journey to Oxford, which
he performed in two days. Here, being introduced to the head of
the college, to whom he had been recommended, accommodated with
genteel apartments, entered as gentleman commoner in the books, and
provided with a judicious tutor, instead of returning to the study
of Greek and Latin, in which he thought himself already sufficiently
instructed, he renewed his acquaintance with some of his old
school-fellows, whom he found in the same situation, and was by
them initiated in all the fashionable diversions of the place.

It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his spirit
and humour, which were so acceptable to the bucks of the university,
that he was admitted as a member of their corporation, and in a
very little time became the most conspicuous personage of the whole
fraternity. Not that he valued himself upon his ability in smoking
the greatest number of pipes, and drinking the largest quantity of
ale: these were qualifications of too gross a nature to captivate
his refined ambition. He piqued himself on his talent for raillery,
his genius and taste, his personal accomplishments, and his success
at intrigue. Nor were his excursions confined to the small villages
in the neighbourhood, which are commonly visited once a week. by
the students for the sake of carnal recreation. He kept his own
horses, traversed the whole country in parties of pleasure, attended
all the races within fifty miles of Oxford, and made frequent jaunts
to London, where he used to be incognito during the best part of
many a term.

The rules of the university were too severe to be observed by a
youth of his vivacity; and therefore he became acquainted with the
proctor betimes. But all the checks he received were insufficient
to moderate his career; he frequented taverns and coffee-houses,
committed midnight frolics in the streets, insulted all the sober
and pacific class of his fellow-students: the tutors themselves
were not sacred from his ridicule; he laughed at the magistrate, and
neglected every particular of college discipline. In vain did they
attempt to restrain his irregularities by the imposition of fines;
he was liberal to profusion, and therefore paid without reluctance.
Thrice did he scale the windows of a tradesman, with whose daughter
he had an affair of gallantry; as often was he obliged to seek
his safety by a precipitate leap; and one night would, in all
probability, have fallen a sacrifice to an ambuscade that was laid
by the father, had not his trusty squire Pipes interposed in his
behalf, and manfully rescued him from the clubs of his enemies.

In the midst of these excesses, Mr. Jolter, finding his admonitions
neglected and his influence utterly destroyed, attempted to wean
his pupil from his extravagant courses, by engaging his attention
in some more laudable pursuit. With this view he introduced him into
a club of politicians, who received him with great demonstrations of
regard, accommodated themselves more than he could have expected
to his jovial disposition, and while they revolved schemes
for the reformation of the state, drank with such devotion to the
accomplishment of their plans, that, before parting, the cares of
their patriotism were quite overwhelmed.

Peregrine, though he could not approve of their doctrine, resolved
to attach himself for some time to their company, because he
perceived ample subject for his ridicule in the characters of these
wrong-headed enthusiasts. It was a constant practice with them,
in their midnight consistories, to swallow such plentiful draughts
of inspiration, that their mysteries commonly ended like those of
the Bacchanalian orgia; and they were seldom capable of maintaining
that solemnity of decorum which, by the nature of their functions,
most of them were obliged to profess. Now, as Peregrine's satirical
disposition was never more gratified than when he had an opportunity
of exposing grave characters in ridiculous attitudes, he laid a
mischievous snare for his new confederates, which took effect in
this manner:--In one of their nocturnal deliberations, he promoted
such a spirit of good fellowship by the agreeable sallies of his wit,
which were purposely leveled against their political adversaries,
that by ten o'clock they were all ready to join in the most
extravagant proposal that could be made. They broke their glasses
in consequence of his suggestion, drank healths out of their shoes,
caps, and the bottoms of the candlesticks that stood before them,
sometimes standing with one foot on a chair, and the knee bent on
the edge of the table; and when they could no longer stand in that
posture, setting their bare posteriors on the cold floor. They
huzzaed, hallooed, danced, and sang, and, in short, were elevated
to such a pitch of intoxication, that when Peregrine proposed that
they should burn their periwigs, the hint was immediately approved,
and they executed the frolic as one man. Their shoes and caps
underwent the same fate by the same instigation, and in this trim
he led them forth into the street, where they resolved to compel
everybody they should find to subscribe to their political creed,
and pronounce the Shibboleth of their party. In the achievement of
this enterprise, they met with more opposition than they expected;
they were encountered with arguments which they could not well
withstand; the noses of some, and eyes of others, in a very little
time bore the marks of obstinate disputation. Their conductor having
at length engaged the whole body in a fray with another squadron
which was pretty much in the same condition, he very fairly gave
them the slip, and slyly retreated to his apartment, foreseeing
that his companions would soon be favoured with the notice of their
superiors: nor was he deceived in his prognostic; the proctor,
going his round, chanced to fall in with this tumultuous uproar,
and, interposing his authority, found means to quiet the disturbance.
He took cognizance of their names, and dismissed the rioters to their
respective chambers, not a little scandalized at the behaviour of
some among them, whose business and duty it was to set far other
examples for the youth under their care and direction.

About midnight, Pipes, who had orders to attend at a distance, and
keep an eye upon Jolter, brought home that unfortunate governor
upon his back, Peregrine having beforehand secured his admittance
into the college; and among other bruises, he was found to have
received a couple of contusions on his face, which next morning
appeared in a black circle that surrounded each eye.

This was a mortifying circumstance to a man of his character and
deportment, especially as he had received a message from the proctor,
who desired to see him forthwith. With great humility and contrition
he begged the advice of his pupil, who being used to amuse himself
with painting, assured Mr. Jolter that he would cover those signs
of disgrace with a slight coat of flesh-colour so dexterously, that
it would be almost impossible to distinguish the artificial from
the natural skin. The rueful governor, rather than expose such
opprobrious tokens to the observation and censure of the magistrate,
submitted to the expedient. Although his counsellor had overrated
his own skill, he was persuaded to confide in the disguise, and
actually attended the proctor, with such a staring addition to the
natural ghastliness of his features, that his visage bore a very apt
resemblance to some of those ferocious countenances that hang over
the doors of certain taverns and ale-houses, under the denomination
of the Saracen's head.

Such a remarkable alteration of physiognomy could not escape the
notice of the most undiscerning beholder, much less the penetrating
eye of his severe judge, already whetted with what he had seen
over-night. He was therefore upbraided with this ridiculous and
shallow artifice, and, together with the companions of his debauch,
underwent such a cutting reprimand for the scandalous irregularity
of his conduct, that all of them remained crest-fallen, and were
ashamed, for many weeks, to appear in the public execution of their

Peregrine was too vain of his finesse, to conceal the part he
acted in this comedy, with the particulars of which he regaled his
companions, and thereby entailed upon himself the hate and resentment
of the community whose maxims and practices he had disclosed: for
he was considered as a spy, who had intruded himself into their
society, with a view of betraying it; or, at best, as an apostate
and renegado from the faith and principles which he had professed.


He is insulted by his Tutor, whom he lampoons--Makes a considerable
Progress in Polite Literature; and, in an Excursion to Windsor,
meets with Emilia by accident, and is very coldly received.

Among those who suffered by his craft and infidelity was Mr. Jumble,
his own tutor, who could not at all digest the mortifying affront
he had received, and was resolved to be revenged on the insulting
author. With this view he watched the conduct of Mr. Pickle with
the utmost rancour of vigilance, and let slip no opportunity of
treating him disrespect, which he knew the disposition of his pupil
could less brook than any other severity it was in his power to

Peregrine had been several mornings absent from chapel; and as Mr.
Jumble never failed to question him in a very peremptory style
about his non-attendance, he invented some very plausible excuses;
but at length his ingenuity was exhausted: he received a very galling
rebuke for his proffigacy of morals; and, that he might feel it
the more sensibly, was ordered, by way of exercise, to compose a
paraphrase in English verse upon these two lines in Virgil:--

    Vane Ligur, frustraque animis elate superbis,
    Nequicquam patrias tentasti lubricus artes.

The imposition of this invidious theme had all the desired effect
upon Peregrine, who not only considered it as a piece of unmannerly
abuse leveled against his own conduct, but also a retrospective
insult on the memory of his grandfather, who, as he had been informed,
was in his lifetime more noted for his cunning than candour in

Exasperated at this instance of the pedant's audacity, he had
well nigh, in his first transports, taken corporal satisfaction on
the spot; but, foreseeing the troublesome consequences that would
attend such a flagrant outrage against the laws of the university,
he checked his indignation, and resolved to revenge the injury in a
more cool and contemptuous manner. Thus determined, he set on foot
an inquiry into the particulars of Jumble's parentage and education.
He learnt that the father of this insolent tutor was a brick-layer,
that his mother sold pies, and that the son, in different periods
of his youth, had amused himself in both occupations, before he
converted his views to the study of learning. Fraught with this
intelligence, he composed the following ballad in doggerel rhymes;
and next day, presented it as a gloss upon the text which the tutor
had chosen:--

    Come, listen, ye students of every degree;
    I sing of a wit and a tutor perdie,
    A statesman profound, a critic immense,
    In short a mere jumble of learning and sense;
    And yet of his talents though laudably vain,
    His own family arts he could never attain.

    His father, intending his fortune to build,
    In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield,
    But the mortar of discipline never would stick,
    For his skull was secured by a facing of brick;
    And with all his endeavours of patience and pain,
    The skill of his sire he could never attain.

    His mother, a housewife neat, artful, and wise,
    Renown'd for her delicate biscuit and pies,
    soon alter'd his studies, by flattering his taste,
    From the raising of walls to the rearing of paste!
    But all her instructions were fruitless and vain;
    The pie-making mystery he ne'er could attain.

    Yet true to his race, in his labours were seen
    A jumble of both their professions, I ween;
    For, when his own genius he ventured to trust,
    His pies seemed of brick, and his houses of crust.
    Then good Mr. Tutor, pray be not so vain,
    Since your family arts you could never attain.

This impudent production was the most effectual vengeance he could
have taken on his tutor, who had all the supercilious arrogance
and ridiculous pride of a low-born pedant. Instead of overlooking
this petulant piece of satire with that temper and decency
of disdain that became a person of his gravity and station, he no
sooner cast his eye over the performance, than the blood rushed
into his countenance, and immediately after exhibited a ghastly
pale colour.  With a quivering lip, he told his pupil, that he was
an impertinent jackanapes; and he would take care that he should
be expelled from the university, for having presumed to write and
deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel. Peregrine answered,
with great resolution, that when the provocation he had received
should be known, he was persuaded that he should be acquitted by
the opinion of all impartial people; and that he was ready to submit
the whole to the decision of the master.

This arbitration he proposed, because he knew the master and
Jumble were at variance; and, for that reason, the tutor durst not
venture to put the cause on such an issue. Nay, when this reference
was mentioned, Jumble, who was naturally jealous, suspected that
Peregrine had a promise of protection before he undertook to commit
such an outrageous insult; and this notion had such an effect upon
him, that he decided to devour his vexation, and wait for a more
proper opportunity of gratifying his hate. Meanwhile, copies of
the ballad were distributed among the students, who sang it under
the very nose of Mr. Jumble, to the tune of "A Cobbler there
was" etc.; and the triumph of our hero was complete. Neither was
his whole time devoted to the riotous extravagancies of youth. He
enjoyed many lucid intervals, during which he contracted a more
intimate acquaintance with the classics, applied himself to the
reading of history, improved his taste for painting and music,
in which he made some progress; and, above all things, cultivated
the study of natural philosophy. It was generally after a course
of close attention to some of these arts and sciences, that his
disposition broke out into those irregularities and wild sallies
of a luxuriant imagination, for which he became so remarkable; and
he was perhaps the only young man in Oxford who, at the same time,
maintained an intimate and friendly intercourse with the most
unthinking, as well as the most sedate students at the university.

It is not to be supposed that a young man of Peregrine's vanity,
inexperience, and profusion, could suit his expense to his allowance,
liberal as it was--for he was not one of those fortunate people who
are born economists, and knew not the art of withholding his purse
when he saw his companion in difficulty. Thus naturally generous and
expensive, he squandered away his money, and made a most splendid
appearance upon the receipt of his quarterly appointment; but long
before the third month was elapsed, his finances were consumed:
and as he could not stoop to ask an extraordinary supply, was too
proud to borrow, and too haughty to run in debt with tradesmen, he
devoted those periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies,
and shone forth again at the revolution of quarter-day.

In one of these eruptions he and some of his companions went to
Windsor, in order to see the royal apartments in the castle, whither
they repaired in the afternoon; and as Peregrine stood contemplating
the picture of Hercules and Omphale, one of his fellow-students
whispered in his car, "Zounds! Pickle, there are two fine girls!"
He turned instantly about, and in one of them recognized his almost
forgotten Emilia; her appearance acted upon his imagination like a
spark of fire that falls among gun-powder; that passion which had
lain dormant for the space of two years, flashed up in a moment,
and he was seized with a trepidation. She perceived and partook of
his emotion; for their souls, like unisons, vibrated with the same
impulse. However, she called her pride and resentment to her aid,
and found resolution enough to retire from such a dangerous scene.

Alarmed at her retreat, he recollected all his assurance, and,
impelled by love, which he could no longer resist, followed her into
the next room, where, in the most disconcerted manner, he accosted
her with "Your humble servant, Miss Gauntlet;" to which salutation
she replied, with an affectation of indifference, that did not,
however, conceal her agitation, "Your servant, sir;" and immediately
extending her finger toward the picture of Duns Scotus, which is
fixed over one of the doors, asked her companion, in a giggling
tone, if she did not think he looked like a conjurer? Peregrine,
nettled into spirits by this reception, answered for the other lady,
"that it was an easy matter to be a conjurer in those times, when
the simplicity of the age assisted his divination; but were he,
or Merlin himself, to rise from the dead now, when such deceit and
dissimulation prevail, they would not be able to earn their bread
by the profession."--"0! Sir," said she, turning full upon him,
"without doubt they would adopt new maxims; 'tis no disparagement
in this enlightened age for one to alter one's opinion."--"No,
sure, madam," replied the youth, with some precipitation, "provided
the change be for the better."--"And should it happen otherwise,"
retorted the nymph, with a flirt of her fan, "inconstancy will
never want countenance from the practice of mankind."-"True, madam,"
resumed our hero, fixing his eyes upon her; "examples of levity are
every where to be met with."-"Oh Lord, sir," cried Emilia, tossing
her head, "you'll scarce ever find a fop without it."

By this time his companion, seeing him engaged with one of the
ladies, entered into conversation with the other; and, in order to
favour his friend's gallantry, conducted her into the next apartment,
on pretence of entertaining her with the sight of a remarkable
piece of painting.

Peregrine, laying hold on this opportunity of being alone with the
object of his love, assumed a most seducing tenderness of look,
and, heaving a profound sigh, asked if she had utterly discarded
him from her remembrance. Reddening at this pathetic question,
which recalled the memory of the imagined slight he had put upon
her, she answered in great confusion, "Sir, I believe I once had
the pleasure of seeing you at a ball in Winchester."--"Miss Emilia,"
said he, very gravely, "will you be so candid as to tell me what
misbehaviour of mine you are pleased to punish, by restricting your
remembrance to that single occasion?"--"Mr. Pickle," she replied,
in the same tone, "it is neither my province nor inclination to
judge your conduct; and therefore you misapply your question when
you ask such an explanation of me"--"At least" resumed our lover,
"give me the melancholy satisfaction to know for what offence of
mine you refused to take least notice of that letter which I had the
honour to write from Winchester by your own express permission."--"Your
letter" said miss, with great vivacity, "neither required, nor, in
my opinion, deserved an answer; and to be free with you, Mr. Pickle,
it was but a shallow artifice to rid yourself of a correspondence
you had deigned to solicit."

Peregrine, confounded at this repartee, replied that howsoever he
might have failed in point of elegance or discretion, he was sure
he had not been deficient in expressions of respect and devotion for
those charms which it was his pride to adore: "As for the verses,"
said he, "I own they were unworthy of the theme; but I flattered
myself that they would have merited your acceptance, though not
your approbation, and been considered not so much as the proof of
my genius, as the genuine effusion of my love."--"Verses," cried
Emilia with an air of astonishment, "what verses? I really don't
understand you."

The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this exclamation; to which,
after a long pause, he answered: "I begin to suspect, and heartily
wish it may appear, that we have misunderstood each other from the
beginning. Pray, Miss Gauntlet, did you not find a copy of verses
inclosed in that unfortunate letter?"--"Truly, sit," said the lady,
"I am not so much of a connoisseur as to distinguish whether that
facetious production, which you merrily style as an unfortunate
letter, was composed in verse or prose; but methinks, the jest is
a little too stale to be brought upon the carpet again." So saying,
she tripped away to her companion, and left her lover in a most
tumultuous suspense. He now perceived that her neglect of his
addresses when he was at Winchester, must have been owing to some
mystery which he could not comprehend; and she began to suspect
and to hope that the letter which she received was spurious, though
she could not conceive how that could possibly happen, as it had
been delivered to her by the hands of his own servant.

However, she resolved to leave the task of unravelling this affair
to him, who, she knew, would infallibly exert himself for his own
as well as her satisfaction. She was not deceived in her opinion:
he went up to her again at the staircase, and, as they were improvided
with a male attendant, insisted upon squiring the ladies to their
lodgings. Emilia saw his drift, which was no other than to know where
she lived; and though she approved of his contrivance, thought it
was incumbent upon her, for the support of her own dignity, to decline
the chivalry; she therefore thanked him for his polite offer, but
would by no means consent to his giving himself such unnecessary
trouble, especially as they had a very little way to walk. He was
not repulsed by this refusal, the nature of which he perfectly
understood; nor was she sorry to see him persevere in his
determination: he therefore accompanied them in their return, and
made divers efforts to speak with Emilia in particular; but she had
a spice of the coquette in her disposition, and being determined to
whet his impatience, artfully baffled all his endeavours, by keeping
her companion continually engaged in the conversation, which turned
upon the venerable appearance and imperial situation of the place.
Thus tantalized, he lounged with them  to the door of the house in
which they lodged, when his mistress, perceiving, by the countenance
of her comrade, that she was on the point of desiring him to walk
in, checked her intention with a frown; then, turning to Mr. Pickle,
dropped him a very formal curtsy, seized the other young lady by
the arm, and saying, "Come, cousin Sophy," vanished in a moment.


After sundry unsuccessful Efforts, he finds means to come to an
Explanation with his Mistress; and a Reconciliation ensues.

Peregrine, disconcerted at their sudden disappearance, stood for
some minutes gaping in the street, before he could get the better
of his surprise; and then deliberated with himself whether he should
demand immediate admittance to his mistress, or choose some other
method of application. Piqued at her abrupt behaviour, though
pleased with her spirit, he set his invention to work, in order to
contrive some means of seeing her: and in a fit of musing arrived
at the inn, where he found his companions, whom he had left at
the castle-gate. They had already made inquiry about the ladies;
in consequence of which he learnt that Miss Sophy was daughter
of a gentleman in town to which his mistress was related; that an
intimate friendship subsisted between the two young ladies; that
Emilia had lived almost a month with her cousin, and appeared
at the last assembly, where she was universally admired: and that
several young gentlemen of fortune had since that time teased her
with addresses.

Our hero's ambition was flattered, and his passion inflamed with
this intelligence; and he swore within himself that he would not
quit the spot until he should have obtained an undisputed victory
over all his rivals.

That same evening he composed a most eloquent epistle, in which he
earnestly entreated that she would favour him with an opportunity
of vindicating his conduct: but she would neither receive his
billet, nor see his messenger. Balked in this effort, he inclosed
it in a new cover directed by another hand, and ordered Pipes to ride
next morning to London, on purpose to deliver it at the post-office;
that coming by such conveyance she might have no suspicion of the
author, and open it before she should be aware of the deceit.

Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this stratagem,
and, in the afternoon of the fourth, ventured to hazard a formal
visit, in quality of an old acquaintance. But here too he failed in
his attempt: she was indisposed, and could not see company. These
obstacles served only to increase his eagerness: he still adhered
to his former resolution; and his companions, understanding
his determination, left him next day to his own inventions.
Thus relinquished to his own ideas, he doubled his assiduity, and
practised every method his imagination could suggest, in order to
promote his plan.

Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her door, that
he might be able to give his master an account of her motions; but
she never went abroad except to visit in the neighbourhood, and was
always housed before Peregrine could be apprised of her appearance.
He went to church with a view of attracting her notice, and humbled
his deportment before her; but she was so mischievously devout as
to look at nothing but her book, so that he was not favoured with
one glance of regard. He frequented the coffee-house, and attempted to
contract an acquaintance with Miss Sophy's father, who, he hoped,
would invite him to his house: but this expectation was also
defeated. That prudent gentleman looked upon him as one of those
forward fortune-hunters who go about the country seeking whom they
may devour, and warily discouraged all his advances. Chagrined by
so many unsuccessful endeavours, he began to despair of accomplishing
his aim; and, as the last suggestion of his art, paid off his
lodging, took horse at noon, and departed, in all appearance, for
the place from whence he had come. He rode, but a few miles, and in
the dusk of the evening returned unseen, alighted at another inn,
ordered Pipes to stay within doors, and keeping himself incognito,
employed another person as a sentinel upon Emilia.

It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his ingenuity. Next
day in the afternoon he was informed by his spy that the two young
ladies were gone to walk in the park, whither he followed them on
the instant, fully determined to come to an explanation with his
mistress, even in presence of her friend, who might possibly be
prevailed upon to interest herself in his behalf.

When he saw them at such a distance that they could not return to
town before he should have an opportunity of putting his resolution
in practice, he mended his pace, and found means to appear before
them so suddenly, that Emilia could not help expressing her
surprise in a scream. Our lover, putting on a mien of humility and
mortification, begged to know if her resentment was implacable;
and asked why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common
privilege that every criminal enjoyed. "Dear Miss Sophy," said he,
addressing himself to her companion, "give me leave to implore your
intercession with your cousin. I am sure you have humanity enough
to espouse my cause, did you but know the justice of it; and
I flatter myself that by your kind interposition I may be able to
rectify that fatal misunderstanding which hath made me wretched."--"
Sir," said Sophy, "you appear like a gentleman, and I doubt not
but your behaviour has been always suitable to your appearance;
but you must excuse me from undertaking any such office in behalf
of a person whom I have not the honour to know."--"Madam," answered
Peregrine, "I hope Miss Emy will justify my pretensions to that
character, notwithstanding the mystery of her displeasure, which,
upon my honour, I cannot for my soul explain."--"Lord! Mr. Pickle,"
said Emilia, who had by this time recollected herself, "I never
questioned your gallantry and taste; but I am resolved that you
shall never have cause to exercise your talents at my expense; so
that you tease yourself and me to no purpose. Come, Sophy, let us
walk home again."--"Good God! madam," cried the lover, with great
emotion, "why will you distract me with such barbarous indifference?
Stay, dear Emilia!--I conjure you on my knees to stay and hear
me.  By all that is sacred, I was not to blame. You must have been
imposed upon by some villain who envied my good fortune, and took
some treacherous method to ruin my love."

Miss Sophy, who possessed a large stock of good nature, and to
whom her cousin had communicated the cause of her reserve, seeing
the young gentleman so much affected with that disdain which she
knew to be feigned, laid hold on Emilia's sleeve, saying, with a
smile, "Not quite so fast, Emily. I begin to perceive that this is
a love-quarrel, and therefore there may be hopes of a reconciliation;
for I suppose both parties are open to conviction."--"For my own
part," cried Peregrine, with great eagerness, "I appeal to Miss
Sophy's decision. But why do I say appeal? Though I am conscious of
having committed no offence, I am ready to submit to any penance,
let it be never so rigorous, that my fair enslaver herself shall
impose, provided it will entitle me to her favour and forgiveness
at last." Emily, well nigh overcome by this declaration, told him,
that as she taxed him with no guilt, she expected no atonement,
and pressed her companion to return to town. But Sophy, who was
too indulgent to her friend's real inclination to comply with her
request, observed that the gentleman seemed so reasonable in his
concessions, that she began to think her cousin was in the wrong,
and felt herself disposed to act as umpire in the dispute.

Overjoyed at this condescension, Mr. Pickle thanked her in the most
rapturous terms, and, in the transport of his expectation, kissed
the hand of his kind mediatrix--a circumstance which had a remarkable
effect on the countenance of Emilia, who did not seem to relish
the warmth of his acknowledgment.

After many supplications on one hand, and pressing remonstrances
on the other, she yielded at length, and, turning to her lover.
while her face was overspread with blushes,--"Well, sir," said
she, "supposing I were to put the difference on that issue, how
could you excuse the ridiculous letter which you sent to me from
Winchester?" This expostulation introduced a discussion of the whole
affair, in which all the circumstances were canvassed; and Emilia
still affirmed, with great heat, that the letter must have been
calculated to affront her; for she could not suppose the author
was so weak as to design it for any other purpose.

Peregrine, who still retained in his memory the substance of this
unlucky epistle, as well as the verses which were inclosed, could
recollect no particular expression which could have justly given
the least umbrage; and therefore, in the agonies of perplexity,
begged that the whole might be submitted to the judgment of Miss
Sophy, and faithfully promised to stand to her award. In short, this
proposal was, with seeming reluctance, embraced by Emilia, and an
appointment made to meet next day in the place, whither both parties
were desired to come provided with their credentials, according to
which definitive sentence would be pronounced.

Our lover, having succeeded thus far, overwhelmed Sophy with
acknowledgments on account of her generous mediation; and in the
course of their walk, which Emilia was now in no hurry to conclude,
whispered a great many tender protestations in the ear of his
mistress, who nevertheless continued to act upon the reserve, until
her doubts should be more fully resolved.

Mr. Pickle, having found means to amuse them in the fields till the
twilight, was obliged to wish them good even, after having obtained
a solemn repetition of their promise to meet him at the appointed
time and place, and then retreated to his apartment, where he
spent the whole night in various conjectures on the subject of the
letter, the Gordian knot of which he could by no means untie. One
while he imagined that some wag had played a trick on his messenger,
in consequence of which Emilia had received a supposititious letter;
but, upon farther reflection, he could not conceive the practicability
of any such deceit. Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his
mistress, who perhaps had only made that a handle for discarding
him, at the request of some favoured rival; but his own integrity
forbade him to harbour this mean suspicion; and therefore he was
again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity. Next day he waited
on the rack of impatience for the hour of five in the afternoon,
which no sooner struck than he ordered Pipes to attend him, in
case there should be occasion for his evidence, and repaired to the
place of rendezvous, where he had not tarried five minutes before
the ladies appeared. Mutual compliments being passed, and the
attendant stationed at a convenient distance, Peregrine persuaded
them to sit down upon the grass, under the shade of a spreading oak,
that they might be more at their ease; while he stretched himself
at their feet, and desired that the paper on which his doom depended
might be examined. It was accordingly put into the hand of his
fair arbitress, who read it immediately with an audible voice. The
first two words of it were no sooner pronounced, than he started,
with great emotion, and raised himself upon his hand and knee, in
which posture he listened to the rest of the sentence; then sprang
upon his feet in the utmost astonishment, and, glowing with resentment
at the same time, exclaimed, "Hell and the devil! what's all that?
Sure you make a jest of me, madam!"--"Pray, sir," said Sophy, "give
me the hearing for a few moments, and then urge what you shall
think proper in your own defence." Having thus cautioned him, she
proceeded; but before she had finished one-half of the performance,
her gravity forsook her, and she was seized with a violent fit
of laughter, in which neither of the lovers could help joining,
notwithstanding the resentment which at that instant prevailed in
the breasts of both. The judge, however, in a little time, resumed
her solemnity, and having read the remaining part of this curious
epistle, all three continued staring at each other alternately
for the space of half a minute, and then broke forth at the same
instant in another paroxysm of mirth. From this unanimous convulsion,
one would have thought that both parties were extremely well pleased
with a joke, yet this was by no means the case.

Emilia imagined that, notwithstanding his affected surprise, her
lover, in spite of himself, had received the laugh at her expense,
and in so doing applauded his own unmannerly ridicule. This
supposition could not fail of raising and reviving her indignation,
while Peregrine highly resented the indignity, with which he supposed
himself treated, in their attempting to make him the dupe of such
a gross and ludicrous artifice. This being the situation of their
thoughts, their mirth was succeeded by a mutual gloominess of
aspect; and the judge, addressing herself to Mr. Pickle, asked if
he had anything to offer why sentence should not be pronounced?
"Madam," answered the culprit, "I am sorry to find myself so low
in the opinion of your cousin as to be thought capable of being
deceived by such shallow contrivance."--"Nay, sir," said Emilia, the
contrivance is your own; and I cannot help admiring your confidence
in imputing it to me."--"Upon my honour, Miss Emily, resumed our
hero, "you wrong my understanding, as well as my love, in accusing
me of having written such a silly, impertinent performance. The
very appearance and address of it is so unlike the letter which
I did myself the honour to write, that I dare say my man, even at
this distance of time, will remember the difference."

So saying, he extended his voice, and beckoned to Pipes, who
immediately drew near. His mistress seemed to object to the evidence,
by observing that to be sure Mr. Pipes had his cue; when Peregrine,
begging she would spare him the mortification of considering him
in such a dishonourable light, desired his valet to examine the
outside of the letter, and recollect if it was the same which he
had delivered to Miss Gauntlet about two years ago. Pipes, having
taken a superficial view of it, pulled up his breeches, saying,
"Mayhap it is, but we have made so many trips, and been in so many
creeks and corners since that time, that I can't pretend to be
certain; for I neither keep journal nor log-book of our proceedings."
Emilia commended him for his candour, at the same time darting
a sarcastic look at his master, as if she thought he had tampered
with his servant's integrity in vain; and Peregrine began to live
and curse his fate for having subjected him to such mean suspicion,
attesting heaven and earth in the most earnest manner, that far
from having composed and conveyed that stupid production, he had
never seen it before, nor been privy to the least circumstance of
the plan.

Pipes, now, for the first time, perceived the mischief which he
had occasioned; and, moved with the transports of his master, for
whom he had a most inviolable attachment, frankly declared he was
ready to make oath that Mr. Pickle had no hand in the letter which
he delivered. All three were amazed at this confession, the meaning
of which they could not comprehend. Peregrine, after some pause,
leaped upon Pipes, and seizing him by the throat, exclaimed, in an
ecstasy of rage. "Rascal! tell me this instant what became of the
letter I entrusted to your care." The patient valet, half-strangled
as he was, squirted a collection of tobacco-juice out of one corner
of his mouth, and with great deliberation replied, "Why, burnt it,
you wouldn't have me to give the young woman a thing that shook
all in the wind in tatters, would you?" The ladies interposed in
behalf of the distressed squire, from whom, by dint of questions
which he had neither art nor inclination to evade, they extorted
an explanation of the whole affair.

Such ridiculous simplicity and innocence of intention appeared in
the composition of his expedient, that even the remembrance of all the
chagrin which it had produced, could not rouse their indignation,
or enable the to resist a third eruption of laughter which
they forthwith underwent. Pipes was dismissed, with many menacing
injunctions to beware of such conduct for the future; Emilia
stood with a confusion of joy and tenderness in her countenance;
Peregrine's eyes kindled into rapture, and, when Miss Sophy pronounced
the sentence of reconciliation, advanced to his mistress, saying,
"Truth is mighty, and will prevail;" then clapping her in his
arms, very impudently ravished a kiss, which she had not power to
refuse. Nay, such was the impulse of his joy, that he took the same
freedom with the lips of Sophy, calling her his kind mediatrix and
guardian angel; and behaved with such extravagance of transport,
as plainly evinced the fervour and sincerity of his love.

I shall not pretend to repeat the tender protestations that were
uttered on one side, or describe the bewitching glances of approbation
with which they were received on the other, suffice it to say that
the endearing intimacy of their former connection was instantly
renewed, and Sophy, who congratulated them on the happy termination
of their quarrel, favoured with their mutual confidence.  In
consequence of this happy pacification, they deliberated upon the
means of seeing each other often; and as he could not, without
some previous introduction, visit her openly at the house of her
relation, they agreed to meet every afternoon in the park till the
next assembly, at which he would solicit her as a partner, and she
be unengaged, in expectation of his request. By this connection
he would be entitled to visit her next day, and thus an avowed
correspondence would of course commence. This plan was actually put
in execution, and attended with a circumstance which had well-nigh
produced some mischievous consequence, had not Peregrine's good
fortune been superior to his discretion.


He achieves an Adventure at the Assembly, and quarrels with his

At the assembly, were no fewer than three gentlemen of fortune, who
rivalled our lover in his passion for Emilia, and who had severally
begged the honour of dancing with her upon this occasion. She had
excused herself to each, on pretence of a slight indisposition
that she foresaw would detain her from the ball, and desired they
would provide themselves with other partners. Obliged to admit
her excuse, they accordingly followed her advice; and after they
had engaged themselves beyond the power of retracting, had the
mortification of seeing her there unclaimed. They in their turn
made up to her, and expressed their surprise and concern at finding
her in the assembly unprovided, after she had declined their
invitation; but she told them that her cold had forsaken her since
she had the pleasure of seeing them, and that she would rely upon
accident for a partner.  Just as she pronounced these words to the
last of the three, Peregrine advanced as an utter stranger, bowed
with great respect, told her he understood she was unengaged,
and would think himself highly honoured in being accepted as her
partner for the night; and he had the good fortune to succeed in
his application.

As they were by far the handsomest and best-accomplished couple in the
room, they could not fail of attracting the notice and admiration
of the spectators, which inflamed the jealousy of his three
competitors, who immediately entered into a conspiracy against this
gaudy stranger, whom, as their rival, they resolved to affront in
public. Pursuant to the plan which they projected for this purpose,
the first country-dance was no sooner concluded, than one of them,
with his partner, took place of Peregrine and his mistress, contrary
to the regulation of the ball. Our lover, imputing his behaviour
to inadvertency, informed the gentleman of his mistake, and civilly
desired he would rectify his error. The other told him, in an
imperious tone, that he wanted none of his advice, and bade him
mind his own affairs. Peregrine answered, with some warmth, and
insisted upon his right: a dispute commenced, high words, ensued,
in the course of which, our impetuous youth hearing himself reviled
with the appellation of scoundrel, pulled off his antagonist's
periwig, and flung it in his face. The ladies immediately shrieked,
the gentlemen interposed, Emilia was seized with a fit of trembling,
and conducted to her seat by her youthful admirer, who begged pardon
for having discomposed her, and vindicated what he had done, by
representing the necessity he was under to resent the provocation
he had received.

Though she could not help owning the justice of his plea, she
not the less concerned at the dangerous situation in which he had
involved himself, and, in the utmost consternation and anxiety, insisted
upon going directly home: he could not resist her importunities;
and her cousin being determined to accompany her, he escorted to
their lodgings, where he wished them good night, after having, in
order to quiet their apprehensions, protested, that if his opponent
was satisfied, he should never take any step towards the prosecution
of the quarrel. Meanwhile the assembly-room became a of scene of
tumult and uproar: the person who conceived himself injured, seeing
Peregrine retire, struggled with his companions, in order to pursue
and take satisfaction of our hero, whom he loaded with terms of
abuse, and challenged to single combat. The director of the ball
held a consultation with all the subscribers who were present; and
it was determined, by a majority of votes, that the two gentlemen
who had occasioned the disturbance should be desired to withdraw.
This resolution being signified to one of the parties then present,
he made some difficulty of complying, but was persuaded to submit
by his two confederates, who accompanied him to the street-door,
where he was met by Peregrine on his return to the assembly.

This choleric gentleman, who was a country squire, no sooner saw his
rival, than he began to brandish his cudgel in a menacing posture,
when our adventurous youth, stepping back with one foot, laid his
hand upon the hilt of his sword, which he drew half way out of the
scabbard. This attitude, and the sight of the blade which glistened
by moonlight in his face, checked, in some sort, the ardour of his
assailant, who desired he would lay aside his toaster, and take a
bout with him at equal arms. Peregrine, who was an expert cudgel-player,
accepted the invitation: then, exchanging weapons with Pipes, who
stood behind him, put himself in a posture of defence, and received
the attack of his adversary, who struck at random, without either
skill or economy. Pickle could have beaten the cudgel out of his hand
at the first blow; but as in that case he would have been obliged
in honour to give immediate quarter, he resolved to discipline his
antagonist without endeavouring to disable him, until he should
be heartily satisfied with the vengeance he had taken.  With this
view be returned the salute, and raised such a clatter about the
squire's pate, that one who had heard without seeing the application,
would have taken the sound for that of a salt-box, in the hand
of a dexterous merry-andrew, belonging to one of the booths at
Bartholomew-fair. Neither was this salutation confined to his head:
his shoulders, arms, thighs, ankles, and ribs, were visited with
amazing rapidity, while Tom Pipes sounded the charge through his
fist. Peregrine, tired with his exercise, which had almost bereft
his enemy of sensation, at last struck the decisive blow, in
consequence of which the squire's weapon flew out of his grasp,
and he allowed our hero to be the better man. Satisfied with this
acknowledgment, the victor walked upstairs with such elevation of
spirits and insolence of mien, that nobody chose to intimate the
resolution, which had been taken in his absence; there, having
amused himself for some time in beholding the country-dances, he
retreated to his lodging, where he indulged himself all night in
the contemplation of his own success.

Next day in the forenoon he went to visit his partner; and the
gentleman, at whose house she lived, having been informed of his
family and condition, received him with great courtesy, as the
acquaintance of his cousin Gauntlet, and invited him to dinner that
same day. Emilia was remarkably well pleased, when she understood
the issue of his adventure, which began to make some noise in
town even though it deprived her of a wealthy admirer. The squire,
having consulted an attorney about the nature of the dispute, in
hopes of being able to prosecute Peregrine for an assault, found
little encouragement to go to law: he therefore resolved to pocket
the insult and injury he had undergone, and to discontinue his
addresses to her who was the cause of both.

Our lover being told by his mistress that she proposed to stay
a fortnight longer in Windsor, he determined to enjoy her company
all that time, and then to give her a convoy to the house of her
mother, whom he longed to see. In consequence of this plan, he
every day contrived some fresh party of pleasure for the ladies,
to whom he had by this time free access; and entangled himself
so much in the snares of love, that he seemed quite enchanted by
Emilia's charms, which were now indeed almost irresistible. While
he thus heedlessly roved in the flowery paths of pleasure, his
governor at Oxford.  alarmed at the unusual duration of his absence,
went to the young gentlemen who had accompanied him in his excursion,
and very earnestly entreated them to tell him, what they knew
concerning his pupil: they accordingly gave him an account of the
reencounter that happened between Peregrine and Miss Emily Gauntlet
in the castle, and mentioned circumstances sufficient to convince
him that his charge was very dangerously engaged.

Far from having an authority over Peregrine, Mr. Jolter durst not
even disoblige him: therefore, instead of writing to the commodore,
he took horse immediately, and that same night reached Windsor,
where he found his stray sheep very much surprised at his unexpected
arrival. The governor desiring to have some serious conversation
with him, they shut themselves up in an apartment, when Jolter,
with great solemnity, communicated the cause of his journey, which
was no other than his concern for his pupil's welfare; and very
gravely undertook to prove, by mathematical demonstration, that this
intrigue, if further pursued, would tend to the young gentleman's
ruin and disgrace. This singular proposition raised the curiosity
of Peregrine, who promised to yield all manner of attention, and
desired him to begin without further preamble.

The governor, encouraged by this appearance of candour, expressed
his satisfaction in finding him so open to conviction, and told
him he would proceed upon geometrical principles; then, hemming
thrice, observed that no mathematical inquiries could be carried
on, except upon certain data, or concessions of truth that were
self-evident; and therefore he must have his assent to a few axioms,
which he was sure Mr. Pickle would see no reason to dispute. "In
the first place, then," said he, "you will grant, I hope, that
youth and discretion are with respect to each other as two parallel
lines, which, though infinitely produced, remain still equidistant,
and will never coincide: then you must allow that passion acts upon
the human mind in a ratio compounded of the acuteness of sense,
and constitutional heat; and, thirdly, you will not deny that the
angle of remorse is equal to that of precipitation. These postulata
being admitted," added he, taking pen, ink, and paper, and drawing
a parallelogram, "let youth be represented by the right line, a b,
and discretion by another right line, c d, parallel to the former.
Complete the parallelogram, a b c d, and let the point of intersection,
b, represent perdition. Let passion, represented under the letter
c, have a motion in the direction c a. At the same time, let another
motion be communicated to it, in the direction c d, it will proceed
in the diagonal c b, and describe it in the same time that it would
have described the side c a, by the first motion, or the side, c d,
by the second. To understand the demonstration of this corollary,
we must premise this obvious principle, that when a body is acted
upon by a motion of power parallel to a right line given in position,
this power, or motion, has no effect to cause the body to approach
towards that line, or recede from it, but to move in a line parallel
to a right line only; as appears from the second law of motion:
therefore c a being parallel to d b--"

His pupil having listened to him thus far, could contain himself
no longer, but interrupted the investigation with a loud laugh, and
told him that his postulata put him in mind of a certain learned
and ingenious gentleman, who undertook to disprove the existence
of natural evil, and asked no other datum on which to found his
demonstration, but an acknowledgment that "everything that is, is
right." "You may therefore," said he, in a peremptory tone, "spare
yourself the trouble of torturing your invention; for, after all,
I am pretty certain that I shall want capacity to comprehend the
discussion of your lemma, and consequently be obliged to all the
pangs of an ingenuous mind that I refuse my assent to your deduction."

Mr. Jolter was disconcerted at this declaration, and so much offended
at Peregrine's disrespect, that he could not help expressing his
displeasure, by telling him flatly, that he was too violent and
headstrong to be reclaimed by reason and gentle means; that he (the
tutor) must be obliged, in the discharge of his duty and conscience,
to inform the commodore of his pupil's imprudence; that if the
laws of this realm were effectual, they would take cognizance of
the gipsy who had led him astray; and observed, by way of contrast,
that if such a preposterous intrigue had happened in France, she
would have been clapped up in a convent two years ago.  Our lover's
eyes kindled with indignation, when he heard his mistress treated
with such irreverence: he could scarce refrain from inflicting
manual chastisement on the blasphemer, whom he reproached in his
wrath as an arrogant pedant, without either delicacy or sense, and
cautioned him against rising any such impertinent freedoms with his
affairs for the future on pain of incurring more severe effects of
his resentment.

Mr. Jolter, who entertained very high notions of that veneration to
which he thought himself entitled by his character and qualifications,
had not borne, without repining, his want of influence and authority
over his pupil, against whom he cherished a particular grudge ever
since the adventure of the painted eye; and therefore, on this
occasion, his politic forbearance had been overcome by the accumulated
motives of his disgust. Indeed, he would have resigned his charge
with disdain, had not he been encouraged to persevere, by the hopes
of a good living which Trunnion had in his gift, or known how to
dispose of himself for the present to better advantage.


He receives a Letter from his Aunt, breaks with the Commodore, and
disobliges the Lieutenant, who, nevertheless, undertakes his Cause.

Meanwhile he quitted the youth in high dudgeon, and that same
evening despatched a letter for Mrs. Trunnion, which was dictated
by the first transports of his passion, and of course replete with
severe animadversions on the misconduct of his pupil. In consequence
of this complaint, it was not long before Peregrine received an
epistle from his aunt, wherein she commemorated all the circumstances
of the commodore's benevolence towards him, when he was helpless
and forlorn, deserted and abandoned by his own parents; upbraided
him for his misbehaviour, and neglect of his tutor's advice; and
insisted upon his breaking off an intercourse with that girl who
had seduced his youth, as he valued the continuance of her affection
and her husband's regard.

As our lover's own ideas of generosity were extremely refined, he
was shocked at the indelicate insinuations of Mrs. Trunnion, and felt
all the pangs of an ingenuous mind that labours under obligations
to a person whom it contemns. Far from obeying her injunction, or
humbling himself by a submissive answer to her reprehension, his
resentment buoyed him up above every selfish consideration: he
resolved to attach himself to Emilia, if possible, more than ever;
and although he was tempted to punish the officiousness of Jolter,
by recriminating upon his life and conversation, he generously withstood
the impulse of his passion, because he knew that his governor had
no other dependence than the good opinion of the commodore. He
could not, however, digest in silence the severe expostulations of
his aunt; to which he replied by the following letter, addressed
to her husband:--

    "Sir,--Though my temper could never stoop to offer nor, I
    believe, your disposition deign to receive, that gross incense
    which the illiberal only expect, and none but the base-minded
    condescend to pay; my sentiments have always done justice to
    your generosity, and my intention scrupulously adhered to the
    dictates of my duty. Conscious of this integrity of heart, I
    cannot but severely feel your lady's unkind (I will not call
    it ungenerous) recapitulation of the favours I have received;
    and, as I take it for granted that you knew and approved of her
    letter, I must beg leave to assure you, that, far from being
    swayed by menaces and reproach, I am determined to embrace the
    most abject extremity of fortune, rather than submit to such
    dishonourable compulsion. When I am treated in a more delicate
    and respectful manner, I hope I shall behave as becomes,--Sir,
    your obliged
                                "P. Pickle."

The commodore, who did not understand those nice distinctions
of behaviour, and dreaded the consequence of Peregrine's amour,
against which he was strangely prepossessed, seemed exasperated at
the insolence and obstinacy of this adopted son; to whose epistle
he wrote the following answer, which was transmitted by the hands
of Hatchway, who had orders to bring the delinquent along with him
to the garrison:--

    "Hark ye, child,--You need not bring your fine speeches to bear
    upon me: you only expend your ammunition to no purpose. Your
    aunt told you nothing but truth; for it is always fair and
    honest to be above-board, d'ye see. I am informed as how you
    are in chase of a painted galley, which will decoy you upon the
    flats of destruction, unless you keep a better look-out and a
    surer reckoning than you have hitherto done; and I have sent
    Jack Hatchway to see how the land lies, and warn you of your
    danger: if so be as you will put about ship, and let him steer
    you into this harbour, you shall meet with a safe berth and
    friendly reception; but if you refuse to alter your course you
    cannot expect any farther assistance from yours as you behave,
                                   "Hawser Trunnion."

Peregrine was equally piqued and disconcerted at the receipt of
this letter, which was quite different from what he had expected;
and declared in a resolute tone to the lieutenant, who brought it,
that he might return as soon as he pleased, for he was determined
to consult his own inclination, and remain for some time longer
where he was.

Hatchway endeavoured to persuade him, by all the arguments which
his sagacity and friendship could supply, to show a little more
deference for the old man, who was by this time rendered fretful and
peevish by the gout, which now hindered him from enjoying himself
as usual, who might, in his passion, take some step very much to the
detriment of the young gentleman, whom he had hitherto considered
as his own son. Among other remonstrances, Jack observed that mayhap
Peregrine had got under Emilia's hatches, and did not choose to set
her adrift; and that if that was the case, he himself would take
charge of the vessel, and see her cargo safely delivered; for he
had a respect for the young woman, and his needle pointed towards
matrimony; and as, in all probability, she could not be much the
worse for the wear, he would make shift to scud through life with
her under an easy sail.

Our lover was deaf to all his admonitions, and, having thanked him
for this last instance of his complaisance, repeated his resolution
of adhering to his first purpose. Hatchway, having profited so
little by mild exhortations: assumed a more peremptory aspect, and
plainly told him that he neither could nor would go home without
him; so he had best make immediate preparation for the voyage.

Peregrine made no other reply to this declaration than by a contemptuous
smile, and rose from his seat in order to retire; upon which the
lieutenant started up, and, posting himself by the door, protested,
with some menacing gestures, that he would not suffer him to run
a-head neither. The other, incensed at his presumption in attempting
to detain him by force, tripped up his wooden leg, and laid him on
his back in a moment; then walked deliberately towards the park,
in order to indulge his reflection, which at that time teemed with
disagreeable thoughts. He had not proceeded two hundred steps when
he heard something blowing and stamping behind him; and, looking back,
perceived the lieutenant at his heels, with rage and indignation in
his countenance. This exasperated seaman, impatient of the affront
he had received, and forgetting all the circumstances of their
former intimacy, advanced with great eagerness to his old friend,
saying, "Look ye, brother, you're a saucy boy, and if you was
at sea, I would have your backside brought to the davit for your
disobedience; but as we are on shore, you and I must crack a pistol
at one another: here is a brace; you shall take which you please."

Peregrine, upon recollection, was sorry for having been laid
under the necessity of disobliging honest Jack, and very frankly
asked his pardon for what he had done. But this condescension was
misinterpreted by the other, who refused any other satisfaction
but that which an officer ought to claim; and, with some irreverent
expressions, asked if Perry was afraid of his bacon? The youth,
inflamed at this unjust insinuation, darted a ferocious look at
the challenger, told him he had paid but too much regard to his
infirmities, and bid him walk forward to the park, where he would
soon convince him of his error, if he thought his concession
proceeded from fear.

About this time, they were overtaken by Pipes, who, having heard
the lieutenant's fall and seen him pocket his pistols, suspected
there was a quarrel in the case, and followed him with a view of
protecting his master. Peregrine, seeing him arrive, and guessing
his intention, assumed an air of serenity; and pretending that he
had left his handkerchief at the inn, ordered his man to go thither
and fetch it to him in the park, where he would find them at his
return. This command was twice repeated before Tom would take any
other notice of the message, except by shaking his head; but being
urged with many threats and curses to obedience, he gave them
to understand that he knew their drift too well to trust them by
themselves. "As for you, Lieutenant Hatchway," said he, "I have been
your shipmate, and know you to be a sailor, that's enough; and as
for master, I know him to be as good a man as ever stept betwixt
stem and stern, whereby, if you have anything to say to him, I am
your man, as the saying is. Here's my sapling, and I don't value
your crackers of a rope's end." This oration, the longest that
ever Pipes was known to make, he concluded with a flourish of his
cudgel, and enforced with such determined refusals to leave them, that
they found it impossible to bring the cause to mortal arbitrement
at that time, and strolled about the park in profound silence;
during which, Hatchway's indignation subsiding, he, all of a sudden,
thrust out his hand as an advance to reconciliation, which being
cordially shaken by Peregrine, a general pacification ensued; and
was followed by a consultation about the means of extricating the
youth from his present perplexity. Had his disposition been like
that of most other young men, it would have been no difficult task
to overcome his difficulties; but such was the obstinacy of his
pride, that he deemed himself bound in honour to resent the letters
he had received; and instead of submitting to the pleasure of the
commodore, expected an acknowledgment from him, without which he
would listen to no terms of accommodation. "Had I been his own son,"
said he, "I should have borne his reproof, and sued for forgiveness;
but knowing myself to be on the footing of an orphan, who depends
entirely upon his benevolence, I am jealous of everything that can
be construed into disrespect, and insist upon being treated with
the most punctual regard. I shall now make application to my father,
who is obliged to provide for me by the ties of nature, as well
as the laws of the land; and if he shall refuse to do me justice,
I can never want employment while men are required for his Majesty's

The lieutenant, alarmed at this intimation, begged he would take
no new step until he should hear from him; and that very evening
set out for the garrison, where he gave Trunnion an account of the
miscarriage of his negotiation, told him how highly Peregrine was
offended at the letter, communicated the young gentleman's sentiments
and resolution, and finally assured him that unless he should think
proper to ask pardon for the offence he had committed, he would,
in all appearance, never more behold the face of his godson.

The old commodore was utterly confounded at this piece of intelligence:
he had expected all the humility of obedience and contrition from
the young man; and, instead of that, received nothing but the most
indignant opposition, and even found himself in the circumstances of
an offender, obliged to make atonement, or forfeit all correspondence
with his favourite. These insolent conditions at first threw
him into an agony of wrath; and he vented execrations with such
rapidity that he left himself no time to breathe, and had almost
been suffocated with his choler. He inveighed bitterly against the
ingratitude of Peregrine, whom he mentioned with many opprobrious
epithets, and swore that he ought to be keelhauled for his
presumption; but when he began to reflect more coolly upon the
spirit of the young gentleman, which had already manifested itself
on many occasions, and listened to the suggestions of Hatchway, whom
he had always considered as an oracle in his way, his resentment
abated, and he determined to take Perry into favour again; this
placability being not a little facilitated by Jack's narrative
of our hero's intrepid behaviour at the assembly, as well as the
contest with him in the park. But still this plaguy amour occurred
like a bugbear to his imagination; for he held it as an infallible
maxim, that woman was an eternal source of misery to man.  Indeed,
this apophthegm he seldom repeated since his marriage, except in
the company of a very few intimates, to whose secrecy and discretion
he could trust. Finding Jack himself at a nonplus in the affair of
Emilia, he consulted Mrs. Trunnion, who was equally surprised and
offended when she understood that her letter did not produce the
desired effect; and after having imputed the youth's obstinacy to
his uncle's unseasonable indulgence, had recourse to the advice
of the parson, who, still with an eye to his friend's advantage,
counselled them to send the young gentleman on his travels, in the
course of which he would, in all probability, forget the amusements
of his greener years. The proposal was judicious, and immediately
approved; when Trunnion, going into his closet, after divers
efforts, produced the following billet, with which Jack departed
for Windsor that same afternoon:--

    "My good lad,--If I gave offence in my last letter I'm sorry
    for't, d'ye see: I thought it was the likeliest way to bring
    you up; but, in time to come, you shall have a larger swing
    of cable. When you can spare time, I should be glad if you will
    make a short trip and see your aunt, and him who is--Your
    loving godfather and humble servant,
                                   "Hawser Trunnion.
    P.S. If you want money, you may draw upon me payable at sight,"


He becomes Melancholy and Despondent--Is favoured with the condescending
Letter from his Uncle--Reconciles himself to his Governor, and sets
out with Emilia and her Friend for Mrs.  Gauntlet's House.

Peregrine, fortified as he was with pride and indignation, did not
fail to feel the smarting suggestions of his present situation:
after having lived so long in an affluent and imperious manner,
he could ill brook the thoughts of submitting to the mortifying
exigencies of life. All the gaudy schemes of pomp and pleasure,
which his luxuriant imagination had formed, began to dissolve; a
train of melancholy ideas took possession of his thoughts; and the
prospect of losing Emilia was not the least part of his affliction.
Though he endeavoured to suppress the chagrin that preyed upon his
heart, he could not conceal the disturbance of his mind from the
penetration of that amiable young lady, who sympathized with him
in her heart, though she could not give her tongue the liberty of
asking the cause of his disorder; for, notwithstanding all the ardour
of his addresses, he never could obtain from her the declaration of
a mutual flame; because, though he had hitherto treated her with
the utmost reverence of respect, he had never once mentioned the
final aim of his passion. However honourable she supposed it to
be, she had discernment enough to foresee that vanity or interest,
co-operating with the levity of youth, might one day deprive her of
her lover, and she was too proud to give him any handle of exulting
at her expense. Although he was received by her with the most
distinguished civility, and even an intimacy of friendship, all
his solicitations could never extort from her an acknowledgment of
love: on the contrary, being of a gay disposition, she sometimes
coquetted with other admirers, that his attention thus whetted
might never abate, and that he might see she had other resources
in case he should flag in his affection.

This being the prudential plan on which she acted, it cannot be
supposed that she would condescend to inquire into the state of
his thoughts when she saw him thus affected; but she, nevertheless,
imposed that task on her cousin and confidant, who, as they walked
together in the park observed that he seemed to be out of humour.
When this is the case, such a question generally increases the
disease; at least it had that effect upon Peregrine, who replied
somewhat peevishly, "I assure you, madam, you never were more
mistaken in your observations."--"I think so, too," said Emilia, "for
I never saw Mr. Pickle in higher spirits." This ironical encomium
completed his confusion: he affected to smile, but it was a smile
of anguish, and in his heart he cursed the vivacity of both.  He
could not for his soul recollect himself so as to utter one connected
sentence; and the suspicion that they observed every circumstance
of his behaviour, threw such a damp on his spirits that he was quite
overwhelmed with shame and resentment, when Sophy, casting her eyes
towards the gate, said, "Yonder is your servant, Mr. Pickle, with
another man who seems to have a wooden leg." Peregrine started
at this intelligence, and immediately underwent sundry changes of
complexion, knowing that his fate, in a great measure, depended
upon the information he would receive from his friend.

Hatchway, advancing to the company, after a brace of sea bows to
the ladies, took the youth aside, and put the commodore's letter
into his hand, which threw him into such an agitation that he
could scarce pronounce, "Ladies, will you give me leave?" When, in
consequence of their permission, he attempted to open the billet,
he fumbled with such manifest disorder, that his mistress, who
watched his motions, began to think that there was something very
interesting in the message; and so much was she affected with his
concern, that she was fain to turn her head another way, and wipe
the tears from her lovely eyes.

Meanwhile, Peregrine no sooner read the first sentence than his
countenance, which before was overcast with a deep gloom, began to
be lighted up, and every feature unbending by degrees, he recovered
his serenity. Having perused the letter, his eyes sparkling with joy
and gratitude, he hugged the lieutenant in his arms, and presented
him to the ladies as one of his best friends. Jack met with a most
gracious reception, and shook Emilia by the hand, telling her,
with the familiar appellation of "old acquaintance" that he did not
care how soon he was master of such another clean-going frigate as
herself. The whole company partook of this favourable change that
evidently appeared in our lover's recollection, and enlivened his
conversation with such an uncommon flow of sprightliness and good
humour, as even made an impression on the iron countenance of Pipes
himself, who actually smiled with satisfaction as he walked behind

The evening being pretty far advanced, they directed their course
homeward; and while the valet attended Hatchway to the inn, Peregrine
escorted the ladies to their lodgings, where he owned the justness
of Sophy's remark in saying he vas out of humour, and told them
he had been extremely chagrined at a difference which had happened
between him and his uncle, to whom, by the letter which they had
seen him receive, he now found himself happily reconciled.

Having received their congratulations, and declined staying to
sup with them, on account of the longing desire he had to converse
with his friend Jack, he took his leave, and repaired to the inn,
where Hatchway informed him of everything that had happened in the
garrison upon his presentations. Far from being disgusted, he was
perfectly well pleased with the prospect of going abroad, which
flattered his vanity and ambition, gratified his thirst after
knowledge, and indulged that turn for observation, for which he had
been remarkable from his most tender years. Neither did he believe
a short absence would tend to the prejudice of his love, but, on
the contrary, enhance the value of his heart, because he should
return better accomplished, consequently, a more welcome offering
to his mistress. Elevated with these sentiments, his heart dilated
with joy; and the sluices of his natural benevolence being opened
by this happy turn of his affairs, he sent his compliment to Mr.
Jolter, to whom he had not spoken during a whole week, and desired
he would favour Mr. Hatchway and him with his company at supper.

The governor was not weak enough to decline this invitation;
in consequence of which he forthwith appeared, and was cordially
welcomed by the relenting pupil, who expressed his sorrow for the
misunderstanding which had prevailed between them, and assured him
that for the future he would avoid giving him any just cause of
complaint. Jolter, who did not want affections, was melted by this
acknowledgment, which he could not have expected; and earnestly
protested, that his chief study had always been, and ever should
be, to promote Mr. Pickle's interest and happiness.

The best part of the night being spent in the circulation of
a cheerful glass, the company broke up; and next morning Peregrine
went out with a view of making his mistress acquainted with his uncle's
intention of sending him out of the kingdom for his improvement,
and of saying everything which he thought necessary for the interest
of his love. He found her at breakfast with her cousin; and, as he
was very full of the subject of his visit, had scarce fixed himself
in his seat, when he brought it upon the carpet, by asking, with
a smile, if the ladies had any commands for Paris?  Emilia at this
question began to stare, and her confidant desired to know who
was going thither? He no sooner gave to understand that he himself
intended in a short time to visit that capital, than his mistress
with great precipitation wished him a good journey, and affected
to talk with indifference the pleasures he would enjoy in France;
but when he seriously assured Sophy, who asked if he was in earnest,
and his uncle actually insisted upon his making a short tour, the
tears gushed in poor Emilia's eyes, and she was at great pains to
conceal her concern, by observing that the tea was so scalding hot,
as to make her eyes water.  This pretext was too thin to impose
upon her lover, or even deceive the observation of her friend Sophy,
who, after breakfast, took an opportunity of quitting the room.

Thus left by themselves, Peregrine imparted to her what he had
learnt of the commodore's intention, without, however, mentioning
a syllable of his being offended at their correspondence;
and accompanied his information with such fervent vows of eternal
constancy and solemn promises of a speedy return, that Emily's
heart, which had been invaded by a suspicion that this scheme of
travelling was an effect of her lover's inconstancy, began to be
more at ease; and she could not help signifying her approbation of
his design.

This affair being amicably compromised, he asked how soon she
proposed to set out for her mother's house; and understanding that
her departure was fixed for next day but one, and that her Cousin
Sophy intended to accompany her in her father's chariot, he repeated
his intention of attending her. In the mean time he dismissed the
governor and the lieutenant to the garrison, with his compliments
to his aunt and the commodore, and a faithful promise of his being
with them in six days at farthest. These previous measures being
taken, he, attended by Pipes, set out with the ladies; and they
had also a convoy for twelve miles from Sophy's father, who, at
parting, recommended them piously to the care of Peregrine, with
whom by this time, he was perfectly well acquainted.


They meet with a dreadful Alarm on the Road--Arrive at their
Journey's end--Peregrine is introduced to Emily's Brother--These
two young Gentlemen misunderstand each other--Pickle departs for
the Garrison.

As they travelled at an easy rate, they had performed something
more than one half of their journey, when they were benighted near
an inn, at which they resolved to lodge; the accommodation was very
good, they supped together with great mirth and enjoyment, and it
was not till after he had been warned by the yawns of the ladies,
that he conducted them to their apartment; where, wishing them
good night, he retired to his own, and went to rest. The house was
crowded with country-people who had been at a neighbouring fair,
and now regaled themselves with ale and tobacco in the yard; so
that their consideration, which at any time was but slender, being
now overwhelmed by this debauch, they staggered into their respective
kennels, and left a lighted candle sticking to one of the wooden
pillars that supported the gallery. The flame in a little time
laid hold on the wood, which was as dry as tinder; and the whole
gallery was on fire, when Peregrine suddenly waked, and found
himself almost suffocated. He sprang up in an instant, slipped on
his breeches, and, throwing open the door of his chamber, saw the
whole entry in a blaze.

Heavens! what were the emotions of his soul, when he beheld the
volumes of flame and smoke rolling towards the room where his dear
Emilia lay! Regardless of his own danger, he darted himself through
the thickest of the gloom, when knocking hard, and calling at
the same time to the ladies, with the most anxious entreaty to be
admitted, the door was opened by Emilia in her shift, who asked,
with the utmost trepidation, what was the matter? He made no reply,
but snatching her up in his arms, like another Aeneas, bore her
through the flames to a place of safety; where leaving her before
she could recollect herself, or pronounce one word, but "Alas; my
Cousin Sophy!" he flew back to the rescue of that young lady, and
found her already delivered by Pipes, who having been alarmed by
the smell of fire, had got up, rushed immediately to the chamber
where he knew these companions lodged, and Emily being saved by her
lover brought off Miss Sophy with the loss of his own shock-head
of hair, which was singed off in his retreat.

By this time the whole inn was alarmed; every lodger, as well as
servant, exerted himself, in order to stop the progress of this
calamity: and there being a well-replenished horse-pond in the yard,
in less than an hour the fire was totally extinguished, without
having done any other damage than that of consuming about two yards
of the wooden gallery.

All this time our young gentleman closely attended his fair
charge, each of whom had swooned with apprehension; but as their
constitutions were good, and their spirits not easily dissipated,
when upon reflection they found themselves and their company safe,
and that the flames were happily quenched, the tumult of their fears
subsided, they put on their clothes, recovered their good humour,
and began to rally each other on the trim in which they had been
secured. Sophy observed that now Mr. Pickle had an indisputable
claim to her cousin's affection; and therefore she ought to lay
aside all affected reserve for the future, and frankly avow the
sentiments of her heart. Emily retorted the argument, putting her
in mind, that by the same claim Mr. Pipes was entitled to the like
return from her. Her friend admitted the force of the conclusion,
provided she could not find means of satisfying his deliverer
in another shape; and, turning, to the valet, who happened to be
present, asked if his heart was not otherwise engaged. Tom, who did
not conceive the meaning of the question, stood silent according
to custom; and the interrogation being repeated, answered, with a
grin, "Heart-whole as a biscuit, I'll assure you, mistress."--"What!"
said Emilia, "have you never been in love, Thomas?"--"Yes, forsooth,"
replied the valet without hesitation, "sometimes of a morning."

Peregrine could not help laughing, and his mistress looked a little
disconcerted at this blunt repartee: while Sophy, slipping a purse
into his hand, told him there was something to purchase a periwig.
Tom, having consulted his master's eyes, refused the present, saying,
"No, thank ye as much as if I did;" and though she insisted upon
his putting it in his pocket, as a small testimony of her gratitude,
he could not be prevailed upon to avail himself of her generosity;
but following her to the other end of the room, thrust it into
her sleeve without ceremony, exclaiming, "I'll be d--d to hell if
I do." Peregrine, having checked him for his boorish behaviour,
sent him out of the room, and begged that Miss Sophy would not
endeavour to debauch the morals of his servant, who, rough and
uncultivated as he was, had sense enough to perceive that he had no
pretension to any such acknowledgment. But she argued, with great
vehemence, that she should never be able to make acknowledgment
adequate to the service he had done her, and that she should never
be perfectly easy in her own mind until she found some opportunity
of manifesting the sense she had of the obligation: "I do not
pretend," said she, "to reward Mr. Pipes; but I shall be absolutely
unhappy, unless I am allowed to give him some token of my regard."

Peregrine, thus earnestly solicited, desired, that since she was
bent upon displaying her generosity, she would not bestow upon him
any pecuniary gratification, but honour him with some trinket, as
a mark of consideration; because he himself had such a particular
value for the fellow, on account of his attachment and fidelity,
that be should be sorry to see him treated on the footing of a
common mercenary domestic. There was not one jewel in the possession
of this grateful young lady, that she would not have gladly given
as a recompense, or badge of distinction, to her rescuer; but his
master pitched upon a seal ring of no great value that hung at her
watch, and Pipes, being called in, had permission to accept that
testimony of Miss Sophy's favour. Tom received it accordingly with
sundry scrapes; and, having kissed it with great devotion, put
it on his little finger, and strutted off, extremely proud of his

Emilia, with a most enchanting sweetness of aspect, told her lover
that he had instructed her how to behave towards him; and taking
a diamond ring from her finger, desired he would wear it for her
sake.  He received the pledge as became him, and presented another
in exchange, which she at first refused, alleging that it would
destroy the intent of her acknowledgment; but Peregrine assured her
he had accepted her jewel, not as a proof of her gratitude, but as
the mark of her love; and that if she refused a mutual token, he
should look upon himself as the object of her disdain. Her eyes
kindled, and her cheeks glowed with resentment at this impudent
intimation, which she considered as an unseasonable insult, and
the young gentleman, perceiving her emotion, stood corrected for
his temerity, and asked pardon for the liberty of his remonstrance,
which he hoped she would ascribe to the prevalence of that principle
alone, which he had always taken pride in avowing.

Sophy, seeing him disconcerted, interposed in his behalf, and chid
her cousin for having practised such unnecessary affectation; upon
which, Emilia, softened into compliance, held out her finger as a
signal of her condescension. Peregrine put on the ring with great
eagerness, and mumbled her soft white hand in an ecstasy which would
not allow him to confine his embraces to that limb, but urged him
to seize her by the waist, and snatch a delicious kiss from her
love-pouting lips; nor would he leave her a butt to the ridicule
of Sophy, on whose mouth he instantly committed a rape of the
same nature: so that the two friends, countenanced by each other,
reprehended him with such gentleness of rebuke, that he was almost
tempted to repeat the offence.

The morning being now lighted up, and the servants of the inn on
foot, he ordered some chocolate for breakfast, and at the desire
of the ladies, sent Pipes to see the horses fed, and the chariot
prepared, while he went to the bar, and discharged the bill.

These measures being taken, they set out about five o'clock, and
having refreshed themselves and their cattle at another inn on the
road, proceeded in the afternoon. Without meeting with any other
accident, they safely arrived at the place of their destination,
where Mrs. Gauntlet expressed her joy at seeing her old friend
Mr.  Pickle, whom, however, she kindly reproached for the long
discontinuance of his regard. Without explaining the cause of that
interruption, he protested that his love and esteem had never been
discontinued, and that for the future he should omit no occasion of
testifying how much he had her friendship at heart. She then made
him acquainted with her son, who at that time was in the house,
being excused from his duty by furlough.

This young man, whose name was Godfrey, was about the age of
twenty, of a middling size, vigorous make, remarkably well-shaped,
and the scars of the small-pox, of which he bore a good number, added
a peculiar manliness to the air of his countenance. His capacity
was good, and his disposition naturally frank and easy; but he had
been a soldier from his infancy, and his education was altogether
in the military style. He looked upon taste and letters as mere
pedantry, beneath the consideration of a gentleman, and every civil
station of life as mean, when compared with the profession of arms.
He had made great progress in the gymnastic sciences of dancing,
fencing, and riding; played perfectly well on the German flute;
and, above all things valued himself upon a scrupulous observance
of all the points of honour.

Had Peregrine and he considered themselves upon equal footing, in
all probability they would have immediately entered into a league
of intimacy and friendship: but this sufficient soldier looked upon
his sister's admirer as a young student raw from the university,
and utterly ignorant of mankind; while Squire Pickle beheld Godfrey
in the light of a needy volunteer, greatly inferior to himself
in fortune, as well as every other accomplishment. This mutual
misunderstanding could not fail of animosities. The very next day
after Peregrine's arrival, some sharp repartees passed between them
in presence of the ladies, before whom each endeavoured to assert
his own superiority. In these contests our hero never failed of
obtaining the victory, because his genius was more acute, and his
talents better cultivated, than those of his antagonist, who therefore
took umbrage at his success, became jealous of his reputation, and
began to treat him with marks of scorn and disrespect.

His sister saw, and, dreading the consequence of his ferocity, not
only took him to task in private for his impolite behaviour, but
also entreated her lover to make allowances for the roughness of
her brother's education. He kindly assured her, that whatever pains
it might cost him to vanquish his own impetuous temper, he would,
for her sake, endure all the mortifications to which her brother's
arrogance might expose him; and, after having stayed with her two
days, and enjoyed several private interviews, during which he acted
the part of a most passionate lover, he took his leave of Mrs.
Gauntlet overnight, and told the young ladies be would call early
next morning to bid them farewell. He did not neglect this piece
of duty, and found the two friends and breakfast already prepared
in the parlour. All three being extremely affected with the thoughts
of parting, a most pathetic silence for some time prevailed, till
Peregrine put an end to it by lamenting his fate, in being obliged
to exile himself so long from the dear object of his most interesting
wish. He begged, with the most earnest supplications, that she
would now, in consideration of the cruel absence he must suffer,
give him the consolation which she had hitherto refused; namely, that
of knowing he possessed a place within her heart. The confidante
seconded his request, representing that it was now no time
to disguise her sentiments, when her lover was about to leave the
kingdom, and might be in danger of contracting other connections,
unless he was confirmed in his constancy, by knowing how far
he could depend upon her love; and, in short, she was plied with
such irresistible importunities, that she answered in the utmost
confusion, "Though I have avoided literal acknowledgments, methinks
the circumstances of my behaviour might have convinced Mr.  Pickle
that I do not regard him as a common acquaintance."--"My charming
Emily," cried the impatient lover, throwing himself at her feet,
"why will you deal out my happiness in such scanty portions?  Why
will you thus mince the declaration which would overwhelm me with
pleasure, and cheer my lonely reflection, while I sigh amid the
solitude of separation?" His fair mistress, melted by this image,
replied, with the tears gushing from her eyes, "I'm afraid I shall
feel that separation more severely than you imagine." Transported
at this flattering confession, he pressed her to his breast,
and while her head reclined upon his neck, mingled his tears with
hers in great abundance, breathing the most tender vows of eternal
fidelity.  The gentle heart of Sophy could not bear this scene
unmoved: she wept with sympathy, and encouraged the lovers to
resign themselves to the will of fate, and support their spirits
with the hope of meeting again on happier terms. Finally, after
mutual promises, exhortations, and endearments, Peregrine took his
leave, his heart being so full that he could scarce pronounce the
word Adieu! and, mounting his horse at the door, set out with Pipes
for the garrison.


Peregrine is overtaken by Mr. Gauntlet, with whom he fights a Duel,
and contracts an intimate Friendship--He arrives at the Garrison,
and finds his Mother as implacable as ever--He is insulted by his
Brother Gam, whose Preceptor he disciplines with a Horsewhip.

In order to expel the melancholy images that took possession of his
fancy, at parting from his mistress, he called in the flattering
ideas of those pleasures he expected to enjoy in France; and before
he had rode ten miles, his imagination was effectually amused.
While he thus prosecuted his travels by anticipation, and indulged
himself in all the insolence of hope, at the turning of a lane he
was all of a sudden overtaken by Emilia's brother on horseback,
who told him he was riding the same way, and should be glad of his
company. This young gentleman, whether prompted by personal pique,
or actuated with zeal for the honour of his family, had followed
our hero, with the view of obliging him to explain the nature of
his attachment to his sister.

Peregrine returned his compliment with such disdainful civility as
gave him room to believe that he suspected his errand; and therefore,
without further preamble, he declared his business in these words:
"Mr. Pickle, you have carried on a correspondence with my sister
for some time, and I should be glad to know the nature of it." To
this question our lover replied, "Sir, I should be glad to know
what title you have to demand that satisfaction?"--"Sir," answered
the other, "I demand it in the capacity of a brother, jealous of
his own honour, as well as of his sister's reputation; and if your
intentions are honourable, you will not refuse it."--"Sir," said
Peregrine, "I am not at present disposed to appeal to your opinion
for the rectitude of my intentions: and I think you assume a little
too much importance, in pretending to judge my conduct."--"Sir,"
replied the soldier, "I pretend to judge the conduct of every man
who interferes with my concerns, and even to chastise him, if I
think he acts amiss."--"Chastise!" cried the youth, with indignation
in his looks, "sure you dare not apply that term to me?"--"You
are mistaken," said Godfrey; "I dare do anything that becomes the
character of a gentleman."--"Gentleman, God wot!" replied the other,
looking contemptuously at his equipage, which was none of the most
superb, "a very pretty gentleman, truly!"

The soldier's wrath was inflamed by this ironical repetition, the
contempt of which his conscious poverty made him feel; and he called
his antagonist presumptuous boy, insolent upstart, and with other
epithets, which Perry retorted with great bitterness. A formal
challenge having passed between them, they alighted at the first
inn, and walked into the next field, in order to decide their
quarrel by the sword. Having pitched upon the spot, helped to pull
off each other's boots, and laid aside their coats and waistcoats,
Mr. Gauntlet told his opponent, that he himself was looked upon
in the army as an expert swordsman, and that if Mr. Pickle had not
made that science his particular study, they should be upon a more
equal footing in using pistols. Peregrine was too much incensed
to thank him for his plain dealing, and too confident of his own
skill to relish the other's proposal, which he accordingly rejected:
then, drawing his sword, he observed, that were he to treat Mr.
Gauntlet according to his deserts, he would order his man to punish
his audacity with a horsewhip. Exasperated at this expression,
which he considered as an indelible affront, he made no reply, but
attacked his adversary with equal ferocity and address. The youth
parried his first and second thrust, but received the third in the
outside of his sword-arm. Though the wound was superficial, he was
transported with rage at sight of his own blood, and returned the
assault with such fury and precipitation, that Gauntlet, loath to
take advantage of his unguarded heat, stood upon the defensive. In
the second lounge, Peregrine's weapon entering a kind of network in
the shell of Godfrey's sword, the blade snapped in two, and left him
at the mercy of the soldier, who, far from making an insolent use
of the victory he had gained, put up his Toledo with great deliberation,
like a man who had been used to that kind of reencounters, and
observed that such a blade as Peregrine's was not to be trusted
with a man's life: then advising the owner to treat a gentleman in
distress with more respect for the future, he slipped on his boots,
and with sullen dignity of demeanour stalked back to the inn.

Though Pickle was extremely mortified at his miscarriage in this
adventure, he was also struck with the behaviour of his antagonist,
which affected him the more, as he understood that Godfrey's fierte
had proceeded from the jealous sensibility of a gentleman declined
into the vale of misfortune. Gauntlet's valour and moderation induced
him to put a favourable construction on all those circumstances of
that young soldier's conduct, which before had given him disgust.
Though in any other case he would have industriously avoided the
least appearance of submission, he followed his conqueror to the
inn with a view of thanking him for his generous forbearance, and
of soliciting his friendship and correspondence.

Godfrey had his foot in the stirrup to mount, when Peregrine, coming
up to him, desired he would defer his departure for a quarter of
an hour, and favour him with a little private conversation. The
soldier, who mistook the meaning of the request, immediately quitted
his horse, and followed Pickle into a chamber, where he expected
to find a brace of pistols loaded on the table: but he was very
agreeably deceived, when our hero, in the most respectful terms,
acknowledged his noble deportment in the field, owned that till
then he had misunderstood his character, and begged that he would
honour him with his intimacy and correspondence.

Gauntlet, who had seen undoubted proofs of Peregrine's courage,
which had considerably raised him in his esteem, and had sense enough
to perceive that this concession was not owing to any sordid or
sinister motive, embraced his offer with demonstrations of infinite
satisfaction. When he understood the terms on which Mr.  Pickle
was with his sister, he proffered his service in his turn, either
as agent, mediator, or confidant: nay, to give this new friend a
convincing proof of his sincerity, he disclosed to him a passion
which he had for some time entertained for his cousin Miss Sophy,
though he durst not reveal his sentiments to her father, lest he
should be offended at his presumption, and withdraw his protection
from the family.

Peregrine's generous heart was wrung with anguish, when he understood
that this young gentleman, who was the only son of a distinguished
officer, had carried arms for the space of five years, without
being able to obtain a subaltern's commission, though he always
had behaved with remarkable regularity and spirit, and, acquired
the friendship and esteem of all the officers under whom he had
served. He would, at that time, with the utmost pleasure, have
shared his finances with him; but as he would not run the risk of
offending the young soldier's delicacy of honour by a premature
exertion of his liberality, he resolved to insinuate himself into
an intimacy with him, before he would venture to take such freedoms;
and with that view pressed Mr. Gauntlet to accompany him to the
garrison, where he did not doubt of having influence enough to make
him a welcome guest. Godfrey thanked him very courteously for his
invitation, which he said he could not immediately accept; but
promised, if he would favour him with a letter, and fix the time
at which he proposed to set out for France, he would endeavour to
visit him at the commodore's habitation, and from thence give him
a convoy to Dover. This new treaty being settled, and a dossil of
lint, with a snip of plaster, applied to our adventurer's wound, he
parted from the brother of his dear Emilia, to whom and his friend
Sophy he sent his kindest wishes; and having lodged one night
upon the road, arrived next day in the afternoon at the garrison,
where he found all his friends in good health, and overjoyed at
his return.

The commodore, who was by this time turned of seventy, and altogether
crippled by the gout, seldom went abroad; and as his conversation
was not very entertaining, had but little company within doors; so
that his spirits must have quite stagnated, had not they been kept
in motion by the conversation of Hatchway, and received at different
times a wholesome fillip from the discipline of his spouse, who,
by the force of pride, religion, and Cognac, had erected a most
terrible tyranny in the house. There was such a quick circulation
of domestics in the family, that every suit of livery had been
worn by figures of all dimensions. Trunnion himself had long before
this time yielded to the torrent of her arbitrary sway, though not
without divers obstinate efforts to maintain his liberty; and now,
that he was disabled by his infirmities, when he used to bear his
empress singing the loud Orthyan song among the servants below,
he would often in whispers communicate to the lieutenant hints of
what he would do if so be as how he was not deprived of the use of
his precious limbs. Hatchway was the only person whom the temper of
Mrs. Trunnion respected, either because she dreaded his ridicule,
or looked upon his person with eyes of affection. This being the
situation of things in the garrison, it is not to be doubted that
the old gentleman highly enjoyed the presence of Peregrine, who
found means to ingratiate himself so effectually with his aunt,
that while he remained at home, she seemed to have exchanged the
disposition of a tigress for that of a gentle kid; but he found
his own mother as implacable, and his father as much henpecked, as

Gamaliel, who now very seldom enjoyed the conversation of his old
friend the commodore, had some time ago entered into an amicable
society, consisting of the barber, apothecary, attorney, and
exciseman of the parish, among whom he used to spend the evening at
Tunley's, and listen to their disputes upon philosophy and politics
with great comfort and edification, while his sovereign lady
domineered at home as usual, visited with pomp in the neighbourhood,
and employed her chief care in the education of her darling son
Gam, who was now in the fifteenth year of his age, and so remarkable
for his perverse disposition, that, in spite of his mother's
influence and authority, he was not only hated, but also despised,
both at home and abroad. She had put him under the tuition of the
curate, who lived in the family, and was obliged to attend him
in all his exercises and excursions. This governor was a low-bred
fellow, who had neither experience nor ingenuity, but possessed a
large fund of adulation and servile complaisance, by which he had
gained the good graces of Mrs. Pickle, and presided over all her
deliberations in the same manner as his superior managed those of
Mrs. Trunnion.

He had one day rode out to take the air with his pupil, who, as I
have already observed, was odious to the poor people, for having
killed their dogs and broken their inclosures, and, on account of
his hump, distinguished by the title of My Lord, when in a narrow
lane they chanced to meet Peregrine on horseback. The young squire
no sooner perceived his elder brother, for whom he had been instructed
to entertain the most inveterate grudge, than he resolved to insult
him en passant, and actually rode against him from gallop.  Our
hero, guessing his aim, fixed himself in his stirrups, and by a
dexterous management of the reins avoided the shock in such a manner
as that their legs only should encounter; by which means my lord
was tilted out of his saddle, and in a twinkling laid sprawling
in the dirt. The governor, enraged at the disgrace of his charge,
advanced with great insolence and fury, and struck at Peregrine with
his whip. Nothing could be more agreeable to our young gentleman
than this assault, which furnished him with an opportunity of
chastising an officious wretch, whose petulance and malice he had
longed to punish. He therefore, spurring up his horse towards his
antagonist, overthrew him in the middle of a hedge. Before he had
time to recollect himself from the confusion of the fall, Pickle
alighted in a trice, and exercised his horsewhip with such agility
about the curate's face and ears, that he was fain to prostrate
himself before his enraged conqueror, and implore his forbearance
in the most abject terms. While Peregrine was thus employed, his
brother Gam had made shift to rise and attack him in the rear; for
which reason, when the tutor was quelled, the victor faced about,
snatched the weapon out of his hand, and having broken it to pieces,
remounted his horse and rode off, without deigning to honour him
with any other notice.

The condition in which they returned produced infinite clamour
against the conqueror, who was represented as a ruffian who had
lain in ambush to make away with his brother, in whose defence the
curate was said to have received those cruel stripes that hindered
him from appearing for three whole weeks in the performance of his
duty at church. Complaints were made to the commodore, who, having
inquired into the circumstances of the affair, approved of what his
nephew had done, adding, with many oaths, that provided Peregrine
had been out of the scrape, he wished Crook-back had broken his
neck in the fall.


He projects a plan of Revenge, which is executed against the Curate.

Our hero, exasperated at the villainy of the curate, in the treacherous
misrepresentation he had made of this encounter, determined to rise
upon him a method of revenge, which should be not only effectual but
also unattended any bad consequence to himself.  For this purpose
he and Hatchway, to whom he imparted his plan, went to the ale-house
one evening, and called for an empty room, knowing there was no
other but that which they had chosen for the scene of action. This
apartment was a sort of a parlour that fronted the kitchen, with
a window towards the yard, where after they had sat some time, the
lieutenant found means to amuse the landlord in discourse, while
Peregrine, stepping out into the yard, by the talent of mimickry,
which he possessed in a surprising degree, counterfeited a dialogue
between the curate and Tunley's wife. This reaching the ears of
the publican, for whose hearing it was calculated, inflamed his
naturally jealous disposition to such a degree, that he could not
conceal his emotion, but made a hundred efforts to quit the room;
while the lieutenant, smoking his pipe with great gravity, as
if he neither heard what passed nor took notice of the landlord's
disorder, detained him on the spot by a succession of questions,
which he could not refuse to answer, though he stood sweating with
agony all the time, stretching his neck every instant towards the
window through which the voices were conveyed, scratching his head,
and exhibiting sundry other symptoms of impatience and agitation.
At length the supposed conversation came to such a pitch of amorous
complaisance, that the husband, quite frantic with his imaginary
disgrace, rushed out of the door crying, "Coming, sir;" but as he
was obliged to make a circuit round one-half of the house, Peregrine
had got in by the window before Tunley arrived in the yard.

According to the feigned intelligence he had received, he ran
directly to the barn, in expectation of making some very extraordinary
discovery; and having employed some minutes in rummaging the straw
to no purpose, returned in a state of distraction to the kitchen,
just as his wife chanced to enter at the other door. The circumstance
of her appearance confirmed him in the opinion that the deed was
done. As the disease of being henpecked was epidemic in the parish,
he durst not express the least hint of his uneasiness to her, but
resolved to take vengeance on the libidinous priest, who he imagined
had corrupted the chastity of his spouse.

The two confederates, in order to be certified that their scheme
had taken effect, as well as to blow up the flame which they had
kindled, called for Tunley, in whose countenance they could easily
discern his confusion. Peregrine, desiring him to sit down and drink
a glass with them, began to interrogate him about his family, and,
among other things, asked him how long he had been married to that
handsome wife. This question, which was put with an arch significance
of look, alarmed the publican, who began to fear that Pickle had
overheard his dishonour; and this suspicion was not at all removed
when the lieutenant, with a sly regard, pronounced "Tunley warn't
you noosed by the curate?" "Yes, is was," replied the landlord,
with an eagerness and perplexity of tone, as if he thought the
lieutenant knew that thereby hang a tale: and Hatchway supported
the suspicion by "Nay, as for that matter, the curate may be a
very sufficient man in his way." This transition from his wife to
the curate convinced him that his shame was known to his guests;
and, in the transport of his indignation, he pronounced with great
emphasis, "A sufficient man! Odds heart! I believe they are all
wolves in sheep's clothing. I wish to God I could see the day, master,
when there shall not be a priest, an exciseman, or a custom-house
officer in the kingdom. As for that fellow of a curate, if I do
catch him--It don't signify talking--But, by the Lord!--Gentlemen,
my service to you."

The associates being satisfied, by these abrupt insinuations, that
they had so far succeeded in their aim, waited with impatience
two or three days in expectation of hearing that Tunley had fallen
upon some method of being revenged for this imaginary wrong; but
finding that either his invention was too shallow, or his inclination
too languid, to gratify their desire of his own accord, they
determined to bring the affair to such a crisis, that he should not
be able to withstand the opportunity of executing his vengeance.
With this view, they one evening hired a boy to run to Mr. Pickle's
house, and tell the curate that Mrs. Tunley being taken suddenly
ill, her husband desired he would come immediately and pray with
her. They had taken possession of a room in the house and Hatchway
engaging the landlord in conversation, Peregrine, in his return
from the yard, observed, as if by accident, that the parson was gone
into the kitchen, in order, as he supposed, to catechise Tunley's

The publican started at this intelligence, and, under pretence of
serving another company in the next room, went out to the barn,
where, arming himself with a flail, he repaired to a lane through
which the curate was under a necessity of passing in his way home.
There he lay in ambush with fell intent; and when the supposed
author of his shame arrived, greeted him in the dark with such a
salutation as forced him to stagger backward three paces at least.
If the second application had taken effect, in all probability
that spot would have been the boundary of the parson's mortal
peregrination; but luckily for him, his antagonist was not expert
in the management of his weapon, which, by a twist of the thong
that connected the legs, instead of pitching upon the head of the
astonished curate, descended in an oblique direction on his own pate,
with such a swing that the skull actually rang like an apothecary's
mortar, and ten thousand lights seemed to dance before his eyes.
The curate recollecting himself during the respite he obtained from
this accident, and believing his aggressor to be some thief who
lurked in that place for prey, resolved to make a running fight,
until he should arrive within cry of his habitation. With this
design he raised up his cudgel for the defence of his head, and,
betaking himself to his heels, began to roar for help with the lungs
of a Stentor. Tunley, throwing away the flail, which he durst no
longer trust with the execution of his revenge, pursued the fugitive
with all the speed he could exert; and the other, either unnerved
by fear or stumbling over a stone, was overtaken before he had run
a hundred paces. He no sooner felt the wind of the publican's fist
that whistled round his ears, than he fell flat upon the earth at
full length, and the cudgel flew from his unclasping hand; when
Tunley, springing like a tiger on his back, rained such a shower
of blows upon his carcase, that he imagined himself under the
discipline of ten pairs of fists at least; yet the imaginary cuckold,
not satisfied with annoying the priest in this manner, laid hold
of one of his ears with his teeth, and bit so unmercifully, that
the curate was found almost entranced with pain by two labourers,
at whose approach the assailant retreated unperceived.

The lieutenant had posted himself at the window, in order to see
the landlord at his first return: and no sooner perceived him enter
the yard, than he called him into the apartment, impatient to learn
the effects of their stratagem. Tunley obeyed the summons, and
appeared before his guests in all the violence of rage, disorder,
and fatigue: his nostrils were dilated more than one-half beyond
their natural capacity, his eyes rolled, his teeth chattered, he
snored in breathing as if he had been oppressed by the nightmare,
and streams of sweat flowed down each side of his forehead.

Peregrine, affecting to start at the approach of such an uncouth
figure, asked if he had been with a spirit; upon which he answered,
with great vehemence, "Spirit! No, no, master, I have had a roll and
tumble with the flesh. A dog. I'll teach him to come a caterwauling
about my doors." Guessing from this reply, that his aim was
accomplished, and curious to know the particulars of the rencounter,
"Well, then," said the youth, "I hope you have prevailed against
the flesh, Tunley."--"Yes, yes," answered the publican, "I have
cooled his capissens, as the saying is: I have played such a tune
about his ears, that I'll be bound he shan't long for music this
month. A goatish, man-faced rascal! Why, he's a perfect parish
bull, as I hope to live."

Hatchway, observing that he seemed to have made a stout battle,
desired he would sit down and recover wind; and after he had swallowed
a brace of bumpers, his vanity prompted him to expatiate upon his
own exploit in such a manner, that the confederates, without seeming
to know the curate was his antagonist, became acquainted with every
circumstance of the ambuscade.

Tunley had scarce got the better of his agitation, when his wife,
entering the room, told them, by way of news, that some waggish body
had sent Mr. Sackbut the curate to pray with her. This name inflamed
the husband's choler anew; and, forgetting all his complaisance
for his spouse, he replied with a rancorous grin, "Add rabbit him!
I doubt not but you found his admonitions deadly comfortable!"
The landlady, looking at her vassal with a sovereign aspect, "What
crotchets," said she, "have you got in your fool's head, I trow?
I know no business you have to sit here like a gentleman with your
arms akimbo, there's another company in the house to be served." The
submissive husband took the hint, and without further expostulation
sneaked out of the room.

Next day it was reported that Mr. Sackbut had been waylaid and
almost murdered by robbers, and an advertisement was pasted upon the
church-door, offering a reward to any person that should discover
the assassin; but he reaped no satisfaction from this expedient,
and was confined to his chamber a whole fortnight, by the bruises
he had received.


Mr. Sackbut and his Pupil conspire against Peregrine, who,
being apprised of their Design by his Sister, takes measures for
counterworking their Scheme, which is executed by mistake upon Mr.
Gauntlet--this young Soldier meets with a cordial reception from
the Commodore, who generously decoys him into his own interest.

When he considered the circumstances of the ambuscade, he could
not persuade himself that he had been assaulted by a common thief,
because it was not to be supposed that a robber would have amused
himself in pummeling rather than in rifling his prey; he therefore
ascribed his misfortune to the secret enmity of some person who had
a design upon his life; and, upon mature deliberation, fixed his
suspicion upon Peregrine, who was the only man on earth from whom
he thought he deserved such treatment. He communicated his conjecture
to his pupil, who readily adopted his opinion, and advised him
strenuously to revenge the wrong by a like contrivance, without
seeking to make a narrower inquiry, lest his enemy should be thereby
put upon his guard.

This proposal being relished, they in concert revolved the means
of retorting the ambush with interest, and actually laid such a
villainous plan for attacking our hero in the dark, that, had it
been executed according to their intention, the young gentleman's
scheme of travelling would have been effectually marred. But their
machinations were overheard by Miss Pickle, who was now in the
seventeenth year of her age, and, in spite of the prejudice of
education, entertained in secret a most sisterly affection for her
brother Perry, though she had never spoken to him, and was deterred
by the precepts, vigilance and menaces of her mother, from attempting
any means of meeting him in private. She was not, however, insensible
to his praise, which was loudly sounded forth in the neighbourhood;
and never failed of going to church, and every other place, where
she thought she might have an opportunity of seeing this amiable
brother. With these sentiments it cannot be supposed that she
would hear the conspiracy without emotion. She was shocked at the
treacherous barbarity of Gam, and shuddered at the prospect of the
danger to which Peregrine would be exposed from their malice. She
durst not communicate this plot to her mother, because she was
afraid that lady's unaccountable aversion for her first-born would
hinder her from interposing in his behalf, and consequently render
her a sort of accomplice in the guilt of his assassins. She therefore
resolved to warn Peregrine of the conspiracy, on account of which
she transmitted to him in an affectionate letter, by means of a
young gentleman in that neighbourhood, who made his addresses to
her at that time, and who, at her request, offered his service to
our hero, in defeating the projects of his adversaries.

Peregrine was startled when he read the particulars of their scheme,
which was no other than an intention to sally upon him when he
should be altogether unprovided against such an attack, cut off his
ears, and otherwise mutilate him in such a manner that he should
have no cause to be vain of his person for the future. Incensed as
he was against the brutal disposition of his own father's son, he
could not help being moved at the integrity and tenderness of his
sister, of whose inclinations towards him he had been hitherto kept
in ignorance. He thanked the gentleman for his honourable dealing,
and expressed a desire of being better acquainted with his
virtues; told him that now he was cautioned, he hoped there would
be no necessity for giving him any further trouble, and wrote by
him a letter of acknowledgment to his sister, for whom he expressed
the utmost love and regard, beseeching her to favour him with an
interview before his departure, that he might indulge his fraternal
fondness, and be blessed with the company and countenance of one at
least belonging to his own family. Having imparted this discovery
to his friend Hatchway, they came to a resolution of countermining
the plan of their enemies. As they did not choose to expose themselves
to the insinuations of slander, which would have exerted itself
at their expense, had they, even in defending themselves, employed
any harsh means of retaliation, they invented a method of disappointing
and disgracing their foes, and immediately set Pipes at work to
forward the preparations. Miss Pickle having described the spot which
the assassins had pitched upon for the scene of their vengeance,
our triumvirate intended to have placed a sentinel among the corn,
who should come and give them intelligence when the ambuscade was
laid; and, in consequence of that information, they would steal
softly towards the place, attended by three or four of the domestics,
and draw a large net over the conspirators, who, being entangled
in the toil, should be disarmed, fettered, heartily scourged, and
suspended between two trees in the snare, as a spectacle to all
passengers that should chance to travel that way.

The plan being thus digested, and the commodore acquainted with the
whole affair, the spy was sent upon duty, and everybody within-doors
prepared to go forth upon the first notice. One whole evening did
they spend in the most impatient expectation, but on the second
the scout crept into the garrison, and assured them that he had
perceived three men skulking behind the hedge, on the road that led
to the public-house from which Peregrine and the lieutenant used
every night to return about that hour. Upon this intelligence
the confederates set out immediately with all their implements.
Approaching the scene with as little noise as possible, they heard
the sound of blows; and, though the night was dark, perceived a
sort of tumultuous conflict on the very spot which the conspirators
had possessed. Surprised at this occurrence, the meaning of which he
could not comprehend, Peregrine ordered his myrmidons to halt and
reconnoitre; and immediately his ears were saluted with an exclamation
of "You shan't 'scape me, rascal." The voice being quite familiar
to him, he at once divined the cause of that confusion which they
had observed; and running up to the assistance of the exclaimer,
found a fellow on his knees begging his life of Mr.  Gauntlet, who
stood over him with a naked hanger in his hand.

Pickle instantly made himself known to his friend, who told him,
that having left his horse at Tunley's, he was, in his way to
the garrison, set upon by three ruffians, one of whom being the
very individual person now in his power, had come behind him, and
struck with a bludgeon at his head, which, however, he missed, and
the instrument descended on his left shoulder; that, upon drawing
his hanger, and laying about him in the dark, the other two fled,
leaving their companion, whom he had disabled, in the lurch.

Peregrine congratulated him on his safety, and having ordered Pipes
to secure the prisoner, conducted Mr. Gauntlet to the garrison, where
he met with a very hearty reception from the commodore, to whom he
was introduced as his nephew's intimate friend; not but that, in
all likelihood, he would have abated somewhat of his hospitality
had he known that he was the brother of Perry's mistress; but her
name the old gentleman had never thought of asking, when he inquired
into the particulars of his godson's amour.

The captive being examined, in presence of Trunnion and all his
adherents, touching the ambuscade, owned that being in the service
of Gam Pickle, he had been prevailed upon, by the solicitations of
his master and the Curate, to accompany them in their expedition,
and undertake the part which he had acted against the stranger,
whom he and his employers mistook for Peregrine. In consideration
of this frank acknowledgment, and a severe wound he had received
in his right arm, they resolved to inflict no other punishment on
this malefactor than to detain him all night in the garrison, and
next morning carry him before a justice of the peace, to whom he
repeated all he had said overnight, and with his own hand subscribed
his confession, copies of which were handed about the neighbourhood,
to the unspeakable confusion and disgrace of the curate and his
promising pupil.

Meanwhile Trunnion treated the young soldier with uncommon marks
of respect, being prepossessed in his favour by this adventure,
which he had so gallantly achieved, as well as by the encomiums
that Peregrine bestowed upon his valour and generosity. He liked
his countenance, which was bold and hardy, admired his Herculean
limbs, and delighted in asking questions concerning the service he
had seen. The day after his arrival, while the conversation turned
on this last subject, the commodore, taking the pipe out of his
month, "I'll tell ye what, brother," said he; "five-and-forty years
ago, when I was third lieutenant of the Warwick man-of-war, there
was a very stout young fellow on board, a subaltern officer of
marines; his name was not unlike your own, d'ye see, being Guntlet,
with a G.  I remember he and I could not abide one another at
first, because, d'ye see, I was a sailor and he a landsman; till
we fell in with a Frenchman, whom we engaged for eight glasses, and
at length boarded and took. I was the first man that stood on the
enemy's deck, and should have come scurvily off, d'ye see, if Guntlet
had not jumped to my assistance; but we soon cleared ship, and
drove them to close quarters, so that they were obliged to strike;
and from that day Guntlet and I were sworn brothers as long as he
remained on board.  He was exchanged into a marching regiment, and
what became of him afterwards, Lord in heaven knows; but this I'll
say of him, whether he be dead or alive, he feared no man that ever
wore a head, and was, moreover, a very hearty messmate."

The stranger's breast glowed at this eulogium, which was no sooner
pronounced than he eagerly asked if the French ship was not the
Diligence? The commodore replied, with a stare, "The very same, my
lad."--"Then," said Gauntlet, "the person of whom you are pleased
to make such honourable mention was my own father."--"The devil he
was!" cried Trunnion, shaking him by the hand: "I am rejoiced to
see a son of Ned Guntlet in my house."

This discovery introduced a thousand questions, in the course
of which the old gentleman learned the situation of his friend's
family, and discharged innumerable execrations upon the ingratitude
and injustice of the ministry, which had failed to provide for
the son of such a brave soldier. Nor was his friendship confined
to such ineffectual expressions; he that same evening signified
to Peregrine a desire of doing something for his friend. This
inclination was so much praised, encouraged, and promoted by his
godson, and even supported by his councilor Hatchway, that our
hero was empowered to present him with a sum of money sufficient
to purchase a commission.

Though nothing could be more agreeable to Pickle than this permission,
he was afraid that Godfrey's scrupulous disposition would hinder
him from subjecting himself to any such obligation; and therefore
proposed that he should be decoyed into his own interest by a
feigned story, in consequence of which he would be prevailed upon
to accept of the money, as a debt which the commodore had contracted
of his father at sea. Trunnion made wry faces at this expedient,
the necessity of which he could not conceive, without calling in
question the common sense of Gauntlet; as he took it for granted that
such offers as those were not to be rejected on any consideration
whatever. Besides, he could not digest an artifice, by which he
himself must own that he had lived so many years without manifesting
the least intention of doing justice to his creditor.  All these
objections, however, were removed by the zeal and rhetoric of
Peregrine, who represented that it would be impossible to befriend
him on any other terms; that his silence hitherto would be imputed
to his want of information touching the circumstances and condition of
his friend; and that his remembering and insisting upon discharging
the obligation, after such an interval of time, when the whole
affair was in oblivion, would be the greatest compliment he could
pay to his own honour and integrity.

Thus persuaded, he took an opportunity of Gauntlet's being alone
with him to broach the affair, telling the young man that his father
had advanced a sum of money for him, when they sailed together, on
account of the mess, as well as to stop the mouth of a clamorous
creditor at Portsmouth; and that the said sum, with interest,
amounted to about four hundred pounds, which he would now, with
great thankfulness, repay.

Godfrey was amazed at this declaration, and, after a considerable
pause, replied, that he had never heard his parents mention any
such debt; that no memorandum or voucher of it was found among his
father's papers; and that, in all probability, it must have been
discharged long ago, although the commodore, in such a long course
of time and hurry of occupation, might have forgotten the repayment:
he therefore desired to be excused from accepting what in his own
conscience he believed was not his due; and complemented the old
gentleman upon his being so scrupulously just and honourable.

The soldier's refusal, which was matter of astonishment to Trunnion,
increased his inclination to assist him; and, on pretence of
acquitting his own character, he urged his beneficence with such
obstinacy, that Gauntlet, afraid of disobliging him, was in a manner
compelled to receive a draft for the money; for which he subscribed
an ample discharge, and immediately transmitted the order to his
mother, whom at the same time he informed of the circumstances by
which they had so unexpectedly gained this accession of fortune.

Such a piece of news could not fail of being agreeable to Mrs.
Gauntlet, who by the first post wrote a polite letter of acknowledgment
to the commodore; another to her own son, importing that she had
already sent the draft to a friend in London, with directions to
deposit it in the hands of a certain banker, for the purchase of
the first ensigncy to be sold; and she took the liberty of sending
a third to Peregrine, couched in very affectionate terms, with a
kind postscript, signed by Miss Sophy and his charming Emily.

This affair being transacted to the satisfaction of all concerned,
preparations were set on foot for the departure of our hero, on
whom his uncle settled an annuity of eight hundred pounds, being
little less than one half of his whole income. By this time, indeed,
the old gentleman could easily afford to alienate such a part of
his fortune, because he entertained little or no company, kept few
servants, and was remarkably plain and frugal in his housekeeping.
Mrs. Trunnion being now some years on the wrong side of fifty, her
infirmities began to increase; and though her pride had suffered
no diminution, her vanity was altogether subdued by her avarice.

A Swiss valet-de-chambre, who had already made the tour of Europe,
was hired for the care of Peregrine's own person. Pipes being ignorant
of the French language, as well as otherwise unfit for the office
of a fashionable attendant, it was resolved that he should remain
in garrison; and his place was immediately supplied by a Parisian
lacquey engaged at London for that purpose. Pipes did not seem to
relish this disposition of things; and though he made no verbal
objections to it, looked remarkably sour at his successor upon his
first arrival; but this sullen fit seemed gradually to wear off;
and long before his master's departure, he had recovered his natural
tranquility and unconcern.


The two young Gentlemen display their talents for Gallantry, in
the course of which they are involved in a ludicrous circumstance
of Distress, and afterwards take Vengeance on the Author of their

Meanwhile our hero and his new friend, together with honest Jack
Hatchway, made daily excursions into the country, visited the
gentlemen in the neighbourhood, and frequently accompanied them
to the chase; all three being exceedingly caressed on account of
their talents, which could accommodate themselves with great facility
to the tempers and turns of their entertainers. The lieutenant was
a droll in his way, Peregrine possessed a great fund of sprightliness
and good-humour, and Godfrey, among his other qualifications already
recited, sang a most excellent song; so that the company of this
triumvirate was courted in all parties, whether male or female:
and if the hearts of our young gentlemen had not been pre-engaged,
they would have met with opportunities in abundance of displaying
their address in the art of love: not but that they gave loose
to their gallantry without much interesting their affections, and
amused themselves with little intrigues, which, in the opinion of
a man of pleasure, do not affect his fidelity to the acknowledged
sovereign of his soul.

In the midst of these amusements, our hero received an intimation
from his sister, that she should be overjoyed to meet him next
day, at five o'clock in the afternoon, at the house of her nurse,
who lived in a cottage hard by her father's habitation, she being
debarred from all opportunity of seeing him in any other place
by the severity of her mother, who suspected her inclination.
He accordingly obeyed the summons, and went at the time appointed
to the place of rendezvous, where be met this affectionate young
lady, who when he entered the room, ran towards him with all the
eagerness of transport, flung her arms about his neck, and shed a
flood of tears in his bosom before she could utter one word, except
a repetition of My dear, dear brother! He embraced her with all the
piety of fraternal tenderness, wept over her in his turn, assured
her that this was one of the happiest moments of his life, and
kindly thanked her for having resisted the example, and disobeyed.
the injunctions, of his mother's unnatural aversion.

He was ravished to find, by her conversation, that she possessed a
great share of sensibility and prudent reflection; for she lamented
the infatuation of her parents with the most filial regret, and
expressed such abhorrence and concern at the villainous disposition
of her younger brother as a humane sister may be supposed to have
entertained. He made her acquainted with all the circumstances
of his own fortune; and, as he supposed she spent her time very
disagreeably at home, among characters which must be shockingly
interesting, professed a desire of removing her into some other
sphere, where she could live with more tranquility and satisfaction.

She objected to this proposal as an expedient that would infallibly
subject her to the implacable resentment of her mother, whose favour
and affection she at present enjoyed but in a very inconsiderable
degree; and they had canvassed divers schemes of corresponding
for the future, when the voice of Mrs. Pickle was heard at the
door.  Miss Julia (that was the young lady's name), finding herself
betrayed, was seized with a violent agitation of fear; and Peregrine
scarce had time to encourage her with a promise of protection, before
the door of the apartment being flung open, this irreconcilable
parent rushed in, and, with a furious aspect, flew directly at her
trembling daughter, when, the son interposing, received the first
discharge of her fury.

Her eyes gleamed with all the rage of indignation, which choked up
her utterance, and seemed to convulse her whole frame: she twisted
her left hand in his hair, and with the other buffeted him about
the face till the blood gushed from his nostrils and mouth; while
he defended his sister from the cruelty of Gam, who assaulted her
from another quarter, seeing his brother engaged. This attack lasted
several minutes with great violence, till at length Peregrine,
finding himself in danger of being overpowered if he should remain
any longer on the defensive, laid his brother on his back; then
he disentangled his mother's hand from his own hair, and, having
pushed her gently out of the room, bolted the door on the inside;
finally, turning to Gam, he threw him out at the window, among
a parcel of hogs that fed under it. By this time Julia was almost
quite distracted with terror: she knew she bad offended beyond all
hope of forgiveness, and from that moment considered herself as an
exile from her father's house: in vain did her brother strive to
console her with fresh protestations of love and protection; she
counted herself extremely miserable in being obliged to endure the
eternal resentment of a parent with whom she had hitherto lived;
and dreaded the censure of the world, which, from her mother's
misrepresentation, she was sensible would condemn her unheard. That
she might not, however, neglect any means in her power of averting
this storm, she resolved to appease, if possible, her mother's wrath
with humiliation, and even appeal to the influence of her father,
weak as it was, before she would despair of being forgiven. But
the good lady spared her this unnecessary application, by telling
her, through the keyhole, that she must never expect to come within
her father's door again; for, from that hour, she renounced her
as unworthy of her affection and regard. Julia, weeping bitterly,
endeavoured to soften the rigour of this sentence by the most
submissive and reasonable remonstrances; but as, in her vindication,
she of necessity espoused her elder brother's cause, her endeavours,
instead of soothing, served only to exasperate her mother to a
higher pitch of indignation, which discharged itself in invectives
against Peregrine, whom she reviled with the epithets of a worthless,
abandoned reprobate.

The youth, hearing these unjust aspersions, trembled with resentment
through every limb, assuring the upbraider that he considered her
as an object of compassion; "for without all doubt," said he, "your
diabolical rancour must be severely punished by the thorns of your
own conscience, which this very instant taxes you with the malice
and falsehood of your reproaches. As for my sister, I bless God that
you have not been able to infect her with your unnatural prejudice,
which, because she is too just, too virtuous, too humane to imbibe,
you reject her as an alien to your blood, and turn her out unprovided
into a barbarous world. But even there your vicious purpose shall be
defeated: that same Providence, that screened me from the cruelty
of your hate, shall extend its protection to her, until I shall
find it convenient to assert by law that right of maintenance which
Nature, it seems, hath bestowed upon us in vain.  In the mean time,
you will enjoy the satisfaction of paying an undivided attention
to that darling son, whose amiable qualities have so long engaged
and engrossed your love and esteem."

This freedom of expostulation exalted his mother's ire to mere
frenzy: she cursed him with the bitterest imprecations, and raved
like a bedlamite at the door, which she attempted to burst open.
Her efforts were seconded by her favourite son, who denounced
vengeance against Peregrine, and made furious assaults against the
lock, which resisted all their applications, until our hero espying
his friends Gauntlet and Pipes stepping over a stile that stood
about a furlong from the window, called them to his assistance:
giving them to understand how he was besieged, he desired they
would keep off his mother, that he might the more easily secure
his sister Julia's retreat. The young soldier entered accordingly,
and, posting, himself between Mrs. Pickle and the door, gave
the signal to his friend, who, lifting up his sister in his arms,
carried her safe without the clutches of this she-dragon, while
Pipes, with his cudgel, kept young master at bay.

The mother, being thus deprived of her prey, sprang upon Gauntlet
like a lioness robbed of her whelps; and he must have suffered
sorely in the flesh, had he not prevented her mischievous intent
by seizing both her wrists, and so keeping her at due distance. In
attempting to disengage herself from his grasp, she struggled with
such exertion, and suffered such agony of passion at the same time,
that she actually fell into a severe fit, during which she was put
to bed, and the confederates retired without further molestation.

In the mean time, Peregrine was not a little perplexed about the
disposal of his sister, whom he had rescued. He could not endure the
thoughts of saddling the commodore with a new expense; and he was
afraid of undertaking the charge of Julia, without his benefactor's
advice and direction: for the present, however, he carried her
to the house of a gentleman in the neighbourhood, whose lady was
her godmother, where she was received with great tenderness and
condolence; and he purposed to inquire for some creditable house,
where she might be genteelly boarded in his absence; resolving
to maintain her from the savings of his own allowance, which he
thought might very well bear such reduction. But this intention was
frustrated by the publication of the whole affair, which was divulged
next day, and soon reached the ears of Trunnion, who chid his godson
for having concealed the adventure; and, with the approbation of
his wife, ordered him to bring Julia forthwith to the garrison.
The young gentleman, with tears of gratitude in his eyes, explained
his design of maintaining her at his own expense, and earnestly
begged that he might not be deprived of that satisfaction.  But his
uncle was deaf to all his entreaties, and insisted upon her living
in the garrison, though for no other reason than that of being company
to her aunt, who, he observed, was lost for want of conversation.

Julia was accordingly brought home, and settled under the tuition
of Mrs. Trunnion, who, whatever face she might put on the matter,
could have dispensed with the society of her niece, though she was
not without hope of gratifying her pique to Mrs. Pickle, by the
intelligence she would receive from the daughter of that lady's
economy and domestic behaviour. The mother herself seemed conscious
of this advantage which her sister-in-law had now gained over her,
being as much chagrined at the news of Julia's reception in the
garrison, as if she had heard of her own husband's death. She even
tortured her invention to propagate calumnies against the reputation
of her own daughter, whom she slandered in all companies; she
exclaimed against the commodore as an old ruffian, who spirited up
rebellion among her children, and imputed the hospitality of his
wife, in countenancing them, to nothing else but her inveterate
enmity to their mother, whom they had disobliged. She now insisted,
in the most peremptory terms, upon her husband's renouncing all
commerce with the old lad of the castle and his adherents; and Mr.
Gamaliel, having by this time contracted other friendships, readily
submitted to her will; nay, even refused to communicate with the
commodore one night, when they happened to meet by accident at the


The Commodore sends a Challenge to Gamaliel, and is imposed upon
by a waggish invention of the Lieutenant, Peregrine, and Gauntlet.

This affront Trunnion could by no means digest: he advised with the
lieutenant upon the subject; and the result of their consultation
was a defiance which the old commander sent to Pickle, demanding
that he would meet him at such a place on horseback with a brace
of pistols, and give satisfaction for the slight he had put upon
him.  Nothing could have afforded more pleasure to Jack than the
acceptance of this challenge, which he delivered verbally to Mr.
Gamaliel, who was called out from the club at Tunley's for that
purpose. The nature of this message had an instantaneous effect
upon the constitution of the pacific Pickle, whose bowels yearned
with apprehension, and underwent such violent agitation on the
spot, that one would have thought the operation proceeded from some
severe joke of the apothecary which he had swallowed in his beer.

The messenger, despairing of a satisfactory answer, left him
in this woeful condition; and being loath to lose any opportunity
of raising the laugh against the commodore, went immediately and
communicated the whole affair to the young gentlemen, entreating
them, for the love of God, to concert some means of bringing old
Hannibal into the field. The two friends relished the proposal;
and after some deliberation, it was resolved that Hatchway should
tell Trunnion his invitation was accepted by Gamaliel, who would
meet him at the place appointed, with his second, to-morrow in the
twilight, because, if either should fall, the other would have the
chance of escaping in the dark; that Godfrey should personate old
Pickle's friend, and Peregrine represent his own father; while the
lieutenant should take care in loading the pistols to keep out the
shot, so that no damage might be done in the rencounter.

These circumstances being adjusted, the lieutenant returned to his
principal with a most thundering reply from his antagonist, whose
courageous behaviour, though it could not intimidate, did not fail
to astonish the commodore, who ascribed it to the spirit of his
wife, which had inspired him. Trunnion that instant desired his
counsellor to prepare his cartridge-box, and order the quietest
horse in the stable to be kept ready saddled for the occasion; his
eye seemed to lighten with alacrity and pleasure at the prospect
of smelling gunpowder once more before his death; and when Jack
advised him to make his will, in case of accident, he rejected his
counsel with disdain, saying, "What! dost thou think that Hawser
Trunnion, who has stood the fire of so many floating batteries,
runs any risk from the lousy pops of a landman? Thou shalt see,
thou shalt see, how I'll make him lower his topsails."

Next day Peregrine and the soldier provided themselves with horses
at the public-house, from whence, at the destined hour, they rode
to the field of battle, each of them being muffed in a great coat,
which, with the dimness of the light, effectually shielded them from
the knowledge of the one-eyed commander, who, having taken horse,
on pretence of enjoying the fresh air, soon appeared with Hatchway
in his rear. When they came within sight of each other, the seconds
advanced, in order to divide the ground, and regulate the measures
of the combat; when it was determined by mutual consent, that two
pistols should be discharged on each side, and that if neither
should prove decisive, recourse must be had to the broad-swords,
in order to ascertain the victory. These articles being settled,
the opponents rode forward to their respective stations, when
Peregrine, cocking his pistol, and presenting, counterfeited his
father's voice, bidding Trunnion take care of his remaining eye.

The commodore took his advice, being unwilling to hazard his
daylight, and very deliberately opposed the patched side of his
face to the muzzle of his antagonist's piece, desiring him to do
his duty without farther jaw. The young man accordingly fired; and
the distance being small, the wad of his pistol took place with a
smart stroke on the forehead of Trunnion. Mistaking it for a ball,
which he thought lodged in his brain, spurred up his steed in a
state of desperation towards his antagonist, and holding his piece
within two yards of his body, let it off, without any regard to
the laws of battle. Surprised and enraged to see it had made no
impression, he halloed, in a terrible tone, "O! d-ye, you have your
netting stuffed, I see;" and advancing, he discharged his second
pistol so near his godson's head, that had he not been defended
by his great coat, the powder must have scorched his face. Having
thus thrown away his fire, he remained at the mercy of Peregrine,
who clapping the piece he had in reserve to his head, commanded him
to beg his life, and ask pardon for his presumption. The commodore
made no reply to this imperious injunction; but, dropping his pistol,
and unsheathing his broad-sword in an instant, attacked our hero
with such incredible agility, that if he had not made shift to ward
off the stroke with his piece, the adventure, in all likelihood,
would have turned out a very tragical joke.

Peregrine finding it would be in vain for him to think of drawing
his weapon, or of standing on the defensive against this furious
aggressor, very fairly clapped spurs to his nag, and sought his
safety in flight. Trunnion pursued him with infinite eagerness;
and his steed being the better of the two, would have overtaken the
fugitive to his peril, had he not been unfortunately encountered
by the boughs of a tree, that happened to stand on his blind side,
and incommoded him so much, that he was fain to quit his sword, and
lay hold on the mane in order to maintain his seat. Perry perceiving
his disaster, wheeled about, and now finding leisure to produce his
weapon, returned upon his disarmed foe, brandishing his Ferrara,
threatening to make him shorter by the head if he would not
immediately crave quarter and yield. There was nothing farther from
the intention of the old gentleman than such submission, which he
flatly refused to pay, alleging that he had already compelled his
enemy to clap on all sails, and that his own present misfortune was
owing to accident; all one as if a ship should be attacked, after
she had been obliged to heave her guns overboard in a storm.

Before Peregrine had time to answer this remonstrance, the lieutenant
interposed, and taking cognizance of the case, established a truce,
until he and the other second should discuss and decide upon the
merits of the case. They accordingly retired to a small distance;
and after having conferred a few minutes, Hatchway returned and
pronounced the commodore vanquished by the chance of war.

Never was rage more than that which took possession of old Hannibal,
when he heard the sentence: it was some time before he could utter
aught, except the reproachful expression, "You lie!" which he repeated
more than twenty times, in a sort of delirious insensibility. When
he recovered the further use of speech, he abused the arbitrators
with such bitter invectives, renouncing their sentence, and appealing
to another trial, that the confederates began to repent of having
carried the joke so far; and Peregrine, in order to appease his
choler, owned himself overcome.

This acknowledgment calmed the tumult of his wrath, though he could
not for some days forgive the lieutenant; and the two young gentlemen
rode back to Tunley's, while Hatchway, taking the commodore's
horse by the bridle, reconducted him to his mansion, growling all
the way to Jack for his unjust and unfriendly decree; though he
could not help observing, as how he had made his words good, in
making his adversary to strike his top-sails: "And yet," said he,
"before God! I think the fellow's head is made of a wood-pack: for
my shot rebounded from his face like a wad of spun-yarn from the
walls of a ship. But if so be that son of a b-- of a tree hadn't
come athwart my weather-bow, d'ye see, I'll be d--d if I hadn't
snapt his main-yard in the slings, and mayhap let out his bulge-water
into the bargain." He seemed particularly vain of this exploit,
which dwelt upon his imagination, and was cherished as the child
of his old age; for though he could not with decency rehearse it
to the young men and his wife at supper, he gave hints of his own
manhood, even at these years, and attested Hatchway as a voucher
for his mettle; while the triumvirate, diverted by his vanity,
enjoyed in secret the success of their imposition.


Peregrine takes leave of his Aunt and Sister--Sets out from the
Garrison-Parts with his Uncle and Hatchway on the Road, and with
his Governor arrives in safety at Dover.

This, however, was the last effort of invention which they practised
upon him; and everything being now prepared for the departure of
his godson, that hopeful youth in two days took leave of all his
friends in the neighbourhood. He was closeted two whole hours with
his aunt, who enriched him with many pious advices, recapitulated
all the benefits which, through her means, had been conferred upon
him since his infancy, cautioned him against the temptations of
lewd women, who bring many a man to a morsel of bread, laid strict
injunctions upon him to live in the fear of the Lord and the true
Protestant faith, to eschew quarrels and contention, to treat Mr.
Jolter with reverence and regard, and above all things to abstain
from the beastly sin of drunkenness, which exposes a man to the
scorn and contempt of his fellow-creatures, and, by divesting him
of reason and reflection, renders him fit for all manner of vice
and debauchery. She recommended to him economy, and the care of his
health, bade him remember the honour of his family, and in all the
circumstances of his behaviour, assured him that he might always
depend upon the friendship and generosity of the commodore. Finally,
presenting him with her own picture set in gold, and a hundred
guineas from her privy purse, she embraced him affectionately, and
wished him all manner of happiness and prosperity.

Being thus kindly dismissed by Mrs. Trunnion, he locked himself
up with his sister Julia, whom he admonished to cultivate her aunt
with the most complaisant and respectful attention, without stooping
to any circumstance of submission that she should judge unworthy of
her practice: he protested that his chief study should be to make
her amends for the privilege she had forfeited by her affection
for him; entreated her to enter into no engagement without his
knowledge and approbation; put into her hand the purse, which he
had received from his aunt, to defray her pocket expenses in his
absence; and parted from her, not without tears, after she had for
some minutes hung about his neck, kissing him, and weeping in the
most pathetic silence.

Having performed these duties of affection and consanguinity
over-night, he went to bed, and was, by his own direction. called
at four o'clock in the morning, when he found the post-chaise,
coach, and riding-horses ready at the gate, his friends Gauntlet
and Hatchway on foot, the commodore himself almost dressed, and
every servant in the garrison assembled in he yard to wish him a
good journey. Our hero shook each of these humble friends by the
hand, tipping them at the same time with marks of his bounty; and
was very much surprised when he could not perceive his old attendant
Pipes among the number.  When he expressed his wonder at this
disrespectful omission of Tom, some of those present ran to his
chamber, in order to give him a call; but his hammock and room
were both deserted, and they soon returned with an account of his
having eloped. Peregrine was disturbed at this information, believing
that the fellow had taken some desperate course, in consequence of
his being dismissed from his service, and began to wish that he had
indulged his inclination, by retaining him still about his person.
However, as there was now no other remedy, he recommended him
strenuously to the particular favour and distinction of his uncle
and Hatchway, in case he should appear again; and as he went out
of the gate, was saluted with three cheers by all the domestics in
the family.

The commodore, Gauntlet, lieutenant, Peregrine, and Jolter went into
the coach together, that they might enjoy each other's conversation
as much as possible, resolving to breakfast at an inn upon the
road, where Trunnion and Hatchway intended to bid our adventurer
farewell; the Valet-de-chambre got into the post-chaise; the French
lacquey rode one horse, and led another; one of the valets of the
garrison mounted at the back of the coach; and thus the cavalcade
set out on the road to Dover.

As the commodore could not bear the fatigue of jolting, they
travelled at an easy pace during the fist stage; so that the old
gentleman had an opportunity of communicating his exhortations to
his godson, with regard to his conduct abroad: he advised him, now
that he was going into foreign parts, to be upon his guard against
the fair weather of the French politesse, which was no more to be
trusted than a whirlpool at sea. He observed that many young men
had gone to Paris with good cargoes of sense, and returned with a
great deal of canvas, and no ballast at all, whereby they became
crank all the days of their lives, and sometimes carried their
keels above water. He desired Mr. Jolter to keep his pupil out of
the clutches of those sharking priests who lie in wait to make converts
of all young strangers, and in a particular manner cautioned the
youth against carnal conversation with the Parisian dames, who, he
understood, were no better than gaudy fire-ships ready primed with
death and destruction.

Peregrine listened with great respect, thanking him for his kind
admonitions, which he faithfully promised to observe. The halted
and breakfasted at the end of the stage, where Jolter provided
himself with a horse, and the commodore settled the method of
corresponding with his nephew. The minute of parting being arrived,
the old commander wrung his godson by the hand, saying, "I wish
thee a prosperous voyage and good cheer, my lad: my timbers are
now a little crazy, d'ye see; and God knows if I shall keep afloat
till such time as I see thee again; but howsomever, hap what will,
thou wilt find thyself in a condition to keep in the line with
the rest of thy fellows." He then reminded Gauntlet of his promise
to call at the garrison in his return from Dover, and imparted
something in a whisper to the governor, while Jack Hatchway, unable
to speak, pulled his hat over his eyes, and, squeezing Peregrine by
the hand, gave him a pistol of curious workmanship, as a memorial
of his friendship. Our youth, who was not unmoved on this occasion,
received the pledge, which he acknowledged with the present of a
tobacco-box bought for this purpose; and the two lads of the castle
getting into the coach, were driven homewards, in a state of silent

Godfrey and Peregrine seated themselves in the post-chaise; and
Jolter, the valet-de-chambre, and lacquey, bestriding their beasts,
they proceeded for the place of their destination, at which they
arrived in safety that same night, and bespoke a passage in the
packet-boat which was to sail next day.


He adjusts the Method of his Correspondence with Gauntlet; meets
by accident with an Italian Charlatan, and a certain Apothecary,
who proves to be a noted Character.

There the two friends adjusted the articles of a future correspondence;
and Peregrine, having written a letter to his mistress, wherein he
renewed his former vows of eternal fidelity, it was intrusted to
the care of her brother, while Mr. Jolter, at the desire of his
pupil, provided an elegant supper, and some excellent Burgundy,
that they might spend this eve of his departure with the greater

Things being thus disposed, and a servant employed in laying the
cloth, their ears were of a sudden invaded by a strange tumultuous
noise in the next room, occasioned by the overthrow of tables,
chairs, and glasses, with odd unintelligible exclamations in broken
French, and a jargon of threats in the Welsh dialect. Our young
gentlemen ran immediately into the apartment from whence this
clamour seemed to proceed, and found a thin, meagre, swarthy figure,
gasping, in all the agony of fear, under the hands of a squat, thick,
hard-featured man, who collared him with great demonstrations of
wrath, saying, "If you was as mighty a magician as Owen Glendower
or the witch of Entor, look you, ay, ay, or as Paul Beor himself,
I will meke pold, by the assistance of Got, and in his majesty's
name, to seize and secure, and confine and confront you, until such
time as you suffer and endure and undergo the pains and penalties
of the law, for your diabolical practices. Shentlements," added he,
turning to our adventurers, "I take you to witness, that I protest,
and assert, and avow, that this person is as pig a necromancer
as you would desire to behold; and I supplicate, and beseech, and
entreat of you, that he may be prought pefore his petters, and
compelled to give an account of his compact and commerce with the
imps of darkness, look you; for, as I am a Christian soul, and
hope for joyful resurrection, I have this plessed evening seen
him perform such things as could not be done without the aid and
instruction and connivance of the tevil."

Gauntlet seemed to enter into the sentiments of this Welsh reformer,
and actually laid hold on the delinquent's shoulder, crying, "D--n
the rascal! I'll lay any wager that he's a Jesuit; for none of his
order travel without a familiar." But Peregrine, who looked upon
the affair in another point of view, interposed in behalf of the
stranger, whom he freed from his aggressors, observing, that there
was no occasion to use violence; and asked, in French, what he
had done to incur the censure of the informer. The poor foreigner,
more dead than alive, answered that he was an Italian charlatan,
who had practised with some reputation in Padua, until he had the
misfortune to attract the notice of the Inquisition, by exhibiting
certain wonderful performances by his skill in natural knowledge,
which that tribunal considered as the effects of sorcery, and
persecuted him accordingly; so that he had been fain to make a
precipitate retreat into France, where not finding his account in
his talents, he was now arrived in England, with a view of practising
his art in London; and that, in consequence of a specimen which he
had given to a company below, the choleric gentleman had followed
him up-stairs to his own apartment, and assaulted him in that
inhospitable manner: he therefore earnestly begged that our hero
would take him under his protection; and, if he entertained the least
suspicion of his employing preternatural means in the operations
of his art, he would freely communicate all the secrets in his

The youth dispelled his apprehension by assuring him that he was
in no danger of suffering for his art in England, where, if ever
he should he questioned by the zeal of superstitious individuals,
he had nothing to do but appeal to the justice of the peace, who
would immediately acquit him of the charge, and punish his accusers
for their impertinence and indiscretion.

He then told Gauntlet and the Welshman that the stranger had
a good action against them for an assault, by virtue of an Act of
Parliament, which makes it criminal for any person to accuse another
of sorcery and witchcraft, these idle notions being now justly
exploded by all sensible men. Mr. Jolter, who had by this time
joined the company, could not help signifying his dissent from
this opinion of his pupil, which he endeavoured to invalidate by
the authority of Scripture, quotations from the Fathers, and the
confession of many wretches who suffered death for having carried
on correspondence with evil spirits together with the evidence of
"Satan's Invisible World," and Moreton's "History of Witchcraft."

The soldier corroborated these testimonies by facts that had
happened within the sphere of his own knowledge, and in particular
mentioned the case of an old woman of the parish in which he
was born, who used to transform herself into the shapes of sundry
animals, and was at last killed by small shot in the character of
a hare. The Welshman, thus supported, expressed his surprise at
hearing that the legislature had shown such tenderness for criminals
of so dark a hue, and offered to prove, by undeniable instances,
that there was not a mountain in Wales which had not been, in his
memory, the scene of necromancy and witchcraft. "Wherefore," said
he, "I am assuredly more than above astonished and confounded and
concerned that the Parliament of Great Britain should, in their
great wisdoms, and their prudence, and their penetration, give
countenance and encouragement, look you, to the works of darkness
and the empire of Pelzepup--ofer and apove the evidence of holy
writ, and those writers who have been quoted by that aggurate and
learned shentleman, we are informed, by profane history, of the
pribbles and pranks of the old serpent, in the bortents and oragles
of antiquity, as you will find in that most excellent historian
Bolypius, and Titus Lifius; ay, and moreofer, in the Commentaries
of Julius Caesar himself, who, as the ole world knows, was a most
famous, and a most faliant, and a most wise, and a most prudent,
and a most fortunate chieftain, and a most renowned orator; ay,
and a most elegant writer to boot."

Peregrine did not think proper to enter the lists of dispute
with three such obstinate antagonists, but contented himself with
saying that he believed it would be no difficult matter to impugn
the arguments they had advanced; though he did not find himself at
all disposed to undertake the task, which must of course break in
upon the evening's entertainment. He therefore invited the Italian
to supper, and asked the same favour of his accuser, who seemed
to have something curious and characteristic in his manner and
disposition, resolving to make himself an eye-witness of those
surprising feats which had given offence to the choleric Briton.
This scrupulous gentleman thanked our hero for his courtesy, but
declined communicating with the stranger until his character should
be further explained; upon which his inviter, after some conversation
with the charlatan, assured him that he would himself undertake for
the innocence of his art; and then he was prevailed upon to favour
them with his company.

In the course of the conversation, Peregrine learned that the
Welshman was a surgeon of Canterbury, who had been called in to a
consultation at Dover; and, understanding that his name was Morgan,
took the liberty of asking if he was not the person so respectfully
mentioned in the "Adventures of Roderick Random." Mr. Morgan
assumed a look of gravity and importance at this interrogation,
and, screwing up his mouth, answered, "Mr. Rantum, my good sir, I
believe, upon my conscience and salfation, is my very goot frient
and well-wisher; and he and I have been companions and messmates
and fellow-sufferers, look you; but nevertheless, for all that,
peradventure he hath not pehaved with so much complaisance and
affability and respect as I might have expected from him; pecause
he hath revealed and tivulged and buplished our private affairs,
without my knowledge and privity and consent; but as Got is my
Safiour, I think he had no evil intention in his pelly; and though
there be certain persons, look you, who, as I am told, take upon
them to laugh at his descriptions of my person, deportment, and
conversation, I do affirm and maintain, and insist with my heart,
and my plood, and my soul, that those persons are no petter than
ignorant asses, and that they know not how to discern and distinguish
and define true ridicule, or, as Aristotle calls it, the to Geloion,
no more, look you, than a herd of mountain goats; for I will make
pold to observe--and I hope this goot company will be of the same
opinion--that there is nothing said of me in that performance which
is unworthy of a Christian and a shentleman."

Our young gentleman and his friends acquiesced in the justness
of his observation. Peregrine particularly assured him that, from
reading the book, he had conceived the utmost regard and veneration
for his character, and that he thought himself extremely fortunate
in having this opportunity of enjoying his conversation. Morgan,
not a little proud of such advances from a person of Peregrine's
appearance, returned the compliment with a profusion of civility,
and, in the warmth of acknowledgment, expressed a desire of seeing
him and his company at his house in Canterbury. "I will not pretend,
or presume, kind sir," said he, "to entertain you according to your
merits and deserts; but you shall be as welcome to my poor cottage,
and my wife and family, as the prince of Wales himself; and it
shall go hard if, one way or other, I do not find ways and means
of making you confess that there is some goot fellowship in an
ancient Priton; for though I am no petter than a simple apothecary,
I have as goot plood circulating in my veins as any he in the county;
and I can describe and delineate and demonstrate my pedigree to
the satisfaction of the 'ole 'orld; and, moreofer, by Got's goot
providence and assistance, I can afford to treat my friend with
joint of good mutton and a pottle of excellent wine, and no tradesman
can peard me with a bill."

He was congratulated on his happy situation, and assured that
our youth would visit him on his return from France, provided he
should take Canterbury in his route. As Peregrine manifested an
inclination of being acquainted with the state of his affairs, he
very complaisantly satisfied his curiosity by giving him to know
that his spouse had left off breeding, after having blessed him with
two boys and a girl, who were still alive and well; that he lived
in good esteem with his neighbors; and by his practice, which was
considerably extended immediately after the publication of Roderick
Random, had saved some thousand pounds. He had begun to think
of retiring among his own relations in Glamorganshire, though his
wife had made objection to this proposal, and opposed the execution
of it with such obstinacy, that he had been at infinite pains in
asserting his own prerogative by convincing her, both from reason
and example, that he was king, and priest in his own family, and
that she owed the most implicit submission to his will. He likewise
informed the company that he had lately seen his friend Roderick,
who had come from London on purpose to visit him, after having gained
his lawsuit with Mr. Topeball, who was obliged to pay Narcissa's
fortune; that Mr. Random, in all appearance, led a very happy life
in the conversation of his father and bed-fellow, by whom he enjoyed
a son and daughter; and that Morgan had received, in a present from
him, a piece of very fine linen of his wife's own making, several
kits of salmon, and two casks of pickled pork--the most delicate
he had ever tasted; together with a barrel of excellent herrings
for salmagundy, which he knew to be his favourite dish.

This topic of conversation being discussed, the Italian was desired
to exhibit a specimen of his art, and in a few minutes he conducted
the company into the next room, where, to their great astonishment
and affright, they beheld a thousand serpents winding along the
ceiling. Morgan, struck with this phenomenon, which he had not seen
before, began to utter exorcisms with great devotion, Mr. Jolter
ran of the room, Gauntlet drew his hanger, and Peregrine himself
was disconcerted. The operator, perceiving their confusion, desired
them to retire, and, calling them back in an instant, there was
not a viper to be seen. He raised their admiration by sundry other
performances and the Welshman's former opinion and abhorrence of
his character began to recur, when, in consideration of the civility
with which he had been treated, this Italian imparted to them all
the methods by which he had acted such wonders, that were no other
than the effects of natural causes curiously combined; so that Morgan
became a convert to his skill, asked pardon for the suspicion he
had entertained, and invited the stranger to pass a few days with
him at Canterbury. The scruples of Godfrey and Jolter were removed
at the same time, and Peregrine testified his satisfaction by a
handsome gratuity which he bestowed upon their entertainer.

The evening being spent in this sociable manner, every man retired
to his respective chamber, and next morning they breakfasted
together, when Morgan declared he would stay till he should see
our hero fairly embarked, that he might have the pleasure of Mr.
Gauntlet's company to his own habitation: meanwhile, by the skipper's
advice, the servants were ordered to carry a store of wine and
provision on board, in case of accident; and, as the packet-boat
could not sail before one o'clock, the company walked up hill to
visit the castle, where they saw the sword of Julius Caesar, and
Queen Elizabeth's pocket pistol; repeated Shakespeare's description,
while they surveyed the chalky cliffs on each side, and cast their
eyes towards the city of Calais, that was obscured by a thick cloud
which did not much regale their eye-sight, because it seemed to
portend foul weather.

Having viewed everything remarkable in this place, they returned
to the pier, where, after the compliments of parting, and an
affectionate embrace between the two young gentlemen, Peregrine
and his governor stepped aboard, the sails were hoisted, and they
went to sea with a fair wind, while Godfrey, Morgan, and the conjurer
walked back to the inn, from whence they set out for Canterbury
before dinner.


He embarks for France--Is overtaken by a Storm--Is surprised with
the Appearance of Pipes--Lands at Calais, and has an Affray with
the Officers at the Custom-house.

Scarce had the vessel proceeded two leagues on the passage, when,
the wind shifting, blew directly in her teeth; so that they were
obliged to haul upon a wind, and alter their course. The sea running
pretty high at the same time, our hero, who was below in his cabin,
began to be squeamish, and, in consequence of the skipper's advice,
went upon deck for the comfort of his stomach; while the governor,
experienced in these disasters, slipped into bed, where he
lay at his ease, amusing himself with a treatise on the cycloid,
with algebraical demonstrations, which never failed to engage his
imagination in the most agreeable manner.

In the mean time the wind increased to a very hard gale, the
vessel pitched with great violence, the sea washed over the deck,
the master was alarmed, the crew were confounded, the passengers
were overwhelmed with sickness and fear, and universal distraction
ensued. In the midst of this uproar, Peregrine holding fast by
the taffrail, and looking ruefully ahead, the countenance of Pipes
presented itself to his astonished view, rising, as it were, from
the hold of the ship. At first he imagined it was a fear-formed
shadow of his own brain; though he did not long remain in this
error, but plainly perceived that it was no other than the real
person of Thomas, who, jumping on the quarter-deck, took charge of
the helm, and dictated to the sailors with as much authority as if
he had been commander of the ship. The skipper looked upon him as
an angel sent to his assistance; and the crew soon discovered him
to be a thoroughbred seaman, notwithstanding his livery-frock;
obeyed his orders with such alacrity, that, in a little time, the
confusion vanished; and every necessary step was taken to weather
the gale.

Our young gentleman immediately conceived the meaning of Tom's
appearance on board; and when the tumult was a little subsided,
went up, and encouraged him to exert himself for the preservation
of the ship, promising to take him again into his service, from
which he should never be dismissed, except at his own desire. This
assurance had a surprising effect upon Pipes, who, though he made
no manner of reply, thrust the helm into the master's hands, saying,
"Here, you old bumboat-woman, take hold of the tiller, and keep
her thus, boy, thus;" and skipped about the vessel, trimming the
sails, and managing the ropes with such agility and skill, that
everybody on deck stood amazed at his dexterity.

Mr. Jolter was far from being unconcerned at the uncommon motion
of the vessel, the singing of the wind, and the uproar which he
heard about him: he looked towards the cabin-door with the most
fearful expectation, in hope of seeing some person who could give
some account of the weather, and what was doing upon deck; but not
a soul appeared, and he was too well acquainted with the disposition
of his own bowels to make the least alteration in his attitude.
When he bad lain a good while in all the agony of suspense, the
boy tumbled headlong into his apartment, with such noise, that he
believed the mast had gone by the board; and starting upright in
his bed, asked, with all the symptoms of horror, what was the cause
of that disturbance? The boy, half-stunned by his fall, answered
in a dolorous tone, "I'm come to put up the dead-lights." At the
mention of dead-lights, the meaning of which he did not understand,
the poor governor's heart died within him: he shivered with despair,
his recollection forsaking him, he fell upon his knees in the bed,
and, fixing his eyes upon the book which was in his hand, began
to pronounce aloud with great fervour, "The time of a complete
oscillation in the cycloid, is to the time in which a body would
fall through the axis of the cycloid DV, as the circumference of
a circle to its diameter."

He would in all likelihood have proceeded with the demonstration
of this proposition, had he not been seized with such a qualm
as compelled him to drop the book, and accommodate himself to the
emergency of his distemper: he therefore stretched himself at full
length, and, putting up ejaculations to Heaven, began to prepare
himself for his latter end, when all of a sudden the noise above
was intermitted; and as he could not conceive the cause of this
tremendous silence, he imagined that either the men were washed
overboard, or that, despairing of safety, they had ceased to oppose
the tempest. While he was harrowed by this miserable uncertainty,
which, however, was not altogether unenlightened by some scattered
rays of hope, the master entered the cabin: then he asked, with a
voice half-extinguished by fear, how matters went upon deck; and
the skipper, with a large bottle of brandy applied to his mouth,
answered, in a hollow tone, "All's over now, master." Upon which,
Mr. Jolter, giving himself over for lost, exclaimed, with the utmost
horror, "Lord have mercy upon us! Christ have mercy upon us;" and
repeated this supplication, as it were mechanically, until the master
undeceived him by explaining the meaning of what he had said, and
assuring him that the squall was over.

Such a sudden transition from fear to joy occasioned a violent
agitation both in his mind and body; and it was a full quarter of
an hour, before he recovered the right use of his organs, By this
time the weather cleared up, the wind began to blow again from the
right corner, and the spires of Calais appeared at the distance of
five leagues; so that the countenances of all on board were lighted
up with joyous expectation and Peregrine, venturing to go down into
the cabin, comforted his governor with an account of the happy turn
of their affairs.

Jolter, transported with the thought of a speedy landing, began to
launch out in praise of that country for which they were bound. he
observed, that France was the land of politeness and hospitality,
which were conspicuous in the behaviour of all ranks and degrees,
from the peer to the peasant; that a gentleman and a foreigner, far
from being insulted and imposed upon by the lower class of people,
as in England, was treated with the utmost reverence, candour, and
respect; and their fields were fertile, their climate pure healthy,
their farmers rich and industrious, the subjects in general the
happiest of men. He would have prosecuted this favourite theme
still farther, had not his pupil been obliged to run upon deck, in
consequence of certain warnings he received from his stomach.

The skipper seeing his condition, very honestly reminded him of the
cold ham and fowls, with a basket of wine which he had ordered to
be sent on board, and asked if he would have the cloth laid below.
He could not have chosen a more seasonable opportunity of manifesting
his own disinterestedness. Peregrine made wry faces at the mention
of food, bidding him, for Heaven's sake, talk no more on that
subject. He then descended into the cabin, and put the same question
to Mr. Jolter, who, he knew, entertained the same abhorrence for his
proposal; and meeting with the like reception from him, went between
decks, and repeated his courteous proffer to the valet-de-chambre
and lacquey, who lay sprawling in all the pangs of a double evacuation,
and rejected his civility with the most horrible loathing. Thus
baffled in all his kind endeavours, he ordered the boy to secure
the provision in one of his own lockers, according to the custom
of the ship.

It being low water when they arrived on the French coast, the
vessel could not enter the harbour, and they were obliged to bring
to, and wait for a boat, which in less than half-an-hour came
alongside from the shore. Mr. Jolter now came upon deck, and,
snuffing up the French air with symptoms of infinite satisfaction,
asked of the boatmen, with the friendly appellation of Mes enfants,
what they demanded for transporting him and his pupil with their
baggage to the pier. But how was he disconcerted, when those polite,
candid, reasonable watermen demanded a louis d'or for that service!
Peregrine, with a sarcastic sneer, observed, that he already began
to perceive the justice of his encomiums on the French; and the
disappointed governor could say nothing in his own vindication, but
that they were debauched by their intercourse with the inhabitants
of Dover. His pupil, however, was so much offended at their extortion,
that he absolutely refused to employ them, even when they abated
one half in their demand, and swore he would stay on board till the
packet should be able to enter the harbour, rather than encourage
such imposition.

The master, who in all probability had some sort of fellow-feeling
with the boatmen, in vain represented that he could not with safety
lie-to or anchor upon a lee-shore: our hero, having consulted Pipes,
answered, that he had hired his vessel to transport him to Calais,
and that he would oblige him to perform what he had undertaken.
The skipper, very much mortified at this peremptory reply, which
was not over and above agreeable to Mr. Jolter, dismissed the boat,
notwithstanding the solicitations and condescension of the watermen.
Running a little farther in shore, they came to an anchor, and waited
till there was water enough to float them over the bar. Then they
stood into the harbour; and our gentleman, with his attendants and
baggage, were landed on the pier by the sailors, whom he liberally
rewarded for their trouble.

He was immediately plied by a great number of porters, who, like
so many hungry wolves, laid hold on his baggage, and began to carry
it off piecemeal, without his order or direction. Incensed at this
officious insolence, he commanded them to desist, with many oaths
and opprobrious terms that his anger suggested; and perceiving,
that one of them did not seem to pay any regard to what he said,
but marched off with his burthen, he snatched a cudgel out of his
lacquey's hand, and overtaking the fellow in a twinkling, brought
him to the ground with one blow. He was instantly surrounded by
the whole congregation of this canaille, who resented the injury
which their brother had sustained, and would have taken immediate
satisfaction on the aggressor, had not Pipes, seeing his master
involved, brought the whole crew to his assistance, and exerted
himself so manfully that the enemy were obliged to retreat with
many marks of defeat, and menaces of interesting the commandant in
their quarrel. Jolter, who knew and dreaded the power of the French
governor, began to shake with apprehension, when he heard their
repeated threats, but they durst not apply to this magistrate, who,
upon a fair representation of the case, would have punished them
severely for their rapacious and insolent behaviour. Peregrine,
without further molestation, availed himself of his own attendants,
who shouldered his baggage and followed him to the gate, where they
were stopped by the sentinels until their names should be registered.

Mr. Jolter, who had undergone this examination before, resolved to
profit by his experience, and cunningly represented his pupil as
a young English lord. This intimation, supported by the appearance
of his equipage, was no sooner communicated to the officer, than he
turned out the guard, and ordered his soldiers to rest upon their
arms, while his lordship passed in great state to the Lion d'Argent,
where he took up his lodging for the night, resolving to set out
for Paris next morning in a post-chaise.

The governor triumphed greatly in this piece of complaisance and
respect with which they had been honoured, and resumed his beloved
topic of discourse, in applauding the method and subordination of
the French government, which was better calculated for maintaining
order and protecting the people, than any constitution upon earth.
Of their courteous attention to strangers, there needed no other
proof than the compliment which had been paid to them, together with
the governor's connivance at Peregrine's employing his own servants
in carrying the baggage to the inn, contrary to the privilege of
the inhabitants.

While he expatiated with a remarkable degree of self-indulgence on
this subject, the valet-de-chambre coming into the room interrupted
his harangue by telling his master that their trunks and portmanteaus
must be carried to the custom-house, in order to be searched, and
sealed with lead, which must remain untouched until their arrival
at Paris.

Peregrine made no objection to this practice, which was in itself
reasonable enough; but when he understood that the gate was
besieged by another multitude of porters, who insisted upon their
right of carrying the goods, and also of fixing their own price, he
absolutely refused to comply with their demand. Nay, he chastised
some of the most clamorous among them with his foot, and told them,
that if their custom-house officers had a mind to examine his baggage,
they might come to the inn for that purpose. The valet-de-chambre
was abashed at this boldness of his master's behaviour, which the
lacquey, shrugging up his shoulders, observed, was bien a l'Anglaise;
while the governor represented it as an indignity to the whole
nation, and endeavoured to persuade his pupil to comply with the
custom of the place. But Peregrine's natural haughtiness of disposition
hindered him from giving ear to Jolter's wholesome advice; and in
less than half-an-hour they observed a file of musketeers marching
up to the gate. At sight of this detachment the tutor trembled,
the valet grew pale, and the lacquey crossed himself; but our hero,
without exhibiting any other symptoms than those of indignation,
met them on the threshold, and with a ferocious air demanded their
business. The corporal who commanded the file answered, with great
deliberation, that he had orders to convey his baggage to the
custom-house; and seeing the trunks standing in the entry, placed
his men between them and the owner, while the porters that followed
took them up, and proceeded to the douane without opposition.

Pickle was not mad enough to dispute the authority of this message;
but in order to gall and specify his contempt for those who brought
it, he called aloud to his valet, desiring him, in French, to
accompany his things, and see that none of his linen and effects
should be stolen by the searchers. The corporal, mortified at this
satirical insinuation, darted a look of resentment at the author,
as if he had been interested for the glory of his nation; and told
him that he could perceive he was a stranger in France, or else he
would have saved himself the trouble of such a needless precaution.


He makes a fruitless Attempt in Gallantry--Departs for Boulogne,
where he spends the evening with certain English Exiles.

Having thus yielded to the hand of power, he inquired if there was
any other English company in the house; when, understanding that
a gentleman and lady lodged in the next apartment, and had bespoke
a post-chaise for Paris, he ordered Pipes to ingratiate himself with
their footman, and, if possible, learn their names and condition,
while he and Mr. Jolter, attended by the lacquey, took a turn round
the ramparts, and viewed the particulars of the fortification.

Tom was so very successful in his inquiry, that when his master
returned he was able to give him a very satisfactory account of his
fellow-lodgers, in consequence of having treated his brother with
a bottle of wine. The people in question were a gentleman and his
lady lately arrived from England, in their way to Paris. The husband
was a man of good fortune, who had been a libertine in his youth,
and a professed declaimer against matrimony. He wanted neither sense
nor experience, and piqued himself in particular upon his art of
avoiding the snares of the female sex, in which he pretended to be
deeply versed; but, notwithstanding all his caution and skill, he
had lately fallen a sacrifice to the attractions of an oyster-wench,
who had found means to decoy him into the bands of wedlock; and, in
order to evade the compliments and congratulations of his friends
and acquaintance, he had come so far on a tour to Paris, where
he intended to initiate his spouse in the beau monde. In the mean
time, he chose to live upon the reserve, because her natural talents
had as yet received but little cultivation; and he had not the most
implicit confidence in her virtue and discretion, which, it seems,
had like to have yielded to the addresses of an officer at Canterbury,
who had made shift to insinuate himself into her acquaintance and

Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by this information, he lounged
about the yard, in hopes of seeing the dulcinea who had captivated
the old bachelor; and at length observing her at a window, took
the liberty of bowing to her with great respect. She returned the
compliment with a curtsy, and appeared so decent in her dress and
manner, that unless he had been previously informed of her former
life and conversation, he never would have dreamt that her education
was different from that of other ladies of fashion; so easy is it
to acquire that external deportment on which people of condition
value themselves so much. Not but that Mr. Pickle pretended to
distinguish a certain vulgar audacity in her countenance, which
in a lady of birth and fortune would have passed for an agreeable
vivacity that enlivens the aspect, and gives poignancy to every
feature; but as she possessed a pair of fine eyes, and a clear
complexion overspread with a glow of health, which never fails
of recommending the owner, he could not help gazing at her with
desire, and forming the design of making a conquest of her heart.
With this view, he sent his compliments to her husband whose name
was Hornbeck, with an intimation that he proposed to set out the
next day for Paris, and as he understood that he was resolved upon
the same journey, he should be extremely glad of his company on the
road, if he was not better engaged. Hornbeck, who in all probability
did not choose to accommodate his wife with a squire of our hero's
appearance, sent a civil answer to his message, professing infinite
mortification at his being unable to embrace the favour of this
kind offer, by reason of the indisposition of his wife, who, he
was afraid, would not be in a condition for some days to bear the
fatigue of travelling.

This rebuff, which Peregrine ascribed to the husband's jealousy,
stifled his project in embryo: he ordered his French servant to
take a place for himself in the diligence, where all his luggage was
stowed, except a small trunk, with some linen and other necessaries,
that was fixed upon the post-chaise which they hired of the
landlord; and early next morning he and Mr. Jolter departed from
Calais, attended by his valet-de-chambre and Pipes on horseback.
They proceeded without any accident as far as Boulogne, where they
breakfasted, and visited old Father Graham, a Scottish gentleman
of the governor's acquaintance, who had lived as a Capuchin in that
place for the space of threescore years, and during that period
conformed to all the austerities of the order with the most
rigorous exactness, being equally remarkable for the frankness of
his conversation, the humanity of his disposition, and the simplicity
of his manners. From Boulogne they took their departure about noon;
and as they proposed to sleep that night at Abbeville, commanded
the postilion to drive with extra ordinary speed. Perhaps it was
well for his cattle that the axletree gave way and the chaise of
course overturned, before they had travelled one-third part of the

This accident compelled them to return to the place from whence
they had set out; and as they could not procure another conveyance,
they found themselves under the necessity of staying till their
chaise could be refitted. Understanding that this operation would
detain them a whole day, our young gentleman had recourse to his
patience, and demanded to know what they could have for dinner;
the garcon or waiter, thus questioned, vanished in a moment, and
immediately they were surprised with the appearance of a strange
figure, which, from the extravagance of its dress and gesticulation,
Peregrine mistook for a madman of the growth of France. This phantom
(which, by the bye, happened to be no other than the cook) was a
tall, long-legged, meagre, swarthy fellow, that stooped very much;
his cheek-bones were remarkably raised, his nose bent into the
shape and size of a powder-horn, and the sockets of his eyes as raw
round the edges as if the skin had been pared off. On his head he
wore a handkerchief, which had once been white, and now served to
cover the upper part of a black periwig, to which was attached a
bag at least a foot square, with a solitaire and rose that stuck
upon each side of his ear; so that he looked like a criminal on
the pillory. His back was accommodated with a linen waistcoat, his
hands adorned with long ruffles of the same piece, his middle was
girded by an apron, tucked up, that it might not conceal his white
silk stockings, rolled; and at his entrance he brandished a bloody
weapon full three feet in length.

Peregrine, when he first saw him approach in this menacing attitude,
put himself upon his guard; but being informed of his quality,
perused his bill of fare, and having bespoken three or four things
for dinner, walked out with Mr. Jolter to view both towns, which
they had not leisure to consider minutely before. In their return
from the harbour they met with four or five gentlemen, all of whom
seemed to look with an air of dejection, and perceiving our hero
and his governor to be English by their dress, bowed with great
respect as they passed. Pickle, who was naturally compassionate,
felt an emotion of sympathy; and seeing a person, who by his habit
he judged to be one of their servants, accosted him in English, and
asked who the gentlemen were. The lacquey gave him to understand
that they were his own countrymen, called from their native homes
in consequence of their adherence to an unfortunate and ruined cause;
and that they were gone to the sea-side, according to their daily
practice, in order to indulge their longing eyes with a prospect
of the white cliffs of Albion, which they must never more approach.

Though our young gentleman differed widely from them in point
of political principles, he was not one of those enthusiasts who
look upon every schism from the established articles of faith as
damnable, and exclude the sceptic from every benefit of humanity
and Christian forgiveness: he could easily comprehend how a man of
the most unblemished morals might, by the prejudice of education,
or indispensable attachments, be engaged in such a blameworthy and
pernicious undertaking; and thought that they had already suffered
severely for their imprudence. He was affected with the account of
their diurnal pilgrimage to the sea-side, which he considered as
a pathetic proof of their affliction, and invested Mr. Jolter with
the agreeable office of going to them with a compliment in his
name, and begging the honour of drinking a glass with them in the
evening.  They accepted the proposal with great satisfaction and
respectful acknowledgment, and in the afternoon waited upon the
kind inviter, who treated them with coffee, and would have detained
them to supper, but they entreated the favour of his company at the
house which they frequented so earnestly, that he yielded to their
solicitations, and, with his governor, was conducted by them to
the place, where they had provided an elegant repast, and regaled
them with some of the best claret in France.

It was easy for them to perceive that their principal guest was no
favourer of their state maxims, and therefore they industriously
avoided every subject of conversation which could give the least
offence: not but they lamented their own situation, which cut them
off from all their dearest connections, and doomed them to perpetual
banishment from their families and friends: but they did not, even
by the most distant hint, impeach the justice of that sentence
by which they were condemned; although one among them, who seemed
to be about the age of thirty, wept bitterly over his misfortune,
which had involved a beloved wife and three children in misery and
distress; and, in the impatience of his grief, cursed his own fate
with frantic imprecations. His companions, with a view of beguiling
his sorrow, and manifesting their own hospitality at the same
time, changed the topic of discourse, and circulated the bumpers
with great assiduity; so that all their cares were overwhelmed and
forgotten, several French drinking catches were sung, and mirth
and good-fellowship prevailed.

In the midst of this elevation, which commonly unlocks the most
hidden sentiment, and dispels every consideration of caution and
constraint, one of the entertainers, being more intoxicated than his
fellows, proposed a toast, to which Peregrine, with some warmth,
excepted as an unmannerly insult. The other maintained his
proposition with indecent heat; and the dispute beginning to grow
very serious, the company interposed, and gave judgment against their
friend, who was so keenly reproached and rebuked for his impolite
behaviour, that he retired in high dudgeon, threatening to relinquish
their society, and branding them with the appellation apostates from
the common cause. Mortified at the behaviour of their companion,
those that remained were earnest in their apologies to their guests,
whom they besought to forgive his intemperance, assuring them with
great confidence that he would, upon the recovery of his reflection,
wait upon them in person, and ask pardon for the umbrage he had
given. Pickle was satisfied with their remonstrances, resumed his
good humour, and the night being pretty far advanced resisted all
their importunities with which he was entreated to see another
bottle go round, and was escorted to his own lodgings more than
half-seas over. Next morning, about eight o'clock, he was waked by
his valet-de-chambre, who told him that two of the gentlemen with
whom he had spent the evening were in the house, and desired the
favour of being admitted into his chamber. He could not conceive
the meaning of this extraordinary visit; and, ordering his man
to show them enter into his apartment, beheld the person who had
affronted him enter with the gentleman who had reprehended his

He who had given the offence, after having made an apology for
disturbing Mr. Pickle, told him that his friend there present had
been with him early that morning, and proposed the alternative of
either fighting with him immediately, or coming to beg pardon for
his unmannerly deportment over-night: that though he had courage
enough to face any man in the field in a righteous cause, he
was not so brutal as to disobey the dictates of his own duty and
reflection, in consequence of which, and not out of any regard to
the other's menaces, which he despised, he had now taken the liberty
of interrupting his repose, that he might, as soon as possible,
atone for the injury he had done him, which he protested was the
effect of intoxication alone, and begged his forgiveness accordingly.
Our hero accepted of this acknowledgment very graciously; thanked
the other gentleman for the gallant part he had acted in his behalf;
and perceiving that his companion was a little irritated at his
officious interposition, effected a reconciliation, by convincing
him that what he had done was for the honour of the company. He
then kept them to his breakfast; expressed a desire of seeing their
situation altered for the better; and the chaise being repaired,
took his leave of his entertainers, who came to wish him a good
journey, and with his attendants left Boulogne for the second time.


Proceeds for the Capital--Takes up his Lodging at Bernay, where he
is overtaken by Mr. Hornbeck, whose Head he longs to fortify.

During this day's expedition, Mr. Jolter took an opportunity of
imparting to his pupil the remarks he had made upon the industry
of the French as an undeniable proof of which he bade him cast
his eyes around, and observe with what care every spot of ground
was cultivated, and from the fertility of that province, which is
reckoned the poorest in France, conceive the wealth and affluence
of the nation in general. Peregrine, amazed as well as disgusted
at this infatuation, answered that what he ascribed to industry
was the effect of mere wretchedness; the miserable peasants being
obliged to plough up every inch of ground to satisfy their oppressive
landlords, while they themselves and their cattle looked like so
many images of famine; that their extreme poverty was evident from
the face of the country, on which there was not one inclosure to
be seen, or any other object, except scanty crops of barley and
oats, which could never reward the toil of the husbandman; that
their habitations were no better than paltry huts; that in twenty
miles of extent not one gentleman's house appeared; that nothing
was more abject and forlorn than the attire of their country people;
that the equipage of their travelling chaises was infinitely inferior
to that of a dung-cart in England; and that the postilion who then
drove their carriage had neither stockings to his legs, nor a shirt
to his back.

The governor, finding his charge so intractable resolved to leave
him in the midst of his own ignorance and prejudice, and reserve
his observations for those who would pay more deference to his
opinion: and indeed this resolution he had often made, and as often
broken in the transports of his zeal, that frequently hurried him
out of the plan of conduct which in his cooler moments he had laid
down. They halted for refreshment at Montreuil, and about seven in
the evening arrived at a village called Bernay, where, while they
waited for fresh horses, they were informed by the landlord that
the gates of Abbeville were shut every night punctually at eight
o'clock, so that it would be impossible for them to get admittance.
He said there was not another place of entertainment on the road
where they could pass the night; and therefore, as a friend, he
advised them to stay at his house, where they would find the best
of accommodation, and proceed upon their journey betimes in the

Mr. Jolter, though he had travelled on that road before, could not
recollect whether or not mine host spoke truth; but his remonstrance
being very plausible, our hero determined to follow his advice,
and being conducted into an apartment, asked what they could have
for supper. The landlord mentioned everything that was eatable in
the house; and the whole being engrossed for the use of him and
his attendants, he amused himself, till such time as it should be
dressed, in strolling about the house, which stands in a very rural
situation. While he thus loitered away the time that hung heavy on
his hands, another chaise arrived at the inn, and upon inquiry he
found that the new-comers were Mr. Hornbeck and his lady. The landlord,
conscious of his inability to entertain this second company, came
and begged with great humiliation that Mr. Pickle would spare them
some part of the victuals he had bespoken; but he refused to part
with so much as the wing of a partridge, though at the same time he
sent his compliments to the strangers, and giving them to understand
how ill the house was provided for their reception, invited them
to partake of his supper. Mr. Hornbeck, who was not deficient in
point of politeness, and extremely well disposed for a relishing
meal, which he had reason to expect from the savoury steam that
issued from the kitchen, could not resist this second instance of
our young gentleman's civility, which he acknowledged in a message,
importing that he and his wife would do themselves the pleasure of
profiting by his courteous offer.  Peregrine's cheeks glowed when
he found himself on the eve of being acquainted with Mrs. Hornbeck,
of whose heart he had already made a conquest in imagination; and
he forthwith set his invention at work, to contrive some means of
defeating her husband's vigilance.

When supper was ready, he in person gave notice to his guests, and,
leading the lady into his apartment, seated her in an elbow-chair
at the upper end of the table, squeezing her hand, and darting a
most insidious glance at the same time. This abrupt behaviour he
practised on the presumption that a lady of her breeding was not
to be addressed with the tedious forms that must be observed in
one's advances to a person of birth and genteel education.  In all
probability his calculation was just, for Mrs. Hornbeck gave no
signs of discontent at this sort of treatment, but, on the contrary,
seemed to consider it as a proof of the young gentleman's regard;
and though she did not venture to open her mouth three times during
the whole repast, she showed herself particularly well satisfied
with her entertainer, by sundry sly and significant looks, while
her husband's eyes were directed another way; and divers loud peals
of laughter, signifying her approbation of the sallies which he
uttered in the course of their conversation.

Her spouse began to be very uneasy at the frank demeanour of
his yoke-fellow, whom he endeavoured to check in her vivacity, by
assuming a severity of aspect; but whether she obeyed the dictates
of her own disposition, which, perhaps, was merry and unreserved,
or wanted to punish Mr. Hornbeck for his jealousy of temper; certain
it is, her gaiety increased to such a degree, that her husband was
grievously alarmed and, incensed at her conduct, and resolved to
make her sensible of his displeasure, by treading in secret upon
her toes. He was, however, so disconcerted by his indignation, that
he mistook his mark, and applied the sharp heel of his shoe to the
side of Mr. Jolter's foot, comprehending his little toe that was
studded with an angry corn, which he invaded with such a sudden
jerk, that the governor, unable to endure the torture in silence
started up, and, dancing on the floor, roared hideously with repeated
bellowings, to the enjoyment of Peregrine and the lady, who laughed
themselves almost into convulsions at the joke. Hornbeck, confounded
at the mistake he had committed, begged pardon of the injured tutor
with great contrition protesting that the blow he had so unfortunately
received, was intended for an ugly cur, which he thought had posted
himself under the table. It was lucky for him that there was actually
a dog in the room, to justify this excuse, which Jolter admitted
with the tears running over his cheeks, and the economy of the
table was recomposed.

As soon, however, as the strangers could with decency withdraw,
this suspicious husband took his leave of the youth, on pretence of
being fatigued with his journey, after having, by way of compliment,
proposed that they should travel together next day; and Peregrine
handed the lady to her chamber, where he wished her good night with
another warm squeeze, which she returned. This favourable hint
made his heart bound with a transport of joy: he lay in wait for an
opportunity of declaring himself; and seeing the husband go down
into the yard with a candle, glided softly into his apartment, where
he found her almost undressed. Impelled by the impetuosity of his
passion, which was still more inflamed by her present luscious
appearance, and encouraged by the approbation she had already
expressed, he ran towards her with eagerness, crying, "Zounds!
madam, your charms are irresistible!" and without further ceremony
would have clasped her in his arms, had she not begged him for the
love of God to retire; for should Mr. Hornbeck return and find him
there, she would be undone for ever. He was not so blinded by his
passion, but that he saw the reasonableness of her fear; and as he
could not pretend to crown his wishes at that interview, he avowed
himself her lover, assured her that he would exhaust his whole
invention in finding a proper opportunity for throwing himself at
her feet; and in the mean time he ravished sundry small favours,
which she in the hurry of her fright, could not withhold from his
impudence of address. Having thus settled the preliminaries, he
withdrew to his own chamber, and spent the whole night in contriving
stratagems to elude the jealous caution of his fellow-traveller.


They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at Amiens and,
about eleven o'clock, arrive at Chantilly where Peregrine executes
a Plan which he had concerted upon Hornbeck.

The whole company by agreement rose and departed before day, and
breakfasted at Abbeville, where they became acquainted with the
finesse of their Bernay landlord, who had imposed upon them, in
affirming that they would not have been admitted after the gates
were shut. From thence they proceeded to Amiens, where they dined,
and were pestered by begging friars; and the roads being deep, it
was eleven o'clock at night before they reached Chantilly, where they
found supper already dressed, in consequence of having despatched
the valet-de-chambre before them on horseback.

The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by a life of
irregularity, he found himself so fatigued with his day's journey,
which amounted to upwards of a hundred miles, that when he sat
down at table, he could scarce sit upright; and in less than three
minutes began to nod in his chair. Peregrine, who had foreseen and
provided for this occasion, advised him to exhilarate his spirits
with a glass of wine; and the proposal being embraced, tipped his
valet-de-chambre the wink, who, according to the instructions he
had received, qualified the Burgundy with thirty drops of laudanum,
which this unfortunate husband swallowed in one glass. The dose,
cooperating with his former drowsiness, lulled him so fast to sleep,
as it were instantaneously, that it was found necessary to convey
him to his own chamber, where his footman undressed and put him to
bed: nor was Jolter (naturally of a sluggish disposition) able to
resist his propensity to sleep, without suffering divers dreadful
yawns, which encouraged his pupil to administer the same dose to
him, which had operated so successfully upon the other Argus. This
cordial had not such gentle effect upon the rugged organs of Jolter
as upon the more delicate nerves of Hornbeck; but discovered itself
in certain involuntary startings, and convulsive motions in the
muscles of his face; and when his nature at length yielded to the
power of this medicine, he sounded the trumpet so loud through his
nostrils, that our adventurer was afraid the noise would wake his
other patient, and consequently the accomplishment of his aim. The
governor was therefore committed to the care of Pipes, who lugged
him into the next room, and having stripped off his clothes, tumbled
him into his nest, while the two lovers remained at full liberty
to indulge their mutual passion.

Peregrine, in the impatience of his inclination, would have finished
the fate of Hornbeck immediately; but his inamorata disapproved
of his intention, and represented that their being together by
themselves for any length of time would be observed by her servant,
who was kept as a spy upon her actions; so that they had recourse
to another scheme which was executed in this manner. He conducted
her into her own apartment in presence of her footman, who lighted
them thither, and wishing her good rest, returned to his own
chamber, where he waited till everything was quiet in the house;
then stealing softly to her door, which had been left open for his
admission in the dark, he found the husband still secure in the
embraces of sleep, and the lady in a loose gown, ready to seal
his happiness. He conveyed her to his own chamber; but his guilty
passion was not gratified.

The opium which had been given to Jolter, together with the wine he
had drunk, produced such a perturbation in his fancy, that he was
visited with horrible dreams; and, among other miserable situations,
imagined himself in danger of perishing in the flames, which
he thought had taken hold on his apartment. This vision made such
an impression upon his faculties, that he alarmed the whole house
with repeated cries of "Fire! fire!" and even leaped out of his
bed, though he still continued fast asleep. The lovers were very
disagreeably disturbed by this dreadful exclamation; and Mrs.
Hornbeck, running in great confusion to the door, had the mortification
to see the footman, with a light in his hand, enter her husband's
chamber, in order to give him notice of this accident.  She knew
that she would be instantly missed, and could easily divine the
consequence, unless her invention could immediately trump up some
plausible excuse for her absence.

Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of such
emergency: she employed but a few seconds in recollection, and,
rushing directly towards the apartment of the governor, who still
continued to hallo in the same note, exclaimed, in a screaming
tone, "Lord have mercy upon us! where! where!" By this time, all
the servants were assembled in strange attire: Peregrine burst into
Jolter's room, and seeing him stalking in his shirt, with his eyes
shut, bestowed such a slap upon his back, as in a moment dissolved
his dream, and restored him to the use of his senses. He was astonished
and ashamed at being discovered in such an indecent attitude; and,
taking refuge under the clothes, asked pardon of all present for
the disturbance he had occasioned; soliciting, with great humility,
the forgiveness of the lady, who, to a miracle, counterfeited the
utmost agitation of terror and surprise. Meanwhile Hornbeck, being
awaked by the repeated efforts of his man, no sooner understood
that his wife was missing, than all the chimeras of jealousy taking
possession of his imagination, he started up in a sort of frenzy,
and, snatching his sword, flew straight to Peregrine's chamber;
where, though he found not that which he looked for, he unluckily
perceived an under-petticoat, which his wife had forgot in the
hurry of her retreat. This discovery added fuel to the flame of
his resentment. He seized the fatal proof of his dishonour, and,
meeting his spouse in her return to bed, presented it to her view,
with a most expressive countenance, "Madam, you have dropped your
under-petticoat in the next room."

Mrs. Hornbeck, who inherited from nature a most admirable presence
of mind, looked earnestly at the object in question, and, with
incredible serenity of countenance, affirmed that the petticoat
must belong to the house, for she had none such in her possession.
Peregrine, who walked behind her, hearing this asseveration,
immediately interposed, and pulling Hornbeck by the sleeve into
his chamber, "Gadszooks!" said he, "what business had you with that
petticoat? Can't you let a young fellow enjoy a little amour with
an innkeeper's daughter, without exposing his infirmities to your
wife?  Pshaw! that's so malicious, because you have quitted these
adventures yourself, to spoil the sport of other people."

The poor husband was so confounded at the effrontery of his wife,
and this cavalier declaration of the young man, that his faith began
to waver; he distrusted his own conscious diffidence of temper,
which, that he might not expose, he expressed no doubts of Peregrine's
veracity; but, asking pardon for the mistake he had committed,
retired. He was not yet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious
helpmate, but on the contrary determined to inquire more minutely
into the circumstances of this adventure, which turned out so little
to his satisfaction, that he ordered his servant to get everything
ready for his departure by break of day; and when our adventurer
rose next morning, he found that his fellow-travellers were gone
above three hours, though they had agreed to stay all the forenoon,
with a view of seeing the prince of Conde's palace, and to proceed
all together for Paris in the afternoon.

Peregrine was a little chagrined, when he understood that he was
so suddenly deprived of this untasted morsel; and Jolter could not
conceive the meaning of their abrupt and uncivil disappearance,
which, after many profound conjectures, he accounted for, by
supposing that Hornbeck was some sharper who had run away with an
heiress, whom he found it necessary to conceal from the inquiry of
her friends. The pupil, who was well assured of the true motive,
allowed his governor to enjoy the triumph of his own penetration,
and consoled himself with the hope of seeing his dulcinea again at
some of the public places in Paris, which he proposed to frequent.
Thus comforted, he visited the magnificent stables and palace of
Chantilly, and immediately after dinner set out for Paris, where
they arrived in the evening, and hired apartments at an hotel in
the Faubourg St. Germaine, not far from the playhouse.


He is involved in an Adventure at Paris, and taken prisoner by the
City Guard--Becomes acquainted with a French Nobleman, who introduces
him in the Beau Monde.

They were no sooner settled in these lodgings, than our hero wrote
to his uncle an account of their safe arrival, and sent another
letter to his friend Gauntlet, with a very tender billet inclosed
for his dear Emilia, to whom he repeated all his former vows of
constancy and love.

The next care that engrossed him was that of bespeaking several suits
of clothes suitable to the French mode; and, in the mean time, he
never appeared abroad, except in the English coffee-house, where he
soon became acquainted with some of his own countrymen, who were
at Paris on the same footing with himself. The third evening after
his journey, he was engaged in a party of those young sparks, at
the house of a noted traiteur, whose wife was remarkably handsome,
and otherwise extremely well qualified for alluring customers to
her house. To this lady our young gentleman was introduced as a
stranger fresh from England; and he was charmed with her personal
accomplishments, as well as with the freedom and gaiety of her
conversation. Her frank deportment persuaded him that she was one
of those kind creatures who granted favours to the best bidder: on
this supposition he began to be so importunate in his addresses,
that the fair bourgeoise was compelled to cry aloud in defence of
her own virtue. Her husband ran immediately to her assistance, and
finding her in a very alarming situation, flew upon her ravisher
with such fury, that he was fain to quit his prey, and turn against
the exasperated traiteur, whom he punished without mercy for his
impudent intrusion. The lady, seeing her yoke-fellow treated with
so little respect, espoused his cause, and, fixing her nails in his
antagonist's face, sacrificed all one side of his nose. The noise
of this encounter brought all the servants of the house to the rescue
of their master; and Peregrine's company opposing them, a general
battle ensued, in which the French were totally routed, the wife
insulted, and the husband kicked downstairs.

The publican, enraged at the indignity which had been offered
to him and his family, went out into the street, and implored the
protection of the guet, or city guard, which, having heard his
complaint, fixed their bayonets and surrounded the door, to the
number of twelve or fourteen. The young gentlemen, flushed with their
success, and considering the soldiers as so many London watchmen
whom they had often put to flight, drew their swords, and sallied
out, with Peregrine at their head. Whether the guard respected them
as foreigners, or inexperienced youths intoxicated with liquor,
they opened to right and left, and gave them room to pass without
opposition. This complaisance, which was the effect of compassion,
being misinterpreted by the English leader, he, out of mere wantonness,
attempted to trip up the heels of the soldier that stood next him,
but failed in the execution, and received a blow on his breast with
the butt-end of a fusil, that made him stagger several paces backward.
Incensed at this audacious application, the whole company charged
the detachment sword in hand and, after an obstinate engagement,
in which divers wounds were given and received, every soul of them
was taken, and conveyed to the main-guard. The commanding officer
being made acquainted with the circumstances of the quarrel, in
consideration of their youth and national ferocity, for which the
French make large allowances, set them all at liberty, after having
gently rebuked them for the irregularity and insolence of their
conduct; so that all our hero acquired by his gallantry and courage,
was a number of scandalous marks upon his visage that confined him
a whole week to his chamber.  It was impossible to conceal this
disaster from Mr. Jolter, who, having obtained intelligence of the
particulars, did not fail to remonstrate against the rashness of
the adventure, which, he observed, must have been fatal to them,
had their enemies been other than Frenchmen, who, of all people
under the sun, most rigorously observe the laws of hospitality.

As the governor's acquaintance lay chiefly among Irish and English
priests, and a set of low people who live by making themselves
necessary to strangers, either in teaching the French language, or
executing small commissions with which they are intrusted, he was
not the most proper person in the world for regulating the taste
of a young gentleman who travelled for improvement, in expectation
of making a figure one day in his own country. Being conscious of
his own incapacity, he contented himself with the office of a steward,
and kept a faithful account of all the money that was disbursed in
the course of their family expense: not but that he was acquainted
with all the places which were visited by strangers on their first
arrival at Paris; and he knew to a liard what was commonly given
to the Swiss of each remarkable hotel; though, with respect to
the curious painting and statuary that everywhere abounded in that
metropolis, he was more ignorant than the domestic that attends
for a livre a day.

In short, Mr. Jolter could give a very good account of the stages
on the road, and save the expense of Antonini's detail of the
curiosities in Paris: he was a connoisseur in ordinaries, from
twelve to five-and-thirty livres, knew all the rates of fiacre
and remise, could dispute with a tailleur or a traiteur upon the
articles of his bill, and scold the servants in tolerable French.
But the laws, customs, and genius of the people, the characters of
individuals, and scenes of polished life, were subjects which he
had neither opportunities to observe, inclination to consider, nor
discernment to distinguish. All his maxims were the suggestions of
pedantry and prejudice; so that his perception was obscured, his
judgment biased, his address awkward, and his conversation absurd
and unentertaining: yet such as I have represented this tutor,
are the greatest part of those animals who lead raw boys about the
world, under the denomination of travelling governors. Peregrine,
therefore, being perfectly well acquainted with the extent of Mr.
Jolter's abilities, never dreamt of consulting him in the disposition
of his conduct, but parcelled out his time to the dictates of his
own reflection, and the information and direction of his companions,
who had lived longer in France, and consequently were better
acquainted with the pleasures of the place.

As soon as he was in a condition to appear a la Francaise, he hired
a genteel chariot by the month, made the tour of the Luxembourg
gallery, Palais Royal, all the remarkable hotels, churches, and
celebrated places in Paris; visited St. Cloud, Marli, Versailles,
Trianon, St. Germaine, and Fountainebleau, enjoyed the opera, Italian
and French comedy; and seldom failed of appearing in the public
walks, in hopes of meeting with Mrs. Hornbeck, or some adventure
suited to his romantic disposition. He never doubted that his person
would attract the notice of some distinguished inamorata, and was
vain enough to believe that few female hearts were able to resist the
artillery of his accomplishments, should he once find an opportunity
of planting it to advantage. He presented himself, however, at all
the spectacles for many weeks, without reaping the fruits of his
expectation; and began to entertain a very indifferent idea of the
French discernment, which had overlooked him so long, when one day,
in his way to the opera, his chariot was stopped by an embarrass
in the street, occasioned by two peasants, who having driven their
carts against each other, quarrelled, and went to loggerheads on the
spot. Such a rencounter is so uncommon in France, that the people
shut up their shops, and from their windows threw cold water upon
the combatants, with a view of putting an end to the battle, which
was maintained with great fury, and very little skill, until one
of them receiving an accidental fall, the other took the advantage
of this misfortune, and, fastening upon him, as he lay, began to
thump the pavement with his head.

Our hero's equipage being detained close by the field of this
contention, Pipes could not bear to see the laws of boxing so
scandalously transgressed, and, leaping from his station, pulled
the offender from his antagonist, whom he raised up, and in the
English language encouraged to a second essay, instructing him at
the same time by clenching his fists according to art, and putting
himself in a proper attitude. Thus confirmed, the enraged carman
sprang upon his foe, and in all appearance would have effectually
revenged the injury he had sustained, if he had not been prevented
by the interposition of a lacquey belonging to a nobleman, whose
coach was obliged to halt in consequence of the dispute. This
footman, who was distinguished by a cane, descending from his post,
without the least ceremony or expostulation, began to employ his
weapon upon the head and shoulders of the peasant who had been
patronized by Pipes; upon which, Thomas, resenting such ungenerous
behaviour, bestowed such a stomacher upon the officious intermeddler,
as discomposed the whole economy of his entrails, and obliged him
to discharge the interjection Ah! with demonstrations of great
anguish and amazement.  The other two footmen who stood behind the
coach, seeing their fellow-servant so insolently assaulted, flew
to his assistance, and rallied a most disagreeable shower upon the
head of his aggressor, who had no means of diversion or defence.

Peregrine, though he did not approve of Tom's conduct, could not
bear to see him so roughly handled, especially as he thought his own
honour concerned in the fray; and therefore, quitting his machine,
came to the rescue of his attendant, and charged his adversaries
sword in hand. Two of them no sooner perceived this reinforcement,
than they betook themselves to flight; and Pipes, having twisted the
cane out of the hands of the third, belaboured him so unmercifully,
that our hero thought proper to interpose his authority in his behalf.
The common people stood aghast at this unprecedented boldness of
Pickle, who understanding that the person whose servants he had
disciplined was a general and prince of the blood, went up to the
coach, and asked pardon for what he had done, imputing his own
behaviour to his ignorance of the other's quality. The old nobleman
accepted of his apology with great politeness, thanking him for
the trouble he bad taken to reform the manners of his domestics;
and guessing from our youth's appearance that he was some stranger
of condition, very courteously invited him into the coach, on the
supposition that they were both going to the opera. Pickle gladly
embraced this opportunity of becoming acquainted with a person of
such rank, and, ordering his own chariot to follow, accompanied
the count to his loge, where he conversed with him during the whole

He soon perceived that Peregrine was not deficient in spirit or
sense, and seemed particularly pleased with his engaging manner and
easy deportment, qualifications for which the English nation is by
no means remarkable in France, and therefore the more conspicuous
and agreeable in the character of our hero, whom the nobleman
carried home that same evening, and introduced to his lady and
several persons of fashion who supped at his house. Peregrine was
quite captivated by their affable behaviour and the vivacity of
their discourse; and, after having been honoured with particular
marks of consideration, took his leave, fully determined to cultivate
such a valuable acquaintance.

His vanity suggested, that now the time was come when he should
profit by his talents among the fair sex, on whom he resolved to
employ his utmost art and address. With this view he assiduously
engaged in all parties to which he had access by means of his noble
friend, who let slip no opportunity of gratifying his ambition.
He for some time shared in all his amusements, and was entertained
in many of the best families of France; but he did not long enjoy
that elevation of hope, which had flattered his imagination. He soon
perceived that it would be impossible to maintain the honourable
connections he had made, without engaging every day at quadrille,
or, in other words, losing his money; for every person of rank,
whether male or female, was a professed gamester, who knew and
practised all the finesse of the art, of which he was entirely
ignorant. Besides, he began to find himself a mere novice in French
gallantry, which is supported by an amazing volubility of tongue,
and obsequious and incredible attention to trifles, a surprising
faculty of laughing out of pure complaisance, and a nothingness
of conversation which he could never attain. In short, our hero,
who among his own countrymen would have passed for a sprightly,
entertaining fellow, was considered in the brilliant assemblies
of France as a youth of a very phlegmatic disposition. No wonder,
then, that his pride was mortified at his own want of importance,
which he did not fail to ascribe to their defect in point of judgment
and taste. He conceived a disgust at the mercenary conduct, as well
as the shallow intellects, of the ladies; and after he had spent
some months, and a round sum of money, in fruitless attendance
and addresses, he fairly quitted the pursuit, and consoled himself
with the conversation of a merry fille de joie, whose good graces
he acquired by an allowance of twenty louis per month. That he might
the more easily afford this expense, he dismissed his chariot and
French lacquey at the same time.

He then entered himself in a noted academy, in order to finish
his exercises, and contracted an acquaintance with a few sensible
people, whom he distinguished at the coffee-house and ordinary
to which he resorted, and who contributed not a little to the
improvement of his knowledge and taste; for, prejudice apart, it
must be owned that France abounds with men of consummate honour,
profound sagacity, and the most liberal education. From the conversation
of such, he obtained a distinct idea of their government and
constitution; and though he could not help admiring the excellent
order and economy of their police, the result of all his inquiries
was self-congratulation on his title to the privileges of a British
subject. Indeed this invaluable birthright was rendered conspicuous
by such flagrant occurrences, which fell every day almost under his
observation, that nothing but the grossest prejudice could dispute
its existence.


Acquires a distinct Idea of the French Government--Quarrels with
a Mousquetaire, whom he afterwards fights and vanquishes, after
having punished him for interfering in his amorous Recreations.

Among many other instances of the same nature, I believe it will
not be amiss to exhibit a few specimens of their administration,
which happened during his abode at Paris; that those who have
not the opportunity of observing for themselves, or are in danger
of being influenced by misrepresentation, may compare their own
condition with that of their neighbours, and do justice to the
constitution under which they live.

A lady of distinguished character having been lampooned by some
obscure scribbler, who could not be discovered, the ministry, in
consequence of her complaint, ordered no fewer than five-and-twenty
abbes to be apprehended and sent to the Bastille, on the maxim of
Herod, when he commanded the innocents to be murdered, hoping that
the principal object of his cruelty would not escape in the general
calamity; and the friends of those unhappy prisoners durst not even
complain of the unjust persecution, but shrugged up their shoulders,
and in silence deplored their misfortune, uncertain whether or not
they should ever set eyes on them again.

About the same time a gentleman of family, who had been oppressed
by a certain powerful duke that lived in the neighbourhood, found
means to be introduced to the king, who, receiving his petition
very graciously, asked in what regiment he served; and when
the memorialist answered that he had not the honour of being in
the service, returned the paper unopened, and refused to hear one
circumstance of his complaint; so that, far from being redressed,
he remained more than ever exposed to the tyranny of his oppressors;
nay, so notorious is the discouragement of all those who presume
to live independent of court favour and connections that one of the
gentlemen, whose friendship Peregrine cultivated, frankly owned he
was in possession of a most romantic place in one of the provinces,
and deeply enamoured of a country life; and yet he durst not reside
upon his own estate, lest, by slackening in his attendance upon
the great, who honoured him with their protection, he should fall
a prey to some rapacious intendant.

As for the common people, they are so much inured to the scourge
and insolence of power, that every shabby subaltern, every beggarly
cadet of the noblesse, every low retainer to the court, insults
and injures them with impunity. A certain ecuyer, or horsedealer,
belonging to the king, being one day under the hands of a barber,
who happened to cut the head of a pimple on his face, he started
up, and drawing his sword, wounded him desperately in the shoulder.
The poor tradesman, hurt as he was, made an effort to retire, and
was followed by this barbarous assassin, who, not contented with
the vengeance he had taken, plunged his sword a second time into
his body, and killed him on the spot. Having performed this inhuman
exploit, he dressed himself with great deliberation, and going to
Versailles, immediately obtained a pardon for what he had done;
triumphing in his brutality with such insolence, that the very
next time he had occasion to be shaved he sat with his sword ready
drawn, in order to repeat the murder, in case the barber should
commit the same mistake. Yet so tamed are those poor people to
subjection, that when Peregrine mentioned this assassination to
his own trimmer, with expressions of horror and detestation, the
infatuated wretch replied, that without all doubt it was a misfortune,
but it proceeded from the gentleman's passion; and observed, by way
of encomium on the government, that such vivacity is never punished
in France.

A few days after this outrage was committed, our youth, who was a
professed enemy to all oppression, being in one of the first loges
at the comedy, was eye-witness of an adventure which filled him with
indignation: a tall, ferocious fellow, in the parterre, without the
least provocation, but prompted by the mere wantonness of pride,
took hold of the hat of a very decent young man who happened to
stand before him, and twirled it round upon his head. The party thus
offended turned to his aggressor, and civilly asked the reason of
such treatment: but he received no answer; and when he looked the
other way, the insult was repeated: upon which he expressed his
resentment as became a man of spirit, and desired the offender to
walk out with him. No sooner did he thus signify his intention, than
his adversary, swelling with rage, cocked his hat fiercely in his
face, and, fixing his hands in his sides, pronounced, with the most
imperious tone, "Hark ye, Mr. Round Periwig, you must know that
I am a mousquetaire." Scarce had this awful word escaped from his
lips, when the blood forsook the lips of the poor challenger, who,
with the most abject submission, begged pardon for his presumption,
and with difficulty obtained it, on condition that he should
immediately quit the place. Having thus exercised his authority,
he turned to one of his companions, and, with an air of disdainful
ridicule, told him he was like to have had an affair with a bourgeois;
adding, by way of heightening the irony, "Egad! I believe he is a

Our hero was so much shocked and irritated at this licentious
behaviour, that he could not suppress his resentment, which he
manifested by saying to this Hector, "Sir, a physician may be a man
of honour." To this remonstrance, which was delivered with a very
significant countenance, the mousquetaire made no other reply, but
that of echoing his assertion with a loud laugh, in which he was
joined by his confederates. Peregrine, glowing with resentment,
called him a fanfaron, and withdrew in expectation of being followed
into the street. The other understood the hint; and a rencounter
must have ensued had not the officer of the guard, who overheard
what passed, prevented their meeting, by putting the mousquetaire
immediately under arrest. Our young gentleman waited at the door
of the parterre, until he was informed of this interposition, and
then went home very much chagrined at his disappointment; for he
was an utter stranger to fear and diffidence on those occasions,
and had set his heart upon chastising the insolence of this bully,
who had treated him with such disrespect.

This adventure was not so private but that it reached the ears of Mr.
Jolter by the canal of some English gentlemen who were present when
it happened; and the governor, who entertained a most dreadful idea
of the mousquetaires, being alarmed at a quarrel, the consequence
of which might be fatal to his charge, waited on the British
ambassador, and begged he would take Peregrine under his immediate
protection. His excellency, having heard the circumstances of the
dispute, sent one of his gentlemen to invite the youth to dinner;
and after having assured him that he might depend upon his countenance
and regard, represented the rashness and impetuosity of his conduct
so much to his conviction, that he promised to act more circumspectly
for the future, and drop all thoughts of the mousquetaire from that

A few days after he had taken this laudable resolution, Pipes,
who had carried a billet to his mistress, informed him that he had
perceived a laced hat lying upon a marble slab in her apartment;
and that when she came out of her own chamber to receive the letter,
she appeared in manifest disorder. From these hints of intelligence
our young gentleman suspected, or rather made no doubt of, her
infidelity; and being by this time well nigh cloyed with possession,
was not sorry to find she had given him cause to renounce her
correspondence. That he might therefore detect her in the very
breach of duty, and at the same time punish the gallant who had the
presumption to invade his territories, he concerted with himself a
plan which was executed in this manner. During his next interview
with his dulcinea, far from discovering the least sign of jealousy
or discontent, he affected the appearance of extraordinary fondness,
and, after having spent the afternoon with the show of uncommon
satisfaction, told her he was engaged in a party for Fountainebleau,
and would set out from Paris that same evening; so that he should
not have the pleasure of seeing her again for some days.

The lady, who was very well versed in the arts of her occupation,
pretended to receive this piece of news with great affliction, and
conjured him, with such marks of real tenderness, to return as soon
as possible to her longing arms, that he went away almost convinced
of her sincerity. Determined, however, to prosecute his scheme,
he actually departed from Paris with two or three gentlemen of his
acquaintance, who had hired a remise for a jaunt to Versailles; and
having accompanied them as far as the village of Passe, he returned
in the  dusk of the evening on foot.

He waited impatiently till midnight, and then, arming himself with
a brace of pocket-pistols, and attended by trusty Tom with a cudgel
in his hand, repaired to the lodgings of his suspected inamorata.
Having given Pipes his cue, he knocked gently at the door, which
was no sooner opened by the lacquey, than he bolted in, before the
fellow could recollect himself from the confusion occasioned by his
unexpected appearance; and, leaving Tom to guard the door, ordered
the trembling valet to light him upstairs into his lady's apartment.
The first object that presented itself to his view, when he entered
the antechamber, was a sword upon the table, which he immediately
seized, exclaiming, in a loud and menacing voice, that his
mistress was false, and then in bed with another gallant, whom he
would instantly put to death. This declaration, confirmed by many
terrible oaths, he calculated for the hearing of his rival, who,
understanding his sanguinary purpose, started up in great trepidation,
and, naked as he was, dropped from the balcony into the street,
while Peregrine thundered at the door for admittance, and, guessing
his design, gave him an opportunity of making this precipitate
retreat. Pipes, who stood sentinel at the door, observing the
fugitive descend, attacked him with his cudgel; and sweating him
from one end of the street to the other, at last committed him to
the guet by whom he was conveyed to the officer on duty in a most
disgraceful and deplorable condition.

Meanwhile Peregrine, having burst open the chamber door, found the
lady in the utmost dread and consternation, and the spoils of her
favourite scattered about the room; but his resentment was doubly
gratified, when he learned, upon inquiry, that the person who had
been so disagreeably interrupted was no other than that individual
mousquetaire with whom he had quarrelled at the comedy. He upbraided
the nymph with her perfidy and ingratitude; and telling her that she
must not expect the continuance of his regard, or the appointments
which she had hitherto enjoyed from his bounty, went home to his
own lodgings, overjoyed at the issue of the adventure.

The soldier, exasperated at the disgrace he had undergone, as well
as the outrageous insult of the English valet, whom he believed his
master had tutored for that purpose, no sooner extricated himself
from the opprobrious situation he had incurred, than, breathing
vengeance against the author of the affront, he came to Peregrine's
apartment, and demanded satisfaction upon the ramparts next morning
before sunrise. Our hero assured him he would not fail to pay his
respects to him at the time and place appointed; and foreseeing
that he might be prevented from keeping this engagement by the
officious care of his governor, who saw the mousquetaire come in,
he told Mr.  Jolter, that the Frenchman had visited him in consequence
of an order he had received from his superiors, to make an apology
for his rude behaviour to him in the playhouse, and that they had
parted very good friends. This assurance, together with Pickle's
tranquil and unconcerned behaviour through the day, quieted the terrors
which had begun to take possession of his tutor's imagination; so
that the youth had an opportunity of giving him the slip at night,
when he betook himself to the lodgings of a friend, whom he engaged
as his second, and with whom he immediately took the field, in order
to avoid the search which Jolter, upon missing him, might set on

This was a necessary precaution; for as he did not appear at supper,
and Pipes, who usually attended him in his excursions, could give
no account of his motions, the governor was dreadfully alarmed at
his absence, and ordered his man to run in quest of his master to
all the places which he used to frequent, while he himself went to
the commissaire, and, communicating his suspicions, was accommodated
with a party of the horse-guards, who patrolled round all the
environs of the city, with a view of preventing the rencounter.
Pipes might have directed them to the lady, by whose information
they could have learned the name and lodgings of the mousquetaire,
and if he had been apprehended the duel would not have happened;
but he did not choose to run the risk of disobliging his master by
intermeddling in the affair, and was moreover very desirous that
the Frenchman should be humbled; for he never doubted that Peregrine
was more than a match for any two men in France. In this confidence,
therefore, he sought his master with great diligence, not with a
view of disappointing his intention, but in order to attend him to
the battle, that he might stand by him, and see justice done.

While this inquiry was carried on, our hero and his companion
concealed themselves among some weeds, that grew on the edge of the
parapet, a few yards from the spot where he had agreed to meet
the mousquetaire; and scarce had the morning rendered objects
distinguishable when they perceived their men advancing boldly to
the place. Peregrine, seeing them approach sprang forward to the
ground, that he might have the glory of anticipating his antagonist;
and swords being drawn, all four were engaged in a twinkling.
Pickle's eagerness had well nigh cost him his life; for, without
minding his footing, he flew directly to his opposite, and, stumbling
over a stone, was wounded on one side of his head before he could
recover his attitude. Far from being dispirited at this check, it
served only to animate him the more; being endowed with uncommon
agility, he retrieved his posture in a moment; and having parried
a second thrust, returned the lunge with such incredible speed, that
the soldier had not time to resume his guard, but was immediately
run through the bend of his right arm; and the sword dropping out
of his hand, our hero's victory was complete.

Having despatched his own business, and received the acknowledgment
of his adversary who, with a look of infinite mortification,
answered, that his was the fortune of the day, he ran to part the
seconds, just as the weapon was twisted out of his companion's hand:
upon which he took his place; and, in all likelihood, an obstinate
dispute would have ensued, had they not been interrupted by the
guard, at sight of whom the two Frenchmen scampered off. Our young
gentleman and his friend allowed themselves to be taken prisoners
by the detachment which had been sent out for that purpose, and
were carried before the magistrate, who, having sharply reprimanded
them for presuming to act in contempt of the laws, set them
at liberty, in consideration of their being strangers; cautioning
them, at the same time, to beware of such exploits for the future.

When Peregrine returned to his own lodgings, Pipes, seeing the
blood trickling down upon his master's neckcloth and solitaire, gave
evident tokens of surprise and concern; not for the consequences
of the wound, which he did no suppose dangerous, but for the glory
of Old England, which he was afraid had suffered in the engagement;
for he could not help saying, with an air of chagrin, as he followed
the youth into his chamber, "I do suppose as how you gave that
lubberly Frenchman as good as he brought."


Mr. Jolter threatens to leave him on account of his Misconduct,
which he promises to rectify; but his Resolution is defeated by
the Impetuosity of his Passions--He meets accidentally with Mrs.
Hornbeck, who elopes with him from her Husband, but is restored by
the Interposition of the British Ambassador.

Though Mr. Jolter was extremely well pleased at the safety of his
pupil, he could not forgive him for the terror and anxiety he had
undergone on his account; and roundly told him, that notwithstanding
the inclination and attachment he had to his person, he would
immediately depart for England, if ever he should hear of his being
involved in such another adventure; for it could not be expected
that he would sacrifice his own quiet, to an unrequited regard for
one who seemed determined to keep him in continual uneasiness and

To this declaration Pickle made answer, that Mr. Jolter, by this
time, ought to be convinced of the attention he had always paid
to his ease and satisfaction; since he well knew that he had ever
looked upon him in the light of a friend rather than as a counsellor or
tutor; and desired his company in France with a view of promoting
his interest, not for any emolument he could expect from his
instruction. This being the case, he was at liberty to consult his
own inclinations, with regard to going or staying; though he could
not help owning himself obliged by the concern he expressed for
his safety, and would endeavour, for his own sake, to avoid giving
him any cause of disturbance in time to come.

No man was more capable of moralizing upon Peregrine's misconduct
than himself: his reflections were extremely just and sagacious,
and attended with no other disadvantage but that of occurring too
late.  He projected a thousand salutary schemes of deportment,
but, like other projectors, he never had interest enough with the
ministry of his passions to bring any of them to bear. He had,
in the heyday of his gallantry received a letter from his friend
Gauntlet with a kind postscript from his charming Emilia; but it
arrived at a very unseasonable juncture, when his imagination was
engrossed by conquests that more agreeably flattered his ambition; so
that he could not find leisure and inclination, from that day, to
honour the correspondence which he himself had solicited. His vanity
had, by the time, disapproved of the engagement he had contracted
in the rawness and inexperience of youth; suggesting, that he was
born to such an important figure in life, as ought to raise his
ideas above the consideration of any such middling connections,
and fix his attention upon objects of the most sublime attraction.
These dictates of ridiculous pride had almost effaced the remembrance
of his amiable mistress, or at least so far warped his morals and
integrity, that he actually began to conceive hopes of her altogether
unworthy of his own character and her deserts.

Meanwhile, being destitute of a toy for the dalliance of his
idle hours, he employed several spies, and almost every day made
a tour of the public places in person, with a view of procuring
intelligence of Mr. Hornbeck, with whose wife he longed to have
another interview. In this course of expectation had he exercised
himself a whole fortnight, when, chancing to be at the Hospital
of the Invalids with a gentleman lately arrived from England, he
no sooner entered the church than he perceived his lady, attended
by her spouse, who at sight of our hero changed colour and looked
another way, in order to discourage any communication between them.
But the young man, who was not so easily repulsed, advanced with
great assurance to his fellow-traveller, and taking him by the
hand, expressed his satisfaction at this unexpected meeting; kindly
upbraiding him for his precipitate retreat from Chantilly. Before
Hornbeck could make any reply he went up to his wife, whom he
complimented in the same manner; assuring her, with some significant
glances, he ass extremely mortified that she had put it out of his
power to pay his respects to her on his first arrival at Paris;
and then, turning to her husband, who thought proper to keep close
to him in this conference, begged to know where he could have the
honour of waiting upon him; observing at the same time, that he
himself lived a l'Academie de Palfrenier.

Mr. Hornbeck, without making any apology for his elopement on the
road, thanked Mr. Pickle for his complaisance in a very cool and
disobliging manner; saying that as he intended to shift his lodgings
in a day or two, he could not expect the pleasure of seeing him,
until he should he settled, when he would call at the academy, and
conduct him to his new habitation.

Pickle, who was not unacquainted with the sentiments of this
jealous gentleman, did not put much confidence in his promise, and
therefore made divers efforts to enjoy a little private conversation
with his wife; but he was baffled in all his attempts by the
indefatigable vigilance of her keeper, and reaped no other immediate
pleasure from this accidental meeting, than that of a kind squeeze
while he handed her into the coach. However, as he had been witness
to some instances of her invention, and was no stranger to the
favourable disposition of her heart, he entertained some faint
hopes of profiting by her understanding, and was not deceived in
his expectation; for the very next forenoon, a Savoyard called at
the academy, and put the following billet in his hand:--

     "Coind Sur,--Heaving the playsure of meating with you at the
     osspital of awilheads, I take this lubbertea of latin you
     know, that I lotch at the hottail de May cong dangle rouy
     Doghouseten, with two postis at the gait, naytheir of um very
     hole, ware I shall be at the windore, if in kais you will be
     so good as to pass that way at sicks a cloak in the heavening
     when Mr. Hornbeck goes to the Calf hay de Contea. Prey for the
     loaf of Geesus keep this from the nolegs of my hussban, ells he
     will make me leed a hell upon urth.--Being all from, deer Sur,
     your most umbell servan wile           "Deborah Hornbeck."

Our young gentleman was ravished at the receipt of this elegant
epistle, which was directed, A Monsr. Monsr. Pickhell, a la Gaddamme
de Paul Freny, and did not fail to obey the summons at the hour of
assignation; when the lady, true to her appointment, beckoned him
up-stairs, and he had the good fortune to be admitted unseen.

After the first transports of their mutual joy at meeting, she told
him, that her husband had been very surly and cross ever since the
adventure at Chantilly, which he had not yet digested; that he had
laid severe injunctions upon her to avoid all commerce with Pickle,
and even threatened to shut her up in a convent for life, if ever
she should discover the least inclination to renew that acquaintance;
that she had been cooped up in her chamber since her arrival at Paris,
without being permitted to see the place, or indeed any company,
except that of her landlady, whose language she did not understand;
so that her spirit being broken, and her health impaired, he was
prevailed upon some days ago to indulge her in a few airings, during
which she had seen the gardens of the Luxembourg, the Tuileries,
and Palais Royal, though at those times when there was no company
in the walks; and that it was in one of those excursions she had the
happiness of meeting with him. Finally, she gave him to understand,
that rather than continue longer in such confinement with the man
whom she could not love, she would instantly give him the slip,
and put herself under the protection of her lover.

Rash and unthinking as this declaration might be, the young
gentleman was so much of a gallant, that he would not balk the
lady's inclinations; and too infatuated by his passion to foresee
the consequences of such a dangerous step: he therefore, without
hesitation, embraced the proposal; and the coast being clear, they
sallied out into the street, where Peregrine, calling a fiacre,
ordered the coachman to drive them to a tavern; but knowing it
would not be in his power to conceal her from the search of the
lieutenant de police, if she should remain within the walls of Paris,
he hired a remise, and carried her that same evening to Villejuif,
about four leagues from town, where he stayed with her all night;
and having boarded her on a genteel pension, and settled the economy
of his future visits, returned next day to his own lodgings.

While he thus enjoyed his success, her husband endured the tortures
of the damned. When he returned from the coffee-house, and understood
that his wife had eloped, without being perceived by any person
in the family, he began to rave and foam with rage and jealousy;
and, in the fury of distraction, accused the landlady of being an
accomplice in her escape, threatening to complain of her to the
commissaire. The woman could not conceive how Mrs. Hornbeck, who
she knew was an utter stranger to the French language, and kept no
sort of company, could elude the caution of her husband, and find
any refuge in a place where she had no acquaintance, and began to
suspect the lodger's emotion was no other than an affected passion
to conceal his own practices upon his wife, who had perhaps fallen
a sacrifice to his jealous disposition. She therefore spared him
the trouble of putting his menaces into execution by going to the
magistrate, without any further deliberation, and giving an account
of what she knew concerning this mysterious affair, with certain
insinuations against Hornbeck's character, which she represented
as peevish and capricious to the last degree.

While she thus anticipated the purpose of the plaintiff, her
information was interrupted by the arrival of the party himself,
who exhibited his complaint with such evident marks of perturbation,
anger, and impatience, that the commissaire could easily perceive that
he had no share in the disappearance of his wife, and directed him
to the lieutenant de police, whose province it is to take cognizance
of such occurrences. This gentleman, who presides over the city
of Paris, having heard the particulars of Hornbeck's misfortune,
asked if he suspected any individual person as the seducer of his
yoke-fellow; and when he mentioned Peregrine as the object of his
suspicion, granted a warrant and a detachment of soldiers, to search
for and retrieve the fugitive.

The husband conducted them immediately to the academy where our hero
lodged; and having rummaged the whole place, to the astonishment
of Mr. Jolter, without finding either his wife or the supposed
ravisher, accompanied them to all the public-houses in the Faubourg,
which having examined also without success, he returned to the
magistrate in a state of despair, and obtained a promise of his
making such an effectual inquiry, that in three days he should have
an account of her, provided she was alive, and within the walls of

Our adventurer, who had foreseen all this disturbance, was not at
all surprised when his governor told him what had happened, and
conjured him to restore the woman to the right owner, with many
pathetic remonstrances touching the heinous sin of adultery, the
distraction of the unfortunate husband, and the danger of incurring
the resentment of an arbitrary government, which, upon application
being made would not fail of espousing the cause of the injured.
He denied, with great effrontery, that he had the least concern in
the matter, pretended to resent the deportment of Hornbeck, whom he
threatened to chastise for his scandalous suspicion, and expressed
his displeasure at the credulity of Jolter, who seemed to doubt
the veracity of his asseveration.

Notwithstanding this confident behaviour, Jolter could not help
entertaining doubts of his sincerity, and, visiting the disconsolate
swain, begged he would, for the honour of his country, as well as
for the sake of his own reputation, discontinue his addresses to
the lieutenant de police, and apply to the British ambassador, who,
by dint of friendly admonitions, would certainly prevail upon Mr.
Pickle to do him all the justice in his power, if he was really the
author of the injury he had sustained. The governor urged this
advice with the appearance of so much sympathy and concern, promising
to co-operate within his influence in his behalf, that Hornbeck
embraced the proposal, communicated his purpose to the magistrate,
who commended the resolution as the most decent and desirable
expedient he could use, and then waited upon his excellency, who
readily espoused his cause, and sending for the young gentleman
that same evening, read him such a lecture in private, as extorted
a confession of the whole affair. Not that he assailed him with
sour and supercilious maxims, or severe rebuke; because he had
penetration enough to discern that Peregrine's disposition was
impregnable to all such attacks; but he first of all rallied him
on his intriguing genius; then, in a humorous manner, described the
distraction of the poor cuckold, who he owned was justly punished
for the absurdity of his conduct; and lastly, upon the supposition
that it would be no great effort in Pickle to part with such
a conquest, especially after it had been for some time possessed,
represented the necessity and expediency of restoring her, not
only out of regard to his own character and that of his nation,
but also with a view to his ease, which would in a little time be
very much invaded by such an incumbrance, that in all probability
would involve him in a thousand difficulties and disgusts. Besides,
he assured him that he was already, by order of the lieutenant de
police, surrounded with spies, who would watch all his motions,
and immediately discover the retreat in which he had disposed his
prize. These arguments, and the frank familiar manner in which they
were delivered--but, above all, the last consideration--induced
the young gentleman to disclose the whole of his proceedings to
the ambassador; and he promised to be governed by his direction,
provided the lady should not suffer for the step she had taken,
but, be received by her husband with due reverence and respect.
These stipulations being agreed to, he undertook to produce her
in eight-and-forty hours; and, taking coach, immediately drove to
the place of her residence, where he spent a whole day and night
in convincing her of the impossibility of their enjoying each other
in that manner; then, returning to Paris, he delivered her into
the hands of the ambassador, who, having assured her that she might
depend upon his friendship and protection, in case she should find
herself aggrieved by the jealous temper of Mr. Hornbeck, restored
her to her legitimate lord, whom he counselled to exempt her from
that restraint which in all probability had been the cause of her
elopement, and endeavour to conciliate her affection by tender and
respectful usage.

The husband behaved with great humility and compliance, protesting
that his chief study should be to contrive parties for her pleasure
and satisfaction. But no sooner did he regain possession of his
stray sheep, than he locked her up more closely than ever; and after
having revolved various schemes for her reformation, determined to
board her in a convent, under the inspection of a prudent abbess,
who should superintend her morals, and recall her to the paths
of virtue which she had forsaken. With this view, he consulted an
English priest of his acquaintance, who advised him to settle her
in a monastery at Lisle, that she might be as far as possible from
the machinations of her lover, and gave him a letter of recommendation
to the superior of a certain convent in that place, for which Mr.
Hornbeck set out in a few days with his troublesome charge.


Peregrine resolves to return to England--Is diverted with the odd
Characters of two of his Countrymen, with whom he contracts an
acquaintance in the Apartments of the Palais Royal.

In the mean time our hero received a letter from his aunt, importing
that the commodore was in a very declining way, and longed much to
see him at the garrison; and at the same time he heard from his
sister, who gave him to understand that the young gentleman, who had
for some time made his addresses to her, was become very pressing
in his solicitations; so that she wanted to know in what manner
she should answer his repeated entreaties. Those two considerations
determined the young gentleman to retain to his native country; a
resolution that was far from being disagreeable to Jolter, who knew
that the incumbent on a living which was in the gift of Trunnion
was extremely old, and that it would be his interest to be upon
the spot at the said incumbent's decease.

Peregrine, who had resided about fifteen months in France, thought
he was now sufficiently qualified for eclipsing most of his
contemporaries in England, and therefore prepared for his departure
with infinite alacrity; being moreover inflamed with the most ardent
desire of revisiting his friends, and renewing his connections,
particularly with Emilia, whose heart he by this time, thought he
was able to reduce on his own terms.

As he proposed to make the tour of Flanders and Holland in his return
to England, he resolved to stay at Paris a week or two after his
affairs were settled, in hope of finding some companion disposed
for the same journey; and, in order to refresh his memory, made
a second circuit round all the places in that capital, where any
curious production of art is to be seen. In the course of this
second examination he chanced to enter the Palais Royal, just as
two gentlemen alighted from a fiacre at the gate; and all three
being admitted at the same time, he soon perceived that the strangers
were of his own country. One of them was a young man, in whose air
and countenance appeared all the uncouth gravity and supercilious
self-conceit of a physician piping-hot from his studies; while
the other, to whom his companion spoke by the appellation of Mr.
Pallet, displayed at first sight a strange composition of levity
and assurance. Indeed, their characters, dress, and address, were
strongly contrasted: the doctor wore a suit of black, and a huge
tie-wig, neither suitable to his own age, nor the fashion of the
country where he then lived; whereas the other, though seemingly
turned of fifty, strutted in a gay summer dress of the Parisian
cut, with a bag to his own grey hair, and a red feather in his hat,
which he carried under his arm. As these figures seemed to promise
something entertaining, Pickle entered into conversation with
them immediately, and soon discovered that the old gentleman was a
painter from London, who had stolen a fortnight from his occupation,
in order to visit the remarkable paintings of France and Flanders;
and that the doctor had taken the opportunity of accompanying him
in his tour. Being extremely talkative, he not only communicated these
particulars to our hero in a very few minutes after their meeting,
but also took occasion to whisper in his ear that his fellow-traveller
was a man of vast learning and, beyond all doubt, the greatest poet
of the age. As for himself, he was under no necessity of making
his own eulogium; for he soon gave such specimens of his taste and
talents as left Pickle no room to doubt of his capacity.

While they stood considering the pictures in one of the first
apartments, which are by no means the most masterly compositions,
the Swiss, who set up for a connoisseur, looking at a certain
piece, pronounced the word with a note of admiration; upon which
Mr.  Pallet, who was not at all a critic in the French language,
replied, with great vivacity, "Manufac, you mean, and a very
indifferent piece of manufacture it is: pray, gentlemen, take
notice; there is no keeping in those heads upon the background,
and no relief in the principal figure: then you'll observe the
shadings are harsh to the last degree; and, come a little closer
this way--don't you perceive that the foreshortening of that
arm is monstrous?--egad, sir! The is an absolute fracture in the
limb. Doctor, you understand anatomy: don't you think that muscle
evidently misplaced? Hark ye, Mr. what-d'ye-call-um (turning to the
attendant), what is the name of the dauber who painted that miserable
performance?" The Swiss, imagining that he was all this time
expressing his satisfaction, sanctioned his supposed commendation
by exclaiming sans prix. "Right," cried Pallet: "I could not
recollect his name, though his manner is quite familiar to me.
We have a few pieces in England, done by that same Sangpree; but
there they are in no estimation; we have more taste among us than
to relish the productions of such a miserable gout.  A'n't he an
ignorant coxcomb, doctor?" The physician, ashamed of his companion's
blunder, thought it was necessary, for the honour of his wan
character, to take notice of it before the stranger, and therefore
answered his question by repeating this line from Horace:--

Mutato nomine, de te fabula narratur.

The painter, who was rather more ignorant of Latin than of French,
taking it for granted that this quotation of his friend conveyed an
assent to his opinion, "Very true," said he, "Potato domine date,
this piece is not worth a single potato." Peregrine was astonished
at this surprising perversion of the words and meaning of a Latin
line, which, at first, he could not help thinking was a premeditated
joke; but, upon second thoughts, he saw no reason to doubt that
it was the extemporaneous effect of sheer pertness and ignorance,
at which he broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter. Pallet,
believing that the gentleman's mirth was occasioned by his arch
animadversion upon the work of Sangpree, underwent the same emotion
in a much louder strain, and endeavoured to heighten the jest by
more observations of the same nature; while the doctor, confounded
at his impudence and want of knowledge, reprimanded him in these
words of Homer:--

Siga, me tis allos Achaion touton akouse muthon.

This rebuke, the reader will easily perceive, was not calculated for
the meridian of his friend's intellects, but uttered with a view
of raising his own character in the opinion of Mr. Pickle, who
retorted this parade of learning in three verses from the same
author, being part of the speech of Polydamas to Hector, importing
that it is impossible for one man to excel in everything.

The self-sufficient physician, who did not expect such a repartee
from a youth of Peregrine's appearance, looked upon his reply as
a fair challenge, and instantly rehearsed forty or fifty lines of
the Iliad in a breath. Observing that the stranger made no effort
to match this effusion, he interpreted his silence into submission;
then, in order to ascertain his victory, insulted him with divers
fragments of authors, whom his supposed competitor did not even know
by name; while Mr. Pallet stared with admiration at the profound
scholarship of his companion. Our young gentleman, far from repining at
this superiority laughed within himself at the ridiculous ambition
of the pedantic doctor. He rated him in his own mind as a mere
index-hunter, who held the eel of science by the tail, and foresaw
an infinite fund of diversion in his solemnity and pride, if properly
extracted by means of his fellow-traveller's vanity and assurance.
Prompted by these considerations, he resolved to cultivate their
acquaintance, and, if possible, amuse himself at their expense in his
journey through Flanders, understanding that they were determined
upon the same route. In this view he treated them with extraordinary
attention, and seemed to pay particular deference to the remarks
of the painter, who, with great intrepidity, pronounced judgment
upon every picture in the palace, or, in other words, exposed his
own nakedness in every sentence that proceeded from his mouth.

When they came to consider the Murder of the Innocents by Le Brun,
the Swiss observed, that it was un beau morceau, and Mr. Pallet
replied,--"Yes, yes, one may see with half an eye, that it can be
the production of no other; for Bomorso's style both in colouring
and drapery, is altogether peculiar: then his design is tame, and
his expression antic and unnatural. Doctor, you have seen my judgment
of Solomon; I think I may, without presumption--but, I don't choose
to make comparisons; I leave that odious task to other people, and
let my works speak for themselves. France, to be sure, is rich in
the arts; but what is the reason? The king encourages men of genius
with honour and rewards; whereas, in England, we are obliged to stand
on our own feet, and combat the envy and malice of our brethren.
Egad! I have a good mind to come and settle here in Paris. I should
like to have an apartment in the Louvre, with a snug pension of so
many thousand livres."

In this manner did Pallet proceed with an eternal rotation of
tongue, floundering from one mistake to another, until it was the
turn of Poussin's Seven Sacraments to be examined. Here again, the
Swiss, out of the abundance of his zeal, expressed his admiration,
by saying these pieces were impayable; when the painter, turning
to him, with an air of exultation, "Pardon me, friend, there you
happen to be mistaken: these are none of Impayable's; but done by
Nicholas Pouseen. I have seen prints of them in England, so that none
of your tricks upon travellers, Mr. Swiss or Swash, or what's your
name." He was much elated by this imaginary triumph of his understanding,
which animated him to persevere in his curious observations upon
all the other pieces of that celebrated collection; but perceiving
that the doctor manifested no signs of pleasure and satisfaction,
but rather beheld them with a silent air of disdain, he could not
digest his indifference, and asked, with a waggish sneer, if ever
he had seen such a number of masterpieces before? The physician,
eyeing him with a look of compassion, mingled with contempt, observed
that there was nothing there which deserved the attention of any
person acquainted with the ideas of the ancients; and that the
author of the finest piece now in being was unworthy to clean the
brushes of one of those great masters who are celebrated by the
Greek and Roman writers.

"O lad! O lad!" exclaimed the painter, with a loud laugh, "you
have fairly brought yourself into a dilemma at last, dear doctor;
for it is well known that your ancient Greek and Roman artists
knew nothing at all of the matter, in comparison with our modern
masters; for this good reason, because they had but three or four
colours, and knew not how to paint with oil: besides, which of all
your old fusty Grecians would you put upon a footing with the divine
Raphael, the most excellent Michael Angelo, Bona Roti, the graceful
Guido, the bewitching Titian, and above all others, the sublime
Rubens, the--." He would have proceeded with a long catalogue of
names which he had got by heart for the purpose, without retaining
the least idea of their several qualifications, had not he been
interrupted by his friend, whose indignation being kindled by
the irreverence with which he mentioned the Greeks, he called him
blasphemer, Goth, Boeotian, and, in his turn, asked with great
vehemence, which of those puny moderns could match with Panaenus of
Athens, and his brother Phidias; Polycletus of Sicyon; Polygnotus,
the Thracian; Parrhasius of Ephesus, surnamed Abrodiaitos, or the
Beau; and Apelles, the prince of painters? He challenged him to
show any portrait of these days that could vie with the Helen of
Zeuxis, the Heraclean; or any composition equal to the Sacrifice of
Iphigenia, by Timanthes, the Sicyonian; not to mention the Twelve
Gods of Asclepiodorus, the Athenian, for which Mnason, tyrant
of Elatea, gave him about three hundred pounds apiece; or Homer's
Hell, by Nicias, who refused sixty talents, amounting to upwards
of eleven thousand pounds, and generously made a present of it to
his own country. He desired him to produce a collection equal to
that in the temple of Delphos, mentioned in the "Ion" of Euripides;
where Hercules and his companion Iolaus, are represented in the
act of killing the Lernaean hydra with golden sickles, kruseais
harpais, where Bellerophon appears on his winged steed, vanquishing
the fire-breathing chimera, tan puripneousan; and the war of
the giants is described. Here Jupiter stands wielding the red-hot
thunderbolts, keraunon amphipuron; there Pallas, dreadful to the
view, Gorgopon, brandishes her spear against the huge Euceladus; and
Bacchus, with slender ivy rods, defeats and slays the ges teknon,
or the mighty son of earth.

The painter was astonished and confounded at this rhapsody of
names and instances, which was uttered with surprising eagerness
and rapidity, suspecting at first that the whole was the creation
of his own brain; but when Pickle, with a view of flattering
the doctor's self-conceit, espoused his side of the question, and
confirmed the truth of everything he advanced, Mr. Pallet changed
his opinion, and in emphatic silence adored the immensity of his
friend's understanding. In short, Peregrine easily perceived that
they were false enthusiasts, without the smallest pretensions to
taste and sensibility; and pretended to be in raptures with they
knew not what; the one thinking it was incumbent upon him to express
transports on seeing the works of those who had been most eminent
in their profession, whether they did or did not really raise
his admiration; and the other as a scholar deeming it his duty to
magnify the ancients above all competition, with an affected fervour,
which the knowledge of their excellencies never inspired.  Indeed,
our young gentleman so successfully accommodated himself to the
disposition of each, that long before their review was finished,
he was become a particular favourite with both.

From the Palais Royal he accompanied them to the cloisters of the
Carthusian's, where they considered the History of St. Bruno, by
Le Sueur, whose name being utterly unknown to the painter, he gave
judgment against the whole composition, as pitiful and paltry;
though, in the opinion of all good judges, it is a most masterly

Having satisfied their curiosity in this place, Peregrine asked
them to favour him with their company at dinner; but whether out
of caution against the insinuations of one whose character they
did not know, or by reason of a prior engagement, they declined
his invitation on pretence of having an appointment at a certain
ordinary, though they expressed a desire of being further acquainted
with him; and Mr. Pallet took the freedom of asking his name,
which he not only declared, but promised, as they were strangers
in Paris, to wait upon them next day in the forenoon, in order to
conduct them to the Hotel de Toulouse, and the houses of several
other noblemen, remarkable for painting or curious furniture. They
thankfully embraced his proposal, and that same day made inquiry
among the English gentlemen about the character of our hero, which
they found so much to their satisfaction, that, upon their second
meeting, they courted his good graces without reserve; and as they
had heard of his intended departure, begged earnestly to have the
honour of accompanying him through the Low Countries. He assured
them that nothing could be more agreeable to him than the prospect
of having such fellow-travellers; and they immediately appointed
a day for setting out on that tour.


He introduces his new Friends to Mr. Jolter, with whom the Doctor
enters into a Dispute upon Government, which had well nigh terminated
in open War.

Meanwhile, he not only made them acquainted with everything worth
seeing in town but attended them in their excursions to all the
king's houses within a day's journey of Paris; and in the course
of these parties, treated them with an elegant dinner at his own
apartments, where a dispute arose between the doctor and Mr. Jolter,
which had well nigh terminated in an irreconcilable animosity. These
gentlemen, with an equal share of pride, pedantry, and saturnine
disposition, were, by the accidents of education and company,
diametrically opposite in political maxims; the one, as we have
already observed, being a bigoted high-churchman, and the other a
rank republican. It was an article of the governor's creed, that
the people could not be happy, nor the earth yield its fruits
in abundance, under a restricted clergy and limited government;
whereas, in the doctor's opinion, it was an eternal truth, that no
constitution was so perfect as the democracy, and that no country
could flourish but under the administration of the mob.

These considerations being premised, no wonder that they happened
to disagree in the freedom of an unreserved conversation, especially
as their entertainer took all opportunities of encouraging and
inflaming the contention. The first source of their difference was
an unlucky remark of the painter, who observed that the  partridge,
of which he was then eating, had the finest relish of any he had
ever tasted. His friend owned that the birds were the best of the
kind he had seen in France; but affirmed that they were neither
so plump nor delicious as those that were caught in England. The
governor, considering this observation as the effect of prejudice
and inexperience, said, with a sarcastic smile, "I believe, sir,
you are very well disposed to find everything here inferior to
the productions of your own country."--"True, sir," answered the
physician, with a certain solemnity of aspect, "and not without
good reason, I hope."--"And pray," resumed the tutor, "why may not
the partridges of France be as good as those of England?"--"For
a very plain reason," replied the other; "because they are not so
well fed.  The iron hand of oppression is extended to all animals
within the French dominions, even to the beasts of the field and
the fowls of the air; kunessin oionoisi te pasi."--"Egad!" cried
the painter, "that is a truth not to be controverted: for my own
part, I am none of your tit-bits, one would think; but yet there
is a freshness in the English complexion, a ginseekye, I think
you call it, so inviting to a hungry Frenchman, that I have caught
several in the very act of viewing me with an eye of extreme appetite,
as I passed; and as for their curs, or rather their wolves, whenever
I set eyes on one of 'em, Ah! your humble servant, Mr. son of a
b--, I am upon my guard in an instant. The doctor can testify that
their very horses, or more properly their live carrion, that drew
our chaise, used to reach back their long necks and smell at us,
as a couple of delicious morsels."

This sally of Mr. Pallet, which was received with a general laugh
of approbation, would in all probability, have stifled the dispute
in embryo, had not Mr. Jolter, with a self-applauding simper,
ironically complimented the strangers on their talking like true
Englishmen. The doctor, affronted at the insinuation, told him with
some warmth that he was mistaken in his conjecture, his affections
and ideas being confined to no particular country; for he considered
himself as a citizen of the world. He owned himself more attached
to England than to any other kingdom, but this preference was the
effect of reflection, and not of prejudice; the British constitution
approached nearer than any other to that perfection of government,
the democracy of Athens, he hoped one day to see revived; he mentioned
the death of Charles the First, and the expulsion of his son, with
raptures of applause; inveighed with great acrimony against the
kingly name; and, in order to strengthen his opinion, repeated
forty or fifty lines from one of the Philippics of Demosthenes.

Jolter, hearing him speak so disrespectfully of the higher powers,
glowed with indignation: he said his doctrines were detestable,
and destructive of all right, order, and society; that monarchy was
of divine institution, therefore indefeasible by any human power;
and of consequence those events in the English history, which he
had so liberally commended, were no other than flagrant instances
of sacrilege, perfidy, and sedition; that the democracy of Athens
was a most absurd constitution, productive of anarchy and mischief,
which must always happen when the government of a nation depends
upon the caprice of the ignorant, hair-brained vulgar; that it was
in the power of the most profligate member of the commonwealth,
provided he was endowed with eloquence, to ruin the most deserving,
by a desperate exertion of his talents upon the populace, who had
been often persuaded to act in the most ungrateful and imprudent
manner against the greatest patriots that their country had produced;
and, finally, he averred, that the liberal arts and sciences had
never flourished so much in a republic as under the encouragement
and protection of absolute power: witness the Augustan age, and
the reign of Louis the Fourteenth: nor was it to be supposed that
genius and merit could ever be so amply recompensed by the individuals
or distracted councils of a commonwealth, as by the generosity and
magnificence of one who had the whole treasury at his own command.

Peregrine, who was pleased to find the contest grow warm, observed
that there seemed to be a good deal of truth in what Mr. Jolter
advanced; and the painter whose opinion began to waver, looked with
a face of expectation at his friend, who, modelling his features
into an expression of exulting disdain, asked of his antagonist,
if he did not think that very power of rewarding merit enabled an
absolute prince to indulge himself in the most arbitrary license
over the lives and fortunes of his people? Before the governor had
time to answer this question, Pallet broke forth into an exclamation
of "By the Lord! that is certainly fact, egad! that was a home-thrust,
doctor." When Mr. Jolter, chastising this shallow intruder with a
contemptuous look, affirmed that, though supreme power furnished
a good prince with the means of exerting his virtues, it would not
support a tyrant in the exercise of cruelty and oppression; because
in all nations the genius of the people must be consulted by their
governors, and the burthen proportioned to the shoulders on which
it is laid. "Else, what follows?" said the physician. "The consequence
is plain," replied the governor, "insurrection, revolt, and his
own destruction; for it is not to be supposed that the subjects
of any nation would be so abject and pusillanimous as to neglect
the means which heaven hath put in their power for their own
preservation."--"Gadzooks, you're in the right, sir" cried Pallet;
"that, I grant you, must be confessed: doctor, I'm afraid we have
got into the wrong box." This son of Paean, however, far from being
of his friend's opinion, observed, with an air of triumph, that he
would not only demonstrate the sophistry of the gentleman's last
allegation by argument and facts, but even confute him with his own
words. Jolter's eyes kindling at this presumptuous declaration, he
told his antagonist, while his lip quivered with resentment, that
if his arguments were no better than his breeding, he was sure he
would make very few converts to his opinion; and the doctor, with
all the insolence of triumph, advised him to beware of disputes
for the future, until he should have made himself more master of
his subject.

Peregrine both wished and hoped to see the disputants proceed to
arguments of more weight and conviction; and the painter, dreading
the same issue, interposed with the usual exclamation of "For
God's sake, gentlemen;" when the governor rose from table in great
dudgeon, and left the room, muttering some ejaculation, of which
the word coxcomb only could be distinctly heard. The physician,
being thus left master of the field of battle, was complimented on
his victory by Peregrine, and so elevated by his success, that he
declaimed a full hour on the absurdity of Jolter's proposition, and
the beauty of the democratic administration; canvassed the whole
scheme of Plato's republic, with many quotations from that ideal
author, touching the to kalon: from thence he made a transition to
the moral sense of Shaftesbury, and concluded his harangue with the
greatest part of that frothy writer's rhapsody, which he repeated
with all the violence of enthusiastic agitation, to the unspeakable
satisfaction of his entertainer, and the unutterable admiration of
Pallet, who looked upon him as something supernatural and divine.

So intoxicated was this vain young man with the ironical praises
of Pickle, that he forthwith shook off all reserve; and having
professed a friendship for our hero, whose taste and learning he did
not fail to extol, intimated in plain terms, that he was the only
person, in these latter ages, who possessed that genius, that portion of
the divinity, or Ti Theion, which immortalized the Grecian poets:
that as Pythagoras affirmed the spirit of Euphorbus had transmigrated
into his body, he, the doctor, strangely possessed with the opinion
that he himself was inspired by the soul of Pindar; because, making
allowance for the difference of languages in which they wrote,
there was a surprising affinity between his own works and those of
that celebrated Theban; and as a confirmation of this truth, he
immediately produced a sample of each, which, though in spirit and
versification as different as the Odes of Horace  and our present
poet-laureat, Peregrine did not scruple to pronounce altogether
congenial, notwithstanding the violence he by this sentence offered
to his own conscience, and a certain alarm to his pride, that was
weak enough to be disturbed by the physician's ridiculous vanity
and presumption, which, not contented with displaying his importance
in the world of taste and polite literature, manifested itself in
arrogating certain material discoveries in the province of physic,
which could not fail to advance him to the highest pinnacle of that
profession, considering the recommendation of his other talents,
together with a liberal fortune which he inherited from his father.


The Doctor prepares an Entertainment in the Manner of the Ancients,
which is attended with divers ridiculous Circumstances.

In a word, our young gentleman, by his insinuating behaviour,
acquired the full confidence of the doctor, who invited him to
an entertainment, which he intended to prepare in the manner of
the ancients. Pickle, struck with this idea, eagerly embraced the
proposal, which he honoured with many encomiums, as a plan in all
respects worthy of his genius and apprehension; and the day was
appointed at some distance of time, that the treater might have
leisure to compose certain pickles and confections which were not
to be found among the culinary preparations of these degenerate days.
With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous,
and extracting from it the more diversion, Peregrine proposed that
some foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being
left to his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company
of a French marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he
knew to be egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance
the joy of the entertainment.

Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel
where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations
with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were
received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his
friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter,
the guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous
difficulties in the execution of his design; that no fewer than
five cooks had been dismissed, because they could not prevail upon
their own consciences to obey his directions in things that were
contrary to the present practice of their art; and that although
he had at last engaged a person, by an extraordinary premium, to
comply with his orders, the fellow was so astonished, mortified,
and incensed at the commands he had received, that his hair stood on
end, and he begged on his knees to be released from the agreement
he had made; but finding that his employer insisted upon the
performance of his contract, and threatened to introduce him to
the commissaire if he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in
the discharge of his office, wept, sang, cursed, and capered for
two whole hours without intermission.

While the company listened to this odd information, by which they
were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears
were invaded by a voice that exclaimed in French, "For the love
of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the
mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated
with the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made
acquainted with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of
his wrath, could not help complaining of the want of complaisance
he had found in the Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been
almost entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis, who
thought the honour of his nation was concerned at this declaration,
professed his sorrow for what had happened, so contrary to
the established character of the people, and undertook to see the
delinquents severely punished, provided he could be informed of
their names or places of abode.

The mutual compliments that passed on this occasion were scarce
finished, when a servant, coming into the room, announced dinner;
and the entertainer led the way into another apartment, where
they found a long table, or rather two boards joined together, and
furnished with a variety of dishes, the steams of which had such
evident effect upon the nerves of the company, that the marquis made
frightful grimaces, under pretence of taking snuff; the Italian's
eyes watered; the German's visage underwent several distortions
of features; our hero found means to exclude the odour from his
sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; and the
poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils with
tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person present, whose
organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches placed
on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry he
could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were
somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would
have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in
his respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would
place themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the
pleasure of serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which
the strangers had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them
in a most ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing
to each other, on pretence of disputing the lower seat, but in
reality with a view of profiting by the example of one another, for
neither of them understood the manner in which they were to loll;
and Peregrine, who enjoyed their confusion, handed the count to
the other side, where, with the most mischievous politeness, he
insisted upon his taking possession of the upper place.

In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continue acting
a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated
them to waive all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be
spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured,
Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand-side, laying
himself gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis,
in imitation of this pattern (though he would have much rather fasted
three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an
attitude), stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining
upon his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his
head raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his
hair might not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian,
being a thin limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle,
without sustaining any misfortune but that of his stocking being
torn by a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level
with the rest of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy
nor supple in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down
with such precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came
in furious contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished
every curl in a twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant,
descended upon the side of his couch, with such violence, that his
periwig was struck off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio.

The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely
vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was
obliged to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief in his
mouth; for the bare-headed German asked pardon with such ridiculous
confusion, and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful
complaisance, as were sufficient to awake the mirth of a quietist.

This misfortune being repaired as well as the circumstances of
the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the
arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to
give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company
might be directed in their choice: and with an air of infinite
satisfaction thus began: "This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose,
served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint,
rue, anchovies; I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one of
the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for
the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed
upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did
the tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had
almost forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at
all tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia
of the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops,
honey, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the other
is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then there is
a loin of veal boiled with fennel and caraway-seed, on a pottage
composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hachis of
the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a dish of
roasted pigeons. Monsieur le baron, shall I help you to a plate
of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of the
ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the
composition; while the marquis being asked by the painter which
of the silly-kickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire,
accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count,
in lieu of spoon-meat, of which he said he was no great admirer,
supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of
our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through
the whole course of the entertainment.

The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full
pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet,
his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary
contractions and dilatations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at
this connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he
himself would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these
motions, and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman
seemed to be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that
these were symptoms of ecstasy, and, for further confirmation, asked
the marquis how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty
that his complaisance could so far master his disgust as to enable
him to answer, "Altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the
painter being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to
his mouth without scruple, but far from justifying the eulogium of
his taster, when this precious composition diffused itself upon his
palate, he seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat
like the leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing
out at both sides of his mouth.

The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired
into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection,
and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning
brimstone, than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted,
the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that,
except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup
but some sal ammoniac instead of the ancient nitrum, which could
not now be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a
succedaneum was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate
petit-maitre, driven to the extremity of his condescension,
acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself
obliged, in point of honour, to evince his sentiments by his
practice, forced a few more mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion
down his throat, till his stomach was so much offended, that he
was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in the hurry of his
elevation, overturned his plate into the bosom of the baron. The
emergency of this occasion would not permit him to stay and make
apologies for his abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into another
apartment, where Pickle found him puking and crossing himself with
great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, being brought to the
door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, conjuring his friend
Pickle to make his peace with the company, and in particular excuse
him to the baron, on account of the violent fit of illness with
which he had been seized. It was not without reason that he employed
a mediator; for when our hero returned to the dining-room, the German
got up, and was under the hands of his own lacquey, who wiped the
grease from a rich embroidered waistcoat, while he, almost frantic
with his misfortune, stamped upon the ground, and in High Dutch
cursed the unlucky banquet, and the impertinent entertainer, who all
this time, with great deliberation, consoled him for the disaster,
by assuring him that the damage done might be repaired with some oil
of turpentine and a hot iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain
from laughing in his face, appeased his indignation by telling
him how much the whole company, and especially, the marquis, was
mortified at the accident; and the unhappy salacacabia being removed,
the places were filled with two pies, one of dormice liquored with
syrup of white poppies, which the doctor had substituted in the
room of toasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten with honey, as a dessert;
and the other composed of a hock of pork baked in honey.

Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up his
hands and eyes, and with signs of loathing and amazement, pronounced,
"A pie made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what
beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend checked him for
his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and recommended the
veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to
the company, that the baron resolved to imitate his example, after
having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which the physician, for his
sake, wished to have been the true wine of Falernum. The painter,
seeing nothing else upon the table which he would venture to touch,
made a merit of necessity, and had recourse to the veal also;
although he could not help saying that he would not give one slice
of the roast beef of Old England for all the dainties of a Roman
Emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations and assurances
could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hachis and the
goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in which he told
them were divers of those dishes, which among the ancients had
obtained the appellation of politeles, or magnificent. "That which
smokes in the middle," said he, "is a sow's stomach, filled with
a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, eggs, pepper, cloves,
garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and pickle. On the
right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just farrowed,
fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left
is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with milk. At that
end next Mr. Pallet are fritters of pompions, lovage, origanum,
and oil; and here are a couple of pullets roasted and stuffed in
the manner of Apicius."

The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of
the sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails
which had undergone purgation, he no sooner heard him mention the
roasted pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl;
upon which the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting
them up, and accordingly sent them round, while Pallet tucked the
table-cloth under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with
singular address: but scarce were they set down before him, when
the tears ran down his cheeks; and he called aloud, in a manifest
disorder, "Zounds! this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!"
That he might not, however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer,
he applied his instruments to one of the birds; and when he opened
up the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable
smells, that, without staying to disengage himself from the cloth,
he sprang away, with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved
the whole table in havoc, ruin, and confusion.

Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with the
syrup of the dormouse pie, which went to pieces in the general
wreck; and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's
stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon
his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked
with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect.

The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was
not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a
calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was
confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an
application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for
the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and
prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and
make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in
the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing
being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafoetida, and the sauce
consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead
of the celebrated garum of the Romans; that famous pickle having
been prepared sometimes of the scombri, which were a sort of
tunny-fish, and sometimes of the silurus, or shad-fish: nay, he
observed that there was a third kind, called garum haemation, made
of the guts, gills, and blood of the thynnus.

The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish
the order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had
been discomposed, ordered everything to be removed, a clean cloth
to be laid, and the dessert to be brought in. Meanwhile, he regretted
his incapacity to give them a specimen of the aliens, or fish meals
of the ancients, such as the jus diabaton, the conger-eel, which,
in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the cornuta, or gurnard,
described by Pliny in his Natural History, who says, the horns
of many of them were a foot and a half in length, the mullet and
lamprey, that were in the  highest estimation of old, of which last
Julius Caesar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He
observed that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace,
in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Maecenas was
invited by the epicure Nasidienus:--

Affertur squillas inter muraena natantes, etc.

and told them that they were commonly eaten with the thus Syriacum,
a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the purgative
nature of the fish. This learned physician gave them to understand,
that though this was reckoned a luxurious fish in the zenith of the
Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in point of expense, to
some preparations in vogue about the time of that absurd voluptuary
Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred ostriches to
be compounded in one illness.

By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not a
little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: butt what
the master of the feast valued himself upon, was a sort of jelly,
which he affirmed to be preferable to the hypotrimma of Hesychius,
being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to proper
consistence, and candied assafoetida, which he asserted, in
contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the
laser Syriacum, so precious, as to be sold among the ancients to
the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the
excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives,
which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed
very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they
had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance
of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went in
quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in another
apartment, and could not  be persuaded to re-enter the banqueting
room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from those
whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, our
young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands
with all air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing
himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his
Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child: but
was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the
honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of
nature in their presence.

When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was
forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by
his friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession:
so that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects
so piously to the bottle, that in a short time the Champagne produced
very evident effects in the behaviour of all present.


The Painter is persuaded to accompany Pickle to a Masquerade in
Woman's Apparel---Is engaged in a troublesome Adventure, and, with
his Companion, conveyed to the Bastille.

The painter, at the request of Pickle, who had a design upon
the count's sense of hearing, favoured the company with the song
of Bumper Squire Jones, which yielded infinite satisfaction to
the baron, but affected the delicate ears of the Italian in such
a manner, that his features expressed astonishment and disquiet;
and by his sudden and repeated journeys to the door, it plainly
appeared, that he was in the same predicament with those who, as
Shakespeare observes, "when the bagpipe sings in the nose, cannot
contain their urine for affection."

With a view, therefore, of vindicating music from such a barbarous
taste. Mr. Pallet had no sooner performed his task, than the count
honoured his friends with some favourite airs of his own country,
which he warbled with infinite grace and expression, though he had
not energy sufficient to engage the attention of the German, who
fell fast asleep upon his couch, and snored so loud, as to interrupt,
and totally annul, this ravishing entertainment; so that they were
fain to have recourse again to the glass, which made such innovation
upon the brain of the physician, that he sang divers odes of
Anacreon. to a tune of his own composing, and held forth upon the
music and recitative of the ancients with great erudition; while
Pallet, having found means to make the Italian acquainted with the
nature of his profession, harangued upon painting with wonderful
volubility, in a language which (it was well for his own credit)
the stranger did not understand.

At length the doctor was seized with such a qualm, that he begged
Peregrine to lead him to his chamber; and the baron, being waked,
retired with the count. Peregrine, being rendered frolicsome with
the wine he had drunk, proposed that he and Pallet should go to a
masquerade, which he recollected was to be given that night. The
painter did not want curiosity and inclination to accompany him, but
expressed his apprehension of losing him in the ball; an accident
which could not fail to be very disagreeable, as he was an utter
stranger to the language and the town. To obviate this objection,
the landlady, who was of their council, advised him to appear in
a woman's dress, which would lay his companion under the necessity
of attending him with more care, as he could not with decency detach
himself from the lady whom he should introduce; besides, such a
connection would hinder the ladies of pleasure from accosting and
employing their seducing arts upon a person already engaged.

Our young gentleman foreseeing the abundance of diversion in the
execution of this project, seconded the proposal with such importunity
and address, that the painter allowed himself to be habited in a
suit belonging to the landlady, who also procured for him a mask
and domino, while Pickle provided himself with a Spanish dress. In
this disguise, which they put on about eleven o'clock, did they,
attended by Pipes, set out in a fiacre for the ball-room, into which
Pickle led this supposititious female, to the astonishment of the
whole company, who had never seen such an uncouth figure in the
appearance of a woman.

After they had taken a view of all the remarkable masks, and the
painter had been treated with a of glass of liqueur, his mischievous
companion gave him the slip; and, vanishing in an instant, returned
with another mask and a domino over his habit, that he might enjoy
Pallet's perplexity, and be at hand to protect him from insult.
The poor painter, having lost his guide, was almost distracted with
anxiety, and stalked about the room, in quest of him, with such
huge strides and oddity of gesture, that he was followed by a whole
multitude, who gazed at him as a preternatural phenomenon. This
attendance increased his uneasiness to such a degree, that he could
not help uttering a soliloquy aloud, in which he cursed his fate
for having depended upon the promise of such a wag; and swore, that
if once he was clear of this scrape, he would not bring himself
into such a premunire again for the whole kingdom of France.

Divers petit-maitres, understanding the mask was a foreigner, who
in all probability could not speak French, made up to him in their
turns, in order to display their wit and address, and teased him
with several arch questions, to which he made no other reply than
"No parly Francy. D-- your chattering! Go about your business,
can't ye." Among the masks was a nobleman, who began to be very
free with the supposed lady, and attempted to plunge his hand into
her bosom: hut the painter was too modest to suffer such indecent
treatment; and when the gallant repeated his efforts in a manner
still more indelicate, lent him such a box on the ear, as made the
lights dance before him, and created such a suspicion of Pallet's
sex, that the Frenchman swore he was either a male or a hermaphrodite,
and insisted upon a scrutiny, for the sake of his own honour,
with such obstinacy of resentment, that the nymph was in imminent
danger, not only of being exposed, but also undergoing severe
chastisement, for having made so free with the prince's ear; when
Peregrine, who saw and overheard everything that passed, thought
it was high time to interpose; and accordingly asserted his
pretensions to the insulted lady, who was overjoyed at this proof
of his protection.

The affronted gallant persevered in demanding to know who she was,
and our hero as strenuously refused to give him that satisfaction:
so that high words ensued; and the prince threatening to punish
his insolence, the young gentleman, who was not supposed to know
his quality, pointed to the place where his own sword used to hang,
and, snapping his fingers in his face, laid hold on the painter's
arm, and led him to another part of the room, leaving his antagonist
to the meditations of his own revenge.

Pallet, having chid his conductor for his barbarous desertion, made
him acquainted with the difficulty in which he had been involved;
and flatly telling him he would not put it in his power to give him
the slip again, held fast by his arm during the remaining part of
the entertainment, to the no small diversion of the company, whose
attention was altogether engrossed in the contemplation of such
an awkward, ungainly, stalking apparition. At last Pickle, being
tired of exhibiting this raree-show, complied with the repeated
desires of his companion, and handed her into the coach; which he
himself had no sooner entered, than they were surrounded by a file
of musqueteers, commanded by an exempt, who, ordering the coach-door
to be opened, took his place with great deliberation, while one of
his detachment mounted the box, in order to direct the driver.

Peregrine at once conceived the meaning of this arrest, and it
was well for him that he had no weapon wherewith to stand upon his
defence; for such was the impetuosity and rashness of his temper,
that, had he been armed, he would have run all risks rather than
surrender himself to any odds whatever; but Pallet, imagining that
the officer was some gentleman who had mistaken their carriage for
his own, desired his friend to undeceive the stranger; and when he
was informed of the real state of their condition, his knees began
to shake, his teeth to chatter, and he uttered a most doleful
lamentation, importing his fear of being carried to some hideous
dungeon of the Bastille, where he should spend the rest of his
days in misery and horror, and never see the light of God's sun,
nor the face of a friend; but perish in a foreign land, far removed
from his family and connexions. Pickle d--d him for his pusillanimity;
and the exempt hearing a lady bemoan herself so piteously, expressed
his mortification at being the instrument of giving her such pain,
and endeavoured to console them by representing the lenity of the
French government, and the singular generosity of the prince, by
whose order they were apprehended.

Peregrine, whose discretion seemed to forsake him on all such
occasions, exclaimed, with great bitterness, against the arbitrary
administration of France, and inveighed, with many expressions
of contempt, against the character of the offended prince, whose
resentment, far from being noble, he mid, was pitiful, ungenerous,
and unjust. To this remonstrance the officer made no reply, but
shrugged up his shoulders in silent astonishment at the hardiesse
of the prisoner; and the fiacre was just on the point of setting
out, when they heard the noise of a scuffle at the back of the
coach, and the voice of Tom Pipes pronouncing, "I'll be d--d if I
do." This trusty attendant had been desired by one of the guards to
descend from his station in the rear; but as he resolved to share
his master's fate, he took no notice of their entreaties, until they
were seconded by force; and that he endeavoured to repeal with his
heel, which he applied with such energy to the jaws of the soldier,
who first came in contact with him, that they emitted a crashing sound
like a dried walnut between the grinders of a Templar in the pit.
Exasperated at this outrage, the other saluted Tom's posteriors with
his bayonet, which incommoded him so much that he could no longer
keep his post, but, leaping upon the ground, gave his antagonist
a chuck under the chin, and laid him upon his back, then skipping
over him with infinite agility, absconded among the crowd of coaches,
till he saw the guard mount before and behind upon his master's
fiacre, which no sooner set forward, than he  followed at a small
distance, to reconnoitre the place where Peregrine should be
confined. After having proceeded slowly through many windings and
turnings to a part of Paris, in which Pipes was an utter stranger,
the coach stopped at a great gate, with a wicket in the middle,
which, being opened at the approach of the carriage, the prisoners
were admitted; and, the guard returning with the fiacre, Tom
determined to watch in that place all night, that, in the morning,
he might make such observations as might be conducive to the
enlargement of his master.


By the Fidelity of Pipes, Jolter is informed of his Pupil's
fate--Confers with the Physician--Applies to the Ambassador, who,
with great difficulty, obtains the Discharge of the Prisoners on
certain Conditions.

This plan he executed, notwithstanding the pain of his wound, and
the questions of the city-guard, both horse and foot, to which he
could make no other answer than "Anglais, anglais;" and as soon as
it was light, taking an accurate survey of the castle (for such it
seemed to be) into which Peregrine and Pallet had been conveyed,
together with its situation in respect to the river, he went home
to the lodgings, and, waking Mr. Jolter, gave him an account of
the adventure. The governor wrung his hands in the utmost grief and
consternation when he heard this unfortunate piece of news: he did
not doubt that his pupil was imprisoned in the Bastille for life;
and, in the anguish of his apprehension, cursed the day on which
he had undertaken to superintend the conduct of such an imprudent
young man, who had, by reiterated insults, provoked the vengeance
of such a mild, forbearing administration. That he might not,
however, neglect any means in his power to extricate him from his
present misfortune, he despatched Thomas to the doctor, with an
account of his companion's fate, that they might join their interest
in behalf of the captives; and the physician, being informed of
what had happened, immediately dressed himself, and repaired to
Jolter, whom he accosted in these words:--

"Now, sir, I hope you are convinced of your error in asserting
that oppression can never be the effect of arbitrary power. Such
a calamity as this could never have happened under the Athenian
democracy: nay, even when the tyrant Pisistratus got possession of
that commonwealth, he durst not venture to rule with such absolute
and unjust dominion. You shall see now that Mr. Pickle and my
friend Pallet will fall a sacrifice to the tyranny of lawless power;
and, in my opinion, we shall be accessory to the ruin of this poor
enslaved people if we bestir ourselves in demanding or imploring
the release of our unhappy countrymen; as we may thereby prevent the
commission of a flagrant crime, which would fill up the vengeance
of Heaven against the perpetrators, and perhaps be the means of
restoring the whole nation to the unspeakable fruition of freedom.
For my own part, I should rejoice to see the blood of my father
spilt in such a glorious cause, provided such a victim would furnish
me with the opportunity of dissolving the chains of slavery, and
vindicating that liberty which is the birthright of man. Then would
my name be immortalised among the patriot heroes of antiquity, and
my memory, like that of Harmodius and Aristogiton, be honoured by
statues erected at the public expense."

This rhapsody, which was delivered with great emphasis and agitation,
gave so much offence to Jolter, that, without saying one word,
he retired in great wrath to his own chamber; and the republican
returned to his lodging, in full hope of his prognostic being
verified in the death and destruction of Peregrine and the painter,
which must give rise to some renowned revolution, wherein he himself
would act a principal part. But the governor whose imagination was
not quite so warm and prolific, went directly to the ambassador,
whom he informed of his pupil's situation, and besought to interpose
with the French ministry, that he and the other British subject
might obtain their liberty.

His excellency asked, if Jolter could guess at the cause of his
imprisonment, that he might be the better prepared to vindicate or
excuse his conduct: but neither he nor Pipes could give the smallest
hint of intelligence on that subject; though he furnished himself
from Tom's own mouth with a circumstantial account of the manner in
which his master had been arrested, as well as of his own behaviour,
and the disaster he had received on that occasion. His lordship
never doubted that Pickle had brought this calamity upon himself
by some unlucky prank he had played at the masquerade; when
he understood that the young gentleman had drunk freely in the
afternoon, and been so whimsical as to go thither with a man in
woman's apparel; and he that same day waited on the French minister,
in full confidence of obtaining his discharge; but met with more
difficulty than he expected, the court of France being extremely
punctilious in everything that concerns a prince of the blood: the
ambassador was therefore obliged to talk in very high terms; and,
though the present circumstances of the French politics would not
allow them to fall out with the British administration for trifles,
all the favour he could procure was to promise that Pickle should
L set at liberty, provided he would ask pardon of the prince to
whom he bad given offence.

His excellency thought this was but a reasonable condescension,
supposing Peregrine to have been in the wrong; and Jolter was
admitted to him in order to communicate and reinforce his lordship's
advice, which was, that he comply with the terms proposed.
The governor, who did not enter this gloomy fortress without fear
and trembling, found his pupil in a dismal apartment, void of all
furniture but a stool and a truckle-bed. The moment he was admitted,
he perceived the youth whistling with great unconcern, and working
with his pencil at the bare wall, on which he had delineated a
ludicrous figure labelled with the name of the nobleman, whom he had
affronted, and an English mastiff with his leg lifted up, in the
attitude of making water in his shoe. He had been even so presumptuous
as to explain the device with satirical inscriptions in the French
language, which, when Jolter perused, his hair stood on end with
affright. The very turnkey was confounded and overawed by the boldness
of his behaviour, which he had never seen matched by any inhabitant
of that place; and actually joined his friend in persuading him to
submit to the easy demand of the minister. But our hero, far from
embracing the counsel of this advocate, handed him to the door with
great ceremony, and dismissed him with a kick on the breeches; and,
to all the supplications, and even tears of Jolter, made no other
reply than that he would stoop to no condescension, because he had
committed no crime, but would leave his case to the cognisance and
exertion of the British court, whose duty it was to see justice done
to its own subjects: he desired, however, that Pallet, who was
confined in another place, might avail himself of his own disposition,
which was sufficiently pliable; but when the governor desired to
see his fellow-prisoner, the turnkey gave him to understand that
he had received no orders relating to the lady, and therefore could
not admit him into her apartment; though he was complaisant enough
to tell him that she seemed very much mortified at her confinement,
and at certain times behaved as if her brain was not a little

Jolter, thus baffled in all his endeavours, quitted the Bastille
with a heavy heart, and reported his fruitless negotiation to the
ambassador, who could not help breaking forth into some acrimonious
expressions against the obstinacy and insolence of the young man,
who, he said, deserved to suffer for his folly. Nevertheless, he
did not desist from his representations to the French ministry,
which he found so unyielding, that he was obliged to threaten, in
plain terms, to make it a national concern; and not only wrote to
his court for instructions, but even advised the council to make
reprisals, and send some French gentleman in London to the Tower.

This intimation had an effect upon the ministry at Versailles, who,
rather than run the risk of incensing a people whom it was neither
their interest nor inclination to disoblige, consented to discharge
the offenders, on condition that they should leave Paris in three
days after their enlargement. This proposal was readily agreed to
by Peregrine, who was now a little more tractable, and heartily
tired of being cooped up in such an uncomfortable abode, for the
space of three long days, without any sort of communication or
entertainment but that which his own imagination suggested.


Peregrine makes himself Merry at the Expense of the Painter, who
curses his Landlady, and breaks with the Doctor.

As he could easily conceive the situation of his companion in
adversity, he was unwilling to leave the place until he had reaped
some diversion from his distress, and with that view repaired to
the dungeon of the afflicted painter, to which he had by this time
free access. When he entered, the first object that presented itself
to his eye was so uncommonly ridiculous, that he could scarce
preserve that gravity of countenance which he had affected in order
to execute the joke he had planned. The forlorn Pallet sat upright
in his bed in a deshabille that was altogether extraordinary. He
had laid aside his monstrous hoop, together with his stays, gown,
and petticoat, wrapped his lappets about his head by way of nightcap,
and wore his domino as a loose morning-dress; his grizzled locks
hung down about his lack-lustre eyes and tawny neck, in all the
disorder of negligence; his gray beard bristled about half-an-inch
through the remains of the paint with which his visage had been
bedaubed, and every feature of his face was lengthened to the most
ridiculous expression of grief and dismay.

Seeing Peregrine come in, he started up in a sort of frantic ecstasy,
and, running towards him with open arms, no sooner perceived the
woeful appearance into which our hero had modelled his physiognomy,
than he stopped short all of a sudden, and the joy which had begun
to take possession of his heart was in a moment dispelled by the
most rueful presages; so that he stood in a most ludicrous posture
of dejection, like a malefactor at the Old Bailey, when sentence
is about to be pronounced. Pickle, taking him by the hand, heaved
a profound sigh; and after having protested that he was extremely
mortified at being pitched upon as the messenger of bad news, told
him, with an air of sympathy and infinite concern, that the French
court, having discovered his sex, had resolved, in consideration
of the outrageous indignity he offered in public to a prince of
the blood, to detain him in the Bastille a prisoner for life; and
that this sentence was a mitigation obtained by the importunities
of the British ambassador, the punishment ordained by law being no
other than breaking alive upon the wheel.

These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to such a
degree that he roared aloud, and skipped about the room in all the
extravagance of distraction, taking God and man to witness, that
he would rather suffer immediate death than endure one year's
imprisonment in such a hideous place; and cursing the hour of his
birth, and the moment on which he departed from his own country.
"For my own part," said his tormentor, in a hypocritical tone,
"I was obliged to swallow the bitter pill of making submission
to the prince, who, as I had not presumed to strike him, received
acknowledgments, in consequence of which I shall be this day set
at liberty; and there is even one expedient left for the recovery
of your freedom--it is, I own, a disagreeable remedy, but one had
better undergo a little mortification than be for ever wretched.
Besides, upon second thoughts, I begin to imagine that you will
not for such a trifle sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors
of a dungeon; especially as your condescension will in all probability
be attended with advantages which you could not otherwise enjoy."
Pallet, interrupting him with great eagerness, begged for the love
of God that he would no longer keep him in the torture of suspense,
but mention that same remedy, which he was resolved to follow, let
it be ever so unpalatable.

Peregrine, having thus played upon his passions of fear and hope,
answered, "that as the offence was committed in the habit of a
woman, which was a disguise unworthy of the other sex, the French
court was of opinion that the delinquent should be reduced to the
neuter gender; so that there was no alternative at his own option,
by which he had it in his power to regain immediate freedom."--"What!"
cried the painter, in despair, "become a singer? Gadzooks!  and
the devil and all that! I'll rather be still where I am, and let
myself be devoured by vermin." Then thrusting out his throat--"Here
is my windpipe," said he; "be so good, my dear friend, as to give
it a slice or two: if you don't, I shall one of these days be
found dangling in my garters. What an unfortunate rascal I am! What
a blockhead, and a beast, and a fool, was I to trust myself among
such a barbarous ruffian race! Lord forgive you, Mr. Pickle, for
having been the immediate cause of my disaster. If you had stood
by me from the beginning, according to your promise, I should not
have been teased by that coxcomb who has brought me to this pass.
And why did I put on this d--d unlucky dress? Lord curse that
chattering Jezebel of a landlady, who advised such a preposterous
disguise!--a disguise which has not only brought me to this pass,
but also rendered me abominable to myself, and frightful to others;
for when I this morning signified to the turnkey that I wanted to
be shaved, he looked at my beard with astonishment, and, crossing
himself, muttered his Pater Noster, believing me, I suppose, to
be a witch, or something worse. And Heaven confound that loathsome
banquet of the ancients, which provoked me to drink too freely,
that I might wash away the taste of that accursed sillikicaby."

Our young gentleman, having heard this lamentation to an end,
excused himself for his conduct by representing that he could not
possibly foresee the disagreeable consequences that attended it;
and in the mean time strenuously counselled him to submit to the
terms of his enlargement. He observed that he was now arrived at
that time of life when the lusts of the flesh should be entirely
mortified within him, and his greatest concern ought to be the of
his soul, to which nothing could more effectually contribute than
the amputation which was proposed; that his body, as well as his
mind, would profit by the change; because he would have no dangerous
appetite to gratify, and no carnal thoughts to divert him from the
duties of his profession; and his voice, which was naturally sweet,
would improve to such a degree, that he would captivate the ears
of all the people of fashion and taste, and in a little time be
celebrated under the appellation of the English Senesino.

These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the painter,
who nevertheless started two objections to his compliance; namely,
the disgrace of the punishment, and the dread of his wife. Pickle
undertook to obviate these difficulties, by assuring him that the
sentence would be executed so privately as never to transpire: and
that his wife could not be so unconscionable, after so many years
of cohabitation, as to take exceptions to an expedient by which
she would not only enjoy the conversation of her husband, but even
the fruits of those talents which the knife would so remarkably

Pallet shook his hand at this last remonstrance, as if he thought
it would not  be altogether convincing to his spouse, but yielded
to the proposal, provided her consent could be obtained. Just as
he signified this condescension, the jailer entered, and addressing
himself to the supposed lady, expressed his satisfaction in having
the honour to tell her that she was no longer a prisoner. As the
painter did not understand one word of what he said, Peregrine
undertook the office of interpreter, and made his friend believe the
jailer's speech was no other than an intimation that the ministry
had sent a surgeon to execute what was proposed, and that the
instruments and dressings were prepared in the next room. Alarmed
and terrified at this sudden appointment, he flew to the other end
of the room, and, snatching up an earthen chamber-pot, which was
the only offensive weapon in the place, put himself in a posture
of defence, and with many oaths threatened to try the temper of
the barber's skull, if he should presume to set his nose within
the apartment.

The jailer, who little expected such a reception, concluded that
the poor gentlewoman had actually lost her wits, and retreated with
precipitation, leaving the door open as he went out; upon which
Pickle, gathering up the particulars of his dress with great
despatch, crammed them into Pallet's arms, and taking notice that
now the coast was clear, exhorted him to follow his footsteps
to the gate, where a hackney-coach stood for his reception. There
being no time for hesitation, the painter took his advice; and,
without quitting the utensil, which in his hurry he forgot to lay
down, sallied out in the rear of our hero, with all the wildness
of terror and impatience which may be reasonably supposed to take
possession of a man who flies from perpetual imprisonment. Such
was the tumult of his agitation, that his faculty of thinking
was for the present utterly overwhelmed, and he saw no object but
his conductor, whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse,
without regarding the keepers and sentinels, who, as he passed with
his clothes under one arm, and his chamber-pot brandished above his
head, were confounded, and even dismayed, at the strange apparition.

During the whole course of this irruption, he ceased nor to cry,
with great vociferation, "Drive, coachman, drive, in the name of
God!" and the carriage had proceeded the length of a whole street
before he manifested the least sign of reflection, but stared like
the Gorgon's head, with his mouth wide open, and each particular
hair crawling and twining like an animated serpent. At length,
however, he began to recover the use of his senses, and asked if
Peregrine thought him now out of all danger of being retaken. This
unrelenting wag, not yet satisfied with the affliction he imposed
upon the sufferer, answered, with an air of doubt and concern,
that he hoped they would not be overtaken, and prayed to God they
might not be retarded by a stop of carriages. Pallet fervently joined
in this supplication; and they advanced a few yards farther, when
the noise of a coach at full speed behind them invaded their ears;
and Pickle, having looked out of the window, withdrew his head in
seeming confusion, and exclaimed, "Lord have mercy upon us! I wish
that may not be a guard sent after us. Methinks I saw the muzzle
of a fusil sticking out of the coach." The painter, hearing these
tidings, that instant thrust himself half out at the window, with
his helmet still in his hand, bellowing to the coachman, as loud
as he could roar, "Drive, d-- ye, dive to the gates of Jericho and
the ends of the earth! Drive, you ragamuffin, you rascallion, you
hell-hound! Drive us to the pit Of hell, rather than we should be

Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the curiosity of
the people, who ran to their doors and windows, in order to behold
this object of admiration. With the same view, that coach, which
was supposed to be in pursuit of him, stopped just as the windows
of each happened to be opposite; and Pallet, looking behind, and
seeing three men standing upon the footboard armed with canes, which
his fear converted into fusils, never doubted that his friend's
suspicion was just, but, shaking his Jordan at the imaginary guard,
swore he would sooner die than part with his precious ware. The
owner of the coach, who was a nobleman of the first quality, mistook
him for some unhappy woman deprived of her senses: and, ordering
his coachman to proceed, convinced the fugitive, to his infinite
joy, that this was no more than a false alarm. He was not, for all
that, freed from anxiety and trepidation; but our young gentleman,
fearing his brain would not bear a repetition of the same joke,
permitted him to gain his own lodgings without further molestation.

His landlady, meeting him on the stair, was so affected at his
appearance, that she screamed aloud, and betook herself to flight;
while he, cursing her with greet bitterness, rushed into the
apartment to the doctor, who, instead of receiving him with cordial
embraces, and congratulating him upon his deliverance, gave evident
signs of umbrage and discontent; and even plainly told him, he
hoped to have heard that he and Mr. Pickle had acted the glorious
part of Cato; an event which would have laid the foundation of such
noble struggles, as could not fail to end in happiness and freedom;
and that he had already made some progress in an ode that would
have immortalised their names, and inspired the flame of liberty in
every honest breast. "There," said he, "I would have proved, that
great talents, and high sentiments of liberty, do reciprocally
produce and assist each other; and illustrated my assertions with
such notes and quotations from the Greek writers, as would have
opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking, and touched the
most callous and obdurate heart. 'O fool! to think the man, whose
ample mind must grasp whatever yonder stars survey'--Pray, Mr.
Pellet, what is your opinion of that image of the mind's grasping
the whole universe? For my own part, I can't help thinking it the
most happy conception that ever entered my imagination."

The painter, who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the cause of
liberty, could not brook the doctor's reflections, which he thought
savoured a little too much of indifference and deficiency in point
of private friendship; and therefore seized the present opportunity
of mortifying his pride, by observing, that the image was, without
all doubt, very grand and magnificent; but that he had been obliged
for the idea to Mr. Bayes in "The Rehearsal," who values himself
upon the same figure, conveyed in these words, "But all these clouds,
when by the eye of reason grasp'd, etc." Upon any other occasion,
the painter would have triumphed greatly upon this detection;
but such was the flutter and confusion of his spirits, under the
apprehension of being retaken, that, without further communication,
he retreated to his own room, in order to resume his own dress,
which he hoped would alter his appearance in such a manner as to
baffle all search and examination; while the physician remained
ashamed and abashed, to find himself convinced of bombast by a
person of such contemptible talents. He was offended at this proof
of his memory, and so much enraged at his presumption in exhibiting
it, that he could never forgive his want of reverence, and took
every opportunity of exposing his ignorance and folly in the sequel.
Indeed, the ties of private affection were too weak to engage the
heart of this republican, whose zeal for the community had entirely
swallowed up his concern for individuals. He looked upon particular
friendship as a passion unworthy of his ample soul, and was
a professed admirer of L. Manlius, Junius Brutus, and those later
patriots of the same name, who shut their ears against the cries
of nature, and resisted all the dictates of gratitude and humanity.


Pallet conceives a hearty Contempt for his Fellow-traveller, and
attaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless, persecutes him with
his mischievous Talent upon the Road to Flanders.

In the mean time, his companion, having employed divers pailfuls
of water in cleansing himself from the squalor of jail, submitted
his face to the barber, tinged his eye-brows with a sable hue, and,
being dressed in his own clothes, ventured to visit Peregrine, who
was still under the hands of his valet-de-chambre, and who gave
him to understand that his escape had been connived at, and that
the condition of their deliverance was their departure from Paris
in three days.

The painter was transported with joy, when he learned that he ran
no risk of being retaken, and, far from repining at the terms of his
enlargement, would have willingly set out on his return to England
that same afternoon; for the Bastille had made such an impression
upon him, that he started at the sound of every coach, and turned
pale at the sight of a French soldier. In the fulness of his heart,
he complained of the doctor's indifference, and related what
had passed at their meeting with evident marks of resentment and
disrespect; which were not at all diminished, when Jolter informed
him of the physician's behaviour when he sent for him, to confer
about the means of abridging their confinement. Pickle himself was
incensed at his want of bowels; and, perceiving how much he had
sank in the opinion of his fellow-traveller, resolved to encourage
these sentiments of disgust, and occasionally foment the division
to a downright quarrel, which he foresaw would produce some diversion,
and perhaps expose the poet's character in such a light, as would
effectually punish him for his arrogance and barbarity. With this
view, he leveled several satirical jokes at the doctor's pedantry
and want of taste, which had appeared so conspicuous in the quotation
he had got by heart, from ancient authors; in his affected disdain
of the best pictures of the world, which, had he been endowed with
the least share of discernment, he could not have beheld with such
insensibility; and, lastly, in his ridiculous banquet, which none
but an egregious coxcomb, devoid of all elegance and sense, would
have prepared, or presented to rational beings. In a word, our
young gentleman played the artillery of his wit against him with
such success, that the painter seemed to wake from a dream, and went
home with the most hearty contempt for the person he had formerly

Instead of using the privilege of a friend, to enter his apartment
without ceremony, he sent in his servant with a message, importing,
that he intended to set out from Paris the next day, in company
with Mr. Pickle; and desiring to know whether or not he was, or
would be, prepared for the journey. The doctor, struck with the
manner as well as the matter of this intimation, went immediately
to Pallet's room and demanded to know the cause of such a sudden
determination without his privity or concurrence; and when he
understood the necessity of their affairs, rather than travel by
himself, he ordered his baggage to be packed up, and signified his
readiness to conform to the emergency of the case; though he was
not at all pleased with the cavalier behaviour of Pallet, to whom
he threw out some hints on his own importance, and the immensity
of his condescension in favouring him with such marks of regard.
But by this time these insinuations had lost their effect upon the
painter who told him, with an arch sneer, that he did not at all
question his learning and abilities, and particularly his skill in
cookery, which he should never forget while his palate retained its
function; but nevertheless advised him, for the sake of the degenerate
eaters of these days, to spare a little of his sal ammoniac in
the next sillykicaby he should prepare; and abate somewhat of the
devil's dung, which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted
fowls, unless he had a mind to convert his guests into patients, with
a view of licking himself whole for the expense of the entertainment.

The physician, nettled at these sarcasms, eyed him with a look of
indignation and disdain; and, being, unwilling to express himself
in English, lest, in the course of the altercation, Pallet should be
so much irritated as to depart without him, he vented his anger in
Greek. The painter, though by the sound he supposed this quotation
to be Greek, complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the
Welsh language, and found means to rally him quite out of temper;
so that he retired to his own chamber in the utmost wrath and
mortification, and left his antagonist exulting over the victory
he had won.

While these things passed between these originals, Peregrine waited
upon the ambassador, whom he thanked for his kind interposition,
acknowledging the indiscretion of his own conduct with such appearance
of conviction and promises of reformation, that his excellency
freely forgave him for all the trouble he had been put to on his
account, fortified him with sensible advices and, assuring him of
his continual favour and friendship, gave him at parting, letters
of introduction to several persons of quality belonging to the
British court.

Thus distinguished, our young gentleman took leave of all his
French acquaintance, and spent the evening with some of those who
had enjoyed the greatest share of his intimacy and confidence;
while Jolter superintended his domestic concerns, and with infinite
joy bespoke a post-chaise and horse, in order to convey him from
a place where he lived in continual apprehension of suffering by
the dangerous disposition of his pupil. Everything being adjusted
according to their plan, they and their fellow-travellers next
day dined together, and about four in the afternoon took their
departure in two chaises, escorted by the valet-de-chambre, Pipes,
and the doctor's lacquey on horseback, well furnished with arms
and ammunition, in case of being attacked by robbers on the road.

It was about eleven o'clock at night when they arrived at Senlis,
which was the place at which they proposed to lodge, and where they
were obliged to knock up the people of the inn, before they could
have their supper prepared. All the provision in the house was but
barely sufficient to furnish one indifferent meal: however, the
painter consoled himself for the quantity with the quality of the
dishes, one of which was a fricassee of rabbit, a preparation that
he valued above all the dainties that ever smoked upon the table
of the sumptuous Heliogabalus.

He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect, than our hero,
who almost incessantly laying traps for diversion at his neighbour's
expense, laid hold on the declaration; and, recollecting the story
of Scipio and the muleteer in Gil Blas, resolved to perpetrate a
joke upon the stomach of Pallet, which seemed well disposed to a
hearty supper. He, accordingly, digested his plan; and the company
being seated at table, affected to stare with peculiar eagerness
at the painter, who had helped himself to a large portion of the
fricassee, and began to swallow it with infinite relish. Pallet,
notwithstanding the keenness of his appetite, could not help
taking notice of Pickle's demeanour; and, making a short pause in
the exercise of his grinders, "You are surprised," said he, "to
see me make so much despatch; but I was extremely hungry, and this
is one of the best fricassees I ever tasted: the French are very
expert in these dishes, that I must allow; and, upon my conscience,
I would never desire to eat a more delicate rabbit than this that
lies upon my plate."

Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium, than the repetition
of the word rabbit, with a note of admiration, and such a significant
shake of the head, as effectually alarmed the other, who instantly
suspended the action of his jaws, and, with the morsel half chewed
in his mouth, stared round him with a certain stolidity of apprehension,
which is easier conceived than described; until his eyes encountered
the countenance of Thomas Pipes, who, being instructed, and posted
opposite to him for the occasion, exhibited an arch grin, that
completed the painter's disorder. Afraid of swallowing his mouthful,
and ashamed to dispose of it any other way, he sat some time in
a most distressed state of suspense; and being questioned by Mr.
Jolter touching his calamity, made a violent effort of the muscles
of his gullet, which with difficulty performed their office; and
then, with great confusion and concern, asked if Mr. Pickle suspected
the rabbit's identity. The young gentleman, assuming a mysterious
air, pretended ignorance of the matter, observing that he was apt
to suspect all dishes of that kind, since he had been informed of
the tricks which were commonly played at inns in France, Italy,
and Spain; and recounted three passage in Gil Blas, which. we have
hinted it above, saying, he did not pretend to be a connoisseur
in animals, but the legs of the creature which composed that diet
which composed the fricassee, did not, in his opinion, resemble
those of the rabbits he had usually seen. This observation had an
evident effect upon the features of the painter, who, with certain
signs of loathing and astonishment, exclaimed, "Lord Jesus!"
and appealed to Pipes for the discovery of the truth by asking if
he knew anything of the affair. Tom very gravely replied, "he did
suppose the food was wholesome enough, for he had seen the skin and
feet of a special ram-cat, new flayed, hanging upon the door of a
small pantry adjoining to the kitchen."

Before this sentence was uttered, Pallet's belly seemed to move
in contact with his back-bone, his colour changed, no part but the
whites of his eyes were to be seen, he dropped his lower jaw, and,
fixing his hands in his sides, retched with such convulsive agonies,
as amazed and disconcerted the whole company: and what augmented
his disorder, was the tenacious retention of the stomach, which
absolutely refused to part with its contents, notwithstanding all
the energy of his abhorrence, which threw him into a cold sweat,
and almost into a swoon.

Pickle, alarmed at his condition, assured him it was a genuine
rabbit, and that he had tutored Pipes to say otherwise for the joke's
sake. But this confession he considered as a friendly artifice of
Pickle's compassion, and therefore it had little effect upon his
constitution. By the assistance, however, of a large bumper of
brandy, his spirits were recruited, and his recollection so far
recovered, that he was able to declare, with divers contortions of
face, that the dish had a rankness of taste, which he had imparted
partly to the nature of the French covey, and partly to the composition
of their sauces; then he inveighed against the infamous practices
of French publicans, attributing such imposition to their oppressive
government, which kept them so necessitous, that they were tempted
to exercise all manner of knavery upon their unwary guests.

Jolter, who could not find in his heart to let slip any opportunity
of speaking in favour of the French, told him, that he was a very
great stranger to their police; else he would know, that if, upon
information to the magistrate, it should appear that any traveller,
native or foreigner, had been imposed upon or ill-treated by a
publican, the offender would be immediately obliged to shut up his
house; and, if his behaviour had been notorious, he himself would
be sent to the galleys, without the least hesitation: "and as for
the dish which has been made the occasion of your present disorder,"
said he, "I will take upon me to affirm it was prepared of a genuine
rabbit, which was skinned in my presence; and, in confirmation of
what I assert, though such fricassees are not the favourites of my
taste, I will eat a part of this without scruple."

So saying, he swallowed several mouthfuls of the questioned coney,
and Pallet seemed to eye it again with inclination; nay, he even
resumed his knife and fork; and being just on the point of applying
them, was seized with another qualm of apprehension, that broke
out in an exclamation of, "After all, Mr. Jolter, if it should be
a real ram-cat? Lord have mercy upon me! here is one of the claws."
With these words he presented the tip of a toe, of which Pipes had
snipped off five or six from a duck that was roasted, and purposely
scattered them in the fricassee: and the governor could not behold
this testimonial without symptoms of uneasiness and remorse; so
that he and the painter sat silenced and abashed, and made faces
at each other, while the physician, who hated them both, exulted
over their affliction, bidding them be of good cheer, and proceed
with their meal; for he was ready to demonstrate, that the flesh of
a cat was as nourishing and delicious as veal or mutton, provided
they could prove that the said cat was not of the boar kind, and
had fed chiefly on vegetable diet, or even confined its carnivorous
appetite to rats and mice, which he affirmed to be dainties of
exquisite taste and flavour. He said, it was a vulgar mistake to
think that all flesh-devouring creatures were unfit to be eaten:
witness the consumption of swine and ducks, animals that delight
in carriage as well as fish, and prey upon each other, and feed on
bait and carrion; together with the demand for bear, of which the
best hams in the world are made. He then observed that the negroes
on the coast of Guinea, who are healthy and vigorous people, prefer
cats and dogs to all other fare; and mentioned. from history several
sieges, during which the inhabitants, who were blocked up, lived
upon these animals, and had recourse even to human flesh, which,
to his certain knowledge, was in all respects preferable to pork;
for, in the course of his studies, he had, for the experiment's
sake, eaten a steak cut from the buttock of a person who had been

This dissertation, far from composing, increased the disquiet in
the stomachs of the governor and painter, who, hearing the last
illustration, turned their eyes upon the orator, at the same instant,
with looks of horror and disgust; and the one muttering the term
"cannibal," and the other pronouncing the word "abomination," they
rose from table in a great hurry, and. running towards another
apartment, jostled with such violence in the passage, that both
were overturned by the shock, which also contributed to the effect
of their nausea that mutually defiled them as they lay.


Nor is the Physician sacred from his Ridicule--They reach Arras,
where our Adventurer engages in Play with two French Officers,
who, next Morning, give the Landlord an interesting Proof of their

The doctor remained sullen and dejected during the whole journey:
not but that he attempted to recover his importance by haranguing
upon the Roman highways, when Mr. Jolter desired the company to
take notice of the fine pavement upon which they travelled from
Paris into Flanders; but Pallet, who thought he had now gained the
ascendency over the physician, exerted himself in maintaining the
superiority he had acquired, by venting various sarcasms upon his
self-conceit and affectation of learning, and even tittering puns
and conundrums upon the remarks which the republican retailed.
When he talked of the Flaminian Way, the painter questioned if it
was a better pavement than the Fleminian Way on which they travelled:
and the doctor having observed, that this road was made for the
convenience of drawing the French artillery into Flanders, which
was often the seat of war, his competitor in wit replied, with
infinite vivacity, "There are more great guns than the French king
knows of drawn along this causeway, doctor."

Encouraged by the success of these efforts, which tickled the imagination
of Jolter, and drew smiles (as he imagined) of approbation from
our hero, he sported in many other equivoques of the same nature;
and at dinner, told the physician, that he was like the root of
the tongue, as being cursedly down in the mouth.

By this time, such was the animosity subsisting between these
quondam friends, that they never conversed together, except with
a view of exposing each other to the ridicule or contempt of their
fellow-travellers. The doctor was at great pains to point out the
folly and ignorance of Pallet in private to Peregrine, who was often
conjured in the same manner by the painter, to take notice of the
physician's want of manners and taste. Pickle pretended to acquiesce
in the truth of their mutual severity, which, indeed, was extremely
just; and. by malicious insinuations blew up their contention, with
a view of bringing it to open hostility. But both seemed so averse
to deeds of mortal purpose, that for a long time his arts were
baffled, and he could not spirit them up to any pitch of resentment
higher than scurrilous repartee.

Before they reached Arras, the city gates were shut, so that they
were obliged to take up their lodgings at an indifferent house
in the suburbs, where they found a couple of French officers, who
had also rode post from Paris so far on their way to Lisle. These
gentlemen were about the age of thirty, and their deportment
distinguished by such an air of insolence, as disgusted our hero,
who, nevertheless, accosted them politely in the yard, and proposed
that they should sup together. They thanked him for the honour
of his invitation, which, however, they declined upon pretence of
having ordered something for themselves; but promised to wait upon
him and his company immediately after their repast.

This they accordingly performed; and, after having drunk a few glasses
of Burgundy, one of them asked, if the young gentleman would, for
pastime, take a hand at quadrille. Peregrine easily divined the
meaning of this proposal, which was made with no other view than
that of fleecing him and his fellow-travellers; for he well knew
to what shifts a subaltern in the French service is reduced, in
order to maintain the appearance of a gentleman, and had reason to
believe that most of them were sharpers from their youth: but, as
he depended a good deal upon his own penetration and address, he
gratified the stranger's desire; and a party was instantly formed
of the painter, the physician, the proposer, and himself, the other
officer having professed himself utterly ignorant of the game; in
the course of the play, he took his station at the back of Pickle's
chair, which was opposite to his friend, on pretence of amusing
himself with seeing his manner of conducting the cards. The youth
was not such a novice but that he perceived the design of this
palpable piece of behaviour, which, notwithstanding, he overlooked
for the present, with a view of flattering their hopes in the
beginning, that they might be the more effectually punished by
their disappointment in the end.

The game was scarce begun, when, by the reflection of a glass, he
discerned the officer at his back making signs to his companion,
who, by preconcerted gestures, was perfectly informed of the contents
of Peregrine's hand, and, of consequence, fortunate in the course
of play. Thus they were allowed to enjoy the fruits of their
dexterity, until their money amounted to some louis; when our young
gentleman, thinking it high time to do himself justice, signified
in very polite terms to the gentleman who stood behind him, that he
could never play with ease and deliberation when he was overlooked
by any bystander, and begged that he would have the goodness to be

As this was a remonstrance which the stranger could not, with my show
of breeding, resist, he asked pardon, and retired to the chair of
the physician, who frankly told him, that it was not the fashion of
his country for one to submit his hand to the perusal of a spectator;
and when, in consequence of this rebuff, he wanted to quarter himself
upon the painter, he was refused by a wave of the hand, and shake
of the head, with an exclamation of pardonnez moi; which was repeated
with such emphasis, as discomposed this effrontery; and he found
himself obliged to sit down in a state of mortification.

The odds being thus removed, fortune proceeded in her usual channel;
and though the Frenchman, deprived of his ally, endeavoured to
practise divers strokes of finesse, the rest of the company observed
him with such vigilance and caution, as baffled all his attempts,
and in a very little time he was compelled to part with his winning:
but, having engaged in the match with an intention of taking all
advantages, whether fair or unfair, that his superior skill should
give him over the Englishman, the money was not refunded without a
thousand disputes, in the course of which he essayed to intimidate
his antagonist with high words, which were retorted by our hero
with such interest as convinced him that he had mistaken his man,
and persuaded him to make his retreat in quiet. Indeed, it was
not without cause that they repined at the bad success of their
enterprise; because, in all likelihood, they had nothing to depend
upon for the present but their own industry, and knew not how to
defray their expenses on the road, except by some acquisition of
this kind.

Next morning they rose at daybreak, and resolving to anticipate
their fellow-lodgers, bespoke post-horses as soon as they could be
admitted into the city; so that, when our company appeared, their
beasts were ready in the yard, and they only waited to discuss the
bill, which they had ordered to be made out. The landlord of the
inn presented his carte with fear and trembling to one of those
ferocious cavaliers, who no sooner cast his eye upon the sum total,
than he discharged a volley of dreadful oaths, and asked if the
king's officers were to be treated in that manner? The poor publican
protested, with great humility, that he had the utmost respect for
his majesty, and everything that belonged to him; and that, far
from consulting his own interest, all that he desired was, to be
barely indemnified for the expense of their lodging.

This condescension seemed to have no other effect than that of
encouraging their arrogance. They swore his extortion should be
explained to the commandant of the town, who would, by making him
a public example, teach other innkeepers how to behave towards men
of honour; and threatened with such confidence of indignation, that
the wretched landlord, dreading the consequence of their wrath,
implored pardon in the most abject manner, begging, with many
supplications, that he might have the pleasure of lodging them at
his own charge.  This was a favour which he with great difficulty
obtained: they chid him severely for his imposition; exhorted
him to have more regard for his own conscience, as well as to the
convenience of his guests; and, cautioning him in particular touching
his behaviour to the gentlemen of the army, mounted their horses,
and rode off in great state, leaving him very thankful for having
so successfully appeased the choler of two officers, who wanted
either inclination or ability to pay their bill; for experience had
taught him to be apprehensive of all such travellers, who commonly
lay the landlord under contribution, by way of atonement for
the extravagance of his demands, even after he has professed his
willingness to entertain them on their own terms.


Peregrine moralizes upon their Behaviour, which is condemned by
the Doctor, and defended by the Governor--They arrive in safety
at Lisle, dine at an Ordinary, visit the Citadel--The Physician
quarrels with a North Briton, who is put in Arrest.

These honourable adventurers being gone, Peregrine, who was present
during the transaction, informed himself of the particulars from
the mouth of the innkeeper himself, who took Heaven and the saints
to witness, that he should have been a loser by their custom, even
if the bill had been paid: because he was on his guard against
their objections, and had charged every article at an under price:
but such was the authority of officers in France, that he durst
not dispute the least circumstance of their will; for, had the case
come under the cognizance of the magistrate, he must, in course,
have suffered by the maxims of their government, which never fail
to abet the oppression of the army; and, besides, run the risk of
incurring their future resentment, which would be sufficient to
ruin him from top to bottom.

Our hero boiled with indignation at this instance of injustice and
arbitrary power; and, turning to his governor, asked, if this too
was a proof of the happiness enjoyed by the French people. Jolter
replied, that every human constitution must, in some things,
be imperfect and owned, that in this kingdom, gentlemen were more
countenanced than the vulgar, because it was to be presumed that
their own sentiments of honour and superior qualifications would
entitle them to this pre-eminence, which had also a retrospective
view to the merit of their ancestors, in consideration of which
they were at first ennobled; but he affirmed, that the innkeeper
had misrepresented the magistracy, which, in France, never failed
to punish flagrant outrages and abuse, without respect of persons.

The painter approved of the wisdom of the French government, in
bridling the insolence of the mob, by which, he assured them, he
had often suffered in his own person; having been often bespattered
by hackney-coachmen, jostled by draymen and porters, and reviled
in the most opprobrious terms by the watermen of London, where he
had once lost his bag and a considerable quantity of hair, which
had been cut off by some rascal in his passage through Ludgate,
during the Lord Mayor's procession. On the other hand, the doctor
with great warmth alleged, that those officers ought to suffer
death, or banishment at least, for having plundered the people in
this manner, which was so impudent and barefaced, as plainly to
prove they were certain of escaping with impunity, and that they
were old offenders in the same degree of delinquency. He said, that
the greatest man in Athens would have been condemned to perpetual
exile, and seen his estate confiscated for public use, had he dared
in such a licentious manner to violate the rights of a fellow-citizen;
and as for the little affronts to which a man may be subject from
the petulance of the multitude, he looked upon them as glorious
indications of liberty, which ought not to be repressed, and would
at any time rejoice to find himself overthrown in a kennel by the
insolence of a son of freedom, even though the fall should cost him
a limb; adding, by way of illustration, that the greatest pleasure
he ever enjoyed was in seeing a dustman wilfully overturn a
gentleman's coach, in which two ladies were bruised, even to the
danger of their lives. Pallet, shocked at the extravagance of this
declaration, "If that be the case," said he, "I wish you may see
every bone in your body broke by the first carman you meet in the
streets of London."

This argument being discussed, and the reckoning discharged without
any deduction, although the landlord, in stating the articles, had
an eye to the loss he had sustained by his own countrymen, they
departed from Arras, and arrived in safety at Lisle, about two
o'clock in the afternoon.

They had scarce taken possession of their lodgings, in a large hotel
in the Grande Place, when the innkeeper gave them to understand,
that he kept an ordinary below, which was frequented by several
English gentlemen who resided in town, and that dinner was then
set upon the table. Peregrine, who seized all opportunities of
observing new characters, persuaded his company to dine in public;
and they were accordingly conducted to the place, where they found
a mixture of Scotch and Dutch officers, who had come from Holland
to learn their exercises at the academy, and some gentlemen in the
French service, who were upon garrison duty in the citadel. Among
these last was a person about the age of fifty, of a remarkably
genteel air and polite address, dignified with a Maltese cross, and
distinguished by the particular veneration of all those who knew
him. When he understood that Pickle and his friends were travellers,
he accosted the youth in English, which he spoke tolerably well;
and, as they were strangers, offered to attend them in the afternoon
to all the places worth seeing in Lisle. Our hero thanked him for
his excess of politeness, which, he said, was peculiar to the French
nation; and, struck with his engaging appearance, industriously
courted his conversation, in the course of which he learned that
this chevalier was a man of good sense and great experience, that
he was perfectly well acquainted with the greatest part of Europe,
had lived some years in England, and was no stranger to the
constitution and genius of that people.

Having dined, and drunk to the healths of the English and French
kings, two fiacres were called, in one of which the knight, with one
of his companions, the governor, and Peregrine seated themselves,
the other being occupied by the physician, Pallet, and two Scottish
officers, who proposed to accompany them in their circuit. The
first place they visited was the citadel, round the ramparts of
which they walked, under the conduct of the knight, who explained
with great accuracy the intention of every particular fortification
belonging to that seemingly impregnable fortress; and, when they
had satisfied their curiosity, took coach again, in order to view
the arsenal, which stands in another quarter of the town; but,
just as Pickle's carriage had crossed the promenade, he heard his
own name bawled aloud by the painter; and, ordering the fiacre to
stop, saw Pallet, with one half of his body thrust out at the window
of the other coach, crying, with a terrified look, "Mr. Pickle, Mr.
Pickle, the for the love of God halt, and prevent bloodshed, else
here will be carnage and cutting of throats." Peregrine, surprised
at this exclamation, immediately alighted, and, advancing to the
other vehicle, found one of their military companions standing
upon the ground, at the farther side of the coach, with his sword
drawn, and fury in his countenance; and the physician, with a
quivering lip, and haggard aspect, struggling with the other, who
had interposed in the quarrel, and detained him in his place.

Our young gentleman, upon inquiry, found that this animosity had
sprung from a dispute that happened upon the ramparts, touching
the strength of the fortification, which the doctor, according to
custom, undervalued, because it was a modern work; saying, that
by the help of the military engines used among the ancients, and a
few thousands of pioneers, he would engage to take it in less than
ten days after he should sit down before it. The North Briton, who
was as great a pedant as the physician, having studied fortification,
and made himself master of Caesar's Commentaries and Polybius,
with the observations of Folard, affirmed, that all the methods of
besieging practised by the ancients would be utterly ineffectual
against such a plan as that of the citadel of Lisle; and began to
compare the vineae, aggeres, arietes, scorpiones, and catapultae of
the Romans, with the trenches, mines, batteries, and mortars used
in the present art of war. The republican, finding himself attacked
upon what he thought his strong side, summoned all his learning
to his aid; and, describing the famous siege of Plateae, happened
to misquote a passage of Thucydides, in which he was corrected by
the other, who, having been educated for the church, was also a
connoisseur in the Greek language. The doctor, incensed at being
detected in such a blunder in the presence of Pallet, who, he knew,
would promulgate his shame, told the officer, with great arrogance,
that his objection was frivolous, and that he must not  pretend to
dispute on these matters with one who had considered them with the
utmost accuracy and care. His antagonist, piqued at this supercilious
insinuation, replied with great heat, that for aught he knew, the
doctor might be a very expert apothecary, but that in the art of
war, and knowledge of the Greek tongue, he was no other than an
ignorant pretender.

This asseveration produced an answer full of virulence, including
a national reflection upon the soldier's country; and the contention
rose to mutual abuse, when it was suppressed by the admonitions
of the other two, who begged they would not expose themselves in
a strange place, but behave themselves like fellow-subjects and
friends. They accordingly ceased reviling each other, and the affair
was seemingly forgot; but after they had resumed their places in
the coach, the painter unfortunately asked the meaning of the word
tortise, which he had heard them mention among the Roman implements
of war. This question was answered by the physician, who described
the nature of this expedient so little to the satisfaction of
the officer, that he contradicted him flatly in the midst of his
explanation; a circumstance which provoked the republican to such
a degree, that, in the temerity of his passion, he uttered the
epithet, "impertinent scoundrel;" which vas no sooner pronounced
than the Caledonian made manual application to his nose, and,
leaping out of the coach, stood waiting for him on the plain; while
he, the physician, made feeble efforts to join him, being easily
retained by the other soldier; and Pallet, dreading the consequence
in which he himself might be involved, bellowed aloud for prevention.

Our hero endeavoured to quiet the commotion by representing to the
Scot that he had already taken satisfaction for the injury he had
received, and telling the doctor that he had deserved the chastisement
which was inflicted upon him; but the officer, encouraged perhaps
by the confusion of his antagonist, insisted upon his asking pardon
for what he had said; and the doctor, believing himself under the
protection of his friend Pickle, far from agreeing to such concession,
breathed nothing but defiance and revenge; so that the chevalier,
in order to prevent mischief, put the soldier under arrest, and sent
him to his lodgings, under the care of the other French gentleman
and his own companion; they being also accompanied by Mr. Jolter,
who, having formerly seen all the curiosities of Lisle, willingly
surrendered his place to the physician.


Pickle engages with a Knight of Malta, in a Conversation upon the
English Stage, which is followed by a Dissertation on the Theatres
of the Ancients, by the Doctor.

The rest of the company proceeded to the arsenal, which having
viewed, together with some remarkable churches, they, in their
return, went to the comedy, and saw the Cid of Corneille tolerably
well represented. In consequence of this entertainment, the discourse
at supper turned upon dramatic performances; and all the objections
of Monsieur Scudery to the piece they had seen acted, together with
the decision of the French Academy, were canvassed and discussed.
The knight was a man of letters and taste, and particularly well
acquainted with the state of the English stage; so that when the
painter boldly pronounced sentence against the French manner of
acting, on the strength of having frequented a Covent Garden club
of critics, and been often admitted, by virtue of an order, into
the pit; a comparison immediately ensued, not between the authors,
but the actors of both nations, to whom the chevalier and Peregrine
were no strangers. Our hero, like a good Englishman, made no scruple
of giving the preference to the performers of his own country, who,
he alleged, obeyed the genuine impulses of nature, in exhibiting the
passions of the human mind; and entered so warmly into the spirit
of their several parts, that they often fancied themselves the
very heroes they represented; whereas, the action of the Parisian
players, even in their most interesting characters, was generally
such an extravagance in voice and gesture, as is nowhere to be
observed but on the stage. To illustrate this assertion, he availed
himself of his talent, and mimicked the manner and voice of all
the principal performers, male and female, belonging to the French
comedy, to the admiration of the chevalier, who, having complimented
him upon this surprising modulation, begged leave to dissent in
some particulars from the opinion he had avowed.

"That you have good actors in England," said he, "it would be unjust
and absurd in me to deny; your theatre is adorned by one woman,
whose sensibility and sweetness of voice is such as I have never
observed on any other stage; she has besides, an elegance of person
and expression of features, that wonderfully adapt her for the most
engaging characters of your best plays; and I must freely own that
I have been as highly delighted and as deeply affected by a Monimia
and Belvidera at London, as ever I was by Cornelia and Cleopatra
at Paris. Your favourite actor is a surprising genius. You can,
moreover, boast of several comic actors who are perfect masters
of buffoonery and grimace; though, to be free with you, I think in
these qualifications you are excelled by the players of Amsterdam.
Yet one of your graciosos I cannot admire, in all the characters he
assumes. His utterance is a continual sing-song, like the chanting
of vespers; and his action resembles that of heaving ballast into
the hold of a ship. In his outward deportment he seems to have
confounded the ideas of insolence and the dignity of mien; acts the
crafty cool, designing Crookback, as a loud, shallow, blustering
Hector; in the character of the mild patriot Brutus, loses all
temper and decorum; nay, so ridiculous is the behaviour of him and
Cassius at their interview, that, setting foot to foot, and grinning
at each other, with the aspect of two cobblers engaged, they thrust
their left sides together, with repeated shoots, that the hilts of
their swords may clash for the entertainment of the audience; as
if they were a couple of merry andrews, endeavouring to raise the
laugh of the vulgar, on some scaffold of Bartholomew Fair. The
despair of a great man, who falls a victim to the infernal practices
of a subtle traitor who enjoyed his confidence, this English Aesopus
represents, by beating his own forehead, and beating like a bull;
and, indeed, in almost all his most interesting scenes, performs
such strange shakings of the head, and other antic gesticulations,
that when I first saw him act, I imagined the poor man laboured
under the paralytical disorder, which is known by the name of St.
Vitus's dance. In short, he seems to be a stranger to the more
refined sensations of the soul, consequently his expression is of
the vulgar kind, and he must often sink under the idea of the poet;
so that he has recourse to such violence of affected agitation, as
imposes upon the undiscerning spectator; but to the eye of taste,
evinces him a mere player of that class whom your admired Shakespeare
justly compares to Nature's journeyman tearing a passion to rags.
Yet this man, in spite of all these absurdities, is an admirable
Falstaff, exhibits the character of the eighth Henry to the life,
is reasonably applauded in the Plain Dealer, excels in the part
of Sir John Brute, and would be equal to many humorous situations
in low comedy, which his pride will not allow him to undertake.
I should not have been so severe upon this actor, had I not seen
him extolled by his partisans with the most ridiculous and fulsome
manifestations of praise, even in those very circumstances wherein
(as I have observed) he chiefly failed."

Peregrine, not a little piqued to hear the qualifications of
such a celebrated actor in England treated with such freedom and
disrespect, answered, with some asperity, that the chevalier was
a true critic, more industrious in observing the blemishes than in
acknowledging the excellence of those who fell under his examination.

It was not to be supposed that one actor could shine equally in
all characters; and though his observations were undoubtedly very
judicious, he himself could not help wondering that some of them
had always escaped his notice, though he had been an assiduous
frequenter of the playhouse. "The player in question," said he, "has,
in your own opinion, considerable share of merit in the characters
of comic life; and as to the manners of the great personages
in tragedy, and the operation of the grand passions of the soul,
I apprehend they may be variously represented, according to the
various complexion and cultivation of different men, A Spaniard,
for example, though impelled by the same passion, will express
it very differently from a Frenchman; and what is looked upon as
graceful vivacity and address by the one, would be considered as
impertinence and foppery by the other; nay, so opposite is your
common deportment from that of some other nations, that one of our
own countrymen, in the relation of his travels, observes, that the
Persians even of this age, when they see any man perform unnecessary
gestures, says he is either a fool or Frenchman.  The standard
of demeanour being thus unsettled, a Turk, a Moor, an Indian, or
inhabitant of my country whose customs and dress are widely different
from ours, may, in his sentiments, possess all the dignity of the
human heart, and be inspired by the noblest passion that animates
the soul, and yet excite the laughter rather than the respect of
an European spectator.

"When I first beheld your famous Parisian stage heroine in one
of her principal parts, her attitudes seemed so violent, and she
tossed her arms around with such extravagance, that she put me in
mind of a windmill under the agitation of a hard gale; while her
voice and features exhibited the lively representation of an English
scold.  The action of your favourite male performer was, in my
opinion, equally unnatural: he appeared with the affected airs of
a dancing-master; at the most pathetic junctures of his fate he
lifted up his hands above his head, like a tumbler going to vault,
and spoke as if his throat had been obstructed by a hair-brush:
yet, when I compared their manners with those of the people before
whom they performed, and made allowance for that exaggeration
which obtains on all theatres, I was insensibly reconciled to their
method of performance, and I could distinguish abundance of merit
beneath that oddity of appearance."

The chevalier, perceiving Peregrine a little irritated at what he
had said, asked pardon for the liberty he had taken in censuring
the English players; assuring him that he had an infinite veneration
for the British learning, genius, and taste, which were so justly
distinguished in the world of letters; and that, notwithstanding
the severity of his criticism, he thought the theatre of London
much better supplied with actors than that of Paris. The young
gentleman thanked him for his polite condescension, at which Pallet
excited, saying, with a shake of the head, "I believe so, too,
Monsieur;" and the physician, impatient of the dispute in which
he had borne no share, observed, with a supercilious air, that the
modern stage was altogether beneath one who had an idea of ancient
magnificence and execution; that plays ought to be exhibited at the
expense of the state, as those of Sophocles were by the Athenians;
and that proper judges should be appointed for receiving or rejecting
all such performances as are offered to the public.

He then described the theatre at Rome, which contained eighty
thousand spectators; gave them a learned disquisition into the
nature of the persona, or mask, worn by the Roman actors, which,
he said, was a machine that covered the whole head, furnished on
the inside with a brazen concavity, that, by reverberating, the
sound, as it issued from the mouth, raised the voice, so as to
render it audible to such an extended audience. He explained the
difference between the saltator and declamator, one of whom acted,
while the other rehearsed the part; and from thence took occasion
to mention the perfection of their pantomimes, who were so amazingly
distinct in the exercise of their art, that a certain prince of
Pontus, being at the court of Nero, and seeing one of them represent
a story, begged him of the emperor, in order to employ him as
an interpreter among barbarous nations, whose language he did not
understand. Nay, divers cynic philosophers, who had condemned this
entertainment unseen, when they chanced to be eye-witnesses of
their admirable dexterity, expressed their sorrow for having so
long debarred themselves of such national enjoyment.

He dissented, however, from the opinion of Peregrine, who, as a
proof of their excellence, had advanced that some of the English
actors fancied themselves the very thing they represented; and
recounted a story from Lucian, of a certain celebrated pantomime,
who, in, acting the part of Ajax in his frenzy, was transported
into a real fit of delirium, during which he tore to pieces the
clothes of that actor who stalked before him, beating the stage with
iron shoes, in order to increase the noise; snatched an instrument
from one of the musicians, and broke it over the head of him who
represented Ulysses; and, running to the consular bench, mistook
a couple of senators for the sheep which were to be slain. The
audience applauded him to the skies: but so conscious was the mimic
of his own extravagance when he recovered the use of his reason,
that he actually fell sick with mortification; and being afterwards
desired to re-act the piece, flatly refused to appear in any such
character, saying that the shortest follies were the best, and that
it was sufficient for him to have been a madman once in his life.


An Adventure happens to Pipes, in consequence of which he is
dismissed from Peregrine's Service--The whole Company set out for
Ghent, in the Diligence--Our Hero is captivated by a Lady in that
Carriage--Interests her spiritual Director in his behalf.

The doctor being fairly engaged on the subject of the ancients,
would have proceeded the Lord knows how far, without hesitation,
had not he been interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Jolter, who, in
great confusion, told them that Pipes, having affronted a soldier,
was then surrounded in the street, and certainly would be put to
death if some person of authority did not immediately interpose in
his behalf.

Peregrine no sooner learned the danger of his trusty squire, than,
snatching up his sword, he ran down-stairs, and was followed by the
chevalier, entreating him to leave the affair to his management.
Within ten yards of the door they found Tom, with his back to a wall,
defending himself with a mopstick against the assault of three or
four soldiers, who, at sight of the Maltese cross, desisted from
the attack, and were taken into custody by order of the knight.
One of the aggressors, being an Irishman, begged to be heard with
great importunity before he should be sent to the guard; and, by
the mediation of Pickle, was accordingly brought into the hotel
with his companions, all three bearing upon their heads and faces
evident marks of their adversary's prowess and dexterity. The spokesman,
being confronted with Pipes, informed the company that, having by
accident met with Mr. Pipes, whom he considered as his countryman,
though fortune had disposed of them in different services, he
invited him to drink a glass of wine, and accordingly carried him
to a cabaret, where he introduced him to his comrades; but in the
course of the conversation, which turned upon the power and greatness
of the kings of France and England, Mr. Pipes had been pleased to
treat his most Christian Majesty with great disrespect; and when
he, the entertainer, expostulated with him in a friendly manner
about his impolite behaviour, observing, that he, being in the
French service, would be under the necessity of resenting his abuse
if he did not put a stop to it before the other gentlemen of the
cloth should comprehend his meaning; he had set them all three at
defiance, dishonoured him in particular with the opprobrious epithet
of rebel to his native king and country, and even drunk, in broken
French, to the perdition of Louis and all his adherents; that,
compelled by this outrageous conduct, he, as the person who had
recommended him to their society, had, in vindication of his own
character, demanded of the delinquent, who, on pretence of fetching
a sword, had gone to his lodging, from whence he all of a sudden
sallied upon them with the mopstick, which he employed in the
annoyance of them all without distinction, so that they were obliged
to draw in their own defence.

Pipes, being questioned by his master with regard to the truth of
this account, owned that every circumstance was justly represented;
saying, he did not value their cheese-toasters a pinch of oakum;
and that if the gentleman had not shot in betwixt them, he would
have trimmed them to such a tune, that they should not have had
a whole yard to square. Peregrine reprimanded him sharply for his
unmannerly behaviour, and insisted upon his asking pardon of those
he had injured upon the spot: but no consideration was efficacious
enough to produce such concession; to this command he was both
deaf and dumb; and the repeated threats of his master had no more
effect than if they had been addressed to a marble statue. At
length, our hero, incensed at his obstinacy, started up, and would
have chastised him with manual operation, had not he been prevented
by the chevalier, who found means to moderate his indignation so
far that he contented himself with dismissing the offender from his
service; and after having obtained the discharge of the prisoners,
gave them a louis to drink, by way of recompense for the disgrace
and damage they had sustained.

The knight, perceiving our young gentleman very much ruffled at
this accident, and reflecting upon the extraordinary deportment
and appearance of his valet, whose hair had by this time adopted
a grizzled hue, imagined he was some favourite domestic, who had
grown gray in the service of his master's family, and that, of
consequence, he was uneasy at the sacrifice he had made. Swayed by
this conjecture, he earnestly solicited in his behalf; but all he
could obtain, was a promise of re-admitting him into favour on the
terms already proposed, or at least on condition that he should
make his acknowledgment to the chevalier, for his want of reverence
and respect for the French monarch.

Upon this condescension the culprit was called up-stairs, and made
acquainted with the mitigation of his fate; upon which he said,
he would down on his marrow-bones to his own master, but would be
d--d before he would ask pardon of e'er a Frenchman in Christendom.
Pickle, exasperated at this blunt declaration, ordered him out of
his presence, and charged him never to appear before his face again;
while the officer in vain employed all his influence and address
to appease his resentment, and about midnight took his leave with
marks of mortification at his want of success.

Next day the company agreed to travel through Flanders in the
diligence, by the advice of Peregrine, who was not without hope
of meeting with some adventure or amusement in that carriage; and
Jolter took care to secure places for them all; it being resolved
that the valet-de-chambre and the doctor's man should attend the
vehicle on horseback; and as for the forlorn Pipes, he was left to
reap the fruits of his own stubborn disposition, notwithstanding
the united efforts of the whole triumvirate, who endeavoured to
procure his pardon.

Every previous measure being thus taken, they set out from Lisle
about six in the morning, and found themselves in the company of
a female adventurer, a very handsome young lady, a Capuchin, and a
Rotterdam Jew. Our young gentleman, being the first of this society
that entered, surveyed the stranger with an attentive eye, and
seated himself immediately behind the beautiful unknown, who at
once attracted his attention. Pallet, seeing another lady unengaged,
in imitation of his friend, took possession of her neighbourhood;
the physician paired with the priest, and Jolter sat down by the

The machine had not proceeded many furlongs, when Pickle, accosting
the fair incognita, congratulated himself upon his happiness, in
being the fellow-traveller of so charming a lady. She, without the
least reserve or affectation, thanked him for his compliment; and
replied, with a sprightly air, that now they were embarked in one
common bottom, they must club their endeavours to make one another
as happy as the nature of their situation would permit them to be.
Encouraged by this frank intimation, and captivated by her fine
black eyes and easy behaviour, he attached himself to her from
that moment; and, in a little time, the conversation became so
particular, that the Capuchin thought proper to interfere in the
discourse in such a manner as gave the youth to understand that
he was there on purpose to superintend her conduct. He was doubly
rejoiced at this discovery, in consequence of which he hoped to
profit in his addresses, not only by the young lady's restraint,
that never fails to operate in behalf of the lover, but also by the
corruptibility of her guardian, whom he did not doubt of rendering
propitious to his cause. Flushed with these expectations, he behaved
with uncommon complacency to the father, who was charmed with the
affability of his carriage, and on the faith of his generosity
abated of his vigilance so much, that our hero carried on his suit
without further molestation; while the painter, in signs and loud
bursts of laughter, conversed with his dulcinea, who was perfectly
well versed in these simple expressions of satisfaction, and had
already found means to make a dangerous invasion upon his heart.

Nor were the governor and physician unemployed, while their
friends interested themselves in this agreeable manner. Jolter no
sooner perceived the Hollander was a Jew, than he entered into an
investigation of the Hebrew tongue, in which he was a connoisseur;
and the doctor at the same time attacked the mendicant on the
ridiculous maxims of his order, together with the impositions of
priestcraft in general, which, he observed, prevailed so much among
those who profess the Roman Catholic religion.

Thus coupled, each committee enjoyed their own conversation apart,
without any danger of encroachment; and all were so intent upon
their several topics, that they scarce allowed themselves a small
interval in viewing the desolation of Menin, as they passed through
that ruined frontier. About twelve o'clock they arrived at Courtray,
where the horses are always changed, and the company halt an hour
for refreshment. Here Peregrine handed his charmer into an apartment,
where she was joined by the other lady; and on pretence of seeing
some of the churches in town, put himself under the direction of the
Capuchin, from whom he learned that the lady was wife to a French
gentleman, to whom she had been married about a year, and that she
was now on her journey to visit her mother, who lived in Brussels,
and was at that time laboured under a lingering distemper, which,
in all probability, would soon put a period to her life. He
then launched out in praise of her daughter's virtue and conjugal
affection; and, lastly, told him, that he was her father-confessor,
and pitched upon to be her conductor through Flanders, by her
husband, as well as his wife, placed the utmost confidence in his
prudence and integrity.

Pickle easily comprehended the meaning of this insinuation, and
took the hint accordingly. He tickled the priest's vanity with
extraordinary encomiums upon the disinterested principles of his
order, which were detached from all worldly pursuits, and altogether
devoted to the eternal salvation of mankind. He applauded their
patience, humility, and learning, and lavished a world of praise
upon their talent in preaching, which, he said, had more than once
operated so powerfully upon him, that had he not been restrained
by certain considerations which he could not possibly waive, he
should have embraced their tenets, and begged admission into their
fraternity: but, as the circumstances of his fate would not permit
him to take such a salutary measure for the present, he entreated
the good father to accept a small token of his love and respect,
for the benefit of that convent to which he belonged. So saying.
he pulled out a purse of ten guineas, which the Capuchin observing,
turned his head another way, and, lifting up his arm, displayed
a pocket almost as high as his collar-bone, in which he deposited
the money.

This proof of affection for the order produced a sudden and surprising
effect upon the friar. In the transport of his zeal he wrung this
semi-convert's hand, showered a thousand benedictions upon his
head, and exhorted him, with the tears flowing from his eyes, to
perfect the great work which the finger of God had begun in his
heart; and, as an instance of his concern for the welfare of his
precious soul, the holy brother promised to recommend him strenuously
to the pious admonitions of the young woman under his care, who
was a perfect saint upon earth, and endowed with a peculiar gift
of mollifying the hearts of obdurate sinners. "0 father!" cried the
hypocritical projector, who by this time perceived that his money
was not thrown away, "if I could be favoured but for one half hour
with the private instruction of that inspired devotee, my mind
presages, that I should be a strayed sheep brought back into the
fold, and that I should find easy entrance at the gates of heaven!
There is something supernatural in her aspect: I gaze upon her with
the most pious fervour, and my whole soul is agitated with tumults
of hope and despair!"

Having pronounced this rhapsody with transport half natural and half
affected, the priest assured him, that these were the operations of
the Spirit, which must not be repressed; and comforted him with the
hope of enjoying the blessed interview which he desired, protesting,
that, as far as his influence extended, his wish should be that very
evening indulged. The gracious pupil thanked him for his benevolent
concern, which he swore should not be squandered upon an ungrateful
object; and the rest of the company interrupting the conversation,
they returned in a body to the inn, where they dined all together,
and the ladies were persuaded to be our hero's guests.

As the subjects on which they had been engaged before dinner were
not exhausted, each brace resumed their former theme when they
were replaced in the diligence. The painter's mistress finished her
conquest, by exerting her skill in the art of ogling, accompanied
by frequent bewitching sighs and some tender French songs, that she
sang with such pathetic expression, as quite melted the resolution
of Pallet, and utterly subdued his affection. And he, to convince
her of the importance of her victory, gave a specimen of his own
talents, by entertaining her with that celebrated English ditty,
the burden of which begins with, "The pigs they lie with their a--s


He makes some Progress in her Affections--Is interrupted by a Dispute
between Jolter and the Jew--Appeases the Wrath of the Capuchin, who
procures for him an interview with his fair Enslaver, in which he
finds himself deceived.

Peregrine, meanwhile, employed all his insinuation and address in
practising upon the heart of the Capuchin's fair charge. He had
long ago declared his passion, not in the superficial manner of a
French gallant, but with all the ardour of an enthusiast. He had
languished, vowed, flattered, kissed her hand by stealth, and had
no reason to complain of his reception. Though, by a man of a less
sanguine disposition, her particular complaisance would have been
deemed equivocal, and perhaps nothing more than the effects of French
breeding and constitutional vivacity; he gave his own qualifications
credit for the whole, and with these sentiments carried on the
attack with such unabating vigour, that she was actually prevailed
upon to accept a ring, which he presented as a token of his esteem;
and everything proceeded in a most prosperous train, when they were
disturbed by the governor Israelite, who, in the heat of disputation,
raised their voices, and poured forth such effusions of gutturals,
as set our lover's teeth on edge. As they spoke in a language
unknown to every one in the carriage but themselves, and looked at
each other with mutual animosity and rancour, Peregrine desired to
know the cause of their contention; upon which Jolter exclaimed, in
a furious tone, "This learned Levite, forsooth, has the impudence
to tell me that I don't understand Hebrew; and affirms that the
word Benoni signifies "child of joy;" whereas, I can prove, and
have already said  enough to convince any reasonable man, that in
the Septuagint it is rightly translated into 'son of my sorrow.'"

Having thus explained himself to his pupil, he turned to the priest,
with intention to appeal to his determination; but the Jew pulled
him by the sleeve with great eagerness, saying, "For the love of God,
be quiet: the Capuchin will discover who we are." Joker, offended
at this conjunction, echoed, "Who we are!" with great emphasis; and
repeating nos poma natamus, asked ironically, to which of the tribes
the Jew thought he belonged? The Levite, affronted at his comparing
him to a ball of horse-dung, replied, with a most significant grin,
"To the tribe of Issachar." His antagonist, taking the advantage of
his unwillingness to be known by the friar, and prompted by revenge
for the freedom he had used, answered, in the French language,
that the judgment of God was still manifest upon their whole race,
not only in their being in the state of exiles from their native
land, but also in the spite of their hearts and pravity of their
dispositions, which demonstrate them to be the genuine offspring
of those who crucified the Saviour of the world.

His expectation was, however, defeated: the priest himself was
too deeply engaged to attend to the debates of other people. The
physician, in the pride and insolence of his learning, had undertaken
to display the absurdity of the Christian faith; having already,
as he thought, confuted the Capuchin, touching the points of belief
in which the Roman Catholics differ from the rest of the world.
But not cemented with the imagined victory he bed gained, he began
to strike at the fundamentals of religion; and the father, with
incredible forbearance, suffered him to make very free with the
doctrine of the Trinity: but, when he leveled the shafts of his
ridicule at the immaculate conception of the Blessed Virgin, the
good man's patience forsook him, his eyes seemed to kindle with
indignation, he trembled in every joint, and uttered, with a loud
voice, "You are an abominable--I will not call thee heretic, for
thou art worse, if possible, than a Jew; you deserve to be inclosed
in a furnace seven times heated; and I have a good mind to lodge
an information against you with the governor of Ghent, that you
may be apprehended and punished as an impious blasphemer."

This menace operated like a charm upon all present. The doctor was
confounded, the governor dismayed, the Levite's teeth chattered,
the painter astonished at the general confusion, the cause of which
he could not comprehend, and Pickle himself, not a little alarmed,
was obliged to use all his interest and assiduity in appeasing this
son of the church, who, at length, in consideration of the friendship
he professed for the young gentleman, consented to forgive what
had passed, but absolutely refused to sit in contact with such a
profane wretch, whom he looked upon as a fiend of darkness, sent by
the enemy of mankind to poison the minds of weak people; so that,
after having crossed himself. and uttered certain exorcisms,
he insisted upon the doctor's changing places with the Jew, who
approached the offended ecclesiastic in an agony of fear.

Matters being thus compromised, the conversation flowed in a more
general channel; and without the intervention of any other accident
or bone of contention, the carriage arrived at the city of Ghent
about seven in the evening. Supper being bespoken for the whole
company, our adventurer and his friends went out to take a superficial
view of the place, leaving his new mistress to the pious exhortations
of her confessor, whom, as we have already observed, he had secured
in his interest. This zealous mediator spoke so warmly in his
commendation, and interested her conscience so much in the affair,
that she could not refuse her helping hand to the great work of
his conversion, and promised to grant the interview he desired.

This agreeable piece of intelligence, which the Capuchin communicated
to Peregrine at his return, elevated his spirits to such a degree,
that he shone at supper with uncommon brilliance, in a thousand
sallies of wit and pleasantry, to the delight of all present,
especially of his fair Fleming, who seemed quite captivated by his
person and behaviour. The evening being thus spent to the satisfaction
of all parties, the company broke up, and retired to their several
apartments, where our lover, to his unspeakable mortification,
learned that the two ladies were obliged to be in the same room,
all the other chambers of the inn being pre-occupied.  When he
imparted this difficulty to the priest, that charitable father,
who was very fruitful in expedients, assured him that his spiritual
concerns should not be obstructed by such a slender impediment;
and accordingly availed himself of his prerogative, by going into
his daughter's chamber when she was almost undressed, and leading
her into his own, on pretence of administering salutary food for
her soul. Having brought the two votaries together, he prayed for
success to the operations of grace, and left them to their mutual
meditations, after having conjured them in the most solemn manner
to let no impure sentiments or temptations of the flesh interfere
with the hallowed design of their meeting.

The reverend intercessor being gone, and the door fastened on the
inside, the pseudo-convert, transported with his passion, threw
himself at his Amanda's feet; and begging she would spare him the
tedious form of addresses, which the nature of their interview
would not permit him to observe, began, with all the impetuosity of
love, to make the most of the occasion. But whether she was displeased
by the intrepidity and assurance of his behaviour, thinking herself
entitled to more courtship and respect; or was really better
fortified with chastity than he or his procurer had supposed her
to be; certain it is, she expressed resentment and surprise at his
boldness and presumption, and upbraided him with having imposed upon
the charity of the friar. The young gentleman was really as much
astonished at this rebuff, as she pretended to be at his declaration,
and earnestly entreated her to consider how precious the moments
were, and for once sacrifice superfluous ceremony to the happiness
of one who adored her with such a flame as could not fail to consume
his vitals, if she would not deign to bless him with her favour.

Notwithstanding all his tears, vows, and supplications, his personal
accomplishments, and the tempting opportunity, all that he could
obtain was an acknowledgment of his having made an impression upon
her heart, which she hoped the dictates of her duty would enable
her to erase. This confession he considered as a delicate consent;
and, obeying the impulse of his love, snatched her up in his arms,
with an intention of seizing that which she declined to give; when
this French Lucretia, unable to defend her virtue any other way,
screamed aloud; and the Capuchin, setting his shoulder to the door,
forced it open, and entered in an affected ecstasy of amazement.
He lifted up his hands and eyes, and pretended to be thunderstruck
at the discovery he had made; then in broken exclamations, professed
his horror at the wicked intention of our hero, who had covered
such a damnable scheme with the mask of religion.

In short, he performed his cue with such dexterity, that the lady,
believing him to be in earnest, begged he would forgive the stranger
on account of his youth and education, which had been tainted by
the errors of heresy; and he was on these considerations content
to accept the submission of our hero; who, far from renouncing his
expectations, notwithstanding this mortifying repulse, confided
so much in his own talents, and the confession which his mistress
had made, that he resolved to make another effort, to which nothing
could have prompted him but the utmost turbulence of unruly desire.


He makes another Effort to towards the Accomplishment of his Wish,
which is postponed by a strange Accident.

He directed his valet-de-chambre, who was a thorough-paced pimp,
to kindle some straw in the yard, and then pass by the door of her
apartment, crying with a loud voice that the house was on fire.
This alarm brought both ladies  out of their chamber in a moment,
and Peregrine, taking the advantage of their running to the street
door, entered the room, concealed himself under a large table that
stood in an unobserved corner. The nymphs, as soon as they understood
the cause of his Mercury's supposed affright, returned to their
apartment, and, having said their prayers, undressed themselves,
and went to bed. This scene, which fell under the observation of
Pickle, did not at all contribute to the cooling of his concupiscence,
but on the contrary inflamed him to such a degree, that he could
scarce restrain his impatience, until, by her breathing deep, he
concluded the fellow-lodger of his Amanda was asleep. This welcome
note no sooner saluted his ears, than he crept to his charmer's
bedside, and placing himself on his knees, gently laid hold on
her white hand, and pressed it to his lips. She had just begun to
close her eyes, and enjoy the agreeable oppression of slumber, when
she was roused by this rape, at which she started, pronouncing, in
a tone of surprise and dismay, "My God! who's that?"

The lover, with the most insinuating humility, besought her to hear
him; vowing that his intention, in approaching her thus, was not
to violate the laws of decency, or that indelible esteem which she
had engraved on his heart; but to manifest his sorrow and contrition
for the umbrage he had given, to pour forth the overflowings of
his soul, and tell her that he neither could nor would survive her
displeasure. These and many more pathetic protestations, accompanied
with sighs and tears and other expressions of grief, which our
hero had at command, could not fail to melt the tender heart of
the Fleming, already prepossessed in favour of his qualifications.
She sympathized so much with his affliction, as to weep in her
turn, when she represented the impossibility of her rewarding his
passion; and he, seizing the moment, reinforced his solicitations
with such irresistible transports, that her resolution gave way,
she began to breathe quick, expressed her fear of being overheard
by the other lady, with an ejaculation of "O heavens! I'm undone,"
suffered him, after a faint struggle, to make a lodgment upon the
covered way of her bed. Her honour, however, was secured for the
present, by a strange sort of knocking upon the wainscot, at the
other end of the room, hard by the bed in which the female adventurer

Surprised at this circumstance, the lady begged him for heaven's
sake to retreat, or her reputation would be ruined for ever; but
when he represented to her, that her character would run a much
greater risk if he should be detected in withdrawing, she consented,
with great trepidation, to his stay, and they listened in silence
to the sequel of the noise that alarmed them. This was no other
than an expedient of the painter to awaken his dulcinea, with whom
he had made an assignation, or at least interchanged such signals
as he thought amounted to a firm appointment. His nymph, being
disturbed in her first sleep, immediately understood the sound, and,
true to the agreement, rose; and, unbolting the door, as softly
as possible, gave him admittance; leaving it open for his more
commodious retreat.

While this happy gallant was employed in disengaging himself from
the deshabille in which he had entered, the Capuchin, suspecting
that Peregrine would make another attempt upon his charge, had
crept silently to the apartment in order to reconnoitre, lest the
adventure should be achieved without his knowledge; a circumstance
that would deprive him of the profits he might expect from his
privity and concurrence. Finding the door unlatched, his suspicion
was confirmed, and he made no scruple of creeping into the chamber
on all four; so that the painter, having stripped himself to the
shirt, in groping about for his dulcinea's bed, chanced to lay his
hand upon the shaven crown of the father's head, which, by a circular
motion, the priest began to turn round in his grasp, like a ball
in a socket, to the surprise and consternation of poor Pallet, who,
neither having penetration to comprehend the case, nor resolution
to withdraw his fingers from this strange object of his touch, stood
sweating in the dark, and venting ejaculations with great devotion.

The friar, tired with this exercise, and the painful posture in
which he stooped, raised himself gradually upon his feet, heaving
up at the same time the hand of the painter, whose terror and amazement
increased to such a degree at this unaccountable elevation, that
his faculties began to fail; and his palm, in the confusion of
his fright, sliding over the priest's forehead, one of his fingers
happened to slip into his mouth, and was immediately secured
between the Capuchin's teeth with as firm a fixture as if it had
been screwed in a blacksmith's vice.

The painter was so much disordered by this sudden snap, which
tortured him to the bone, that, forgetting all other considerations,
he roared aloud, "Murder! a fire! a trap, a trap! help, Christians, for
the love of God, help!" Our hero, confounded by these exclamation,
which he knew would soon fill the room with spectators, and
incensed at his own mortifying disappointment, was obliged to quit
the untasted banquet, and, approaching the cause of his misfortune,
just as his tormentor had thought proper to release his finger,
discharged such a hearty slap between his shoulders, as brought him
to the ground with hideous bellowing; then, retiring unperceived
to his own chamber, was one of the first who returned with a light,
on pretence of having been alarmed with his cries. The Capuchin had
taken the same precaution, and followed Peregrine into the room,
pronouncing benedicite, and crossing himself with many marks of
astonishment. The physician and Jolter appearing at the same time,
the unfortunate painter was found lying naked on the floor, in all
the agony of horror and dismay, blowing upon his left hand, that
hung dangling from the elbow. The circumstance of his being found
in that apartment, and the attitude of his affliction, which was
extremely ridiculous, provoked the doctor to a smile, and produced
a small relaxation in the severity of the governor's countenance;
while Pickle, testifying his surprise and concern, lifted him from
the ground, and inquired into the cause of his present situation.

Having, after some recollection, and fruitless endeavours to speak,
recovered the use of his tongue, he told them that the house was
certainly haunted by evil spirits, by which he had been conveyed,
he knew not how, into that apartment, and afflicted with all the
tortures of hell: that one of them had made itself sensible to his
feeling, in the shape of a round ball of smooth flesh, which turned
round under his hand, like an astronomer's globe; and then, rising
up to a surprising height, was converted into a machine that laid
hold on his finger, by a snap; and having pinned him to the spot,
he continued for some moments in unspeakable agony. At last, he said,
the engine seemed to melt away from his finger, and he received a
sudden thwack upon his shoulders, as if discharged by the arm of
a giant, which overthrew him in an instant upon the floor.

The priest, hearing this strange account, pulled out of one of his
pouches a piece of consecrated candle, which he lighted immediately,
and muttered certain mysterious conjurations. Jolter, imagining
that Pallet was drunk, shook his head, saying, he believed the
spirit was nowhere but in his own brain. The physician for once
condescended to be a wag, and, looking towards one of the beds,
observed, that, in his opinion, the painter had been misled by
the flesh, and not by the spirit. The fair Fleming lay in silent
astonishment and affright; and her fellow in order to acquit herself
of all suspicion, exclaimed with incredible volubility against
the author of this uproar, who, she did not doubt, had concealed
himself in the apartment with a view of perpetuating some wicked
attempt upon her precious virtue, and was punished and prevented
by the immediate interposition of heaven. At her desire, therefore,
and at the earnest solicitation of the other lady, he was conducted
to his own bed; and the chamber being evacuated, they locked their
door, fully resolved to admit no more visitants for that night:
while Peregrine, mad with seeing the delicious morsel snatched,
as it were, from his very lip, stalked through the passage like
a ghost, in hope of finding some opportunity of re-entering; till
the day beginning to break, he was obliged to retire, cursing the
idiotical conduct of the painter, which had so unluckily interfered
with his delight.


They depart from Ghent--Our Hero engages in a Political Dispute
with his Mistress, whom he offends, and pacifies with Submission--He
practises an Expedient to detain the Carriage at Alost, and confirms
the Priest in his Interest.

Next day, about one o'clock, after having seen everything remarkable
in town, and been present at the execution of two youths, who were
hanged for ravishing a w--, they took their departure from Ghent
in the same carriage which had brought them thither; and the
conversation turning upon the punishment they had seen inflicted,
the Flemish beauty expressed great sympathy and compassion for
the unhappy sufferers, who, as she had been informed, had fallen
victims to the malice of the accuser. Her sentiments were espoused
by all the company, except the French lady of pleasure, who, thinking
the credit of the sisterhood concerned in the affair, bitterly
inveighed against the profligacy of the age,   and particularly
the base and villainous attempts of man upon the chastity of the
weaker sex; saying, with a look of indignation directed to the
painter, that for her own part she should never be able to manifest
the acknowledgment she owed to Providence, for having protected her
last night from the wicked aims of unbridled lust. This observation
introduced a series of jokes at the expense of Pallet, who hung
his ears, and sat with a silent air of dejection, fearing that,
through the malevolence of the physician, his adventure might
reach the ears of his wife.  Indeed, though we have made shift to
explain the whole transaction to the reader, it was an inextricable
mystery to every individual in the diligence, because the part which
was acted by the Capuchin was known to himself alone, and  even he
was utterly ignorant of Pickle's being concerned in the affair; so
that the greatest share of the painter's sufferings were supposed
to be the exaggerations of his own extravagant imagination.

In the midst of their discourse on this extraordinary subject,
the driver told them that they were now on the very spot where
a detachment of the allied army had been intercepted and cut off
by the French: and, stopping the vehicle, entertained them with a
local description of the battle of Melle. Upon this occasion, the
Flemish lady, who, since her marriage, had become a keen partisan
for the French, gave a minute detail of all the circumstances, as
they had been represented to her by her husband's brother, who was
in the action. This account, which sunk the number of the French
to sixteen, and raised that of the allies to twenty thousand men,
was so disagreeable to truth, as well as to the laudable partiality
of Peregrine, that he ventured to contradict her assertions, and
a fierce dispute commenced, that not only regarded the present
question, but also comprehended all the battles in which the Duke
of Marlborough had commanded against Louis the Fourteenth. In the
course of these debates, she divested the great general of all the
glory he had acquired, by affirming, that every victory he gained
was purposely lost by the French in order to bring the schemes of
Madame de Maintenon into discredit; and, as a particular instance,
alledged, that while the citadel of Lisle was besieged, Louis said,
in presence of the Dauphin, that if the allies should be obliged
to raise the siege, he would immediately declare his marriage
with that lady; upon which, the son sent private orders to Marshal
Boufflers to surrender the place.

This strange allegation was supported by the asseveration of the
priest and the courtesan, and admitted as truth by the governor,
who pretended to have heard it from good authority; while the doctor
sat neutral, as one who thought it scandalous to know the history
of such modern events. The Israelite, being a true Dutchman, himself
under the banners of our hero, who, in attempting to demonstrate
the absurdity and improbability of what they had advanced, raised
such a hue and cry against himself, and, being insensibly heated
in the altercation, irritated his Amanda to such a degree, that her
charming eyes kindled with fury, and he saw great reason to think,
that if he did not fall upon some method to deprecate her wrath, she
would, in a twinkling, sacrifice all her esteem for him to her own
zeal for the glory of the French nation. Moved by this apprehension,
his ardour cooled by degrees, and he insensibly detached himself
from the argument, leaving the whole care of supporting it to the
Jew, who, finding himself deserted, was fain to yield at discretion;
so that the French remained masters of the field, and their young
heroine resumed her good humour.

Our hero having prudently submitted to the superior intelligence
of his fair enslaver, began to be harassed with the fears of losing
her for ever; and set his invention at work, to contrive some
means of indemnifying himself for his assiduities, presents, and
the disappointment he had already undergone. On pretence of enjoying
a free air, he mounted the box, and employed his elocution and
generosity with such success, that the driver undertook to disable
the diligence from proceeding beyond the town of Alost for that
day; and, in consequence of his promise, gently overturned it when
they were but a mile short of that baiting-place. He had taken
his measures so discreetly, that this accident was attended with
no other inconvenience than a fit of fear that took possession of
the ladies, and the necessity to which they were reduced by the
declaration of the coachman, who, upon examining the carriage,
assured the company that the axle-tree had given way, and advised
them to walk forward to the inn, while he would jog after them at
a slow pace, and do his endeavour the damage should be immediately

Peregrine pretended to be very much concerned at what had happened,
and even cursed the driver for his inadvertency, expressing infinite
impatience to be at Brussels, and wishing that this misfortune
might not detain them another night upon the road; but when his
understrapper, according to his instructions, came afterwards to the
inn, and gave them to understand that the workman he had employed
could not possibly refit the machine in less then six hours, the
crafty youth affected to lose all temper, stormed at his emissary,
whom he reviled in the most opprobrious terms, and threatened to
cane for his misconduct. The fellow protested, with great humility,
that their being overturned was owing to the failure of the axle-tree,
and not to his want of care or dexterity in driving; though rather
than be thought the cause of incommoding him, he would inquire for
a post-chaise, in which he might depart for Brussels immediately.
This expedient Pickle rejected, unless the whole company could be
accommodated in the same manner; and he had been previously informed
by the driver that the town could not furnish more than one vehicle
of that sort. His governor, who was quite ignorant of his scheme,
represented that one night would soon be passed, and exhorted him
to bear this small disappointment with a good grace, especially as
the house seemed to be well provided for their entertainment, and
the company so much disposed to be sociable.

The Capuchin, who had found his account in cultivating the acquaintance
of the young stranger, was not ill-pleased at this event, which
might, by protracting the term of their intercourse, yield him
some opportunity of profiting still farther by his liberality:
he therefore joined Mr. Jolter in his admonitions, congratulating
himself upon the prospect of enjoying his conversation a little longer
than he had expected. Our young gentleman received a compliment to
the same purpose from the Hebrew, who had that day exercised his
gallantry upon the French coquette, and was not without hope of
reaping the fruit of his attention, his rival, the painter, being
quite disgraced and dejected by the adventure of last night,
As for the doctor, he was too much engrossed in the contemplation
of his own importance, to interest himself in the affair or its
consequences, further than by observing, that the European powers
ought to establish public games, like those that were celebrated of
old in Greece; in which case, every state would be supplied with
such dexterous charioteers as would drive a machine, at full speed,
within a hair's breadth of a precipice, without any danger of its
being overturned.

Peregrine could not help yielding to their remonstrances and united
complaisance, for which he thanked them in very polite terms; and
his passion seeming to subside, proposed that they should amuse
themselves in walking round the ramparts. He hoped to enjoy some
private conversation with his admired Fleming, who had the whole
day behaved with remarkable reserve. The proposal being embraced,
he, as usual, handed her into the street, and took all opportunities
of promoting his suit; but they were attended so closely by her
father-confessor, that he foresaw it would be impracticable to
accomplish his aim without the connivance of that ecclesiastic. This
he was obliged to purchase with another purse, which he offered, and
was accepted, as a charitable atonement for his criminal behaviour
during the interview which the friar had procured for the good of
his soul. The benefaction was no sooner made, than the mendicant
edged off by little and little, till he joined the rest of the
company, leaving his generous patron at full liberty to prosecute
his purpose.

It is not to be doubted that our adventurer made a good use of this
occasion: he practised a thousand flowers of rhetoric, and actually
exhausted his whole address, in persuading her to have compassion
upon his misery, and indulge him with another private audience,
without which he should run distracted, and be guilty of extravagancies
which, in the humanity of her disposition, she would weep to see.
But, instead of complying with his request, she chid him severely
for his presumption in persecuting her with his vicious addresses:
she assured him, that although she had secured a chamber for herself
in this place, because she had no ambition to be better acquainted
with the other lady, he would be in the wrong to disturb her
with another nocturnal visit, for she was determined to deny him
admittance. The lover was comforted by this hint, which he understood
in the true acceptation; and his passion being inflamed by the
obstacles he had met with, his heart beat high with the prospect of
possession. These raptures of expectation produced an inquietude,
which disabled him from bearing that share of the conversation for
which he used to be distinguished. His behaviour at supper was a
vicissitude of startings and reveries. The Capuchin, imputing the
disorder to a second repulse from his charge, began to be invaded
with the apprehension of being obliged to refund, and in a whisper
forbade our hero to despair.


The French Coquette entraps the Heart of the Jew, against whom Pallet
enters into a Conspiracy, by which Peregrine is again disappointed,
and the Hebrew's Incontinence exposed.

Meanwhile the French siren, balked in her design upon her English
cully, who was so easily disheartened, and hung his ears in manifest
despondence, rather than rather than run the risk of making a voyage
that should be altogether unprofitable, resolved to practise her
charms upon the Dutch merchant. She had already made such innovation
upon his heart, that he cultivated her with peculiar complacency,
gazed upon her with a most libidinous stare, and unbended his aspect
into a grin that was truly Israelitish. The painter saw and was
offended at this correspondence, which he considered as an insult
upon his misfortune, as well as an evident preference of his rival;
and, conscious of his own timidity, swallowed an extraordinary
glass, that his invention might be stimulated, and his resolution
raised to the contrivance and execution of some scheme of revenge.
The wine failed in the expected effect, and, without inspiring
him with the plan, served only to quicken his desire of vengeance;
so that he communicated his purpose to his friend Peregrine, and
begged his assistance; but our young gentleman was too intent upon
his own affair to mind the concerns of any other person; and he
declining to be engaged in the project, Pallet had recourse to the
genius of Pickle's valet-de-chambre, who readily embarked in the
undertaking, and invented a plan, which was executed accordingly.

The evening being pretty far advanced, and the company separated
into their respective apartments, Pickle repaired, in all the
impatience of youth and desire, to the chamber of his charmer, and,
finding the door unbolted, entered in a transport of joy. By the
light of the room, which shone through the window, he was conducted
to her bed, which he approached in the utmost agitation; and
perceiving her to all appearance asleep, essayed to wake her with
a gentle kiss; but this method proved ineffectual, because she was
determined to save herself the confusion of being an accomplice in
his guilt. He repeated the application, murmured a most passionate
salutation in her ear, and took such other gentle methods of
signifying his presence, as persuaded him that she was resolved to
sleep, in spite of all his endeavours. Flushed with this supposition,
he locked the door, in order to prevent interruption; and, stealing
himself under the clothes, set fortune at defiance, while he held
the fair creature circled in his arms.

Nevertheless, near as he seemed to be to the happy accomplishment
of his desire, his hope was again frustrated with a fearful noise,
which in a moment awaked his Amanda in a fright, and for the present
engaged all his attention. His valet-de-chambre, whom Pallet
had consulted as a confederate in his revenge against the  lady
of pleasure and her gallant, had hired of certain Bohemians, who
chanced to lodge at the inn, a jackass adorned with bells, which,
when everybody was retired to rest, and the Hebrew supposed to be
bedded with his mistress, they led upstairs into a long thoroughfare,
from which the chambers were detached on each side. The painter,
perceiving the lady's door ajar, according to his expectation,
mounted this animal, with intention to ride into the room, and
disturb the lovers in the midst of their mutual endearments; but
the ass, true to its kind, finding himself bestrid by an unknown
rider, instead of advancing in obedience to his conductor, retreated
backward to the other end of the passage, in spite of all the efforts
of the painter, who spurred, and kicked, and pummeled to no purpose.
It was the noise of this contention between Pallet and the ass
which invaded the ears of Peregrine and his mistress, neither of
whom could form the least rational conjecture about the cause of
such strange disturbance, which increased as the animal approached
their apartment. At length the bourrique's retrograde motion was
obstructed by the door, which it forced open in a twinkling, with
one kick, and entered with such complication of sound as terrified
the lady almost into a fit, and threw her lover into the utmost
perplexity and confusion.

The painter, finding himself thus violently intruded into the
bed-chamber of he knew not whom, and dreading the resentment of
the possessor, who might discharge a pistol at him as a robber who
had broken into his apartment, was overwhelmed with consternation,
and redoubled his exertion to accomplish a speedy retreat, sweating
all the time with fear, and putting up petition to Heaven for his
safety; but his obstinate companion, regardless of his situation,
instead of submitting to his conduct, began to turn round like a
millstone, the united sound of his feet and bells producing a most
surprising concert. The unfortunate rider, whirling about in this
manner, would have quitted his seat, and left the beast to his
own amusement, but the rotation was so rapid, that the terror of
a severe fall hindered him from attempting to dismount; and, in
the desperation of his heart, he seized one of his ears, which he
pinched so unmercifully, that the creature set up his throat, and
brayed aloud.

This hideous exclamation was no sooner heard by the fair Fleming,
already chilled with panic, and prepared with superstition, than,
believing herself visited by the devil, who was permitted to punish
her for her infidelity to the marriage-bed, she uttered a scream,
and began to repeat her pater noster with a loud voice. Her lover,
finding himself under the necessity of retiring, started up, and,
stung with the most violent pangs of rage and disappointment, ran
directly to the spot from whence this diabolical noise seemed to
proceed. There encountering the ass he discharged such a volley of
blows at him and his rider, that the creature carried him off at
a round trot, and they roared in unison all the way. Having thus
cleared the room of such disagreeable company, he went back to his
mistress, and assuring her that this was only some foolish prank
of Pallet, took his leave, with a promise of returning after the
quiet of the inn should be re-established.

In the mean time, the noise of the bourrique, the cries of the
painter, and the lady's scream, had alarmed the whole house; and
the ass, in the precipitation of his retreat, seeing people with
lights before him, took shelter in the apartment for which he was
at first designed, just as the Levite, aroused at the uproar, had
quitted his dulcinea, and was attempting to recover his own chamber
unperceived.  Seeing himself opposed by such an animal, mounted
by a tall, meagre, lantern-jawed figure, half naked, with a white
nightcap upon his head which added to the natural paleness of his
complexion,--the Jew was sorely troubled in mind and believing it
to be an apparition of Balaam and his ass, flew backward with a
nimble pace, and crept under the bed, where he lay, concealed. Mr.
Jolter and the priest, who were the foremost of those who had been
aroused by the noise, were not unmoved when they saw such a spectacle
rushing into the chamber, whence the lady of pleasure began to
shriek. The governor made a full halt, and the Capuchin discovered
no inclination to proceed. They were, however, by the pressure of
the crowd that followed them, thrust forward to the door, through
which the vision entered; and there Jolter, with great ceremony,
complimented his reverence with the pas, beseeching him to walk
in. The mendicant was too courteous and humble to accept this
pre-eminence, and a very earnest dispute ensued; during which, the
ass, in the course of his circuit, showed himself and rider, and in
a trice decided the contest; for, struck with this second glimpse,
both at one instant sprang backward with such force, as overturned
their next men, who communicated the impulse to those that stood
behind them, and these again to others; so that the whole passage
was strewed with a long file of people, that lay in a line, like
the sequel and dependence of a pack of cards.

In the midst of this havoc, our hero returned from his own room with
an air of astonishment, asking the cause of this uproar. Receiving
such hints of intelligence as Jolter's consternation would permit
him to give, he snatched the candle out of his hand, and advanced
into the haunted chamber without hesitation, being followed by all
present, who broke forth into a long and loud peal of laughter,
when they perceived the ludicrous source of their disquiet. The
painter himself made an effort to join their mirth; but he had
been so harrowed by fear, and smarted so much with the pain of the
discipline he had received from Pickle, that be could not, with
all his endeavours, vanquish the ruefulness of his countenance. His
attempt served only to increase the awkwardness of his situation,
which was not at all mended by the behaviour of the coquette, who,
furious with her disappointment, slipped on a petticoat and bedgown,
and springing upon him, like mother Hecuba, with her nails deprived
all one side of his nose of the skin; and would not have left him
an eye to see through, if some of the company had not rescued him
from her unmerciful talons. Provoked at this outrage, as well as
by her behaviour to him in the diligence, he publicly explained
his intention in entering her chamber in this equipage; and missing
the Hebrew among the spectators, assured them that he must have
absconded somewhere in the apartment. In pursuance of this intimation,
the room was immediately searched, and the mortified Levite pulled
up by the heels from his lurking-place; so that Pallet had the good
fortune, at last, to transfer the laugh from himself to his rival
and the French inamorata, who accordingly underwent the ridicule
of the whole audience.


Pallet endeavouring to unravel the Mystery of the Treatment he had
received, falls out of the Frying-pan into the Fire.

Nevertheless, Pallet was still confounded and chagrined by one
consideration, which was no other than that of his having been so
roughly handled in the chamber, belonging, as he found upon inquiry,
to the handsome young lady who was under the Capuchin's direction.
He recollected that the door was fast locked when his beast burst
it open, and he had no reason to believe that any person followed
him in his inruption: on the other hand, he could not imagine that
such a gentle creature would either attempt to commit, or be able
to execute, such a desperate assault as that which his body had
sustained; and her demeanour was so modest and circumspect, that he
durst not harbour the least suspicion of her virtue. These reflections
bewildered him in the labyrinth of thought: he rummaged his whole
imagination, endeavouring to account for what had happened. At
length, he concluded, that either Peregrine, or the devil, or both
must have been at the bottom of the whole affair, and determined,
for the satisfaction of his curiosity, to watch our hero's motions,
during the remaining part of the night, so narrowly, that his conduct,
mysterious as it was, should not be able to elude his penetration.

With these sentiments he retired to his own room, after the ass
had been restored to the right owners, and the priest had visited
and comforted his fair ward, who had been almost distracted with
fear.  Silence no sooner prevailed again, than he crawled darkling
towards her door, and huddled himself up in an obscure corner,
from whence he might observe the ingress or egress of any human
creature. He had not long remained in this posture, when, fatigued
with this adventure and that of the preceding night, his faculties
were gradually overpowered with slumber; and, falling fast asleep,
he began to snore like a whole congregation of Presbyterians. The
Flemish beauty, hearing this discordant noise in the passage, began
to be afraid of some new alarm, and very prudently bolted her door;
so that when her lover wanted to repeat his visit he was not only
surprised and incensed at this disagreeable serenade, the author
of which he did not know; but when compelled by his passion, which
was by this time wound to the highest pitch, he ventured to approach
the entrance, he had the extreme mortification to find himself
shut out.  He durst not knock or signify his presence in any other
manner, on account of the lady's reputation, which would have
greatly suffered had the snorer been waked by his endeavours. Had
he known that the person who thus thwarted his views was the painter,
he would have taken some effectual step to remove him; but he could
not conceive what should induce Pallet to take up his residence in
that corner; nor could he use the assistance of a light, to distinguish
him, because there was not a candle burning in the house.

It is impossible to describe the rage and vexation of our hero,
while he continued thus tantalized upon the brink of bliss, after
his desire had been exasperated by the circumstances of his former
disappointments. He ejaculated a thousand execrations against his
own fortune, cursed all his fellow-travellers without exception,
vowed revenge against the painter, who had twice confounded his most
interesting scheme, and was tempted to execute immediate vengeance
upon the unknown cause of his present miscarriage. In this agony
of distraction did he sweat two whole hours in the passage, though
not without some faint hope of being delivered from his tormentor,
who, he imagined, upon waking, would undoubtedly shift his quarters,
and leave the field free to his designs; but when he heard the cock
repeat his salutation to the morn, which began to open on the rear
of night, he could no longer restrain his indignation. Going to
his own chamber, he filled a basin with cold water, and, standing
at some distance, discharged it full in the face of the gaping snorer,
who, over and above the surprise occasioned by the application,
was almost suffocated by the liquor that entered his mouth, and ran
down into his windpipe. While he gasped like a person half-drowned,
without knowing the nature of his disaster, or remembering the
situation in which he fell asleep, Peregrine retired to his own
door, and, to his no small astonishment, from a long howl that
invaded his ears, learned that the patient was no other than Pallet,
who had now, for the third time, balked his good fortune.

Enraged at the complicated trespasses of this unfortunate offender,
he rushed from his apartment with a horsewhip, and, encountering
the painter in his flight, overturned him in the passage. There he
exercised the instrument of his wrath with great severity on pretence
of mistaking him for some presumptuous cur, which had disturbed
the repose of the inn: nay, when he called aloud for mercy
in a supplicating tone, and his chastiser could no longer pretend
to treat him as a quadruped, such was the virulence of the young
gentleman's indignation, that he could not help declaring his
satisfaction, by telling Pallet he had richly deserved the punishment
he had undergone, for his madness, folly, and impertinence, in
contriving and executing such idle schemes, as had no other tendency
than that of plaguing his neighbours.

Pallet protested, with great vehemence, that he was innocent
as the child unborn of an intention to give umbrage to any person
whatever, except the Israelite and his doxy, who he knew had
incurred his displeasure. "But as God is my Saviour," said he, "I
believe I am persecuted with witchcraft, and begin to think that
d--d priest is an agent of the devil; for he has been but two nights
in our company, during which I have not closed an eye; but, on the
contrary, have been tormented by all the fiends of hell." Pickle
peevishly replied, that his torments had been occasioned by his own
foolish imagination; and asked how he came to howl in that corner.
The painter, who did not think proper to own the truth, said, that
he had been transported thither by some preternatural conveyance,
and soused in water by an invisible hand. The youth, in hope of
profiting by his absence, advised him to retire immediately to his
bed, and by sleep strive to comfort his brain, which seemed to be
not a little disordered by the want of that refreshment. Pallet
himself began to be very much of the same way of thinking; and,
in compliance with such wholesome counsel, betook himself to rest,
muttering prayers all the way for the recovery of his own understanding.

Pickle attended him to his chamber, and, locking him up, put the
key in his own pocket, that he might not have it in his power to
interrupt him again; but in his return he was met by Mr. Jolter
and the doctor, who had been a second time alarmed by the painter's
cries, and came to inquire about this new adventure. Half-frantic
with such a series of disappointments, he cursed them in his heart
for their unseasonable appearance. When they questioned him about
Pallet, he told them he had found him stark staring mad, howling
in a corner, and wet to the skin, and conducted him to his room,
where he was now abed. The physician, hearing this circumstance,
made a merit of his vanity; and, under pretence of concern for the
patient's welfare, desired he might have an opportunity of examining
the symptoms of his disorder, without loss of time; alleging that
many diseases might have been stifled in the birth, which afterwards
baffled all the endeavours of the medical art. The young gentleman
accordingly delivered the key, and once more withdrew into his
own chamber, with a view of seizing the first occasion that should
present itself of renewing his application to his Amanda's door;
while the doctor, in his way to Pellet's apartment, hinted to the
governor his suspicion that the patient laboured under that dreadful
symptom called the hydrophobia, which he observed had sometimes
appeared in persons who were not previously bit by a mad dog. This
conjecture he founded upon the howl he uttered when he was soused
with water, and began to recollect certain circumstances of the
painter's behaviour for some days past, which now he could plainly
perceive had prognosticated some such calamity. He then ascribed
the distemper to the violent frights he had lately undergone,
affirming that the affair of the Bastille had made such a violent
encroachment upon his understanding, that his manner of thinking
and speaking was entirely altered. By a theory of his own invention,
he explained the effects of fear upon a loose system of nerves,
and demonstrated the modus in which the animal spirits operate upon
the ideas and power of imagination.

This disquisition, which was communicated at the painter's door,
might have lasted till breakfast, had not Jolter reminded him of
his own maxim, Venienti occurrite morbo; upon which he put the key
to immediate use, and they walked softly towards the bed, where
the patient lay extended at full length in the arms of sleep. The
physician took notice of his breathing hard, and his mouth being
open; and from these diagnostics declared, that the liquidum
nervosum was intimately affected, and the saliva impregnated with
the spiculated particles of the virus, howsoever contracted. This
sentence was still farther confirmed by the state of his pulse,
which, being full and slow, indicated an oppressed circulation,
from a loss of elasticity in the propelling arteries. He proposed
that he should immediately suffer a second aspersion of water,
which would not  only contribute to the cure, but also certify them,
beyond all possibility of doubt, with regard to the state of the
disease; for it would evidently appear, from the manner in which
he would bear the application, whether or not his horror of water
amounted to a confirmed hydrophobia. Mr. Jolter, in compliance with
his proposal, began to empty a bottle of water, which he found in
the room in a basin; when he was interrupted by the prescriber,
who advised him to use the contents of the chamberpot, which, being
impregnated with salt, would operate more effectually than pure
element. Thus directed, the governor lifted up the vessel, which
was replete with medicine, and with one turn of his hand, discharged
the whole healing inundation upon the ill-omened patient, who,
waking in the utmost distraction of horror, yelled most hideously,
just at the time when Peregrine had brought his mistress to a
parley, and entertained hopes of being admitted into her chamber.

Terrified at this exclamation, she instantly broke off the treaty,
beseeching him to retire from the door, that her honour might
receive no injury from his being found in that place; and he had
just enough of recollection left to see the necessity of obeying
the order; in conformity to which he retreated well nigh deprived
of his senses, and almost persuaded that so many unaccountable
disappointments must have proceeded from some supernatural cause,
of which the idiot Pallet was no more than the involuntary instrument.

Meanwhile, the doctor having ascertained the malady of the patient,
whose cries, interrupted by frequent sobs and sighs, he interpreted
into the barking of a dog, and having no more salt-water at hand,
resolved to renew the bath with such materials as chance would
afford. He actually laid hold of the bottle and basin; but by this
time the painter had recovered the use of his senses so well as
to perceive his drift, and, starting up like a frantic bedlamite,
ran directly to his sword, swearing, with many horrid imprecations,
that he would murder them both immediately, if he should be hanged
before dinner, They did not choose to wait the issue of his threat,
but retired with such precipitation that the physician had almost
dislocated his shoulder by running against one side of the entry.
Jolter, having pulled the door after him and turned the key, betook
himself to flight, roaring aloud for assistance. His colleague,
seeing the door secured, valued himself upon his resolution, and
exhorted him to return; declaring that, for his own part, he was
more afraid of the madman's teeth than of his weapon, and admonishing
the governor to re-enter and execute what they had left undone. "Go
in," said he, "without fear or apprehension; and if any accident
shall happen to you, either from his slaver or his sword, I will
assist you with my advice, which from this station I can more
coolly and distinctly administer, than I should be able to supply
if my ideas were disturbed, or my attention engaged in any personal
concern." Jolter, who could make no objection to the justness of
the conclusion, frankly owned that he had no inclination to try
the experiment; observing, that self-preservation was the first
law of nature; that his connections with the unhappy lunatic were
but slight; and that it could not be reasonably expected that he
would run such risks for his service as were declined by one who
had set out with him from England on the footing of a companion.
This insinuation introduced a dispute upon the nature of benevolence,
and the moral sense, which, the republican argued, existed independent
of any private consideration, and could never be affected by any
contingent circumstance of time and fortune; while the other, who
abhorred his principles, asserted the duties and excellence of
private friendship with infinite rancour of altercation.

During the hottest of the argument, they were joined by the Capuchin,
who being astonished to see them thus virulently engaged at the
door, and to hear the painter bellowing within the chamber, conjured
them, in the name of God, to tell him the cause of that confusion
which had kept the whole house in continual alarm during the best
part of the night, and seemed to be the immediate work of the devil
and his angels. When the governor gave him to understand that
Pallet was visited with an evil spirit, he muttered a prayer of
St. Antonio de Padua, and undertook to cure the painter, provided
he could be secured so as that he might, without danger to himself,
burn part of a certain relic under his nose, which he assured them
was equal to the miraculous power of Eleazar's ring. They expressed
great curiosity to know what this treasure was; and the priest was
prevailed upon to tell them in confidence, that it was a collection
of the parings of the nails belonging to those two madmen, whom
Jesus purged of the legion of devils that afterwards entered the
swine. So saying, he pulled from one of his pockets a small box,
containing about an ounce of the parings of a horse's hoof; at
sight of which the governor could not help smiling, on account of
the grossness of the imposition. The doctor asked, with a supercilious
smile, whether those maniacs whom Jesus cured were of the sorrel
complexion, or dapple-gray; for, from the texture of these parings,
he could prove that the original owners were of the quadruped order,
and even distinguish that their feet had been fortified with shoes
of iron.

The mendicant, who bore an inveterate grudge against this son of
Esculapius ever since he had made so free with the Catholic religion,
replied, with great bitterness, that he was a wretch with whom no
Christian ought to communicate; that the vengeance of Heaven would
one day overtake him, on account of his profanity; and that his
heart was shod with a metal much harder than iron, which nothing
but hell fire would be able to melt.

It was now broad day, and all the servants of the inn were afoot.
Peregrine, seeing it would be impossible to obtain any sort of
indemnification for the time he had lost, and the perturbation of
his spirits hindering him from enjoying repose, which was moreover
obstructed by the noise of Pallet and his attendants, put on his clothes
at once, and, in exceeding ill-humour, arrived at the spot where
this triumvirate stood debating about the means of overpowering the
furious painter, who still continued his song of oaths and execrations,
and made sundry efforts to break open the door. Chagrined as our
hero was, he could not help laughing when he heard how the patient
had been treated; and his indignation changing into compassion,
he called to him through the keyhole, desiring to know the reason
of his distracted behaviour. Pallet no sooner recognized his voice
than, lowering his own to a whimpering tone, "My dear friend!"
said he, "I have at last detected the ruffians who have persecuted
me so much. I caught them in the fact of suffocating me with cold
water; and by the Lord, I will be revenged, or may I never live
to finish my Cleopatra. For the love of God! open the door, and I
will make that conceited pagan, that pretender to taste, that false
devotee of the ancients, who poisons people with sillykicabies and
devil's dung--I say, I will make him a monument of my wrath, and
an example to all the cheats and impostors of the faculty; and as
for that thick-headed insolent pedant, his confederate, who emptied
my own jordan upon me while I slept, he had better have been in
his beloved Paris, botching schemes for his friend the Pretender,
than incur the effects of my resentment.  Gadsbodikins! I won't
leave him a windpipe for the hangman to stop, at the end of another

Pickle told him his conduct had been so extravagant as to confirm
the whole company in the belief that he was actually deprived of
his senses: on which supposition, Mr. Jolter and the doctor had
acted the part of friends, in doing that which they thought most
conducive to his recovery: so that their concern merited his thankful
acknowledgment, instead of his frantic menaces: that, for his own
part, he would be the first to condemn him, as one utterly bereft
of his wits, and give orders for his being secured as a madman,
unless he would immediately give a proof of his sanity by laying
aside his sword, composing his spirits, and thanking his injured
friends for their care of his person.

This alternative quieted his transports in a moment: he was
terrified at the apprehension of being treated like a bedlamite,
being dubious of the state of his own brain; and, on the other
hand, had conceived such a horror and antipathy for his tormentors,
that, far from believing himself obliged by what they had done, he
could not even think of them without the utmost rage and detestation.
He, therefore, in the most tranquil voice he could assume, protested
that he never was less out of his senses than at present, though
he did not know how long he might retain them, if he should be
considered in the light of a lunatic: that, in order to prove his
being Compos mentis, he was willing to sacrifice the resentment he
so justly harboured against those who, by their malice, had brought
him to this pass; but, as he apprehended it would be the greatest
sign of madness he could exhibit to thank them for the mischiefs
they had brought upon him, he desired to be excused from making any
such concession; and swore he would endure everything rather than
be guilty of such mean absurdity.

Peregrine held a consultation upon this reply, when the governor
and physician strenuously argued against any capitulation with
a maniac, and proposed that some method might be taken to seize,
fetter, and convey him into a dark room, where he might be treated
according to the rules of art; but the Capuchin, understanding the
circumstances of the case, undertook to restore him to his former
state, without having recourse to such violent measures. Pickle, who
was a better judge of the affair than any person present, opened
the door without further hesitation, and displayed the poor painter
standing with a woeful countenance, shivering in his shirt, which
was as wet as if he had been dragged through the Dender:--a spectacle
which gave such offence to the chaste eyes of the Hebrew's mistress,
who was by this time one of the spectators, that she turned her
head another way, and withdrew to her own room, exclaiming against
the indecent practices of men.

Pallet, seeing the young gentleman enter, ran to him, and, taking
him by the hands, called him his best friend, and said he had
rescued him from those who had a design against his life. The priest
would have produced his parings and applied them to his nose, but
was hindered by Pickle, who advised the patient to shift himself,
and put on his clothes. This being done with great order and
deliberation, Mr. Jolter who, with the doctor, had kept a wary
distance, in expectation of seeing some storage effects of his
distraction, began to believe that he had been guilty of a mistake,
and accused the physician of having misled him by his false
diagnostic. The doctor still insisted upon his former declaration
assuring him, that although Pallet enjoyed a short interval for the
present, the delirium would soon recur, unless they would profit
by this momentary calm, and order him to be blooded, blistered,
and purged with all imaginable despatch.

The governor, however, notwithstanding this caution, advanced to
the injured party, and begged pardon for the share he had in giving
him such disturbance. He declared, in the most solemn manner, that
he had no other intention than that of contributing towards his
welfare; and that his behaviour was the result of the physician's
prescription, which he affirmed was absolutely necessary for the
recovery of his health.

The painter, who had very little gall in his disposition, was
satisfied with this apology; but his resentment, which was before
divided, now glowed with double fire against his first fellow-traveller,
whom he looked upon as the author of all the mischances he had
undergone, and marked out for his vengeance accordingly. Yet the
doors of reconciliation were not shut against the doctor, who, with
great justice, might have transferred this load of offence from
himself to Peregrine, who was, without doubt, the source of the
painter's misfortune: but, in that case, he must have owned himself
mistaken in his medical capacity, and he did not think the friendship
of Pallet important enough to be retrieved by such condescension;
so that he resolved to neglect him entirely, and gradually forget
the former correspondence he had maintained with a person whom he
deemed so unworthy of his notice.


Peregrine, almost distracted with his Disappointment, conjures the
fair Fleming to permit his Visits at Brussels--She withdraws from
his Pursuit.

Things being thus adjusted, and all the company dressed, they
went to breakfast about five in the morning; and in less than an
hour after were seated in the diligence, where a profound silence
prevailed. Peregrine, who used to be the life of the society, was
extremely pensive and melancholy on account of his mishap, the
Israelite and his dulcinea dejected in consequence of their disgrace,
the poet absorbed in lofty meditation, the painter in schemes of
revenge; while Jolter, rocked by the motion of the carriage, made
himself amends for the want of rest he had sustained; and the
mendicant, with his fair charge, were infected by the cloudy aspect
of our youth, in whose disappointment each of them, for different
reasons, bore no inconsiderable share. This general languor and
recess from all bodily exercise disposed them all to receive the
gentle yoke of slumber; and in half-an-hour after they had embarked,
there was not one of them awake, except our hero and his mistress,
unless the Capuchin was pleased to counterfeit sleep, in order to
indulge our young gentleman with an opportunity of enjoying some
private conversation with his beauteous ward.

Peregrine did not neglect the occasion; but, on the contrary,
seized the first minute, and, in gentle murmurs, lamented his hard
hap in being thus the sport of fortune. He assured her, and that
with great sincerity, that all the cross accidents of his life
had not cost him one half of the vexation and keenness of chagrin
which he had suffered last night; and that now he was on the brink
of parting from her, he should be overwhelmed with the blackest
despair, if she would not extend her compassion so far as to give
him an opportunity of sighing at her feet in Brussels, during the
few days his affairs would permit him to spend in that city. This
young lady, with an air of mortification, expressed her sorrow for
being the innocent cause of his anxiety; said she hoped last night's
adventure would be a salutary warning to both their souls; for she
was persuaded, that her virtue was protected by the intervention
of Heaven; that whatever impression it might have made upon him,
she was enabled by it to adhere to that duty from which her passion
had begun to swerve; and, beseeching him to forget her for his own
peace, gave him to understand, that neither the plan she had laid
down for her own conduct, nor the dictates of her honour, would
allow her to receive his visits, or carry on any other correspondence
with him, while she was restricted by the articles of her marriage-vow.

This explanation produced such a violent effect upon her admirer,
that he was for some minutes deprived of the faculty of speech; which
he no sooner recovered, than he gave vent to the most unbridled
transports of passion. He taxed her with barbarity and indifference;
told her, that she had robbed him of his reason and internal peace;
that he would follow her to the ends of the earth, and cease to
live sooner than cease to love her; that he would sacrifice the
innocent fool who had been the occasion of all this disquiet, and
murder every man whom he considered as an obstruction to his views.
In a word, his passions, which had continued so long in a state of
the highest fermentation, together with the want of that repose which
calms and quiets the perturbation of the spirits, had wrought him
up to a pitch of real distraction. While he uttered these delirious
expressions, the tears ran down his cheeks; and he underwent such
agitation that the tender heart of the fair Fleming was affected
with his condition: and, while her own face was bedewed with
the streams of sympathy, she begged him, for Heaven's sake, to be
composed; and promised, for his satisfaction, to abate somewhat
of the rigour of her purpose. Consoled by this kind declaration,
he recollected himself; and, taking out his pencil, gave her his
address, when she had assured him, that he should hear from her in
four-and-twenty hours, at farthest, after their separation.

Thus soothed, he regained the empire of himself, and, by degrees,
recovered his serenity. But this was not the case with his Amanda,
who, from this sample of his disposition, dreaded the impetuosity
of his youth, and was effectually deterred from entering into any
engagements that might subject her peace and reputation to the rash
effects of such a violent spirit. Though she was captivated by his
person and accomplishments, she had reflection enough to foresee,
that the longer she countenanced his passion, her own heart would
be more and more irretrievably engaged, and the quiet of her life
the more exposed to continual interruption. She therefore profited
by these considerations, and a sense of religious honour, which
helped her to withstand the suggestions of inclination; and resolved
to amuse her lover with false hopes, until she should have it in her
power to relinquish his conversation, without running any risk of
suffering by the inconsiderate sallies of his love. It was with this
view that she desired he would not insist upon attending her to her
mother's house, when they arrived at Brussels; and he, cajoled by
her artifice, took a formal leave of her, together with the other
strangers, fixing his habitation at the inn to which he and his
fellow-travellers had been directed, in the impatient expectation
of receiving a kind summons from her within the limited time.

Meanwhile, in order to divert his imagination, he went to see
the stadthouse, park, and arsenal, took a superficial view of the
booksellers' cabinet of curiosities, and spent the evening at the
Italian opera, which was at that time exhibited for the entertainment
of Prince Charles of Lorraine, then governor of the Low Countries.
In short, the stated period was almost lapsed when Peregrine received
a letter to this purport:--

     "Sir,--If you knew what violence I do my own heart, in
     declaring, that I have withdrawn myself for ever from your
     addresses, you would surely applaud the sacrifice I make to
     virtue, and strive to imitate this example of self-denial.
     Yes, sir, Heaven hath lent me grace to struggle with my guilty
     passion, and henceforth to avoid the dangerous sight of him,
     who inspired it. I therefore conjure you, by the regard you
     ought to have to the eternal welfare of us both, as well as by
     the esteem and affection you profess, to war with your unruly
     inclination, and desist from all attempts of frustrating the
     laudable resolution I have made. Seek not to invade the peace
     of one who loves you, to disturb the quiet of a family that
     never did you wrong, and to alienate the thoughts of a weak
     woman from a deserving man, who, by the most sacred claim,
     ought to have the full possession of her heart."

This billet, without either date or subscription, banished all
remains of discretion from the mind of our hero, who ran instantly
to the landlord in all the ecstasy of madness, and demanded to see
the messenger who brought the letter on pain of putting his whole
family to the sword. The innkeeper, terrified by his looks and
menaces, fell upon his knees, protesting in the face of Heaven that
he was utterly ignorant and innocent of anything that could give
him offence, and that the billet was brought by a person whom he
did not know, and who retired immediately, saying it required no
answer. He then gave utterance to his fury in a thousand imprecations
and invectives against the writer, whom he dishonoured with the
appellations of a coquette, a jilt, an adventurer, who, by means
of a pimping priest, had defrauded him of his money. He denounced
vengeance against the mendicant, whom he swore he would destroy if
ever he should set eyes on him again.

The painter unluckily appearing during this paroxysm of rage,
he seized him by the throat, saying he was ruined by his accursed
folly; and in all likelihood poor Pallet would have been strangled
had not Jolter interposed in his behalf, beseeching his pupil to
have mercy upon the sufferer, and, with infinite anxiety, desiring
to know the cause of this violent assault. He received no answer but
a string of incoherent curses. When the painter, with unspeakable
astonishment, took God to witness that he bad done nothing to
disoblige him, the governor began to think, in sad earnest, that
Peregrine's vivacity had at length risen to the transports of actual
madness, and was himself almost distracted with this supposition.
That he might the better judge what remedy ought to be applied,
he used his whole influence, and practised all his eloquence upon
the youth, in order to learn the immediate cause of his delirium.
He employed the most pathetic entreaties, and even shed tears in
the course of his supplication; so that Pickle, the first violence
of the hurricane being blown over, was ashamed of his own imprudence,
and retired to his chamber in order to recollect his dissipated
thoughts; there he shut himself up, and for the second time perusing
the fatal epistle, began to waver in his opinion of the author's
character and intention. He sometimes considered her as one of those
nymphs, who, under the mask of innocence and simplicity, practise
upon the hearts and purses of unwary and inexperienced youths:
this was the suggestion of his wrath inflamed by disappointment;
but when he reflected upon the circumstances of her behaviour, and
recalled her particular charms to his imagination, the severity
of his censure gave way and his heart declared in favour of her

Yet even this consideration aggravated the sense of his loss, and
he was in danger of relapsing into his former distraction, when
his passion was a little becalmed by the hope of seeing her again,
either by accident or in the course of a diligent and minute
inquiry, which he forthwith resolved to set on foot. He had reason
to believe that her own heart would espouse his cause in spite of
her virtue's determination; and did not despair of meeting with the
Capuchin, whose good offices he knew he could at any time command.
Comforted with these reflections, the tempest of his soul subsided.
In less than two hours he joined his company with an air of composure,
and asked the painter's forgiveness for the freedom he had taken,
the cause of which he promised hereafter to explain.  Pallet was
glad of being reconciled on any terms to one whose countenance
supported him in equilibrio with his antagonist the doctor; and
Mr. Jolter was rejoiced beyond measure at his pupil's recovery.


Peregrine meets with Mrs. Hornbeck, and is consoled for his Loss--His
Valet-de-chambre is embroiled with her Duenna, whom, however, he
finds means to appease.

Everything having thus resumed its natural channel, they dined
together in great tranquility. In the afternoon, Peregrine, on
pretence of staying at home to write letters, while his companions
were at the coffee-house, ordered a coach to be called, and, with
his valet-de-chambre, who was the only person acquainted with the
present state of his thoughts, set out for the promenade, to which
all the ladies of fashion resort in the evening during the summer
season, in hopes of seeing his fugitive among the rest.

Having made a circuit round the walk, and narrowly observed every
female in the place, he perceived at some distance the livery of
Hornbeck upon a lacquey that stood at the back of a coach; upon
which he ordered his man to reconnoitre the said carriage, while
he pulled up his glasses, that he might not be discovered before
he should have received some intelligence by which he might conduct
himself on this unexpected occasion, that already began to interfere
with the purpose of his coming thither, though it could not dispute
his attention with the idea of his charming unknown.

His Mercury, having made his observations, reported that there
was nobody in the coach but Mrs. Hornbeck and an elderly woman,
who had all the air of a duenna; and that the servant was not the
same footman who had attended them in France. Encouraged by this
information, our hero ordered himself to be driven close up to
that side of their convenience on which his old mistress sat, and
accosted her with the usual salutation. This lady no sooner beheld
her gallant than her cheeks reddened with a double glow, and she
exclaimed, "Dear brother, I am overjoyed to see you! Pray come into
our coach." He took the hint immediately, and, complying with her
request, embraced this new sister with great affection.

Perceiving that her attendant was very much surprised and alarmed
at this unexpected meeting, she, in order to banish her suspicion,
and at the same time give her lover his cue, told him that his
brother (meaning her husband) was gone to the Spa for a few weeks,
by the advice of physicians, on account of his ill state of health;
and that, from his last letter, she had the pleasure to tell him
he was in a fair way of doing well. The young gentleman expressed
his satisfaction at this piece of news; observing, with an air of
fraternal concern, that if his brother had not made too free with
his constitution, his friends in England would have had no occasion to
repine at his absence and want of health, by which he was banished
from his own country and connections. He then asked, with an
affectation of surprise, why she had not accompanied her spouse,
and was given to understand that his tenderness of affection would
not suffer him to expose her to the fatigues of the journey, which
lay among rocks that were almost inaccessible.

The duenna's doubts being eased by this preamble of conversation,
he changed the subject to the pleasures of the place; and, among
other such questions, inquired if she had as yet visited Versailles.
This is a public-house, situated upon the canal, at the distance of
about two miles from town, and accommodated with tolerable gardens,
for the entertainment of company. When she replied in the negative,
he proposed to accompany her thither immediately; but the governante,
who had hitherto sat silent, objected to this proposal; telling
them, in broken English, that as the lady was under her care, she
could not answer to Mr. Hornbeck for allowing her to visit such a
suspicious place. "As for that matter, madam," said the confident
gallant, "give yourself no trouble; the consequences shall be at
my peril; and I will undertake to insure you against my brother's
resentment." So saying, he directed the coachman to the place, and
ordered his own to follow, under the auspices of his valet-de-chambre;
while the old gentlewoman, overruled by his assurance, quietly
submitted to his authority.

Being arrived at the place, he handed the ladies from the coach,
and then, for the first time, observed that the duenna was lame,
a circumstance of which he did not scruple to take the advantage;
for they had scarce alighted, and drunk a glass of wine, when
he advised his sister to enjoy a walk in the garden; and although
the attendant made shift to keep them almost always in view, they
enjoyed a detached conversation, in which Peregrine learned that the
true cause of her being left behind at Brussels, whilst her husband
proceeded to Spa, was his dread of the company and familiarities of
that place, to which his jealousy durst not expose her; and that
she had lived three weeks in a convent at Lisle, from which she
was delivered by his own free motion, because indeed he could no
longer exist without her company; and, lastly, our lover understood
that her governante was a mere dragon, who had been recommended
to him by a Spanish merchant, whose wife she attended to her dying
day; but she very much questioned whether or not her fidelity was
proof enough against money and strong waters. Peregrine assured her
the experiment should be tried before parting; and they agreed to
pass the night at Versailles, provided his endeavours should succeed.

Having exercised themselves in this manner, until his duenna's spirits
were pretty much exhausted, that she might be the be the better
disposed to recruit them with a glass of liqueur, they returned to
their apartment, and the cordial was recommended and received in a
bumper; but as it did not produce such a visible alteration as the
sanguine hopes of Pickle had made him expect, and the old gentlewoman
observed that it began to be late, and that the gates would be shut
in a little time, he filled up a parting glass, and pledged her in
equal quantity. Her blood was too much chilled to be warmed even by
this extraordinary dose, which made immediate innovation in the brain
of our youth, who, in the gaiety of his imagination, overwhelmed
this she-Argus with such profusion of gallantry, that she was more
intoxicated with his expressions than with the spirits she had drunk.
When in the course of toying he dropped a purse into her bosom, she
seemed to forget how the night wore, and, with the approbation of
her charge, assented to his proposal of having something for supper.

This was a great point which our adventurer had gained; and yet
he plainly perceived that the governante mistook his meaning, by
giving herself credit for all the passion he had professed. As this
error could be rectified by no other means than those of plying
her with the bottle, until her distinguishing faculties should be
overpowered, he promoted a quick circulation. She did him justice,
without any manifest signs of inebriation, so long, that his own
eyes began to reel in the sockets, and he found that before his
scheme could be accomplished, he should be effectually unfitted
for all the purposes of love. He therefore had recourse to his
valet-de-chambre, who understood the hint as soon as it was given,
and readily undertook to perform the part of which his master had
played the prelude. This affair being settled to his satisfaction,
and the night at odds with morning, he took an opportunity of
imparting to the ear of this aged dulcinea a kind whisper, importing
a promise of visiting her when his sister should be retired to her
own chamber, and an earnest desire of leaving her door unlocked.

This agreeable intimation being communicated, he conveyed a caution
of the same nature to Mrs. Hornbeck, as he led her to her apartment;
and darkness and silence no sooner prevailed in the house, than
he and his trusted squire set out on their different voyages.
Everything would have succeeded according to their wish, had not
the valet-de-chambre suffered himself to fall asleep at the side of
his inamorata, and, in the agitation of a violent dream, exclaimed
in a voice so unlike that of her supposed adorer, that she
distinguished the difference at once. Waking him with a pinch and
a loud shriek, she threatened to prosecute him for a rape, and
reviled him with all the epithets her rage and disappointment could

The Frenchman, finding himself detected, behaved with great temper
and address:  be begged she would compose herself, on account of
her own reputation, which was extremely dear to him; protesting that
he had a most inviolable esteem for her person. His representations
had weight with the duenna, who, upon recollection, comprehended
the whole affair, and thought it would be her interest to bring
matters to an accommodation. She therefore admitted the apologies
of her bed-fellow, provided he would promise to atone by marriage
for the injury she had sustained; and in this particular he set her
heart at ease by repeated vows, which he uttered with surprising
volubility, though without any intention to perform the least title
of their contents.

Peregrine, who had been alarmed by her exclamation, and ran
to the door with a view of interposing according to the emergency
of the case, overhearing the affair thus compromised, returned to
his mistress, who was highly entertained with an account of what
had passed, foreseeing that for the future she should be under no
difficulty or restriction from the severity of her guard.


Hornbeck is informed of his Wife's Adventure with Peregrine, for
whom he prepares a Stratagem, which is rendered ineffectual by the
Information of Pipes--The Husband is ducked for his Intention, and
our Hero apprehended by the Patrol.

There was another person, however, still ungained; and that was no
other than her footman, whose secrecy our hero attempted to secure
in the morning by a handsome present, which he received with many
professions of gratitude and devotion to his service; yet this
complaisance was nothing but a cloak used to disguise the design he
harboured of making his master acquainted with the whole transaction.
Indeed this lacquey had been hired, not only as a spy upon his
mistress, but also as a check on the conduct of the governante, with
promise of ample reward if ever he should discover any sinister or
suspicious practices in the course of her behaviour.  As for the
footman whom they had brought from England, he was retained in
attendance upon the person of his master, whose confidence he had
lost by advising him to gentle methods of reclaiming his lady, when
her irregularities had subjected her to his wrath.

The Flemish valet, in consequence of the office he had undertaken,
wrote to Hornbeck by the first post, giving an exact detail of the
adventure at Versailles, with such a description of the pretended
brother as left the husband no room to think he could be any other
person than his first dishonourer; and exasperated him to such
a degree, that he resolved to lay an ambush for this invader, and
at once disqualify him from disturbing his repose, by maintaining
further correspondence with his wife.

Meanwhile the lovers enjoyed themselves without restraint, and
Peregrine's plan of inquiry after his dear unknown was for the
present postponed. His fellow-travellers were confounded at his
mysterious motions, which filled the heart of Jolter with anxiety
and terror. This careful conductor was fraught with such experience
of his pupil's disposition, that he trembled with the apprehension
of some sudden accident, and lived in continual alarm, like a man
that walks under the wall of a nodding tower. Nor did he enjoy any
alleviations of his fears, when, upon telling the young gentleman
that the rest of the company were desirous of departing for Antwerp,
he answered, they were at liberty to consult their own inclinations;
but, for his own part, he was resolved to stay in Brussels a few
days longer. By this declaration the governor was confirmed in the
opinion of his having some intrigue upon the anvil. In the bitterness
of his vexation, he took the liberty of signifying his suspicion,
and reminding him of the dangerous dilemmas to which he had been
reduced by his former precipitation.

Peregrine took his caution in good part, and promised to behave
with such circumspection as would screen him from any troublesome
consequences for the future: but, nevertheless, behaved that same
evening in such a manner as plainly showed that his prudence was
nothing else than vain speculation. He had made an appointment
to spend the night, as usual, with Mrs. Hornbeck; and about nine
o'clock hastened to her lodgings, when he was accosted in the
street by his old discarded friend Thomas Pipes, who, without any
other preamble, told him, that for all he had turned him adrift, he
did not choose to see him run full sail into his enemy's harbour,
without giving him timely notice of the danger. "I'll tell you
what," said he; "mayhap you think I want to curry favour, that I
may be taken in tow again; if you do, you have made a mistake in
your reckoning. I am old enough to be laid up, and have to keep my
planks from the weather. But this here is the affair: I have known
you since you were no higher than a marlinspike, and shouldn't care
to see you deprived of your rigging at these years; whereby I am
informed by Hornbeck's man, whom I this afternoon fell in with by
chance, as how his master has got intelligence of your boarding
his wife, and has steered privately into this port with a large
complement of hands, in order, d'ye see, to secure you while you
are under the hatches. Now, if so be as how you have a mind to
give him a salt eel for his supper, here am I, without hope of fee
or reward, ready to stand by you as long as my timbers will stick
together: and if I expect any recompense, may I be bound to eat
oakum and drink bilge-water for life."

Startled at this information, Peregrine examined him upon the
particulars of his discourse with the lacquey; and when he understood
that Hornbeck's intelligence flowed from the canal of his Flemish
footman, he believed every circumstance of Tom's report, thanked
him for his warning, and, after having reprimanded him for his
misbehaviour at Lisle, assured him that it should be his own fault
if ever they should part again. He then deliberated with himself
whether or not he should retort the purpose upon his adversary; but
when he considered that Hornbeck was not the aggressor, and made
that unhappy husband's case his own, he could not help quitting his
intention of revenge; though, in his opinion, it ought to have been
executed in a more honourable manner, and therefore he determined
to chastise him for his want of spirit.  Nothing surely can be
more insolent and unjust than this determination, which induced him
to punish a person for his want of courage to redress the injury
which he himself had done to his reputation and peace; and yet this
barbarity of decision is authorised by the opinion and practice of

With these sentiments he returned to the inn, and, putting a pair
of pistols in his pocket, ordered his valet-de-chambre and Pipes
to follow him at a small distance, so as that they should be within
call in case of necessity, and then posted himself within thirty
yards of his dulcinea's door. There he had not been above half an
hour, when he perceived four men take their station on the other
side, with a view, as he guessed, to watch for his going in, that
he might be taken unaware. But when they had tarried a considerable
time in that corner, without reaping the fruits of their expectation,
their leader, persuaded that the gallant had gained admittance by
some secret means, approached the door with his followers, who,
according to the instructions they had received, no sooner saw it
opened, than they rushed in, leaving their employer in the street,
where he thought his person would be least endangered.  Our
adventurer, seeing him all alone, advanced with speed, and clapping
a pistol to his breast, commanded him to follow his footsteps.
without noise, on pain of immediate death.

Terrified at this sudden apparition, Hornbeck obeyed in silence;
and, in a few minutes, they arrived at the quay, where Pickle,
halting, gave him to understand that he was no stranger to his
villainous design; told him, that if he conceived himself injured
by any circumstance of his conduct, he would now give him an
opportunity of resenting the wrong in a manner becoming a man of
honour. "You have a sword about you," said he; "or, if you don't
choose to put the affair on that issue, here is a brace of pistols;
take which you please." Such an address could not fail to disconcert
a man of his character. After some hesitation, he, in a faltering
accent, denied that his design was to mutilate Mr. Pickle, but that
he thought himself entitled to the benefit of the law, by which he
would have obtained a divorce, if he could have procured evidence
of his wife's infidelity; and, with that view, he had employed people
to take advantage of the information he had received. With regard
to this alternative, he declined it entirely, because he could not
see what satisfaction he should enjoy in being shot through the
head, or run through the lungs, by a person who had already wronged
him in an irreparable manner. Lastly, his fear made him propose
that the affair should be left to the arbitration of two creditable
men, altogether unconcerned in the dispute.

To these remonstrances Peregrine replied, in the style of a hot-headed
young man, conscious of his own unjustifiable behaviour, that every
gentleman ought to be a judge of his own honour and therefore he
would submit to the decision of no umpire whatsoever; that he would
forgive his want of courage, which might be a natural infirmity,
but his mean dissimulation he could not pardon. That, as he was
certified of the rascally intent of his ambuscade by undoubted
intelligence, he would treat him, not with a retaliation of his
own treachery, but with such indignity as a scoundrel deserves to
suffer, unless he would make one effort to maintain the character
he assumed in life. So saying, he again presented his pistols,
which being rejected as before, he called his two ministers, and
ordered them to duck him in the canal.

This command was pronounced and executed almost in the same breath,
to the unspeakable terror and disorder of the poor shivering patient,
who, having undergone the immersion, ran about like a drowned rat,
squeaking for assistance and revenge. His cries were overheard by
the patrol, who, chancing to pass that way, took him under their
protection, and, in consequence of his complaint and information,
went in pursuit of our adventurer and his attendants, who were
soon overtaken and surrounded. Rash and inconsiderate as the young
gentleman was, he did not pretend to stand upon the defensive
against a file of musketeers, although Pipes had drawn his cutlass
at their approach, but surrendered himself without opposition,
and was conveyed to the main guard, where the commanding officer,
engaged by his appearance and address, treated him with all imaginable
respect. Hearing the particulars of his adventure, he assured him
that the prince would consider the whole as a tour de jeunesse,
and order him to be released without delay.

Next morning, when this gentleman gave in his report, he made such
a favourable representation of the prisoner, that our hero was on
the point of being discharged, when Hornbeck preferred a complaint,
accusing him of a purposed assassination, and praying that such
punishment should be inflicted upon him as his highness should
think adequate to the nature of the crime. The prince, perplexed
with this petition, in consequence of which he foresaw that he
must disoblige a British subject, sent for the plaintiff, of whom
he had some knowledge, and, in person, exhorted him to drop the
prosecution, which would only serve to propagate his own shame. But
Hornbeck was too much incensed to listen to any proposal of that
kind, and peremptorily demanded justice against the prisoner, whom
he represented as an obscure adventurer, who had made repeated
attempts upon his honour and his life. Prince Charles told him,
that what he had advised was in the capacity of a friend; but, since
he insisted upon his acting as a magistrate, the affair should be
examined, and determined according to the dictates of justice and

The petitioner being dismissed with this promise, the defendant
was, in his turn, brought before the judge, whose prepossession in
his favour was in a great measure weakened by what his antagonist
had said to the prejudice of his birth and reputation.


Peregrine is released--Jolter confounded at his mysterious Conduct--A
Contest happens between the Poet and Painter, who are reconciled
by the Mediation of their Fellow-Travellers.

Our hero, understanding from some expressions which escaped
the prince, that he was considered in the light of a sharper and
assassin, begged that he might have the liberty of sending for
some vouchers, that would probably vindicate his character from
the malicious aspersions of his adversary. This permission being
granted, he wrote a letter to his governor, desiring that he would
bring to him the letters of recommendation which he had received
from the British ambassador at Paris, and such other papers as he
thought conducive to evince the importance of his situation.

The billet was given in charge to one of the subaltern officers
on duty, who carried it to the inn, and demanded to speak with Mr.
Jolter. Pallet, who happened to be at the door when this messenger
arrived, and heard him inquire for the tutor, ran directly to that
gentleman's apartment, and in manifest disorder, told him that a
huge fellow of a soldier, with a monstrous pair of whiskers, and
fur cap as big as a bushel, was asking for him at the door. The
poor governor began to shake at this intimation, though he was
not conscious of having committed anything that could attract the
attention of the state. When the officer appeared at his chamber
door, his confusion increased to such a degree, that his perception
seemed to vanish, and the subaltern repeated the purport of his errand
three times, before he could comprehend his meaning, or venture to
receive the letter which he presented. At length he summoned all
his fortitude, and having perused the epistle, his terror sank into
anxiety. His ingenuous fear immediately suggested, that Peregrine
was confined in a dungeon, for some outrage he had committed. He
ran with great agitation to a trunk, and, taking out a bundle of
papers, followed his conductor, being attended by the painter, to
whom he had hinted his apprehension.

When they passed through the guard, which was under arms, the hearts
of both died within them; and when they came into the presence,
there was such an expression of awful horror on the countenance
of Jolter, that the prince, observing his dismay, was pleased to
encourage him with an assurance that he had nothing to fear. Thus
comforted, he recollected himself so well as to understand his
pupil, when he desired him to produce the ambassador's letters;
some of which being open, were immediately read by his highness,
who was personally acquainted with the writer, and knew several
of the noblemen to whom they were addressed. These recommendations
were so warm, and represented the young gentleman in such an
advantageous light, that the prince, convinced of the injustice his
character had suffered by the misrepresentation of Hornbeck, took
our hero by the hand, asked pardon for the doubts he had entertained
of his honour, declared him from that moment at liberty, ordered
his domestics to be enlarged, and offered him his countenance and
protection as long as he should remain in the Austrian Netherlands.
At the same time, he cautioned him against indiscretion in the
course of his gallantries; and took his word of honour, that he
should drop all measures of resentment against the person of Hornbeck
during his residence in that place.

The delinquent, thus honourably acquitted, thanked the prince
in the most respectful manner for his generosity and candour, and
retired with his two friends, who were amazed and bewildered in
their thoughts at what they had seen and heard, the whole adventure
still remaining without the sphere of their comprehension, which
was not at all enlarged by the unaccountable appearance of Pipes,
who, with the valet-de-chambre, joined them at the castle gate.
Had Jolter been a man of a luxuriant imagination, his brain would
undoubtedly have suffered in the investigation of his pupil's
mysterious conduct, which he strove in vain to unravel; but his
intellects were too solid to be affected by the miscarriage of
his invention; and, as Peregrine did not think proper to make him
acquainted with the cause of his being apprehended, he contented
himself with supposing that there was a lady in the case.

The painter, whose imagination was of a more flimsy texture. formed
a thousand chimerical conjectures, which he communicated to Pickle,
in imperfect insinuations, hoping, by his answers and behaviour,
to discover the truth: but the youth, in order to tantalise him,
eluded all his inquiries, with such appearance of industry and
art, as heightened his curiosity, while it disappointed his aim,
and inflamed him to such a degree of impatience, that his wits began
to be unsettled: then Peregrine was fain to recompose his brain,
by telling him in confidence, that he had been arrested as a spy.
This secret he found more intolerable than his former uncertainty.
He ran from one apartment to another, like a goose in the agonies
of egg-laying, with intention of disburdening this important load;
but Jolter being engaged with the pupil, and all the people of the
house ignorant of the only language he could speak, he was compelled,
with infinite reluctance, to address himself to the doctor, who
was at that time shut up in his own chamber. Having knocked at the
door to no purpose, he peeped through the key-hole, and saw the
physician sitting at a table, with a pen in one hand, and paper
before him, his head reclined upon his other hand, and his eyes fixed
upon the ceiling, as if he had been entranced. Pallet, concluding
that he was under the power of some convulsion, endeavoured to force
the door open, and the noise of his efforts recalled the doctor
from his reverie.

This poetical republican, being so disagreeably disturbed, started
up in a passion, and, opening the door, no sooner perceived who
had interrupted him, than he flung it in his face with great fury,
and cursed him for his impertinent intrusion, which had deprived him
of the most delightful vision that ever regaled the human fancy.
He imagined, as he afterwards imparted to Peregrine, that, as he
enjoyed himself in walking through the flowery plain that borders
on Parnassus, he was met by a venerable sage, whom, by a certain
divine vivacity that lightened from his eyes, he instantly knew to
be the immortal Pindar. He was immediately struck with reverence
and awe, and prostrated himself before the apparition, which, taking
him by the hand, lifted him gently from the ground and, with words
more sweet than the honey of the Hybla bees, told him, that, of
all the moderns, he alone was visited by that celestial impulse
by which he himself had been inspired, when he produced his most
applauded odes.  So saying, he led him up the sacred hill, persuaded
him to drink a copious draught of the waters of the Hippocrene, and
then presented him to the harmonious Nine, who crowned his temples
with a laurel wreath.

No wonder that he was enraged to find himself cut off from such
sublime society. He raved in Greek against the invader, who was so
big with his own purpose, that, unmindful of the disgrace he had
sustained, and disregarding all the symptoms of the physician's
displeasure, he applied his mouth to the door, in an eager tone.
"I'll hold you any wager," said he, "that I guess the true cause
of Mr. Pickle's imprisonment." To this challenge he received no
reply, and therefore repeated it, adding, "I suppose you imagine
he was taken up for fighting a duel, or affronting a nobleman, or
lying with some man's wife, or some such matter: but, egad! you
was never more mistaken in your life; and I'll lay my Cleopatra
against your Homer's head, that in four-and-twenty hours you shan't
light on the true reason."

The favourite of the muses, exasperated at this vexatious perseverance
of the painter, who he imagined had come to tease and insult him,
"I would," said he, "sacrifice a cock to Esculapius, were I assured
that any person had been taken up for extirpating such a troublesome
Goth as you are from the face of the earth. As for your boasted
Cleopatra, which you say was drawn from your own wife, I believe
the copy has as much of the to kalon as the original: but, were
it mine, it should be hung up in the Temple of Cloacina, as the
picture of that goddess; for any other apartment would be disgraced
by its appearance."--"Hark ye, sir," replied Pallet, enraged in his
turn at the contemptuous mention of his darling performance, "you
may make as free with my wife as you think proper, but 'ware my
works; those are the children of my fancy, conceived by the glowing
imagination, and formed by the art of my own hands: and you yourself
are a Goth, and a Turk, and a Tartar, and an impudent pretending
jackanapes, to treat with such disrespect a production which, in
the opinion of all the connoisseurs of the age, will, when finished,
be a masterpiece in its kind, and do honour to human genius and
skill. So I say again and again, and I care not though your friend
Playtor heard me, that you have no more taste than a drayman's horse,
and that those foolish notions of the ancients ought to be drubbed
out of you with a  pod cudgel, that you might learn to treat men
of parts with more veneration. Perhaps you may not always be in
the company of one who will halloo for assistance when you are on
the brink of being chastised for your insolence, as I did, when
you brought upon yourself the resentment of that Scot, who, by the
Lord! would have paid you both scot and lot, as Falstaff says, if
the French officer had not put him in arrest."

The physician, to this declamation, which was conveyed through the
key-hole, answered, that he (the painter) was a fellow so infinitely
below his consideration, that his conscience upbraided him with no
action of his life, except that of choosing such a wretch for his
companion and fellow-traveller. That he had viewed his character
through the medium of good-nature and compassion, which had prompted
him to give Pallet an opportunity of acquiring some new ideas
under his immediate instruction; but he had abused his goodness and
condescension in such a flagrant manner, that he was now determined
to discard him entirely from his acquaintance; and desired him,
for the present, to take himself away, on pain of being kicked for
his presumption.

Pallet was too much incensed to be intimidated by this threat, which
he retorted with great virulence, defying him to come forth, that
it might appear which of them was best skilled in that pedestrian
exercise, which he immediately began to practise against the door
with such thundering application, as reached the ears of Pickle
and his governor, who coming out into the passage, and seeing him
thus employed, asked if he had forgot the chamber-pots of Alost,
that he ventured to behave in such a manner as entitled him to a
second prescription of the same nature.

The doctor, understanding that there was company at hand, opened
the door in a twinkling, and, springing upon his antagonist like
a tiger, a fierce contention would have ensued, to the infinite
satisfaction of our hero, had not Jolter, to the manifest peril
of his own person, interposed, and partly by force, and partly by
exhortations, put a stop to the engagement before it was fairly
begun. After having demonstrated the indecency of such a vulgar
rencontre, betwixt two fellow-citizens in a foreign land, he
begged to know the cause of their dissension, and offered his good
offices towards an accommodation. Peregrine also, seeing the fray
was finished, expressed himself to the same purpose; and the painter,
for obvious reasons, declining an explanation, his antagonist
told the youth what a mortifying interruption he had suffered by
the impertinent intrusion of Pallet, and gave him a detail of the
particulars of his vision, as above recited. The arbiter owned the
provocation was not to be endured; and decreed that the offender
should make some atonement for his transgression. Upon which the
painter observed, that, however he might have been disposed to make
acknowledgments, if the physician had signified his displeasure
like a gentleman, the complainant had now forfeited all claim to
any such concessions, by the vulgar manner in which he had reviled
him and his productions; observing, that, if he (the painter) had
been inclined to retort his slanderous insinuations, the republican's
own works would have afforded ample subject for his ridicule and

After divers disputes and representations, peace was at length
concluded, on condition, that, for the future, the doctor should
never mention Cleopatra, unless he could say something in her
praise; and that Pallet, in consideration of his having been the
first aggressor, should make a sketch of the physician's vision,
to be engraved and prefixed to the next edition of his odes.


The Travellers depart for Antwerp, at which place the Painter gives
a loose to his Enthusiasm.

Our adventurer, baffled in all his efforts to retrieve his lost
Amanda, yielded at length to the remonstrances of his governor
and fellow-travellers, who, out of pure complaisance to him, had
exceeded their intended stay by six days at least; and a couple of
post-chaises, with three riding-horses, being hired, they departed
from Brussels in the morning, dined at Mechlin, and arrived about
eight in the evening at the venerable city of Antwerp. During this
day's journey Pallet was elevated to an uncommon flow of spirits,
with the prospect of seeing the birthplace of Rubens, for whom he
professed an enthusiastic admiration. He swore, that the pleasure
he felt was equal to that of a Mussulman, on the last day of his
pilgrimage to Mecca; and that he already considered himself a native
of Antwerp, being so intimately acquainted with their so justly
boasted citizen, from whom, at certain junctures, he could not
help believing himself derived, because his own pencil adopted the
manner of that great man with surprising facility, and his face
wanted nothing but a pair of whiskers and a beard, to exhibit the
express image of the Fleming's countenance. He told them he was
so proud of this resemblance, that, in order to render it more
striking, he had, at one time of his life, resolved to keep his
face sacred from the razor; and in that purpose had persevered,
notwithstanding the continual reprehensions of Mrs. Pallet, (who,
being then with child), said, his aspect was so hideous, that she
dreaded a miscarriage every hour, until she threatened in plain
terms, to dispute the sanity of his intellects, and apply to the
chancellor for a committee.

The doctor, on this occasion, observed, that a man who is not proof
against the solicitations of a woman, can never expect to make a
great figure in life; that painters and poets ought to cultivate
no wives but the Muses; or, if they are by the accidents of fortune
encumbered with families, they should carefully guard against
that pernicious weakness, falsely honoured with the appellation of
natural affection, and pay no manner of regard to the impertinent
customs of the world. "Granting that you had been for a short time
deemed a lunatic," said he, "you might have acquitted yourself
honourably of that imputation, by some performance that would have
raised your character above all censure. Sophocles himself, that
celebrated tragic poet, who, for the sweetness of his versification,
was styled Melitta, or "the Bee," in his old age, suffered the same
accusation from his own children. who, seeing him neglect his family
affairs, and devote himself entirely to poetry, carried him before
the magistrate, as a man whose intellects were so much impaired by
the infirmities of age, that he was no longer fit to manage his
domestic concerns; upon which the reverend bard produced his tragedy
of Oidipus epi Kolono, as a work he had just finished; which being
perused, instead of being declared unsound of understanding, he
was dismissed with admiration and applause. I wish your beard and
whiskers had been sanctioned by the like authority; though I am
afraid you would have been in the predicament of those disciples of
a certain philosopher, who drank decoctions of cummin seeds, that
their faces might adopt the paleness of their master's complexion,
hoping that, in being as wan, they would be as learned as their
teacher." The painter, stung by this sarcasm, replied, "or like
those virtuosi, who, by repeating Greek, eating sillikicaby, and
pretending to see visions, think they equal the ancients in taste
and genius." The physician retorted, Pallet rejoined, and the
altercation continued until they entered the gates of Antwerp, when
the admirer of Rubens broke forth into a rapturous exclamation,
which put an end to the dispute and attracted the notice of
the inhabitants, many of whom by shrugging up their shoulders and
pointing to their foreheads, gave shrewd indications that they
believed him a poor gentleman disordered in his brain.

They had no sooner alighted at the inn, than this pseudo-enthusiast
proposed to visit the great church, in which he had been informed
some of his master's pieces were to be seen, and was remarkably
chagrined, when he understood that he could not be admitted
till next day. He rose next morning by day-break, and disturbed
his fellow-travellers in such a noisy and clamorous manner, that
Peregrine determined to punish him with some new infliction, and,
while he put on his clothes, actually formed the plan of promoting
a duel between him and the doctor, in the management of which,
he promised himself store of entertainment, from the behaviour of

Being provided with one of those domestics who are always in waiting
to offer their services to strangers on their first arrival, they
were conducted to the house of a gentleman who had an excellent
collection of pictures; and though the greatest part of them were
painted by his favourite artist, Pallet condemned them all by the
lump, because Pickle had told him beforehand that there was not
one performance of Rubens among the number.

The next place they visited was what is called the Academy of
Painting, furnished with a number of paltry pieces, in which our
painter recognised the style of Peter Paul, with many expressions
of admiration, on the same sort of previous intelligence.

From this repository, they went to the great church; and being led
to the tomb of Rubens, the whimsical painter fell upon his knees,
and worshipped with such appearance of devotion, that the attendant,
scandalized at his superstition, pulled him up, observing, with
great warmth, that the person buried in that place was no saint,
but as great a sinner as himself; and that, if he was spiritually
disposed, there was a chapel of the Blessed Virgin, at the distance
of three yards on the right hand, to which he might retire. He
thought it was incumbent upon him to manifest some extraordinary
inspiration, while he resided on the spot where Rubens was born;
and, therefore, his whole behaviour was an affectation of rapture,
expressed in distracted exclamations, convulsive starts, and uncouth
gesticulations. In the midst of this frantic behaviour, he saw an
old Capuchin, with a white beard, mount the pulpit, and hold forth
to the congregation with such violence of emphasis and gesture, as
captivated his fancy; and, bawling aloud, "Zounds! what an excellent
Paul preaching at Athens!" he pulled a pencil and a small memorandum
book from his pocket, and began to take a sketch of the orator,
with great eagerness and agitation, saying "Egad! friend Raphael,
we shall see whether you or I have got the best knack at trumping
up an apostle." This appearance of disrespect gave offence to the
audience, who began to murmur against this heretic libertine; when
one of the priests belonging to the choir, in order to prevent any
ill consequence from their displeasure, came and told him in the
French language, that such liberties were not permitted in their
religion, and advised him to lay aside his implements, lest the
people should take umbrage at his design, and be provoked to punish
him as a profane scoffer at their worship.

The painter, seeing himself addressed by a friar, who, while
he spoke, bowed with great complaisance, imagined that he was a
begging brother come to supplicate his charity; and his attention
being quite engrossed by the design he was making, he patted the
priest's shaven crown with his hand, saying, Oter tems, oter tems,
and then resumed his pencil with great earnestness. The ecclesiastic,
perceiving that the stranger did not comprehend his meaning, pulled
him by the sleeve, and explained himself in the Latin tongue: upon
which Pallet, provoked at his intrusion, cursed him aloud for an
impudent beggarly son of a w--, and, taking out a shilling, flung
it upon the pavement, with manifest signs of indignation.

Some of the common people, enraged to see their religion contemned,
and their priests insulted at the very altar, rose from their
seats, and, surrounding the astonished painter, one of the number
snatched his book from his hand, and tore it into a thousand pieces.
Frightened as he was, he could not help crying "Fire and fagots!
all my favourite ideas are gone to wreck!" and was in danger of
being very roughly handled by the crowd, had not Peregrine stepped
in, and assured them, that he was a poor unhappy gentleman,
who laboured under a transport of the brain. Those who understood
the French language communicated this information to the rest, so
that he escaped without any other chastisement than being obliged
to retire.  And as they could not see the famous Descent from the
Cross till after the service was finished, they were conducted
by their domestic to the house of a painter, where they found a
beggar standing for his picture, and the artist actually employed
in representing a huge louse that crawled upon his shoulder. Pallet
was wonderfully pleased with this circumstance, which he said
was altogether a new thought, and an excellent hint, of which he
would make his advantage: and, in the course of his survey of this
Fleming's performances, perceiving a piece in which two flies were
engaged upon the carcass of a dog half devoured, he ran to his
brother brush, and swore he was worthy of being a fellow-citizen
of the immortal Rubens. He then lamented, with many expressions of
grief and resentment, that he had lost his commonplace book, in
which he had preserved a thousand conceptions of the same sort,
formed by the accidental objects of his senses and imagination;
and took an opportunity of telling his fellow-travellers, that in
execution he had equalled, if not excelled, the two ancient painters
who had vied with each other in the representation of a curtain
and a bunch of grapes; for he had exhibited the image of a certain
object so like to nature, that the bare sight of it set a whole
hog-sty in an uproar.

When he had examined and applauded all the productions of this minute
artist, they returned to the great church, and were entertained
with the view of that celebrated masterpiece of Rubens, in which
he has introduced the portraits of himself and his whole family.
The doors that conceal this capital performance were no sooner
unfolded, than our enthusiast, debarred the use of speech, by
a previous covenant with his friend Pickle, lifted up his hands
and eyes, and putting himself in the attitude of Hamlet, when his
father's ghost appears, adored in silent ecstasy and awe. He even
made a merit of necessity; and, when they had withdrawn from the
place, protested that his whole faculties were swallowed up in love
and admiration. He now professed himself more than ever enamoured
of the Flemish school, raved in extravagant encomiums, and proposed
that the whole company should pay homage to the memory of the divine
Rubens, by repairing forthwith to the house in which he lived, and
prostrating themselves on the floor of his painting-room.

As there was nothing remarkable in the tenement, which had been
rebuilt more than once since the death of that great man, Peregrine
excused himself from complying with the proposal, on pretence of
being fatigued with the circuit they had already performed. Jolter
declined it for the same reason; and the question being put to
the doctor, he refused his company with an air of disdain. Pallet,
piqued at his contemptuous manner, asked, "if he would not go and
see the habitation of Pindoor, provided he was in the city where
that poet lived?" and when the physician observed, that there was
an infinite difference between the men, "That I'll allow," replied
the painter, "for the devil a poet ever lived in Greece or Troy,
that was worthy to clean the pencils of our beloved Rubens." The
physician could not, with any degree of temper and forbearance,
hear this outrageous blasphemy, for which, he said, Pallet's eyes
ought to be picked out by owls; and the dispute arose, as usual,
to such scurrilities of language, and indecency of behaviour, that
passengers began to take notice of their animosity, and Peregrine
was obliged to interpose for his own credit.


Peregrine artfully foments a Quarrel between Pallet and the Physician,
who fight a Duel on the Ramparts.

The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael,
and the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where
the young gentleman, taking the advantage of being alone with the
physician, recapitulated all the affronts he had sustained from
the painter's petulance, aggravating every circumstance of the
disgrace, and advising him, in the capacity of a friend, to take
care of his honour, which could not fail to suffer in the opinion
of the world, if he allowed himself to be insulted with impunity,
by one so much his inferior in every degree of consideration.

The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped
chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and
in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion
was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most
benevolent disposition. And, though he could find no precedent of
duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the
patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of
his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next
offence he should commit.

Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he
could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with
the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician
treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him
with such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his
own part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual
animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more
becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education;
and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination,
to break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not
fall upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters.

These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity
of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve
of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise
in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an
insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might
humble him into any concession, without running the least personal
risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet
of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush,
when his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the
bearer of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing.

The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of
courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship
and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that
his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted
into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time,
he recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger
on this occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The
magnanimous painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber,
penned a challenge in these terms:--

     "Sir,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil
     himself; much less--I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb,
     nor an unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippethets of
     the vulgar; but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you
     nor fear you; but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your
     audacious behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this
     evening, in the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword
     and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us,
     for your body shall find no favour with your incensed defier
     till death,
                                      "Layman Pallet."

This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal,
and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to
the charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it
in the afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would
attend him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was
evidently discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance,
and ran about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine,
to beg his further advice and assistance; but understanding that
the youth was engaged in private with his adversary, he began
to suspect some collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and
precipitation. He even entertained some thoughts of retracting his
invitation, and submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but
before he would stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved
to try another expedient, which might be the means of saving both
his character and person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and
very gravely desired he would be so good as to undertake the office
of his second in a duel which he was to fight that evening with
the physician.

The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing
fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of "Good
God!  gentlemen, what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another
while it is in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly
to the governor of the place, who shall interpose his authority";--I
say, instead of these and other friendly menaces of prevention,
Jolter heard the proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquility, and
excused himself from accepting the honour he intended for him, on
account of his character and situation, which would not permit him
to be concerned in any such rencontres. Indeed, this mortifying
reception was owing to a previous hint from Peregrine, who, dreading
some sort of interruption from his governor, had made him acquainted
with his design, and assured him, that the affair should not be
brought to any dangerous issue.

Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with
perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation,
resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any
submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered
by our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction,
told him in confidence, that the billet had thrown the doctor into
an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge
was a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity
of the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation;
that he had imparted the letter to him with fear and trembling, on
pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view
of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; "but,
perceiving the situation of his mind," added our hero, "I thought
it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and
therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the
field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before
you, even to prostration. In this security, you may go and prepare
your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will squire
you in the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence
may not be suspected by the physician." Pallet's spirits, that were
sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence
of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger, and his
pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty
armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle.

On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door,
and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice
of his antagonist pronounce, "Tell Mr. Pallet that I am going to
the place of appointment." The painter was not a little surprised
at this anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he
had received from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he
fortified himself with a large bumper of brandy, which, however,
did not overcome the anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set
out on the expedition with his second, betwixt whom and himself
the following dialogue passed, in their way to the ramparts.

"Mr. Pipes," said the painter, with disordered accent, "methinks
the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that message of his."--"Ey,
ey," answered Tom, "I do suppose he longs to be foul of you."--"What,"
replied the other, "d'ye think he thirsts after my blood?"--"To
be sure a does," said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco in
his check, with great deliberation. "If that be the case," cried
Pallet, beginning to shake, "he is no better than a cannibal, and
no Christian ought to fight him on equal footing." Tom observing
his emotion, eyed him with a frown of indignation, saying, "You an't
afraid, are you?"--"God forbid," replied the challenger, stammering
with fear; "what should I be afraid of? The worst he can do is to
take my life, and then he'll be answerable both to God and man for
the murder. Don't you think he will?"--"I think no such matter,"
answered the second; "if so be as how he puts a brace of bullets
through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder than
if I was to bring down a noddy from the main top-sail yard."

By this time Pallet's teeth chattered with such violence, that he
could scarce pronounce this reply: "Mr. Thomas, you seem to make
very light of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty. I shall
not be so easily brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel
without losing his life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard
of falling by the hand of my adversary?"--"You may or you may not,"
said the unconcerned Pipes, "just as it happens. What then? Death
is a debt that every man owes, according to the song; and if you
set foot to foot, I think one of you must go to pot."--"Foot to
foot!" exclaimed the terrified painter: "that's downright butchery;
and I'll be d-- before I fight any man on earth in such a barbarous
way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage beast?" This declaration he
made while they ascended the ramparts.

His attendant perceiving the physician and his second at the
distance of a hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their
appearance, and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man.
Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered
itself in a universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in
which he answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying, "I do behave
like a man; but you would have me act the part of a brute. Are
they coming this way?" When Tom told him that they had faced about,
and admonished him to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their
office, he could not hold out his pistol, and instead of going
forward, retreated with an insensibility of motion; till Pipes,
placing himself in the rear, set his own back to that of his
principal, and swore he should not budge an inch farther in that

While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the
terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those
of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His
declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start
any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the
young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather
congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's
billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general
reflections upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced
among civilised nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He
likewise pretended to ridicule the use of firearms, which confounded
all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant
of the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess.

Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the
same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs
of this world, ridiculous as they were, on which a man's honour and
reputation depend: so that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that
artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable;
and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour,
like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable that
they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted
the disposition of those iron times.

Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the
sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he
had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired
the armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for
their accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing
them cap-a-pie at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the
modern use of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms;
and suspecting that his fear would supply him with other excuses
for declining the combat, he comforted him with some distant
insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which
would, in all probability, evaporate before any mischief could

Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the
reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful
look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was
at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession
of the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was
not so dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness
of his countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his
forehead; nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he
regretted his want of the pila and parma, with which he would have
made a rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward,
and singing the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients.

In the meantime, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who,
far from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his
second, he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and,
collecting all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity
of profiting by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and
pistol together, he advanced in a sort of trot, raising a loud
howl, in which he repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of
the strophe from one of Pindar's Pythia, beginning with ek theon gar
makanoi pasai Broteais aretais, etc. This imitation of the Greeks
had all the desired effect upon the painter, who seeing the physician
running towards him like a fury, with a pistol in his right hand,
which was extended, and hearing the dreadful yell he uttered, and
the outlandish words he pronounced, was seized with a universal
palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the ground, had
not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand upon his defence.
The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding that he had not
flinched from the spot, though he had now performed one half of
his career, put in practice his last effort, by firing his pistol,
the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted
painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy
with great vociferation.

The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to
yield, and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon
which he threw away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the
admonitions and even threats of his second, who left him to his
fate, and went up to his master, stopping his nose with signs of
loathing and abhorrence.

The victor, having won the spolia opima, granted him his life,
on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon,
acknowledge himself inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and
qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by
submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced
by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not
at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he
would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged with great
humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals
for this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited
from his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until
he should have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his
Cleopatra, which would be finished in less than three months.

Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no man
could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions of
fear, and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but
there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous,
in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest
pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once,
though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, in
hopes of seeking a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested,
that there was no dissimulation in the case; for he was ignorant
of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he
faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of
the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became
a person in his condition; and, for the present, implored the
assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable
consequence of his fear.


The Doctor exults in his Victory--They set out for Rotterdam, where
they are entertained by two Dutch Gentlemen in a Yacht, which is
overturned in the Maese, to the manifest hazard of the Painter's
Life--They spend the Evening with their Entertainers, and next Day
visit a Cabinet of Curiosities.

Tom was accordingly ordered to administer to his occasions; and
the conqueror, elated with his success, which he in a great measure
attributed to his manner of attack, and the hymn which he howled,
told Peregrine, that he was now convinced of the truth of what
Pindar sung in these words, ossa de me pephileke Zeus atuzontai boan
Pieridon aionta; for he had no sooner begun to repeat the mellifluent
strains of that divine poet, than the wretch his antagonist was
confounded, and his nerves unstrung.

On their return to the inn, he expatiated on the prudence and
tranquility of his own behaviour, and ascribed the consternation
of Pallet to the remembrance of some crime that lay heavy upon his
conscience; for, in his opinion, a man of virtue and common sense
could not possibly be afraid of death, which is not only the peaceful
harbour that receives him shattered on the tempestuous sea of life,
but also the eternal seal of his fame and glory, which it is no
longer in his power to forfeit and forego. He lamented his fate,
in being doomed to live in such degenerate days, when war is become
a mercenary trade; and ardently wished, that the day would come,
when he should have such an opportunity of signalizing his courage
in the cause of liberty, as that of Marathon, where a handful of
Athenians, fighting for their freedom, defeated the whole strength
of the Persian empire. "Would to heaven!" said he, "my muse were
blessed with an occasion to emulate that glorious testimony on the
trophy in Cyprus, erected by Cimon, for two great victories gained
on the same day over the Persians by sea and land; in which it
is very remarkable, that the greatness of the occasion has raised
the manner of expression above the usual simplicity and modesty of
all other ancient inscriptions." He then repeated it with all the
pomp of declamation, and signified his hope, that the French would
one day invade us with such an army as that which Xerxes led into
Greece, that it might be in his power to devote himself, like
Leonidas, to the freedom of his country.

This memorable combat being thus determined, and everything that
was remarkable in Antwerp surveyed, they sent their baggage down
the Scheldt to Rotterdam, and set out for the same place in a
post-waggon, which that same evening brought them in safety to the
banks of the Maese. They put up at an English house of entertainment,
remarkable for the modesty and moderation of the landlord; and next
morning the doctor went in person to deliver letters of recommendation
to two Dutch gentlemen from one of his acquaintance at Paris. Neither
of them happened to be at home when he called; so that he left a
message at their lodgings, with his address; and in the afternoon,
they waited upon the company, and, after many hospitable professions,
one of the two invited them to spend the evening at his house.

Meanwhile they had provided a pleasure yacht, in which they proposed
to treat them with an excursion upon the Maese. This being almost
the only diversion that place affords, our young gentleman relished
the proposal; and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of Mr. Jolter,
who declined the voyage on account of the roughness of the weather,
they went on board without hesitation, and found a collation
prepared in the cabin. While they tacked to and fro in the river,
under the impulse of a mackerel breeze, the physician expressed
his satisfaction, and Pallet was ravished with the entertainment.
But the wind increasing, to the unspeakable joy of the Dutchmen, who
had now an opportunity of showing their dexterity in the management
of the vessel, the guests found it inconvenient to stand upon deck,
and impossible to sit below, on account of the clouds of tobacco
smoke which rolled from the pipes of their entertainers, in such
volumes as annoyed them even to the hazard of suffocation. This
fumigation, together with the extraordinary motion of the ship,
began to affect the head and stomach of the painter, who begged
earnestly to be set on shore. But the Dutch gentlemen, who had
no idea of his sufferings, insisted, with surprising obstinacy of
regard, upon his staying until he should see an instance of the
skill of the mariners; and, bringing him on deck, commanded the
men to carry the vessel's lee gunwale under water. This nicety of
navigation they instantly performed, to the admiration of Pickle,
the discomposure of the doctor, and terror of Pallet, who blessed
himself from the courtesy of a Dutchman, and prayed to Heaven for
his deliverance.

While the Hollanders enjoyed the reputation of this feat, and the
distress of the painter, at the same time, the yacht was overtaken
by a sudden squall, that overset her in a moment, and flung every
man overboard into the Maese, before they could have the least
warning of their fate, much less time to provide against the
accident. Peregrine, who was an expert swimmer, reached the shore
in safety; the physician, in the agonies of despair, laid fast
hold on the trunk-breeches of one of the men, who dragged him to
the other side; the entertainers landed at the bomb-keys, smoking
their pipes all the way with great deliberation; and the poor
painter must have gone to the bottom, had not he been encountered
by the cable of a ship that lay at anchor near the scene of their
disaster. Though his senses had forsaken him, his hands fastened by
instinct on this providential occurrence, which he held with such
a convulsive grasp, that, when a boat was sent out to bring him
on shore, it was with the utmost difficulty that his fingers were
disengaged. He was carried into a house, deprived of the use of
speech, and bereft of all sensation; and, being suspended by the
heels, a vast quantity of water ran out of his mouth. This evacuation
being made, he began to utter dreadful groans, which gradually
increased to a continued roar; and, after he had regained the use
of his senses, he underwent a delirium that lasted several hours.
As for the treaters, they never dreamed of expressing the least
concern to Pickle or the physician for what had happened, because
it was an accident so common as to pass without notice.

Leaving the care of their vessel to the seamen, the company retired
to their respective lodgings, in order to shift their clothes;
and in the evening our travellers were conducted to the house of
their new friend, who, with a view of making his invitation the
more agreeable, had assembled, to the number of twenty or thirty
Englishmen, of all ranks and degrees, from the merchant to the
periwig-maker's prentice.

In the midst of this congregation stood a chafing-dish with live
coals, for the convenience of lighting their pipes, and every
individual was accommodated with a spitting-box. There was not
a mouth in the apartment unfurnished with a tube, so that they
resembled a congregation of chimeras breathing fire and smoke;
and our gentlemen were fain to imitate their example in their own
defence. It is not to be supposed that the conversation was either
very sprightly or polite; that the whole entertainment was of
the Dutch cast--frowzy and phlegmatic; and our adventurer, as he
returned to his lodging, tortured with the headache, and disgusted
with every circumstance of his treatment, cursed the hour in which
the doctor had saddled them with such troublesome companions.

Next morning by eight o'clock, these polite Hollanders returned
the visit, and, after breakfast, attended their English friends
to the house of a person that possessed a very curious cabinet of
curiosities, to which they had secured our company's admission.
The owner of this collection was a cheesemonger, who received them
in a woollen nightcap, with straps buttoned under his chin. As he
understood no language but his own, he told them, by the canal of
one of their conductors, that he did not make a practice of showing
his curiosities; but understanding that they were Englishmen, and
recommended to his friends, he was content to submit them to their
perusal. So saying, he led them up a dark stair, into a small room,
decorated with a few paltry figures in plaster of Paris, two or
three miserable landscapes, the skins of an otter, seal, and some
fishes stuffed; and in one corner stood a glass case, furnished
with newts, frogs, lizards, and serpents, preserved in spirits;
a human foetus, a calf with two heads, and about two dozen of
butterflies pinned upon paper.

The virtuoso having exhibited these particulars, eyed the strangers
with a look soliciting admiration and applause; and as he could not
perceive any symptom of either in their gestures or countenances,
withdrew a curtain, and displayed a wainscot chest of drawers, in
which, he gave them to understand, was something that would agreeably
amuse the imagination. Our travellers, regaled with this notice,
imagined that they would be entertained with the sight of some
curious medals, or other productions of antiquity; but how were
they disappointed, when they saw nothing but a variety of shells,
disposed in whimsical figures, in each drawer! After he had detained
them full two hours with a tedious commentary upon the shape, size,
and colour of each department, he, with a supercilious simper,
desired that the English gentlemen would frankly and candidly
declare, whether his cabinet, or that of Mynheer Sloane, at London,
was the most valuable. When this request was signified in English
to the company, the painter instantly exclaimed, "By the Lard! they
are not to be named of a day. And as for that matter, I would not
give one corner of Saltero's coffee-house at Chelsea for all the
trash he hath shown." Peregrine, unwilling to mortify any person
who had done his endeavour to please him, observed, that what he
had seen was very curious and entertaining; but that no private
collection in Europe was equal to that of Sir Hans Sloane, which,
exclusive of presents, had cost an hundred thousand pounds. The
two conductors were confounded at this asseveration, which, being
communicated to the cheesemonger, he shook his head with a significant
grin; and, though he did not choose to express his incredulity in
words, gave our hero to understand, that he did not much depend
upon his veracity. From the house of this Dutch naturalist, they
were draggled all round the city by the painful civility of their
attendants, who did not quit them till the evening was well advanced,
and then not till after they had promised to be with them before
ten o'clock next day, in order to conduct them to a country house,
situated in a pleasant village on the other side of the river.

Pickle was already so much fatigued with their hospitality, that,
for the first time of his life, he suffered a dejection of spirits;
and resolved, at any rate, to avoid the threatened persecution of
to-morrow. With this view, he ordered his servants to pack up some
clothes and linen in a portmanteau; and in the morning embarked,
with his governor, in the treckskuyt, for the Hague, whither
he pretended to be called by some urgent occasion, leaving his
fellow-travellers to make his apology to their friends, and assuring
them, that he would not proceed for Amsterdam without their society.
He arrived at the Hague in the forenoon, and dined at an ordinary
frequented by officers and people of fashion; where being informed
that the princess would see company in the evening, he dressed
himself in a rich suit of the Parisian cut, and went to court,
without any introduction. A person of his appearance could not fail
to attract the notice of such a small circle. The prince himself,
understanding he was an Englishman and a stranger, went up to him
without ceremony, and, having welcomed him to the place, conversed
with him for some minutes on the common topics of discourse.


They proceed to the Hague; from whence they depart for Amsterdam,
where they see a Dutch Tragedy--Visit the Music-house, in which
Peregrine quarrels with the Captain of a Man-of-War--They pass
through Haerlem, in their way to Leyden--Return to Rotterdam, where
the Company separates, and our Hero, with his Attendants, arrive
in safety at Harwich.

Being joined by their fellow-travellers in the morning, they made
a tour to all the remarkable places in this celebrated village:
saw the foundry, the Stadthouse, the Spinhuys, Vauxhall, and Count
Bentinck's gardens; and in the evening went to the French comedy,
which was directed by a noted harlequin, who had found means to
flatter the Dutch taste so effectually, that they extolled him as
the greatest actor that ever appeared in the province of Holland.
This famous company did not represent regular theatrical pieces,
but only a sort of impromptus, in which this noted player always
performed the greatest part of the entertainment. Among other sallies
of wit that escaped him, there was one circumstance so remarkably
adapted to the disposition and genius of his audience, that it were
a pity to pass it over in silence. A windmill being exhibited on
the scene, harlequin, after having surveyed it with curiosity and
admiration, asks one of the millers the use of that machine; and
being told that it was a windmill, observes, with some concern,
that as there was not the least breath of wind, he could not have
the pleasure of seeing it turn round. Urged by this consideration,
he puts himself into the attitude of a person wrapt in profound
meditation; and, having continued a few seconds in this posture,
runs to the miller with great eagerness and joy, and, telling him
that he had found an expedient to make his mill work; very fairly
unbuttons his breeches. Then presenting his posteriors to the sails
of the machine, certain explosions are immediately heard, and the
arms of the mill begin to turn round, to the infinite satisfaction
of the spectators, who approve the joke with loud peals of applause.

Our travellers stayed a few days at the Hague, during which
the young gentleman waited on the British ambassador, to whom he
was recommended by his excellency at Paris, and lost about thirty
guineas at billiards to a French adventurer, who decoyed him into
the snare by keeping up his game. Then they departed in a post-waggon
for Amsterdam, being provided with letters of introduction to an
English merchant residing in that city, under whose auspices they
visited everything worth seeing, and. among other excursions, went
to see a Dutch tragedy acted, an entertainment which, of all others,
had the strangest effect upon the organs of our hero; the dress
of their chief personages was so antic, their manner so awkwardly
absurd, and their language so ridiculously unfit for conveying
the sentiment of love and honour, that Peregrine's nerves were
diuretically affected with the complicated absurdity, and he was
compelled to withdraw twenty times before the catastrophe of the

The subject of this performance was the famous story of Scipio's
continence and virtue, in restoring the fair captive to her lover.
The young Roman hero was represented by a broadfaced Batavian, in
a burgomaster's gown and a fur cap, sitting smoking his pipe at a
table furnished with a can of beer, a drinking glass, and a plate
of tobacco. The lady was such a person as Scipio might well be
supposed to give away, without any great effort of generosity; and
indeed the Celtiberian prince seemed to be of that opinion; for,
upon receiving her from the hand of the victor, he discovered none
of those transports of gratitude and joy which Livy describes in
recounting this event. The Dutch Scipio, however, was complaisant
enough in his way; for he desired her to sit at his right hand,
by the appellation of Ya frow, and with his own fingers filling
a clean pipe, presented it to Mynheer Allucio, the lover. The
rest of the economy of the piece was in the same taste; which was
so agreeable to the audience, that they seemed to have shaken off
their natural phlegm, in order to applaud the performance.

From the play our company adjourned to the house of their friend,
where they spent the evening; and the conversation turning upon
poetry, a Dutchman who was present, and understood the English
language, having listened very attentively to the discourse, lifted
up with both hands the greatest part of a Cheshire cheese that lay
upon the table, saying, "I do know vat is boetre. Mine brotre be
a great boet, and ave vrought a book as dick as all dat." Pickle,
diverted with this method of estimating an author according to the
quantity of his works, inquired about the subjects of this bard's
writings; but of these his brother could give no account, or other
information, but that there was little market for the commodity,
which hung heavy upon his hands, and induced him to wish he had
applied himself to another trade.

The only remarkable scene in Amsterdam, which our company bad not
seen, was the Spuyl or music-houses, which, by the connivance of
the magistrates, are maintained for the recreation of those who
might attempt the chastity of creditable women, if they were not
provided with such conveniences. To one of these night-houses did
our travellers repair, under the conduct of the English merchant,
and were introduced into such another place as the ever-memorable
coffee-house of Moll King; with this difference, that the company
here were not so riotous as the bucks of Covent Garden, but formed
themselves into a circle, within which some of the number danced
to the music of a scurvy organ and a few other instruments, that
uttered tunes very suitable to the disposition of the hearers, while
the whole apartment was shrouded with clouds of smoke impervious
to the view. When our gentlemen entered, the floor was occupied by
two females and their gallants, who, in the performance of their
exercise, lifted their legs like so many oxen at plough and the
pipe of one of those hoppers happening to be exhausted, in the midst
of his saraband, he very deliberately drew forth his tobacco-box,
filling and lighting it again, without any interruption to the

Peregrine being unchecked by the presence of his governor, who was
too tender of his own reputation to attend them in this expedition,
made up to a sprightly French girl who sat in seeming expectation
of a customer, and prevailing upon her to be his partner, led her
into the circle, and in his turn took the opportunity of dancing
a minuet, to the admiration of all present. He intended to have
exhibited another specimen of his ability in this art, when a captain
of a Dutch man-of-war chancing to come in, and seeing a stranger
engaged with the lady whom, it seems, he had bespoke for his
bedfellow, he advanced without any ceremony, and seizing her by
the arm, pulled her to the other side of the room. Our adventurer,
who was not a man to put up with such a brutal affront, followed
the ravisher with indignation in his eyes; and pushing him on one
side, retook the subject of their contest, and led her back to the
place from whence she had been dragged. The Dutchman, enraged at
the youth's presumption, obeyed the first dictates of his choler,
and lent his rival a hearty box on the ear; which was immediately
repaid with interest, before our hero could recollect himself
sufficiently to lay his hand upon his sword, and beckon the aggressor
to the door.

Notwithstanding the confusion and disorder which this affair
produced in the room, and the endeavours of Pickle's company, who
interposed, in order to prevent bloodshed, the antagonists reached
the street; and Peregrine drawing, was surprised to see the
captain advance against him with a long knife, which he preferred
to the sword that hung by his side. The youth, confounded at this
preposterous behaviour, desired him, in the French tongue, to lay
aside that vulgar implement, and approach like a gentleman.  But
the Hollander, who neither understood the proposal, nor would have
complied with this demand, had he been made acquainted with his
meaning, rushed forward like a desperado, before his adversary
could put himself on his guard; and if the young gentleman had not
been endued with surprising agility, his nose would have fallen
a sacrifice to the fury of the assailant. Finding himself in such
imminent jeopardy, he leaped to one side, and the Dutchman passing
him, in the force of his career, he with one nimble kick made such
application to his enemy's heels, that he flew like lightning into
the canal, where he had almost perished by pitching upon one of
the posts with which it is faced.

Peregrine having performed this exploit, did not stay for the
captain's coming on shore, but retreated with all despatch, by the
advice of his conductor; and next day embarked, with his companions,
in the skuyt, for Haerlem, where they dined; and in the evening
arrived at the ancient city of Leyden, where they met with some
English students, who treated them with great hospitality. Not but
that the harmony of the conversation was that same night interrupted
by a dispute that arose between one of those young gentlemen and
the physician, about the cold and hot methods of prescription in
the gout and rheumatism; and proceeded to such a degree of mutual
reviling, that Pickle, ashamed and incensed at his fellow-traveller's
want of urbanity, espoused the other's cause, and openly rebuked
him for his unmannerly petulance, which, he said, rendered him
unfit for the purposes, and unworthy of the benefit, of society.
This unexpected declaration overwhelmed the doctor with amazement
and confusion; he was instantaneously deprived of his speech, and,
during the remaining part of the party, sat in silent mortification.
In all probability, he deliberated with himself, whether or not he
should expostulate with the young gentleman on the freedom he had
taken with his character in a company of strangers; but as he knew
he had not a Pallet to deal with, he very prudently suppressed that
suggestion, and, in secret, chewed the cud of resentment.

After they had visited the physic-garden, the university, the
anatomical hall, and every other thing that was recommended to their
view, they returned to Rotterdam, and held a consultation upon the
method of transporting themselves to England. The doctor, whose
grudge against Peregrine was rather inflamed than allayed by our
hero's indifference and neglect, had tampered with the simplicity
of the painter, who was proud of his advances towards a perfect
reconciliation, and now took the opportunity of parting with our
adventurer, by declaring that he and his friend Mr. Pallet were
resolved to take their passage in a trading sloop, after he had
heard Peregrine object against that tedious, disagreeable, and
uncertain method of conveyance. Pickle immediately saw his intention,
and, without using the least argument to dissuade them from their
design, or expressing the smallest degree of concern at their
separation, very coolly wished them a prosperous voyage, and ordered
his baggage to be sent to Helvoetsluys. There he himself, and his
retinue, went on board of the packet next day, and, by the favour
of a fair wind, in eighteen hours arrived at Harwich.


Peregrine delivers his Letters of Recommendation at London, and
returns to the Garrison, to the unspeakable joy of the Commodore
and his whole Family.

Now that our hero found himself on English ground, his heart dilated
with the proud recollection of his own improvement since he left
his native soil. He began to recognise the interesting ideas of his
tender years; he enjoyed, by anticipation, the pleasure of seeing
his friends in the garrison, after an absence of eighteen months;
and the image of his charming Emily, which other less worthy
considerations had depressed, resumed the full possession of
his breast. He remembered, with shame, that he had neglected the
correspondence with her brother, which he himself had solicited,
and in consequence of which he had received a letter from that young
gentleman, while he lived at Paris. In spite of these conscientious
reflections. he was too self-sufficient to think he should find
any difficulty in obtaining forgiveness for such sins of omission;
and began to imagine that his passion would be prejudicial to the
dignity of his situation, if it should not be gratified upon terms
which formerly his imagination durst not conceive.

Sorry I am, that the task I have undertaken, lays me under the
necessity of divulging this degeneracy in the sentiment of our
imperious youth, who was now in the heyday of his blood, flushed with
the consciousness of his own qualifications, vain of his fortune,
and elated on the wings of imaginary expectation. Though he was
deeply enamoured of Miss Gauntlet, he was far from proposing her
heart as the ultimate aim of his gallantry, which, he did not doubt,
would triumph over the most illustrious females of the land, and
at once regale his appetite and ambition.

Meanwhile, being willing to make his appearance at the garrison
equally surprising and agreeable, he cautioned Mr. Jolter against
writing to the commodore, who had not heard of them since their
departure from Paris, and hired a post-chaise and horses, for
London. The governor, going out to give orders about the carriage,
inadvertently left a paper book open upon the table; and his pupil,
casting his eyes upon the page, chanced to read these words: "Sept.
15. Arrived in safety, by the blessing of God, in this unhappy kingdom
of England. And thus concludes the journal of my last peregrination."
Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by this extraordinary
conclusion he turned to the beginning, and perused several sheets
of a diary such as is commonly kept by that class of people known
by the denomination of travelling governors, for the satisfaction
of themselves and the parents or guardians of their pupils, and
for the edification and entertainment of their friends.

That the reader may have a clear idea of Mr. Jolter's performance,
we shall transcribe the transactions of one day, as he had recorded
them; and that abstract will be a sufficient specimen of the whole
plan and execution of the work.

"May 3. At eight o'clock, set out from Boulogne in a post-chaise:
the morning hazy and cold. Fortified my stomach with a cordial.
Recommended ditto to Mr. P. as an antidote against the fog. Mem.
He refused it. The hither horse greased in the off-pastern of the
hind leg. Arrived at Samers. Mem. This last was a post and a half,
i.e.  three leagues, or nine English miles. The day clears up. A
fine champaign country, well stored with corn. The postillion says
his prayers in passing by a wooden crucifix upon the road. Mem.
The horses staled in a small brook that runs in a bottom, betwixt
two hills. Arrived at Cormont. A common post. A dispute with my
pupil, who is obstinate, and swayed by an unlucky prejudice. Proceed
to Montreuil, where we dine on choice pigeons. A very moderate
charge.  No chamber-pot in the room, owing to the negligence of
the maid.  This is an ordinary post. Set out again for Nampont.
Troubled with flatulences and indigestion. Mr. P. is sullen, and
seems to mistake an eructation for the breaking of wind backwards.
From Nampont depart for Bernay, at which place we arrive in the
evening, and propose to stay all night. N.B. The two last a redouble
posts, and our cattle very willing, though not strong. Sup on a
delicate ragout and excellent partridges, in company with Mr. H.
and his spouse.  Mem. The said H. trod upon my corn by mistake.
Discharge the bill, which is not very reasonable. Dispute with Mr.
P. about giving money to the servant. He insists upon my giving
a twenty-four sols piece, which is too much by two-thirds, in all
conscience. N.B. She was a pert baggage, and did not deserve a

Our hero was so much disobliged with certain circumstances of this
amusing and instructing journal, that, by way of punishing the
author, he interlined these words betwixt two paragraphs, in a
manner that exactly resembled the tutor's handwriting:" Mem. Had the
pleasure of drinking myself into a sweet intoxication, by toasting
our lawful king, and his royal family, among some worthy English
fathers of the Society of Jesus."

Having taken this revenge, he set out for London, where he waited
upon those noblemen to whom he had letters of recommendation from
Paris; and was not only graciously received, but even loaded with
caresses and proffers of service, because they understood he was
a young gentleman of fortune, who, far from standing in need of
their countenance or assistance, would make a useful and creditable
addition to the number of their adherents. He had the honour of
dining at their tables, in consequence of pressing invitations,
and of spending several evenings with the ladies, to whom he was
particularly agreeable, on account of his person, address, and
bleeding freely at play.

Being thus initiated in the beau monde, he thought it was high
time to pay his respects to his generous benefactor, the commodore;
and, accordingly, departed one morning, with his train, for the
garrison, at which he arrived in safety the same night. When he
entered the gate, which was opened by a new servant that did not
know him, he found his old friend, Hatchway, stalking in the yard,
with a nightcap on his head, and a pipe in his mouth; and, advancing
to him, took him by the hand before he had any intimation of his
approach.  The lieutenant, thus saluted by a stranger, stared at
him in silent astonishment, till he recollected his features, which
were no sooner known, than, dashing his pipe upon the pavement,
he exclaimed, "Smite my cross-trees! th'art welcome to port"; and
hugged him in his arms with great affection. He then, by a cordial
squeeze, expressed his satisfaction at seeing his old shipmate,
Tom, who, applying his whistle to his mouth, the whole castle echoed
with his performance.

The servants, hearing the well-known sound, poured out in a tumult
of joy; and, understanding that their young master was returned,
raised such a peal of acclamation, as astonished the commodore and
his lady, and inspired Julia with such an interesting presage, that
her heart began to throb with violence. Running out in the hurry
and perturbation of her hope, she was so much overwhelmed at sight
of her brother, that she actually fainted in his arms. But from
this trance she soon awaked; and Peregrine, having testified his
pleasure and affection, went upstairs, and presented himself before
his godfather and aunt. Mrs. Trunnion rose and received him with
a gracious embrace, blessing God for his happy return from a land
of impiety and vice, in which she hoped his morals had not been
corrupted, nor his principles of religion altered or impaired. The
old gentleman being confined to his chair, was struck dumb with
pleasure at his appearance; and, having made divers ineffectual
efforts to get up, at length discharged a volley of curses against
his own limbs, and held out his hand to his godson, who kissed it
with great respect.

After he had finished his apostrophe to the gout, which was the
daily and hourly subject of his execrations, "Well, my lad," said
he, "I care not how soon I go to the bottom, now I behold thee safe
in harbour again; and yet I tell a d--d lie; I would I could keep
afloat until I should see a lusty boy of thy begetting. Odds my
timbers! I love thee so well, that I believe thou art the spawn
of my own body; though I can give no account of thy being put upon
the stocks." Then, turning his eyes upon Pipes, who by this time
had penetrated into his apartment, and addressed him with the usual
salutation of "What cheer?" "Ahey," cried he, "are you there, you
herring-faced son of a sea-calf? What a slippery trick you played
your old commander! But come, you dog, there's my fist; I forgive
you, for the love you bear to my godson. Go, man your tackle, and
hoist a cask of strong beer into the yard, knock out the bung, and
put a pump in it, for the use of all my servants and neighbours;
and, d'ye hear, let the patereroes be fired, and the garrison
illuminated, as rejoicings for the safe arrival of your master. By
the Lord! if I had the use of these d--d shambling shanks, I would
dance a hornpipe with the best of you."

The next object of his attention was Mr. Jolter, who was honoured
with particular marks of distinction, and the repeated promise of
enjoying the living in his gift, as an acknowledgment of the care
and discretion with which he had superintended the education and
morals of our hero. The governor was so affected by the generosity of
his patron, that the tears ran down his cheeks, while he expressed
his gratitude, and the infinite satisfaction he felt in contemplating
the accomplishments of his pupil.

Meanwhile, Pipes did not neglect the orders he had received. The
beer was produced, the gates were thrown open for the admission
of all comers, the whole house was lighted up, and the patereroes
were discharged in repeated volleys. Such phenomena could not fail
to attract the notice of the neighbourhood. The club at Tunley's
were astonished at the report of the guns, which produced various
conjectures among the members of that sagacious society. The landlord
observed, that, in all likelihood, the commodore was visited by
hobgoblins, and ordered the guns to be fired in token of distress,
as he had acted twenty years before, when he was annoyed by the
same grievance. The exciseman, with a waggish sneer, expressed
his apprehension of Trunnion's death, in consequence of which the
patereroes might be discharged with an equivocal intent, either as
signals of his lady's sorrow or rejoicing. The attorney signified
a suspicion of Hatchway's being married to Miss Pickle, and that
the firing and illuminations were in honour of the nuptials; upon
which Gamaliel discovered some faint signs of emotion, and, taking
the pipe from his mouth, gave it as his opinion, that his sister
was brought to bed.

While they were thus bewildered in the maze of their own imaginations,
a company of countrymen, who sat drinking in the kitchen, and whose
legs were more ready than their invention, sallied out to know the
meaning of these exhibitions. Understanding that there was a butt
of strong beer abroach in the yard, to which they were invited
by the servants, they saved themselves the trouble and expense
of returning to spend the evening at the public-house, and listed
themselves under the banner of Tom Pipes, who presided as director
of this festival.

The news of Peregrine's return being communicated to the parish,
the parson, and three or four neighbouring gentlemen, who were
well-wishers to our hero, immediately repaired to the garrison,
in order to pay their compliments on this happy event, and were
detained to supper. An elegant entertainment was prepared by the
direction of Miss Julia, who was an excellent housewife; and the
commodore was so invigorated with joy, that he seemed to have renewed
his age.  Among those who honoured the occasion with their presence,
was Mr.  Clover, the young gentleman that made his addresses to
Peregrine's sister. His heart was so big with his passion, that,
while the rest of the company were engrossed by their cups, he seized
an opportunity of our hero's being detached from the conversation,
and, in the impatience of his love, conjured him to consent to
his happiness; protesting, that he would comply with any terms of
settlement that a man of his fortune could embrace, in favour of
a young lady who was absolute mistress of his affection.

Our youth thanked him very politely for his favourable sentiments
and honourable intention towards his sister, and told him, that
at present he saw no reason to obstruct his desire; that he would
consult Julia's own inclinations, and confer with him about the
means of gratifying his wish; but, in the meantime, begged to be
excused from discussing any point of such importance to them both.
Reminding him of the jovial purpose on which they were happily
met, he promoted such a quick circulation of the bottle, that their
mirth grew noisy and obstreperous; they broke forth into repeated
peals of laughter, without any previous incitement except that of
claret.  These explosions were succeeded by Bacchanalian songs,
in which the old gentleman himself attempted to bear a share;
the sedate governor snapped time with his fingers, and the parish
priest assisted in the chorus with a most expressive nakedness of
countenance. Before midnight they were almost all pinned to their
chairs, as if they had been fixed by the power of enchantment;
and, what rendered the confinement still more unfortunate, every
servant in the house was in the same situation; so that they were
fain to take their repose as they sat, and nodded at each other
like a congregation of Anabaptists.

Next day Peregrine communed with his sister on the subject of her
match with Mr. Clover, who, she told him, had offered to settle a
jointure of four hundred pounds, and take her to wife without any
expectation of a dowry. She moreover gave him to understand, that,
in his absence, she had received several messages from her mother,
commanding her to return to her father's house; but that she
had refused to obey these orders, by the advice and injunction of
her aunt and the commodore, which were indeed seconded by her own
inclination; because she had all the reason in the world to believe,
that her mother only wanted an opportunity of treating her with
severity and rancour. The resentment of that lady had been carried
to such indecent lengths, that, seeing her daughter at church one
day, she rose up, before the parson entered, and reviled her with
great bitterness, in the face of the whole congregation.


Sees his Sister happily married--Visits Emilia, who receives him
according to his Deserts.

Her brother being of opinion, that Mr. Clover's proposal was not to
be neglected, especially as Julia's heart was engaged in his favour,
communicated the affair to his uncle, who, with the approbation
of Mrs. Trunnion, declared himself well satisfied with the young
man's addresses, and desired that they might be buckled with all
expedition, without the knowledge or concurrence of her parents,
to whom (on account of their unnatural barbarity) she was not bound
to pay the least regard. Though our adventurer entertained the same
sentiments of the matter, and the lover, dreading some obstruction,
earnestly begged the immediate condescension of his mistress, she
could not be prevailed upon to take such a material step, without
having first solicited the permission of her father; resolved,
nevertheless, to comply with the dictates of her own heart, should
his objections be frivolous or unjust.

Urged by this determination, her admirer waited upon Mr. Gamaliel
at the public-house, and, with the appearance of great deference and
respect, made him acquainted with his affection for his daughter,
communicated the particulars of his fortune, with the terms of
settlement he was ready to make; and in conclusion told him, that
he would marry her without a portion. This last offer seemed to
have some weight with the father, who received it with civility,
and promised in a day or two to favour him with a final answer to
his demand. He, accordingly, that same evening consulted his wife,
who, being exasperated at the prospect of her daughter's independency,
argued with the most virulent expostulation against the match, as
an impudent scheme of her own planning, with a view of insulting
her parents, towards whom she had already been guilty of the most
vicious disobedience. In short, she used such remonstrances, as
not only averted this weak husband's inclination from the proposal
which he had relished before, but even instigated him to apply
for a warrant to apprehend his daughter, on the supposition that
she was about to bestow herself in marriage without his privity or

The justice of peace to whom this application was made, though he
could not refuse the order, yet, being no stranger to the malevolence
of the mother, which, together with Gamaliel's simplicity, was
notorious in the county, he sent an intimation of what had happened
to the garrison; upon which a couple of sentinels were placed on
the gate, and at the pressing solicitation of the lover, as well
as the desire of the commodore, her brother, and aunt, Julia was
wedded without further delay, the ceremony being performed by Mr.
Jolter, because the parish priest prudently declined any occasion
of giving offence, and the curate was too much in the interest of
their enemies to be employed in that office.

This domestic concern being settled to the satisfaction of our
hero, he escorted her next day to the house of her husband, who
immediately wrote a letter to her father, declaring his reasons for
having thus superseded his authority; and Mrs. Pickle's mortification
was unspeakable.

That the new-married couple might be guarded against all insult,
our young gentleman and his friend Hatchway, with their adherents,
lodged in Mr. Clover's house for some weeks; during which they visited
their acquaintance in the neighbourhood, according to custom. When
the tranquility of their family was perfectly established, and
the contract of the marriage executed in the presence of the old
commodore and his lady, who gave her niece five hundred pounds to
purchase jewels and clothes, Mr. Peregrine could no longer restrain
his impatience to see his dear Emily; and told his uncle, that next
day he proposed to ride across the country, in order to visit his
friend Gauntlet, whom he had not heard of for a long time.

The old gentleman, looking steadfastly in his face, "Ah! D--n your
cunning!" said he, "I find the anchor holds fast! I did suppose as
how you would have slipt your cable, and changed your berth; but,
I see, when a young fellow is once brought up by a pretty wench,
he may man his capstans and viol block, if he wool; but he'll as
soon heave up the Pike of Teneriffe, as bring his anchor aweigh!
Odds heartlikins! had I known the young woman was Ned Gauntlet's
daughter, I shouldn't have thrown out signal for leaving off chase."

Our adventurer was not a little surprised to hear the commodore
talk in this style; and immediately conjectured that his friend
Godfrey had informed him of the whole affair. Instead of listening
to this approbation of his flame, with those transports of joy which
he would have felt, had he retained his former sentiments, he was
chagrined at Trunnion's declaration, and offended at the presumption
of the young soldier, in presuming to disclose the secret with
which he had entrusted him. Reddening with these reflections, he
assured the commodore that he never had serious thoughts of matrimony;
so that if any person had told him he was under any engagement of
that kind, he had abused his ear; for he protested that he would
never contract such attachments without his knowledge and express

Trunnion commended him for his prudent resolution, and observed,
that, though no person mentioned to him what promises had passed
betwixt him and his sweetheart, it was very plain that he had made
love to her, and therefore it was to be supposed that his intentions
were honourable; for he could not believe he was such a rogue in his
heart, as to endeavour to debauch the daughter of a brave officer,
who had served his country with credit and reputation.  Notwithstanding
this remonstrance, which Pickle imputed to the commodore's ignorance
of the world, he set out for the habitation of Mrs. Gauntlet, with
the unjustifiable sentiments of a man of pleasure, who sacrifices
every consideration to the desire of his ruling appetite; and, as
Winchester lay in his way, resolved to visit some of his friends
who lived in that place. It was in the house of one of these that
he was informed of Emilia's being then in town with her mother; upon
which he excused himself from staying to drink tea, and immediately
repaired to their lodgings, according to the directions he had

When he arrived at the door, instead of undergoing that perturbation
of spirits, which a lover in his interesting situation might be
supposed to feel, he suffered no emotion but that of vanity and
pride, favoured with an opportunity of self-gratification, and entered
his Emilia's apartment with the air of a conceited petit-maitre,
rather than that of the respectful admirer, when he visits the
object of his passion, after an absence of seventeen months.

The young lady, having been very much disobliged at his mortifying
neglect of her brother's letter, had summoned all her own pride
and resolution to her aid; and, by means of a happy disposition,
so far overcame her chagrin at his indifference, that she was able
to behave in his presence with apparent tranquility and ease. She
was even pleased to find he had, by accident, chosen a time for
his visit when she was surrounded by two or three young gentlemen,
who professed themselves her admirers. Our gallant was no sooner
announced, than she collected all her coquetry, put on the gayest
air she could assume, and contrived to giggle just as he appeared
at the room door. The compliments of salutation being performed,
she welcomed him to England in a careless manner, asked the news
of Paris, and, before he could make any reply, desired one of the
other gentlemen to proceed with the sequel of that comical adventure,
in the relation of which he had been interrupted.

Peregrine smiled within himself at this behaviour, which, without
all doubt, he believed she had affected to punish him for his unkind
silence while he was abroad, being fully persuaded that her heart
was absolutely at his devotion. On this supposition, he practised
his Parisian improvements on the art of conversation, and uttered a
thousand prettinesses in the way of compliment, with such incredible
rotation of tongue, that his rivals were struck dumb with astonishment,
and Emilia fretted out of all temper, at seeing herself deprived
of the prerogative of the sex. He persisted, however, in this
surprising loquacity, until the rest of the company thought proper
to withdraw, and then contracted his discourse into the focus of
love, which now put on a very different appearance from that which it
had formerly worn. Instead of awful veneration, which her presence
used to inspire, that chastity of sentiment, and delicacy of
expression, he now gazed upon her with the eyes of a libertine,
he glowed with the impatience of desire, talked in a strain that
barely kept within the bounds of decency, and attempted to snatch
such favours, as she, in the tenderness of mutual acknowledgments,
had once vouchsafed to bestow.

Grieved and offended as she was, at this palpable alteration in
his carriage, she disdained to remind him of his former deportment,
and, with dissembled good-humour, rallied him on the progress
he had made in gallantry and address. But, far from submitting to
the liberties he would have taken, she kept her person sacred from
his touch, and would not even suffer him to ravish a kiss of her
fair hand; so that he reaped no other advantage from the exercise
of his talents, during this interview, which lasted a whole hour,
than that of knowing he had overrated his own importance, and that
Emily's heart was not a garrison likely to surrender at discretion.

At length his addresses were interrupted by the arrival of the
mother, who had gone abroad to visit by herself; and the conversation
becoming more general, he understood that Godfrey was at London,
soliciting for a lieutenancy that had fallen vacant in the regiment
to which he belonged; and that Miss Sophy was at home with her

Though our adventurer had not met with all the success he expected
by his first visit, he did not despair of reducing the fortress,
believing that in time there would be a mutiny in his favour, and
accordingly carried on the siege for several days, without profiting
by his perseverance; till, at length, having attended the ladies
to their own house in the country, he began to look upon this
adventure as time misspent, and resolved to discontinue his attack,
in hopes of meeting with a more favourable occasion; being, in
the meantime, ambitious of displaying in a higher sphere, those
qualifications which his vanity told him were at present misapplied.


He attends his Uncle with great Affection during a Fit of
Illness--Sets out again for London--Meets with his Friend Godfrey,
who is prevailed upon to accompany him to Bath; on the Road to
which Place they chance to Dine with a Person who entertains them
with a curious Account of a certain Company of Adventurers.

Thus determined, he took leave of Emilia and her mother, on pretence
of going to London upon some urgent business, and returned to the
garrison, leaving the good old lady very much concerned, and the
daughter incensed at his behaviour, which was the more unexpected,
because Godfrey had told them that the commodore approved of his
nephew's passion.

Our adventurer found his uncle so ill of the gout, which, for the
first time, had taken possession of his stomach, that his life was
in imminent danger, and the whole family in disorder. He therefore
took the reins of government in his own hands, sent for all the
physicians in the neighbourhood, and attended him in person with
the most affectionate care, during the whole fit, which lasted a
fortnight, and then retired before the strength of his constitution.

When the old gentleman recovered his health, he was so penetrated
with Peregrine's behaviour, that he actually would have made
over to him his whole fortune, and depended upon him for his own
subsistence, had not our youth opposed the execution of the deed
with all his influence and might, and even persuaded him to make
a will, in which his friend Hatchway, and all his other adherents,
were liberally remembered, and his aunt provided for on her own
terms. This material point being settled, he, with his uncle's
permission, departed for London, after having seen the family
affairs established under the direction and administration of Mr.
Jolter and the lieutenant; for, by this time, Mrs. Trunnion was
wholly occupied with her spiritual concern.

On his first arrival at London, he sent a card to the lodgings of
Gauntlet, in consequence of a direction from his mother; and that
young gentleman waited on him next morning, though not with that
alacrity of countenance and warmth of friendship which might have
been expected from the intimacy of their former connection. Nor
was Peregrine himself actuated by the same unreserved affection
for the soldier which he had formerly entertained. Godfrey, over
and above the offence he had taken at Pickle's omission in point
of corresponding with him, had been informed, by a letter from his
mother, of the youth's cavalier behaviour to Emilia, during his
last residence at Winchester; and our young gentleman, as we have
already observed, was disgusted at the supposed discovery which the
soldier had made in his absence to the commodore. They, perceived
their mutual umbrage at meeting, and received each other with that
civility of reserve which commonly happens between two persons
whose friendship is in the wane.

Gauntlet at once divined the cause of the other's displeasure, and,
in order to vindicate his own character, after the first compliments
were passed, took the opportunity, on inquiring after the health
of the commodore, to tell Peregrine, that, while he tarried at the
garrison, on his return from Dover, the subject of the conversation, one
night, happening to turn on our hero's passion, the old gentleman
had expressed his concern about that affair; and, among other
observations, said, he supposed the object of his love was some
paltry hussy, whom he had picked up when he was a boy at school.
Upon which, Mr. Hatchway assured him, that she was a young woman of
as good a family as any in the county; and, after having prepossessed
him in her favour, ventured, out of the zeal of his friendship, to
tell who she was. Wherefore, the discovery was not to be imputed
to any other cause; and he hoped Mr. Pickle would acquit him of
ail share in the transaction.

Peregrine was very well pleased to be thus undeceived; his countenance
immediately cleared up, the formality of his behaviour relaxed into
his usual familiarity; he asked pardon for his unmannerly neglect
of Godfrey's letter, which he protested, was not owing to any
disregard, or abatement of friendship, but to a hurry of youthful
engagements, in consequence of which he bad procrastinated his
answer from time to time, until he was ready to return in person.

The young soldier was contented with this apology and, as Pickle's
intention, with respect to his sister, was still dubious and
undeclared, he did not think it was incumbent upon him, as yet,
to express any resentment on that score; but was wise enough to
foresee, that the renewal of his intimacy with our young gentleman
might be the means of reviving that flame which had been dissipated
by a variety of new ideas. With those sentiments, he laid aside
all reserve, and their communication resumed its former channel.
Peregrine made him acquainted with all the adventures in which
he had been engaged since their parting; and he, with the same
confidence, related the remarkable incidents of his own fate;
among other things, giving him to understand, that, upon obtaining
a commission in the army, the father of his dear Sophy, without
once inquiring about the occasion of his promotion, had not only
favoured him with his countenance in a much greater degree than
heretofore, but also contributed his interest, and even promised
the assistance of his purse, in procuring for him a lieutenancy,
which he was then soliciting with all his power; whereas, if he
had not been enabled, by a most accidental piece of good fortune,
to lift himself into the sphere of an officer, he had all the
reason in the world to believe that this gentleman, and all the
rest of his wealthy relations, would have suffered him to languish
in obscurity and distress; and by turning his misfortune into
reproach, made it a plea for their want of generosity and friendship.

Peregrine, understanding the situation of his friend's affairs,
would have accommodated him upon the instant with a sum to accelerate
the passage of his commission through the offices; but, being too
well acquainted with his scrupulous disposition, to manifest his
benevolence in that manner, he found means to introduce himself to
one of the gentlemen of the War Office, who was so well satisfied
with the arguments used in behalf of his friend, that Godfrey's
business was transacted in a very few days, though he himself knew
nothing of his interest being thus reinforced.

By this time, the season at Bath was begun; and our hero, panting
with the desire of distinguishing himself at that resort of
the fashionable world, communicated his design of going thither
to his friend Godfrey, whom he importuned to accompany him in the
excursion; and leave of absence from his regiment being obtained by
the influence of Peregrine's new quality friends, the two companions
departed from London in a post-chaise, attended, as usual, by the
valet-de-chambre and Pipes, who were become almost as necessary to
our adventurer as any two of his own organs.

At the inn, when they alighted for dinner, Godfrey perceived a
person walking by himself in the yard, with a very pensive air, and,
upon observing him more narrowly, recognised him to be a professed
gamester, whom he had formerly known at Tunbridge. On the strength
of this acquaintance, he accosted the peripatetic, who knew him
immediately; and, in the fulness of his grief and vexation, told
him, that he was now on his return from Bath, where he had been
stripped by a  company of sharpers, who resented that he should
presume to trade upon his own bottom.

Peregrine, who was extremely curious in his inquiries, imagining
that he might learn some entertaining and useful anecdotes from this
artist, invited him to dinner, and was accordingly fully informed
of all the political systems at Bath. He understood that there was
at London one great company of adventurers, who employed agents
in all the different branches of imposition throughout the whole
kingdom of England, allowing these ministers a certain proportion
of the profits accruing from their industry and skill, and reserving
the greatest share for the benefit of the common stock, which was
chargeable with the expense of fitting out individuals in their
various pursuits, as well as with the loss sustained in the course
of their adventures. Some whose persons and qualifications are by
the company judged adequate to the task, exert their talents in
making love to ladies of fortune, being accommodated with money
and accoutrements for that purpose, after having given their bonds
payable to one or other of the directors, on the day of marriage,
for certain sums, proportioned to the dowries they are to receive.
Others versed in the doctrine of chances, and certain secret
expediences, frequent all those places where games of hazard are
allowed: and such as are masters in the arts of billiards, tennis,
and bowls, are continually lying in wait, in all the scenes of these
diversions, for the ignorant and unwary.  A fourth class attend
horse-races, being skilled in those mysterious practices by which
the knowing ones are taken in. Nor is this community unfurnished with
those who lay wanton wives and old rich widows under contribution,
and extort money, by prostituting themselves to the embraces of
their own sex, and then threatening their admirers with prosecution.
But their most important returns are made by that body of their
undertakers who exercise their understandings in the innumerable
stratagems of the card table, at which no sharper can be too infamous
to be received, and even caressed by persons of the highest rank
and distinction. Among other articles of intelligence, our young
gentleman learned, that those agents, by whom their guest was broke,
and expelled from Bath. had constituted a bank against all sporters,
and monopolized the advantage in all sorts of play. He then told
Gauntlet, that, if he would put himself under his direction, he
would return with them, and lay such a scheme as would infallibly
ruin the whole society at billiards, as he knew that Godfrey excelled
them all in his knowledge of that game.

The soldier excused himself from engaging in any party of that kind,
and after dinner the travellers parted; but, as the conversation
between the two friends turned upon the information they had received,
Peregrine projected a plan for punishing those villainous pests of
society, who prey upon their fellow-creatures; and it was put in
execution by Gauntlet in the following manner.


Godfrey executes a Scheme at Bath, by which a whole Company of
Sharpers is ruined.

On the evening after their arrival at Bath, Godfrey, who had kept
himself up all day for that purpose, went in boots to the billiard
table; and, two gentlemen being at play, began to bet with so little
appearance of judgment, that one of the adventurers then present
was inflamed with a desire of profiting by his inexperience; and,
when the table was vacant, invited him to take a game for amusement.
The soldier, assuming the air of a self-conceited dupe, answered,
that he did not choose to throw away his time for nothing, but, if
he pleased, would piddle for a crown a game. This declaration was
very agreeable to the other, who wanted to be further confirmed in
the opinion he had conceived of the stranger, before he would play
for anything of consequence. The party being accepted, Gauntlet
put off his coat, and, beginning with seeming eagerness, won the
first game, because his antagonist kept up his play with a view of
encouraging him to wager a greater sum. The soldier purposely bit
at the hook, the stakes were doubled, and he was again victorious,
by the permission of his competitor. He now began to yawn; and
observing, that it was not worth his while to proceed in such a
childish manner; the other swore, in an affected passion, that he
would play him for twenty guineas. The proposal being embraced,
through the connivance of Godfrey, the money was won by the sharper,
who exerted his dexterity to the utmost, fearing that otherwise
his adversary would decline continuing the game.

Godfrey thus conquered, pretended to lose his temper, cursed his
own ill-luck, swore that the table had a cast, and that the balls
did not run true, changed his mast, and with great warmth, challenged
his enemy to double the sum. The gamester, who feigned reluctance,
complied with his desire; and having got the two first hazards,
offered to lay one hundred guineas to fifty on the game. The odds
were taken; and Godfrey having allowed himself to be overcome,
began to rage with great violence, broke the mast to pieces, threw
the balls out of the window, and, in the fury of his indignation,
defied his antagonist to meet him tomorrow, when he should be
refreshed from the fatigue of travelling. This was a very welcome
invitation to the gamester, who, imagining that the soldier would
turn out a most beneficial prize, assured him, that he would not
fail to be there next forenoon, in order to give him his revenge.

Gauntlet went home to his lodgings, fully certified of his own
superiority, and took his measures with Peregrine, touching the
prosecution of their scheme; while his opponent made a report of
his success to the brethren of the gang, who resolved to be present
at the decision of the match, with a view of taking advantage of
the stranger's passionate disposition.

Affairs being thus concerted on both sides, the players met, according
to appointment, and the room was immediately filled with spectators,
who either came thither by accident, curiosity, or design. The match
was fixed for one hundred pounds a game, the principals chose their
instruments, and laid aside their coats, and one of the knights
of the order proffered to lay another hundred on the head of his
associate. Godfrey took him upon the instant. A second worthy of
the same class, seeing him so eager, challenged him to treble the
sum; and his proposal met with the same reception, to the astonishment
of the company, whose expectation was raised to a very interesting
pitch. The game was begun, and the soldier having lost the
first hazard, the odds were offered by the confederacy with great
vociferation; but nobody would run such a risk in favour of a person
who was utterly unknown. The sharper having gained the second also,
the noise increased to a surprising clamour, not only of the gang,
but likewise of almost all the spectators, who desired to lay two
to one against the brother of Emilia.

Peregrine, who was present, perceiving the cupidity of the
association sufficiently inflamed, all of a sudden opened his mouth,
and answered their bets, to the amount of twelve hundred pounds;
which were immediately deposited, on both sides, in money and notes;
so that this was, perhaps, the most important game that ever was
played at billiards. Gauntlet seeing the agreement settled, struck
his antagonist's ball into the pocket in a twinkling, though it
was in one of those situations which are supposed to be against
the striker. The betters were a little discomposed at this event,
for which, however, they consoled themselves by imputing the success
to accident; but when, at the very next stroke, he sprung it over
the table, their countenances underwent an instantaneous distraction
of feature, and they waited, in the most dreadful suspense, for
the next hazard, which being likewise taken with infinite ease by
the soldier, the blood forsook their cheeks, and the interjection
"Zounds!" pronounced with a look of consternation, and in a tone
of despair, proceeded from every mouth at the same instant of time.
They were overwhelmed with horror and astonishment at seeing three
hazards taken in as many strokes, from a person of their friend's
dexterity; and shrewdly suspected, that the whole was a scheme
preconcerted for their destruction. On this supposition, they changed
the note, and attempted to hedge for their own indemnification,
by proposing to lay the odds in favour of Gauntlet; but so much
was the opinion of the company altered by that young gentleman's
success, that no one would venture to espouse the cause of his
competitor, who, chancing to improve his game by the addition of
another lucky hit, diminished the concern, and revived the hopes
of his adherents.

But this gleam of fortune did not long continue. Godfrey collected
his whole art and capacity, and, augmenting his score to number ten,
indulged himself with a view of the whole fraternity. The visages
of these professors had adopted different shades of complexion
at every hazard he had taken: from their natural colour they had
shifted into a sallow hue; from thence into pale; from pale into
yellow, which degenerated into a mahogany tint; and now they saw
seventeen hundred pounds of their stock depending upon a single
stroke, they stood like so many swarthy Moors, jaundiced with
terror and vexation. The fire which naturally glowed in the cheeks
and nose of the player, seemed utterly extinct, and his carbuncles
exhibited a livid appearance, as if a gangrene had already made
some progress in his face; his hand began to shake, and his whole
frame was seized with such trepidation, that he was fain to swallow
a bumper of brandy, in order to re-establish the tranquility of
his nerves. This expedient, however, did not produce the desired
effect; for he aimed the ball at the lead with such discomposure,
that it struck on the wrong side, and came off at an angle which
directed it full in the middle hole. This fatal accident was
attended with a universal groan, as if the whole universe had gone
to wreck; and notwithstanding that tranquility for which adventurers
are so remarkable, this loss made such an impression upon them
all, that each in particular manifested his chagrin, by the most
violent emotions. One turned up his eyes to heaven, and bit his
nether lip; another gnawed his fingers, while he stalked across
the room; a third blasphemed with horrid imprecations; and he who
played the party sneaked off, grinding his teeth together, with a
look that baffles all description, and as he crossed the threshold,
exclaiming, "A d--d bite, by G--!"

The victors, after having insulted them, by asking, if they were
disposed for another chance, carried off their winning, with the
appearance of great composure, though in their hearts they were
transported with unspeakable joy; not so much on account of the
booty they had gained, as in consideration of having so effectually
destroyed such a nest of pernicious miscreants.

Peregrine, believing that now he had found an opportunity of serving
his friend, without giving offence to the delicacy of his honour,
told him, upon their arrival at their lodgings, that fortune had at
length enabled him to become in a manner independent, or at least
make himself easy in his circumstances, by purchasing a company with
the money he had won. So saying, he put his share of the success
in Gauntlet's hand, as a sum that of right belonged to him, and
promised to write in his behalf to a nobleman, who had interest
enough to promote such a quick rise in the service.

Godfrey thanked him for his obliging intention, but absolutely
refused, with great loftiness of demeanour, to appropriate to his
own use any part of the money which Pickle had gained, and seemed
affronted at the other's entertaining a sentiment so unworthy of
his character. He would not even accept, in the way of loan, such
an addition to his own stock, as would amount to the price of
a company of foot; but expressed great confidence in the future
exertion of that talent which had been blessed with such a prosperous
beginning.  Our hero finding him thus obstinately deaf to the voice
of his own interest, resolved to govern himself in his next endeavours
of friendship, by his experience of this ticklish punctilio; and,
in the meantime, gave a handsome benefaction to the hospital, out
of these first fruits of the success in play, and reserved two
hundred pounds for a set of diamond ear-rings and solitaire, which
he intended for a present to Miss Emily.


The two Friends eclipse all their Competitors in Gallantry, and
practise a pleasant Project of Revenge upon the Physicians of the

The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately
diffused through all the companies at Bath; so that, when our
adventurers appeared in public, they were pointed out by an hundred
extended fingers, and considered as consummate artists in all the
different species of finesse, which they would not fail to practise
with the first opportunity. Nor was this opinion of their characters
any obstacle to their reception into the fashionable parties in
the place; but, on the contrary, such a recommendation, which, as
I have already hinted, never fails to operate for the advantage of
the possessor.

This first adventure, therefore, served them as an introduction to
the company at Bath, who were not a little surprised to find their
expectations baffled by the conduct of the two companions; because,
far from engaging deeply at play, they rather shunned all occasions
of gaming, and directed their attention to gallantry, in which our
hero shone unrivalled. His external qualifications, exclusive of
any other merit, were strong enough to captivate the common run
of the female sex; and these, reinforced with a sprightliness of
conversation, and a most insinuating address, became irresistible,
even by those who were fortified with pride, caution, or indifference.
But, among all the nymphs of this gay place, he did not meet with
one object that disputed the empire of his heart with Emilia, and
therefore he divided his attachment according to the suggestions
of vanity and whim; so that, before he had resided a fortnight at
Bath, he had set all the ladies by the ears, and furnished all the
hundred tongues of scandal with full employment.  The splendour of
his appearance excited the inquiries of envy, which, instead of
discovering any circumstances to his prejudice, was cursed with
the information of his being a young gentleman of a good family,
and heir to an immense fortune.

The countenance of some of his quality friends, who arrived at Bath,
confirmed this piece of intelligence. Upon which his acquaintance
was courted and cultivated with great assiduity; and he met with
such advances from some of the fair sex, as rendered him extremely
fortunate in his amours. Nor was his friend Godfrey a stranger to
favours of the same kind; his accomplishments were exactly calculated
for the meridian of female taste; and, with certain individuals
of that sex, his muscular frame, and the robust connection of his
limbs, were more attractive than the delicate proportions of his
companion. He accordingly reigned paramount among those inamoratas
who were turned of thirty, without being under the necessity of
proceeding by tedious addresses, and was thought to have co-operated
with the waters in removing the sterility of certain ladies, who
had long undergone the reproach and disgust of their husbands;
while Peregrine set up his throne among those who laboured under
the disease of celibacy, from the pert miss of fifteen, who,
with a fluttering heart, tosses her head, bridles up, and giggles
involuntarily at sight of a handsome young man, to the staid
maid of twenty-eight, who, with a demure aspect, moralizes on the
vanity of beauty, the folly of youth, and simplicity of woman,
and expatiates on friendship, benevolence, and good sense, in the
style of a Platonic philosopher.

In such a diversity of dispositions, his conquests were attended
with all the heart-burnings, animosities, and turmoils of jealousy
and spite. The younger class took all opportunities of mortifying
their seniors in public, by treating them with that indignity which,
contrary to the general privilege of age, is, by the consent and
connivance of mankind, leveled against those who have the misfortune
to come under the denomination of old maids; and these last retorted
their hostilities in the private machinations of slander, supported
by experience and subtilty of invention. Not one day passed in
which some new story did not circulate, to the prejudice of one or
other of those rivals.

If our hero, in the long-room, chanced to quit one of the moralists,
with whom he had been engaged in conversation, he was immediately
accosted by a number of the opposite faction, who, with ironical
smiles, upbraided him with cruelty to the poor lady he had left,
exhorted him to have compassion on her sufferings; and, turning
their eyes towards the object of their intercession, broke forth
into a universal peal of laughter. On the other hand, when Peregrine,
in consequence of having danced with one of the minors overnight,
visited her in the morning, the Platonists immediately laid hold
on the occasion, tasked their imaginations, associated ideas, and,
with sage insinuations, retailed a thousand circumstances of the
interview, which never had any foundation in truth. They observed,
that, if girls are determined to behave with such indiscretion, they
must lay their accounts with incurring the censure of the world;
that she in question was old enough to act more circumspectly; and
wondered that her mother would permit any young fellow to approach
the chamber while her daughter was naked in bed. As for the servants
peeping through the key-hole, to be sure it was an unlucky accident;
but people ought to be upon their guard against such curiosity, and
give their domestics no cause to employ their penetration. These
and other such reflections were occasionally whispered as secrets
among those who were known to be communicative; so that, in a few
hours, it became the general topic of discourse; and, as it had
been divulged under injunctions of secrecy, it was almost impossible
to trace the scandal to its origin; because every person concerned
must have promulgated her own breach of trust, in discovering her
author of the report.

Peregrine, instead of allaying, rather exasperated this contention,
by an artful distribution of his attention among the competitors;
well knowing, that, should his regard be converged into one point,
he would soon forfeit the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at
variance; for both parties would join against the common enemy,
and his favourite would be persecuted by the whole coalition. He
perceived, that, among the secret agents of scandal, none were so
busy as the physicians, a class of animals who live in this place,
like so many ravens hovering about a carcase, and even ply for
employment, like scullers at Hungerford-stairs. The greatest part
of them have correspondents in London, who make it their business
to inquire into the history, character, and distemper of every one
that repairs to Bath, for the benefit of the waters, and if they
cannot procure interest to recommend their medical friends to these
patients before they set out, they at least furnish them with a
previous account of what they could collect, that their correspondents
may use this intelligence for their own advantage. By these means,
and the assistance of flattery and assurance, they often insinuate
themselves into the acquaintance of strangers, and, by consulting
their dispositions, become necessary and subservient to their
prevailing passions. By their connection with apothecaries and
nurses, they are informed of all the private occurrences in each
family, and therefore enabled to gratify the rancour of malice, amuse
the spleen of peevish indisposition, and entertain the eagerness
of impertinent curiosity.

In the course of these occupations, which frequently affected the
reputation of our two adventurers, this whole body fell under the
displeasure of our hero, who, after divers consultations with his
friend, concerted a stratagem, which was practised upon the faculty
in this manner. Among those who frequented the pump-room, was an
old officer, whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated
attacks of the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of
his limbs, sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and
perverseness.  He imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the
malpractice of a surgeon who had administered to him, while he
laboured under the consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this
supposition had inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy
to all the professors of the medical art, which was more and more
confirmed by the information of a friend at London, who had told
him, that it was the common practice among the physicians at Bath
to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the cure,
and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.

Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few
general instructions he had received, used the waters without any
farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and
contempt of the sons of Esculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,
and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew
they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition.
But he did not find his account in this method, how successful
soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, instead
of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged: and at length
he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to
night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than
ever to adhere to his former maxims.

In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of
the town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians,
who triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes,
employed a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with
great haste, early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors
in town, and desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable
despatch. In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put
themselves in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the
same instant of time, far from complimenting one another with the
door, each separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate
stuck in the passage. While they remained thus wedged together,
they descried two of their brethren posting towards the same goal,
with all the speed that God had enabled them to exert; upon which
they came to a parley, and agreed to stand by one another. This
covenant being made, they disentangled themselves, and, inquiring
about the patient, were told by the servant that he had just fallen

Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his
ante-chamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted
themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage
was filled, from the top of the staircase to the street-door;
and the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant,
struck dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned
gang had no sooner made their lodgment good, than they began to
consult about the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended
to have considered with great care and assiduity. The first who
gave his opinion, said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis;
the second affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed pox;
and the third swore, it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity
of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations from medical
authors, ancient as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient
authority, or, at least, not explicit enough to decide the dispute;
for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion,
and each sect can quote the fathers in support of the tenets they
profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour,
as not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked
the patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten
whole days. Had it been simply waking, he would have been obliged
to them for the noise that disturbed him; for, in that case, he
would have been relieved from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in
his dreams, he fancied himself exposed. But this dreadful vision
had been the result of that impression which was made upon his
brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints; so that, when he
awaked, the pain, instead of being allayed, was rather aggravated
by a great acuteness of sensation; and the confused vociferation
in the next room invading his ears at the same time, he began to
think his dream was realised, and, in the pangs of despair, applied
himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he rung with
great violence and perseverance.

This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three
doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his
chamber, without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the
third made the like application to one of his temples. Before the
patient could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid
hold on him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled
by the rest of the faculty, who followed the servant that entered
in obedience to his master's call; and the bed was in a moment
surrounded by these gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing
himself beset with such an assemblage of solemn visages and figures,
which he had always considered with the utmost detestation and
abhorrence, was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation;
and so inspirited by his rage, that though his tongue denied its
office, his other limbs performed their functions. He disengaged
himself from the triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body,
sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his
crutches, applied it so effectually to one of the three, just as
he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his tie-periwig
dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless on the floor.

This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity;
every man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the
door; and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the
efforts of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued. For
the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit,
handled his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without
respect of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without
marks of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sank down
again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the
discomfited faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen
off in the fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled
to renew the attack, set up their throats together, and loudly
threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault.

By this time the landlord had interposed; and, inquiring into the
cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the
complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that
they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning,
he assured them that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his
lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.

Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously
ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature
of the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had
sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification; while Peregrine
and his friend, who took care to be passing that way by accident,
made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and
enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as he appeared;
nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most affected with
their situation, and mischievously tormented them with questions,
touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence of
the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's
valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company
in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of this
farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries
of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed
the whole: though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous
manner, as afforded no handle of prosecution.


Peregrine humbles a noted Hector, and meets with a strange Character
at the House of a certain Lady.

Among those who never failed to reside at Bath during the season,
was a certain person, who, from the most abject misery, had, by his
industry and art at play, amassed about fifteen thousand pounds;
and though his character was notorious, insinuated himself so far
into the favour of what is called the best company, that very few
private parties of pleasure took place in which he was not principally
concerned. He was of a gigantic stature, a most intrepid countenance;
and his disposition, naturally overbearing, had, in the course of
his adventures and success, acquired a most intolerable degree of
insolence and vanity. By the ferocity of his features, and audacity
of his behaviour, he had obtained a reputation for the most undaunted
courage, which had been confirmed by divers adventures, in which
he had humbled the most assuming heroes of his own fraternity; so
that he now reigned chief Hector of the place with unquestioned

With this son of fortune was Peregrine one evening engaged at play,
and so successful, that he could not help informing his friend
of his good luck. Godfrey, hearing the description of the loser,
immediately recognized the person, whom he had known at Tunbridge;
and, assuring Pickle that he was a sharper of the first water,
cautioned him against any further connection with such a dangerous
companion, who, he affirmed, had suffered him to win a small sum,
that he might be encouraged to lose a much greater sum upon some
other occasion.

Our young gentleman treasured up this advice; and though he did
not scruple to give the gamester an opportunity of retrieving his
loss, when he next day demanded his revenge, he absolutely refused
to proceed after he had refunded his winning. The other, who considered
him as a hot-headed unthinking youth, endeavoured to inflame his
pride to a continuance of the game, by treating his skill with scorn
and contempt; and, among other sarcastic expressions, advised him
to go to school again, before he pretended to engage with masters
of the art. Our hero, incensed at his arrogance, replied with great
warmth, that he knew himself sufficiently qualified for playing
with men of honour, who deal upon the square, and hoped he should
always deem it infamous either to learn or practise the tricks of
a professed gamester. "Blood and thunder! meaning me, sir?" cried
this artist, raising his voice, and curling his visage into a most
intimidating frown. "Zounds! I'll cut the throat of any scoundrel
who has the presumption to suppose that I don't play as honourably
as e'er a nobleman in the kingdom: and I insist upon an explanation
from you, sir; or, by hell and brimstone! I shall expect other
sort of satisfaction." Peregrine (whose blood by this time boiled
within him) answered without hesitation, "Far from thinking your
demand unreasonable, I will immediately explain myself without
reserve, and tell you, that, upon unquestionable authority, I
believe you to be an impudent rascal and common cheat."

The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of this
declaration, which he thought no man on earth would venture to make
in his presence, that, for some minutes, he could not recollect
himself; but at length whispered a challenge in the ear of our
hero, which was accordingly accepted. When they arrived next morning
upon the field, the gamester, arming his countenance with all its
terrors, advanced with a sword of a monstrous length, and, putting
himself in a posture, called out aloud in a most terrific voice,
"Draw, d--n ye, draw; I will this instant send you to your fathers."
The youth was not slow in complying with his desire; his weapon was
unsheathed in a moment, and he began the attack with such unexpected
spirit and address, that his adversary, having made shift with
great difficulty to parry the first pass, retreated a few paces,
and demanded a parley, in which he endeavoured to persuade the
young man, that to lay a man of his character under the necessity
of chastising his insolence, was the most rash and inconsiderate
step that he could possibly have taken; but that he had compassion
upon his youth, and was willing to spare him if he would surrender
his sword, and promise to ask pardon in public for the offence
he had given. Pickle was so much exasperated at this unparalleled
effrontery, that, without deigning to make the least reply, he
flung his own hat in the proposer's face, and renewed the charge
with such undaunted agility, that the gamester, finding himself in
manifest hazard of his life, betook himself to his heels, and fled
homewards with incredible speed, being closely pursued by Peregrine,
who, having sheathed his sword, pelted him with stones as he ran,
and compelled him to go, that same day, into banishment from Bath,
where he had domineered so long.

By this achievement, which was the subject of astonishment to all
the company, who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroic
courage, our adventurer's reputation was rendered formidable in
all its circumstances; although he thereby disobliged a good many
people of fashion, who had contracted an intimacy of friendship
with the exile, and who resented his disgrace, as if it had been
the misfortune of a worthy man. These generous patrons, however,
bore a very small proportion to those who were pleased with the
event of the duel; because, in the course of their residence at
Bath, they had either been insulted or defrauded by the challenger.
Nor was this instance of our hero's courage unacceptable to
the ladies, few of whom could now resist the united force of such
accomplishments.  Indeed, neither he nor his friend Godfrey would
have found much difficulty in picking up an agreeable companion for
life; but Gauntlet's heart was pre-engaged to Sophy; and Pickle,
exclusive of his attachment to Emily, which was stronger than he
himself imagined, possessed such a share of ambition as could not
be satisfied with the conquest of any female he beheld at Bath.

His visits were, therefore, promiscuous, without any other view
than that of amusement; and though his pride was flattered by the
advances of the fair, whom he had captivated, he never harboured
one thought of proceeding beyond the limits of common gallantry,
and carefully avoided all particular explanations. But, what above
all other enjoyments yielded him the most agreeable entertainment,
was the secret history of characters, which he learned from a very
extraordinary person, with whom he became acquainted in this manner.

Being at the house of a certain lady on a visiting day, he was struck
with the appearance of an old man, who no sooner entered the room
than the mistress of the house very kindly desired one of the wits
present to roast the old put. This petit-maitre, proud of the
employment, went up to the senior, who had something extremely
peculiar and significant in his countenance, and saluting him with
divers fashionable congees, accosted him in these words: "Your
servant, you old rascal. I hope to have the honour of seeing you
hanged. I vow to Gad! you look extremely shocking, with these gummy
eyes, lanthorn jaws, and toothless chaps. What! you squint at the
ladies, you old rotten medlar? Yes, yes, we understand your ogling;
but you must content yourself with a cook-maid, sink me! I see you
want to sit. These withered shanks of yours tremble under their
burden; but you must have a little patience, old Hirco! indeed you
must. I intend to mortify you a little longer, curse me!"

The company was so tickled with this address, which was delivered
with much grimace and gesticulation, that they burst out into a
loud fit of laughter, which they fathered upon a monkey that was
chained in the room; and, when the peal was over, the wit renewed
the attack in these words: "I suppose you are fool enough to think
this mirth was occasioned by Pug. Ay, there he is; you had best
survey him; he is of your own family; switch me. But the laugh was
at your expense; and you ought to thank Heaven for making you so
ridiculous." While he uttered these ingenious ejaculations, the
old gentleman bowed alternately to him and the monkey, that seemed
to grin and chatter in imitation of the beau, and, with an arch
solemnity of visage, pronounced, "Gentlemen, as I have not the honour
to understand your compliments, they will be much better bestowed
on each other." So saying, he seated himself, and had the satisfaction
to see the laugh returned upon the aggressor, who remained confounded
and abashed, and in a few minutes left the room, muttering, as he
retired, "The old fellow grows scurrilous, stap my breath!"

While Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene, the
lady of the house perceiving his surprise, gave him to understand,
that the ancient visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing;
that his name was Cadwallader Crabtree, his disposition altogether
misanthropical; and that he was admitted into company on account
of entertainment he afforded by his sarcastic observations, and
the pleasant mistakes to which he was subject from his infirmity.
Nor did our hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd
character. Every sentence he spoke was replete with gall; nor did
his satire consist in general reflections, but a series of remarks,
which had been made through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity
of opinion.

Among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer,
who having, by dint of interest, obtained a seat in the lower
house, thought it incumbent upon him to talk of affairs of state;
and accordingly regaled the company with an account of a secret
expedition which the French were busied in preparing; assuring
them that he had it from the mouth of the minister, to whom it had
been transmitted by one of his agents abroad. In descanting upon
the particulars of the armament, he observed that they had twenty
ships of the line ready manned and victualled at Brest, which were
destined for Toulon, where they would be joined by as many more;
and from thence proceed to the execution of their scheme, which he
imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged.

This piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company
except Mr. Crabtree, who suffered by his loss of hearing, that cynic
was soon after accosted by a lady, who, by means of an artificial
alphabet, formed by a certain conjunction and disposition of the
fingers, asked if he had heard any extraordinary news of late.
Cadwallader, with his usual complaisance, replied, that he supposed
she took him for a courier or spy, by teasing him eternally with
that question. He then expatiated upon the foolish curiosity of
mankind, which, he said, must either proceed from idleness or want
of ideas; and repeated almost verbatim the officer's information,
a vague ridiculous report invented by some ignorant coxcomb, who
wanted to give himself airs of importance, and believed only by
those who were utterly unacquainted with the politics and strength
of the French nation.

In confirmation of what he had advanced, he endeavoured to demonstrate
how impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third
part of such a navy, so soon after the losses they had sustained
during the war; and confirmed his proof by asserting, that to
his certain knowledge, the harbours of Brest and Toulon could not
at that time produce a squadron of eight ships of the line.  The
member, who was an utter stranger to this misanthrope, hearing his
own asseverations treated with such contempt, glowed with confusion
and resentment, and, raising his voice, began to defend his own
veracity, with great eagerness and trepidation, mingling with his
arguments many blustering invectives, against the insolence and
ill manners of his supposed contradictor, who sat with the most
mortifying composure of countenance, till the officer's patience
was quite exhausted, and then, to the manifest increase of his
vexation, he was informed, that his antagonist was so deaf, that
in all probability, the last trumpet would make no impression upon
him, without a previous renovation of his organs.


He cultivates an Acquaintance with the Misanthrope, who favours
him with a short Sketch of his own History.

Peregrine was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke,
which occurred so seasonably, that he could scarce believe it
accidental. He looked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity
he had ever known, and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with
such insinuating address, that in less than a fortnight he obtained
his confidence. As they one day walked into the fields together,
the man-hater disclosed himself in these words:--"Though the term
of our communication has been but short, you must have perceived,
that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard; which, I assure
you, is not owing to your personal accomplishments, nor the pains
you take to oblige me; for the first I overlook, and the last I see
through. But there is something in your disposition which indicates
a rooted contempt for the world, and I understand you have made
some successful efforts in exposing one part of it to the ridicule
of the other. It is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice
and assistance, in prosecuting other schemes of the same nature;
and to convince you that such an alliance is not to be rejected,
I will now give you a short sketch of my history, which will be
published after my death, in forty-seven volumes of my own compiling.

"I was born about forty miles from this place, of parents who, having
a very old family name to support, bestowed their whole fortune
on my elder brother; so that I inherited of my father little else
than a large share of choler, to which I am indebted for a great
many adventures that did not always end to my satisfaction. At the
age of eighteen I was sent up to town, with a recommendation to
a certain peer, who found means to amuse me with the promise of a
commission for seven whole years; and 'tis odds but I should have
made my fortune by my perseverance, had not I been arrested, and
thrown into the Marshalsea by my landlord, on whose credit I had
subsisted three years, after my father had renounced me as an idle
vagabond. There I remained six months, among those prisoners who
have no other support than chance charity; and contracted a very
valuable acquaintance, which was of great service to me in the
future emergencies of my life.

"I was no sooner discharged, in consequence of an act of parliament
for the relief of insolvent debtors, than I went to the house of my
creditor, whom I cudgelled without mercy; and, that I might leave
nothing undone of those things which I ought to have done, my next
stage was to Westminster Hall, where I waited until my patron came
forth from the house, and saluted him with a blow that laid him
senseless on the pavement. But my retreat was not so fortunate as
I could have wished. The chairman and lacqueys in waiting having
surrounded and disarmed me in a trice, I was committed to Newgate,
and loaded with chains; and a very sagacious gentleman, who was
afterwards hanged, having sat in judgment upon my case, pronounced
me guilty of a capital crime, and foretold my condemnation at the
Old Bailey. His prognostic, however, was disappointed; for nobody
appearing to prosecute me at the next session, I was discharged by
order of the court. It would be impossible for me to recount, in
the compass of one day's conversation, all the particular exploits
of which I bore considerable share. Suffice it to say, I have been,
at different times, prisoner in all the jails within the bills
of mortality. I have broken from every round-house on this side
Temple-bar. No bailiff, in the days of my youth and desperation,
durst execute a writ upon me without a dozen of followers; and the
justices themselves trembled when I was brought before them.

"I was once maimed by a carman, with whom I quarrelled, because
he ridiculed my leek on St. David's day; my skull was fractured by
a butcher's cleaver on the like occasion. I have been run through
the body five times, and lost the tip of my left ear by a pistol
bullet.  In a rencontre of this kind, having left my antagonist
for dead, I was wise enough to make my retreat into France; and a
few days after my arrival at Paris, entering into conversation with
some officers on the subject of politics, a dispute arose, in which
I lost my temper, and spoke so irreverently of the Grand Monarque,
that next morning I was sent to the Bastille, by virtue of a
lettre de cachet.  There I remained for some months, deprived of
all intercourse with rational creatures; a circumstance for which
I was not sorry, as I had the more time to project schemes of
revenge against the tyrant who confined me, and the wretch who had
betrayed my private conversation. But tired, at length, with these
fruitless suggestions, I was fain to unbend the severity of my
thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders, who
had hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours.

"I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an
adept in the mystery of weaving, and furnished myself with as many
useful observations and reflections on that art, as will compose
a very curious treatise, which I intend to bequeath to the Royal
Society, for the benefit of our woollen manufacture; and this with
a view to perpetuate my own name, rather than befriend my country;
for, thank Heaven! I am weaned from all attachments of that kind,
and look upon myself as one very little obliged to any society
whatsoever. Although I presided with absolute power over this
long-legged community, and distributed punishments and rewards to
each, according to his deserts, I grew impatient of my situation;
and my natural disposition one day prevailing, like a fire which
had long been smothered, I wreaked the fury of my indignation upon
my innocent subjects, and in a twinkling destroyed the whole race.
While I was employed in this general massacre, the turnkey, who
brought me food, opened the door, and perceiving my transport,
shrugged up his shoulders, and leaving my allowance, went out,
pronouncing, Le pauvre diable! la tete lui tourne. My passion no
sooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the
jailor, and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success,
that in less than three months I was delivered from the Bastille,
and sent to the galleys, in which they thought my bodily vigour
might be of service, although the faculties of my mind were decayed.
Before I was chained to the oar, I received three hundred stripes
by way of welcome, that I might thereby be rendered more tractable,
notwithstanding I used all the arguments in my power to persuade them
I was only mad north-north-west, and, when the wind was southerly,
knew a hawk from a handsaw.

"In our second cruise we had the good fortune to be overtaken by
a tempest, during which the slaves were unbound, that they might
contribute the more to the preservation of the galley, and have a
chance for their lives, in case of shipwreck. We were no sooner at
liberty, than, making ourselves masters of the vessel, we robbed
the officers, and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of
Portugal; from whence I hastened to Lisbon, with a view of obtaining
my passage in some ship bound for England, where, by this time, I
hoped my affair was forgotten.

"But, before this scheme could be accomplished, my evil genius led me
into company; and, being intoxicated, I began to broach doctrines
on the subject of religion, at which some of the party were
scandalized and incensed; and I was next day dragged out of bed
by the officers of the Inquisition, and conveyed to a cell in the
prison belonging to that tribunal.

"At my first examination, my resentment was strong enough to support
me under the torture, which I endured without flinching; but my
resolution abated, and my zeal immediately cooled, when I understood
from a fellow-prisoner, who groaned on the other side of the
partition, that in a short time there would be an auto da fe; in
consequence of which I should, in all probability, be doomed to
the flames, if I would not renounce my heretical errors, and submit
to such penance as the church should think fit to prescribe. This
miserable wretch was convicted of Judaism, which he had privately
practised by connivance for many years, until he had amassed a
fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the church. To this he
fell a sacrifice, and accordingly prepared himself for the stake;
while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom, resolved
to temporize; so that, when I was brought to the question the second
time, I made a solemn recantation. As I had no worldly fortune to
obstruct my salvation, I was received into the bosom of the church,
and, by way of penance, enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the
habit of a pilgrim.

"During my peregrination through Spain, I was detained as a spy,
until I could procure credentials from the Inquisition at Lisbon;
and behaved with such resolution and reserve, that, after being
released, I was deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of
a secret intelligencer at a certain court. This office I undertook
without hesitation; and being furnished with money and bills of
credit, crossed the Pyrenees, with intention to revenge myself upon
the Spaniards for the severities I had undergone during my captivity.

"Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress,
and a large patch on one eye, I hired an equipage, and appeared at
Bologna in quality of an itinerant physician; in which capacity I
succeeded tolerably well, till my servants decamped in the night
with my baggage, and left me in the condition of Adam. In short,
I have travelled over the greatest part of Europe, as a beggar,
pilgrim, priest, soldier, gamester, and quack; and felt the extremes
of indigence and opulence, with the inclemency of weather in all
its vicissitudes. I have learned that the characters of mankind
are everywhere the same; that common sense and honesty bear an
infinitely small proportion to folly and vice; and that life is at
best a paltry province.

"After having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers, and disgraces,
I returned to London, where I lived some years in a garret, and
picked up a subsistence, such as it was, by vending purges in the
streets, from the back of a pied horse, in which situation I used
to harangue the mob in broken English, under pretence of being an
High German doctor.

"At last an uncle died, by whom I inherited an estate of three
hundred pounds per annum, though, in his lifetime, he would not
have parted with a sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition.

"I now appear in the world, not as a member of any community,
or what is called a social creature, but merely as a spectator,
who entertains himself with the grimaces of a jack-pudding, and
banquets his spleen in beholding his enemies at loggerheads. That
I may enjoy this disposition, abstracted from all interruption,
danger, and participation, I feign myself deaf; an expedient by
which I not only avoid all disputes and their consequences, but
also become master of a thousand little secrets, which are every
day whispered in my presence, without any suspicion of their being
overheard. You saw how I handled that shallow politician at my
Lady Plausible's the other day. The same method I practise upon
the crazed Tory, the bigot Whig, the sour, supercilious pedant,
the petulant critic, the blustering coward, the fawning fool, the
pert imp, sly sharper, and every other species of knaves and fools,
with which this kingdom abounds.

"In consequence of my rank and character, I obtain free admission
to the ladies, among whom I have acquired the appellation of the
Scandalous Chronicle. As I am considered, while silent, in no other
light than that of a footstool or elbow-chair, they divest their
conversation of all restraint before me, and gratify my sense of
hearing with strange things, which, if I could prevail upon myself
to give the world that satisfaction, would compose a curious piece
of secret history, and exhibit a quite different idea of characters
from what is commonly entertained.

"By this time, young gentleman, you may perceive that I have it
in my power to be a valuable correspondent, and that it will be to
your interest to deserve my confidence."

Here the misanthrope left off speaking, desirous to know the
sentiments of our hero, who embraced the proffered alliance in a
transport of joy and surprise; and the treaty was no sooner concluded,
than Mr. Crabtree began to perform articles, by imparting to him a
thousand delicious secrets, from the possession of which he promised
himself innumerable scenes of mirth and enjoyment. By means of this
associate, whom he considered as the ring of Gyges, he foresaw,
that he should be enabled to penetrate, not only into the chambers,
but even to the inmost thoughts of the female sex. In order to
ward off suspicion, they agreed to revile each other in public, and
meet at a certain private rendezvous, to communicate their mutual
discoveries, and concert their future operations.

But, soon after this agreement, our adventurer was summoned to the
garrison by an express from his friend Hatchway, representing that
the commodore lay at the point of death; and, in less than an hour
after the receipt of this melancholy piece of news, he set out
post for his uncle's habitation, having previously taken leave of
Crabtree, who promised to meet him in two months in London; and
settled a correspondence with Gauntlet, who proposed to remain at
Bath during the rest of the season.


Peregrine arrives at the Garrison, where he receives the last
Admonitions of Commodore Trunnion, who next Day resigns his Breath,
and is buried according to his own Directions--Some Gentlemen in
the Country make a fruitless Attempt to accommodate Matters betwixt
Mr.  Gamaliel Pickle and his eldest Son.

About four o'clock in the morning our hero arrived at the garrison,
where he found his generous uncle in extremity, supported in bed
by Julia on one side, and Lieutenant Hatchway on the other, while
Mr.  Jolter administered spiritual consolation to his soul; and
between whiles comforted Mrs. Trunnion, who, with her maid, sat by
the fire, weeping with great decorum; the physician having just taken
his last fee, and retired, after pronouncing the fatal prognostic,
in which he anxiously wished he might be mistaken.

Though the commodore's speech was interrupted by a violent hiccup,
he still retained the use of his senses; and, when Peregrine approached,
stretched out his hand with manifest signs of satisfaction. The
young gentleman, whose heart overflowed with gratitude and affection,
could not behold such a spectacle unmoved.  He endeavoured to
conceal his tenderness, which, in the wildness of his youth, and
the pride of his disposition, he considered as a derogation from
his manhood; but, in spite of all his endeavours, the tears gushed
from his eyes, while he kissed the old man's hand; and he was so
utterly disconcerted by his grief, that, when he attempted to speak,
his tongue denied its office; so that the commodore, perceiving
his disorder, made a last effort of strength, and consoled him in
these words:--"Swab the spray from your bowsprit, my good lad, and
coil up your spirits. You must not let the toplifts of your heart
give way, because you see me ready to go down at these years. Many
a better man has foundered before he has made half my way; thof I
trust, by the mercy of God, I shall be sure in port in a very few
glasses, and fast moored in a most blessed riding; for my good
friend Jolter hath overhauled the journal of my sins, and, by the
observation he hath taken of the state of my soul, I hope I shall
happily conclude my voyage, and be brought up in the latitude of
heaven. Here has been a doctor that wanted to stow me chock full of
physic; but, when a man's hour is come, what signifies his taking
his departure with a 'pothecary's shop in his hold? Those fellows
come alongside of dying men, like the messengers of the Admiralty
with sailing orders; but I told him as how I could slip my cable
without his direction or assistance, and so he hauled off in
dudgeon. This cursed hiccup makes such a rippling in the current
of my speech, that mayhap you don't understand what I say. Now,
while the sucker of my wind-pump will go, I would willingly mention
a few things, which I hope you will set down in the log-book of your
remembrance, when I am stiff, d'ye see. There's your aunt sitting
whimpering by the fire; I desire you will keep her tight, warm,
and easy in her old age, she's an honest heart in her own way,
and, thof she goes a little crank and humoursome, by being often
overstowed with Nantz and religion, she has been a faithful shipmate
to me, and I daresay she never turned in with another man since
we first embarked in the same bottom. Jack Hatchway, you know the
trim of her as well as e'er a man in England, and I believe she has
a kindness for you; whereby, if you two will grapple in the way of
matrimony, when I am gone, I do suppose that my godson, for love
of me, will allow you to live in the garrison all the days of your

Peregrine assured him, he would with pleasure comply with any request
he should make in behalf of two persons whom he esteemed so much.
The lieutenant, with a waggish sneer, which even the gravity of the
situation could not prevent, thanked them both for their good-will,
telling the commodore, he was obliged to him for his friendship, in
seeking to promote him to the command of a vessel which he himself
had worn out in the service; but that, notwithstanding, he should
be content to take charge of her, though he could not help being
shy of coming after such an able navigator.

Trunnion, exhausted as he was, smiled at this sally, and, after some
pause, resumed his admonitions in this manner:--"I need not talk of
Pipes, because I know you'll do for him without any recommendation;
the fellow has sailed with me in many a hard gale, and I'll warrant
him as stout a seaman as ever set face to the weather. But I hope
you'll take care of the rest of my crew, and not disrate them after
I am dead, in favour of new followers. As for that young woman, Ned
Gauntlet's daughter, I'm informed as how she's an excellent wench,
and has a respect for you; whereby, if you run her on board in an
unlawful way, I leave my curse upon you, and trust you will never
prosper in the voyage of life. But I believe you are more of an
honest man, than to behave so much like a pirate. I beg, of all
love, you wool take care of your constitution, and beware of running
foul of harlots, who are no better than so many mermaids, that sit
upon rocks in the sea, and hang out a fair face for the destruction
of passengers; thof I must say, for my own part, I never met with
any of those sweet singers, and yet I have gone to sea for the
space of thirty years. But howsomever, steer your course clear of
all such brimstone b--s. Shun going to law, as you would shun the
devil; and look upon all attorneys as devouring sharks, or ravenous
fish of prey. As soon as the breath is out of my body, let minute
guns be fired, till I am safe under ground. I would also be buried
in the red jacket I had on when I boarded and took the Renummy.
Let my pistols, cutlass, and pocket-compass be laid in the coffin
along with me. Let me be carried to the grave by my own men, rigged
in the black caps and white shirts which my barge's crew were wont
to wear; and they must keep a good look out, that none of your
pilfering rascallions may come and heave me up again, for the lucre
of what they can get, until the carcase is belayed by a tombstone.
As for the motto, or what you call it, I leave that to you and
Mr. Jolter, who are scholars; but I do desire, that it may not be
engraved in the Greek or Latin lingos, and much less in the French,
which I abominate, but in plain English, that, when the angel
comes to pipe all hands, at the great day, he may know that I am
a British man, and speak to me in my mother tongue. And now I have
no more to say, but God in heaven have mercy upon my soul, and send
you all fair weather, wheresoever you are bound."

So saying, he regarded every individual around him with a look of
complacency, and closing his eye, composed himself to rest, while
the whole audience, Pipes himself not excepted, were melted with
sorrow; and Mrs. Trunnion consented to quit the room, that she might
not be exposed to the unspeakable anguish of seeing him expire.

His last moments, however, were not so near as they imagined. He
began to doze, and enjoyed small intervals of ease, till next day
in the afternoon; during which remissions, he was heard to pour
forth many pious ejaculations, expressing his hope, that, for
all the heavy cargo of his sins, he should be able to surmount
the puttock-shrouds of despair, and get aloft to the cross-trees
of God's good favour. At last his voice sunk so low as not to be
distinguished; and, having lain about an hour, almost without any
perceptible signs of life, he gave up the ghost with a groan which
announced his decease.

Julia was no sooner certified of this melancholy event, than she
ran to her aunt's chamber, weeping aloud; and immediately a very
decent concert was performed by the good widow and her attendants.
Peregrine and Hatchway retired till the corpse should be laid
out; and Pipes having surveyed the body, with a face of rueful
attention,--"Well fare thy soul! old Hawser Trunnion," said he:
"man and boy I have known thee these five-and-thirty years, and
sure a truer heart never broke biscuit. Many a hard gale hast thou
weathered; but now thy spells are all over, and thy hull fairly
laid up. A better commander I'd never desire to serve; and who knows
but I may help to set up thy standing rigging in another world?"

All the servants of the house were affected with the loss of their
old master; and the poor people in the neighbourhood assembled at
the gate, and, by repeated howlings, expressed their sorrow for
the death of their charitable benefactor. Peregrine, though he felt
everything which love and gratitude could inspire on this occasion,
was not so much overwhelmed with affliction as to be incapable of
taking the management of the family into his own hands. He gave
directions about the funeral with great discretion, after having
paid the compliments of condolence to his aunt, whom he consoled
with the assurance of his inviolable esteem and affection. He ordered
a suit of mourning to be made for every person in the garrison,
and invited all the neighbouring gentlemen to the burial, not even
excepting his father and brother Gam, who did not, however, honour
the ceremony with their presence; nor was his mother humane enough
to visit her sister-in-law in her distress.

In the method of interment, the commodore's injunctions were obeyed
to a title; and at the same time our hero made a donation of fifty
pounds to the poor of the parish, as a benefaction which his uncle
had forgot to bequeath. Having performed these obsequies with the
most pious punctuality, he examined the will, to which there was
no addition since it had first been executed, adjusted the payment
of all the legacies, and, being sole executor, took an account of
the estate to which he had succeeded, which, after all deductions,
amounted to thirty thousand pounds. The possession of such a
fortune, of which he was absolute master, did not at all contribute
to the humiliation of his spirit, but inspired him with new ideas
of grandeur and magnificence, and elevated his hope to the highest
pinnacle of expectation.

His domestic affairs being settled, he was visited by almost all
the gentlemen of the county, who came to pay their compliments of
congratulation on his accession to the estate; and some of them
offered their good offices towards a reconciliation betwixt his father
and him, induced by the general detestation which was entertained
for his brother Gam, who was by this time looked upon by his
neighbours as a prodigy of insolence and malice. Our young squire
thanked them for their kind proposal, which he accepted; and old
Gamaliel, at their entreaties, seemed very well disposed to any
accommodation: but as he would not venture to declare himself before
he had consulted his wife, his favourable disposition was rendered
altogether ineffectual, by the instigations of that implacable
woman; and our hero resigned all expectation of being reunited to
his father's house. His brother, as usual, took all opportunities
of injuring his character, by false aspersions, and stories
misrepresented, in order to prejudice his reputation; nor was his
sister Julia suffered to enjoy her good fortune in peace. Had he
undergone such persecution from an alien to his blood, the world
would have heard of his revenge; but, notwithstanding his indignation,
he was too much tinctured by the prejudices of consanguinity, to
lift his arm in judgment against the son of his own parents; and this
consideration abridged the term of his residence at the garrison,
where he had proposed to stay for some months.



The young Gentleman, having settled his domestic Affairs, arrives
in London, and sets up a gay Equipage--He meets with Emilia, and
is introduced to her Uncle.

His aunt, at the earnest solicitations of Julia and her husband,
took up her quarters at the house of that affectionate kinswoman,
who made it her chief study to comfort and cherish the disconsolate
widow; and Jolter, in expectation of the living, which was not yet
vacant, remained in garrison, in quality of land-steward upon our
hero's country estate. As for the lieutenant, our young gentleman
communed with him in a serious manner, about the commodore's proposal
of taking Mrs. Trunnion to wife; and Jack, being quite tired of the
solitary situation of a bachelor, which nothing but the company of
his old commander could have enabled him to support so long, far
from discovering aversion from the match, observed with an arch
smile, that it was not the first time he had commanded a vessel in
the absence of Captain Trunnion; and therefore, if the widow was
willing, he would cheerfully stand by her helm, and, as he hoped
the duty would not be of long continuance, do his endeavour to
steer her safe into port, where the commodore might come on board,
and take charge of her again.

In consequence of this declaration, it was determined that Mr.
Hatchway should make his addresses to Mrs. Trunnion as soon as
decency would permit her to receive them; and Mr. Clover and his
wife promised to exert their influence on his behalf. Meanwhile,
Jack was desired to live at the castle as usual, and assured, that
it should be put wholly in his possession, as soon as he should be
able to accomplish this matrimonial scheme.

When Peregrine had settled all these points to his own satisfaction,
he took leave of all his friends, and, repairing to the great city,
purchased a new chariot and horses, put Pipes and another lacquey
into rich liveries, took elegant lodgings in Pall Mall, and made
a most remarkable appearance among the people of fashion.

It was owing to this equipage, and the gaiety of his personal
deportment, that common fame, which is always a common liar,
represented him as a young gentleman who had just succeeded to an
estate of five thousand pounds per annum, by the death of an uncle;
that he was entitled to an equal fortune at the decease of his
own father, exclusive of two considerable jointures, which would
devolve upon him at the demise of his mother and aunt. This report,
false and ridiculous as it was, he could not find in his heart to
contradict. Not but that he was sorry to find himself so misrepresented;
but his vanity would not allow him to take any step that might
diminish his importance in the opinion of those who courted his
acquaintance, on the supposition that his circumstances were actually
as affluent as they were said to be. Nay, so much was he infatuated
by this weakness, that he resolved to encourage the deception,
by living up to the report; and accordingly engaged in the most
expensive parties of pleasure, believing that, before his present
finances should be exhausted, his fortune would be effectually
made, by the personal accomplishments he should have occasion to
display to the beau monde in the course of his extravagance. In a
word, vanity and pride were the ruling foibles of our adventurer,
who imagined himself sufficiently qualified to retrieve his fortune
in various shapes, long before he could have any idea of want or
difficulty. He thought he should have it in his power, at any time,
to make a prize of a rich heiress, or opulent widow; his ambition had
already aspired to the heart of a young handsome duchess dowager,
to whose acquaintance he had found means to be introduced; or,
should matrimony chance to be unsuitable to his inclinations, he
never doubted, that, by the interest he might acquire among the
nobility, he should be favoured with some lucrative post, that
would amply recompense him for the liberality of his disposition.
There are many young men who entertain the same expectations, with
half the reason he had to be so presumptuous.

In the midst of these chimerical calculations, his passion for
Emilia did not subside; but, on the contrary, began to rage with
such an inflammation of desire, that her idea interfered with every
other reflection, and absolutely disabled him from prosecuting
the other lofty schemes which his imagination had projected. He
therefore laid down the honest resolution of visiting her in all the
splendour of his situation, in order to practise upon her virtue
with all his art and address, to the utmost extent of his affluence
and fortune. Nay, so effectually had his guilty passion absorbed
his principles of honour, conscience, humanity, and regard for the
commodore's last words, that he was base enough to rejoice at the
absence of his friend Godfrey, who, being then with his regiment
in Ireland, could not dive into his purpose, or take measures for
frustrating his vicious design.

Fraught with these heroic sentiments, he determined to set out for
Sussex in his chariot and six, attended by his valet-de-chambre and
two footmen; and as he was now sensible that in his last essay he
had mistaken his cue, he determined to change his battery, and sap
the fortress, by the most submissive, soft, and insinuating behaviour.

On the evening that preceded this proposed expedition, he went
into one of the boxes at the playhouse, as usual, to show himself
to the ladies; and reconnoitring the company through a glass (for
no other reason but because it was fashionable to be purblind),
perceived his mistress very plainly dressed, in one of the seats
above the stage, talking to another young woman of a very homely
appearance. Though his heart beat the alarm with the utmost
impatience at sight of his Emilia, he was for some minutes deterred
from obeying the impulse of his love, by the presence of some ladies
of fashion, who, he feared, would think the worse of him, should
they see him make his compliment in public to a person of her figure.
Nor would the violence of his inclination have so far prevailed
over his pride, as to lead him thither, had he not recollected, that
his quality friends would look upon her as some handsome Abigail,
with whom he had an affair of gallantry, and of consequence give
him credit for the intrigue.

Encouraged by this suggestion, he complied with the dictates
of love, and flew to the place where his charmer sat. His air and
dress were so remarkable, that it was almost impossible he should
have escaped the eyes of a curious observer, especially as he had
chosen a time for coming in, when his entrance could not fail to
attract the notice of the spectators; I mean, when the whole house
was hushed in attention to the performance on the stage. Emilia,
therefore, perceived him at his first approach; she found herself
discovered by the direction of his glass, and, guessing his intention
by his abrupt retreat from the box, summoned all her fortitude to
her aid, and prepared for his reception.  He advanced to her with
an air of eagerness and joy, tempered with modesty and respect, and
expressed his satisfaction at seeing her, with a seeming reverence
of regard. Though she was extremely well pleased at this unexpected
behaviour, she suppressed the emotions of her heart, and answered
his compliments with affected ease and unconcern, such as might
denote the good humour of a person who meets by accident with an
indifferent acquaintance. After having certified himself of her
own good health, he very kindly inquired about her mother and Miss
Sophy, gave her to understand that he had lately been favoured
with a letter from Godfrey; that he had actually intended to set
out next morning on a visit to Mrs.  Gauntlet, which, now that he
was so happy as to meet with her, he would postpone, until he should
have the pleasure of attending her to the country. After having
thanked him for his polite intention, she told him, that her mother
was expected in town in a few days, and that she herself had come
to London some weeks ago, to give attendance upon her aunt, who
had been dangerously ill, but was now pretty well recovered.

Although the conversation of course turned upon general topics,
during the entertainment he took all opportunities of being
particular with his eyes, through which he conveyed a thousand
tender protestations. She saw and inwardly rejoiced at the humility
of his looks; but, far from rewarding it with one approving glance,
she industriously avoided this ocular intercourse, and rather
coquetted with a young gentleman that ogled her from the opposite
box. Peregrine's penetration easily detected her sentiments, and he
was nettled at her dissimulation, which served to confirm him in his
unwarrantable designs upon her person. He persisted in his assiduities
with indefatigable perseverance; when the play was concluded, handed
her and her companion into a hackney-coach, and with difficulty was
permitted to escort them to the house of Emilia's uncle, to whom
our hero was introduced by the young lady, as an intimate friend
of her brother Godfrey.

The old gentleman, who was no stranger to the nature of Peregrine's
connection with his sister's family, prevailed upon him to stay
supper, and seemed particularly well pleased with his conversation
and deportment, which, by the help of his natural sagacity, he
wonderfully adapted to the humour of his entertainer. After supper,
when the ladies were withdrawn, and the citizen called for his
pipe, our sly adventurer followed his example. Though he abhorred
the plant, he smoked with an air of infinite satisfaction, and
expatiated upon the virtues of tobacco, as if he had been deeply
concerned in the Virginia trade. In the progress of the discourse,
he consulted the merchant's disposition; and the national debt
coming upon the carpet, held forth upon the funds like a professed
broker. When the alderman complained of the restrictions and
discouragements of trade, his guest inveighed against exorbitant
duties, with the nature of which he seemed as well acquainted as
any commissioner of the customs; so that the uncle was astonished
at the extent of his knowledge, and expressed his surprise that
a gay young gentleman like him should have found either leisure
or inclination to consider subjects so foreign to the fashionable
amusements of youth.

Pickle laid hold on this opportunity to tell him, that he was
descended from a race of merchants; and that, early in life, he had
made it his business to instruct himself in the different branches
of trade, which he not only studied as his family profession, but
also as the source of all our national riches and power. He then
launched out in praise of commerce, and the promoters thereof;
and, by way of contrast, employed all his ridicule in drawing such
ludicrous pictures of the manners and education of what is called
high life, that the trader's sides were shaken by laughter,
even to the danger of his life; and he looked upon our adventurer
as a miracle of sobriety and good sense. Having thus ingratiated
himself with the uncle, Peregrine took his leave, and next day,
in the forenoon, visited the niece in his chariot, after she had
been admonished by her kinsman to behave with circumspection, and
cautioned against neglecting or discouraging the addresses of such
a valuable admirer.


He prosecutes his Design upon Emilia with great Art and Perseverance.

Our adventurer, having by his hypocrisy obtained free access to his
mistress, began the siege by professing the most sincere contrition
for his former levity, and imploring her forgiveness with such
earnest supplication, that, guarded as she was against his flattering
arts, she began to believe his protestations, which were even
accompanied with tears, and abated a good deal of that severity
and distance she had proposed to maintain during this interview.
She would not, however, favour him with the least acknowledgment
of a mutual passion, because, in the midst of his vows of eternal
constancy and truth, he did not mention one syllable of wedlock,
though he was now entirely master of his own conduct, and this
consideration created a doubt, which fortified her against all his
attacks. Yet, what her discretion would have concealed, was discovered
by her eyes, which, in spite of all her endeavours, breathed
forth complacency and love; for her inclination was flattered by
her own self-sufficiency, which imputed her admirer's silence in
that particular to the hurry and perturbation of his spirits, and
persuaded her that he could not possibly regard her with any other
than honourable intentions.

The insidious lover exulted in the tenderness of her looks,
from which he presaged a complete victory; but, that he might not
overshoot himself by his own precipitation, he would not run the risk
of declaring himself, until her heart should be so far entangled
within his snares, as that neither the suggestions of honour,
prudence, nor pride, should be able to disengage it. Armed with
this resolution, he restrained the impatience of his temper within
the limits of the most delicate deportment. After having solicited
and obtained permission to attend her to the next opera, he took her
by the hand, and, pressing it to his lips, in the most respectful
manner, went away, leaving her in a most whimsical state of suspense,
chequered with an interesting vicissitude of hope and fear.  On
the appointed day, he appeared again about five o'clock in the
afternoon, and found her native charms so much improved by the
advantages of dress, that he was transported with admiration and
delight; and, while he conducted her to the Haymarket, could scarce
bridle the impetuosity of his passion, so as to observe the forbearing
maxims he had adopted. When she entered the pit, he had abundance
of food for the gratification of his vanity; for, in a moment,
she eclipsed all the female part of the audience; each individual
allowing in her own heart that the stranger was by far the handsomest
woman there present, except herself.

Here it was that our hero enjoyed a double triumph; he was vain
of this opportunity to enhance his reputation for gallantry among
the ladies of fashion who knew him, and proud of an occasion to
display his quality acquaintance to Emilia, that she might entertain
the greater idea of the conquest she had made, and pay the more
deference to his importance in the sequel of his addresses. That
he might profit as much as possible by this situation, he went up
and accosted every person in the pit, with whom he ever had least
communication, whispered and laughed with an affected air of
familiarity, and even bowed at a distance to some of the nobility,
on the slender foundation of having stood near them at court, or
presented them with a pinch of rappee at White's chocolate-house.

This ridiculous ostentation, though now practised with a view of
promoting his design, was a weakness that, in some degree, infected
the whole of his behaviour; for nothing gave him so much joy in
conversation, as an opportunity of giving the company to understand
how well he was with persons of distinguished rank and character.
He would often, for example, observe, as it were occasionally, that
the Duke of G-- was one of the best-natured men in the world, and
illustrate this assertion by some instance of his affability, in
which he himself was concerned. Then, by an abrupt transition, he
would repeat some repartee of Lady T--, and mention a certain bon
mot of the Earl of C--, which was uttered in his hearing.

Abundance of young men in this manner make free with the names,
though they have never had access to the persons of the nobility;
but this was not the case with Peregrine, who, in consideration of
his appearance and supposed fortune, together with the advantage of
his introduction, was, by this time, freely admitted to the tables
of the great.

In his return with Emilia from the opera, though he still maintained
the most scrupulous decorum in his behaviour, he plied her with the
most passionate expressions of love, squeezed her hand with great
fervency, protested that his whole soul was engrossed by her idea,
and that he could not exist independent of her favour. Pleased as
she was with his warm and pathetic addresses, together with the
respectful manner of his making love, she yet had prudence and
resolution sufficient to contain her tenderness, which was ready
to run over; being fortified against his arts, by reflecting, that,
if his aim was honourable, it was now his business to declare it.
On this consideration, she refused to make any serious reply to
his earnest expostulations, but affected to receive them as the
undetermined effusions of gallantry and good breeding.

This fictitious gaiety and good-humour, though it baffled his hope
of extorting from her an acknowledgment of which he might have
taken immediate advantage, nevertheless encouraged him to observe,
as the chariot passed along the Strand, that the night was far
advanced; that supper would certainly be over before they could
reach her uncle's house; and to propose that he should wait upon
her to some place, where they might be accommodated with a slight
refreshment.  She was offended at the freedom of this proposal,
which, however, she treated as a joke, thanking him for his courteous
offer, and assuring him, that when she should be disposed for a
tavern treat, he alone would have the honour of bestowing it.

Her kinsman being engaged with company abroad, and her aunt retired
to rest, he had the good fortune to enjoy a tete-a-tete with her
during a whole hour, which he employed with such consummate skill,
that her caution was almost overcome. He not only assailed her with
the artillery of sighs, vows, prayers, and tears, but even pawned
his honour in behalf of his love. He swore, with many imprecations,
that although her heart was surrendered to him at discretion, there
was a principle within him, which would never allow him to injure
such innocence and beauty; and the transports of his passion had,
upon this occasion so far overshot his purpose, that if she had
demanded an explanation while he was thus agitated, he would have
engaged himself to her wish by such ties as he could not break
with any regard to his reputation. But from such expostulation she
was deterred, partly by pride, and partly by the dread of finding
herself mistaken in such an interesting conjecture. She therefore
enjoyed the present flattering appearance of her fate, was prevailed
upon to accept the jewels which he purchased with part of his winning
at Bath, and, with the most enchanting condescension, submitted
to a warm embrace when he took his leave, after having obtained
permission to visit her as often as his inclination and convenience
would permit.

In his return to his own lodgings, he was buoyed up with his success
to an extravagance of hope, already congratulated himself upon his
triumph over Emilia's virtue, and began to project future conquests
among the most dignified characters of the female sex. But his
attention was not at all dissipated by these vain reflections; he
resolved to concentrate the whole exertion of his soul upon the
execution of his present plan, desisted, in the meantime, from all
other schemes of pleasure, interest, and ambition, and took lodgings
in the city, for the more commodious accomplishment of his purpose.
While our lover's imagination was thus agreeably regaled, his
mistress did not enjoy her expectations without the intervention
of doubts and anxiety. His silence, touching the final aim of his
addresses, was a mystery on which she was afraid of exercising
her sagacity; and her uncle tormented her with inquiries into the
circumstances of Peregrine's professions and deportment. Rather
than give this relation the least cause for suspicion, which must
have cut off all intercourse betwixt her and her admirer, she said
everything which she thought would satisfy his care and concern for
her welfare; and, in consequence of such representation, she enjoyed,
without reserve, the company of our adventurer, who prosecuted his
plan with surprising eagerness and perseverance.


He prevails upon Emilia to accompany him to a Masquerade, makes a
treacherous Attempt upon her Affection, and meets with a deserved

Scarce a night elapsed in which he did not conduct her to some
public entertainment. When, by the dint of his insidious carriage, he
thought himself in full possession of her confidence and affection,
he lay in wait for an opportunity; and, hearing her observe
in conversation, that she had never been at a masquerade, begged
leave to attend her to the next ball; at the same time extending
his invitation to the young lady in whose company he had found her
at the play, she being present when this subject of discourse was
introduced. He had flattered himself, that this gentlewoman would
decline the proposal, as she was a person seemingly of a demure
disposition, who had been born and bred in the city, where such
diversions are looked upon as scenes of lewdness and debauchery.
For once, however, he reckoned without his host; curiosity is as
prevalent in the city as at the court end of the town. Emilia no
sooner signified her assent to his proposal, than her friend, with
an air of satisfaction, agreed to make one of the party; and he was
obliged to thank her for that complaisance, which laid him under
infinite mortification. He set his genius at work to invent some
scheme for preventing her unseasonable intrusion. Had an opportunity
offered, he would have acted as her physician, and administered a
medicine that would have laid her under the necessity of staying
at home. But his acquaintance with her being too slight to furnish
him with the means of executing this expedient, he devised another,
which was practised with all imaginable success.  Understanding
that her grandmother had left her a sum of money independent of
her parents, he conveyed a letter to her mother, intimating, that
her daughter, on pretence of going to the masquerade, intended
to bestow herself in marriage to a certain person, and that in a
few days she would be informed of the circumstances of the whole
intrigue, provided she would keep this information secret, and
contrive some excuse for detaining the young lady at home, without
giving her cause to believe she was apprised of her intention. This
billet, subscribed "Your well-wisher, and unknown humble servant,"
had the desired effect upon the careful matron, who, on the ball
day, feigned herself so extremely ill, that Miss could not with
any decency quit her mamma's apartment; and therefore sent her
apology to Emilia in the afternoon, immediately after the arrival
of Peregrine, who pretended to be very much afflicted with the
disappointment, while his heart throbbed with a transport of joy.

About ten o'clock the lovers set out for the Haymarket, he being
dressed in the habit of Pantaloon, and she in that of Columbine;
and they had scarce entered the house when the music struck up,
the curtain was withdrawn, and the whole scene displayed at once,
to the admiration of Emilia, whose expectation was infinitely
surpassed by this exhibition. Our gallant having conducted her
through all the different apartments, and described the economy of
the place, led her into the circle, and, in their turn, they danced
several minuets; then going to the sideboard, he prevailed upon
her to eat some sweetmeats and drink a glass of champagne. After
a second review of the company, they engaged in country dances, at
which exercise they continued until our adventurer concluded that
his partner's blood was sufficiently warm for the prosecution of
his design. On this supposition, which was built upon her declaring
that she was thirsty and fatigued, he persuaded her to take a
little refreshment and repose; and, for that purpose, handed her
downstairs into the eating-room, where, having seated her on the
floor, he presented her with a glass of wine and water; and, as she
complained of being faint, enriched the draught with some drops
of a certain elixir, which he recommended as a most excellent
restorative, though it was no other than a stimulating tincture,
which he had treacherously provided for the occasion. Having swallowed
this potion, by which her spirits were manifestly exhilarated, she
ate a slice of ham, with the wing of a cold pullet, and concluded
the meal with a glass of burgundy, which she drank at the earnest
entreaty of her admirer.  These extraordinary cordials co-operating
with the ferment of her blood, which was heated by violent motion,
could not fail to affect the constitution of a delicate young
creature, who was naturally sprightly and volatile. Her eyes began
to sparkle with unusual fire and vivacity, a thousand brilliant
sallies of wit escaped her, and every mask that accosted her
underwent some smarting repartee.

Peregrine, overjoyed at the success of his administration, proposed
that they should resume their places at the country dances, with
a view to promote and assist the efficacy of his elixir; and, when
he thought her disposition was properly adapted for the theme, began
to ply her with all the elocution of love. In order to elevate his
own spirits to that pitch of resolution which his scheme required,
he drank two whole bottles of burgundy, which inflamed his passion
to such a degree, that he found himself capable of undertaking and
perpetrating any scheme for the gratification of his desire.

Emilia, warmed by so many concurring incentives, in favour of the
man she loved, abated considerably of her wonted reserve, listened
to his protestations with undissembled pleasure, and, in the
confidence of her satisfaction, even owned him absolute master
of her affections. Ravished with this confession, he now deemed
himself on the brink of reaping the delicious fruits of his art
and assiduity; and the morning being already pretty far advanced,
assented with rapture to the first proposal she made of retiring
to her lodgings. The blinds of the chariot being pulled up, he
took advantage of the favourable situation of her thoughts; and,
on pretence of being whimsical, in consequence of the wine he had
swallowed, clasped her in his arms, and imprinted a thousand kisses
on her pouting lips, a freedom which she pardoned as the privilege
of intoxication. While he thus indulged himself with impunity, the
carriage halted, and Pipes opening the door, his master handed her
into the passage, before she perceived that it was not her uncle's
house at which they had alighted.

Alarmed at this discovery, she, with some confusion, desired
to know his reason for conducting her to a strange place at these
hours. But he made no reply, until he had led her into an apartment,
when he gave her to understand, that, as her uncle's family must
be disturbed by her going thither so late in the night, and the
streets near Temple-bar were infested by a multitude of robbers and
cut-throats, he had ordered his coachman to halt at this house, which
was kept by a relation of his, a mighty good sort of a gentlewoman,
who would be proud of an opportunity to accommodate a person for
whom he was known to entertain such tenderness and esteem.

Emilia had too much penetration to be imposed upon by this plausible
pretext. In spite of her partiality for Peregrine, which had never
been inflamed to such a pitch of complacency before, she comprehended
his whole plan in a twinkling. Though her blood boiled with
indignation, she thanked him with an affected air of serenity for
his kind concern, and expressed her obligation to his cousin; but,
at the same time, insisted upon going home, lest her absence should
terrify her uncle and aunt, who, she knew, would not retire to rest
till her return.

He urged her, with a thousand remonstrances, to consult her own
ease and safety, promising to send Pipes into the city, for the
satisfaction of her relations. But, finding her obstinately deaf
to his entreaties, he assured her, that he would, in a few minutes,
comply with her request; and, in the meantime, begged she would
fortify herself against the cold with a cordial, which he poured
out in her presence, and which, now that her suspicion was aroused,
she refused to taste, notwithstanding all his importunities. He then
fell on his knees before her, and the tears gushing from his eyes,
swore that his passion was wound up to such a pitch of impatience, that
he could no longer live upon the unsubstantial food of expectation;
and that, if she would not vouchsafe to crown his happiness, he
would forthwith sacrifice himself to her disdain. Such an abrupt
address, accompanied with all the symptoms of frantic agitation,
could not fail to perplex and affright the gentle Emilia, who,
after some recollection, replied with a resolute tone, that she
could not see what reason he had to complain of her reserve, which
she was not at liberty to lay entirely aside, until he should have
avowed his intentions in form, and obtained the sanction of those
whom it was her duty to obey. "Divine creature!" cried he, seizing
her hand, and pressing it to his lips, "it is from you alone I hope
for that condescension, which would overwhelm me with the transports
of celestial bliss. The sentiments of parents are sordid, silly,
and confined. I mean not then to subject my passion to such low
restrictions as were calculated for the purposes of common life.
My love is too delicate and refined to wear those vulgar fetters,
which serve only to destroy the merit of voluntary affection, and
to upbraid a man incessantly with the articles of compulsion, under
which he lies. My dear angel! spare me the mortification of being
compelled to love you, and reign sole empress of my heart and
fortune. I will not affront you so much as to talk of settlements;
my all is at your disposal. In this pocket-book are notes to
the amount of two thousand pounds; do me the pleasure to accept
of them; to-morrow I will lay ten thousand more in your lap. In a
word, you shall be mistress of my whole estate, and I shall
think myself happy in living dependent on your bounty! "

Heavens! what were the emotions of the virtuous, the sensible, the
delicate, the tender Emilia's heart, when she heard this insolent
declaration from the mouth of a man whom she had honoured with her
affection and esteem! It was not simply horror, grief, or indignation,
that she felt, in consequence of this unworthy treatment, but the
united pangs of all together, which produced a sort of hysteric
laughter, while she told him that she could not help admiring his

Deceived by this convulsion, and the ironical compliment that
attended it, the lover thought he had already made great progress
in his operations, and that it was now his business to storm the
fort by a vigorous assault, that he might spare her the confusion
of yielding without resistance. Possessed by this vain suggestion,
he started up, and, folding her in his arms, began to obey the
furious dictates of his unruly and ungenerous desire. With an air
of cool determination, she demanded a parley; and when, upon her
repeated request, he granted it, addressed herself to him in these
words, while her eyes gleamed with all the dignity of the most
awful resentment:--

"Sir, I scorn to upbraid you with a repetition of your former vows
and protestations, nor will I recapitulate the little arts you have
practised to ensnare my heart; because, though by dint of the most
perfidious dissimulation you have found means to deceive my opinion,
your utmost efforts have never been able to lull the vigilance of
my conduct, or to engage my affection beyond the power of discarding you
without a tear, whenever my honour should demand such a sacrifice.
Sir, you are unworthy of my concern or regret, and the sigh that
now struggles from my breast is the result of sorrow, for my own
want of discernment. As for your present attempt upon my chastity,
I despise your power, as I detest your intention. Though, under
the mask of the most delicate respect, you have decoyed me from
the immediate protection of my friends, and contrived other impious
stratagems to ruin my peace and reputation, I confide too much in my
own innocence, and the authority of the law, to admit one thought
of fear, much less to sink under the horror of this shocking
situation, into which I have been seduced. Sir, your behaviour
on this occasion is, in all respects, low and contemptible. For,
ruffian as you are, you durst not harbour the thought of executing
your execrable scheme, while you knew my brother was near enough
to prevent or revenge the insult; so that you must not only be a
treacherous villain, but also a most despicable coward."

Having expressed herself in this manner, with a most majestic
severity of aspect, she opened the door, and walking down-stairs
with surprising resolution, committed herself to the care of a
watchman, who accommodated her with a hackney-chair, in which she
was safely conveyed to her uncle's house.

Meanwhile, the lover was so confounded and overawed by these cutting
reproaches, and her animated behaviour, that all his resolution
forsook him, and he found himself not only incapable of obstructing
her retreat, but even of uttering one syllable to deprecate her
wrath, or extenuate the guilt of his own conduct. The nature of
his disappointment, and the keen remorse that seized him, when he
reflected upon the dishonourable footing on which his character
stood with Emilia, raised such perturbation in his mind, that his
silence was succeeded by a violent fit of distraction, during which
he raved like a bedlamite, and acted a thousand extravagancies,
which convinced the people of the house, a certain bagnio, that
he had actually lost his wits. Pipes, with great concern, adopted
the same opinion; and, being assisted by the waiters, hindered him,
by main force, from running out and pursuing the fair fugitive,
whom, in his delirium, he alternately cursed and commended with
horrid imprecations and lavish applause. His faithful valet, having
waited two whole hours, in hopes of seeing this gust of passion
overblown, and perceiving that the paroxysm seemed rather to increase,
very prudently sent for a physician of his master's acquaintance,
who, having considered the circumstances and symptoms of the
disorder, directed that he should be plentifully blooded, without
loss of time, and prescribed a draught to compose the tumult of
his spirits.  These orders being punctually performed, he grew more
calm and tractable, recovered his reflection so far as to be ashamed
of the ecstasy he had undergone, and suffered himself quietly to
be undressed and put to bed, where the fatigue occasioned by his
exercise at the masquerade co-operated with the present dissipation
of his spirits to lull him into a profound sleep, which greatly
tended to the preservation of his intellects. Not that he found
himself in a state of perfect tranquility when he waked about
noon.  The remembrance of what had passed overwhelmed him with
mortification. Emilia's invectives still sounded in his ears. And,
while he deeply resented her disdain, he could not help admiring
her spirit, and his heart did homage to her charms.


He endeavours to Reconcile himself to his Mistress, and Expostulates
with the Uncle, who forbids him the House.

In this state of division, he went home to his own lodgings in
a chair; and while he deliberated with himself whether he should
relinquish the pursuit, and endeavour to banish her idea from his
breast, or go immediately and humble himself before his exasperated
mistress, and offer his hand as an atonement for his crime, his
servant put in his hand a packet, which had been delivered by a ticket
porter at the door. He no sooner perceived that the superscription
was in Emilia's handwriting, than he guessed the nature of the
contents; and, opening the seal with disordered eagerness, found
the jewels he had given to her enclosed in a billet, couched in
these words:--

     "That I may have no cause to reproach myself with having
     retained the least memorial of a wretch whom I equally
     despise and abhor, I take this opportunity of restoring
     these ineffectual instruments of his infamous design upon
     the honour of                           "Emilia."

His chagrin was so much galled and inflamed at the bitterness
of this contemptuous message, that he gnawed his fingers till the
blood ran over his nails, and even wept with vexation. Sometimes
he vowed revenge against her haughty virtue, and reviled himself
for his precipitate declaration, before his scheme was brought to
maturity; then he would consider her behaviour with reverence and
regard, and bow before the irresistible power of her attractions.
In short, his breast was torn by conflicting passions: love, shame,
and remorse, contended with vanity, ambition, and revenge; and the
superiority was still doubtful when headstrong desire interposed,
and decided in favour of an attempt towards a reconciliation with
the offended fair.

Impelled by this motive, he set out in the afternoon for the house
of her uncle, not without hopes of that tender enjoyment, which
never fails to attend an accommodation betwixt two lovers of taste
and sensibility. Though the consciousness of his trespass encumbered
him with an air of awkward confusion, he was too confident of his
own qualifications and address to despair of forgiveness; and, by
that time he arrived at the citizen's gate, he had conned a very
artful and pathetic harangue, which he proposed to utter in his
own behalf, laying the blame of his conduct on the impetuosity of
his passion, increased by the burgundy which he had too liberally
drunk; but he did not meet with an opportunity to avail himself of
this preparation. Emilia, suspecting that he would take some step
of this kind to retrieve her favour, had gone abroad on pretence
of visiting, after having signified to her kinsman her resolution
to avoid the company of Peregrine, on account of some ambiguities
which, she said, were last night remarkable in his demeanour at the
masquerade. She chose to insinuate her suspicion in these hints,
rather than give an explicit detail of the young man's dishonourable
contrivance, which might have kindled the resentment of the family
to some dangerous pitch of animosity and revenge.

Our adventurer, finding himself baffled in his expectation of seeing
her, inquired for the old gentleman, with whom he thought he had
influence enough to make his apology good, in case he should find
him prepossessed by the young lady's information. But here too he
was disappointed, the uncle having gone to dine in the country, and
his wife was indisposed; so that he had no pretext for staying in
the house till the return of his charmer. Being, however, fruitful
of expedients, he dismissed his chariot, and took possession of a
room in a tavern, the windows of which fronted the merchant's gate;
and there he proposed to watch until he should see her approach.
This scheme he put in practice with indefatigable patience, though
it was not attended with the expected success.

Emilia, whose caution was equally vigilant and commendable, foreseeing
that she might be exposed to the fertility of his invention, came
home by a private passage, and entered by a postern, which was
altogether unknown to her admirer; and her uncle did not arrive
until it was so late that he could not, with any decency, demand
a conference.

Next morning, he did not fail to present himself at the door, and
his mistress being denied by her own express direction, insisted
upon seeing the master of the house, who received him with such
coldness of civility, as plainly gave him to understand that he was
acquainted with the displeasure of his niece. He, therefore, with
an air of candour, told the citizen, he could easily perceive by
his behaviour that he was the confidant of Miss Emily, of whom he
was come to ask pardon for the offence he had given; and did not
doubt, if he could be admitted to her presence, that he should be
able to convince her that he had not erred intentionally, or at
least propose such reparation as would effectually atone for his

To this remonstrance the merchant, without any ceremony or circumlocution,
answered, that though he was ignorant of the nature of his offence,
he was very certain, that it must have been something very flagrant
that could irritate his niece to such a degree, against a person
for whom she had formerly a most particular regard. He owned, she
had declared her intention to renounce his acquaintance for ever,
and, doubtless, she had good reason for so doing; neither would
he undertake to promote an accommodation, unless he would give him
full power to treat on the score of matrimony, which he supposed
would be the only means of evincing his own sincerity, and obtaining
Emilia's forgiveness. Peregrine's pride was kindled by this blunt
declaration, which he could not help considering as the result of
a scheme concerted betwixt the young lady and her uncle, in order
to take advantage of his heat. He therefore replied, with manifest
signs of disgust, that he did not apprehend there was any occasion
for a mediator to reconcile the difference betwixt Emilia and him;
and that all he desired was an opportunity of pleading in his own
behalf. The citizen frankly told him, that, as his niece had expressed
an earnest desire of avoiding his company, he would not put the
least constraint upon her inclination; and, in the meantime, gave
him to know, that he was particularly engaged. Our hero, glowing
with indignation at this supercilious treatment, "I was in the
wrong," said he, "to look for good manners so far on this side
of Temple-bar; but you must give me leave to tell you, sir, that
unless I am favoured with an interview with Miss Gauntlet, I shall
conclude that you have actually laid a constraint upon her inclination,
for some sinister purposes of your own."--"Sir," replied the old
gentleman, "you are welcome to make what conclusions shall seem
good unto your own imagination; but pray be so good as to allow me
the privilege of being master in my own house." So saying, he very
complaisantly showed him to the door; and our lover being diffident
of his own temper, as well as afraid of being used with greater
indignity, in a place where his personal prowess would only serve
to heighten his disgrace, quitted the house in a transport of rage,
which he could not wholly suppress, telling the landlord, that if
his age did not protect him, he would have chastised him for his
insolent behaviour.


He projects a violent Scheme, in consequence of which he is involved
in a most fatiguing Adventure, which greatly tends towards the
Augmentation of his Chagrin.

Thus debarred of personal communication with his mistress, he essayed
to retrieve her good graces by the most submissive and pathetic
letters, which he conveyed by divers artifices to her perusal; but,
reaping no manner of benefit from these endeavours, his passion
acquired a degree of impatience little inferior to downright
frenzy; and he determined to run every risk of life, fortune, and
reputation, rather than desist from his unjustifiable pursuit.
Indeed, his resentment was now as deeply concerned as his love,
and each of these passions equally turbulent and loud in demanding
gratification. He kept sentinels continually in pay, to give him
notice of her outgoings, in expectation of finding some opportunity
to carry her off; but her circumspection entirely frustrated this
design, for she suspected everything of that sort from a disposition
like his, and regulated her motions accordingly.

Baffled by her prudence and penetration, he altered his plan.
On pretence of being called to his country house by some affair
of importance, he departed from London, and, taking lodgings at a
farmer's house that stood near the road through which she must have
necessarily passed in her return to her mother, concealed himself
from all intercourse, except with his valet-de-chambre and Pipes,
who had orders to scour the country, and reconnoitre every horse,
coach, or carriage, that should appear on that highway, with a view
of intercepting his Emilia in her passage.

He had waited in this ambuscade a whole week, when his valet gave
him notice, that he and his fellow-scout had discovered a chaise-and-six,
driving at full speed towards them; upon which they had flapped
their hats over their eyes, so as they might not be known, in case
they should be seen, and concealed themselves behind a hedge, from
whence they could perceive in the carriage, as it passed, a young
man plainly dressed, with a lady in a mask, of the exact size,
shape, and air of Emilia; and that Pipes followed them at a distance,
while he rode back to communicate this piece of intelligence.

Peregrine would scarce allow him time to conclude his information.
He ran down to the stable, where his horse was kept ready saddled
for the purpose, and, never doubting that the lady in question
was his mistress, attended by one of her uncle's clerks, mounted
immediately, and rode full gallop after the chaise, which, when
he had proceeded about two miles, he understood from Pipes, had
put up at a neighbouring inn. Though his inclination prompted him
to enter her apartment without further delay, he suffered himself
to be dissuaded from taking such a precipitate step, by his privy
counsellor, who observed, that it would be impracticable to execute
his purpose of conveying her against her will from a public inn,
that stood in the midst of a populous village, which would infallibly
rise in her defence. He advised him therefore to be in wait for
the chaise, in some remote and private part of the road, where
they might accomplish their aim without difficulty or danger.  In
consequence of this admonition our adventurer ordered Pipes to
reconnoitre the inn, that she might not escape another way, while
he and the valet, in order to avoid being seen, took a circuit by
an unfrequented path, and placed themselves in ambush, on a spot
which they chose for the scene of their achievement. Here they
tarried a full hour, without seeing the carriage, or hearing from
their sentinel. So that the youth, unable to exert his patience
one moment longer, left the foreigner in his station, and rode back
to his faithful lacquey, who assured him, that the travellers had
not yet hove up their anchor, or proceeded on their voyage.

Notwithstanding this information, Pickle began to entertain such
alarming suspicions, that he could not refrain from advancing to
the gate, and inquire for the company which had lately arrived in
a chaise-and-six. The innkeeper, who was not at all pleased with
the behaviour of those passengers, did not think proper to observe
the instructions he had received: on the contrary, he plainly told
him, that the chaise did not halt, but only entered at one door,
and went out at the other, with a view to deceive those who pursued
it, as he guessed from the words of the gentleman, who had earnestly
desired that his route might be concealed from any person who
should inquire about their motions. "As for my own peart, measter,"
continued this charitable publican, "I believes as how they are no
better than they should be, else they wouldn't be in such a deadly
fear of being overtaken. Methinks, said I, when I saw them in such
a woundy pother to be gone, oddsheartlikins! this must be some
London 'prentice running away with his measter's daughter, as sure
as I'm a living soul. But, be he who he will, sartain it is, a has
nothing of the gentleman about en; for, thof a asked such a favour,
a never once put hand in pocket, or said, 'Dog, will you drink?'
Howsomever, that don't argufy in reverence of his being in a
hurry; and a man may be sometimes a little too judgmatical in his
conjectures." In all probability, this loquacious landlord would
have served the travellers effectually, had Peregrine heard him to
an end; but this impetuous youth, far from listening to the sequel
of his observations, interrupted him in the beginning of his career,
by asking eagerly which road they followed; and, having received
the innkeeper's directions, clapped spurs to his horse, commanding
Pipes to make the valet acquainted with the course, that they might
attend him with all imaginable despatch.

By the publican's account of their conduct, his former opinion was
fully confirmed. He plied his steed to the height of his mettle;
and so much was his imagination engrossed by the prospect of having
Emilia in his power, that he did not perceive the road on which he
travelled was quite different from that which led to the habitation
of Mrs. Gauntlet. The valet-de-chambre was an utter stranger to
that part of the country; and, as for Mr. Pipes, such considerations
were altogether foreign to the economy of his reflection.

Ten long miles had our hero rode, when his eyes were blessed with
the sight of the chaise ascending an hill, at the distance of a
good league; upon which he doubled his diligence in such a manner,
that he gained upon the carriage every minute, and at length
approached so near to it, that he could discern the lady and her
conductor, with their heads thrust out at the windows, looking
back, and speaking to the driver alternately, as if they earnestly
besought him to augment the speed of his cattle.

Being thus, as it were, in sight of port, while he crossed the road,
his horse happened to plunge into a cart-rut with such violence,
that he was thrown several yards over his head; and, the beast's
shoulder being slipped by the fall, he found himself disabled
from plucking the fruit, which was almost within his reach; for he
had left his servants at a considerable distance behind him; and
although they had been at his back, and supplied him with another
horse, they were so indifferently mounted, that he could not
reasonably expect to overtake the flyers, who profited so much by
this disaster that the chaise vanished in a moment.

It may be easily conceived how a young man of his disposition passed
his time, in this tantalizing situation. He ejaculated with great
fervency; but his prayers were not the effects of resignation.
He ran back on foot, with incredible speed, in order to meet his
valet, whom he unhorsed in a twinkling, and, taking his seat, began
to exercise his whip and spurs, after having ordered the Swiss to
follow him on the other gelding, and committed the lame hunter to
the care of Pipes.

Matters being adjusted in this manner, our adventurer prosecuted
the race with all his might; and, having made some progress,
was informed by a countryman, that the chaise had struck off into
another road, and, according to his judgment, was by that time
about three miles ahead; though, in all probability, the horses
would not be able to hold out much longer, because they seemed
to be quite spent when they passed his door. Encouraged by this
intimation, Peregrine pushed on with great alacrity, though he
could not regain sight of the desired object, till the clouds of
night began to deepen, and even then he enjoyed nothing more than
a transient glimpse; for the carriage was no sooner seen, than
shrouded again from his view. These vexatious circumstances animated
his endeavours, while they irritated his chagrin. In short, he
continued his pursuit, till the night was far advanced, and himself so
uncertain about the object of his care, that he entered a solitary
inn, with a view of obtaining some intelligence, when, to his
infinite joy, he perceived the chaise standing by itself, and the
horses panting in the yard.

In full confidence of his having arrived at last at the goal of
all his wishes, he alighted instantaneously, and, running up to the
coachman, with a pistol in his hand, commanded him, in an imperious
tone, to conduct him to the lady's chamber, on pain of death. The
driver, affrighted at this menacing address, protested, with great
humility, that he did not know whither his fare had retired; for
that he himself was paid and dismissed from the service, because
he would not undertake to drive them all night across the country
without stopping to refresh his horses. But he promised to go in
quest of the waiter, who would show him to their apartment. He was
accordingly detached on that errand, while our hero stood sentinel
at the gate, till the arrival of his valet-de-chambre, who, joining
him by accident, before the coachman returned, relieved him in his
watch; and then the young gentleman, exasperated at his messenger's
delay, rushed, with fury in his eyes, from room to room, denouncing
vengeance upon the whole family; but he did not meet with one living
soul, until he entered the garret, where he found the landlord
and his wife in bed. This chicken-hearted couple, by the light of
a rush candle that burned on the hearth, seeing a stranger burst
into the chamber, in such a terrible attitude, were seized with
consternation; and, exalting their voices, in a most lamentable
strain, begged, for the passion of Christ, that he would spare
their lives, and take all they had.

Peregrine guessing, from this exclamation, and the circumstance
of their being abed, that they mistook him for a robber, and were
ignorant of that which he wanted to know, dispelled their terror,
by making them acquainted with the cause of his visit, and desired
the husband to get up with all possible despatch, in order to assist
and attend him in his search.

Thus reinforced, he rummaged every corner of the inn, and at last,
finding the hostler in the stable, was by him informed, to his
unspeakable mortification, that the gentleman and lady who arrived
in the chaise, had immediately hired post-horses for a certain
village at the distance of fifteen miles, and departed without
halting for the least refreshment. Our adventurer, mad with his
disappointment, mounted his horse in an instant, and, with his
attendant, took the same road, with full determination to die,
rather than desist from the prosecution of his design. He had,
by this time, rode upwards of thirty miles, since three o'clock
in the afternoon; so that the horses were almost quite jaded, and
travelled this stage so slowly, that it was morning before they
reached the place of their destination, where, far from finding
the fugitives, he understood that no such persons as he described
had passed that way, and that, in all likelihood, they had taken
a quite contrary direction, while in order to mislead him in
his pursuit, they had amused the hostler with a false route. This
conjecture was strengthened by his perceiving, now for the first
time, that he had deviated a considerable way from the road,
through which they must have journeyed, in order to arrive at the
place of her mother's residence; and these suggestions utterly
deprived him of the small remains of recollection which he had hitherto
retained. His eyes rolled about, witnessing rage and distraction;
he foamed at the mouth, stamped upon the ground with great violence,
uttered incoherent imprecations against himself and all mankind,
and would have sallied forth again, he knew not whither, upon the
same horse, which he had already almost killed with fatigue, had
not his confidant found means to quiet the tumult of his thoughts,
and recall his reflection, by representing the condition of the
poor animals, and advising him to hire fresh horses, and ride post
across the country, to the village in the neighbourhood of Mrs.
Gauntlet's habitation, where they should infallibly intercept the
daughter, provided they could get the start of her upon the road.

Peregrine not only relished, but forthwith acted in conformity with
this good counsel. His own horses were committed to the charge of
the landlord, with directions for Pipes, in case he should come in
quest of his master: and, a couple of stout geldings being prepared,
he and his valet took the road again, steering their course according
to the motions of the post-boy, who undertook to be their guide.
They had almost finished the first stage, when they descried a
post-chaise just halting at the inn where they proposed to change
horses; upon which our adventurer, glowing with a most interesting
presage, put his beast to the full speed, and approached near enough
to distinguish, as the travellers quitted the carriage, that he
had at last come up with the very individual persons whom he had
pursued so long.

Flushed with this discovery, he galloped into the yard so suddenly,
that the lady and her conductor scarce had time to shut themselves
up in a chamber, to which they retreated with great precipitation;
so that the pursuer was now certain of having housed his prey. That
he might, however, leave nothing to fortune, he placed himself upon
the stair by which they had ascended to the apartment, and sent
up his compliments to the young lady, desiring the favour of being
admitted to her presence, otherwise he should be obliged to waive
all ceremony, and take that liberty which she would not give. The
servant, having conveyed his message through the keyhole, returned
with an answer, importing that she would adhere to the resolution
she had taken, and perish, rather than comply with his will. Our
adventurer, without staying to make any rejoinder to this reply,
ran upstairs, and, thundering at the door for entrance, was given
to understand by the nymph's attendant, that a blunderbuss was
ready primed for his reception, and that he would do well to spare
him the necessity of shedding blood in defence of a person who had
put herself under his protection. "All the laws of the land," said
he, "cannot now untie the knots by which we are bound together;
and therefore I will guard her as my own property; so that you
had better desist from your fruitless attempt, and thereby consult
your own safety; for, by the God that made me! I will discharge my
piece upon you, as soon as you set your nose within the door; and
your blood be upon your own head."

These menaces, from a citizen's clerk, would have been sufficient
motives for Pickle to storm the breach, although they had not been
reinforced by that declaration, which informed him of Emilia's
having bestowed herself in marriage upon such a contemptible rival.
This sole consideration added wings to his impetuosity, and he
applied his foot to the door with such irresistible force, as burst
it open in an instant, entering at the same time with a pistol
ready cocked in his hand. His antagonist, instead of firing his
blunderbuss, when he saw him approach, started back with evident
signs of surprise and consternation, exclaiming, "Lord Jesus! Sir,
you are not the man! and, without doubt, are under some mistake with
regard to us." Before Peregrine had time to answer this salutation,
the lady, hearing it, advanced to him, and, pulling off a mask,
discovered a face which he had never seen before. The Gorgon's head,
according to the fables of antiquity, never had a more instantaneous
or petrifying effect, than that which this countenance produced
upon the astonished youth. His eyes were fixed upon this unknown
object, as if they had been attracted by the power of enchantment,
his feet seemed riveted to the ground, and, after having stood
motionless for the space of a few minutes, he dropped down in an
apoplexy of disappointment and despair. The Swiss, who had followed
him, seeing his master in this condition, lifted him up, and,
laying him upon a bed in the next room, let him blood immediately,
without hesitation, being always provided with a case of lancets,
against all accidents on the road. To this foresight our hero, in all
probability, was indebted for his life. By virtue of a very copious
evacuation, he recovered the use of his senses; but the complication
of fatigues and violent transports, which he had undergone, brewed
up a dangerous fever in his blood; and, a physician being called
from the next market-town, several days elapsed before he would
answer for his life.


Peregrine sends a Message to Mrs. Gauntlet, who rejects his
Proposal--He repairs to the Garrison.

At length, however, his constitution overcame his disease, though
not before it had in a great measure tamed the fury of his disposition,
and brought him to a serious consideration of his conduct. In this
humiliation of his spirits, he reflected with shame and remorse
upon his treachery to the fair, the innocent Emilia; he remembered
his former sentiments in her favour, as well as the injunctions
of his dying uncle; he recollected his intimacy with her brother,
against which he had so basely sinned; and, revolving all the
circumstances of her conduct, found it so commendable, spirited, and
noble, that he deemed her an object of sufficient dignity to merit
his honourable addresses, even though his duty had not been concerned
in this decision. But, obligated as he was to make reparation to a
worthy family, which he had so grossly injured, he thought he could
not manifest his reformation too soon; and, whenever he found himself
able to hold a pen, wrote a letter to Mrs.  Gauntlet, wherein he
acknowledged, with many expressions of sorrow and contrition, that
he had acted a part altogether unbecoming a man of honour, and
should never enjoy the least tranquility of mind, until he should
have merited her forgiveness. He protested, that, although his
happiness entirely depended upon the determination of Emilia, he
would even renounce all hope of being blessed with her favour, if
she could point out any other method of making reparation to that
amiable young lady, but by laying his heart and fortune at her
feet, and submitting himself to her pleasure during the remaining
part of his life. He conjured her, therefore, in the most pathetic
manner, to pardon him, in consideration of his sincere repentance,
and to use her maternal influence with her daughter, so as that he
might be permitted to wait upon her with a wedding ring, as soon
as his health would allow him to undertake the journey.

This explanation being despatched by Pipes, who had, by this time,
found his master, the young gentleman inquired about the couple
whom he had so unfortunately pursued, and understood from his
valet-de-chambre, who learned the story from their own mouths, that
the lady was the only daughter of a rich Jew, and her attendant no
other than his apprentice, who had converted her to Christianity,
and married her at the same time; that this secret having taken
air, the old Israelite had contrived a scheme to separate them for
ever; and they being apprised of his intention, had found means
to elope from his house, with a view of sheltering themselves in
France, until the affair could be made up; that, seeing three men
ride after them with such eagerness, they never doubted that the
pursuers were her father, and some friends, or domestics, and on
that supposition had fled with the utmost despatch and trepidation,
until they had found themselves happily undeceived, at that very
instant when they expected nothing but mischief and misfortune.
Lastly, the Swiss gave him to understand, that, after having
professed some concern for his deplorable situation, and enjoyed a
slight refreshment, they had taken their departure for Dover, and,
in all likelihood, were safely arrived at Paris.

In four-and-twenty hours after Pipes was charged with his commission,
he brought back an answer from the mother of Emilia, couched in
these words:--

     Sir,--I received the favour of yours, and am glad, for your
     own sake, that you have attained a due sense and conviction
     of your unkind and unchristian behaviour to poor Emy. I thank
     God, none of my children were ever so insulted before. Give
     me leave to tell you, sir, my daughter was no upstart, without
     friends or education, but a young lady, as well bred, and
     better born, than most private gentlewomen in the kingdom;
     and therefore, though you had no esteem for her person, you
     ought to have paid some regard to her family, which, no
     disparagement to you, sir, is more honourable than your own.
     As for your proposal, Miss Gauntlet will not hear of it,
     being that she thinks her honour will not allow her to listen
     to any terms of reconciliation; and she is not yet so
     destitute as to embrace an offer to which she has the least
     objection. In the meantime, she is so much indisposed, that
     she cannot possibly see company; so I beg you will not take
     the trouble of making a fruitless journey to this place.
     Perhaps your future conduct may deserve her forgiveness,
     and really, as I am concerned for your happiness, which you
     assure me depends upon her condescension, I wish with all my
     heart it may; and am, notwithstanding all that has happened,
     your sincere well-wisher.             "Cecilia Gauntlet."

From this epistle, and the information of his messenger, our hero
learned, that his mistress had actually profited by his wild-goose
chase, so as to make a safe retreat to her mother's house. Though
sorry to hear of her indisposition, he was also piqued at her
implacability, as well as at some stately paragraphs of the letter,
in which, he thought, the good lady had consulted her own vanity,
rather than her good sense. These motives of resentment helped him
to bear his disappointment like a philosopher, especially as he had
now quieted his conscience, in proffering to redress the injury he
had done; and, moreover, found himself, with regard to his love,
in a calm state of hope and resignation.

A seasonable fit of illness is an excellent medicine for the
turbulence of passion. Such a reformation had the fever produced
on the economy of his thoughts, that he moralized like an apostle,
and projected several prudential schemes for his future conduct. In
the meantime, as soon as his health was sufficiently re-established,
he took a trip to the garrison, in order to visit his friends;
and learned from Hatchway's own mouth, that he had broke the ice
of courtship to his aunt, and that his addresses were now fairly
afloat; though, when he first declared himself to the widow, after
she had been duly prepared for the occasion, by her niece and the
rest of her friends, she had received his proposal with a becoming
reserve, and piously wept at the remembrance of her husband,
observing, that she should never meet with his fellow.

Peregrine promoted the lieutenant's suit with all his influence,
and all Mrs. Trunnion's objections to the match being surmounted,
it was determined, that the day of marriage should be put off for
three months, that her reputation might not suffer by a precipitate
engagement. His next care was to give orders for erecting a plain
marble monument to the memory of his uncle, on which the following
inscription, composed by the bridegroom, actually appeared in golden

                     Here lies,
             Foundered in a fathom and half,
                     The shell
                 HAWSER TRUNNION, Esq.
            Formerly commander of a squadron
               In his Majesty's service,
          Who broached to, at five P.M. Oct. 10,
      In the year of his age threescore and nineteen.

            He kept his guns always loaded,
             And his tackle ready mann'd,
        And never showed his poop to the enemy,
            Except when he took her in tow;
    But, His shot being expended, His match burnt out,
             And his upper works decayed,
    He was sunk by Death's superior weight of metal.

       He will be weighed again at the Great Day,
      His rigging refitted, And his timbers repaired;
                And, with one broadside,
          Make his adversary strike in his turn.


He returns to London, and meets with Cadwallader, who entertains
him with many curious Particulars--Crabtree sounds the Duchess,
and undeceives Pickle, who, by an extraordinary Accident, becomes
acquainted with another Lady of Quality.

The young gentleman having performed these last offices in honour
of his deceased benefactor, and presented Mr. Jolter to the
long-expected living, which at this time happened to be vacant,
returned to London, and resumed his former gaiety: not that he was
able to shake Emilia from his thought, or even to remember her
without violent emotions; for, as he recovered his vigour, his
former impatience recurred, and therefore he resolved to plunge
himself headlong into some intrigue, that might engage his passions
and amuse his imagination.

A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with a variety of
subjects on which his gallantry would have been properly exercised;
and this abundance distracted his choice, which at any time was
apt to be influenced by caprice and whim. I have already observed,
that he had lifted his view, through a matrimonial perspective, as
high as a lady of the first quality and distinction: and now, that
he was refused by Miss Gauntlet, and enjoyed a little respite from
the agonies of that flame which her charms had kindled in his heart,
he renewed his assiduities to her grace. Though he durst not yet
risk an explanation, he enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself
so well received in quality of a particular acquaintance, that he
flattered himself with the belief of his having made some progress
in her heart; and was confirmed in this conceited notion by the
assurances of her woman, whom, by liberal largesses, he retained in
his interest, because she found means to persuade him that she was
in the confidence of her lady. But, notwithstanding this encouragement,
and the sanguine suggestions of his own vanity, he dreaded the
thoughts of exposing himself to her ridicule and resentment by a
premature declaration. and determined to postpone his addresses,
until he should be more certified of the probability of succeeding
in his attempt.

While he remained in this hesitation and suspense, he was one
morning very agreeably surprised with the appearance of his friend
Crabtree, who, by the permission of Pipes, to whom he was well
known, entered his chamber before he was awake, and, by a violent
shake of the shoulder, disengaged him from the arms of sleep. The
first compliments having mutually passed, Cadwallader gave him to
understand, that he had arrived in town overnight in the stage-coach
from Bath, and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his
fellow-travellers, that Peregrine, for the first time since their
parting, indulged himself in mirth, even to the hazard of suffocation.

Crabtree, having rehearsed these adventures, in such a peculiarity
of manner as added infinite ridicule to every circumstance, and
repeated every scandalous report which had circulated at Bath,
after Peregrine's departure, was informed by the youth, that he
harboured a design upon the person of such a duchess, and in all
appearance had no reason to complain of his reception; but that
he would not venture to declare himself, until he should be more
ascertained of her sentiments; and therefore he begged leave to
depend upon the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader, who, he
knew, was admitted to her parties.

The misanthrope, before he would promise his assistance, asked
if his prospect verged towards matrimony; and our adventurer, who
guessed the meaning of his question, replying in the negative, he
undertook the office of reconnoitring her inclination, protesting
at the same time, that he would never concern himself in any scheme
that did not tend to the disgrace and deception of all the sex. On
these conditions he espoused the interest of our hero; and a plan
was immediately concerted, in consequence of which they met by
accident at her grace's table. Pickle having staid all the forepart
of the evening, and sat out all the company, except the misanthrope
and a certain widow lady who was said to be in the secrets of my
lady duchess, went away on pretence of an indispensable engagement,
that Crabtree might have a proper opportunity of making him the
subject of conversation.

Accordingly, he had scarce quitted the apartment, when this cynic,
attending him to the door with a look of morose disdain, "Were I
an absolute prince," said he, "and that fellow one of my subjects,
I would order him to be clothed in sackcloth, and he should drive
my asses to water, that his lofty spirit might be lowered to the
level of his deserts. The pride of a peacock is downright self-denial,
when compared with the vanity of that coxcomb, which was naturally
arrogant, but is now rendered altogether intolerable, by the
reputation he acquired at Bath, for kicking a bully, outwitting
a club of raw sharpers, and divers other pranks, in the execution
of which he was more lucky than wise. But nothing has contributed
so much to the increase of his insolence and self-conceit, as the
favour he found among the ladies; ay, the ladies, madam: I care
not who knows it: the ladies, who, to their honour be it spoken,
never fail to patronize foppery and folly, provided they solicit
their encouragement. And yet this dog was not on the footing of those
hermaphroditical animals, who may be reckoned among the number of
waiting-women, who air your shifts, comb your lap-dogs, examine your
noses with magnifying glasses, in order to squeeze out the worms,
clean your tooth-brushes, sweeten your handkerchiefs, and soften
waste paper for your occasions. This fellow Pickle was entertained
for more important purposes; his turn of duty never came till all
those lapwings were gone to roost; then he scaled windows, leaped
over garden walls, and was let in by Mrs. Betty in the dark. Nay,
the magistrates of Bath complimented him with the freedom of the
corporation, merely because, through his means, the waters had gained
extraordinary credit; for every female of a tolerable appearance,
that went thither on account of her sterility, got the better of
her complaint, during his residence at Bath. And now the fellow
thinks no woman can withstand his addresses. He had not been here
three minutes, when I could perceive, with half an eye, that he
had marked out your grace for a conquest,--I mean in an honourable
way; though the rascal has impudence enough to attempt anything."

So saying, he fixed his eyes upon the duchess, who, while her
face glowed with indignation, turning to her confidant, expressed
herself in these words: "Upon my life! I believe there is actually
some truth in what this old ruffian says; I have myself observed
that young fellow eyeing me with a very particular stare."--"It
is not to be at all wondered at," said her friend, "that a youth
of his complexion should be sensible to the charms of your grace!
but I dare say he would not presume to entertain any but the most
honourable and respectful sentiments."--"Respectful sentiments!"
cried my lady, with a look of ineffable disdain; "if I thought the
fellow had assurance enough to think of me in any shape, I protest
I would forbid him my house. Upon my honour, such instances of
audacity should induce persons of quality to keep your small gentry
at a greater distance; for they are very apt to grow impudent, upon
the least countenance or encouragement."

Cadwallader, satisfied with this declaration, changed the subject
of discourse, and next day communicated his discovery to his friend
Pickle, who upon this occasion felt the most stinging sensations
of mortified pride, and resolved to quit his prospect with a good
grace. Nor did the execution of this self-denying scheme cost him
one moment's uneasiness; for his heart had never been interested in
the pursuit, and his vanity triumphed in the thoughts of manifesting
his indifference. Accordingly, the very next time he visited her
grace, his behaviour was remarkably frank, sprightly and disengaged;
and the subject of love being artfully introduced by the widow,
who had been directed to sound his inclinations, he rallied the
passion with great ease and severity and made no scruple of declaring
himself heart-whole.  Though the duchess had resented his supposed
affection, she was now offended at his insensibility, and even
signified her disgust, by observing, that perhaps his attention
to his own qualifications screened him from the impression of all
other objects.

While he enjoyed this sarcasm, the meaning of which he could
plainly discern, the company was joined by a certain virtuoso, who
had gained free access to all the great families of the land, by
his noble talent of gossiping and buffoonery. He was now in the
seventy-fifth year of his age; his birth was so obscure, that he
scarce knew his father's name; his education suitable to the dignity
of his descent; his character publicly branded with homicide,
profligacy, and breach of trust; yet this man, by the happy
inheritance of impregnable effrontery, and a lucky prostitution
of all principle in rendering himself subservient to the appetites
of the great, had attained to an independency of fortune, as well
as to such a particular share of favour among the quality, that,
although he was well known to have pimped for three generations of
the nobility, there was not a lady of fashion in the kingdom who
scrupled to admit him to her toilette, or even to be squired by him
in any place of public entertainment. Not but that this sage was
occasionally useful to his fellow-creatures, by these connections
with people of fortune; for he often undertook to solicit charity
in behalf of distressed objects, with a view of embezzling one-half
of the benefactions. It was an errand of this kind that now brought
him to the house of her grace.

After having sat a few minutes, he told the company that he would
favour them with a very proper opportunity to extend their benevolence,
for the relief of a poor gentlewoman, who was reduced to the most
abject misery, by the death of her husband, and just delivered of
a couple of fine boys: they, moreover, understood from his information,
that this object was daughter of a good family, who had renounced
her in consequence of her marrying an ensign without a fortune; and
even obstructed his promotion with all their influence and power;
a circumstance of barbarity which had made such an impression upon
his mind, as disordered his brain, and drove him to despair, in a
fit of which he had made away with himself, leaving his wife, then
big with child, to all the horrors of indigence and grief.

Various were the criticisms on this pathetic picture, which the
old man drew with great expression. My lady duchess concluded that
she must be a creature void of all feeling and reflection, who
could survive such aggravated misery, therefore did not deserve to
be relieved, except in the character of a common beggar; and was
generous enough to offer a recommendation, by which she would be
admitted into an infirmary, to which her grace was a subscriber;
at the same time advising the solicitor to send the twins to the
Foundling Hospital, where they could be carefully nursed and brought
up, so as to become useful members to the commonwealth. Another
lady, with all due deference to the opinion of the duchess, was free
enough to blame the generosity of her grace, which would only serve
to encourage children in disobedience to their parents, and might
be the means not only of prolonging the distress of the wretched
creature, but also of ruining the constitution of some young heir,
perhaps the hope of a great family; for she did suppose that madam,
when her month should be up, and her brats disposed of, would spread
her attractions to the public, provided she could profit by her
person, and, in the usual way, make a regular progress from St.
James's to Drury Lane. She apprehended, for these reasons, that
their compassion would be most effectually shown, in leaving her to
perish in her present necessity; and that the old gentleman would
be unpardonable, should he persist in his endeavours to relieve
her. A third member of this tender-hearted society, after having
asked if the young woman was handsome, and being answered in the
negative, allowed that there was a great deal of reason in what had
been said by the honourable person who had spoke last; nevertheless,
she humbly conceived her sentence would admit of some mitigation.
"Let the bantlings," said she, "be sent to the hospital, according
to the advice of her grace, and a small collection be made for the
present support of the mother; and, when her health is recovered,
I will take her into my family, in quality of an upper servant, or
medium between me and my woman; for, upon my life! I can't endure
to chide or give directions to a creature, who is, in point of
birth and education, but one degree above the vulgar."

This proposal met with universal approbation. The duchess, to
her immortal honour, began the contribution with a crown; so that
the rest of the company were obliged to restrict their liberality
to half the sum, that her grace might not be affronted. And the
proposer, demanding the poor woman's name and place of abode, the
old mediator could not help giving her ladyship a verbal direction,
though he was extremely mortified, on more accounts than one, to
find such an issue to his solicitation.

Peregrine, who, "though humorous as winter, had a tear for pity,
and a hand open as day for melting charity," was shocked at the
nature and result of this ungenerous consultation. He contributed
his half-crown, however, and, retiring from the company, betook
himself to the lodgings of the forlorn lady in the straw, according
to the direction he had heard. Upon inquiry, he understood that
she was then visited by some charitable gentlewoman, who had sent
for a nurse, and waited the return of the messenger; and he sent
up his respects, desiring he might be permitted to see her, on
pretence of having been intimate with her late husband.

Though the poor woman had never heard of his name, she did not
think proper to deny his request; and he was conducted to a paltry
chamber in the third story, where he found this unhappy widow
sitting upon a truckle-bed, and suckling one of her infants, with
the most piteous expression of anguish in her features, which were
naturally regular and sweet, while the other was fondled on the knee
of a person, whose attention was so much engrossed by her little
charge, that, for the present, she could mind nothing else; and
it was not till after the first compliments passed betwixt the
hapless mother and our adventurer, that he perceived the stranger's
countenance, which inspired him with the highest esteem and admiration.
He beheld all the graces of elegance and beauty, breathing sentiment
and beneficence, and softened into the most enchanting tenderness
of weeping sympathy. When he declared the cause of his visit, which
was no other than the desire of befriending the distressed lady,
to whom he presented a bank-note for twenty pounds, he was favoured
with such a look of complacency by this amiable phantom, who might
have been justly taken for an angel ministering to the necessities
of mortals, that his whole soul was transported with love and
veneration. Nor was this prepossession diminished by the information
of the widow, who, after having manifested her gratitude in a flood
of tears, told him, that the unknown object of his esteem was a
person of honour, who having heard by accident of her deplorable
situation, had immediately obeyed the dictates of her humanity,
and come in person to relieve her distress; that she had not only
generously supplied her with money for present sustenance, but
also undertaken to provide a nurse for her babes, and even promised
to favour her with protection, should she survive her present
melancholy situation. To these articles of intelligence she added,
that the name of her benefactress was the celebrated Lady --,
to whose character the youth was no stranger, though he had never
seen her person before. The killing edge of her charms was a little
blunted by the accidents of time and fortune; but no man of taste
and imagination, whose nerves were not quite chilled with the frost
of age, could, even at that time, look upon her with impunity. And
as Peregrine saw her attractions heightened by the tender office
in which she was engaged, he was smitten with her beauty, and
so ravished with her compassion, that he could not suppress his
emotions, but applauded her benevolence with all the warmth of

Her ladyship received his compliments with great politeness
and affability. And the occasion on which they met being equally
interesting to both, an acquaintance commenced between them, and
they concerted measures for the benefit of the widow and her two
children, one of whom our hero bespoke for his own godson; for
Pickle was not so obscure in the beau monde, but that his fame had
reached the ears of this lady, who, therefore, did not discourage
his advances towards her friendship and esteem. All the particulars
relating to their charge being adjusted, he attended her ladyship
to her own house; and, by her conversation, had the pleasure of
finding her understanding suitable to her other accomplishments.
Nor had she any reason to think that our hero's qualifications had
been exaggerated by common report.

One of their adopted children died before it was baptized; so that
their care concentred in the other, for whom they stood sponsors.
Understanding that the old agent was becoming troublesome in
his visits to the mother, to whom he now began to administer such
counsel as shocked the delicacy of her virtue, they removed her into
another lodging, where she would not be exposed to his machinations.
In less than a month, our hero learned from a nobleman of his
acquaintance, that the hoary pander had actually engaged to procure
for him this poor afflicted gentlewoman; and, being frustrated in
his intention, substituted in her room a nymph from the purlieus
of Covent Garden, that made his lordship smart severely for the
favours she bestowed.

Meanwhile, Peregrine cultivated his new acquaintance with all his art
and assiduity, presuming, from the circumstances of her reputation
and fate, as well as on the strength of his own merit, that, in
time, he should be able to indulge that passion which had begun
to glow within his breast. As her ladyship had undergone a vast
variety of fortune and adventure, which he had heard indistinctly
related, with numberless errors and misrepresentations, he was no
sooner entitled, by the familiarity of communication, to ask such
a favour, than he earnestly entreated her to entertain him with the
particulars of her story; and, by dint of importunity, she was at
length prevailed upon, in a select party, to gratify his curiosity,
by the account given in the following chapter.


The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality.

"By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate,
you will be convinced of my candour, while you are informed of my
indiscretion. You will be enabled, I hope, to perceive, that, howsoever
my head may have erred, my heart hath always been uncorrupted, and
that I have been unhappy, because I loved, and was a woman.

"I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child of a man
of good fortune, who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness
of paternal affection; and, when I was six years old, sent me to a
private school, where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became
such a favourite, that I was, even in those early days, carried to
all the places of public diversion, the court itself not excepted,
an indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was
naturally addicted, and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition
which spring up so early in the human mind.

"I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot,
my heart liberal and disinterested, though I was so obstinately
attached to my own opinions, that I could not well brook contradiction;
and, in the whole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry V.,
as described by Shakespeare.

"In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first introduced
into the world as a woman, having been entitled to that privilege
by my person, which was remarkably tall for my years; and there my
fancy was quite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I
was continually engaged. Not that the parties were altogether new
to me, but because I now found myself considered as a person of
consequence, and surrounded by a crowd of admirers, who courted
my acquaintance, and fed my vanity with praise and adulation. In
short, whether or not I deserved their encomiums, I leave the world
to judge; but my person was commended, and my talent in dancing met
with universal applause. No wonder, then, that everything appeared
joyous to a young creature, who was so void of experience and
dissimulation, that she believed everybody's heart as sincere as
her own, and every object such as it appeared to be.

"Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were two
that bore a pretty equal share of my favour (it was too superficial
to deserve the name of love). One of these was a forward youth of
sixteen, extremely handsome, lively, and impudent. He attended in
quality of page upon the Princess Amelia, who spent that season
at Bath. The other was a Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who
was graced with a red ribbon, and danced particularly well, two
qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age, whose heart
was not deeply interested in the cause. Nevertheless, the page
prevailed over this formidable rival; though our amour went no
farther than a little flirting, and ceased entirely when I left
the place.

"Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed
my time in the same circle of amusements; in which, indeed, each
season at Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing
for the difference of company, which is continually varying. There
I met with the same incense, and again had my favourite, who was
a North Briton, and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and
a little lame, an impediment which I did not discover, until it was
pointed out by some of my companions, who rallied me upon my choice.
He was always cheerful, and very amorous, had a good countenance,
and an excellent understanding, possessed a great deal of art, and
would have persuaded me to marry him, had I not been restrained by
the authority of my father, whose consent was not to be obtained
in favour of a man of his fortune.

"At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents;
but as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them
all, being determined to refuse every man who did not make his
addresses to myself in person, because I had no notion of marrying
for anything but love. Among these formal proposers was a Scottish
earl, whose pretensions were broke off by some difference about
settlements; and the son of an English baron, with whom my father
was in treaty, when he carried me to town, on a visit to a young
lady. with whom I had been intimate from my infancy. She was just
delivered of her first son, for whom we stood sponsors; so that
this occasion detained us a whole month, during which I went to a
ball at court, on the Queen's birthday, and there, for the first
time, felt what love and beauty were.

"The second son of Duke H--, who had just returned from his travels,
was dancing with the princess royal, when a young lady came and
desired me to go and see a stranger, whom all the world admired.
Upon which I followed her into the circle, and observed this object
of admiration. He was dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with
blue satin, embroidered with silver, of the same piece with his
waistcoat; his fine hair hung down his back in ringlets below his
waist; his hat was laced with silver, and garnished with a white
feather; but his person beggared description. He was tall and
graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre, his limbs finely proportioned,
his countenance open and majestic, his eyes full of sweetness and
vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lips of the complexion
of the damask rose. In short, he was formed for love, and inspired
it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of his talents, but
liberally returned it, at least, what passed for such; for he had
a flow of gallantry, for which many ladies of this land can vouch
from their own experience. But he exclaimed against marriage,
because he had, as yet, met with no woman to whose charms he would
surrender his liberty, though a princess of France, and lady of
the same rank in --, were said to be, at that time, enamoured of
his person.

"I went home, totally engrossed by his idea, flattering myself that
he had observed me with some attention; for I was young and new,
and had the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of
the queen herself.

"Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with the
appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter, than
he approached so near to the place where I sat, that I overheard what
he said to his companions; and was so happy as to find myself the
object of his discourse, which abounded with rapturous expressions
of love and admiration. I could not listen to these transports
without emotion; my colour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual
violence, and my eyes betrayed my inclination in sundry favourable
glances, which he seemed to interpret aright, though he could not
then avail himself of his success, so far as to communicate his
sentiments by speech, because we were strangers to each other.

"I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and several
days elapsed before I saw him again. At length, however, being at
court on a ball-night, and determined against dancing, I perceived
him among the crowd, and, to my unspeakable joy, saw him advance,
with my Lord P--, who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon
found means to alter my resolution, and I condescended to be his
partner all the evening; during which he declared his passion in
the most tender and persuasive terms that real love could dictate,
or fruitful imagination invent.

"I believed his protestations, because I wished them true, and
was an unexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest
request of being permitted to visit me, and even invited him to
breakfast next morning; so that you may imagine (I speak to those
that feel) I did not, that night, enjoy much repose. Such was the
hurry and flutter of my spirits, that I rose at six to receive
him at ten. I dressed myself in a new pink satin gown, and my best
laced night-clothes, and was so animated by the occasion that, if
ever I deserved a compliment upon my looks, it was my due at this
meeting.  The wished-for moment came that brought my lover to my
view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and fear of I knew not
what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. He renewed his
addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me to accept
of his hand without further hesitation. But to such a precipitate
step I objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as
to that duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly loved.

"Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt to
disguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus commenced a tender
correspondence, which was maintained by letters while I remained
in the country, and carried on, when I was in town, by private
interviews twice or thrice a week at the house of my milliner,
where such endearments passed as refined and happy lovers know, and
others can only guess. Truth and innocence prevailed on my side,
while his heart was fraught with sincerity and love. Such frequent
intercourse created an intimacy which I began to think dangerous,
and therefore yielded to his repeated desire that we might be
united for ever.  Nay, I resolved to avoid him, until the day should
be fixed, and very innocently, though not very wisely, told him my
reason for this determination, which was no other than a consciousness
of my incapacity to refuse him anything he should demand as a
testimony of my love.

"The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a few days,
during which I intended to have implored my father's consent, though
I had but faint hopes of obtaining it. But he was by some means or
other apprised of our design, before I could prevail upon myself
to make him acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover
at the ridotto on the preceding evening, and there perhaps our
eyes betrayed us. Certain it is, several of Lord W--'s relations,
who disapproved of the match, came up and rallied him on his passion;
Lord S--k, in particular, used this remarkable expression, "Nephew,
as much love as you please, but no matrimony."

"Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting
for me at the appointed place, in all the transports of impatient
expectation, I was, without any previous warning, carried into the
country by my father, who took no notice of the intelligence he
had received, but decoyed me into the coach on pretence of taking
the air; and, when we had proceeded as far as Turnham Green, gave
me to understand, that he would dine in that place.

"There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my disappointment,
though with an aching heart, and followed him up-stairs into an
apartment, where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial
scheme. I did not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him,
while the tears gushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone
had hindered me from making him privy to my passion; though I owned,
I should have married Lord W--, even though he had disapproved of
my choice. I reminded him of the uneasy life I led at home, and
frankly acknowledged, that I loved my admirer too well to live
without him; though, if he would favour me with his consent, I
would defer my intention, and punctually observe any day he would
fix for our nuptials. Meanwhile I begged he would permit me to
send a message to Lord W--, who was waiting in expectation of my
coming, and might, without such notice, imagine I was playing the
jilt. He granted this last request; in consequence of which I sent
a letter to my lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted
away, believing I should be locked up in the country, and snatched
for ever from his arms. Tortured with these apprehensions, he
changed clothes immediately, and, taking horse, resolved to follow
me whithersoever we should go.

"After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we
lay, intending to be at my father's country house next night; and
my admirer putting up at the same inn, practised every expedient
his invention could suggest to procure an interview; but all his
endeavours were unsuccessful, because I, who little dreamed of his
being so near, had gone to bed upon our first arrival, overwhelmed
with affliction and tears. In the morning I threw myself at
my father's feet, and conjured him, by all the ties of paternal
affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my admirer
once more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The melancholy
condition in which I preferred this supplication, melted the tender
heart of my parent, who yielded to my supplications, and carried
me back to town for that purpose.

"Lord W--, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own
lodgings before we arrived at my father's house, obeyed my summons
on the instant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties
were for some minutes suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At
length I recovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand,
that I was come to town in order to take my leave of him, by the
permission of my father, whom I had promised to attend into the
country next day, before he would consent to my return; the chief
cause and pretence of which was my earnest desire to convince him,
that I was not to blame for the disappointment he had suffered,
and that I should see him again in a month, when the nuptial knot
should be tied in spite of all opposition.

"My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had wellnigh
run distracted with this information. He swore he would not leave
me, until I should promise to meet and marry him next day; or,
if I refused to grant that request, he would immediately leave
the kingdom, to which he would never more return; and, before his
departure, sacrifice Lord H. B--, son to the Duke of S. A--, who
was the only person upon earth who could have betrayed us to my
father, because he alone was trusted with the secret of our intended
marriage, and had actually undertaken to give me away; an office
which he afterwards declined. Lord W-- also affirmed, that my
father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me up,
and sequestering me entirely from his view and correspondence.

"In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and used
all the arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge
upon Lord H--. He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing,
I found, would prevail upon him to suppress his resentment, but
a positive promise to comply with his former desire. I told him I
would hazard everything to make him happy; but could not, with any
regard to my duty, take such a step without the knowledge of my
parent; or, if I were so inclined, it would be impracticable to
elude his vigilance and suspicion. However, he employed such pathetic
remonstrances, and retained such a powerful advocate within my own
breast, that, before we parted, I assured him my whole power should
be exerted for his satisfaction; and he signified his resolution
of sitting up all night, in expectation of seeing me at his lodgings.

"He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next room, and
desired my father to fix a day for the marriage; in which case I
would cheerfully wait upon him into the country; whereas, should
he deny my request, on pretence of staying for the consent of my
mother's relations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the
first opportunity of marrying Lord W--, cost what it would. He
consented to the match, but would not appoint a day for the ceremony,
which he proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed; and
such a favourable crisis, I feared, would never happen.

"I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover's expectation,
by eloping, if possible, that very night; though the execution of
this plan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the
alarm, and my own maid, who was my bedfellow, altogether in his
interest. Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to
engage one of the housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a hackney-coach,
to be kept in waiting all night; and to bed I went with my Abigail,
whom, as I had not closed an eye, I waked about five in the morning,
and sent to pack up some things for our intended journey.

"While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my clothes,
standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in the chamber
below, should hear me afoot, and suspect my design. Having dressed
myself with great despatch and disorder, I flounced downstairs,
stalking as heavily as I could tread, that he might mistake me for
one of the servants; and my confederate opening the door, I sallied
out into the street, though I knew not which way to turn; and, to
my unspeakable mortification, neither coach nor chair appeared.

"Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a
convenience, and being not only disappointed in that particular,
but also bewildered in my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly
alarmed with the apprehension of being met by some person who might
know me; because in that case, my design would undoubtedly have
been discovered, from every circumstance of my appearance at that
time of day; for I had put on the very clothes which I had pulled
off overnight, so that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar.
My shoes were very fine, and over a large hoop I wore a pink satin
quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, which was partly covered by
a white dimity night-gown, a full quarter of a yard too short; my
handkerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning; my nightcap
could not contain my hair, which hung about my ears in great
disorder; and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and fear,
joy and shame.

"In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable member
of society, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated to provide me
with a coach or chair, promising to reward him liberally for his
trouble, but he, having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to
keep up with my pace; so that by his advice and direction, I went
into the first public-house I found open, where I stayed some
time, in the utmost consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I
thought proper to bribe for their civility, not without the terror
of being stripped.  At length, however, my messenger returned with
a chair, of which I took immediate possession; and fearing that,
by this time, my family would be alarmed, and send directly to Lord
W--'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried thither backwards,
that so I might pass undiscovered.

"This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran upstairs,
in a state of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who waited for me
with the most impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his
eyes lightened with transport: he caught me in his arms, as the
richest present Heaven could bestow; gave me to understand that
my father had already sent to his lodgings in quest of me; then
applauding my love and resolution in the most rapturous terms, he
ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and, that we might run no
risk of separation, attended me to church, where we were lawfully
joined in the sight of Heaven.

"His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double
aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the
sorrow he suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour; for I
loved him with such piety of affection, that I would have endured
every other species of distress, rather than given him the least
uneasiness; but love, where he reigns in full empire, is altogether
irresistible, surmounts every difficulty, and swallows up all other
considerations. This was the case with me; and now the irrevocable
step was taken, my first care was to avoid his sight. With this
view, I begged that Lord W-- would think of some remote place
in the country, to which we might retire for the present, and he
forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, where we were very
civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed to mistake
me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her opinion,
than I desired Lord W-- to undeceive her; upon which she was made
acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into
a private room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an
apology to my father, for having acted contrary to his will in so
important a concern.

"This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand,
that there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in
order to render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover
and part us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till
the evening, objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon;
but he found means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince
me that it was now my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation
of being obstinate and refractory on the first day of my probation,
I suffered myself to be led into a chamber, which was darkened by
my express stipulation, that my shame and confusion might be the
better concealed, and yielded to the privilege of a dear husband,
who loved me to adoration.

"About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner,
which we had ordered to be ready at four; but such a paltry care
had been forgot amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got
up, however, and when we came downstairs, I was ashamed to see the
light of day, or meet the eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little,
said less, was happy, though overwhelmed with confusion, underwent
a thousand agitations, some of which were painful, but by far the
greater part belonged to rapture and delight; we were imparadised
in the gratification of our mutual wishes, and felt all that love
can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.

"In the twilight we returned to Lord W--'s lodgings in town, where
I received a letter from my father, importing that he would never
see me again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing,
from which I conceived a happy