Jokes, Stories, and Quotations / Various

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by Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers

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Title: Toaster's Handbook
       Jokes, Stories, and Quotations

Author: Peggy Edmund & Harold W. Williams, compilers

Release Date: May 26, 2004 [EBook #12444]

Language: English

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[Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book
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TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

JOKES, STORIES, AND
QUOTATIONS

Compiled by

PEGGY EDMUND

and

HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS

Introductions by

MARY KATHARINE REELY

1916




CONTENTS

  PREFACE

  ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR

  TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS

  TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

  INDEX




PREFACE

Nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to
respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion. All ideas he
may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he
clutches furiously at the nearest solid object. This book is intended
for such rescue purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped,
not heavy.

Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in
this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast,
story, definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks.
Then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences, he
may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily
and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding.

While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are inserted
many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate
literary ballast.

The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the
subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful, even at
the risk of the joke turning on the compilers. To extend the usefulness
of such pseudo-cataloging, cross references, similar and dissimilar to
those of a library card catalog, have been included.

Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us remark
that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried
and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need. However, there
are stories of a rising generation, whose acquaintance all may enjoy.

Nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in
print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared, little
attempt has been made to credit any source for them. The compilers
hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the "funny editors" of many
books and periodicals.




ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR


"Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he
is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what
things are and what they ought to be." The sources, then, of laughter
and tears come very close together. At the difference between things as
they are and as they ought to be we laugh, or we weep; it would depend,
it seems, on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace
Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to
those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity that, at the sight
of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter, the feeling half to
tears. A sense of humor, then, is the possession of the thinking half,
and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers.

If one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a
definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense of humor, he
might find himself confronted with a difficulty. Yet certain things
about it would be patent at the outset: Women haven't it; Englishmen
haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues, for tho a man speak with
the tongues of men and of angels, if he have not humor we will have none
of him. Women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous
incidents which they find amusing; may continue to write the most
delightful of stories and essays--consider Jane Austen and our own Miss
Repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle;
Englishmen may continue, as in the past to produce the most exquisite of
the world's humorous literature--think of Charles Lamb--yet the
fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken: women have no sense
of humor, and an Englishman cannot see a joke! And the ability to "see a
joke" is the infallible American test of the sense of humor.

But taking the matter seriously, how would one define humor? When in
doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always, an excellent motto, and,
following it, we find that our trustworthy friend, Noah Webster, does
not fail us. Here is his definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is
"the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating
ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas, situations,
happenings, or acts," with the added information that it is
distinguished from wit as "less purely intellectual and having more
kindly sympathy with human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A
friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute
more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specifically in
literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent
in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme." Isn't there something
about that word "sportive," on the lips of so learned an authority,
that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor?

Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we approach that
monument to English scholarship, the great Murray, we shall find that
the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem; for the
word that we use so glibly, with so sure a confidence in its stability,
has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases. When
Shakespeare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was changeable and
capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a
"sportive" exercise of the imagination. When he talks in "The Taming of
the Shrew" of "her mad and head-strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply
that Kate is a practical joker. It is interesting to note in passing
that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A
woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when
she yields to their capriciousness. By going hack a step further in
history, to the late fourteenth century, we met Chaucer's physician who
knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where engendered and of what
humour" and find that Chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all,
but is referring to those physiological humours of which, according to
Hippocrates, the human body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and
black bile, and by which the disposition was determined. We find, too,
that at one time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again
any kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think we
shall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction. Which
might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of _dry_
humor.

Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, meaning moisture
of any kind, came to have a biological significance and was applied only
to plant and animal life. It was restricted later within purely
physiological boundaries and was applied only to those "humours" of the
human body that controlled temperament. From these fluids, determining
mental states, the word took on a psychological coloring, but--by what
process of evolution did humor reach its present status! After all, the
scientific method has its weaknesses!

We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not. We can draw
lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin, wit. This
indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all
ages. And many have been the attempts to define humor, to define wit, to
describe and differentiate them, to build high fences to keep them
apart.

"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in your face;
humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your heart," says E. P.
Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emotional; wit is perception of
resemblance, humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact,
theory and practice, promise and performance," writes another authority.
While yet another points out that "Humor is feeling--feelings can always
bear repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition."
The truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty
saying that we may enjoy the effect on others, while we retell a
humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it.

Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined. It may be
one of those intangible substances, like love and beauty, that are
indefinable. It is quite probable that humor should not be explained. It
would be distressing, as some one pointed out, to discover that American
humor is based on American dyspepsia. Yet the philosophers themselves
have endeavored to explain it. Hazlitt held that to understand the
ludicrous, we must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the
serious, what better course could be followed than to contemplate the
serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their
attempts to define humor and to explain laughter. Consider Hobbes: "The
passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the
sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the
inferiority of others, or with our own formerly." According to Professor
Bain, "Laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest
possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong
emotion." Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure
Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and
explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of a sudden
ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a list of the
situations on the stage which are always "humorous." One of them, I
recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat, having made mighty
preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs, suddenly changes his
mind and walks off without attempting it. The laughter that invariably
greets this "funny" maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction.
Bergson, too, the philosopher of creative evolution, has considered
laughter to the extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a
little disturbed. Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted,
jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern mentor,
characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter," says M. Bergson,
"is above all a corrective, it must make a painful impression on the
person against whom it is directed. By laughter society avenges itself
for the liberties taken with it. It would fail in its object if it bore
the stamp of sympathy or kindness." If this be laughter, grant us
occasionally the saving grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy,
and, therefore, kind!

But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor makes the
whole world grin," what difference does it make what that humor is; what
difference why or wherefore we laugh, since somehow or other, in a sorry
world, we do laugh?

Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said that it is
the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the dictionary, again a
present help in time of trouble, tells us at once that it is, "something
said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it
does not excite the laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire?
Shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke
that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically considered it
is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of "those beloved
writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh."
We hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be
wrong. Is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here
is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an
Absolute in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by
the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there were many
witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that looked witty, yet
were not really what they seemed at first sight! So a joke is not to be
recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps. Perhaps
there might be established a test of good usage. A joke would be that at
which the best people laugh.

Somebody--was it Mark Twain?--once said that there are eleven original
jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times, and that
all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the
originals. Miss Repplier, however, gives to modern times the credit for
some inventiveness. Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such
contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the
interminable variations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Beerbohm once
codified all the English comic papers and found that the following list
comprised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans; Italians and
Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men); Baldness; Sea sickness;
Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red noses. A like examination of
American newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list.
We have, of course, our purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke
to Chicago, the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a
perennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the city. And
the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's and J's, distort
his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon Th. Indeed our great
American sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast
field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization.

It may be that this vaunted national sense has been
over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor,
anyway--but at least it has one of the Christian virtues--it suffereth
long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we are a
"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part
with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think, is something that
our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend. I
listened once to a distinguished Frenchman as he addressed the students
in a western university chapel. He was evidently astounded and
embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly
humorous remarks. He even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of
his English, deeming them the cause, and was further mystified by the
little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came
from the hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be
appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with American slang
often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are
unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however and whenever used, is
always humorous.

The American is not only a humorous person, he is a practical person. So
it is only natural that the American humor should be put to practical
uses. It was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a
man without was that the man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a
horse's mouth, would first tell him a funny story, while the man without
tact would get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way
of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories used to
be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade. It is by means of
the "good story" that the politician makes his way into office; the
business man paves the way for a big deal; the after-dinner speaker gets
a hearing; the hostess saves her guests from boredom. Such a large place
does the "story" hold in our national life that we have invented a
social pastime that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny
story, even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe man,
"its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one." True as this
may be, we still persist in telling our funny story. Our hearers are
reminded of another, good or bad, which again reminds us--and so on.

A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest of the
virtues. It is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success.
For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a practical people, put our
humor to practical uses. It is held up as one of the prerequisites for
entrance to any profession. "A lawyer," says a member of that order,
must have such and such mental and moral qualities; "but before all
else"--and this impressively--"he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for the
granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would place a copy
of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of each, and if the light
of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed, the
certificate would be withheld. For, before all else, a teacher must
possess a sense of humor! If it be true, then, that the sense of humor
is so important in determining the choice of a profession, how wise are
those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most
exacting of professions--matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor," George
Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion." And Stevenson,
always wise, insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over
the same jokes--have between them many a "grouse in the gun-room" story.
But there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be
preserved, and I recall one couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal
in spite of this very incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical
sense of humor had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best
stories with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came,
peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about the table
with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder? Do you know her
equal?"

Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one of whose
possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that was too much for my
sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know my sense of humor was always my
strong point." Imagine thus boasting of one's integrity, or sense of
honor! And so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit
himself to be a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I
know I'm extravagant," are simple enough admissions. But did any one
ever openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in a sense of
humor!" However, to recognize the lack one would first have to possess
the sense--which is manifestly impossible.

"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the
condition of human life," says Hazlitt, and no philosophy has as yet
succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life. "Man is a
laughing animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the end of infinite search the
philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human
fruit, purely human, and sane, and comforting." So whether it be the
corrective laughter of Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love
laughing at locksmiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was
like the crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize
that it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be
an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie hangs
full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed humor, no less
refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty
earth.




TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS


Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or
toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit
of the occasion which calls for speeches. The toast, after-dinner talk,
or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good
humor, and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well
as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost.

Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the
modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast
should be given. It originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods
and the dead, which in Christian nations was modified, with the
accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added. In England
during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a "toast" in the
drink, which was usually served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece
of bread scorched on both sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of
Windsor" has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast
in't." Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the
company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast
flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of drinking or of
proposing a health, or the mere act of expressing good wishes or
fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.

Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one intended to
promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity for the
exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything
controversial, or antagonistic to any of the company present. The effort
of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all
and especially between speakers. And speakers should cooperate with the
toastmaster and with each other to that end. The introductions of the
toastmaster may, of course, contain some good-natured bantering,
together with compliment, but always without sting. Those taking part
may "get back" at the toastmaster, but always in a manner to leave no
hard feeling anywhere. The toastmaster should strive to make his
speakers feel at ease, to give them good standing with their hearers
without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is
expected of them. In short, let everybody boost good naturedly for
everybody else.

The toastmaster, and for that matter everyone taking part, should be
carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those who are successful
after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought. A
practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting
together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared
for other occasions, but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to
think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero
said of Antonius, "All his speeches were, _in appearance_, the
unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they
were _preconceived with so much skill_ that the judges were not so well
prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them!"

After considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in
harmony with it, the speaker should next consider the relation of his
particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other
speakers. He should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted
to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers.
He should be careful, too, not to appropriate to himself any of their
time. And he should consider, without vanity and without humility, his
own relative importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had
the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the
evening to begin while some humble citizen made "a few introductory
remarks."

In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form, the toaster
will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition
with which he struggled in school and college days, Unity, Mass and
Coherence. The first means that his talk must have a central thought, on
which all his stories, anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing; the
second that there will be a proper balance between the parts, that it
will not be all introduction and conclusion; the third, that it will
hang together, without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as
Lowell said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the
toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together.

In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural. The
after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for oratory of
voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment on the part of the
speaker is advisable. The humorist who can tell a story with a straight
face adds to the humorous effect.

A word might be said to those who plan the program. In the number of
speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many. Especially
is this true if there is one distinguished person who is _the_ speaker
of the occasion. In such a case the number of lesser lights may well be
limited to two or three. The placing of the guest of honor on the
program is a matter of importance. Logically he would be expected to
come last, as the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large
semi-public affair--a political gathering, for example--where strict
etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there
will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best part of
the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speakers, even at the
risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On ordinary occasions, where
the speakers are of much the same rank, order will be determined mainly
by subject. And if the topics for discussion are directly related, if
they are all component parts of a general subject, so much the better.

Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely
inexperienced person--who has never given, or heard anyone else give, a
toast. It would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an
individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be
found. Especially is this true in a world where toasting and
after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social
functions--the college world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a
country town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never heard an
after-dinner speech, may be confronted with the necessity of responding
to a toast on, say "Needles and Pins." Such a one would like to be told
first of all what an after-dinner speech is. It is only a short,
informal talk, usually witty, at any rate kindly, with one central idea
and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes,
quotations and stories. The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your
first effort simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in
the example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful--as it is very
apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put
upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is ingenious, your case is
already half won. Such a subject is in effect a challenge. "Now, let's
see what you can make of this," is what it implies. First get an idea;
then find something in the way of illustrative material. Speak simply
and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it. Of course the
subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--Our Class;
The Team; Our President--in which case a more serious treatment is
called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment.

To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what others have said
on the subject, the following general rules have been formulated:

_Prepare carefully_. Self-confidence is a valuable possession, but
beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a fall, and
overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many
a would-be speaker. The speaker should strive to give the effect of
spontaneity, but this can be done only with practice. The toast calls
for the art that conceals art.

_Let your speech have unity_. As some one has pointed out, the
after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just as is the
short story. As such it should give a unity of impression. It bears
something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does
to the novel.

_Let it have continuity_. James Bryce says: "There is a tendency today
to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes, most of which
may have little to do with the subject or with one another. Even the
best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and
shoulders, having no connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as
well as brevity is the soul of wit."

_Do not grow emotional or sentimental_. American traditions are largely
borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon reticence. A parade of
emotion in public embarrasses us. A simple and sincere expression of
feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it.

_Avoid trite sayings_. Don't use quotations that are shopworn, and avoid
the set forms for toasts--"Our sweethearts and wives--may they never
meet," etc.

_Don't apologise_. Don't say that you are not prepared; that you speak
on very short notice; that you are "no orator as Brutus is." Resolve to
do your best and let your effort speak for itself.

_Avoid irony and satire_. It has already been said that occasions on
which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor. Yet the
temptation to use irony and satire may be strong. Especially may this be
true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at
the expense of rivals. Irony and satire are keen-edged tools; they have
their uses; but they are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them,
said:

    Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet
    To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.

_Use personal references sparingly_. A certain amount of good-natured
chaffing may be indulged in. Yet there may be danger in even the most
kindly of fun. One never knows how a jest will be taken. Once in the
early part of his career, Mark Twain, at a New England banquet, grew
funny at the expense of Longfellow and Emerson, then in their old age
and looked upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end
of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection.

_Be clear_. While you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the
point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there and that it is put
in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it. Avoid flights of
rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words.

_Avoid didacticism_. Do not try to instruct. Do not give statistics and
figures. They will not be remembered. A historical resume of your
subject from the beginning of time is not called for; neither are
well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the
prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking. Do not tell your
hearers things they already know.

_Be brief_. An after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless
position. It is so out in the open. There is no opportunity for a quiet
nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front. If you
bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that
they sit still and look pleased. Spare them. Remember Bacon's advice to
the speaker: "Let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak."
But suppose you come late on the program! Suppose the other speakers
have not heeded Bacon? What are you going to do about it? Here is a
story that James Bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech
he remembers to have heard. The speaker was a famous engineer, the
occasion a dinner of the British Association for the Advancement of
Science. "He came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen, at this
late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of Science by
applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle. Let us all
go to bed'."

If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your
own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling remarks, your audience
will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again.




TOASTER'S HANDBOOK




ABILITY


"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."

"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.

"Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_.




ABOLITION


He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he
sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and
began a conversation.

"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to
pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.

"Don't believe I have," answered the other.

"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking,"
rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough
workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune
otherwise expended in wages."

"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is
beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come
tearing down here and set 'em free."




ABSENT-MINDEDNESS


SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."

HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."




ACCIDENTS


The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge,
was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted
with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a
woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other,
both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was
overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the woman
was equal to the occasion.

"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I
will take what remains," she said cheerfully.


"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem
river.

"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty.

"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud."

"How far in?"

"Up to hees knees."

"Oh, let him walk out."

"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"


  There once was a lady from Guam,
  Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
    I will swim, for a lark";
    But she met with a shark.
  Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.


BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his
feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get
killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're
doin'."


A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About
noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On
being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped
over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little
fellow that it was nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner.

"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.

But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his
father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After
dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.

"Pa won't like it," he persisted.

The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think
his father would object.

"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.


  There was an old Miss from Antrim,
  Who looked for the leak with a glim.
    Alack and alas!
    The cause was the gas.
  We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


  There was a young lady named Hannah,
  Who slipped on a peel of banana.
    More stars she espied
    As she lay on her side
  Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.

  A gentleman sprang to assist her;
  He picked up her glove and her wrister;
    "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
    "Did you think," she replied,
  "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"


  At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,
  That nothing with God can be accidental.

  --_Longfellow_.




ACTING


Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of
his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel
Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and
remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his
father's household, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it
happened, he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely
concerned with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to time he
caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery, and judged from
their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly
impressed.

After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They
sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy
resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together
with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po'
niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But we jes' got to tell yo'
dat, in all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain' neveh
befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse Cha'les, dat yo'
see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us."


In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced
Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the
local paper next morning:

"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to
witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been
considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written
by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their
graves be opened; the one who turned over last night is the author."


Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special
observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.


  To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,
  To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;
  To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,
  Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold--
  For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.

  --_Pope_.




ACTORS AND ACTRESSES


An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New
England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to
the middle of the street and began to hiss.

One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily
exclaimed:

"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the
show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.


When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting
ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his
own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his
ambition and "try it on."

When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor
appeared to be much downcast.

"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his
friends.

"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.

"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come
before the curtain?" persisted the friend.

"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"


LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do
we not?"

SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."

LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Why?"

LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play
_Hamlet_ in a beard!"

SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"


HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"

SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."

HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a
newspaper critic."


The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
had died to slow music.

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.

He refused to appear.

But the audience still insisted.

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.

"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."


Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a
young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a
chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up.

"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently.

"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work
and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now
mine!"

"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent."


Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden
emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion
Theatre for a single night.

The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how
great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an
opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought
that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the
dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph.

A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a
telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following
telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the
Criterion."

Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the
message to a dozen or more important persons.

At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging
gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of
friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got
precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is
Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would
pay any attention to his wire?"

J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the
only one who said nothing.

"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.

"Oh, yes."

"But of course you didn't answer."

"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the
trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."

"You did! What did you say?"

"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"


  Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!
  How I wonder if you are
  When at home the tender age
  You appear when on the stage.

  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.


Recipe for an actor:

  To one slice of ham add assortment of roles.
    Steep the head in mash notes till it swells,
  Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,
    Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells.

  --_Life_.


Recipe for an ingenue:

  A pound and three-quarters of kitten,
    Three ounces of flounces and sighs;
  Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,
    And ringlets and dimples and eyes.

  --_Life_.




ADAPTATION


"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a
hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs,
seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.

"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's
adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs
having been of the cold-storage variety."




ADDRESSES


In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother,
that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up
C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"


An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic
Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little
while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:

"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the
addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington
has gone to, for he never told a lie."




ADVERTISING


Not long ago a patron of a cafe in Chicago summoned his waiter and
delivered himself as follows:

"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its
size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size
of this."

"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.

"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."

"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always
serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement
for the place."


"Advertising costs me a lot of money."

"Why I never saw your goods advertised."

"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."


When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a
superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider
in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or
bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:

"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck
nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to
see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store,
spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever
afterward."


"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"

"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night,
and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.


Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and
decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he
heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a
sign reading:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."

Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.

Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the
door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward
spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and
he departed.

Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same
walk.

He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
read:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"


Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York,
Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's
Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company
that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered
with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.

When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an
unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his
eye.

"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.

"Sure," replied the young man.

"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"

"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best
in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed
to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my
life."

"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.

"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock
has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same
class. Hitchcock's funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm
sorry you asked me, I feel so strongly about it."

Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow tones of a
tragedian, he said:

"I am Foy."

"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!"


Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all, as they are
instruments of ambition. A man that is by no means big enough for the
Gazette, may easily creep into the advertisements; by which means we
often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a
plenipotentiary, or a running footman with an ambassador.--_Addison_.


_See also_ Salesmen and Salesmanship.




ADVICE


Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of
a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending
money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her
of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would
be the most acceptable gift. In her own hand she answered, sternly
reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the
practise of economy. His reply staggered her:

"Dear Grandma," it ran, "thank you for your kind letter of advice. I
have sold the same for five pounds."


Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.--_Publius Syrus_.




AERONAUTICS


  A flea and a fly in a flue,
  Were imprisoned; now what could they do?
    Said the fly, "let us flee."
    "Let us fly," said the flea,
  And they flew through a flaw in the flue.


The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be
aeroneous.--_La Touche Hancock_.




AEROPLANES


  "Mother, may I go aeroplane?"
    "Yes, my darling Mary.
  Tie yourself to an anchor chain
    And don't go near the airy."

  --_Judge_.


Harry N. Atwood, the noted aviator, was the guest of honor at a dinner
in New York, and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on
aviation terminated neatly with these words:

"The aeroplane has come at last, but it was a long time coming. We can
imagine Necessity, the mother of invention, looking up at a sky all
criss-crossed with flying machines, and then saying, with a shake of her
old head and with a contented smile:

"'Of all my family, the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise.'"


  A genius who once did aspire
  To invent an aerial flyer,
    When asked, "Does it go?"
    Replied, "I don't know;
  I'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er."




AFTER DINNER SPEECHES


A Frenchman once remarked:

"The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour."


  Every rose has its thorn
    There's fuzz on all the peaches.
  There never was a dinner yet
    Without some lengthy speeches.


Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the
people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
speech now?"


"Friend," said one immigrant to another, "this is a grand country to
settle in. They don't hang you here for murder."

"What do they do to you?" the other immigrant asked.

"They kill you," was the reply, "with elocution."


When Daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to
himself, "Whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking, it won't be
me."


Joseph H. Choate and Chauncey Depew were invited to a dinner. Mr. Choate
was to speak, and it fell to the lot of Mr. Depew to introduce him,
which he did thus: "Gentlemen, permit me to introduce Ambassador Choate,
America's most inveterate after-dinner speaker. All you need to do to
get a speech out of Mr. Choate is to open his mouth, drop in a dinner
and up comes your speech."

Mr. Choate thanked the Senator for his compliment, and then said: "Mr.
Depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a
speech, but I warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of
Senator Depew's speeches up will come your dinners."


Mr. John C. Hackett recently told the following story:

"I was up in Rockland County last summer, and there was a banquet given
at a country hotel. All the farmers were there and all the village
characters. I was asked to make a speech.

"'Now,' said I, with the usual apologetic manner, 'it is not fair to you
that the toastmaster should ask me to speak. I am notorious as the worst
public speaker in the State of New York. My reputation extends from one
end of the state to the other. I have no rival whatever, when it
comes--' I was interrupted by a lanky, ill-clad individual, who had
stuck too close to the beer pitcher.

"'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I take 'ception to what this here man says. He
ain't the worst public speaker in the state. I am. You all know it, an'
I want it made a matter of record that I took 'ception.'

"'Well, my friend,' said I, 'suppose we leave it to the guests. You sit
down while I say my piece, and then I'll sit down and let you give a
demonstration.' The fellow agreed and I went on. I hadn't gone far when
he got up again.

"''S all right,' said he, 'you win; needn't go no farther!'"


Mark Twain and Chauncey M. Depew once went abroad on the same ship. When
the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner.
Speech-making time came. Mark Twain had the first chance. He spoke
twenty minutes and made a great hit. Then it was Mr. Depew's turn.

"Mr. Toastmaster and Ladies and Gentlemen," said the famous raconteur as
he arose, "Before this dinner Mark Twain and myself made an agreement to
trade speeches. He has just delivered my speech, and I thank you for the
pleasant manner in which you received it. I regret to say that I have
lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to
say."

Then he sat down. There was much laughter. Next day an Englishman who
had been in the party came across Mark Twain in the smoking-room. "Mr
Clemens," he said, "I consider you were much imposed upon last night. I
have always heard that Mr. Depew is a clever man, but, really, that
speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal
rot."


_See also_ Orators; Politicians; Public Speakers.




AGE


The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.


"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.

"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm
on the cars I'm four."


"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"

"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.

"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.

"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same
day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."


As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old
they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs
to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua
Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for
more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced
age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an
application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as
he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.

"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.

"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a
hundred an' ten years ole."

"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"

"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere
livin' wif her grandmother."


When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large
eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual
salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added,
"That's an awful age for a girl!"


THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your
age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very
much longer, and I--"

THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were
when I started!"


A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to
a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.

It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next
day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would
the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.

That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of
twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order,
and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:

"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best
customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which
did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's
thirty-one!"


The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the
no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were
together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then
ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.

The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many
years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.
I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little
exercise."

"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have
eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used
tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of
exercise."

With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said,
"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.


A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.


  To the old, long life and treasure;
  To the young, all health and pleasure.

  --_Ben Jonson_.


Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.


We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
count.--_Emerson_.


To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful
than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.




AGENTS


"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"

"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.




AGRICULTURE


A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on
the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his
money in town and spends it on the farm.


In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators
of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during
the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree
that is unknown in the east.

Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was
rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man
came into the house.

"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.

"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along
just the same."

"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next
time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the
land."


  They used to have a farming rule
  Of forty acres and a mule.
  Results were won by later men
  With forty square feet and a hen.
  And nowadays success we see
  With forty inches and a bee.

  --_Wasp_.


Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles
Dudley Warner_.


When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the
founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_.




ALARM CLOCKS


MIKE (in bed, to alarm-clock as it goes off)--"I fooled yez that time. I
was not aslape at all."




ALERTNESS


"Alert?" repeated a congressman, when questioned concerning one of his
political opponents. "Why, he's alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard
of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their
honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides, and buy tickets only
for themselves? That is what happened to the Providence young man. And
when his wife said to him, 'Why, Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he
answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By Jove, you're right, dear!
I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"




ALIBI


A party of Manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban
excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle.
While a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an
"English-speaking" Filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies
how the accident had happened.

"I'm sure I don't know," she replied; "I was asleep when it occurred."

Proud of his knowledge of the Anglo-Saxon tongue, the youth replied:

"Ah, madam, then you will be able to prove a lullaby."




ALIMONY


"What is alimony, ma?"

"It is a man's cash surrender value."--_Town Topics_


The proof of the wedding is in the alimony.




ALLOWANCES


"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"

"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."




ALTERNATIVES


_See_ Choices.




ALTRUISM


WILLIE--"Pa!"

PA--"Yes."

WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others."

PA--"Of course we are."

WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?"


There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a
trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate.
Permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained, and the boy
was lucky enough to have a permit.

One day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly
darted forth from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of
fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper
pursued.

For about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult
chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and
said between pants:

"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?

"Yes to be sure," said the boy, quietly.

"You have? Then show it to me."

The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned
in perplexity and anger.

"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.

"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have none!"




AMBITION


Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and
that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other
ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade
themselves by laughter?"

Yes, Herford had an ambition. A whale of an ambition. Some day he hoped
to gratify it.

The woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her
long, sad hands, and glowed into Mr. Herford's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Herford,"
she said, "Oliver! Tell me about it."

"I want to throw an egg into an electric fan," said Herford, simply.


"Hubby," said the observant wife, "the janitor of these flats is a
bachelor."

"What of it?"

"I really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter."

"There you go again with your pipe dreams! Last week it was a duke."


The chief end of a man in New York is dissipation; in Boston,
conversation.


When you are aspiring to the highest place, it is honorable to reach the
second or even the third rank.--_Cicero_.


  The man who seeks one thing in life, and but one,
  May hope to achieve it before life be done;
  But he who seeks all things, wherever he goes,
  Only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows
  A harvest of barren regrets.

  --_Owen Meredith_




AMERICAN GIRL


  Here's to the dearest
    Of all things on earth.
  (Dearest precisely--
    And yet of full worth.)
  One who lays siege to
    Susceptible hearts.
  (Pocket-books also--
    That's one of her arts!)
  Drink to her, toast her,
    Your banner unfurl--
  Here's to the _priceless_
    American Girl!

  --_Walter Pulitzer_.




AMERICANS


Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
the subject of lynching in the United States.

It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met
death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and
asked:

"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"

"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."

"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half
a dozen voices at once.

"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving
a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter
spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table.
The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once
seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the
injured lady swung him into the air."

"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see
this yourself?"

"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I
happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the
blanc mange."


  You can always tell the English,
  You can always tell the Dutch,
  You can always tell the Yankees--
  But you can't tell them _much!_




AMUSEMENTS


A newspaper thus defined amusements:

The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of
place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements.


  I wish that my room had a floor;
  I don't so much care for a door;
    But this crawling around
    Without touching the ground
  Is getting to be quite a bore.


I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from
vice.--_Samuel Johnson_.




ANATOMY


TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
every battle he fit in!"

JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"

TOMMY--"About forty."


They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first
Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-armed
veteran.

"How did you lose your arm?" he asked.

"Sire, at Austerlitz."

"And were you not decorated?"

"No, sire."

"Then here is my own cross for you; I make you chevalier."

"Your Majesty names me chevalier because I have lost one arm. What would
your Majesty have done had I lost both arms?"

"Oh, in that case I should have made you Officer of the Legion."

Whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his
other arm.

There is no particular reason to doubt this story. The only question is,
how did he do it?




ANCESTRY


A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his
ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the
time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and
affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish. The salesman's
patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him,
he finally observed:

"You have a fine signature, Mr. So-and-So."

"Yes," admitted the buyer, "I should have. One of my forefathers signed
the Declaration of Independence."

"So?" said the caller, with rising inflection. And then he added:

"Vell, you aind't got nottings on me. One of my forefathers signed the
Ten Commandments."


In a speech in the Senate on Hawaiian affairs, Senator Depew of New York
told this story:

When Queen Liliuokalani was in England during the English queen's
jubilee, she was received at Buckingham Palace. In the course of the
remarks that passed between the two queens, the one from the Sandwich
Islands said that she had English blood in her veins.

"How so?" inquired Victoria.

"My ancestors ate Captain Cook."


Signor Marconi, in an interview in Washington, praised American
democracy.

"Over here," he said, "you respect a man for what he is himself--not for
what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in Bologna
who helped me with my first wireless apparatus.

"As my mother's gardener and I were working on my apparatus together a
young count joined us one day, and while he watched us work the count
boasted of his lineage.

"The gardener, after listening a long while, smiled and said:

"'If you come from an ancient family, it's so much the worse for you
sir; for, as we gardeners say, the older the seed the worse the crop.'"


"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do
I cook as well as your mother did?"

Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.

"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that
although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old
and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."


"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"

"That's nothing; my father descended from an aeroplane."--_Life_.


When in England, Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, had luncheon with a
prominent Englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry. Taking a coin
from his pocket, the Englishman said: "My great-great-grandfather was
made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling."
"Indeed!" replied the governor, smiling, as he produced another coin.
"What a coincidence! My great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the
Indian whose picture you see on this cent."


People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to
their ancestors.--_Burke_.


  From yon blue heavens above us bent,
  The gardener Adam and his wife
  Smile at the claims of long descent.

  --_Tennyson_.




ANGER


Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let
not the sun go down upon your wrath."

"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on
your wrath?"

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

"Well, how can _I_ stop it?"


When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's.


It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
bigger.




ANNIVERSARIES


MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?"

MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two
presents."




ANTIDOTES


"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to
the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of
oxalic acid, what would you administer?"

The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry because it
was obligatory in the course, replied, "I would administer the
sacrament."




APPEARANCES


"How fat and well your little boy looks."

"Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one
side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other."




APPLAUSE


A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour,
finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was
no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough
hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits. The leading man
stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly.
Still the clapping continued.

When he went behind the scenes he saw an Irish stagehand laughing
heartily. "Well, what do you think of that?" asked the actor, throwing
out his chest.

"What d'ye mane?" replied the Irishman.

"Why, the hand-clapping out there," was the reply.

"Hand-clapping?"

"Yes," said the Thespian, "they are giving me enough applause to show
they appreciate me."

"D'ye call thot applause?" inquired the old fellow. "Whoi, thot's not
applause. Thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes."


Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
ones.--_Colton_.


O Popular Applause! what heart of man is proof against thy sweet,
seducing charms?--_Cowper_.




ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL


A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim
details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:

"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop
it?"

"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.

"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.

"They did," said he. "They did, 'way back in June. That's how the
gol-durned thing started."




ARITHMETIC


"He seems to be very clever."

"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work
out at school."


SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic."

POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball
scores and batting averages? Never!"


TEACHER--"Now, Johnny, suppose I should borrow $100 from your father and
should pay him $10 a month for ten months, how much would I then owe
him?"

JOHNNY--"About $3 interest."


"See how I can count, mama," said Kitty. "There's my right foot. That's
one. There's my left foot. That's two. Two and one make three. Three
feet make a yard, and I want to go out and play in it!"


"Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had
an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician," said
George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. "Finally the captain of their ship
proposed the following problem which each would try to work out: 'If a
fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port
and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the
fish?'

"Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to
master the intricacies of the deal in fish, and they were unable to get
any answer.

"At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the
problem. The captain started off: 'If a fishing crew caught 500 pounds
of cod and--.'

"'Wait a moment,' said Bill, 'is it codfish they caught?'

"'Yep,' said the captain.

"'Darn it all,' said Bill. 'No wonder I couldn't get an answer. Here
I've been figuring on salmon all the time.'"




ARMIES


A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned
his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie
from the canteen.

As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress
uniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major
stopped and said:

"What's that you have there?"

"Pie," said the sentry, good-naturedly. "Apple pie. Have a bite?"

The major frowned.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," said the sentry, "unless you're the major's groom."

The major shook his head.

"Guess again," he growled.

"The barber from the village?"

"No."

"Maybe"--here the sentry laughed--"maybe you're the major himself?"

"That's right. I am the major," was the stern reply.

The sentry scrambled to his feet.

"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Hold the pie, will you, while I present
arms!"


The battle was going against him. The commander-in-chief, himself ruler
of the South American republic, sent an aide to the rear, ordering
General Blanco to bring up his regiment at once. Ten minutes passed; but
it didn't come. Twenty, thirty, and an hour--still no regiment. The aide
came tearing back hatless, breathless.

"My regiment! My regiment! Where is it? Where is it?" shrieked the
commander.

"General," answered the excited aide, "Blanco started it all right, but
there are a couple of drunken Americans down the road and they won't let
it go by."


An army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing
their duty. He was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following:

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Friend--with a bottle."

"Pass, friend. Halt, bottle."


"A war is a fearful thing," said Mr. Dolan.

"It is," replied Mr. Rafferty. "When you see the fierceness of members
of the army toward one another, the fate of a common enemy must be
horrible."


_See also_ Military Discipline.




ARMY RATIONS


The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a
private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something.
His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest
effort.

"What are you eating?" demanded the colonel.

"Persimmons, sir."

"Good Heavens! Haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at
this time of the year? They'll pucker the very stomach out of you."

"I know, sir. That's why I'm eatin' 'em. I'm tryin' to shrink me stomach
to fit me rations."


On the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia, one of
the soldiers, a clerk who lived well at home, was experiencing much
difficulty in disposing of his rations.

A fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first
soldier's attempts to Fletcherize a piece of meat. "Any trouble, Tom?"
asked the second soldier sarcastically.

"None in particular," was the response. Then, after a sullen survey of
the bit of beef he held in his hand, the amateur fighter observed:

"Bill, I now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the
sinews of war."--_Howard Morse_.




ART


  There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
  Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
    He carved Aphrodite
    Without any nightie--
  Which startled the purely fastidious.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


The friend had dropped in to see D'Auber, the great animal painter, put
the finishing touches on his latest painting. He was mystified, however,
when D'Auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the
painted rabbit in the foreground.

"Why on earth did you do that?" he asked.

"Why you see," explained D'Auber, "Mrs Millions is coming to see this
picture today. When she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit, and get
excited over it, she'll buy it on the spot."


A young artist once persuaded Whistler to come and view his latest
effort. The two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence.
Finally the young man asked timidly, "Don't you think, sir, that this
painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable?"

Whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously.

"What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?" he asked.


The amateur artist was painting sunset, red with blue streaks and green
dots.

The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching.

"Ah," said the artist looking up suddenly, "perhaps to you, too, Nature
has opened her sky picture page by page! Have you seen the lambent flame
of dawn leaping across the livid east; the red-stained, sulphurous
islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at
midnight, black as a raven's wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?"

"No," replied the rustic, "not since I give up drink."


Art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life.--_Jean Paul Richter_.


Now nature is not at variance with art, nor art with nature; they being
both the servants of His providence. Art is the perfection of nature.
Were the world now as it was the sixth day, there were yet a chaos.
Nature hath made one world, and art another. In brief, all things are
artificial; for nature is the art of God.--_Sir Thomas Browne_.




ARTISTS


ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose."

CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?"


"Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher.

"Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at the dear old factory
than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my
picture-gallery."


CRITIC--"By George, old chap, when I look at one of your paintings I
stand and wonder--"

ARTIST--"How I do it?"

CRITIC "No; why you do it."


He that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius: as he
must needs paint for other minds, and not for his own.--_Mrs. Jameson_.




ATHLETES


The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
on the desk of Mr. Billups.

"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.

"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College."

"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.

"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running
up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and
throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation
that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written
for an extra check."

"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the
caller.

"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the
hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
value."--_J.K.B_.




ATTENTION


The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking
in observation.

To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the
board."

Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three.

He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote
sixty-seven.

When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no
attention called out:

"Theventy-theven. Change _that_ you thucker!"




AUTHORS


The following is a recipe for an author:

  Take the usual number of fingers,
  Add paper, manila or white,
  A typewriter, plenty of postage
  And something or other to write.

  --_Life_.


Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon mots_ exclaimed: "Oh,
Jimmy; I wish I had said that!" "Never mind, dear Oscar," was the
rejoinder, "you will!"


THE AUTHOR--"Would you advise me to get out a small edition?"

THE PUBLISHER--"Yes, the smaller the better. The more scarce a book is
at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from
it."


AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"Hurray! Five dollars for my latest story, 'The Call
of the Lure!'"

FAST FRIEND--"Who from?"

AMBITIOUS AUTHOR--"The express company. They lost it."


A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in
persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in
receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he
could--three authors, to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was
going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he
found one of the servants asleep on a settee.

"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this
mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the
keyhole."


An ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had
decided to write a book.

"May I venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to
write?" asked the publisher, very politely.

"Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame, "I
think of doing something on the line of 'Les Miserables,' only livelier,
you know."


"So you have had a long siege of nervous prostration?" we say to the
haggard author. "What caused it? Overwork?"

"In a way, yes," he answers weakly. "I tried to do a novel with a Robert
W. Chambers hero and a Mary E. Wilkins heroine."--_Life_.


Mark Twain at a dinner at the Authors' Club said: "Speaking of fresh
eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I
went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon.
The town seemed very poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the people
knew anything at all about what was in store for them. So I turned in at
the general store. 'Good afternoon, friend,' I said to the general
storekeeper. 'Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while
away his evening?' The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerels,
straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said: 'I expect
there's goin' to be a lecture. I've been sellin' eggs all day."


An American friend of Edmond Rostand says that the great dramatist once
told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a
town not far from his own.

It appears that Rostand had been asked to register the birth of a
friend's newly arrived son. The clerk at the registry office was an
officious little chap, bent on carrying out the letter of the law. The
following dialogue ensued:

"Your name, sir?"

"Edmond Rostand."

"Vocation?"

"Man of letters, and member of the French Academy."

"Very well, sir. You must sign your name. Can you write? If not, you may
make a cross."--_Howard Morse_.


George W. Cable, the southern writer, was visiting a western city where
he was invited to inspect the new free library. The librarian conducted
the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the
department of books devoted to fiction.

"We have all your books, Mr. Cable," proudly said the librarian. "You
see there they are--all of them on the shelves there: not one missing."

And Mr. Cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian
thought!


Brief History of a Successful Author: From ink-pots to flesh-pots--_R.R.
Kirk_.


"It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories."

"I suppose you gave it up then?"

"No, no. By that time I had a reputation."


"I dream my stories," said Hicks, the author.

"How you must dread going to bed!" exclaimed Cynicus.


The five-year-old son of James Oppenheim, author of "The Olympian," was
recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man. "Oh,"
Ralph replied, "I'm not going to work at all." "Well, what are you going
to do, then?" he was asked. "Why," he said seriously, "I'm just going to
write stories, like daddy."


William Dean Howells is the kindliest of critics, but now and then some
popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little.

"You know," said one, fishing for compliments, "I get richer and richer,
but all the same I think my work is falling off. My new work is not so
good as my old."

"Oh, nonsense!" said Mr. Howells. "You write just as well as you ever
did. Your taste is improving, that's all."


James Oliver Curwood, a novelist, tells of a recent encounter with the
law. The value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain
legal situation which he found difficult to manage. Going to a lawyer of
his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired
end. "You've saved me just $100," he exclaimed, "for that's what I am
going to get for this story."

A week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows: "For
literary advice, $100." He says he paid.


"Tried to skin me, that scribbler did!"

"What did he want?"

"Wanted to get out a book jointly, he to write the book and I to write
the advertisements. I turned him down. I wasn't going to do all the
literary work."


At a London dinner recently the conversation turned to the various
methods of working employed by literary geniuses. Among the examples
cited was that of a well-known poet, who, it is said, was wont to arouse
his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim, "Maria, get up;
I've thought of a good word!" Whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate
would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word.

About an hour later, like as not, a new inspiration would seize the
bard, whereupon he would again arouse his wife, saying, "Maria, Maria,
get up! I've thought of a better word!"

The company in general listened to the story with admiration, but a
merry-eyed American girl remarked: "Well, if he'd been my husband I
should have replied, 'Alpheus, get up yourself; I've thought of a bad
word!'"


"There is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so
much from critics and publishers in this."--_Bovee_.


  A thought upon my forehead,
     My hand up to my face;
  I want to be an author,
     An air of studied grace!
  I want to be an author,
    With genius on my brow;
  I want to be an author,
    And I want to be it now!

  --_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.


That writer does the most, who gives his reader the most knowledge, and
takes from him the least time.--_C.C. Colton_.


  Habits of close attention, thinking heads,
  Become more rare as dissipation spreads,
  Till authors hear at length one general cry
  Tickle and entertain us, or we die!

  --_Cowper_.


The author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother
who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_.




AUTOMOBILES


TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
thousand?"

BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."


"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.

"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
generally."


"What is the name of your automobile?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"

"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
Limit.'"--_Life_.


"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.

Willie waved his hand frantically.

"Well, Willie?"

"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"


"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"

"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
machine."


A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.

The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:

"A dollar for the car!"

The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:

"Sold!"


Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.


_See also_ Fords; Profanity.




AUTOMOBILING


"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."

"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to
come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an
hour."

"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here
parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you
ottermobile fellers live up to it."


Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It
was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them
$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of
England.


"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the
automobile."

"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.

"And she accepted him in the hospital."


"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said
the visitor.

"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you
reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a
mortgage with the money I made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."


The old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town
when a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly
frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and
waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice.

The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past.

"That's all right," said the boy, who remained composedly in the
carriage, "I can manage the horse. You just lead Mother past."


"What makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile
signal?"

"For humane reasons." replied Mr. Chugging. "If I can paralyze a person
with fear he will keep still and I can run to one side of him."


In certain sections of West Virginia there is no liking for
automobilists, as was evidenced in the case of a Washingtonian who was
motoring in a sparsely settled region of the State.

This gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of
a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was not, however,
absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too
fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the
rate of only six miles an hour.

"Why, your Honor," he said, "my engine was out of order, and I was going
very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I give
you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running."

"Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don't appear to
have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you must have
been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be here. I fine you ten
dollars for loitering."--_Fenimore Martin_.




AVIATION


The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his
airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to
go down again."

"What's wrong?" asked her husband.

"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I
think I can see it glistening on the ground."

"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."


AVIATOR (to young assistant, who has begun to be frightened)--"Well,
what do you want now?"

ASSISTANT (whimpering)--"I want the earth."--_Abbie C. Dixon_.


When Claude Grahame-White the famous aviator, author of "The Aeroplane
in War," was in this country not long ago, he was spending a week-end at
a country home. He tells the following story of an incident that was
very amusing to him.

"The first night that I arrived, a dinner party was given. Feeling very
enthusiastic over the recent flights, I began to tell the young woman
who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation
sport.

"It was not until the dessert was brought on that I realized that I had
been doing all the talking; indeed, the young woman seated next me had
not uttered a single word since I first began talking about aviation.
Perhaps she was not interested in the subject, I thought, although to an
enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible.

"'I am afraid I have been boring you with this shop talk," I said,
feeling as if I should apologize.

"'Oh, not at all,' she murmured, in very polite tones; 'but would you
mind telling me, what is aviation?'"--_M.A. Hitchcock_.




AVIATORS


  Little drops in water--
  Little drops on land--
  Make the aviator,
  Join the heavenly band.

  --_Satire_.


"Are you an experienced aviator?"

"Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_.




BABIES


_See_ Children.




BACCALAUREATE SERMONS


PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an
honor to the family."

VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to
try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon."




BACTERIA


  There once were some learned M.D.'s,
  Who captured some germs of disease,
    And infected a train
    Which, without causing pain,
  Allowed one to catch it with ease.


Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital.

"Well," said the first, "what's new this morning?"

"I've got a most curious case. Woman, cross-eyed; in fact, so cross-eyed
that when she cries the tears run down her back."

"What are you doing for her?"

"Just now," was the answer, "we're treating her for bacteria."




BADGES


Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance
society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room
and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her
maid. "I have forgotten it. You will know it, Addie--blue ribbon and
gold lettering."

"Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew a
blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had not
trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her
mistress.

At the meeting Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note
that they smiled when they shook hands with her. When she reached home
supper was served, so she went directly to the dining-room, where the
other members of the family were seated.

"Gracious me, Mother!" exclaimed her son: "that blue ribbon--you haven't
been wearing that at the temperance meeting?"

A loud laugh went up on all sides.

"Why, what is it, Harry?" asked the good woman, clutching at the ribbon
in surprise.

"Why, Mother dear, didn't you know that was the ribbon I won at the
show?"

The gold lettering on the ribbon read:

  INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW
  First Prize Bantam




BAGGAGE


An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had
done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first
greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther,
you are not lookin' weel. Is there anything the matter?" The old man
replied, "Aye, lad, I have had quite an accident." "What was that,
feyther?" "Mon," he said, "on this journey frae bonnie Scotland I lost
my luggage." "Dear, dear, that's too bad; 'oo did it happen?" "Aweel"
replied the Aberdonian, "the cork cam' oot."


Johnnie Poe, one of the famous Princeton football family, and
incidentally a great-nephew of Edgar Allan Poe, was a general in the
army of Honduras in one of their recent wars. Finally, when things began
to look black with peace and the American general discovered that his
princely pay when translated into United States money was about sixty
cents a day, he struck for the coast. There he found a United States
warship and asked transportation home.

"Sure," the commander told him. "We'll be glad to have you. Come aboard
whenever you like and bring your luggage."

"Thanks," said Poe warmly. "I'll sure do that. I only have fifty-four
pieces."

"What!" exclaimed the commander. "What do you think I'm running? A
freighter?"

"Oh, well, you needn't get excited about it," purred Poe. "My fifty-four
pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards."




BALDNESS


One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way
of dressing the hair was at work on the job.

Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap,
watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers would slide
over the smooth and glossy pate which is Father's.

"No waves for you, Father," remarked the little one. "You're all beach."


"Were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized?" asked the
sentimentalist.

"Yes," replied the practical person. "When my mother used to cut my hair
I often wished I might be bald-headed."


Congressman Longworth is not gifted with much hair, his head being about
as shiny as a billiard ball.

One day ex-president Taft, then Secretary of War, and Congressman
Longworth sallied into a barbershop.

"Hair cut?" asked the barber of Longworth.

"Yes," answered the Congressman.

"Oh, no, Nick," commented the Secretary of War from the next chair, "you
don't want a hair cut; you want a shine."


"O, Mother, why are the men in the front baldheaded?"

"They bought their tickets from scalpers, my child."


The costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was
mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief.

"And what can I do for you?" he asked.

"I want a little help in the way of a suggestion," said the old fellow.
"I intend going to the French Students' masquerade ball to-night, and I
want a distinctly original costume--something I may be sure no one else
will wear. What would you suggest?"

The costumer looked him over attentively, bestowing special notice on
the gleaming knob.

"Well, I'll tell you," he said then, thoughtfully: "why don't you sugar
your head and go as a pill?"--_Frank X. Finnegan_.


United States Senator Ollie James, of Kentucky, is bald.

"Does being bald bother you much?" a candid friend asked him once.

"Yes, a little," answered the truthful James.

"I suppose you feel the cold severely in winter," went on the friend.

"No; it's not that so much," said the Senator. "The main bother is when
I'm washing myself--unless I keep my hat on I don't know where my face
stops."


A near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party, one evening, had for her
companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman. While talking to
the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously. The
bald-headed gentleman, in stooping to pick it up, touched her arm. The
old lady turned around, shook her head, and very politely said: "No
melon, thank you."




BANKS AND BANKING


During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money.
He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using
cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.

The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At
last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute
explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the
farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now
how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"

"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my
baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."


She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for
fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband
and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first
endorse it.

"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.

"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so
that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid
you the money."

"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.... One minute elapses.

Thus the "endorsement": "Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your
loving wife, Evelyn."


FRIEND--"So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the
bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?"

BANKER--"Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to
do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come
into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?"--_Puck_.




BAPTISM


A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern
Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but
fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted
their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained
sitting.

"Don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson."

"Whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow, Brudder Jones?"

"Over yander to the Methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad."

"Brudder Jones, yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned."--_Life_.




BAPTISTS


An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist
and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for
his church travels he responded:

"Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I couldn't
keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church. De Methodis', dey always
holdin' inquiry meetin', and I don't like too much inquirin' into. But
de Baptis', suh, dey jes' dip and are done wid hit."


A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob de
Lohd." "I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation. "Whar'd yoh
jine?" asked the exhorter. "In de Baptis' Chu'ch." "Why, chile," said
the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in de navy."




BARGAINS


MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out
want?"

SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department."


"Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and
endless bargain counter and I looking on without a cent."


Newell Dwight Hillis, the now famous New York preacher and author, some
years ago took charge of the First Presbyterian Church of Evanston,
Illinois. Shortly after going there he required the services of a
physician, and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a
doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story, but who
attended church very rarely. He proved very satisfactory to the young
preacher, but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill.
Finally Dr. Hillis, becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make
in his modest stipend, went to the physician and said, "See here,
Doctor, I must know how much I owe you."

After some urging, the physician replied: "Well, I'll tell you what I'll
do with you, Hillis. They say you're a pretty good preacher, and you
seem to think I am a fair doctor, so I'll make this bargain with you.
I'll do all I can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to
keep me out of hell, and it won't cost either of us a cent. Is it a go?"


"My wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines. By
taking three you get a discount."

"How are you making out?"

"Well, we can get one that I don't want, and one that she doesn't want,
and one that neither wants for $2.25."




BASEBALL


A run in time saves the nine.


Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
whittler.--_Abe Martin_.


"Plague take that girl!"

"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."

"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."


When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools,
had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him
with the evil of his ways.

"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to
play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.

"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players
and pitch in the big leagues."




BATHS AND BATHING


The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in
connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next
morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready
to check out.

"Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked.

"No, I didn't," replied the Kansan. "The room was all right, and the bed
was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much for I was afraid some
one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my
room."


RURAL CONSTABLE-"Now then, come out o' that. Bathing's not allowed 'ere
after 8 a.m."

THE FACE IN THE WATER-"Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only
drowning."--_Punch_.


A woman and her brother lived alone in the Scotch Highlands. She knitted
gloves and garments to sell in the Lowland towns. Once when she was
starting out to market her wares, her brother said he would go with her
and take a dip in the ocean. While the woman was in the town selling
her work, Sandy was sporting in the waves. When his sister came down to
join him, however, he met her with a wry face. "Oh, Kirstie," he said,
"I've lost me weskit." They hunted high and low, but finally as night
settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea.

The next year, at about the same season, the two again visited the town.
And while Kirstie sold her wool in the town, Sandy splashed about in the
brine. When Kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant
face, and he cried out to her, "Oh, Kirstie, I've found me weskit. 'Twas
under me shirt."


In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
were deputed to strip and wash him.

The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
large cakes of white soap.

After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
saluted his officer and said disconsolately:

"It's no use, sir. It's no use."

"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that
Afghan yet?"

"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two
hours, but it's no use."

"How do you mean it's no use?" said the officer angrily.

"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till
our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of
clothes."




BAZARS


Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going
along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his
pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money.

The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of remorse. "It's
pretty rough to be gone through like this, ain't it, sir?" he inquired.

"Oh, that's all right, my man," the "held-up" one answered cheerfully.
"I was on my way to a bazar. You're first, and there's an end of it."




BEARDS


  There was an old man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!--
    Two owls and a hen,
    Four larks and a wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard."




BEAUTY


  If eyes were made for seeing,
  Then beauty is its own excuse for being.

  --Emerson.


  A thing of beauty is a joy forever;
  Its loveliness increases; it will never
  Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
  A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
  Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.




BEAUTY, PERSONAL


  In good looks I am not a star.
  There are others more lovely by far.
    But my face--I don't mind it,
    Because I'm behind it--
  It's the people in front that I jar.


"Shine yer boots, sir?"

"No," snapped the man.

"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack.

"No, I tell you!"

"Coward," hissed the bootblack.


A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the
house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he
asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a
chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."

The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.

"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o'
night?"

Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."

"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took
a lantern when I courted your mistress."

"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't,
zur."


The senator and the major were walking up the avenue. The senator was
more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat, and, dearly as the
major loved him, he also loved his joke.

The senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance
and said, "Major, did you see that pretty girl smile at me?"

"Oh, that's nothing," replied his friend. "The first time I saw you I
laughed out loud!"--_Harper's Magazine_.


Pat, thinking to enliven the party, stated, with watch in hand: "I'll
presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within
the next three minutes."

The time expired, Pat announced: "Ah, Mrs. McGuire, you get the prize."

"But," protested Mrs. McGuire, "go way wid ye! I wasn't playin' at all."


ARTHUR--"They say dear, that people who live together get to look
alike."

KATE--"Then you must consider my refusal as final."


In the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal
couple were riding--a very light, rather good looking colored girl and a
typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type, with receding
forehead, protruding eyes, broad, flat nose very thick lips and almost
no chin. He was positively and aggressively ugly.

They had been married just before boarding the train and, like a good
many of their white brothers and sisters, were very much interested in
each other, regardless of the amusement of their neighbors. After
various "billings and cooings" the man sank down in the seat and,
resting his head on the lady's shoulder, looked soulfully up into her
eyes.

She looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently,
"Laws, honey, ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some?"


  Little dabs of powder,
    Little specks of paint,
  Make my lady's freckles
    Look as if they ain't.

  --_Mary A. Fairchild_.


  He kissed her on the cheek,
    It seemed a harmless frolic;
  He's been laid up a week
    They say, with painter's colic.

  --_The Christian Register_.


MOTHER (to inquisitive child)--"Stand aside. Don't you see the gentleman
wants to take the lady's picture?"

"Why does he want to?"--_Life_.


One day, while walking with a friend in San Francisco, a professor and
his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the
handsomer man of the two. Not being able to arrive at a settlement of
the question, they agreed, in a spirit of fun, to leave it to the
decision of a Chinaman who was seen approaching them. The matter being
laid before him, the Oriental considered long and carefully; then he
announced in a tone of finality, "Both are worse."


"What a homely woman!"

"Sir, that is my wife. I'll have you understand it is a woman's
privilege to be homely."

"Gee, then she abused the privilege."


Beauty is worse than wine; it intoxicates both the holder and the
beholder.--_Zimmermann_.




BEDS


A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the
inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the
country.

Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was
to make a speech the following day, he found that the so-called hotel
was crowded to the doors. Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the
politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could.
Accordingly, he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which
had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the politician is an
extremely fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.

"How did you sleep?" asked a friend in the morning.

"Fairly well," answered the fat man, "but I looked like a waffle when I
got up."




BEER


  A man to whom illness was chronic,
  When told that he needed a tonic,
    Said, "O Doctor dear,
    Won't you please make it beer?"
  "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic."




BEES


TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?"

TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!"




BEETLES


  Now doth the frisky June Bug
    Bring forth his aeroplane,
  And try to make a record,
    And busticate his brain!

  He bings against the mirror,
    He bangs against the door,
  He caroms on the ceiling,
    And turtles on the floor!

  He soars aloft, erratic,
    He lands upon my neck,
  And makes me creep and shiver,
    A neurasthenic wreck!

  --_Charles Irvin Junkin_.




BEGGING


THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you
married?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers
for support if I had a wife?"


MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"

BOY--"Well, if I had a nice high hat like yours I wouldn't want it
soaked with snowballs."


MILLIONAIRE (to ragged beggar)--"You ask alms and do not even take your
hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?"

BEGGAR--"Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the
street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he
naturally takes us for old friends."


Once, while Bishop Talbot, the giant "cowboy bishop," was attending a
meeting of church dignitaries in St. Paul, a tramp accosted a group of
churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid.

"No," one of them told him, "I'm afraid we can't help you. But you see
that big man over there?" pointing to Bishop Talbot.

"Well, he's the youngest bishop of us all, and he's a very generous man.
You might try him."

The tramp approached Bishop Talbot confidently. The others watched with
interest. They saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face. The
bishop was talking eagerly. The tramp looked troubled. And then,
finally, they saw something pass from one hand to the other. The tramp
tried to slink past the group without speaking, but one of them called
to him:

"Well, did you get something from our young brother?"

The tramp grinned sheepishly. "No," he admitted, "I gave him a dollar
for his damned new cathedral at Laramie!"


  To get thine ends, lay bashfulnesse aside;
  Who feares to aske, doth teach to be deny'd.

  --_Herrick_.


  Well, whiles I am a beggar I will rail
  And say, there is no sin but to be rich;
  And being rich, my virtue then shall be
  To say, there is no vice but beggary.

  --_Shakespeare_.


_See also_ Flattery; Millionaires.




BETTING


The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting.

"I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire
twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without
waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that I can."

"Done!" cried a major.

The whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment
tried.

The lieutenant fired.

"Miss," he calmly announced.

A second shot.

"Miss," he repeated.

A third shot.

"Miss."

"Here, there! Hold on!" protested the major. "What are you trying to do?
You're not shooting for the target at all."

"Of course not," admitted the lieutenant. "I'm firing for those cigars."
And he got them.


Two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of New York
City, and, addressing the proprietor by his first name, one of them
said:

"Dr. Charley, we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas. We will have
them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for
them."

As the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance
beverage, the druggist asked them what the wager was.

"Well," said one of them, "our friend George bets that when the tower of
the Singer Building falls, it will topple over toward the North River,
and I bet that it won't."




BIBLE INTERPRETATION


"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's
got?" asked Percy of his governess.

"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"

"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."


"Mr. Preacher," said a white man to a colored minister who was
addressing his congregation, "you are talking about Cain, and you say he
got married in the land of Nod, after he killed Abel. But the Bible
mentions only Adam and Eve as being on earth at that time. Who, then,
did Cain marry?"

The colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt. "Huh!" he said,
"you hear dat, brederen an' sisters? You hear dat fool question I am
axed? Cain, he went to de land o' Nod just as de Good Book tells us, an'
in de land o' Nod Cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an'
marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de
inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de Holy Word."




BIGAMY


  There once was an old man of Lyme.
  Who married three wives at a time:
    When asked, "Why a third?"
    He replied, "One's absurd!
  And bigamy, sir, is a crime."




BILLS


The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to
"When there's a bill we're away."


YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for
dinner?"

OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according to their
menus I make out my bills."


Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired
him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country.
He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of
information as he possessed.

The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be
necessary for you to talk."

When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked
"Extra."

"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.

"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but
when I do I charge for it."--_E. Egbert_.


PATIENT (_angrily_)--"The size of your bill makes my blood boil."

DOCTOR--"Then that will be $20 more for sterilizing your system."


At the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist, five doctors were
in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration.

The sick man overheard the discussion, and, after listening for a few
moments, he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry
chuckle:

"Just send in your bills, gentlemen; that will bring it on at once."


"Thank Heaven, those bills are got rid of," said Bilkins, fervently, as
he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated October 1st.

"All paid, eh?" said Mrs. Bilkins.

"Oh, no," said Bilkins. "The duplicates dated November 1st have come in
and I don't have to keep these any longer."




BIRTHDAYS


When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a
birthday she takes a year off.




BLUFFING


Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a
member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any
money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small
town and said:

"Pass me in, please."

The box-office man gave a loud, harsh laugh.

"Pass you in? What for?" he asked.

The applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily:

"What for? Why, because I am Oliver Goldsmith, author of the play."

"Oh, I beg your pardon, sir," replied the box-office man, as he
hurriedly wrote out an order for a box.




BLUNDERS


An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a
determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to
look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power."

"Yes, ma'am," replied the salesman; "something very strong?"

"Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
which I never want to repeat."

"Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?"

"No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry."


The ship doctor of an English liner notified the death watch steward, an
Irishman, that a man had died in stateroom 45. The usual instructions to
bury the body were given. Some hours later the doctor peeked into the
room and found that the body was still there. He called the Irishman's
attention to the matter and the latter replied:

"I thought you said room 46. I wint to that room and noticed wan of thim
in a bunk. 'Are ye dead?' says I. 'No,' says he, 'but I'm pretty near
dead.'

"So I buried him."


Telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in
consequence. The story is told by a telephone operator in one of the
Boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local
theater.

He got the wrong number and, without asking to whom he was talking, he
said, "Can I get a box for two to-night?"

A startled voice answered him at the other end of the line, "We don't
have boxes for two."

"Isn't this the ---- Theater?" he called crossly.

"Why, no," was the answer, "this is an undertaking shop."

He canceled his order for a "box for two."


A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the
morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.

"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"

"Yep."

"Do you live in this house?"

"Yep."

"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure
up the stairway to the second floor.

"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"

"Yep."

Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a
companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he
came to and pushed the limp figure in.

The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing
through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of
another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"

"Yep," was the feeble reply.

"Do you live in this house, too?"

"Yep."

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor,
where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed
him in.

As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man,
evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to
approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the
street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.

"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's
done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th'
elevator shaf."


  There was a young man from the city,
  Who met what he thought was a kitty;
    He gave it a pat,
    And said, "Nice little cat!"
  And they buried his clothes out of pity.




BOASTING


Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in
the world couldn't if he tried.

"What sort of chap is he?"

"Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell
you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his.'"--_R.R.
Kirk_.


WILLIE--"All the stores closed on the day my uncle died."

TOMMY--"That's nothing. All the banks closed for three
weeks the day after my pa left town."--_Puck_.


Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:

"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that
when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows
he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following
Saturday."

"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.

"Because the barn is so far away from the house."

"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my
father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger
than a city lot!"

"Why, how big is your father's farm?"

"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples
out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back
by their grandchildren."




BONANZAS


A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine
speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing
the subject of his speculation, when one of them said
to this Western member:

"Old chap, as an expert, give us a definition of the term,
'bonanza.'"

"A 'bonanza,'" replied the Western man with emphasis, "is
a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar!"




BOOKKEEPING


Tommy, fourteen years old, arrived home for the holidays,
and at his father's request produced his account book, duly kept
at school. Among the items "S. P. G." figured largely and
frequently. "Darling boy," fondly exclaimed his doting mamma:
"see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries." But
Tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did, and
took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic
letters stood for. Nor was she surprised ultimately to find that
they represented, not the venerable Society for the Propagation
of the Gospel, but "Sundries, Probably Grub."




BOOKS AND READING


LADY PRESIDENT--"What book has helped you most?"

NEW MEMBER--"My husband's check-book."--_Martha Young_.


"You may send me up the complete works of Shakespeare,
Goethe and Emerson--also something to read."


There are three classes of bookbuyers: Collectors, women
and readers.


The owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against
the practice of lending books. To punctuate his advice he
showed his friend the well-stocked shelves. "There!" said he.
"Every one of those books was lent me."


In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature,
the oldest.--_Bulwer-Lytton_.


Learning hath gained most by those books by which the
Printers have lost.--_Fuller_.


  Books should to one of these four ends conduce,
  For wisdom, piety, delight, or use.

  --_Sir John Denham_.


A darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him
as follows:

"What book you done got there, Rastus?"

"'Last Days of Pompeii.'"

"Last days of Pompey? Is Pompey dead? I never heard about it. Now what
did Pompey die of?"

"I don't 'xactly know, but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption."


"I don't know what to give Lizzie for a Christmas present," one chorus
girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to
be made to a third.

"Give her a book," suggested the other.

And the first one replied meditatively, "No, she's got a
book."--_Literary Digest_.




BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING


A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders:

  AS ORDERED                 CORRECT TITLE
  _Lame as a Roble_          _Les Miserables_
  _God's Image in Mud_       _God's Image in Man_
  _Pair of Saucers_          _Paracelsus_
  _Pierre and His Poodle_    _Pierre and His People_


When a customer in a Boston department store asked a clerk for Hichens's
_Bella Donna_, the reply was, "Drug counter, third aisle over."


It was a few days before Christmas in one of New York's large
book-stores.

CLERK--"What is it, please?"

CUSTOMER--"I would like Ibsen's _A Doll's House_."

CLERK--"To cut out?"




BOOKWORMS


"A book-worm," said papa, "is a person who would rather read than eat,
or it is a worm that would rather eat than read."




BOOMERANGS


_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.




BORES


"What kind of a looking man is that chap Gabbleton you just mentioned? I
don't believe I have met him."

"Well, if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks
bored to death, the other is Gabbleton."--_Puck_.


A man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete. He
could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering.


_See_ also Conversation; Husbands; Preaching; Public speakers;
Reformers.




BORROWERS


A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power
in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain
Hotel and said:

"What do you think? I have just received the prize insult of my life. A
paper down in Muncie, Ind., offered me a job."

"Do you call that an insult?"

"Not the job, but the salary. They offered me twelve dollars a week."

"Well," said the friend, "twelve dollars a week is better than nothing."

"Twelve a week--thunder!" exclaimed the old scribe. "I can borrow more
than that right here in Detroit."--_Detroit Free Press_.


One winter morning Henry Clay, finding himself in need of money, went to
the Riggs Bank and asked for the loan of $250 on his personal note. He
was told that while his credit was perfectly good, it was the inflexible
rule of the bank to require an indorser. The great statesman hunted up
Daniel Webster and asked him to indorse the note.

"With pleasure," said Webster. "But I need some money myself. Why not
make your note for five hundred, and you and I will split it?"

This they did. And to-day the note is in the Riggs Bank--unpaid.




BOSSES


The insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell.

"Whom do you wish to see?" asked the careworn person who came to the
door.

"I want to see the boss of the house," replied the insurance agent. "Are
you the boss?"

"No," meekly returned the man who came to the door; "I'm only the
husband of the boss. Step in, I'll call the boss."

The insurance agent took a seat in the hall, and in a short time a tall
dignified woman appeared.

"So you want to see the boss?" repeated the woman. "Well, just step into
the kitchen. This way, please. Bridget, this gentleman desires to see
you."

"Me th' boss!" exclaimed Bridget, when the insurance agent asked her the
question. "Indade Oi'm not! Sure here comes th' boss now."

She pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house.

"Tell me," pleaded the insurance agent, when the lad came into the
kitchen, "are you the boss of the house?"

"Want to see the boss?" asked the boy. "Well, you just come with me."

Wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs. He was ushered into a
room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby.

"There!" exclaimed the boy, "that's the real boss of this house."




BOSTON


A tourist from the east, visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin
in the hills, commented: "And yet you seem so cheerful and happy."
"Yes," replied the one of the pick and shovel. "I spent a week in Boston
once, and no matter what happens to me now, it seems good luck in
comparison."


A little Boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an
angelic appearance in general, came in from an afternoon walk with her
nurse and said to her mother, "Oh, Mamma, a strange woman on the street
said to me, 'My, but ain't you got beautiful hair!'"

The mother smiled, for the compliment was well merited, but she gasped
as the child innocently continued her account:

"I said to her, 'I am very glad to have you like my hair, but I am sorry
to hear you use the word "ain't"!'"--_E. R. Bickford_.


NAN--"That young man from Boston is an interesting talker, so far as you
can understand what he says; but what a queer dialect he uses."

FAN--"That isn't dialect; it's vocabulary. Can't you tell the
difference?"


A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked
the usual questions:

"What is your name, and where are you from?"

The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."

"You may come in," said Peter, "but I know you won't like it."


  There was a young lady from Boston,
  A two-horned dilemma was tossed on,
    As to which was the best,
    To be rich in the west
  Or poor and peculiar in Boston.




BOXING


John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing
lessons.

"Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man
took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear. When
he came around for his second lesson he said: 'Mr Sullivan, it was my
idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain
young gentleman what I've got it in for. But I've changed my mind,' says
he. 'If it's all the same to you, Mr. Sullivan, I'll send this young
gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me.'"




BOYS


A certain island in the West Indies is liable to the periodical advent
of earthquakes. One year before the season of these terrestrial
disturbances, Mr. X., who lived in the danger zone, sent his two sons to
the home of a brother in England, to secure them from the impending
havoc.

Evidently the quiet of the staid English household was disturbed by the
irruption of the two West Indians, for the returning mail steamer
carried a message to Mr. X., brief but emphatic:

"Take back your boys; send me the earthquake."


Aunt Eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew: "Good morning,
Willie. Is your mother in?"

"Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. "D'you s'pose I'd be
workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?"


An iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and
played havoc with the kitchen window. The woman waited, anger in her
eyes, for the appearance of the hoop's owner. Presently he came.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and here's Father to mend
it."

And, sure enough, he was followed by a stolid-looking workman, who at
once started to work, while the small boy took his hoop and ran off.

"That'll be four bits, ma'am," announced the glazier when the window was
whole once more.

"Four bits!" gasped the woman. "But your little boy broke it--the little
fellow with the hoop, you know. You're his father, aren't you?"

The stolid man shook his head.

"Don't know him from Adam," he said. "He came around to my place and
told me his mother wanted her winder fixed. You're his mother, aren't
you?"

And the woman shook her head also.--_Ray Trum Nathan_.


_See also_ Egotism; Employers and employees; Office boys.




BREAKFAST FOODS


Pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of
corn.

"You are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food," interpreted
Joseph.--_Judge_.




BREATH


One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She
asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of
the time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm, when it is a cold day I can see the smoke."


Said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death
statistics: "Do you know, James, every time I breathe a man dies?"

"Then," said James, "why don't you chew cloves?"




BREVITY


An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the
Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down.


A negro servant, on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner
party, was directed to call out in a loud, distinct voice their names.
The first to arrive was the Fitzgerald family, numbering eight persons.
The negro announced Major Fitzgerald, Miss Fitzgerald, Master
Fitzgerald, and so on.

This so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said, "Don't
announce each person like that; say something shorter."

The next to arrive were Mr. and Mrs. Penny and their daughter. The negro
solemnly opened the door and called out, "Thrupence!"


Dr. Abernethy, the famous Scotch surgeon, was a man of few words, but he
once met his match--in a woman. She called at his office in Edinburgh,
one day, with a hand badly inflamed and swollen. The following dialogue,
opened by the doctor, took place.

"Burn?"

"Bruise."

"Poultice."

The next day the woman called, and the dialogue was as follows:

"Better?"

"Worse."

"More poultice."

Two days later the woman made another call.

"Better?"

"Well. Fee?"

"Nothing. Most sensible woman I ever saw."




BRIBERY


A judge, disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement
in a perfectly evident case, rose and said, "I discharge this jury."

One sensitive talesman, indignant at what he considered a rebuke,
obstinately faced the judge.

"You can't discharge me," he said in tones of one standing upon his
rights.

"And why not?" asked the surprised judge.

"Because," announced the juror, pointing to the lawyer for the defense,
"I'm being hired by that man there!"




BRIDES


"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the
dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's
never cream on this milk?"

"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that
the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for
cream on top."


"Do you think only of me?" murmured the bride. "Tell me that you think
only of me."

"It's this way," explained the groom gently. "Now and then I have to
think of the furnace, my dear."




BRIDGE WHIST


"How about the sermon?"

"The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge."

"You don't say! Did he mention any names?"




BROOKLYN


At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?"

"No, I have to."--_Life_.




BRYAN, WILLIAM JENNINGS


Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's
friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so
popular during the election. On being asked the reason for this, Champ
replied: "Oh, that's to keep my watch running."




BUILDINGS


Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York.

"Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the
parish priest.

"Tall buildings ye ask, sur?" replied Pat. "Faith, sur, the last one I
worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass."




BURGLARS


A burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a
good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the
shoulder, and, turning his head, he beheld a venerable, mild-eyed
clergyman gazing sadly at him.

"Oh, my brother," groaned the reverend gentleman, "wouldst thou rob me?
Turn, I beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways. Return those stolen goods
and depart in peace, for I am merciful and forgive. Begone!"

And the burglar, only too thankful at not being given into custody of
the police, obeyed and slunk swiftly off.

Then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another
bag and walked softly (so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates)
out of the house and away into the silent night.




BUSINESS


A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while
cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the
following:

"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you drink yourself?"

"That's _my_ business!" angrily.

Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked: "Have you any other business?"


At the Boston Immigration Station one blank was recently filled out as
follows:

Name--Abraham Cherkowsky.
Born--Yes.
Business--Rotten.




BUSINESS ENTERPRISE


It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One
morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big
sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closing Out at Cost." Twenty
minutes later there appeared over his own door, in larger letters, "Main
Entrance."


In a section of Washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap
restaurants, one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated
letters, "Open All Night." Next to it was a restaurant bearing with
equal prominence the legend:

"We Never Close."

Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little, low-framed, tumbledown
hovel, and upon the front of this building was the sign, in great,
scrawling letters:

"Me wakee, too."


A boy looking for something to do saw the sign "Boy Wanted" hanging
outside of a store in New York. He picked up the sign and entered the
store.

The proprietor met him. "What did you bring that sign in here for?"
asked the storekeeper.

"You won't need it any more," said the boy cheerfully. "I'm going to
take the job."


A Chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning; a tiger had
killed her.

The Chinaman went home, procured some arsenic, and, returning to the
field, sprinkled it over the corpse.

The next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's. The Chinaman
sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin, and its body to a physician to make
fear-cure powders, and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger
wife.


A rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way
home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much
interest.

The brawny smith, dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity, held a piece of
red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him
beat a hasty retreat.

"If you'll give me half a dollar I'll lick it," said the lad.

The smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out.

The simple-looking youngster took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his
pocket and slowly walked away whistling.


"Do you know where Johnny Locke lives, my little boy?" asked a
gentle-voiced old lady.

"He aint home, but if you give me a penny I'll find him for you right
off," replied the lad.

"All right, you're a nice little boy. Now where is he?"

"Thanks--I'm him."


"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,"
would seem to be the principle of the Chinese storekeeper whom a
traveler tells about. The Chinaman asked $2.50 for five pounds of tea,
while he demanded $7.50 for ten pounds of the same brand. His business
philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation: "More buy, more
rich--more rich, more can pay!"


In a New York street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a
truck and many of the globes were smashed. Considerable sympathy was
felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A
benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.

"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss
out of your own pocket?"

"Yep," was the melancholy reply.

"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your
hat--here's a quarter for you; and I dare say some of these other people
will give you a helping hand too."

The driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins
in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the
contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating
figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he
observed: "Say, maybe he ain't the wise guy! That's me boss!"




BUSINESS ETHICS


"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay
your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it ain't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."




BUSINESS WOMEN


Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.




CAMPAIGNS


_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.




CAMPING


Camp life is just one canned thing after another.




CANDIDATES


"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a
candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak,"
said Private John Allen recently to some friends at the old Metropolitan
Hotel in Washington.

"An old darky came up to greet me after the meeting. 'Marse Allen,' he
said, 'I's powerful glad to see you. I's known ob you sense you was a
babby. Knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn, too. He used to hold
de same office you got now. I 'members how he held dat same office fo'
years an' years.'

"'What office do you mean, uncle?' I asked, as I never knew pop held any
office.

"'Why, de office ob candidate, Marse John; yoh pappy was candidate fo'
many years.'"


A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down
in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had
known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring
where he was going.

"I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de
Lord."

"Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance.

"No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian."

"Maybe you are a Baptist?"

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's ever been buried wid de Lord in de waters
of baptism."

"Oh, I see you are a Methodist."

"No, sah, I can't say dat I's one of dose who hold to argyments of de
faith of de Medodists."

"What are you, then, uncle?"

"I's a Presbyterian, Marse Zeb, just de same as you is."

"Oh nonsense, uncle, you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the
articles of the Presbyterian faith?"

"'Deed I do sah."

"Do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved?"

"Yas, sah, I b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and
un'quivactin'ly."

"Well then tell me do you believe that I am elected to be saved?"

The old darky hesitated. There was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going
on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the
Senator. Finally he compromised by saying:

"Well, I'll tell you how it is, Marse Zeb. You see I's never heard of
anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate. Has
you, sah?"


A political office in a small town was vacant. The office paid $250 a
year and there was keen competition for it. One of the candidates,
Ezekiel Hicks, was a shrewd old fellow, and a neat campaign fund was
turned over to him. To the astonishment of all, however, he was
defeated.

"I can't account for it," said one of the leaders of Hicks' party,
gloomily.

"With that money we should have won. How did you lay it out, Ezekiel."

"Well," said Ezekiel, slowly pulling his whiskers, "yer see that office
only pays $250 a year salary, an' I didn't see no sense in paying $900
out to get the office, so I bought a little truck farm instead."


The little daughter of a Democratic candidate for a local office in
Saratoga County, New York, when told that her father had got the
nomination, cried out, "Oh, mama, do they ever die of it?"


"I am willing," said the candidate, after he had hit the table a
terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people."

"Gee!" yelled a little man in the audience. "I wish you'd open a
grocery."


"Now, Mr. Blank," said a temperance advocate to a candidate for
municipal honors, "I want to ask you a question. Do you ever take
alcoholic drinks?"

"Before I answer the question," responded the wary candidate,

"I want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation!"


_See also_ Politicians.




CANNING AND PRESERVING


  A canner, exceedingly canny,
  One morning remarked to his granny,
    "A canner can can
    Anything that he can;
  But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

  --Carolyn Wells.




CAPITALISTS


Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop
Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit
utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike, a capitalist of Fond du
Lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak. The bishop gave
him the floor, and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon
captains of industry, upon the good they do by giving men work, by
booming the country, by reducing the cost of production, and so forth.
When the capitalist had finished his self-praise and, flushed and
satisfied, had sat down again, Bishop Grafton rose and said with quiet
significance: 'Is there any other sinner that would like to say a
word?'"




CAREFULNESS


Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the
Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the
butler admitted him he said to Dugan:

"You are requested to be careful of the floors. They have just been
polished."

"They's no danger iv me slippin' on thim," replied Dugan. "I hov spikes
in me shoes."--_Lippincott's_.




CARPENTERS


While building a house, Senator Platt of Connecticut had occasion to
employ a carpenter. One of the applicants was a plain Connecticut
Yankee, without any frills.

"You thoroughly understand carpentry?" asked the senator.

"Yes, sir."

"You can make doors, windows, and blinds?"

"Oh, yes sir!"

"How would you make a Venetian blind?"

The man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds. "I
should think, sir," he said finally, "about the best way would be to
punch him in the eye."




CARVING


To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is
carving):

  May one give us peace in all our States,
  And the other a piece for all our plates.




CASTE


In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old
style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and
other musicians on a platform at one end.

At one such dance held not long ago in an Alabama town, when the
fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the
platform, the floor manager rose.

"Git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance!" he yelled. "All you ladies an'
gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's, take yo' places in de middle
of de room. All you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no
stockin's, take yo' places immejitly behim' dem. An' yo' barfooted
crowd, you jes' jig it roun' in de corners."--_Taylor Edwards_.




CATS


  There was a young lady whose dream
  Was to feed a black cat on whipt cream,
    But the cat with a bound
    Spilt the milk on the ground,
  So she fed a whipt cat on black cream.


  There once were two cats in Kilkenny,
  And each cat thought that there was one cat too many,
  And they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit,
  'Til instead of two cats--there weren't any.




CAUSE AND EFFECT


Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that
once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the
afternoon that he determined never to do it again.


A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other
morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.

"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.

"What about?"

"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries
or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.


BANKS--"I had a new experience yesterday, one you might call
unaccountable. I ate a hearty dinner, finishing up with a Welsh rabbit,
a mince pie and some lobster a la Newburgh. Then I went to a place of
amusement. I had hardly entered the building before everything swam
before me."

BINKS--"The Welsh rabbit did it."

BUNKS--"No; it was the lobster."

BONKS--"I think it was the mince pie."

BANKS--"No; I have a simpler explanation than that. I never felt better
in my life; I was at the Aquarium."--_Judge_.


Among a party of Bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in
Maine were two college professors. No sooner had the learned gentlemen
arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of
the stove, which was set on posts about four feet high.

This circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity
to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation.

"Now," said he, "this man has discovered that heat emanating from a
stove strikes the roof, and that the circulation is so quickened that
the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the
stove in its regular place on the floor."

But the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated
to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at
night.

The host, being of a practical turn, thought that the stove was set high
in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it.

After much argument, they called the guide and asked why the stove was
in such a position.

The man grinned. "Well, gents," he explained, "when I brought the stove
up the river I lost most of the stove-pipe overboard; so we had to set
the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof."


Jack Barrymore, son of Maurice Barrymore, and himself an actor of some
ability, is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a
little lazy.

He was in San Francisco on the morning of the earthquake. He was thrown
out of bed by one of the shocks, spun around on the floor and left
gasping in a corner. Finally, he got to his feet and rushed for a
bathtub, where he stayed all that day. Next day he ventured out. A
soldier, with a bayonet on his gun, captured Barrymore and compelled him
to pile bricks for two days.

Barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the Lambs' Club in New
York.

"Extraordinary," commented Augustus Thomas, the playwright. "It took a
convulsion of nature to make Jack take a bath, and the United States
Army to make him go to work."




CAUTION


Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds
several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when
he grows up. Approaching an old lady in a Lakewood hotel, he said:

"Can you crack nuts?"

"No, dear," the old lady replied. "I lost all my teeth ages ago."

"Then," requested Master Field, extending two hands full of pecans,
"please hold these while I go and get some more."




CHAMPAGNE


MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?"

BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself.
Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts
instead of wan."


Sir Andrew Clark was Mr. Gladstone's physician, and was known to the
great statesman as a "temperance doctor" who very rarely prescribed
alcohol for his patients. On one occasion he surprised Mr. Gladstone by
recommending him to take some wine. In answer to his illustrious
patient's surprise he said:

"Oh, wine does sometimes help you get through work! For instance, I have
often twenty letters to answer after dinner, and a pint of champagne is
a great help."

"Indeed!" remarked Mr. Gladstone; "does a pint of champagne really help
you to answer the twenty letters?"

"No," Sir Andrew explained; "but when I've had a pint of champagne I
don't care a rap whether I answer them or not."




CHARACTER


The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was,
moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of
his sons:

"Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?"

"No sir. Why was it?"

"Because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit."


They were trying an Irishman, charged with a petty offense, in an
Oklahoma town, when the judge asked: "Have you any one in court who will
vouch for your good character?"

"Yis, your honor," quickly responded the Celt, "there's the sheriff
there."

Whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement.

"Why, your honor," declared he, "I don't even know the man."

"Observe, your honor," said the Irishman, triumphantly, "observe that
I've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't
know me yit! Ain't that a character for ye?"


We must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it
much. People that do not laugh or cry, or take more of anything than is
good for them, or use anything but dictionary-words, are admirable
subjects for biographies. But we don't care most for those flat pattern
flowers that press best in the herbarium.--_O.W. Holmes_.




CHARITY


"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never
sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him."


Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent
banquet said of charity:

"Too many of us, perhaps, misinterpret the meaning of charity as the
master misinterpreted the Scriptural text. This master, a pillar of a
western church, entered in his journal:

"'The Scripture ordains that, if a man take away thy coat, let him have
thy cloak also. To-day, having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes,
I have given him the sack.'"


THE LADY--"Well, I'll give you a dime; not because you deserve it, mind,
but because it pleases me."

THE TRAMP--"Thank you, mum. Couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly
enjoy yourself?"


Porter Emerson came into the office yesterday. He had been out in the
country for a week and was very cheerful. Just as he was leaving, he
said: "Did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all
he had to the orphanage?"

"No," some one answered. "How much did he leave?"

"Twelve children."


"I made a mistake," said Plodding Pete. "I told that man up the road I
needed a little help 'cause I was lookin' for me family from whom I had
been separated fur years."

"Didn't that make him come across?"

"He couldn't see it. He said dat he didn't know my family, but he wasn't
goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em."


"It requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic,"
remarked Sir Thomas Lipton, apropos of Andrew Carnegie's giving. "I
remember when I was just starting in business. I was very poor and
making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop. My only assistant was
a boy of fourteen, faithful and willing and honest. One day I heard him
complaining, and with justice, that his clothes were so shabby that he
was ashamed to go to chapel.

"'There's no chance of my getting a new suit this year,' he told me.
'Dad's out of work, and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent.'

"I thought the matter over, and then took a sovereign from my carefully
hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth. He
was so grateful that I felt repaid for my sacrifice. But the next day he
didn't come to work. I met his mother on the street and asked her the
reason.

"'Why, Mr. Lipton,' she said, curtsying, 'Jimmie looks so respectable,
thanks to you, sir, that I thought I would send him around town today to
see if he couldn't get a better job.'"


"Good morning, ma'am," began the temperance worker. "I'm collecting for
the Inebriates' Home and--"

"Why, me husband's out," replied Mrs. McGuire, "but if ye can find him
anywhere's ye're welcome to him."


Charity is a virtue of the heart, and not of the hands.--_Addison_.


You find people ready enough to do the Samaritan, without the oil and
twopence.--_Sydney Smith_.




CHICAGO


A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen
copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once.

Within two days he received this reply by telegraph:

"No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try Philadelphia."




CHICKEN STEALING


Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of
chickens he considered best, and he replied:

"All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black
ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em."


Ida Black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief
space, on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's
poultry-yard. Her mother was being consoled by a white friend.

"Why, Aunt Easter, I was mighty sorry to hear about Ida--"

"Marse John, Ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens. Ida wouldn't do sich a
thing! Ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and, any
way, dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked
'em."


"Does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens, Br'er
Rastus?"

"Well, Br'er Johnsing, mebbe dey does keep a few."


Henry E. Dixey met a friend one afternoon on Broadway.

"Well, Henry," exclaimed the friend, "you are looking fine! What do they
feed you on?"

"Chicken mostly," replied Dixey. "You see, I am rehearsing in a play
where I am to be a thief, so, just by way of getting into training for
the part I steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook
broil it for me. I have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating
thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days."

"Great Scott!" exclaimed the friend. "Do you still like them?"

"Yes, I do," replied Dixey; "and, what is better still, the chickens
like me. Why they have got so when I sneak into the hen-house they all
begin to cackle, 'I wish I was in Dixey.'"--_A. S. Hitchcock_.


A southerner, hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark
night, took his revolver and went to investigate.

"Who's there?" he sternly demanded, opening the door.

No answer.

"Who's there? Answer, or I'll shoot!"

A trembling voice from the farthest corner:

"'Deed, sah, dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens."


A colored parson, calling upon one of his flock, found the object of his
visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops. He noticed with
surprise that there were no chickens.

"Why, Brudder Brown," he asked, "whar'r all yo' chickens?"

"Huh," grunted Brother Brown without looking up, "some fool niggah lef
de do' open an' dey all went home."




CHILD LABOR


"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!"

"Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours
truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_.




CHILDREN


Two weary parents once advertised:

"WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female,
to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four;
each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children."


Another couple advertised:

"WANTED: A governess who is good stenographer, to take down the clever
sayings of our child."


A boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation, went to
his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before
taking his seat:

    "Dear Sir: Please excuse James for not being present
    yesterday.

    "He played truant, but you needn't whip him for it, as the boy
    he played truant with and him fell out, and he licked James;
    and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him; and
    the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him; and the owner
    of a cat they chased licked him. Then I licked him when he
    came home, after which his father licked him; and I had to
    give him another for being impudent to me for telling his
    father. So you need not lick him until next time.

    "He thinks he will attend regular in future."


MRS. POST--"But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your
own under five years old?"

MRS. PARKER--"My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is
to enjoy."


The neighbors of a certain woman in a New England town maintain that
this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of
children. Local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact
that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage.

Said one neighbor: "She does a lot of funny things. What do you suppose
I heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon?"

"I dunno. What was it?"

"Well, you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a
hay-cutter; and this afternoon as I was goin' by the house I heard her
say:

"'Now, William, you must be a very good boy, for your father has injured
his hand, and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you.'"--_Edwin
Tarrisse_.


Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of
outlived sorrow.--_George Eliot_.


Better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of
children.--_R.H. Dana_.


_See also_ Boys; Families.




CHOICES


William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an
American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government,
was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's
battleships. Among other things that impressed the American was the
vessel's Sunday morning service. It was very well attended, every sailor
not on duty being there. At the conclusion of the service the American
chanced to ask one of the jackies:

"Are you obliged to attend these Sunday morning services?"

"Not exactly obliged to, sir," replied the sailor-man, "but our grog
would be stopped if we didn't, sir."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


A well-known furniture dealer of a Virginia town wanted to give his
faithful negro driver something for Christmas in recognition of his
unfailing good humor in toting out stoves, beds, pianos, etc.

"Dobson," he said, "you have helped me through some pretty tight places
in the last ten years, and I want to give you something as a Christmas
present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy. Which do you
prefer, a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey?"

"Boss," Dobson replied, "Ah burns wood."


A man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the
waiter: "Give me a ham sandwich."

"Yes, sir," said the waiter, reaching for the sandwich; "will you eat it
or take it with you?"

"Both," was the unexpected but obvious reply.




CHOIRS


_See_ Singers.




CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS


While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in
the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time
to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to
stand it longer, he arose and demanded, in a high, penetrating voice,
"Is there a Christian Scientist in this room?"

A woman at the other side of the hall got up and said, "I am a Christian
Scientist."

"Well, then, madam," requested the little man, "would you mind changing
seats with me? I'm sitting in a draft."




CHRISTIANS


At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of
the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him:

"Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?"

"No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink. But then, I am not
a Christian."


A traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon
a cannibal isle hid for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out by
hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes
inland, and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it.
Just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say: "Why in hell did you
play that card?" He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising his
hands, cried:

"Thank God they are Christians!"




CHRISTMAS GIFTS


"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said
his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy."

Freddie read over the list, and then said:

"Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?"

  'Twas the month after Christmas,
  And Santa had flit;
  Came there tidings for father
  Which read: "Please remit!"

  --_R.L.F_.


Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher:

"And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for
Christmas this year?"

"I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year."


  For little children everywhere
    A joyous season still we make;
  We bring our precious gifts to them,
    Even for the dear child Jesus' sake.

  --_Phebe Cary_.


  I will, if you will,
    devote my Christmas giving to the children and the needy,
      reserving only the privilege of, once in a while,
        giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have
          the old charm of being a genuine surprise.

  I will, if you will,
    keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart, and,
      barring out hurry, worry, and competition,
        will consecrate the blessed season, in joy and love,
          to the One whose birth we celebrate.

  --_Jane Porter Williams_.




CHRONOLOGY


TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library
in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'"

ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume."




CHURCH ATTENDANCE


"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night."

"New minister?"

"No it was burned down."


"I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you
are having such small congregations. Is that so?"

"Yes," answered the other girl, "so small that every time our rector
says 'Dearly Beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal!"


"Are you a pillar of the church?"

"No, I'm a flying buttress--I support it from the outside."




CHURCH DISCIPLINE


Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while
sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who
had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He
has taken his punishment into his own hands."




CIRCUS


A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W.
C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing
features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show."

Coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal
attractions a man-eating ape, alleged to be the largest in captivity.
This ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree
in the side-show. Early in the day of the first performance of Coup's
enterprise at a certain Ohio town, a countryman handed the man-eating
ape a piece of tobacco, in the chewing of which the beast evinced the
greatest satisfaction.

The word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco; and the
result was that several plugs were thrown at him. Unhappily, however,
one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper. The man-eating ape bit
it; then, howling with indignation, snapped the chain that bound him to
the tree, and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly
deceived him.

"Lave me at 'im!" yelled the ape. "Lave me at 'im, the dirty villain!
I'll have the rube's loife, or me name ain't Magillicuddy!"

Fortunately for the countryman and for Magillicuddy, too, the man-eating
ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing.


    Willie to the circus went,
    He thought it was immense;
    His little heart went pitter-pat,
    For the excitement was in tents.

    --_Harvard Lampoon_.


A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had hitherto been the
weekly prayer-meeting, was taken by its nurse to the circus for the
first time. When he came home he exclaimed:

"Oh, Mama, if you once went to the circus you'd never, never go to a
prayer-meeting again in all your life."


Johnny, who had been to the circus, was telling his teacher about the
wonderful things he had seen.

"An' teacher," he cried, "they had one big animal they called the
hip--hip--

"Hippopotamus, dear," prompted the teacher.

"I can't just say its name," exclaimed Johnny, "but it looks just like
9,000 pounds of liver."




CIVILIZATION


An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing
airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the
redskins.

On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one
institution when he came upon an Indian lad of seventeen years. The
worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry, which the visitor observed in
silence for some minutes. Then, with the utmost gravity, he asked the
boy:

"Are you civilized?"

The youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work, calmly surveyed his
questioner, and then replied:

"No, are you?"--_Taylor Edwards_.


"My dear, listen to this," exclaimed the elderly English lady to her
husband, on her first visit to the States. She held the hotel menu
almost at arm's length, and spoke in a tone of horror: "'Baked Indian
pudding!' Can it be possible in a civilized country?"


"The path of civilization is paved with tin cans."--_The Philistine_.




CLEANLINESS


"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took
up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one
to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the
renovator of the Augean stables. And the families in this tenement were
almost as hopeless as the tenement itself.

"On one occasion I felt distinctly encouraged, however, since I observed
that the face of one youngster was actually clean.

"'William,' said I, 'your face is fairly clean, but how did you get such
dirty hands?"

"'Washin' me face,' said William."


A woman in one of the factory towns of Massachusetts recently agreed to
take charge of a little girl while her mother, a seamstress, went to
another town for a day's work.

The woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her
contented, and among other things gave her a candy dog, with which she
played happily all day.

At night the dog had disappeared, and the woman inquired whether it had
been lost.

"No, it ain't lost," answered the little girl. "I kept it 'most all day,
but it got so dirty that I was ashamed to look at it; so I et
it."--_Fenimore Martin_.


"How old are you?" once asked Whistler of a London newsboy. "Seven," was
the reply. Whistler insisted that he must be older than that, and
turning to his friend he remarked: "I don't think he could get as dirty
as that in seven years, do you?"


If dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!--_Charles Lamb_.




CLERGY


"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to
question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight
against the Philistines?"

None of the children could tell him.

"Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help them he tapped his jaw with
one finger. "What is this?" he asked.

This jogged their memories, and the class cried in chorus: "The jawbone
of an ass."


All work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson.


Bishop Doane of Albany was at one time rector of an Episcopal church in
Hartford, and Mark Twain, who occasionally attended his services, played
a joke upon him, one Sunday.

"Dr. Doane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed your sermon
this morning. I welcomed it like on old friend. I have, you know, a book
at home containing every word of it."

"You have not," said Dr. Doane.

"I have so."

"Well, send that book to me. I'd like to see it."

"I'll send it," the humorist replied. Next morning he sent an unabridged
dictionary to the rector.


The four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was
put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave her she called her
back.

"Mamma," she said, "I want to see my papa."

"No, dear," her mother replied, "your papa is busy and must not be
disturbed."

"But, mamma," the child persisted, "I want to see my papa."

As before, the mother replied: "No, your papa must not be disturbed."

But the little one came back with a clincher:

"Mamma," she declared solemnly, "I am a sick woman, and I want to see my
minister."


PROFESSOR--"Now, Mr. Jones, assuming you were called to attend a patient
who had swallowed a coin, what would be your method of procedure?"

YOUNG MEDICO--"I'd send for a preacher, sir. They'll get money out of
anyone."


Archbishop Ryan was once accosted on the streets of Baltimore by a man
who knew the archbishop's face, but could not quite place it.

"Now, where in hell have I seen you?" he asked perplexedly.

"From where in hell do you come, sir?"


A Duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially, and
one evening, after the completion of the service, he hurried down the
aisle to station himself at the door.

He noticed a Swedish girl, evidently a servant, so he welcomed her to
the church, and expressed the hope that she would be a regular
attendant. Finally he said if she would be at home some evening during
the week he would call.

"T'ank you," she murmured bashfully, "but ay have a fella."


A minister of a fashionable church in Newark had always left the
greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers, until he read the
newspaper articles in reference to the matter.

"Suppose a reporter should visit our church?" said his wife.

"Wouldn't it be awful?"

"It would," the minister admitted.

The following Sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one
of the free pews. She sat alone and was clearly not a member of the
flock. After the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her
at the door.

"How do you do?" he said, offering his hand, "I am very glad to have you
with us."

"Thank you," replied the young woman.

"I hope we may see you often in our church home," he went on. "We are
always glad to welcome new faces."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you live in this parish?" he asked.

The girl looked blank.

"If you will give me your address my wife and I will call on you some
evening."

"You wouldn't need to go far, sir," said the young woman, "I'm your
cook!"


Bishop Goodsell, of the Methodist Episcopal church, weighs over two
hundred pounds. It was with mingled emotions, therefore that he read the
following in _Zion's Herald_ some time ago:

"The announcement that our New England bishop, Daniel A. Goodsell, has
promised to preach at the Willimantic camp meeting, will give great
pleasure to the hosts of Israel who are looking forward to that feast of
fat things."


It is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the Great Lakes that
clergymen and Indians may travel on its boats for half-fare. A short
time ago an agent of the company was approached by an Indian preacher
from Canada, who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was
entitled to one-half rebate because he was an Indian, and the other half
because he was a clergyman.--_Elgin Burroughs_.


Booker Washington, as all the world knows, believes that the salvation
of his race lies in industry. Thus, if a young man wants to be a
clergyman, he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of
Tuskegee; but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer, his
welcome is warm and hearty.

Dr. Washington, in a recent address in Chicago, said:

"The world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit
comes to me, I am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in
the cotton field who said:

"'De cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, and de sun am so hot, Ah
'clare to goodness Ah believe dis darkey am called to preach.'"


On one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes'
duration--a most unusual thing for him.

Upon the conclusion of his remarks he added: "I regret to inform you,
brethren, that my dog, who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper, this
morning ate that portion of my sermon that I have not delivered. Let us
pray."

After the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a
rule, attended divine service in another parish. Shaking the good man by
the hand he said:

"Doctor, I should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups.
If so I want to get one to give to my minister."


Recipe for a parson:

  To a cupful of negative goodness
    Add the pleasure of giving advice.
  Sift in a peck of dry sermons,
    And flavor with brimstone or ice.

  --_Life_.


A pompous Bishop of Oxford was once stopped on a London street by a
ragged urchin.

"Well, my little man, and what can I do for you?" inquired the
churchman.

"The time o' day, please, your lordship."

With considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece.

"It is exactly half past five, my lad."

"Well," said the boy, setting his feet for a good start, "at 'alf past
six you go to 'ell!"--and he was off like a flash and around the
corner. The bishop, flushed and furious, his watch dangling from its
chain, floundered wildly after him. But as he rounded the corner he ran
plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable Bishop of London.

"Oxford, Oxford," remonstrated that surprised dignitary, "why this
unseemly haste?"

Puffing, blowing, spluttering, the outraged Bishop gasped out:

"That young ragamuffin--I told him it was half past five--he--er--told
me to go to hell at half past six."

"Yes, yes," said the Bishop of London with the suspicion of a twinkle in
his kindly old eyes, "but why such haste? You've got almost an hour."


  Skilful alike with tongue and pen,
  He preached to all men everywhere
  The Gospel of the Golden Rule,
  The New Commandment given to men,
  Thinking the deed, and not the creed,
  Would help us in our utmost need.

  --_Longfellow_.


_See also_ Burglars; Contribution box; Preaching; Resignation.




CLIMATE


In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong
that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance,
for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his
reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.

A brief correspondance ensued.

"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"

"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree
with me."




CLOTHING


One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There,
Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's
really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"

Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.

A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door by a
messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She opened
it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following note:
"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half an
hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return it, as
it is the only one I have?--Mark Twain."


A man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner
waiting for a car. A passing Irishman stopped and watched him with great
interest for two or three minutes; at last he said:

"Well, why don't ye jump?"


"The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story.

"Excuse me," interrupted the would-be-wit; "but can you tell us what the
evening wore on that occasion?"

"I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller. "But if
you must know, I believe it was the close of a summer day."


"See that measuring worm crawling up my skirt!" cried Mrs. Bjenks.
"That's a sign I'm going to have a new dress."

"Well, let him make it for you," growled Mr. Bjenks. "And while he's
about it, have him send a hookworm to do you up the back. I'm tired of
the job."


  Dwellers in huts and in marble halls--
    From Shepherdess up to Queen--
  Cared little for bonnets, and less for shawls,
    And nothing for crinoline.
  But now simplicity's _not_ the rage,
    And it's funny to think how cold
  The dress they wore in the Golden Age
    Would seem in the Age of Gold.

  --_Henry S. Leigh_.


  Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
  But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
  For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

  --_Shakespeare_.




CLUBS


Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement.

"When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every
morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its
members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning."

"Oh, that's all right," replied Ben; "but what about the mornings I
don't get home in time? I belong to a club, too."--_M.A. Hitchcock_.


The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them
wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching
rain, inquired:

"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and
span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the
waiters running all the time?"

"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're
waterproof inside."


One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a
woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next
day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:

"Wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W.
Lyons."




COAL DEALERS


In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal
business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was
converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the
church. One day he asked:

"Why can't you join the church like I did?"

"It's a fine thing for you to belong to the church," replied the younger
brother, "If I join the church who'll weigh the coal?"




COEDUCATION


The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's
rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from
the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I
repeat?"

And a loud, masculine voice in the audience replied: "I will!"




COFFEE


Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He
liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he
one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory
in the house. He had. Bismarck said--"Well, bring it to me; all you
have." The man obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister full of chicory.
"Are you sure this is all you have?" demanded the Chancellor. "Yes, my
lord, every grain." "Then," said Bismarck, keeping the canister by him,
"go now and make me a pot of coffee."




COINS


He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country:
"Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a
souvenir."

"Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have
brought me home one of them Latin quarters I read so much about."




COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS


An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are
requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not
knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves
indebted and not wishing to call, are requested to stay in one place
long enough for us to catch them."


"Sir," said the haughty American to his adhesive tailor, "I object to
this boorish dunning. I would have you know that my great-great-grandfather
was one of the early settlers."

"And yet," sighed the anxious tradesman, "there are people who believe
in heredity."


A retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in
northern Indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of
buggies. The firm wired him:

"Cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment."

"Unable to wait so long," wired back the buggy dealer, "cancel order."


   The saddest words of tongue or pen
   May be perhaps, "It might have been,"
   The sweetest words we know, by heck,
   Are only these "Enclosed find check!"

  --_Minne-Ha-Ha_.




COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING


Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth.

"It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly
upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my
feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle. May I not instruct my Lord
High Treasurer to reimburse you for it?"

"Don't mention it, your Majesty," replied Raleigh. "It only cost two and
six, and I have already sold it to an American collector for eight
thousand pounds."




COLLEGE GRADUATES


"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper
agent.

"No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few
times, but my son will be home from college in June."




COLLEGE STUDENTS


"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled
from college?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats
itself."


WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses.
We haven't made a nickel in two years. The Gas Co.--_Michigan
Gargoyle_.


FRESHMAN--"I have a sliver in my finger."

SOP--"Been scratching your head?"


STUDE--"Do you smoke, professor?"

PROF.--"Why, yes, I'm very fond of a good cigar."

STUDE--"Do you drink, sir?"

PROF.--"Yes, indeed, I enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine."

STUDE--"Gee, it's going to cost me something to pass this
course."--_Cornell Widow_.


Three boys from Yale, Princeton and Harvard were in a room when a lady
entered. The Yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a
chair to the lady; the Princeton boy slowly brought one, and the Harvard
boy deliberately sat down in it.--_Life_.


A college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture
and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he
delighted when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam
down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave.

The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence,
held up his hand:

"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast."


When Rutherford B. Hayes was a student at college it was his custom to
take a walk before breakfast.

One morning two of his student friends went with him. After walking a
short distance they met an old man with a long white beard. Thinking
that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense, the first
one bowed to him very gracefully and said: "Good morning, Father
Abraham."

The next one made a low bow and said: "Good morning, Father Isaac."

Young Hayes then made his bow and said: "Good morning Father Jacob."

The old man looked at them a moment and then said: "Young men, I am
neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob. I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am
out looking for my father's asses, and lo, I have found them."


A western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them
to papers for nothing. His father objected and wrote to the boy that he
was wasting his time. In answer the college lad wrote:

"So, dad, you think I am wasting my time in writing for the local papers
and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes, except for money, is
a fool. I shall act upon Doctor Johnson's suggestion and write for
money. Send me fifty dollars."


The president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that
the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the
institution. Immediately he followed the announcement by reading the
text for the morning: "Lord, how are they increased that trouble me!"


STUDE.--"Is it possible to confide a secret to you?"

FRIEND--"Certainly. I will be as silent as the grave."

STUDE--"Well, then, I have a pressing need for two bucks."

FRIEND--"Do not worry. It is as if I had heard nothing." --_-Michigan
Gargoyle_.


"Why did you come to college, anyway? You are not studying," said the
Professor.

"Well," said Willie, "I don't know exactly myself. Mother says it is to
fit me for the Presidency; Uncle Bill, to sow my wild oats; Sis, to get
a chum for her to marry, and Pa, to bankrupt the family."


A young Irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his
uncle as follows:

    "Dear Uncle.--If you could see how I blush for shame while I
    am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have
    to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express
    myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die.
    I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer.
    Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and
    affectionate nephew.

    "P.S.--Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have
    been running after the messenger in order to take the letter
    from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something
    may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."

The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He
replied as follows:

    "My Dear Jack--Console yourself and blush no more. Providence
    has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your
    affectionate uncle."


The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt
with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the
intervening time preparing for the final examinations.

"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there
any questions to be asked?"

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:

"Who's the printer?"


It was Commencement Day at a well-known woman's college, and the father
of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises. He
was presented to the president, who said, "I congratulate you, sir, upon
your extremely large and affectionate family."

"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very much surprised.

"Yes, indeed," said the president. "No less than twelve of your
daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her
driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to the theater
at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."


The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its
great scholars great men.--_O.W. Holmes_.


_See also_ Harvard university; Scholarship.




COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES


  The college is a coy maid--
    She has a habit quaint
  Of making eyes at millionaires
    And winking at the taint.

  --_Judge_.


"What is a 'faculty'?"

"A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_.


Yale University is to have a ton of fossils. Whether for the faculty or
for the museums is not announced.--_The Atlanta Journal_.


FIRST TRUSTEE--"But this ancient institution of learning will fail
unless something is done."

SECOND TRUSTEE--"True; but what can we do? We have already raised the
tuition until it is almost 1 per cent of the fraternity fees."--_Puck_.


The president of the university had dark circles under his eyes. His
cheek was pallid; his lips were trembling; he wore a hunted expression.

"You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?"

"Nothing much," he replied. "But--I--I had a fearful dream last night,
and I feel this morning as if I--as if I--" It was evident that his
nervous system was shattered.

"What was the dream?" asked his wife.

"I--I--dreamed the trustees required that--that I should--that I should
pass the freshman examination for--admission!" sighed the president.




COMMON SENSE


A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town.
It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was
a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work
had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:

"What be ye doin' in this place?"

"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve
all things," said the chemist.

"What good will thet be?"

"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of
iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in
this solution."

"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"




COMMUTERS


BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
girl who lives in the suburbs?"

GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have
transferred to a town girl."


"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the
first commuter.

"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old
brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a
second and a half."


After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands
with a young German.

"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the
German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.


A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards
of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it
again were futile.

In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the
cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled
out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the
nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the
operator:

"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."


A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad
station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that
he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened
accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still
pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a
churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.

"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as
to his intentions."

The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the
fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed
through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced
his pursuer.

"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"

"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like
this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to
follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there
much more to do before we get there?"




COMPARISONS


A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.

"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."


A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she
watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:

"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"


"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."

"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."

"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those
tiny feet."


"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going
to palmists to have their hands read."

"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into
saloons to get their noses red?"


A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad
health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache
and earache at the same time?"

The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."


The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson,
recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a
meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a
white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite
with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked
home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this
conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat."
"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo'
pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God."
"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."


Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and
beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.




COMPENSATION


"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile
goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks
longer."




COMPETITION


A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the
pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new
baby she felt rather neglected.

"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.

"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much
competition in this world."


A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering
his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly
came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.

"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without
competition."




COMPLIMENTS


Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which
took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw
was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered.
The man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using
on the street, and rushed back, his eyes blazing fiercely. I thought
he'd surely knock the other man's brains out, and I stepped right in
between them."

The young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the
narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding. So
proud was he of his father's valor, his eyes fairly shone, and he cried:

"He couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, Father?"

Father looked at him long and earnestly, but the lad's countenance was
frank and open.

Father gasped slightly, and resumed his supper.


_See also_ Tact.




COMPOSERS


Recipe for the musical comedy composer:

  Librettos of all of the operas,
    Some shears and a bottle of paste,
  Curry the hits of last season,
    Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste.

  --_Life_.




COMPROMISES


Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the
only people who had keys to that drawer."

Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it."




CONFESSIONS


"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five
years?"

"No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_.


Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught
to report misdeeds promptly. One afternoon she came sobbing penitently
to her mother.

"Mother, I--I broke a brick in the fireplace."

"Well, it might be worse. But how on earth did you do it, Ethel?"

"I pounded it with your watch."


"Confession is good for the soul."

"Yes, but it's bad for the reputation."




CONGRESS


Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring
valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_.


"Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman,
"we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the class a certain miss whom I know
unconsciously puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her school
that the question was put, 'Who makes the laws of our government?'

"'Congress,' was the united reply.

"'How is Congress divided?' was the next query.

"My young friend raised her hand.

"'Well,' said the teacher, 'what do you say the answer is?'

"Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the Miss
replied, 'Civilized, half civilized, and savage.'"




CONGRESSMEN

It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen,
mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a
scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but
palm leaves.

"Here," said a congressman to the head waiter, "why don't you put them
things on our table too?" pointing to the plants.

The head waiter didn't know he was a congressman.

"We cain't do it, boss," he whispered confidentially; "dey's mostly
congressmen at 'dis table, an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um
for celery an' eat um all up sho. 'Deed dey would, boss. We knows 'em."


Representative X, from North Carolina, was one night awakened by his
wife, who whispered, "John, John, get up! There are robbers in the
house."

"Robbers?" he said. "There may be robbers in the Senate, Mary; but not
in the House! It's preposterous!"--_John N. Cole, Jr_.


Champ Clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate Congressman
Johnson of Indiana called an Illinois representative a jackass. The
expression was unparliamentary, and in retraction Johnson said:

"While I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, I must insist that
the gentleman from Illinois is out of order."

"How am I out of order?" yelled the man from Illinois.

"Probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you," answered Johnson, and
that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record.


A Georgia Congressman had put up at an American-plan hotel in New York.
When, upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay, the
waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare, the Congressman tossed it
aside, slipped the waiter a dollar bill, and said, "Bring me a good
dinner."

The dinner proving satisfactory, the Southern member pursued this plan
during his entire stay in New York. As the last tip was given, he
mentioned that he was about to return to Washington.

Whereupon, the waiter, with an expression of great earnestness, said:

"Well, sir, when you or any of your friends that can't read come to New
York, just ask for Dick."




CONSCIENCE


The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of
the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone.

A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an
office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again. Yes,
there was no doubt about it. The pretty stenographer was sitting upon
the gentleman's lap. The lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on
the window and then searched in the telephone book. Still keeping his
eye upon the scene across the street, he called the gentleman up. In a
few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver.

"Yes," said the lawyer through the telephone, "I should think you would
start."

The victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer
something.

"Yes," continued the lawyer severely, "I think you'd better take that
arm away. And while you're about it, as long as there seems to be plenty
of chairs in the room--"

The victim brushed the lady from his lap, rather roughly, it is to be
feared. "Who--who the devil is this, anyhow?" he managed to splutter.

"I," answered the lawyer in deep, impressive tones, "am your
conscience!"


  A quiet conscience makes one so serene!
  Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
  That all the Apostles would have done as they did.

  --_Byron_.


  Oh, Conscience! Conscience! man's most faithful friend,
    Him canst thou comfort, ease, relieve, defend;
  But if he will thy friendly checks forego,
    Thou art, oh! woe for me his deadliest foe!

  --_Crabbe_.




CONSEQUENCES


A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between
the words "results" and "consequences."

A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences
are what you get."


Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds carry their terrible consequences,
quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that
are hardly ever confined to ourselves.--_George Eliot_.




CONSIDERATION


The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had
tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of
honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm.

"Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said to his
host. "Whar did you git such a fine goose?"

"Well, now, Pahson," replied the carver of the goose, exhibiting great
dignity and reticence, "when you preaches a speshul good sermon I never
axes you whar you got it. I hopes you will show me de same
considerashion."


A clergyman, who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken
suddenly ill, answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it, for he
knew that she was not of his parish, and was, moreover, known to be a
devoted worker in another church. While he was waiting to be shown to
the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house.

"It is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her
illness," said he, "Is your minister out of town?"

"Oh, no," answered the child, in a matter-of-fact tone. "He's home; only
we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to take
any risks."




CONSTANCY


A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in
a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct
badges and money in the savings-bank.

"Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a year
from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry. I'll keep the
vacancy."

On the anniversary the soldier repeated his request.

"But do you really, after a year, want to marry?" inquired the General
in a surprised tone.

"Yes, sir; very much."

"Sergeant-Major, take his name down. Yes, you may marry. I never
believed there was so much constancy in man or woman. Right face; quick
march!"

As the man left the room, turning his head, he said, "Thank you, sir;
but it isn't the same woman."




CONTRIBUTION BOX


  The parson looks it o'er and frets.
    It puts him out of sorts
  To see how many times he gets
    A penny for his thoughts.

  --_J.J. O'Connell_.


There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way
at the club guest. "You look like a man I've seen somewhere, Mr.
Blinker," he said. "Your face seems familiar. I fancy you have a double.
And a funny thing about it is that I remember I formed a strong
prejudice against the man who looks like you--although, I'm quite sure,
we never met."

The little guest softly laughed. "I'm the man," he answered, "and I know
why you formed the prejudice. I passed the contribution plate for two
years in the church you attended."


The collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the
pastor made a short address before the box was passed.

"I don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share, bredern," he said gently,
"but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab. I say 'rightly
hab," bredern, because we don't want no tainted money in dis box.
'Squire Jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week. Now if
any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose
chickens let him stay his hand from de box.

"Now, Deacon Smiff, please pass de box while I watch de signs an' see if
dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer
fer him."


A newly appointed Scotch minister on his first Sunday of office had
reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. "Mon," replied one
of the elders, "they are close--vera close."

"But," confidentially, "the auld meenister he put three or four
saxpenses into the plate hissel', just to gie them a start. Of course he
took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward." The new minister tried the
same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to report a dismal failure.
The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to find that
his own sixpences were missing. "Ye may be a better preacher than the
auld meenister," exclaimed the elder, "but if ye had half the knowledge
o' the world, an' o' yer ain flock in particular, ye'd ha' done what he
did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate."


POLICE COMMISSIONER--"If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would
you do?"

APPLICANT--"Pass around the hat, sir."

POLICE COMMISSIONER--"That'll do; you're engaged."


"I advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church," said the
vicar to his congregation, "and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five
cents, I see that they have come."


_See also_ Salvation.




CONUNDRUMS


"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm
and a conversation between two confidence men?"

"Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up."

"Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning
theme."




CONVERSATION


"My dog understands every word I say."

"Um."

"Do you doubt it?"

"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he
bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it
perfectly."


THE TALL AND AGGRESSIVE ONE--"Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had
that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!"

THE SHORT AND MEEK ONE--"Sir, I'm talking to my wife."--_Puck_.


HUS (during a quarrel)--"You talk like an idiot."

WIFE--"I've got to talk so you can understand me."


Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New
England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.

"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled
with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.

"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.

"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very
steep."

"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks
rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."

"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he
didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in
with a shotgun.

"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.

"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."


Conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student.--_Emerson_.


A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than
ten years' study of books.--_Longfellow_.




COOKERY


"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in
the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're
eating all my pies."

"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they
don't die in the house?"


"This is certainly a modern cook-book in every way."

"How so?"

"It says: 'After mixing your bread, you can watch two reels at the
movies before putting it in the oven.'"--_Puck_.


There was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in Baltimore
such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek
expert advice from another woman, whom she knew to possess considerable
experience in the cooking line.

"Mrs. Jones," said the first mentioned young woman, as she breathlessly
entered the apartment of the latter, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I
must have your advice."

"What is the trouble, my dear?"

"Why, I've just had a 'phone message from Harry, saying that he is going
out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons. Now, he's bound to bring a lot
home, and I haven't the remotest idea how to cook them. Won't you please
tell me?"--_Taylor Edwards_.


Heaven sends us good meat, but the devil sends us cooks.--_David
Garrick_.




COOKS


_See_ Servants.




CORNETS


Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on
Sunday would go to heaven.

The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why
he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door
will."




CORNS


Great aches from little toe-corns grow.




CORPULENCE


The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored
laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer.
Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at
some three hundred pounds.

"Missus," said the woman, "I'll do your washing, but I'se gwine ter
charge you double for your husband's shirts."

"Why, what is your reason for that Nancy," questioned the mistress.

"Well," said the laundress, "I don't mind washing fur an ordinary man,
but I draws de line on circus tents, I sho' do."


An employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love
with a handsome German girl. Upon his return to the works, he went to
Mr. Carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would
like a little further time off. Mr. Carnegie appeared much interested.
"Tell me about her," he said. "Is she short or is she tall, slender,
willowy?"

"Well, Mr. Carnegie," was the answer, "all I can say is that if I'd had
the rolling of her, I should have given her two or three more passes."


A very stout old lady, bustling through the park on a sweltering hot
day, became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking
tramp.

"What do you mean by following me in this manner?" she indignantly
demanded. The tramp slunk back a little. But when the stout lady resumed
her walk he again took up his position directly behind her.

"See here," she exclaimed, wheeling angrily, "if you don't go away at
once I shall call a policeman!"

The unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly.

"For Heaven's sake, kind lady, have mercy an' don't call a policeman;
ye're the only shady spot in the whole park."


A jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he
had ever had any very narrow escapes.

"Yes," he replied, his eyes twinkling; "once I fell off my boat at the
mouth of Bear Creek, and, although I'm an expert swimmer, I guess I'd be
there now if it hadn't been for my crew. You see the water was just deep
enough so's to be over my head when I tried to wade out, and just
shallow enough"--he gave his body an explanatory pat--"so that whenever
I tried to swim out I dragged bottom."


A very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door
rose and said: "I will be one of three to give the lady a seat."


To our Fat Friends: May their shadows never grow less.


_See also_ Dancing.




COSMOPOLITANISM


Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New
York.

"New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the
addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell."

He smiled and added:

"Is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a New York cafe? In
the last one I visited, I saw a Portuguese, a German and an Italian,
dressed in English clothes and seated at a table of Spanish walnut,
lunching on Russian caviar, French rolls, Scotch salmon, Welsh rabbit,
Swiss cheese, Dutch cake and Malaga raisins. They drank China tea and
Irish whisky."




COST OF LIVING


"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
asked the careful mother.

"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs
boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like
that."


"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his
seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without
it.--_Satire_.


"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"

"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we
were putting on our jewels."


A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb
the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch
when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him
a penny.

"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."

Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good
salesmanship:

"Go smell o' the hook!"


TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says
something before meals."

DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't
bow his head."

TOM--"What does he say?"

DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."




COUNTRY LIFE


BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the
country?"

MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who
would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_.


VISITOR--"You have a fine road leading from the station."

SUBUBS--"That's the path worn by servant-girls."


_See also_ Commuters; Servants.




COURAGE


AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?"

BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was."

AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell
me what he did to you."

BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teeth!"--_Punch_.


He was the small son of a bishop, and his mother was teaching him the
meaning of courage.

"Supposing," she said, "there were twelve boys in one bedroom, and
eleven got into bed at once, while the other knelt down to say his
prayers, that boy would show true courage."

"Oh!" said the young hopeful. "I know something that would be more
courageous than that! Supposing there were twelve bishops in one
bedroom, and one got into bed without saying his prayers!"


  Courage, the highest gift, that scorns to bend
  To mean devices for a sordid end.
  Courage--an independent spark from Heaven's bright throne,
  By which the soul stands raised, triumphant, high, alone.
  Great in itself, not praises of the crowd,
  Above all vice, it stoops not to be proud.
  Courage, the mighty attribute of powers above,
  By which those great in war, are great in love.
  The spring of all brave acts is seated here,
  As falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear.

  --_Farquhar_.




COURTESY


The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to
make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his
acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of
her personal appearance. His native politeness prompted him to gloss
over the defect, and, after a moment's reflection, he wrote among the
items of personal description: "Eyes dark, beautiful, tender,
expressive, but one of them missing."


Mrs. Taft, at a diplomatic dinner, had for a neighbor a distinguished
French traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness.

"We French," the traveler declared, "are the politest people in the
world. Every one acknowledges it. You Americans are a remarkable nation,
but the French excel you in politeness. You admit it yourself, don't
you?"

Mrs. Taft smiled delicately.

"Yes," she said. "That is our politeness."


Justice Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston street car
standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on
the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the car and, as it
stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from her by the man
standing before it.

"Other side, lady," said the conductor.

He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man. The
lady took another step toward the gate.

"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.

"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer, in tones that
congealed that official. Before he could explain or expostulate Mr.
Moody came to his assistance.

"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishes to
climb over the gate."




COURTS


One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't
like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge
ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and
quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the
courtroom.

"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eying "old Thad"
indignantly, "that you wish to show your contempt for this court?"

"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want to show my
contempt, sir; I'm trying to conceal it."


"It's all right to fine me, Judge," laughed Barrowdale, after the
proceedings were over, "but just the same you were ahead of me in your
car, and if I was guilty you were too."

"Ya'as, I know," said the judge with a chuckle, "I found myself guilty
and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you."

"Bully for you!" said Barrowdale. "By the way, do you put these fines
back into the roads?"

"No," said the judge. "They go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry."


A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other day and presented a check
for which he wanted the equivalent in cash.

"Have to be identified," said the clerk.

The stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to
the same name as that on the check.

The clerk shook his head.

The man thought a minute and pulled out his watch, which bore the name
on its inside cover.

Clerk hardly glanced at it.

The man dug into his pockets and found one of those
"If-I-should-die-tonight-please-notify-my-wife" cards, and called the
clerk's attention to the description, which fitted to a T.

But the clerk was still obdurate.

"Those things don't prove anything," he said. "We've got to have the
word of a man that we know."

"But, man, I've given you an identification that would convict me of
murder in any court in the land."

"That's probably very true," responded the clerk, patiently, "but in
matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful."


_See also_ Jury; Witnesses.




COURTSHIP


"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first
girl you ever loved?"

"Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met."


     Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran
     Fell in love with Maria McCann.
       With a yell and a whoop
       He cleared the front stoop
     Just ahead of her papa's brogan.


SPOONLEIGH--"Does your sister always look under the bed?"

HER LITTLE BROTHER--"Yes, and when you come to see her she always looks
under the sofa."--_J.J. O'Connell_.


   There was a young man from the West,
   Who loved a young lady with zest;
     So hard did he press her
     To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
   That he broke three cigars in his vest.


"I hope your father does not object to my staying so late," said Mr.
Stayput as the clock struck twelve.

"Oh, dear, no," replied Miss Dabbs, with difficulty suppressing a yawn,
"He says you save him the expense of a night-watchman."


  There was an old monk of Siberia,
  Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
     He burst from his cell
     With a hell of a yell,
   And eloped with the Mother Superior.


It was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of
the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her. The
father had his watch in his hand.

"Young man," he said brusquely, "do you know what time it is?"

"Y-y-yes sir," stuttered the frightened lover, as he scrambled out into
the hall; "I--I was just going to leave!"

After the beau had made a rapid exit, the father turned to the girl and
said in astonishment:

"What was the matter with that fellow? My watch has run down, and I
simply wanted to know the time."


"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlor?" asked her
mother. "Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," replied the young
lady.

The mother look dubiously at her daughter, whereupon her little brother,
wishing to help his sister, said:

"Yeth they wath, Mother. I heard 'em. Mr. Thmith asked her for a kith
and she thaid, 'You kin.'"


During a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked:
"If a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera, spends $8 on a
supper after the performance, and then takes her home in a taxicab,
should he kiss her goodnight?"

An old bachelor who was present growled: "I don't think she ought to
expect it. Seems to me he has done enough for her."


A young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test
her sweetheart. So, selecting the prettiest girl she knew, she said to
her, though she knew it was a great risk.

"I'll arrange for Jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in
the moonlight, a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and I want
you, in order to put his fidelity to the proof, to ask him for a kiss."

The other girl laughed, blushed and assented. The dangerous plot was
carried out. Then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one
and said anxiously:

"Well, did you ask him?"

"No, dear."

"No? Why not?"

"I didn't get a chance. He asked me first."


Uncle Nehemiah, the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in Mobile,
was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his
daughter's waist.

"Mandy, tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'," he
indignantly commanded.

"Tell him you'self," said Amanda. "He's a puffect stranger to me."


"Jack and I have parted forever."

"Good gracious! What does that mean?"

"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour."


  Here's to solitaire with a partner,
  The only game in which one pair beats three of a kind.


_See also_ Love; Proposals.




COWARDS


Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the
bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."


MRS. PECK--"Henry, what would you do if burglars broke into our house
some night?"

MR. PECK (_valiantly_)--"Humph! I should keep perfectly cool, my dear."

And when, a few nights later, burglars _did_ break in, Henry kept his
promise: he hid in the ice-box.


Johnny hasn't been to school long, but he already holds some peculiar
views regarding the administration of his particular room.

The other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually
smiling face.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother, "what's the matter?"

"I ain't going to that old school no more," he fiercely announced.

"Why, Johnny," said his mother reproachfully, "you mustn't talk like
that. What's wrong with the school?"

"I ain't goin' there no more," Johnny replied; "an" it's because all th'
boys in my room is blamed old cowards!"

"Why, Johnny, Johnny!"

"Yes, they are. There was a boy whisperin' this mornin', an' teacher saw
him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times. An'
those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'. They let
that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy, an' they just
sat there an' seen her do it!"

"And what did you do, Johnny?"

"I didn't do nothin'--I was the boy!"--_Cleveland Plain Dealer_.


A negro came running down the lane as though the Old Boy were after him.

"What are you running for, Mose?" called the colonel from the barn.

"I ain't a-runnin' fo'," shouted back Mose. "I'se a-runnin' from!"




COWS


Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit
to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John.
A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.

"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.

"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.

"And what are those things on her head?"

"Horns," answered John.

Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.

Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of
interest:

"Which horn did she blow?"


   There was an old man who said, "How
   Shall I flee from this horrible cow?
     I will sit on this stile
     And continue to smile,
   Which may soften the heart of that cow."




CRITICISM


FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new
pianist's concert last night!"

SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?"

FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"


                               As soon
   Seek roses in December--ice in June,
   Hope, constancy in wind, or corn in chaff;
   Believe a woman or an epitaph,
   Or any other thing that's false, before
   You trust in critics.

  --_Byron_.


It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--_Disraeli_.


_See also_ Dramatic criticism.




CRUELTY


"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of
flowers."

"I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A."




CUCUMBERS


Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its
best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.




CULTURE


_See_ Kultur.




CURFEW


A former resident of Marshall, Mo., was asking about the old town.

"I understand they have a curfew law out there now," he said.

"No," his informant answered, "they did have one, but they abandoned
it."

"What was the matter?"

"Well, the bell rang at 9 o'clock, and almost everyone complained that
it woke them up."




CURIOSITY


The Christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a
woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and
fell over the railing. Her dress caught in a chandelier, and she was
suspended in mid-air. The minister noticed her undignified position and
thundered at the congregation:

"Any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck
stone-blind."

A man, whose curiosity was getting the better of him, but who dreaded
the clergyman's warning, finally turned to his companion and said:

"I'm going to risk one eye."


A one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to
a dapper little other-people's-business man. The latter at once noticed
his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a
how-did-it-happen sort of a way. The one-armed man paid no attention to
him but kept on eating with his one hand. Finally the inquisitive one
could stand it no longer. He changed his position a little, cleared his
throat, and said: "I beg pardon, sir, but I see you have lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered
anxiously into it. "Bless my soul!" he exclaimed, looking up with great
surprise. "I do believe you're right."


_See also_ Wives.




CYCLONES


_See_ Windfalls.




DACHSHUNDS


A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his
mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial
conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"

"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.

"Where is he?" questioned the dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart.

"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to
go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."




DAMAGES


A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty,
accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs.
Cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion.

When he had listened to the recital of Mrs. Delehanty's troubles, the
lawyer said:

"You want to get damages, I suppose?"

"Damages! Damages!" came in shrill tones from Mrs. Delehanty. "Haven't I
got damages enough already, man? What I'm after is satisfaction."


A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident
not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in
the car wherein he was sitting.

Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was
derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of
the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully
examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury. After
ascertaining that he was unhurt, he thought of his wife and damages.

"Are you hurt, dear?" he asked.

"No, thank Heaven!" was the grateful response.

"Look here, then," continued hubby, "I'll tell you what we'll do. You
let me black your eye, and we'll soak the company good for damages! It
won't hurt you much. I'll give you just one good punch." _--Howard
Morse_.


Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due
season the claim agent for the railroad called.

"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and
valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive
claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in
your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no
business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property
and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically
speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no
desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now
then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the
railroad company?"

"Vail," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall
give you two dollars."




DANCING


He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his
friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final?

"Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I still love it, and I've
merely stopped until I can find a concave lady for a partner."


George Bernard Shaw was recently entertained at a house party. While the
other guests were dancing, one of the onlookers called Mr. Shaw's
attention to the awkward dancing of a German professor.

"Really horrid dancing, isn't it, Mr. Shaw?"

G.B.S. was not at a loss for the true Shavian response. "Oh that's not
dancing" he answered. "That's the New Ethical Movement!"


On a journey through the South not long ago, Wu Ting Fang was impressed
by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited.
Wherever the entertainment committee led him, whether to factory, store
or suburban plantation, all the hard work seemed to be borne by the
black men.

Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but in the evening when he was
a spectator at a ball given in his honor, after watching the waltzing
and two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his host:

"Why don't you make the negroes do that for you, too?"


  If they had danced the tango and the trot
    In days of old, there is no doubt we'd find
  The poet would have written--would he not?--
   "On with the dance, let joy be unrefined!"

  --_J.J. O'Connell_.




DEAD BEATS


See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.




DEBTS


A train traveling through the West was held up by masked bandits. Two
friends, who were on their way to California, were among the passengers.

"Here's where we lose all our money," one said, as a robber entered the
car.

"You don't think they'll take everything, do you?" the other asked
nervously.

"Certainly," the first replied. "These fellows never miss anything."

"That will be terrible," the second friend said. "Are you quite sure
they won't leave us any money?" he persisted.

"Of course," was the reply. "Why do you ask?"

The other was silent for a minute. Then, taking a fifty-dollar note from
his pocket, he handed it to his friend.

"What is this for?" the first asked, taking the money.

"That's the fifty dollars I owe you," the other answered. "Now we're
square."--_W. Dayton Wegefarth_.


WILLIS--"He calls himself a dynamo."

GILLIS--"No wonder; everything he has on is charged."--_Judge_.


   Anticipated rents, and bills unpaid,
   Force many a shining youth into the shade,
   Not to redeem his time, but his estate,
   And play the fool, but at the cheaper rate.

   --_Cowper_.


I hold every man a debtor to his profession.--_Bacon_.




DEER


   "The deer's a mighty useful beast
     From Petersburg to Tennyson
   For while he lives he lopes around
     And when he's dead he's venison."

   --_Ellis Parker Butler_.




DEGREES


   A young theologian named Fiddle
     Refused to accept his degree;
   "For," said he, "'tis enough to be Fiddle,
     Without being Fiddle D.D."




DEMOCRACY


"Why are you so vexed, Irma?"

"I am so exasperated! I attended the meeting of the Social Equality
League, and my parlor-maid presided, and she had the audacity to call me
to order three times."--_M. L. Hayward_.


_See also_ Ancestry.




DEMOCRATIC PARTY


HOSPITAL PHYSICIAN--"Which ward do you wish to be taken to? A pay ward
or a--"

MALONEY--"Iny of thim, Doc, thot's safely Dimocratic."




DENTISTRY


Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and
there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he
held out a baby tooth.

"How did you pull it?" demanded his mother.

"Oh," he said bravely, "it was easy enough. I just fell down, and the
whole world came up and pushed it out."




DENTISTS


The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain
employment for his own.


One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That
night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to
hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our
dentists."--_Everybody's_.


One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade, because his
trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man
gets his living.--_Haglitt_.




DESCRIPTION


A popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre, a willowy
figure, cherry lips, chestnut hair, and hazel eyes. She must have been
raised in the lumber regions.--_Ella Hutchison Ellwanger_.




DESIGN, DECORATIVE


Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace
she had just crocheted.

"Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned.

"Out of my head," she answered lightly.

"Does your head feel better now, Mamma?" he asked anxiously.--_C. Hilton
Turvey_.




DESTINATION


A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has
succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement
to the names of the national capitol's streets. On a recent Sunday
morning he was calling the streets thus:

"Haitch!"

"High!"

"Jay!"

"Kay!"

"Hell!"

At this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left
the car.--_Lippincott's Magazine_.


Andrew Lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in
Marlowe's road, Earl's Court, a street away at the end of that long
Cromwell road, which seems to go on forever. The guest was not very
sure how to get there, so Lang explained:

"Walk right' along Cromwell road," he said, "till you drop dead and my
house is just opposite!"




DETAILS


Charles Frohman was talking to a Philadelphia reporter about the
importance of detail.

"Those who work for me," he said, "follow my directions down to the very
smallest item. To go wrong in detail, you know, is often to go
altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband.

"A dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours
searching for his latchkey, muttered to himself:

"'Now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by 12,
or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by 2?'"




DETECTIVES


When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly
recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great
literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully:

"If you please, sir, I should much prefer a ticket to your lecture. If
you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would
do."

Conan Doyle laughed.

"Tell me," he said, "how did you know who I was, and I will give you
tickets for your whole family."

"Thank you sir," was the reply. "Why, we all knew--that is, all the
members of the Cabmen's Literary Guild knew--that you were coming by
this train. I happen to be the only member on duty at the station this
morning. If you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly
twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious New
York reporters. Your hair has the Quakerish cut of a Philadelphia
barber, and your hat, battered at the brim in front, shows where you
have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a
Chicago literary luncheon. Your right overshoe has a large block of
Buffalo mud just under the instep, the odor of a Utica cigar hangs about
your clothing, and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of
the porters of the through sleepers from Albany, and stenciled upon the
very end of the 'Wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name,
'Conan Doyle.'"




DETERMINATION


After the death of Andrew Jackson the following conversation is said to
have occurred between an Anti-Jackson broker and a Democratic merchant:

MERCHANT (_with a sigh_)--"Well, the old General is dead."

BROKER (_with a shrug_)--"Yes, he's gone at last."

MERCHANT (_not appreciating the shrug_)--"Well, sir, he was a good man."

BROKER (_with shrug more pronounced_)--"I don't know about that."

MERCHANT (_energetically_)--"He was a good man, sir. If any man has
gone to heaven, General Jackson has gone to heaven."

BROKER (_doggedly_)--"I don't know about that."

MERCHANT--"Well, sir, I tell you that if Andrew Jackson had made up his
mind to go to heaven, you may depend upon it he's there."




DIAGNOSIS


An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and
was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned
to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:

"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."




DIET


Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore
Beymer_.


  There was a young lady named Perkins,
  Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
    She went to a tea
    And ate twenty-three,
  Which pickled her internal workin's.


"Mother," asked the little one, on the occasion of a number of guests
being present at dinner, "will the dessert hurt me, or is there enough
to go round?"


The doctor told him he needed carbohydrates, proteids, and above all,
something nitrogenous. The doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him
to eat. He staggered out and wabbled into a Penn avenue restaurant.

"How about beefsteak?" he asked the waiter. "Is that nitrogenous?"

The waiter didn't know.

"Are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not?"

The waiter couldn't say.

"Well, I'll fix it," declared the poor man in despair. "Bring me a large
plate of hash."


   A Colonel, who used to assert
   That naught his digestion could hurt,
     Was forced to admit
     That his weak point was hit
   When they gave him hot shot for dessert.


To abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason.--_Rousseau_.


They are as sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with
nothing.--_Shakespeare_.




DILEMMAS


A story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate
supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every
political "heated term."

Away back, when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the
western mountains, two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that
seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck. One of the
prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a
cave. The buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned
toward the tree. Out came the man from the cave, and the buffalo took
after him again. The man made another dive for the hole. After this had
been repeated several times, the man in the tree called to his comrade,
who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern:

"Stay in the cave, you idiot!"

"You don't know nothing about this hole," bawled the other. "There's a
bear in it!"




DINING


A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic
marathon.--_John E. Rosser_.


"That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn
over, and do such queer stunts."

"I am not surprised; he never did have good table manners."


"Chakey, Chakey," called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and
looked down the street toward the group of small boys: "Chakey, come in
alreaty and eat youseself. Maw she's on the table and Paw he's half et."


  There was a young lady of Cork,
  Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;
    He bought for his daughter
    A tutor who taught her
  To balance green peas on her fork.


An anecdote about Dr. Randall Davidson, bishop of Winchester, is that
after an ecclesiastical function, as the clergy were trooping in to
luncheon, an unctuous archdeacon observed: "This is the time to put a
bridle on our appetites!"

"Yes," replied the bishop, "this is the time to put a bit in our
mouths!"--_Christian Life_.


  There was a young lady named Maud,
  A very deceptive young fraud;
    She never was able
    To eat at the table,
  But out in the pantry--O Lord!


"Father's trip abroad did him so much good," said the self-made man's
daughter. "He looks better, feels better, and as for appetite--honestly,
it would just do your heart good to hear him eat!"


Whistler, the artist, was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house
and arrived at his destination two hours late.

"How extraordinary!" he exclaimed, as he walked into the dining-room
where the company was seated at the table; "really, I should think you
might have waited a bit--why, you're just like a lot of pigs with your
eating!"


  A macaroon,
    A cup of tea,
  An afternoon,
    Is all that she
  Will eat;
    She's in society.

  But let me take
    This maiden fair
  To some cafe,
    And, then and there,
  She'll eat the whole
    Blame bill of fare.

  --_The Mystic Times_.


The small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for
expected company when her mother called to her:

"Put down three forks at each place, dear."

Having made some observations on her own account when the expected
guests had dined with her mother before, she inquired thoughtfully:

"Shall I give Uncle John three knives?"


For a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does
of his dinner--_Samuel Johnson_.



DIPLOMACY


WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home."

HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one
with the soulful eyes and--"

WIFE--"No. You're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done,
dear. On second thought, I won't bother you."


Scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath. A witty
repartee sometimes helps one immensely also.

When Richard Olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression
to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the
language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited. It
is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician
who was desirous of serving the Cleveland administration in the capacity
of consul of the Chinese ports presented his papers to Mr. Olney, the
secretary remarked:

"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I never recommend to the President the
appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to
which he desires to go? Now, I suppose you do not speak Chinese?"

Whereupon the westerner grinned broadly. "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
"you will ask me a question in Chinese, I shall be happy to answer it."
He got the appointment.


"Miss de Simpson," said the young secretary of legation, "I have opened
negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you
oftener, with a view ultimately to forming an alliance, and he has
responded favorably. May I ask if you will ratify the arrangement, as a
_modus vivendi?_"

"Mr. von Harris," answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat, "don't
you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my
administrative entity if you had asked me first?"


   I call'd the devil and he came,
     And with wonder his form did I closely scan;
   He is not ugly, and is not lame,
     But really a handsome and charming man.
   A man in the prime of life is the devil,
   Obliging, a man of the world, and civil;
   A diplomatist too, well skill'd in debate,
   He talks quite glibly of church and state.

  --_Heine_.




DISCIPLINE


_See_ Military discipline; Parents.




DISCOUNTS


A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets
of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling
salesman from New York, who, when his turn came, fished out $200, but
rapidly took $4 from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket.

"What do you mean by that?" asked the robber, as he toyed with his
revolver. Hurriedly came the answer: "Mine frent, you surely vould not
refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like
dis?"




DISCRETION


When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.




DISPOSITION


One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to
animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of
a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he
wrote: "Kind and gentle."

There was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered. He was
always cross.




DISTANCES


A regiment of regulars was making a long, dusty march across the rolling
prairie land of Montana last summer. It was a hot, blistering day and
the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next
town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next
town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher.
Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

"Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer. "Only about two miles."

"Well," sighed an optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holdin' our
own, anyhow!"




DIVORCE


"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week
what would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.




DOGS


LADY (to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle)--"The
poor little darling, where did you find him?"

TRAMP--"Oh, a man 'ad 'im, miss, tied to a pole, and was cleaning the
windows wiv 'im!"


A family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that
they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they
bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring
dog fancier, who was a German. Shortly afterward the house was entered
by burglars who made a good haul, while the big dog slept. The man went
to the dog fancier and told him about it.

"Veil, vat you need now," said the dog merchant, "is a leedle dog to
vake up the big dog."


  "Dogs is mighty useful beasts
    They might seem bad at first
  They might seem worser right along
    But when they're dead
          They're wurst."

  --_Ellis Parker Butler_.


"My dog took first prize at the cat show."

"How was that?"

"He took the cat."--_Judge_.


FAIR VISITOR--"Why are you giving Fido's teeth such a thorough
brushing?"

FOND MISTRESS--"Oh! The poor darling's just bitten some horrid person,
and, really, you know, one can't be too careful."--_Life_.


"Do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little
harmless, affectionate poodle?"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Would you be offended if I was to present him with a nice brass
collar?"


  Fleshy Miss Muffet
  Sat down on Tuffet,
    A very good dog in his way;
  When she saw what she'd done,
  She started to run--
    And Tuffet was buried next day.

  --_L.T.H_.


William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R.
I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog
ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked
the animal halfway across the tracks, and was immediately confronted by
the owner, who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than
courteous.

"Why," said Stevens when the other paused for breath, "your dog's mad."

"Mad! Mad! You double-dyed blankety-blank fool, he ain't mad!"

"Oh, ain't he?" cut in Stevens. "Gosh! I should be if any one kicked me
like that!"


One would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs, while the
other stood up for the setter.

"I once owned a setter," declared the latter, "which was very
intelligent. I had him on the street one day, and he acted so queerly
about a certain man we met that I asked the man his name, and--"

"Oh, that's an old story!" the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly.
"The man's name was Partridge, of course, and because of that the dog
came to a set. Ho, ho! Come again!"

"You're mistaken," rejoined the other suavely. "The dog didn't come
quite to a set, though almost. As a matter of fact, the man's name was
Quayle, and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling!"--_P. R.
Benson_.


The more one sees of men the more one likes dogs.


_See also_ Dachshunds.




DOMESTIC FINANCE


"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist
himself."

"As to how?"

"Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out
yet."--_Washington Herald_.


A Lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a
young lad whose father was taken ill and died, after which he set
himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother. When she
had finished her story she said:

"Dear Billy, if your papa were to die, would you work to support your
dear mamma?"

"Naw!" said Billy unexpectedly.

"But why not?"

"Ain't we got a good house to live in?"

"Yes, dearie, but we can't eat the house, you know."

"Ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry?"

"Yes, but that won't last forever."

"It'll last till you git another husband, won't it? You're a pretty good
looker, ma!"

Mamma gave up right there.


"I am sending you a thousand kisses," he wrote to his fair young wife
who was spending her first month away from him. Two days later he
received the following telegram: "Kisses received. Landlord refuses to
accept any of them on account." Then he woke up and forwarded a check.


_See also_ Trouble.




DOMESTIC RELATIONS


  There was a young man of Dunbar,
  Who playfully poisoned his Ma;
    When he'd finished his work,
    He remarked with a smirk,
  "This will cause quite a family jar."


_See also_ Families; Marriage.




DRAMA


The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the
second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene
Walter_.


The young man in the third row of seats looked bored. He wasn't having a
good time. He cared nothing for the Shakespearean drama.

"What's the greatest play you ever saw?" the young woman asked,
observing his abstraction.

Instantly he brightened.

"Tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball
over to Chance in time to nab the runner to first!" he said.


LARRY--"I like Professor Whatishisname in Shakespeare. He brings things
home to you that you never saw before."

HARRY--"Huh! I've got a laundryman as good as that."


I think I love and reverence all arts equally, only putting my own just
above the others.... To me it seems as if when God conceived the world,
that was Poetry; He formed it, and that was Sculpture; He colored it,
and that was Painting; He peopled it with living beings, and that was
the grand, divine, eternal Drama.--_Charlotte Cushman_.


Two women were leaving the theater after a performance of "The Doll's
House."

"Oh, don't you _love_ Ibsen?" asked one, ecstatically. "Doesn't he just
take all the hope out of life?"




DRAMATIC CRITICISM


Theodore Dreiser, the novelist, was talking about criticism.

"I like pointed criticism," he said, "criticism such as I heard in the
lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play."

"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his
wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:

"'Well, you would come!'"


Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre,
London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a
town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the
performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious,
forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms.

Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished
to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The
actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the "sympathy
racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass. The
dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin
as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw
the boy again near the theater, so he asked:

"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"

"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.




DRAMATISTS


"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."

"Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow
storm scene."


"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the
tourist.

"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a
five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_.


We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.

Here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a
pass a genius may come in a great city:

"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already
written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced."




DRESSMAKERS


WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."

HUSBAND--"What letter?"

WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the
writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."

HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."




DRINKING


  He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober,
  Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October;
  But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow,
  Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.

  --_Parody on Fletcher_.



I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no
occasion.--_Cervantes_.

I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy
would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.


  The Frenchman loves his native wine;
    The German loves his beer;
  The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf,
    Because it brings good cheer;
  The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"
    Because it gives him dizziness;
  The American has no choice at all,
    So he drinks the whole blamed business.


A young Englishman came to Washington and devoted his days and nights to
an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He
couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a
disordered stomach.

"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.

"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."

"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead
of taking a drink."

The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told
his experience.

"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"


If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is
wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both
drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord
Chesterfield_.


There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.


One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's
resolution.--_Life_.


DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."

SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything
you've got with ye."


  Here's to the girls of the American shore,
  I love but one, I love no more,
  Since she's not here to drink her part,
  I'll drink her share with all my heart.


A well-known Scottish architect was traveling in Palestine recently,
when news reached him of an addition to his family circle. The happy
father immediately provided himself with some water from the Jordan to
carry home for the christening of the infant, and returned to Scotland.

On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at
the church, and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious
water to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle
held up a warning hand, and came nearer to whisper:

"No the noo, sir; no the noo! Maybe after the kirk's oot!"


When President Eliot of Harvard was in active service as head of the
university, reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the
habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him, and President
Eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter.

Meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after
breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded, "Young
man, do you drink?"

"Why, why, why," stammered the young man, "why, President Eliot, not so
early in the morning, thank you."


WIFE (on auto tour)--"That fellow back there said there is a road-house
a few miles down the road. Shall we stop there?"

HUSBAND--"Did he whisper it or say it out loud?"


A priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his Irish
parishioners to get a shave. He observed the barber was suffering from a
recent celebration, but decided to take a chance. In a few moments the
barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek. "There, Pat, you have cut
me," said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound. "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," answered the barber. "That shows you," continued the
priest, in a tone of censure, "what the use of liquor will do." "Yis,
y'r riv'rance," replied the barber, humbly, "it makes the skin tender."


Ex-congressman Asher G. Caruth, of Kentucky, tells this story of an
experience he once had on a visit to a little Ohio town.

"I went up there on legal business," he says, "and, knowing that I
should have to stay all night, I proceeded directly to the only hotel.
The landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as
I registered. It seems that he was a little hard of hearing, a fact of
which I was not aware. As I jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird
shot, I said:

"'Can you direct me to the bank?'

"He looked at me blankly for a second, then swinging the register
around, he glanced down swiftly, caught the 'Louisville' after my name,
and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance,
he said:

"'Certainly, sir. You will find the bar right through that door at the
left.'"


_See also_ Drunkards; Good fellowship; Temperance; Wine.




DROUGHTS


Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona,
noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.

"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.

"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why say pardner, there's bullfrogs in
this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet!"




DRUNKARDS


  Sing a song of sick gents,
  Pockets full of rye,
  Four and twenty highballs,
  We wish that we might die.


Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out
nearly all night.

"Don't your wife miss you on these occasions?" asked one.

"Not often," replied the other; "she throws pretty straight."


"Where's old Four-Fingered Pete?" asked Alkali Ike. "I ain't seen him
around here since I got back."

"Pete?" said the bartender. "Oh, he went up to Hyena Tongue and got
jagged. Went up to a hotel winder, stuck his head in and hollered
'Fire!' and everybody did."


The Irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in Lord
Rossmore's recent book "Things I Can Tell." While acting as magistrate
at an Irish village, Lord Rossmore said to an old offender brought
before him: "You here again?" "Yes, your honor." "What's brought you
here?" "Two policemen, your honor." "Come, come, I know that--drunk
again, I suppose?" "Yes, your honor, both of them."


The colonel came down to breakfast New Year's morning with a bandaged
hand.

"Why, colonel, what's the matter?" they asked.

"Confound it all!" the colonel answered, "we had a little party last
night, and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my
hand."


MAGISTRATE--"And what was the prisoner doing?"

CONSTABLE--"E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver, yer
worship."

MAGISTRATE--"But that doesn't prove he was drunk."

CONSTABLE--"Ah, but there worn't no cab driver there, yer worship."


A Scotch minister and his servant, who were coming home from a wedding,
began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding
feast had left them.

"Sandy," said the minister, "just stop a minute here till I go ahead.
Maybe I don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something
not just right."

He walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked:

"How is it? Am I walking straight?"

"Oh, ay," answered Sandy thickly, "ye're a' recht--but who's that who's
with ye."


A man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most
vigorously at a lamp post, when the noise attracted a near-by policeman.

"What's the matter?" he asked the energetic one.

"Oh, never mind, mishter. Thash all right," was the reply; "I know
she'sh home all right--I shee a light upshtairs."


A pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow
boarded a New York elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat. The
man next him had evidently been drinking. For a while the little man
contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor,
but finally he summoned the guard.

"Conductor," he demanded indignantly, "do you permit drunken people to
ride upon this train?"

"No, sir," replied the guard in a confidential whisper. "But don't say a
word and stay where you are, sir. If ye hadn't told me I'd never have
noticed ye."


A noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night, and up the
street. They stopped in front of an imposing residence. After
considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door. A
woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded, none too
sweetly: "What do you want?"

"Ish thish the residence of Mr. Smith?" inquired the man on the steps,
with an elaborate bow.

"It is. What do you want?"

"Ish it possible I have the honor of speakin' to Misshus Smith?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Dear Misshus Smith! Good Misshus Smith! Will you--hic--come down an'
pick out Mr. Smith? The resh of us want to go home."


That clever and brilliant genius, McDougall, who represented California
in the United States Senate, was like many others of his class somewhat
addicted to fiery stimulants, and unable to battle long with them
without showing the effect of the struggle. Even in his most exhausted
condition he was, however, brilliant at repartee; but one night, at a
supper of journalists given to the late George D. Prentice, a genius of
the same mold and the same unfortunate habit, he found a foeman worthy
of his steel in General John Cochrane. McDougall had taken offense at
some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war
times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to
make a reply. The spirit did not move him to utterance, however; on the
contrary, it quite deprived him of the power of speech; and after an
ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded:

"Those are my sentiments, sir, and my name's McDougall."

"I beg the gentleman's pardon," said General Cochrane, springing to his
feet; "but what was that last remark?"

McDougall pronounced it again; "my name's McDougall."

"There must be some error," said Cochrane, gravely. "I have known Mr.
McDougall many years, and there never was a time when as late as twelve
o'clock at night he knew what his name was."


On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were
seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the
home-brewed beer, and was warning his son against the evils of
intemperance. "Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he
has enough. To be drunk is a disgrace."

"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or am drunk?"

The old man pointed with his finger. "Do you see those two men sitting
in the corner? If you see four men there, you would be drunk."

The boy looked long and earnestly. "Yes, Father, but--but--there is only
one man in that corner."--_W. Karl Hilbrich_.


William R. Hearst, who never touches liquor, had several men in
important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to
intoxicants. Mr. Hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at
unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for
instructions. One afternoon he sent for Mr. Blank.

"He hasn't come down yet, sir," reported the office boy.

"Please tell Mr. Dash I want to see him."

"He hasn't come down yet either."

"Well, find Mr. Star or Mr. Sun or Mr. Moon--anybody; I want to see one
of them at once."

"Ain't none of 'em here yet, sir. You see there was a celebration last
night and--"

Mr. Hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way:

"For a man who don't drink I think I suffer more from the effects of it
than anybody in the world."


"What is a drunken man like, Fool?"

"Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes
him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him."--_Shakespeare_.




DYSPEPSIA


"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia."

"And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look
healthy enough."

"Oh," she replied, "I haven't indigestion: my husband has."




ECHOES


An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of
the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor,
produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned
clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the
Yankee exclaimed:

"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."

"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why
in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my
window and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours
afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."




ECONOMY


An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some
other person's expenses.


Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some
day, want something which you probably won't want.--_Anthony Hope_.


Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.


Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last
year's straw hat.--_Abe Martin_.


Economy is a great revenue.--_Cicero_.


_See also_ Domestic finance; Saving; Thrift.




EDITORS


Recipe for an editor:

  Take a personal hatred of authors,
    Mix this with a fiendish delight
  In refusing all efforts of genius
    And maiming all poets on sight.

  --_Life_.


The city editor of a great New York daily was known in the newspaper
world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian. Some of his caustic and
biting criticisms are classics. Once, however, the tables were turned
upon him in a way that left him speechless for days.

A reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not
approve of. The morning of publication this reporter drifted into the
office and encountered his chief, who was in a white heat of anger.
Carefully suppressing the explosion, however, the boss started in with
ominous and icy words:

"Mr. Blank, I am not going to criticize you for what you have written.
On the other hand, I am profoundly sorry for you. I have watched your
work recently, and it is my opinion, reached after calm and
dispassionate observation, that you are mentally unbalanced. You are
insane. Your mind is a wreck. Your friends should take you in hand. The
very kindest suggestion I can make is that you visit an alienist and
place yourself under treatment. So far you have shown no sign of
violence, but what the future holds for you no one can tell. I say this
in all kindness and frankness. You are discharged."

The reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to Bellevue
Hospital. He visited the insane pavilion, and told the resident surgeon
that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked
to be examined. The doctor put him through the regular routine and then
said,

"Right as a top."

"Sure?" asked the reporter. "Will you give me a certificate to that
effect?" The doctor said he would and did. Clutching the certificate
tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later,
walked up to the city editor, handed it to him silently, and then
blurted out,

"Now you go get one."




EDUCATION


Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains
from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he
"struck it rich"; in fact, he was credited with having more wealth than
any one else in Colorado. A man of great shrewdness and ability, he was
exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write. One day an
old-timer met him with:

"How are you getting along, Pat?"

"Go 'way from me now," said Pat genially, "me head's bustin' wid
business. It takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk."


A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally
found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently
welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if
somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking
further particulars about one of the listed articles.

To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written
answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:

"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not
print your letters to me. I can read writing."




EFFICIENCY


An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers.
He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the
tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree, the axle of one
of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped out, ran into
the village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in place with
wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new.

"There's efficiency for you," said the American admirably. "There's
German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks, there's always a stock
at hand from which to supply the needed part."

And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just
witnessed, the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car.
But he couldn't use it. The axle was missing.


A curious little man sat next an elderly, prosperous looking man in a
smoking car.

"How many people work in your office?" he asked.

"Oh," responded the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar,
"I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them."




EGOTISM


In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the
dignity of a man of ten years.

"Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the
wars, and do you think you are better than George Washington?"

"I don't know," replied the boy seriously. "Only time can tell that."


John D. Rockefeller tells this story on himself:

"Golfing one bright winter day I had for caddie a boy who didn't know
me.

"An unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass.

"'My, my,' I said, 'what am I to do now?'

"'See that there tree?' said the boy, pointing to a tall tree a mile
away. 'Well, drive straight for that.'

"I lofted vigorously, and, fortunately, my ball soared up into the air;
it landed, and it rolled right on to the putting green.

"'How's that, my boy?' I cried.

"The caddie stared at me with envious eyes.

"'Gee, boss,' he said, 'if I had your strength and you had my brains
what a pair we'd make!'"


The late Marshall Field had a very small office-boy who came to the
great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages.

"Huh!" said Mr. Field, looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass.
"Want a raise, do you? How much are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week," chirped the little chap.

"Three dollars a week!" exclaimed his employer. "Why, when I was your
age I only got two dollars."

"Oh, well, that's different," piped the youngster. "I guess you weren't
worth any more."


  Here's to the man who is wisest and best,
  Here's to the man who with judgment is blest.
  Here's to the man who's as smart as can be--
  I mean the man who agrees with me.




ELECTIONS


In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and Germans. In
a recent election a local option question was up.

After the election some Germans were counting the votes. One German was
calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first German,
running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."
Suddenly he stopped. "_Mein Gott_!" he cried: "_Dry_!"

Then he went on--"Vet, vet, vet, vet,..."

Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "_Himmel_!" he said.
"Der son of a gun repeated!"


WILLIS--"What's the election today for? Anybody happen to know?"

GILLIS--"It is to determine whether we shall have a convention to
nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a
caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine
whether the people want to vote on this same question again next
year."--_Puck_.


One year, when the youngsters of a certain Illinois village met for the
purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming
season, it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates
for the post, with more than the usual wrangling.

Youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post; and
the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the
ball-field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful
supply of freckles, but he glanced about him with a dignified air of
controlling the situation.

"I'm going to be captain this year," he announced convincingly, "or else
Father's old bull is going to be turned into the field."

He was elected unanimously.--_Fenimore Martin_.


I consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second
thought of the people shall be law.--_Fisher Ames_.




ELECTRICITY


In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the
difference between lightning and electricity?"

And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."




EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS


A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage
at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a
scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza, the young gentleman took
Willie on his lap.

Then, during a pause in the conversation, little Willie looked up at the
young gentleman and piped:

"Am I as heavy as sister Mabel?"


The late Charles Coghlan was a man of great wit and resource. When he
was living in London, his wife started for an out-of-town visit. For
some reason she found it necessary to return home, and on her way
thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it.
Mrs. Coghlan confronted the pair. The actor was equal to the situation.

"My dear," he said to his wife, "allow me to present Miss Blank. Mrs.
Coghlan, Miss Blank."

The two bowed coldly while Coghlan quickly added:

"I know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each
other, so I will ask to be excused."

He lifted his hat, stepped into the cab, and was whirled away.


The evening callers were chatting gaily with the Kinterbys when a patter
of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs. Mrs. Kinterby
raised her hand, warning the others to silence.

"Hush!" she said, softly. "The children are going to deliver their
'good-night' message. It always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear
them--they are so much nearer the Creator than we are, and they speak
the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark
has come. Listen!"

There was a moment of tense silence. Then--"Mama," came the message in a
shrill whisper, "Willy found a bedbug!"


"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to
another.

"How was that?"

"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time
is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo
clock of ours sang out three times."

"What did you do?"

"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."


"Your husband will be all right now," said an English doctor to a woman
whose husband was dangerously ill.

"What do you mean?" demanded the wife. "You told me 'e couldn't live a
fortnight."

"Well, I'm going to cure him, after all," said the doctor. "Surely you
are glad?"

The woman wrinkled her brows.

"Puts me in a bit of an 'ole," she said. "I've bin an' sold all 'is
clothes to pay for 'is funeral."




EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES


"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month
right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."

"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help
that way can hang on to his business."


EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Have you any advice to a struggling young employee?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"Yes. Don't work."

EARNEST YOUNG MAN--"Don't work?"

FRANK OLD GENTLEMAN--"No. Become an employer."


General Benjamin F. Butler built a house in Washington on the same plans
as his home in Lowell, Mass., and his studies were furnished in exactly
the same way. He and his secretary, M. W. Clancy, afterward City Clerk
of Washington for many years, were constantly traveling between the two
places.

One day a senator called upon General Butler in Lowell and the next day
in Washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work
that had occupied them in Massachusetts.

"Heavens, Clancy, don't you ever stop?"

"No," interposed General Butler,

  "'Satan finds some michief still
  For idle hands to do.'"

Clancy arose and bowed, saying:

"General, I never was sure until now what my employer was. I had heard
the rumor, but I always discredited it."


W.J. ("Fingy") Conners, the New York politician, who is not precisely a
Chesterfield, secured his first great freight-handling contract when he
was a roustabout on the Buffalo docks. When the job was about to begin
he called a thousand burly "dock-wallopers" to order, as narrated by one
of his business friends:

"Now," roared Conners, "yez are to worruk for me, and I want ivery man
here to understand what's what. I kin lick anny man in the gang."

Nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult, but one huge,
double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said
"You can't lick me, Jim Conners."

"I can't, can't I?" bellowed "Fingy."

"No, you can't" was the determined response.

"Oh, well, thin, go to the office and git your money," said "Fingy."
"I'll have no man in me gang that I can't lick."


Outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights Mr. Wiggins
as a game of baseball, and when he gets a chance to exploit the two,
both at the same time, he may be said to be the happiest man in the
world. Hence it was that the other day, when little red headed Willie
Mulligan, his office boy, came sniffing into his presence to ask for the
afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral, Wiggins
deemed it a masterly stroke to answer:

"Why, certainly, Willie. What's more, my boy, if you'll wait for me I'll
go with you."

"All right, sir," sniffed Willie as he returned to his desk and waited
patiently.

And, lo and behold, poor little Willie had told the truth, and when he
and Wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the
best games of the season, but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady
in whom he had no interest whatever as well.


CHIEF CLERK (to office boy)--"Why on earth don't you laugh when the boss
tells a joke?"

OFFICE BOY--"I don't have to; I quit on Saturday."--_Satire_.


James J. Hill, the Railway King, told the following amusing incident
that happened on one of his roads:

"One of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints
that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in
a certain small town, thereby blocking travel for long periods. He
issued orders, but still the complaints came in. Finally he decided to
investigate personally.

"A short man in size and very excitable, he went down to the crossing,
and, sure enough, there stood, in defiance of his orders, a long freight
train, anchored squarely across it. A brakeman who didn't know him by
sight sat complacently on the top of the car.

"'Move that train on!' sputtered the little 'super.' 'Get it off the
crossing so people can pass. Move on, I say!'

"The brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot.
'You go to the deuce, you little shrimp,' he replied. 'You're small
enough to crawl under.'"




ENEMIES


An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a
near-by preacher to pray with him.

The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old
man said: "What do you want me to do, Parson?"

"Renounce the Devil, renounce the Devil," replied the preacher.

"Well, but, Parson," protested the dying man, "I ain't in position to
make any enemies."


It is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends, for
one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies
a friend.--_Bias_.


  The world is large when its weary leagues
    two loving hearts divide;
  But the world is small when your enemy is
    loose on the other side.

  --_John Boyle O'Reilly_.




ENGLAND


_See_ Great Britain.




ENGLISH LANGUAGE


A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do
not touch the Lift at your own risk."


The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb
considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students would gain
the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as
learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb "to
have" in the sentence, "I have a gold mine."

Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff.

"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I haff a golt mine," the
professor ordered.

"I haff a golt mine, du hast a golt dein, he hass a golt hiss. Ve, you
or dey haff a golt ours, yours or deirs, as de case may be."


Language is the expression of ideas, and if the people of one country
cannot preserve an identity of ideas, they cannot retain an identity of
language.--_Noah Webster_.




ENGLISHMEN


He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_.


Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the
center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the comedian a
cigar, saying that it was a new production.

"With each cigar, you understand," the promoter said, "I will give a
coupon, and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring
the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano."

Nat sniffed the cigar, pinched it gently, and then replied: "If I smoked
three thousand of these cigars I think I would need a harp instead of a
grand piano."

There was a burst of laughter in which the Englishman did not join, but
presently he exploded with merriment. "I see the point" he exclaimed.
"Being an actor, you have to travel around the country a great deal and
a harp would be so much more convenient to carry."




ENTHUSIASM


Theodore Watts, says Charles Rowley in his book "Fifty Years of Work
Without Wages," tells a good story against himself. A nature enthusiast,
he was climbing Snowdon, and overtook an old gypsy woman. He began to
dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery, in somewhat gushing phrases.
The woman paid no attention to him. Provoked by her irresponsiveness, he
said, "You don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery?" She took
the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler: "I enjies it; I
don't jabber."




EPITAPHS


LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!"

HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the
inscriptions on the tombstones."

HIS FATHER--"And what were your thoughts after you had done so?"

LITTLE CLARENCE--"Why, pa, I wondered where all the wicked people were
buried."--_Judge_.


The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around
the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride
paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the
bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the
inscription, and in reverent tones he read:

"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of
John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith--"

He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom
line, read, to her horror:

"Be Ye Also Ready."


A man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit
upon, "Lord, she was Thine." He had his own ideas of the size of the
letters and the space between words, and gave instructions to the
stonemason. The latter carried them out all right, except that he could
not get in the "E" in Thine.


In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her
loving husband, bearing this inscription: "Rest in peace--until we meet
again."


An epitaph in an old Moravian cemetery reads thus:

  Remember, friend, as you pass by,
  As you are now, so once was I;
  As I am now thus you must be,
  So be prepared to follow me.

There had been written underneath in pencil, presumably by some wag:

  To follow you I'm not content
  Till I find out which way you went.


I expected it, but I didn't expect it quite so soon.--_Life_.


  After Life's scarlet fever
  I sleep well.


  Here lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
  Who never did aught to vex one.
  (Not like the woman under the next stone.)


As a general thing, the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar.--_John
E. Rosser_.


      Maria Brown,
  Wife of Timothy Brown,
      aged 80 years.
  She lived with her husband fifty years, and died
  in the confident hope of a better life.


Here lies the body of Enoch Holden, who died suddenly and unexpectedly
by being kicked to death by a cow. Well done, good and faithful servant!


A bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to
divert his mind by traveling abroad. Before his departure, however, he
left orders for a tombstone with the inscription:

  "The light of my life has gone out."

Travel brought unexpected and speedy relief, and before the time for his
return he had taken another wife. It was then that he remembered the
inscription, and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife, he
wrote to the stone-cutter, asking that he exercise his ingenuity in
adapting it to the new conditions. After his return he took his new wife
to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to
read:

  "The light of my life has gone out,
  But I have struck another match."


    Here lies Bernard Lightfoot,
  Who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year
    of his age.
  This monument was erected by his grateful family.


  I thought it mushroom when I found
    It in the woods, forsaken;
  But since I sleep beneath this mound,
    I must have been mistaken.



On the tombstone of a Mr. Box appears this inscription:
    Here lies one Box within another.
  The one of wood was very good,
    We cannot say so much for t'other.


  Nobles and heralds by your leave,
    Here lies what once was Matthew Prior;
  The son of Adam and of Eve;
    Can Bourbon or Nassau claim higher?

  --_Prior_.


  Kind reader! take your choice to cry or laugh;
  Here Harold lies-but where's his Epitaph?
  If such you seek, try Westminster, and view
  Ten thousand, just as fit for him as you.

  --_Byron_.


I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities
inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone.--_Charles Lamb_.




EPITHETS


John Fiske, the historian, was once interrupted by his wife, who
complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors.
Mr. Fiske called the youngster into his study.

"My boy, is it true that you called Mrs. Jones a fool?"

The boy hung his head. "Yes, father." "And did you call Mr. Jones a
worse fool?"

"Yes, father."

Mr. Fiske frowned and pondered for a minute. Then he said:

"Well, my son, that is just about the distinction I should make."


"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer
nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"

"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"

"Why in the world--"

"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."




EQUALITY


As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other
day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out
of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge.

A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the
captain of that vessel?"

"No," answered the officer.

"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the
barge.




ERMINE


  Said an envious, erudite ermine:
  "There's one thing I cannot determine:
    When a man wears my coat,
    He's a person of note,
  While I'm but a species of vermin!"




ESCAPES


There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden
that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills
that surrounded the skating pond.

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts
and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large
black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering
teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the
edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:

"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."

"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry
up. It's cold in here."

"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if
you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your
shoulders."

"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if
it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"




ETHICS


      My ethical state,
      Were I wealthy and great,
  Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.
      Now who can foresee
      What his morals _might_ be?
  What would yours be if you were a lion?

  --_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.




ETIQUET


A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting
her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would
not do it."

"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling
herself comfortably.

"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."

"Can't thank them! Why not?"

"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston
maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.


A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that,
but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall
back into her mouth again.

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
Chew your gum like a little lady."


LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"

LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to
holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_.


  A Lady there was of Antigua,
  Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"
    He answered, "My queen,
    Is it manners you mean,
  Or do you refer to my figure?"

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.

"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.

"Tart," said Tommy promptly.

His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had
given the boy.

"Tart, what?" he queried kindly.

But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry.

"Tart, what?" asked the father again, sharply this time.

"Tart, first," answered Tommy triumphantly.


TOMMY'S AUNT--"Won't you have another piece of cake, Tommy?"

TOMMY (on a visit)--"No, I thank you."

TOMMY'S AUNT--"You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite."

TOMMY--"That ain't loss of appetite. What I'm sufferin' from is
politeness."


  There was a young man so benighted,
  He never knew when he was slighted;
    He would go to a party,
    And eat just as hearty,
  As if he'd been really invited.




EUROPEAN WAR


OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool!
Come back at once!"

TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_.


"You can tell an Englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up."

"Pride, eh?"

"No, Zeppelin neck."


LITTLE GIRL (who has been sitting very still with a seraphic
expression)--"I wish I was an angel, mother!"

MOTHER--"What makes you say that, darling?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Because then I could drop bombs on the Germans!"--_Punch_.


From a sailor's letter to his wife:

    "Dear Jane,--I am sending you a postal order for 10s., which I
    hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass
    the Censor."

--_Punch_.


Two country darkies listened, awe-struck, while some planters discussed
the tremendous range of the new German guns.

"Dar now," exclaimed one negro, when his master had finished expatiating
on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell, "jes' lak
I bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time! Don' le's have no guns lak dem
roun' heah! Why, us niggehs could start runnin' erway, run all day, git
almos' home free, an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh!"

"Dat's de trufe," assented his companion, "an' lemme tell yo' sumpin'
else, Bo. All dem guns needs is jus' yo' _ad_-dress, dat's all; jes'
giv' em de _ad_-dress an' they'll git yo'."


_See also_ War.




EVIDENCE


From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a
policeman had managed to extract two prisoners.

"What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrate
before whom they were arraigned.

"Disturbin' the peace, yer honor," said the policeman. "They were givin'
their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally."

"What is your name?" the judge asked one of the prisoners.

"Ro-ro-robert Ro-ro-rollins," stuttered the youth.

"I asked for your name, sir, not the evidence."


  Maud Muller, on a summer night,
  Turned down the only parlor light.

  The judge, beside her, whispered things
  Of wedding bells and diamond rings.

  He spoke his love in burning phrase,
  And acted foolish forty ways.

  When he had gone Maud gave a laugh
  And then turned off the dictagraph.

--_Milwaukee Sentinel_.


One day a hostess asked a well known Parisian judge: "Your Honor, which
do you prefer, Burgundy or Bordeaux?"

"Madame, that is a case in which I have so much pleasure in taking the
evidence that I always postpone judgment," was the wily jurist's reply.

_See also_ Courts; Witnesses.




EXAMINATIONS


An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred
history, dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God
took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death
of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly
when asked in examination: State in the exact language of the Bible what
is said of Enoch's death.

But this was the answer he got:

"Enoch was not what God took him for."


A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some
amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.
The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the
indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods.
His efforts resulted as follows:

"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty
questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God
help me!"


The following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost
any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to
climb:

Magna Charta said that the King had no right to bring soldiers into a
lady's house and tell her to mind them.

Panama is a town of Colombo, where they are trying to make an isthmus.

The three highest mountains in Scotland are Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond and
Ben Jonson.

Wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from York to London.

Bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters.

"Those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great Elizabeth"
refers to the songs that Queen Elizabeth used to write in her spare
time.

Tennyson wrote a poem called Grave's Energy.

The Rump Parliament consisted entirely of Cromwell's stalactites.

The plural of spouse is spice.

Queen Elizabeth rode a white horse from Kenilworth through Coventry with
nothing on, and Raleigh offered her his cloak.

The law allowing only one wife is called monotony.

When England was placed under an Interdict the Pope stopped all births,
marriages and deaths for a year.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The gods of the Indians are chiefly Mahommed and Buddha, and in their
spare time they do lots of carving.

Every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another.

The Seven Great Powers of Europe are gravity, electricity, steam, gas,
fly-wheels, and motors, and Mr. Lloyd George.

The hydra was married to Henry VIII. When he cut off her head another
sprung up.

Liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it
afterward.

The Habeas Corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he
liked.

Becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous.

The two races living in the north of Europe are Esquimaux and
Archangels.

Skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his
outsides off.

Ellipsis is when you forget to kiss.

A bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette.

Artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are
only just dead.

A night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air.

The tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon
drawing it in again.

The liver is an infernal organ of the body.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

Triangles are of three kinds, the equilateral or three-sided, the
quadrilateral or four-sided, and the multilateral or polyglot.

General Braddock was killed in the Revolutionary War. He had three
horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes.

A buttress is the wife of a butler.

The young Pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was
born in a frying-pan.

A verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion.

A Passive Verb is when the subject is the sufferer, e.g., I am loved.

Lord Raleigh was the first man to see the invisible Armada.

A schoolmaster is called a pedigree.

The South of the U. S. A. grows oranges, figs, melons and a great
quantity of preserved fruits, especially tinned meats.

The wife of a Prime Minister is called a Primate.

The Greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable.

The American war was started because the people would persist in sending
their parcels thru the post without stamps.

Prince William was drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine; he never laughed
again.

The heart is located on the west side of the body.

Richard II is said to have been murdered by some historians; his real
fate is uncertain.

Subjects have a right to partition the king.

A kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth.

He had nothing left to live for but to die.

Franklin's education was got by himself. He worked himself up to be a
great literal man. He was also able to invent electricity. Franklin's
father was a tallow chandelier.

Monastery is the place for monsters.

Sir Walter Raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire
in his head. And one day after there had been a lot of rain, he threw
his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over.

The Greeks planted colonists for their food supplies.

Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail
will kill a man.

A mosquito is the child of black and white parents.

An author is a queer animal because his tales (tails) come from his
head.

Wind is air in a hurry.

The people that come to America found Indians, but no people.

Shadows are rays of darkness.

Lincoln wrote the address while riding from Washington to Gettysburg on
an envelope.

Queen Elizabeth was tall and thin, but she was a stout protestant.

An equinox is a man who lives near the north pole.

An abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red
hot poker.

The population of New England is too dry for farming.

Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, the
chist, and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any.
The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick is
devoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, and
sometimes w and y.

Filigree means a list of your descendants.

"The Complete Angler" was written by Euclid because he knew all about
angles.

The imperfect tense in French is used to express a future action in past
time which does not take place at all.

Arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones; It gets into your hair even
with your mouth shut.

The modern name for Gaul is vinegar.

Some of the West India Islands are subject to torpedoes.

The Crusaders were a wild and savage people until Peter the Hermit
preached to them.

On the low coast plains of Mexico yellow fever is very popular.

Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.

Gender shows whether a man is masculine, feminine, or neuter.

An angle is a triangle with only two sides.

Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels.

Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.

A vacuum is a large empty space where the Pope lives.

A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian.

Vapor is dried water.

The Salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt.

The Zodiac is the Zoo of the sky, where lions, goats and other animals
go after they are dead.

The Pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying
in synonyms.

An abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it.




EXCUSES


The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the
following week without their application blanks properly filled out as
to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday
morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "What
is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her. "Oh,"
sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born."


O. Henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him
quickly famous. Shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a
New York publishing house, after vainly writing several times for a
check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties.

"I'm sorry," explained the cashier, "but Mr. Blank, who signs the
checks, is laid up with a sprained ankle."

"But, my dear sir," expostulated the author, "does he sign them with his
feet?"


Strolling along the boardwalk at Atlantic City, Mr. Mulligan, the
wealthy retired contractor, dropped a quarter through a crack in the
planking. A friend came along a minute later and found him squatted
down, industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous
cranny with his forefinger.

"Mulligan, what the divvil ar-re ye doin'?" inquired the friend.

"Sh-h," said Mr. Mulligan, "I'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear
up this board."


A captain, inspecting his company one morning, came to an Irishman who
evidently had not shaved for several days.

"Doyle," he asked, "how is it that you haven't shaved this morning?"

"But Oi did, sor."

"How dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face?"

"Well, ye see, sor," stammered Doyle, "there wus nine of us to one small
bit uv a lookin'-glass, an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion Oi
shaved some other man's face."


"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just
called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner
to-night, as I am detained at the office."

"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I
don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra
playing in your office. Good-by."


"What is the matter, dearest?" asked the mother of a small girl who had
been discovered crying in the hall.

"Somfing awful's happened, Mother."

"Well, what is it, sweetheart?"

"My d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry."


A poor casual laborer, working on a scaffolding, fell five stories to
the ground. As his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid, he
picked himself up, uninjured, from a great, soft pile of sand.

"Say, fellers," he murmured anxiously, "is the boss mad? Tell him I had
to come down anyway for a ball of twine."


Cephas is a darky come up from Maryland to a border town in
Pennsylvania, where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd
jobs. He is a good worker, and sober, but there are certain proclivities
of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him. Not long ago he
was caught with a chicken under his coat, and was haled to court to
explain its presence there.

"Now, Cephas," said the judge very kindly, "you have got into a new
place, and you ought to have new habits. We have been good to you and
helped you, and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker,
this other business cannot be tolerated. Why did you take Mrs. Gilkie's
chicken?"

Cephas was stumped, and he stood before the majesty of the law, rubbing
his head and looking ashamed of himself. Finally he answered:

"Deed, I dunno, Jedge," he explained, "ceptin' 't is dat chickens is
chickens and niggers is niggers."


GRANDMA--"Johnny, I have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar
than I gave you."

JOHNNY--"Yes, Grandma, I've been making believe there was another little
boy spending the day with me."


Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the
other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at
the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk
hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his
married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. "And, would
you believe it, Mary?--not a one stood up." "George," his wife said,
"why didn't you stand up?" "Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I
know I look like hell in a silk hat."


  And oftentimes excusing of a fault
  Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse,
  As patches set upon a little breach,
  Discredit more in hiding of the fault
  Than did the fault before it was so patched.

  --_Shakespeare_.




EXPOSURE


TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure."

WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.




EXTORTION


_See_ Dressmakers.




EXTRAVAGANCE

  There was a young girl named O'Neill,
  Who went up in the great Ferris wheel;
    But when half way around
    She looked at the ground,
  And it cost her an eighty-cent meal.


Everybody knew that John Polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town, but
nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry Susan Rankin,
seeing that he had known her for years. For awhile they got along fairly
well but one day after five years of it John hung himself in the attic,
where Susan used to dry the wash on rainy days, and a carpenter, who
went up to the roof to do some repairs, found him there. He told Susan,
and Susan hurried up to see about it, and, sure enough, the carpenter
was right. She stood looking at her late husband for about a
minute--kind of dazed, the carpenter thought--then she spoke.

"Well, I declare!" she exclaimed. "If he hasn't used my new
clothes-line, and the old would have done every bit as well! But, of
course, that's just like John Polkinhorn."


"The editor of my paper," declared the newspaper business manager to a
little coterie of friends, "is a peculiar genius. Why, would you believe
it, when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for
spending money and sends the rest to his wife in Indianapolis!"

His listeners--with one exception, who sat silent and reflective--gave
vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration.

"Now, it may sound thin," added the speaker, "but it is true,
nevertheless."

"Oh, I don't doubt it at all!" quickly rejoined the quiet one; "I was
only wondering what he does with the dollar!"


An Irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after
pay day. When his leave expired he didn't appear. He was brought at last
before the commandant for sentence, and the following dialogue is
recorded:

"Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement."

"Yes, sur."

"Have you any money left?"

"No, sur."

"You had $35 when you left the fort, didn't you?"

"Yes, sur."

"What did you do with it?"

"Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a
place and spint $8. Thin we came out and I met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin I come out and we met another friend and we
spint $8 more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends,
and I spint $8 more--and thin I come home."

"But, Murphy, that makes only $32. What did you do with the other $3?"
Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said:

"I dunno, colonel, I reckon I must have squandered that money
foolishly."




FAILURES


Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true,
father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?"

His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, Ikey," he
finally replied, "If you get a rich wife, it's almost as good as a
failure."




FAITH


Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and
garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life
in America_.


"What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher.

"Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readin' in the papers that the
price o' things has come down, an expectin' to find it true when the
bills comes in."


Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt.


"As I understand it, Doctor, if I believe I'm well, I'll be well. Is
that the idea?"

"It is."

"Then, if you believe you are paid, I suppose you'll be paid."

"Not necessarily."

"But why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other?"

"Why, you see, there is considerable difference between having faith in
Providence and having faith in you."--_Horace Zimmerman_.


Mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as
to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to
sleep. As a clincher, the mother said: "There is no reason at all why
you should be afraid. Remember that God is here all the time, and,
besides, you have your dolly. Now go to sleep like a good little girl."
Twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs, and mother went to the
foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter. "Don't cry," she said;
"remember what I told you--God is there with you and you have your
dolly." "But I don't want them," wailed the baby; "I want you, muvver; I
want somebody here that has got a skin face on them."


  Faith is a fine invention
    For gentlemen who see;
  But Microscopes are prudent
    In an emergency.

  --_Emily Dickinson_.




FAITHFULNESS


A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first
they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a
trial. He seemed to be making good, and they gradually increased the
size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound
anvil under each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke
and the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and spluttering he came
to the surface.

"T'row me a rope, I say!" he shouted again. Once more he sank. A third
time he rose struggling.

"Say!" he spluttered angrily, "if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up
an' t'row me a rope I'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings!"




FAME


Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on
the part of people who are not thinking of you.


Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to
meet an editor who was hard up for material.


Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining
it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to
deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.




FAMILIES


"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great
Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am
English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."


Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties
for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for
her absence.

"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.

"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.

"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second
husband; three by the second wife of me furst."


A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way
to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a
policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:

"Come along wid me."

"What for?"

"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out
why that crowd was following ye."




FAREWELLS


  Happy are we met, Happy have we been,
  Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.


A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter
off on a journey. Securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went
around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was
leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and
at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the
window.

Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the
window and said: "One more kiss, pet."

In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the
window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed
wretch!"


"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the
play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"

"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."

"Well, yes."

"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."


  "Farewell!"
  For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er
  We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.

  --_Byron_.




FASHION


There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are
comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.


There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long
discussions about the very latest fashions. That night when she said her
prayers, she added a new petition, uttered with unwonted fervency:

"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."


  Nothing is thought rare
  Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know
  That what was worn some twenty years ago
  Comes into grace again.

  --_Beaumont and Fletcher_.


As good be out of the World as out of the Fashion.--_Colley Cibber_.




FATE


  Fate hit me very hard one day.
  I cried: "What is my fault?
  What have I done? What causes, pray,
  This unprovoked assault?"
  She paused, then said: "Darned if I know;
  I really can't explain."
  Then just before she turned to go
  She whacked me once again!

  --_La Touche Hancock_.


  So in the Libyan fable it is told
  That once an eagle stricken with a dart,
  Said, when he saw the fashion of the shaft,
  "With our own feathers, not by others' hands,
  Are we now smitten."

  --_Aeschylus_.




FATHERS


A director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing
his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history.
Pointing to a picture of a zebra, he asked the baby to tell him what it
represented. Baby answered "Coty."

Pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way, she answered "Kitty."
Then a lion, and she answered "Doggy." Elated with her seeming quick
perception, he then turned to the picture of a Chimpanzee and said:

"Baby, what is this?"

"Papa."




FAULTS


  Women's faults are many,
    Men have only two--
  Everything they say,
    And everything they do.

  --_Le Crabbe_.




FEES


_See_ Tips.




FEET


BIG MAN (with a grouch)--"Will you be so kind as to get off my feet?"

LITTLE MAN (with a bundle)--"I'll try, sir. Is it much of a walk?"




FIGHTING


"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?"

"Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_.


"There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is
torn to bits," said Mamma, as her youngest appeared at the door. "How
many times have I told you not to play with that bad Jenkins boy?"

"Now, look here, Mother," said Bobby, "do I look as if we'd been
playing?"


Two of the leading attorneys of Memphis, who had been warm friends for
years, happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago. The
older of the two was a man of magnificent physique, almost six feet
four, and built in proportion, while the younger was barely five feet
and weighed not more than ninety pounds.

In the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark
that aroused the ire of his small adversary. A moment later he felt a
great pulling and tugging at his coat tails. Looking down, he was
greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing
around him.

"What on earth are you trying to do there, Dudley?" he asked.

"By Gawd, suh, I'm fightin', suh!"


An Irishman boasted that he could lick any man in Boston, yes,
Massachusetts, and finally he added New England. When he came to, he
said: "I tried to cover too much territory."


"Dose Irish make me sick, alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey
are," said a Teutonic resident of Hoboken, with great contempt. "Vhy, at
Minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken Mike O'Hooligan butted in,
und me und mein bruder, und mein cousin Fritz und mein frient Louie
Hartmann--vhy, we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house!"


VILLAGE GROCER--"What are you running for, sonny?"

BOY--"I'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'."

VILLAGE GROCER--"Who are the fellows?"

BOY--"Bill Perkins and me!"--_Puck_.


An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the
outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in
court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed
about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a
knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend
of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four
others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."


"Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black
eye?" asked the magistrate.

"Sure, your honor, he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the
black eye," replied the complaining wife.--_London Telegraph_.


A pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled
live lobster. When the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus
one claw. The pessimistic young man promptly kicked. The waiter said it
was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two
lobsters. The other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster
and had eaten it. The young man pushed the lobster over toward the
waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, "and bring me the winner."


There never was a good war or a bad peace.--_Benjamin Franklin_.


The master-secret in fighting is to strike once, but in the right
place.--_John C. Snaith_.




FINANCE


  Willie had a savings bank;
  'Twas made of painted tin.
  He passed it 'round among the boys,
  Who put their pennies in.

  Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought
  Sweetmeats and chewing gum.
  And to the other envious lads
  He never offered some.

  "What will we do?" his mother said:
  "It is a sad mischance."
  His father said: "We'll cultivate
  His gift for high finance."

  --_Washington Star_.


HICKS--"I've got to borrow $200 somewhere."

WICKS--"Take my advice and borrow $300 while you are about it."

"But I only need $200."

"That doesn't make any difference. Borrow $300 and pay back $100 of it
in two installments at intervals of a month or so. Then the man that you
borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it."


It is said J. P. Morgan could raise $10,000,000 on his check any minute;
but the man who is raising a large family on $9 a week is a greater
financier than Morgan.


To modernize an old prophecy, "out of the mouths of babes shall come
much worldly wisdom." Mr. K. has two boys whom he dearly loves. One day
he gave each a dollar to spend. After much bargaining, they brought home
a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars. For
awhile the transportation business flourished, and all was well, but one
day Craig explained to his father that while business had been good, he
could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars
like Joe's. His arguments must have been good, for the money was
forthcoming. Soon after, little Toe, with probably less logic but more
loving, became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like Craig's.
But Mr. K., who had furnished the additional capital, looked in vain for
the improved service. The new rolling stock was not in evidence, and
explanations were vague and unsatisfactory, as is often the case in the
railroad game at which men play. It took a stern court of inquiry to
develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed
hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent. And Mr. K., as he
told his neighbor, said it was worth that much to know that his boys
would not need much of a legacy from him.--_P.A. Kershaw_.


An old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close
bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the
small sum of twelve dollars.

"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" his brother
inquired.

"Well," said the old painter, "you see, the owner is a mighty onreliable
man. If I'd said I'd charge him twenty-five dollars, likely he'd have
only paid me nineteen. And if I charge him twelve dollars, he may not
pay me but nine. So I thought it over, and decided to paint it for
twelve dollars, so I wouldn't lose so much."




FINGER-BOWLS


MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've
had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked
for have them on the table?"

BRIDGET--"No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they
came."




FIRE DEPARTMENTS


Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.

Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a
ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out!
The fire department's coming."

Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon
and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove
on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along.
The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing
it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The
policeman ran to his assistance.

"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't
I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"

"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way
for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters
in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"


Two Irishmen fresh from Ireland had just landed in New York and engaged
a room in the top story of a hotel. Mike, being very sleepy, threw
himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep. The sights were so new and
strange to Pat that he sat at the window looking out. Soon an alarm of
fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire
and clouds of smoke. This greatly excited Pat, who called to his comrade
to get up and come to the window, but Mike was fast asleep. Another
engine soon followed the first, spouting smoke and fire like the former.
This was too much for poor Pat, who rushed excitedly to the bedside, and
shaking his friend called loudly:

"Mike, Mike, wake up! They are moving Hell, and two loads have gone by
already."




FIRE ESCAPES


Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected
after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.




FIRES


"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday."

"Sh! Next Thursday."




FIRST AID IN ILLNESS AND INJURY


The father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the
family physician. "Our little boy is sick, Doctor," he said, "so please
come at once."

"I can't get over much under an hour," said the doctor.

"Oh please do, Doctor. You see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before
the Doctor Comes,' and I'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here!"


NURSE GIRL--"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the
well!"

FOND PARENT--"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get
the last number of _The Modern Mother's Magazine_; it contains an
article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"


SURGEON AT NEW YORK HOSPITAL--"What brought you to this dreadful
condition? Were you run over by a street-car?"

PATIENT--"No, sir; I fainted, and was brought to by a member of the
Society of First Aid to the Injured."--_Life_.


A prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored
woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the woman
advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way.

"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.

"Doc, she done swallered a bottle of ink!"

"I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the doctor. "Have
you done anything for her?"

"I done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper, Doc," said the colored
woman doubtfully.




FISH


A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen
fried oysters."

"Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah,
'ceptin' eggs."


Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the
mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said:

"These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger
fish."

Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked:

"But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?"




FISHERMEN


At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be
found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always
used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the
cellar, and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds.


"Doin' any good?" asked the curious individual on the bridge.

"Any good?" answered the fisherman, in the creek below. "Why I caught
forty bass out o' here yesterday."

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the man on the bridge.

The fisherman replied that he did not.

"Well, I am the county fish and game warden."

The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I
am?"

"No," the officer replied.

"Well, I'm the biggest liar in eastern Indiana," said the crafty angler,
with a grin.


A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father
informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all
he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand
that your father would like Venice, with its gondolas, and St. Markses
and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."


Smith the other day went fishing. He caught nothing, so on his way back
home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass
around to his house.

He got home late himself. His wife said to him on his arrival:

"Well, what luck?"

"Why, splendid luck, of course," he replied. "Didn't the boy bring that
dozen bass I gave him?"

Mrs. Smith started. Then she smiled.

"Well, yes, I suppose he did," she said. "There they are."

And she showed poor Smith a dozen bottles of Bass's ale.


"You'll be a man like one of us some day," said the patronizing
sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream.

"Yes, sir," he answered, "I s'pose I will some day, but I b'lieve I'd
rather stay small and ketch a few fish."


The more worthless a man, the more fish he can catch.


As no man is born an artist, so no man is born an angler.--_Izaak
Walton_.




FISHING


A man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake
in Colorado which he had in contemplation.

"Are there any trout out there?" asked one friend.

"Thousands of 'em," replied Mr. Wharry.

"Will they bite easily?" asked another friend.

"Will they?" said Mr. Wharry. "Why they're absolutely vicious. A man has
to hide behind a tree to bait a hook."


"I got a bite--I got a bite!" sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing
party. But when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was
only a bare hook. "Where's the fish?" he asked. "He unbit and div," said
the child.


The late Justice Brewer was with a party of New York friends on a
fishing trip in the Adirondacks, and around the camp fire one evening
the talk naturally ran on big fish. When it came his turn the jurist
began, uncertain as to how he was going to come out:

"We were fishing one time on the Grand Banks for--er--for--"

"Whales," somebody suggested.

"No," said the Justice, "we were baiting with whales."


"Lo, Jim! Fishin'?"

"Naw; drowning worms."


We may say of angling as Dr. Boteler said of strawberries: "Doubtless
God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did"; and so
(if I might be judge), God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent
recreation than angling.--_Izaak Walton_.




FLATS


"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?"

"Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a
folding toothbrush?"


She hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel, but she took
refuge in a flood of tears.

"Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she
sobbed.

"I know it," he returned solemnly; "but this confounded flat is so tiny
that there's no place to lay anything down."




FLATTERY


With a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon Daniel O'Connell.
"The day of great men," she said, "is gone forever."

"But the day of beautiful women is not," he responded.

She smiled and blushed. "I was only joking," she explained, hurriedly.


MAGISTRATE (about to commit for trial)--"You certainly effected the
robbery in a remarkably ingenious way; in fact, with quite exceptional
cunning."

PRISONER--"Now, yer honor, no flattery, please; no flattery, I begs
yer."


OLD MAID--"But why should a great strong man like you be found begging?"

WAYFARER--"Dear lady, it is the only profession I know in which a
gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction."


William ---- was said to be the ugliest, though the most lovable, man in
Louisiana. On returning to the plantation after a short absence, his
brother said:

"Willie, I met in New Orleans a Mrs. Forrester who is a great admirer of
yours. She said, though, that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your
mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which
charmed and delighted her."

"Edmund," cried William earnestly, "that is a wicked lie, but tell it to
me again!"


"You seem to be an able-bodied man. You ought to be strong enough to
work."

"I know, mum. And you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage,
but evidently you prefer the simple life."

After that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile.


      O, that men's ears should be
  To counsel deaf, but not to flattery!

  --_Shakespeare_.




FLIES


_See_ Pure food.




FLIRTATION


It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is
attention without intention.


"There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle."

"Yes, I got engaged on that theory, but it looks as if I'm in for a
wedding or a breach of promise suit."


A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed
a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little
Mary, two of her pupils.

Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute
his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he
stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.

"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you
like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go
ahead of you?"

"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."




FLOWERS


Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know
why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."




FOOD


A man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece
of old-fashioned Washington pie. The waiter, not understanding and yet
unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge, brought the customer a piece
of chocolate cake.

"No, no, my friend," said the smiling man. "I meant _George_ Washington,
not _Booker_ Washington."


One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady, one of the "pillars"
of the church to which they both belonged. As he thought of her long and
useful life, and looked upon her sweet, placid countenance bearing but
few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was moved
to ask her, "My dear Mrs. S., what has been the chief source of your
strength and sustenance during all these years? What has appealed to you
as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body, and has been
to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may
pass the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it myself."

The old lady thought a moment, then lifting her eyes, dim with age, yet
kindling with sweet memories of the past, answered briefly,
"Victuals."--_Sarah L. Tenney_.


A girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to
the editor:

_Dear Sir_: Seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains, what kind
of fish shall I eat?

To this the editor replied:

_Dear Miss_: Judging from the composition of your letter I should advise
you to eat a whale.


A hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant
and ordered a chicken pie. When it arrived he raised the lid and sat
gazing at the contents intently for a while. Finally he called the
waiter.

"Look here, Sam," he said, "what did I order?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"And what have you brought me?"

"Chicken pie, sah."

"Chicken pie, you black rascal!" the customer replied. "Chicken pie?
Why, there's not a piece of chicken in it, and never was."

"Dat's right, boss--dey ain't no chicken in it."

"Then why do you call it chicken pie? I never heard of such a thing."

"Dat's all right, boss. Dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken
pie. Dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit, is dey?"


_See also_ Dining.




FOOTBALL


His SISTER--"His nose seems broken."

His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth."

His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.




FORDS


A boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a
Ford automobile. A playmate passed him, looked at his position, then
sang out: "Hey, Bobbie, have you lost your other skate?"


A farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and
gazing upward, asked him if he were watching the birds.

"No," he answered, "I was cranking my Ford car and my hand slipped off
and the thing got away and went straight up in the air."




FORECASTING


A lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid.

"Well, Jenny?" she asked, seeing that something was in the air.

"Please, Mis' Mary, might I have the aft'noon off three weeks frum
Wednesday?" Then, noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face, she
added hastily--"I want to go to my finance's fun'ral."

"Goodness me," answered the lady--"Your finance's funeral! Why, you
don't know that he's even going to die, let alone the date of his
funeral. That is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are
going to die."

"Yes'm," said the girl doubtfully. Then, with a triumphant note in her
voice--"I'se sure about him, Mis', 'cos he's goin' to be hung!"




FORESIGHT


"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom
friend Ann said.

"Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin'
the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine, and the
Magistrate said that if I come afore 'im ag'in, or laid me 'ands on the
old man, he'd fine me forty shillin's!"

"And so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief?"

"Not much; I'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine!"


"Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin' to die. I'd give a thousand
dollars to know the place where I'm goin' to die."

"Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?"

"Lots," said Pat. "Shure I'd never go near that place."


  There once was a pious young priest,
  Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
    "For," he said, "it is plain
    We must all rise again,
  And I want to get started, at least."




FORGETFULNESS


_See_ Memory.




FORTUNE HUNTERS


HER FATHER--"So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you
fixed the day of the wedding?"

SUITOR--"I will leave that to my fiancee."

H.F.--"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"

S.--"Her mother can decide that, sir."

H.F.--"What have you to live on?"

S.--"I will leave that entirely to you, sir."


The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his
government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great
Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without
result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to
work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."


"I would die for you," said the rich suitor.

"How soon?" asked the practical girl.


HE--"I'd like to meet Miss Bond."

SHE--"Why?"

"I hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance."

"Is she looking for one?"--_Life_.


MAUDE--"I've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his
deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone. Could you love
a girl like that?"

JACK--"That's just the kind of a girl I could love. What's her address?"


"Yes," said the old man to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls,
and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a
little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is
Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her
$1,000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five
again, and I shall give her $3,000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is
forty, will have $5,000 with her."

The young man reflected for a moment and then inquired: "You haven't one
about fifty, have you?"




FOUNTAIN PENS


"Fust time you've ever milked a cow, is it?" said Uncle Josh to his
visiting nephew. "Wal, y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers
do."

"It seems to come natural somehow," said the youth, flushing with
pleasure. "I've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen."


"Percy" asks if we know anything which will change the color of the
fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking.

He might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens.




FOURTH OF JULY


"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?"

"Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at
least once a year."


One Fourth of July night in London, the Empire Music Hall advertised
special attractions to American visitors. All over the auditorium the
Union Jack and Stars and Stripes enfolded one another, and at the
interludes were heard "Yankee Doodle" and "Hail Columbia," while a
quartette sang "Down upon the Swanee River." It was an occasion to swell
the heart of an exiled patriot. Finally came the turn of the Human
Encyclopedia, who advanced to the front of the stage and announced
himself ready to answer, sight unseen, all questions the audience might
propound. A volley of queries was fired at him, and the Encyclopedia
breathlessly told the distance of the earth from Mars, the number of
bones in the human skeleton, of square miles in the British Empire, and
other equally important facts. There was a brief pause, in which an
American stood up.

"What great event took place July 4, 1776?" he propounded in a loud glad
voice.

The Human Encyclopedia glared at him. "Th' hincident you speak of, sir,
was a hinfamous houtrage!"




FREAKS


_See_ Husbands.




FREE THOUGHT


TOMMY--"Pop, what is a freethinker?"

POP--"A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married."




FRENCH LANGUAGE


"I understand you speak French like a native."

"No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down
pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures."


In Paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts
of "Chantecler": "I think it's mo' fun when you don't understand French.
It sounds mo' like chickens!"--_Life_.




FRESHMEN


_See_ College Students.




FRIENDS


  The Lord gives our relatives,
  Thank God we can choose our friends.


"Father."

"Well, what is it?"

"It says here, 'A man is known by the company he keeps.'
Is that so, Father?"

"Yes, yes, yes."

"Well, Father, if a good man keeps company with a bad
man, is the good man bad because he keeps company with the
bad man, and is the bad man good because he keeps company
with the good man?"--_Punch_.


  Here's champagne to our real friends.
  And real pain to our sham friends.


    It's better to make friends fast
    Than to make fast friends.


Some friends are a habit--some a luxury.


A friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults.




FRIENDS, SOCIETY OF


A visitor to Philadelphia, unfamiliar with the garb of the Society of
Friends, was much interested in two demure and placid Quakeresses who
took seats directly behind her in the Broad Street Station. After a few
minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice
inquire: "Sister Kate, will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch
on me?"--_Carolina Lockhart_.



FRIENDSHIP


Friendly may we part and quickly meet again.


  There's fellowship
  In every sip
  Of friendship's brew.


May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship.


  Here's to the four hinges of Friendship--
  Swearing, Lying, Stealing and Drinking.
  When you swear, swear by your country;
  When you lie, lie for a pretty woman,
  When you steal, steal away from bad company
  And when you drink, drink with me.


The trouble with having friends is the upkeep.


"Brown volunteered to lend me money."

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."


"I let my house furnished, and they've had measles there. Of course
we've had the place disinfected; so I suppose it's quite safe. What do
you think?"

"I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I think, perhaps, it would be
safer to lend it to a friend first."--_Punch_.


"Hoo is it, Jeemes, that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer
potatoes? Yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak'
extra reductions for yer freends."

"Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a
freend o' mine, an' then I jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton
because I'm a freend o' his."--_Punch_.


The conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on
one of the forward cars. He told the brakeman in the caboose to go up
and put the man off at the next stop. When the brakeman approached the
tramp, the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away.

"Did you get rid of him?" the conductor asked the brakeman, when the
train was under motion again.

"I hadn't the heart," was the reply. "He turned out to be an old school
friend of mine."

"I'll take care of him," said the conductor, as he started over the tops
of the cars.

After the train had made another stop and gone on, the brakeman came
into the caboose and said to the conductor:

"Well, is he off?"

"No; he turned out to be an old school friend of mine, too."


If a man does not make new acquaintances, as he advances through life,
he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his
friendship in constant repair.--_Samuel Johnson_.


  They say, and I am glad they say,
    It is so; and it may be so;
  It may be just the other way,
    I cannot tell, but this I know--
  From quiet homes and first beginnings
    Out to the undiscovered ends
  There's nothing worth the wear of winning
    Save laughter and the love of friends.

  --_Hilaire Belloc_.




FUN


Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.--_Abe
Martin_.


_See also_ Amusements.




FUNERALS


  There was an old man in a hearse,
  Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
    Of course the expense
    Is simply immense,
  But it doesn't come out of my purse."




FURNITURE


GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?"

HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for
furniture to match."




FUTURE LIFE


A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a
state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed
signs of life, he was asked how it seemed to be dead.

"Dead?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't dead. I knew all that was going on. And
I knew I wasn't dead, too, because my feet were cold and I was hungry."

"But how did that fact make you think you were still alive?" asked one
of the curious.

"Well, this way; I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't be hungry.
And if I was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold."


FATHER (impressively)--"Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what
would become of you, my boy?"

IRREVERENT SON--"I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of
you?"


"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who was
naughty, "if you don't say your prayers you won't go to Heaven."

"I don't want to go to Heaven," sobbed the boy; "I want to go with you
and mother."


On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried
at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at
the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas
preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy
shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance,
nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted.
Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,

"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think
you'd have to furnish your own fuel."


An Irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in
the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell.


When P.T. Barnum was at the head of his "great moral show," it was his
rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen, and the custom is
continued to this day. Not long ago, after the Reverend Doctor Walker
succeeded to the pastorate of the Reverend Doctor Hawks, in Hartford,
there came to the parsonage, addressed to Doctor Hawks, tickets for the
circus, with the compliments of the famous showman. Doctor Walker
studied the tickets for a moment, and then remarked:

"Doctor Hawks is dead and Mr. Barnum is dead; evidently they haven't
met."


Archbishop Ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of
Philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present. Among others
were the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad; ex-Attorney-General
MacVeagh, counsel for the road, and other prominent railroad men.

Mr. MacVeagh, in talking to the guest of the evening, said: "Your Grace,
among others you see here a great many railroad men. There is a
peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find
that they always take their lawyer with them. That is why I am here.
They never go anywhere without their counsel. Now they have nearly
everything that men want, but I have a suggestion to make to you for an
exchange with us. We can give free passes on all the railroads of the
country. Now if you would only give us--say a free pass to Paradise by
way of exchange."

"Ah, no," said His Grace, with a merry twinkle in his eye, "that would
never do. I would not like to separate them from their counsel."




GARDENING


Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they
go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_.


"I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months
from now I won't be kicking about your prices."

"No," said the grocer; "you'll be wondering how I can afford to sell
vegetables so cheap."




GAS STOVES


A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be
contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many
years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant arrived in due season. It
so happened that the Georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy
arrived. Before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the
modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished. The gas
stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most. After
the mistress of the household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the
other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its
operations, the mistress hurried for her train.

She was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was
how she had worried along.

"De fines' ever," was the reply. "And dat air gas stove--O my! Why do
you know, Miss Flo'ence, dat fire aint gone out yit."




GENEROSITY


"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but
recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody
is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the
young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think
of that now!"


At one of these reunions of the Blue and the Gray so happily common of
late, a northern veteran, who had lost both arms and both legs in the
service, caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive
alms. The response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly
filled.

Nobody gave him more than a dime, however, except a grizzled warrior of
the lost cause, who plumped in a dollar. And not content, he presently
came that way again and plumped in another dollar.

The cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity. "Why,"
he inquired, "do you, who fought on the other side, give me so much more
than any of those who were my comrades in arms?"

The old rebel smiled grimly. "Because," he replied, "you're the first
Yank I ever saw trimmed up just to suit me."


At dinner one day, it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister
was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked
her why she did that. She explained that she was saving them for her
dog. Her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have
so she consented to eat the dainty bits. Later she collected the bones
and took them to the dog saying, "I meant to give a free will offering
but it is only a collection."


A little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store
and asked for a match.

"We only _sell_ matches," said the storekeeper.

"How much are they?" asked the future citizen.

"Penny a box," was the answer.

"Gimme a box," said the boy.

He took one match, lit the cigarette, and handed the box back over the
counter, saying, "Here, take it and put it on de shelf, and when anodder
sport comes and asks for a match, give him one on me."


Little Ralph belonged to a family of five. One morning he came into the
house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother, saying:

"Look, mother, here are tombstones for each one of us."

The mother, counting them, said:

"Here is one for father, dear! Here is one for mother! Here is
brother's! Here is the baby's; but there is none for Delia, the maid."

Ralph was lost in thought for a moment, then cheerfully cried:

"Oh, well, never mind, mother; Delia can have mine, and I'll live!"


She was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor
came to collect the fares.

Her companion meditated silently for a moment, then, addressing the
other, said:

"Let us divide this Mabel; you fumble and I'll pay."




GENTLEMEN


"Sadie, what is a gentleman?"

"Please, ma'am," she answered, "a gentleman's a man you don't know very
well."


Two characters in Jeffery Farnol's "Amateur Gentleman" give these
definitions of a gentleman:

"A gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university, but doesn't have to
learn anything; who goes out into the world, but doesn't have to work at
anything; and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs."

"A gentleman is (I take it) one born with the God-like capacity to think
and feel for others, irrespective of their rank or condition.... One who
possesses an ideal so lofty, a mind so delicate, that it lifts him above
all things ignoble and base, yet strengthens his hands to raise those
who are fallen--no matter how low."




GERMANS


The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the
dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so
silent, when usually so gay and full of witty remarks.

"Quite right," responded Heine, "but to-night I have exchanged views
with my German friends and my head is fearfully empty."




GHOSTS


"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal
to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told
some friends in New York recently. "Personally, in the course of a
fairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story. Its
hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.

"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamber for
the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness, but
nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed with him a
revolver of the latest American pattern.

"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awoke
with an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head and peered
about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, and in that
weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, white hand clasping
the rail at the foot of the bed.

"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.

"There was no reply. The small white hand did not move.

"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'

"Again there was no reply.

"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.

"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."




GIFTS


When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check
for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson,
who attended the wedding conveyed the gift.

"Felicia," said her father upon her return, "did you give him the
check?"

"Yes, Father," answered the daughter.

"What did he say?" asked Robson.

"He didn't say anything," replied Miss Felicia, "but he shed tears."

"How long did he cry?"

"Why Father, I didn't time him. I should say, however, that he wept
fully a minute."

"Fully a minute," mused Robson. "Why, Daughter, I cried an hour after I
signed it."


A church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs.
The official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what
could be done toward raising the necessary funds. One of the wealthiest
and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he
would give five dollars, and sat down.

Just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely
upon the head. Whereupon he jumped up, looked confused and said:
"I--er--I meant I'll give fifty dollars!" then again resumed his seat.

After a brief silence a voice was heard to say: "O Lord, hit 'im again!"


He gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around
later on and hit him for another subscription.--_Puck_.


"Presents," I often say, "endear Absents."--_Charles Lamb_.


In giving, a man receives more than he gives, and the more is in
proportion to the worth of the thing given.--_George MacDonald_.


_See also_ Christmas gifts.




GLUTTONY


A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince
pie.

A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die.

"No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating
too much."


There was a young person named Ned,
Who dined before going to bed,
  On lobster and ham
  And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead.




GOLF


Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour.
As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock:

"Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'."

"The morrn'?" Jock repeated.

"Aye, mon, the morrn'," said Sandy. "I'll go ye a roond on the links in
the morrn'."

"Aye, weel," said Jock, "I'll go ye. But I had intended to get marriet
in the morrn'."


GOLFER (unsteadied by Christmas luncheon) to Opponent--

"Sir, I wish you clearly to understand that I resent your
unwarrant--your interference with my game, sir! Tilt the green once
more, sir, and I chuck the match."


Doctor William S. Rainsford is an inveterate golf player. When he was
rector of St. George's Church, in New York City, he was badly beaten on
the links by one of his vestrymen. To console the clergyman the
vestryman ventured to say: "Never mind, Doctor, you'll get satisfaction
some day when I pass away. Then you'll read the burial service over me."

"I don't see any satisfaction in that," answered the clergy-man, "for
you'll still be in the hole."


SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--"Willie, do you know what beomes of boys who use
bad language when they're playing marbles?"

WILLIE--"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."


The game of golf, as every humorist knows, is conducive to profanity. It
is also a terrible strain on veracity, every man being his own umpire.

Four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth
hole was a deep ravine.

They drove off. Three went into the ravine and one managed to get his
ball over. The three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a
look. Two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up
the hole. The third said he would go down and play out his ball. He
disappeared into the deep crevasse. Presently his ball came bobbing out
and after a time he climbed up.

"How many strokes?" asked one of his opponents.

"Three."

"But I heard six."

"Three of them were echoes!"


When Mark Twain came to Washington to try to get a decent copyright law
passed, a representative took him out to Chevy Chase.

Mark Twain refused to play golf himself, but he consented to walk over
the course and watch the representative's strokes. The representative
was rather a duffer. Teeing off, he sent clouds of earth flying in all
directions. Then, to hide his confusion he said to his guest: "What do
you think of our links here, Mr. Clemens?"

"Best I ever tasted," said Mark Twain, as he wiped the dirt from his
lips with his handkerchief.




GOOD FELLOWSHIP


  A glass is good, a lass is good,
    And a pipe to smoke in cold weather,
  The world is good and the people are good,
    And we're all good fellows together.


  May good humor preside when good fellows meet,
  And reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat.


Here's to us that are here, to you that are there, and the rest of us
everywhere.


  Here's to all the world,--
  For fear some darn fool may take offence.




GOSSIP


A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_.


Gossips are the spies of life.


"However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?"

"I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to
each other."


The seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is, the
neighbors say, a precocious youngster; at all events, she knows the ways
of the world.

Her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a
particularly mischievous prank, and after she had talked it over very
solemnly sent the little girl up to her room.

An hour later the mother went upstairs. The child was sitting
complacently on the window seat, looking out at the other children.

"Well, little girl," the mother began, "did you tell God all about how
naughty you'd been?"

The youngster shook her head, emphatically. "Guess I didn't," she
gurgled; "why, it'd be all over heaven in no time."


Get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down.--_Life_.


"Papa, mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other
half lives."

"Well, she shouldn't blame herself, dear, it isn't her fault."


It is only national history that "repeats itself." Your private history
is repeated by the neighbors.


"You're a terrible scandal-monger, Linkum," said Jorrocks.

"Why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you
hear?"

"That's what I do do," said Linkum. "Only I tell the spicy half."


"What," asked the Sunday-school teacher, "is meant by bearing false
witness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.

"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.

"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air.
"It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about
it."--_H.R. Bennett_.


MAUD--"That story you told about Alice isn't worth repeating."

KATE--"It's young yet; give it time."


SON--"Why do people say 'Dame Gossip'?"

FATHER--"Because they are too polite to leave off the 'e.'"


  I cannot tell how the truth may be;
  I say the tale as 'twas said to me.


Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for a certainty, and if
you do know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, "Why should I tell
it?"--_Lavater_.




GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP


"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the
government?"

"I might if I didn't know who controlled the
government."--_Life_.




GOVERNORS


The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a
Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table
sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor
solemnly throughout the repast.

Finally the youngster asked, "Are you really and truly a governor?"

"Yes," replied the great man laughingly; "I really and truly am."

"I've always wanted to see a governor," continued the child, "for I've
heard Daddy speak of 'em."

"Well," rejoined the Governor, "now that you have seen one, are you
satisfied?"

"No, sir," answered the youngster, without the slightest impertinence,
but with an air of great conviction, "no, sir; I'm disappointed."




GRAFT


"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner.

"Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which
ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to
apologize constantly for not having money, and the remainder to explain
how they got it."


LADY--"I guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich Smith
boy, ain't ye, doctor?"

DOCTOR--"Well, yes; I get a pretty good fee. Why?"

LADY--"Well, I hope you won't forget that my Willie threw the brick that
hit 'im!"


Every man has his price, but some hold bargain sales.--_Satire_.


The Democrats had a clear working majority in ----, Illinois, for a
number of years. But when the Fifteenth Amendment went into effect it
enfranchised so many of the "culled bredren" as to make it apparent to
the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought
up, the Republicans would carry the city election. Accordingly advances
were made to the Rev. Brother ----, whose influence it was thought
desirable to secure, inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of
his entire church.

He was found "open to conviction," and arrangements progressed
satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to
secure his vote and influence.

With an air of offended dignity, Brother ---- replied:

"Now, gemmen, as a regular awdained minister ob de Baptist Church dis
ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low; but, gemmen, my son
will call round to see you in de mornin'."


A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new
suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a cafe and
refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money
to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both
purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat
embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it
thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check
and money.

"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.

"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm
dividing with you. I saw it first."




GRATITUDE


After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked
down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"


Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who
complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.

"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next
Tuesday."


It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United
Society of Lady Vegetarians.

They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when,
horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.

Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature
pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great
good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then,
regaining her breath, she turned round.

"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a
vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"


Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you?
How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"

YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."




GREAT BRITAIN


One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the
House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the
small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way
through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and
next the other officers.

"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the
chaplain.

"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."

"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.

The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes
into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and
then he prays for the country."--_Cardiff Mail_.


There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who
has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his
father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any
rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently
expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was
he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First
she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially
beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him
and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the
British flag."




GRIEF


Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to
ride in his new car.

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'
nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."




GUARANTEES


TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir."

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"




GUESTS


"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at
breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin',
suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'
all de fresh aigs for him, suh."


  "Here's a health to thee and thine
  From the hearts of me and mine;
  And when thee and thine
  Come to see me and mine,
  May me and mine make thee and thine
  As welcome as thee and thine
  Have ever made me and mine."




HABIT


Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young
timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times
spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you
want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the
first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm,
dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her
duty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."


In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was
appointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was
called.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently
polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.


"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.
"Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."


A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early
train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the
station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."

"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.
Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did.

"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through
his pockets.

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got
anything but the habit, have you?"


  Habit with him was all the test of truth;
  "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

  --_Crabbe_.




HADES


_See_ Future life.




HAPPINESS


Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school
question:

"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much
discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the
schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well
reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:

    "'Dear parents--We are having a good time now at school.
    George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went
    skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was
    drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The
    gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work
    a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because
    we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I
    broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"


Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make
them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of
it.--_Sydney Smith_.




HARNESSING


The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a
little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse
was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished
for an hour or two.

When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself,
inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse.
Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst
problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to
resent the idea of going into harness again.

Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road.
"There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.

"What's that?" asked Bill.

"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"




HARVARD UNIVERSITY


"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match
factory."

"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads,
but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_.




HASH


"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting
link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"

"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."




HASTE


The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd
rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat
only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on
the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a
flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on
the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which
he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the
arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat
man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I
caught the boat!"

"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"




HEALTH RESORTS


"Where've you been, Murray?"

"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."

"Then why did you come away?"

"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."

"Are you going back?"

"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."




HEARING


The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.

"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her
mention 'a trained deer.'"

"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They
were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,
dear.'"

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking
about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could
be."

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself
appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a
settlement.

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.
"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it
rained here last night."

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.
Lampton_.




HEAVEN


"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you
make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up
there."--_I.C. Curtis_.


_See also_ Future life.




HEIRLOOMS


HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings
heirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family
since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only
dates from the conquest."


"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."




HELL


_See_ Future life.




HEREDITY


"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"


William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers,
silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He
entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman
looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted
he became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy
heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look
exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back
from school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."


"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I
wonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the
other from eggs."


"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it
may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may
develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the
house."


_See also_ Ancestry.




HEROES


THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve
a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.


MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"

MR. SCRAPER--"I reckon I am."

MR. HENPECK--"Shake! You're a hero."


Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF
LIVING


_See_ Cost of living.




HINTING


Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and
butter, and politely said, "Thank you."

"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say
'thank you.'"

"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might
put some jam on it."




HOME


Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your
old manners.


  Who hath not met with home-made bread,
  A heavy compound of putty and lead--
  And home-made wines that rack the head,
  And home-made liquors and waters?
  Home-made pop that will not foam,
  And home-made dishes that drive one from home--
             * * * * * *
  Home-made by the homely daughters.

  --_Hood_.




HOMELINESS


_See_ Beauty, Personal.




HOMESTEADS


"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all
about this law. Tell me what I am to do."

"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law,
but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is
willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen
dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to
death."--_Fenimore Martin_.




HONESTY


"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."


VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why
didn't you have a pal?"

PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."


Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about
honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a
dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references
were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in
the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk
sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and
again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for
stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"


"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to
measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them
nearly two barrels short?"

"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own
flour-barrels."

"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's
imbibe."


The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.

"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time
producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I
dealt ye!"


A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy
little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,
she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.

"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.

"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare
more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,
mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a
seat, and don't see a single bit of it."

The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children
to pass in.

Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and
handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.

"What's this?" demanded the latter.

"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me
clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was
looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."




HONOR


In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and
reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:

"All tickets, please!"

Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the
faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:

"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."

And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot
till the conductor was safely gone.


  Titles of honour add not to his worth,
  Who is himself an honour to his titles.

  --_John Ford_.




HOPE


FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same
way."

BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.




HORSES


A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a
five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,
looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:

"Which horse do you want?"


A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his
horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop
again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it
started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:

"Is your horse sick?"

"Not as I knows of."

"Is he balky?"

"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that
he stops every once in a while to listen."


A German farmer was in search of a horse.

"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years
old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."

The German threw his hands skyward.

"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und
mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."


There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.

The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his
master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill
and died.

"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next
morning.

"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.

"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my
horse?"

"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take
it out of my next Saturday's wages."


Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on
important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a
horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took
the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:
"Keep this horse for funerals?"

"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.

"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't
get there in time for the resurrection."




HOSPITALITY


Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted
from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck
in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.

As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his
collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of
water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the
red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.

"Watcher want?" it asked.

"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered
testily.

The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.

"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.


The old friends had had three days together.

"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning
of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."

"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host
comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come
again."


A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud
to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the
telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it
home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails
from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism
is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic
national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A
Denver supporter was protesting.

"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the
crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms
of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."

"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make
her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would
think of going to bed!"




HOSTS


  I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
  And your cordial which was welcome.


  Here's to the host and the hostess,
    We're honored to be here tonight;
  May they both live long and prosper,
    May their star of hope ever be bright.




HOTELS


In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the
day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the
neck."--_Country Life_.




HUNGER


A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was
pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished
wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to
devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which
was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was
almost upon him with yearning jaws, when--

"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your
reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside
of him."

"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't
so darned famished after all."




HUNTING


A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting"
in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest
shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.

After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's
first barrell.

The host's face fell also.

"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only
snipe in the neighborhood."

The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.




HURRY


See Haste.




HUSBANDS


"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."


A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but
unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided
between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at
the old address, but the husband went on a tour.

After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation
took place, as the result of which they became business partners once
more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent
into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:

"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently
increased."


An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a
number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how
much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.

"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.

"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so
safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und
opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like
dhe upper berths."


A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one
night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his
residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the
old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the
Benedict.

"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.

"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll
tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my
observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend
answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the
breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he
said:

"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy
feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."


NEIGHBOR--"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"

LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW--"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's
nearer 'is mark!"


"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another
during a talk.

"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband--you're a
habit."


MR. HENPECK--"Is my wife going out, Jane?"

JANE--"Yessir."

MR. HENPECK--"Do you know if I am going with her?"


A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
amusing old colored woman for a cook.

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."


An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his
wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:

Your loving husband,

HOPKINS BROS.

_Winifred C. Bristol_.


Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had
helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.

"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her
marriage.

"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.

"And is your husband a good provider?"

"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why,
jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."


"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."


"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."--_Judge_.


A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest
was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too
good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for
the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen
women brought their husbands.


  A very man--not one of nature's clods--
    With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
  Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
    But apt to take his temper from his dinner.

  --_J. G. Saxe_.


A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella
like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out
the eye of the man behind her.

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.


OLD MONEY (dying)--"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes,
dear."

YOUNG WIFE--"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very
kind you were when you left me."


An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late
hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the
following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:

"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the
hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease
of experience.

"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in
the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred
in her sleep and pushed me on the head.

"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.

"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her
hand, and she dozed off again!"


MR. HOMEBODY--"I see you keep copies of
all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating
yourself?"

MR. FARAWAY--"No. To avoid contradicting myself."


  There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
  There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
  But the gladness in his gladness,
  Nor the sadness in his sadness,
  Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.


_See also_ Cowards; Domestic finance.




HYBRIDIZATION


We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut
Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now
we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter
attached to the Berlin War Office, who has crossed carrier pigeons with
parrots, so that Wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the
enemy's lines.--_Warwick James Price_.




HYPERBOLE


"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had
their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to
out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought
my fortune was sure made. However, I didn't harvest one."

He waited for queries, but his friends knew him, and he was forced to
continue unurged:

"The vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em
'round. However, the second year my two little boys made up their minds
to get a taste of one anyhow, so they took turns, carryin' one along
with the vine and--"

But his companions had already started toward the barroom door.


News comes from Southern Kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see
how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than
the boy can climb down. The boy is clear out of sight. Three men have
taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy
a horrible death by starving, but the stalk grows so rapidly that they
can't hit twice in the same place. The boy is living on green corn alone
and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs. Even if the corn
holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where
he will be frozen to death. There is some talk of attempting his rescue
with a balloon.--_Topeka Capital_.




HYPOCRISY


Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness.


TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham
Charteris_.




IDEALS


The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled
little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's
father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing
an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked
above it:

"Keep your eye on this and do your best."




ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS


A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the
back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and
write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."

The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and
sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers
to the floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing, and
stuck. The patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his
escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the
baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track
up the wall and across the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the
letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor.

"Two weeks! Hell!" he said. "I won't be out of here in three years."




IMAGINATION


One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about
their respective ages.

"I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May,
and your's don't come till September."

"Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but
that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels
when they were making you."

The mother instantly summoned her daughter. "It's breaking mother's
heart to hear you tell such awful stories," she said. "Don't you
remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira?"

"Oh, yes, mamma, I know; they were struck dead for lying. I saw them
carried into the corner drug store!"




IMITATION


Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As
You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was
overlooked by a rising brick edifice.

One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the
building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:

"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."




INFANTS


A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you
have the baby half the time."

"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"

"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."


"Is the baby strong?"

"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"

"Yes."

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"--_Comic Cuts_.


Recipe for a baby:

  Clean and dress a wriggle, add a pint of nearly milk,
    Smother with a pillow any sneeze;
  Baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back--
    "Don't forget that you were one of these."

  --_Life_.




INQUISITIVENESS


_See_ Wives.




INSANITY


_See_ Editors; Love.




INSPIRATIONS


She was from Boston, and he was not.

He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew
nothing, and their books, of which he knew less.

Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and
Juliet?'"

He floundered helplessly for a moment and then, having a brilliant
thought, blurted out, happily:

"I've--I've read Romeo!"




INSTALMENT PLAN


Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying
instalments on.




INSTRUCTIONS


A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in
the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up
the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned
to the young man in uniform.

"Porter," he said. "I'm going to St. Louis, to the Fair. I want to be
well taken care of. I pay for it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys
away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra
blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into
another. I want you to--"

"But, say, boss, I--"

"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking
myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the
good of it. Not a word, sir."

The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and
swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do
the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell
you--but I ain't going out on that train."




INSURANCE, LIFE


A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other
day.

"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.

"No," said the man.

"Do you motor?"

"No."

"Do you, then, perhaps, fly?"

"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"

But the agent interrupted him curtly.

"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."




INSURANCE BLANKS


_See_ Irish bulls.




INSURGENTS


"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call
that kind of cucumber?"

"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It
doesn't always agree with a party."




INTERVIEWS


"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"

"No," replied Senator Soghum.

"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"

"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."




INVITATIONS


"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the
marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite
sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to
the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:

"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss
Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who
cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.


One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.

"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.

"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do
just as well?"

"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin
curiously.

"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me
tonight's invitation."


MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to
know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."

MADELINE--"Who was speaking?"

MARION--"Oh, gracious! I forgot to ask."


Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented,
provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but,
rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite
Tommy.

On the evening of the party, when all the small guests had arrived
except Tommy, the mother became suspicious and sought her son.

"Willie," she said, "did you invite Tommy to your party tonight?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And did he say he would not come?"

"No," explained Willie. "I invited him all right, but I dared him to
come."




IRISH BULLS


Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,
asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he
says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av
the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."


"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's
absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing
the same you will greatly oblige his mother."


An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather
freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the
Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on
I'll git off."


"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e
don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."


For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.


A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:
"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her
funeral expenses."


A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said
sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.
Come up here and let me give you some work."


A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom
one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle
and chewing gum.

"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
mouth and put your feet in."


MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"

PRISONER--"I 'ave to."

MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.


"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
other."--_Joe King_.


"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."

"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"

"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."


A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
can see it frum."


MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
house next you, with a water frontage."

MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."


In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:

"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."


Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
places at the same time, barring he is a bird."


A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
Arts_.


Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
stage whisper:

"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"


The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are
often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal
shows in the following excellent selection of examples:

Mother died in infancy.

Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.

Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade
fair to reach a ripe old age.


Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that
they died at an advanced age.

Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she
fully recovered from her last illness.

Applicant has never been fatally sick.

Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.

Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was
cured before death.




IRISHMEN


A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a
brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_.


Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England
preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark
of humor struck from flint. "These Irish, anciently called
'Anthropophagi,' man-eaters, have a tradition among them that when the
devil showed Our Savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory,
he would not show Him Ireland, but reserved it for himself; it is
probably true, for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar."


An Irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and
invited his caller to take a look at them.

"Ain't they fine boys?" inquired the father.

"They are," agreed the visitor.

"The finest in the world!" exclaimed the father. "An' I nivver laid
violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince."--_Popular
Magazine_.


_See also_ Fighting; Irish bulls.




IRREVERENCE


  There were three young women of Birmingham,
  And I know a sad story concerning 'em:
    They stuck needles and pins
    In the reverend shins
  Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

  --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.


A few years ago Henry James reviewed a new novel by Gertrude Atherton.
After reading the review Mrs. Atherton wrote to Mr. James as follows:

    "Dear Mr. James: I have read with much pleasure your review of
    my novel. Will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or
    not?"

    Sincerely,

    "GERTRUDE ATHERTON."




JEWELS


  The girl with the ruby lips we like,
    The lass with teeth of pearl,
  The maid with the eyes like diamonds,
    The cheek-like-coral girl;
  The girl with the alabaster brow,
    The lass from the Emerald Isle.
  All these we like, but not the jade
    With the sardonyx smile.





JEWS


What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the
banana.


He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently
a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively
at the little oily Jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with
him.

The little Jew looked at him deprecatingly. "Nice day," he began
politely.

"You're a Jew, ain't you?" queried the Yankee.

"Yes, sir, I'm a clothing salesman," handing him a card.

"But you're a Jew?"

"Yes, yes, I'm a Jew," came the answer.

"Well," continued the Yankee, "I'm a Yankee, and in the little village
in Maine where I come from I'm proud to say there ain't a Jew."

"Dot's why it's a village," replied the little Jew quietly.


The men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor. One said
Stephenson, who invented the locomotive. Another declared it was the man
who invented the compass. Another contended for Edison. Still another
for the Wrights,

Finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent:

"Who do you think?"

"Vell," he said, with a hopeful smile, "the man who invented interest
was no slouch."


Levinsky, despairing of his life, made an appointment with a famous
specialist. He was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the
waiting-room.

After a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and
whispered, "Say, mine frient, this must be a pretty goot doctor, ain't
he?"

"One of the best," the gentleman told him.

Levinsky seemed to be worrying over something.

"Vell, say," he whispered again, "he must be pretty exbensive, then,
ain't he? Vat does he charge?"

The stranger was annoyed by Levinsky's questions and answered rather
shortly: "Fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five
dollars for each visit thereafter."

"Mine Gott!" gasped Levinsky--"Fifty tollars the first time und
twenty-five tollars each time afterwards!"

For several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait. "Und
twenty-five tollars each time afterwards," he kept muttering. Finally,
just as he was called into the office, he was seized with a brilliant
inspiration. He rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands.

"Hello, doctor," he said effusively. "Vell, here I am _again_."


The Jews are among the aristocracy of every land; if a literature is
called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we
say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years, in which
the poets and the actors were also the heroes.--_George Eliot_.


_See also_ Failures; Fires.




JOKES


A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and
different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J.
Burtscher_.


JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last
week."

BOGGS--"What luck did you have with them?"

JOKELY--"Oh, they all came flying back."--_Will S. Gidley_.


  "I ne'er forget a joke I have
    Once heard!" Augustus cried.
  "And neither do you let your friends
    Forget it!" Jane replied.

  --_Childe Harold_.

A negro bricklayer in Macon, Georgia, was lying down during the noon
hour, sleeping in the hot sun. The clock struck one, the time to pick up
his hod again. He rose, stretched, and grumbled: "I wish I wuz daid.
'Tain' nothin' but wuk, wuk from mawnin' tell night."

Another negro, a story above, heard the complaint and dropped a brick on
the grumbler's head.

Dazed he looked up and said:

"De Lawd can' stan' no jokes. He jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist."


The late H.C. Bunner, when editor of _Puck_, once received a letter
accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked: "What
will you give me for these?"

"Ten yards start," was Bunner's generous offer, written beneath the
query.


NEW CONGRESSMAN--"What can I do for you, sir?"

SALESMAN (of Statesmen's Anecdote Manufacturing Company)--"I shall be
delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real, live, snappy,
humorous anecdotes as told by yourself, sir."


Jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from
Egypt, Babylon and Assyria, and have since then grown and multiplied.
They are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote
for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties.

There were originally twenty-five jokes, but when this country was
formed they added a constitution, which increased the number to
twenty-six. These jokes have married and inter-married among themselves
and their children travel from press to press.

Frequently in one week a joke will travel from New York to San
Francisco.

The joke is no respecter of persons. Shameless and unconcerned, he tells
the story of his life over and over again. Outside of the ballot-box he
is the greatest repeater that we have.

Jokes are of three kinds--plain, illustrated and pointless. Frequently
they are all three.

No joke is without honor, except in its own country. Jokes form one of
our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn
out the often neatly finished product. The importation of jokes while
considerable is not as great as it might be, as the flavor is lost in
transit.

Jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic. As scenebreakers they
have no equal.--_Life_.


  Here's to the joke, the good old joke,
    The joke that our fathers told;
  It is ready tonight and is jolly and bright
    As it was in the days of old.

  When Adam was young it was on his tongue,
    And Noah got in the swim
  By telling the jest as the brightest and best
    That ever happened to him.

  So here's to the joke, the good old joke--
    We'll hear it again tonight.
  It's health we will quaff; that will help us to laugh,
    And to treat it in manner polite.

  --_Lew Dockstader_.


  A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
  Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
  Of him that makes it.

  --_Shakespeare_.



JOURNALISM


A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning
to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate,
"this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored
old aunty, soothingly, "never you mind 'bout dat; dat'll come right in
time."


John R. McLean, owner of the Cincinnati _Enquirer_ and the Washington
_Post_, tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of
the Cincinnati newspaper: An _Enquirer_ reporter was sent to a town in
southwestern Ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been
greatly talked about. The reporter attended one of her meetings and
occupied a front seat. When those who wished to be saved were asked to
arise, he kept his seat and used his notebook. The evangelist
approached, and, taking him by the hand, said, "Come to Jesus."

"Madam," said the newspaper man, "I'm here solely on business--to report
your work."

"Brother," said she, "there is no business so important as God's."

"Well, may be not," said the reporter; "but you don't know John R.
McLean."


  A newspaper man named Fling
  Could make "copy" from any old thing.
    But the copy he wrote
    Of a five dollar note
  Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.

  --_Columbia Jester_.


"Come in," called the magazine editor.

"Sir, I have called to see about that article of mine that you bought
two years ago. My name is Pensnink--Percival Perrhyn Pensnink. My
composition was called 'The Behavior of Chipmunks in Thunderstorms,' and
I should like to know how much longer I must watch and wait before I
shall see it in print."

"I remember," the editor replied. "We are saving your little essay to
use at the time of your death. When public attention is drawn to an
author we like to have something of his on hand."


  Hear, land o' cakes, and brither Scots,
  Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat's;
  If there's a hole in a' your coats,
  I rede you tent it:
  A chiel's amang you taking notes,
  And, faith, he'll prent it.

  --_Burns_.


_See also_ Newspapers.




JUDGES


A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish.
An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the
interpreter.

"What does he say?" demanded his lordship.

"Nothing, my lord," was the reply.

"How dare you say that when we all heard him? Come on, sir, what was
it?"

"My lord," said the interpreter beginning to tremble, "it had nothing to
do with the case."

"If you don't answer I'll commit you, sir!" roared the judge. "Now, what
did he say?"

"Well, my lord, you'll excuse me, but he said, 'Who's that old woman
with the red bed curtain round her, sitting up there?"

At which the court roared.

"And what did you say?" asked the judge, looking a little uncomfortable.

"I said: 'Whist, ye spalpeen! That's the ould boy that's going to hang
you."


A gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge, on a charge
of stealing chickens, pleaded guilty. After sentencing him, the judge
asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near
the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard.

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, Judge," answered the darky, "to try to
'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all. Ef yo' was to try it, like as not
yo' would get yer hide full o' shot, an' get no chicken, nuther. Ef yo'
wants to engage in any rascality, Judge, yo' better stick to de bench
whar yo' am familiar."--_Mrs. L.F. Clarke_.


Four things belong to a judge: to hear courteously, to answer wisely, to
consider soberly, and to decide impartially.--_Socrates_.




JUDGMENT


HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women."

WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_.




JURY


In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say,
"Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with
laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock.


There was recently haled into an Alabama court a little Irishman to whom
the thing was a new experience. He was, however, unabashed, and wore an
air of a man determined not to "get the worst of it."

"Prisoner at the bar," called out the clerk, "do you wish to challenge
any of the jury?"

The Celt looked the men in the box over very carefully.

"Well, I tell ye," he finally replied, "Oi'm not exactly in trainin',
but Oi think Oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in
th' corner."


JUSTICE


There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side.


"What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour
ago!"

"Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too
hard, so I thought I'd just even up."


  One man's word is no man's word,
  Justice is that both be heard.


He who decides a case without hearing the other side, though he decide
justly cannot be considered just.--_Seneca_.




JUVENILE DELINQUENCY


A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store.
A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the
station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid
done?"




KENTUCKY


Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.




KINDNESS


Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at
home.--_Abe Martin_.


An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to
see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As
they crossed a street, the husband held out his hand and said, "Gimme
that basket, Hannah."

The poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look.

"That's real kind o' ye, Joshua," she quavered.

"Kind!" grunted the old man. "I wuz afeared ye'd git lost."


A fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap, stood
directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
toes.

As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.

"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.

"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply
self-defense."




KINGS AND RULERS


"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to
my accomplishments."

"Aren't they rather light?"

"They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution
occurs and I have to go into vaudeville."


The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company
with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor
of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to
the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and
chaperons.

His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and
his duty as well.

"That's all right," said the young Prince. "There are two of us. You go
and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls."


  And so we sing, "Long live the King;
  Long live the Queen and Jack;
  Long live the Ten-spot and the Ace,
  And also all the pack."

  --_Eugene Field_.


FIRST EUROPEAN SOCIETY LADY--"Wouldn't you like to be presented to our
sovereign?"

SECOND E.S.L.--"No. Simply because I have to be governed by a man is no
reason why I should condescend to meet him socially."


One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von
Meerscheidt for some small lapses.

"If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit
me to resign," said the General.

"No; you are too young to resign," said the Kaiser.

In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old
General talking to some young ladies, and he said:

"General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will
vanish."

"Excuse me, your Majesty," replied the General. "It would kill me to
have both a young wife and a young Emperor."


During the war of 1812, a dinner was given in Canada, at which both
American and British officers were present. One of the latter offered
the toast: "To President Madison, dead or alive!"

An American offered the response: "To the Prince Regent, drunk or
sober!"--_Mrs. Gouverneur_.


A lady of Queen Victoria's court once asked her if she did not think
that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting
with the notable figures of the past, such as Abraham, Isaac and King
David. After a moment's silence, with perfect dignity and decision the
great Queen made answer: "I will _not_ meet David!"


  Ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap, as Saadi sings,
  But the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings.

  --_William R. Alger_.


  Here lies our sovereign lord, the king,
    Whose word no man relies on,
  Who never said a foolish thing,
    And never did a wise one.

Said by a courtier of Charles, II. To which the King replied, "That is
very true, for my words are my own. My actions are my minister's."




KISSES


  Here's to a kiss:
  Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
  Then to that twenty add a hundred more;
  A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
  To make that thousand quite a million,
  Treble that million, and when that is done
  Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun.


"If I should kiss you I suppose you'd go and tell your mother."

"No; my lawyer."


"What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking
just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and
tried to kick me."

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my
wife three or four times every day.'"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had
a fit."


  There was an old maiden from Fife,
  Who had never been kissed in her life;
    Along came a cat;
    And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
  But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"


  Here's to the red of the holly berry,
    And to its leaf so green;
  And here's to the lips that are just as red,
    And the fellow who's not so green.


  There was a young sailor of Lyd,
  Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
    When it came to good-bye,
    They were eager but shy,
  So they put up a sunshade and--did.


  There once was a maiden of Siam,
  Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
    "If you kiss me, of course
    You will have to use force,
  But God knows you're stronger than I am."


Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.


_See also_ Courtship; Servants.




KNOWLEDGE


A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a
crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said:
"My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't
teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you
see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn
him nothin'."


With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.




KULTUR


HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid
fool!"

MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we
both mistaken."--_Life_.




LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES


A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si
Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.

"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.

"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.

Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:

"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"




LADIES


_See_ Etiquet; Woman.




LANDLORDS


An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed
out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.

"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in
this district!"

"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the
landlords--he lives in England!"




LANGUAGES


George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his
companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's
friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in
studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a
word that the native said.

"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a
tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."


Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his
daughters in the different languages.

"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."


Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to
recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable
fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."

"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of
linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"




LAUGHTER


TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."

FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."


  Laugh and the world laughs with you,
  Weep, and the laugh's on you.


About the best and finest thing in this world is laughter.--_Anna Alice
Chapin_.




LAW


_See_ Punishment.




LAWYERS


Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
his bill.--_Puck_.


George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
present:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
humorist should be funny?"

When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:

"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
have his hands in his own pockets?"


A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.

"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.

"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.


An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.

The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
you'd hang me, shore!"


"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
dropped in at the police court.

"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
bunch. Those are the lawyers."


"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
emerged from the window.

"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
disgust.

"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"


The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
telephone rang.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.

"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."

"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.


A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
both lawyers."


An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
a tailor to whom he was indebted:

    "Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
    remittance from you in settlement of my account.

    Yours truly,

    J. SNIPPEN."

The follower of Blackstone immediately replied:

    "Dear Sir: I have your request for advice of a recent date,
    and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer
    from you I cannot act in the premises. Upon receipt of your
    check for $250 I shall be very glad to look the matter up for
    you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations.

    I am, sir, with great respect, your most obedient servant,

    BARCLAY B. COKE."


A prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court, but was not
represented by a lawyer.

"Where is your lawyer?" asked the judge who presided.

"I have none, sir," replied the prisoner.

"Why not?" queried the judge.

"Because I have no money to pay one."

"Do you want a lawyer?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, there are Mr. Thomas W. Wilson, Mr. Henry Eddy, and Mr. George
Rogers," said the judge, pointing to several young attorneys who were
sitting in the room, waiting for something to turn up, "and Mr. Allen is
out in the hall."

The prisoner looked at the attorneys, and, after a critical survey, he
turned to the judge and said:

"If I can take my choice, sir, I guess I'll take Mr. Allen."--_A.S.
Hitchcock_.


"What is that little boy crying about?" asked the benevolent old lady of
the ragged boy.

"Dat other kid swiped his candy," was the response.

"But how is it that you have the candy now?"

"Sure I got de candy now. I'm de little kid's lawyer."


A man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the
sidewalk and broke his leg. He engaged a famous lawyer, brought suit
against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case. The city
appealed to the Supreme Court, but again the great lawyer won.

After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed
him one dollar.

"What's this?" asked the man.

"That's your damages, after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal and
other expenses," replied the counsel.

The man looked at the dollar, turned it over and carefully scanned the
other side. Then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter
with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?"


Deceive not thy Physician, Confessor nor Lawyer.


  A Sergeant of the Lawe, war and wys
  Ther was also, ful riche of excellence.
  Discreet he was, and of greet reverence:
  He seemed swich, his wordes weren so wyse.
                   * * *
  No-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas,
  And yet he seemed bisier than he was.

  --_Chaucer_.




LAZINESS


A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous
old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a
stretch.

"Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of
money shipping green corn to the northern market."

"Yes, I otter," was the sullen reply.

"You have the land, I suppose, and can get the seed."

"Yes, I guess so."

"Then why don't you go into the speculation?"

"No use, stranger," sadly replied the cracker, "the old woman is too
lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'."


While the train was waiting on a side track down in Georgia, one of the
passengers walked over to a cabin near the track, in front of which sat
a cracker dog, howling. The passenger asked a native why the dog was
howling.

"Hookworm," said the native. "He's lazy."

"But," said the stranger, "I was not aware that the hookworm is
painful."

"'Taint," responded the garrulous native.

"Why, then," the stranger queried, "should the dog howl?"

"Lazy."

"But why does laziness make him howl?"

"Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a
sand-bur, an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off, so he jes' sets thar
an' howls 'cause it hurts."


"How's times?" inquired a tourist.

"Oh, pretty tolerable," responded the old native who was sitting on a
stump. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved
me the trouble."

"Fine."

"Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the
trouble of burnin' it."

"Remarkable. But what are you going to do now?"

"Oh, nothin' much. Jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and
shake the potatoes out of the ground."


A tramp, after a day or two in the hustling, bustling town of Denver,
shook the Denver dust from his boots with a snarl.

"They must be durn lazy people in this town. Everywhere you turn they
offer you work to do."


An Atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous
region in a southwestern state, where the inhabitants are notoriously
shiftless. Arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour, he
inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner.

The head of the family, who had been "resting" on a fallen tree in front
of his dwelling, made reply to the effect that he "guessed Ma'd hev
suthin' on to the table putty soon."

With this encouragement, the traveler dismounted. To his chagrin,
however, he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that
he could not possibly "make a meal." He made such excuses as he could
for his lack of appetite, and finally bethought himself of a kind of
nourishment which he might venture to take, and which was sure to be
found in any locality. He asked for some milk.

"Don't have milk no more," said the head of the place. "The dawg's
dead."

"The dog!" cried the stranger. "What on earth has the dog to do with
it?"

"Well," explained the host meditatively, "them cows don't seem to know
'nough to come up and be milked theirselves. The dog, he used to go for
'em an' fetch 'em up."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.


Some temptations come to the industrious, but all temptations attack the
idle.--_Spurgeon_.




LEAP YEAR


A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:

"George, as it is leap year--"

The caller turned pale.

"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly
now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"

"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted
hurriedly.

"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I
thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible
fellows a chance."--_L.F. Clarke_.




LEGISLATORS


Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an
insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the
investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair
unfortunates to whom he was introduced.

"I don't remember having seen you here before," said she; "how long have
you been in the asylum?"

"Oh, I only came down yesterday," said the gentleman, "as one of the
Legislative Committee."

"Of course," returned the lady; "how stupid I am! However, I knew you
were an inmate or a member of the Legislature the moment I looked at
you. But how was I to know? It is so difficult to know which."




LIARS


There are three kinds of liars:

1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone.

2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful
study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out
that you are a hypocrite.

3. The man who can't believe himself. He is a cautious individual.
Encourage him.


Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
made a misstep and fell to the ground. The other leaned over and called:

"Are yez dead or alive, Mike?"

"Oi'm alive," said Mike feebly.

"Sure you're such a liar Oi don't know whether to belave yez or not."

"Well, then, Oi must be dead," said Mike, "for yez would never dare to
call me a liar if Oi wor aloive."


FATHER (reprovingly)--"Do you know what happens to liars when they die?"

JOHNNY--"Yes, sir; they lie still."


A private, anxious to secure leave of absence, sought his captain with a
most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his
absence. The officer, familiar with the soldier's ways, replied:

"I am afraid you are not telling the truth. I have just received a
letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get
drunk, break the furniture, and mistreat her shamefully."

The private saluted and started to leave the room. He paused at the
door, asking: "Sor, may I speak to you, not as an officer, but as mon to
mon?"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Well, sor, what I'm after sayin' is this," approaching the captain and
lowering his voice. "You and I are two of the most iligant liars the
Lord ever made. I'm not married at all."


A conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the proper
pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled upon
arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell:

"You're a liar! You're a liar!"

And then from the brakeman at the other end of the car:

"You really are! You really are!"


MOTHER--"Oh, Bobby, I'm ashamed of you. I never told stories when I was
a little girl."

BOBBY--"When did you begin, then, Mamma?"--_Horace Zimmerman_.


The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si
Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbott ambled in.

"What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you
call Si Perkins a liar?"

"Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the
ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly,
but I do know this much: when feedin' time comes, in order to get any
response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call 'em for
him."


A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and an ever present help in time
of trouble.


An Idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young
easterners desirous of hunting in the Northwest evidently took them to
be the greenest of tenderfoots, since he undertook to chaff them with a
recital something as follows:

"It was my first grizzly, so I was mighty proud to kill him in a
hand-to-hand struggle. We started to fight about sunrise. When he
finally gave up the ghost, the sun was going down."

At this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story. Not a
word was said by the easterners, so the guide added very slowly, "_for
the second time_."

"I gather, then," said one young gentleman, a dapper little Bostonian,
"that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that
grizzly."

"Two days and a night," said the guide, with a grin. "That grizzly died
mighty hard."

"Choked to death?" asked the Bostonian.

"Yes, _sir_," said the guide.

"Pardon me," continued the Hubbite, "but what did you try to get him to
swallow?"


  When by night the frogs are croaking,
  Kindle but a torch's fire;
  Ha! how soon they all are silent;
  Thus Truth silences the liar.

  --_Friedrich von Logan_.


_See also_ Epitaphs; Husbands; Politicians; Real estate agents; Regrets.




LIBERTY


Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
slaves of the things we do like.


  A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty
  Is worth a whole eternity in bondage.

  --_Addison_.


Where liberty dwells, there is my country.--_Benjamin Franklin_.




LIBRARIANS


A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public
Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual
cleaning and vacation of the librarians."


The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the statement
that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones
really wanted. The following are instances:

    AS ASKED FOR                   CORRECT TITLE

    _Indecent Orders               In Deacon's Orders
    She Combeth Not Her Head       She Cometh Not, She Said
    Trial of a Servant             Trail of the Serpent
    Essays of a Liar               Essays of Elia
    Soap and Tables                AEsop's Fables
    Pocketbook's Hill              Puck of Pook's Hill
    Dentist's Infirmary            Dante's Inferno
    Holy Smoke                     Divine Fire_


One librarian has the following entries in a card catalog:

  Lead Poisoning
  Do, Kindly Light.


A distinguished librarian is a good follower of Chesterton. He says: "To
my way of thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong
hand and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among
librarians; and when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that
most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."


Many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs. Here
are two:

  _An Ideal Husband_:
    Essentially a work of fiction,
     and presumably written by a
     woman (unmarried).

  _Aspects of Home Rule_:
    Political, not domestic.


In a branch library a reader asked for _The Girl He Married_ (by James
Grant.) This happened to be out, and the assistant was requested to
select a similar book. Presumably he was a benedict, for he returned
triumphantly with _His Better Half_ (by George Griffith).


"Have you _A Joy Forever_?" inquired a lady borrower.

"No," replied the assistant librarian after referring to the
stock. "Dear me, how tiresome," said the lady; "have you Praed?" "Yes,
madam, but it isn't any good," was the prompt reply.




LIFE


Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some
float and the rest--sink.


  I count life just a stuff
  To try the soul's strength on.

  --_Robert Browning_.


  May you live as long as you like,
  And have what you like as long as you live.


  "Live, while you live," the epicure would say,
  "And seize the pleasures of the present day;"
  "Live, while you live," the sacred Preacher cries,
  "And give to God each moment as it flies."
  "Lord, in my views let both united be;
  I live in _pleasure_, when I live to _Thee_."

  --_Philip Doddridge_.


  This world that we're a-livin' in
    Is mighty hard to beat,
  For you get a thorn with every rose--
    But ain't the roses sweet!


Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff
life is made of.--_Benjamin Franklin_.




LISPING


"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an
unusual lisp.

"Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk."




LOST AND FOUND


"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"


"What were you in for?" asked the friend.

"I found a horse."

"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."

"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him."


"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.


A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
this notice:

"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
its immediate return."

That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
these lines:

"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
owner would kindly lose the other link."


CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"

CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"

CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."




LOVE


Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's
board-bill for life.


MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a
man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"

MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our
daughter make the same blunder."


MAUDE--"Jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold."

ETHEL--"The foolish boy. Who is he telling it to?"

MAUDE--"His creditors."


RICH MAN--"Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?"

SUITOR--"Why, certainly!"

RICH MAN--"That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family."


  'Tis better to have lived and loved
  Than never to have lived at all.

  --_Judge_.


May we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts.


Here's to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.


  Here's to those that I love;
  Here's to those who love me;
  Here's to those who love those that I love.
  Here's to those who love those who love me.


It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better
than not to be able to love at all.--_Thackeray_.


  Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
  Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
  *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
  Endless torments dwell about thee:
  Yet who would live, and live without thee!

  --_Addison_.


    O, love, love, love!
    Love is like a dizziness;
  It winna let a poor body
      Gang about his biziness!

  --_Hogg_.


Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.--_Ovid_.




LOYALTY


Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other
morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening,
got into his auto and started for town.

At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began to get
nervous. When the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense
no longer, so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph
office with six telegrams to as many brother Elks living in town, asking
each if her husband was stopping with him overnight.

Morning came, and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the
missing man. As dawn appeared, a farm wagon containing a farmer and the
derelict husband drove up to the house, while behind the wagon trailed
the broken-down auto. Almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an
answer to one of the telegrams, followed at intervals by five others.
All of them read:

"Yes, John is spending the night with me."--_Bush Phillips_.


BOY--"Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an
hour."

POLICEMAN--"Why didn't you tell me before?"

BOY--"'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago."




LUCK


Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet
it.--_Douglas Jerrold_.


  O, once in each man's life, at least,
    Good luck knocks at his door;
  And wit to seize the flitting guest
    Need never hunger more.
  But while the loitering idler waits
    Good luck beside his fire,
  The bold heart storms at fortunes gates,
    And conquers its desire.

  --_Lewis J. Bates_.


"Tommy," said his brother, "you're a regular little glutton. How can you
eat so much?"

"Don't know; it's just good luck," replied the youngster.


A negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having
as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup.


_See also_ Windfalls.




MAINE


The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what
the people of different states were called.

"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the
people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know
as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the
people of Maine are called?"

"I know," said a little girl.

"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.

"Maniacs."




MAKING GOOD


"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus.

"Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif
him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see
him turn blue, an' on green to see him turn green, an' so on. Den de
fool gal, not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone, went an' put him
on a plaid, an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to
make good."


_See also_ Success.




MALARIA


The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and
proceeded to ask the usual questions.

"It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific
interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate
days. Do you think--is it your opinion--that they have, so to speak,
decreased in violence, if I may use that word?"

The patient smiled feebly. "Doc," said he, "on fever days my head's so
hot I can't think, and on ague days I shake so I can't hold an opinion."




MARKS(WO)MANSHIP


An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New
Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting
to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of
his wife.

When the woman came up, the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of
her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life. Seizing a stone in
the road, the Irishman's wife was about to hurl it, when the husband,
with wonderful presence of mind, shouted:

"Mary! Mary! Don't throw the stone at the dog! throw it at me!"


  Mary had a little lamb,
    It's fleece was gone in spots,
  For Mary fired her father's gun,
    And lamby caught the shots!

  --_Columbia Jester_.




MARRIAGE


MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?"

MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's
skeered to death of her!"


"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of
fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am
I--in heaven?"

"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."


Archbishop Ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day
for the purpose of administering confirmation, and asked one nervous
little girl what matrimony is.

"It is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled
to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world,"
she said.

"No, no," remonstrated her rector; "that isn't matrimony: that's the
definition of purgatory."

"Leave her alone," said the Archbishop; "maybe she is right. What do you
and I know about it?"


"Was Helen's marriage a success?"

"Goodness, yes. Why, she is going to marry a nobleman on the
alimony."--_Judge_.


JENNIE--"What makes George such a pessimist?"

JACK--"Well, he's been married three times--once for love, once for
money and the last time for a home."


Matrimony is the root of all evil.


One day Mary, the charwoman, reported for service with a black eye.

"Why, Mary," said her sympathetic mistress, "what a bad eye you have!"

"Yes'm."

"Well, there's one consolation. It might have been worse."

"Yes'm."

"You might have had both of them hurt."

"Yes'm. Or worse'n that: I might not ha' been married at all."


A wife placed upon her husband's tombstone: "He had been married forty
years and was prepared to die."


"I can take a hundred words a minute," said the stenographer.

"I often take more than that," said the prospective employer; "but then
I have to, I'm married."


A man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one
Saturday evening when a good Samaritan intervened.

"See here, my man," he protested, "this sort of thing won't do."

"What business is it of yours, I'd like to know," snarled the man,
turning from his wife.

"It's only my business in so far as I can be of help in settling this
dispute," answered the Samaritan mildly.

"This ain't no dispute," growled the man.

"No dispute! But, my dear friend--"

"I tell you it ain't no dispute," insisted the man. "She"--jerking his
thumb toward the woman--"thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages,
and I know darn well she ain't. Where's the dispute in that?"


HIS BETTER HALF--"I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled
down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week you know."

HER LESSER HALF--"Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right
sort of man comes along."

HIS BETTER HALF--"But why wait? I didn't!"


O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around
his hat.

"Why, Mike!" exclaimed his wife. "What are ye wearin' thot mournful
thing for?"

"I'm wearin' it for yer first husband," replied Mike firmly. "I'm sorry
he's dead."


"What a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has," gurgled
the maiden of forty. "It seems to possess all the elements of happiness
and sorrow, each struggling for supremacy."

"Yes, he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it,"
growled the Cynical Bachelor.


The not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a Kaslo B.C., man one
day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or
so.

"I'd like to let you have it, my dear," began the husband, "but the
fact is I haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say,
I haven't that amount to spare, inasmuch as I must take up a note for
two hundred dollars this afternoon."

"Oh, very well, James!" said the wife, with an ominous calmness, "If you
think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than
I can--why, do as you say, James!"


A young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly
clerk--a married man, by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old
gentleman who had been married fifty years.

Without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of Parkman's
"A Half Century of Conflict."


Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of
the house--the man or the woman.

"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner.
Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an
agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in
all the minor."

"How has it worked?" queried Jones.

Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."


A poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little
daughter:

"Minnie, what do you mean by shouting and screaming? Play quietly, like
Tommy. See, he doesn't make a sound."

"Of course he doesn't," said the little girl. "That is our game. He is
papa coming home late, and I am you."


The stranger advanced toward the door. Mrs. O'Toole stood in the doorway
with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow.

"Good morning," said the stranger politely. "I'm looking for Mr.
O'Toole."

"So'm I," said Mrs. O'Toole, shifting her club over to her other hand.


TIM--"Sarer Smith (you know 'er--Bill's missus), she throwed herself
horf the end uv the wharf larst night."

TOM--"Poor Sarer!"

TIM--"An' a cop fished 'er out again."

TOM--"Poor Bill!"


The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever.


"Well, old man, how did you get along after I left you at midnight. Get
home all right?"

"No; a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station, where I spent
the rest of the night."

"Lucky dog! I reached home."


STRANGER--"What's the fight about?"

NATIVE--"The feller on top is Hank Hill wot married the widder Strong,
an' th' other's Joel Jenks, wot interdooced him to her."--_Life_.


A colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly
misusing his wife. After hearing the charge against the prisoner, the
justice turned to the first witness.

"Madam," he said, "if this man were your husband and had given you a
beating, would you call in the police?"

The woman addressed, a veritable Amazon in size and aggressiveness,
turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered: "No,
jedge. If he was mah husban', and he treated me lak he did 'is wife, Ah
wouldn't call no p'liceman. No, sah, Ah'd call de undertaker."


We admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his
wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court, but we would hate to
have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night.


"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.

The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head,
thought it over a moment, and then replied:

"Five--four living and one married."


SHE--"How did they ever come to marry?"

HE--"Oh, it's the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you
know, and later on changed their minds."--_Puck_.


Nat Goodwin and a friend were walking along Fifth Avenue one afternoon
when they stopped to look into a florist's window, in which there was an
artistic arrangement of exquisite roses.

"What wonderful American Beauties those are, Nat!" said the friend
delightedly.

"They are, indeed," replied Nat.

"You see, I am very fond of that flower," continued the friend. "In
fact, I might say it is my favorite. You know, Nat, I married an
American beauty."

"Well," said Nat dryly, "you haven't got anything on me. I married a
cluster."


"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"

"Of course! What's the matter?"

"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a
dog's life ever since."


Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
such as are out wish to get in.--_Emerson_.


HOUSEHOLDER--"Here, drop that coat and clear out!"

BURGLAR--"You be quiet, or I'll wake your wife and give her this letter
I found in your pocket."


The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend
their time in making nets, not in making cages.--_Swift_.


_See also_ Church discipline; Domestic finance; Trouble.




MARRIAGE FEES


A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand
for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting
parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of
financial resources. The father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage."

"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get
the money."

It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a
marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned
with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the
satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made
wife seemed a little uneasy.

"Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the father.

"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not
be spoiled now."

"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."

"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil the
marriage?"

"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with
your marriage."

"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.
There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned
it."


MANDY--"What foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar? Are yo'
corresponding wif some other female?"

RASTUS--"Nope; but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese
'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah
from dat ministah what married us."--_Life_.


  The knot was tied; the pair were wed,
  And then the smiling bridegroom said
  Unto the preacher, "Shall I pay
  To you the usual fee today.
  Or would you have me wait a year
  And give you then a hundred clear,
  If I should find the marriage state
  As happy as I estimate?"
  The preacher lost no time in thought,
  To his reply no study brought,
  There were no wrinkles on his brow:
  Said he, "I'll take three dollars now."




MATHEMATICS


_See_ Arithmetic.





MATRIMONY


_See_ Marriage.





MEASURING INSTRUMENTS


"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short
and stout friend on Washington Street.

"What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other.

"Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother
Smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets. Dey haven't got
no yawdstick, and I's just ezactly six feet tall. So to oblige Brother
Smith, I's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house."




MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS


PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?"

THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of
the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a
perfect kid."




MEDICINE


The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor
came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something
to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his
medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail,
tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer
looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.

"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.

"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.

"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got
to catch that mule."


"I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy--the pills
three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime."

"Weeel, sir, I may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills, but I'm about six
weeks in front wi' the whusky."


Rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an
innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a
western newspaper. He wrote: "Wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale
of a patent medicine. The advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to
the undertaker."


I firmly believe that if the whole _materia medico_ could be sunk to the
bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind and all the
worse for the fishes.--_O.W. Holmes_.


A man's own observation, what he finds good of, and what he finds hurt
of, is the best physic to preserve health.--_Bacon_.




MEEKNESS

One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all
the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward
ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the
library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.

"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the
wife.

"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.

"A wish?"

"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."




MEMORIALS

Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
Said the cook:

"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on
my grave. Jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gits ripe,
you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes' bus' it on de grave, an'
let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"


"That's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there, Mr. Binkston,"
said the visitor.

"Yes," replied Mr. Binkston, proudly. "That is a memorial to my wife."

"Why--I was not aware that Mrs. Binkston had passed away," said the
visitor sympathetically.

"Oh no, indeed, she hasn't," smiled Mr. Binkston. "She is serving her
thirtieth sojourn in jail. That mantelpiece is built of the bricks she
was convicted of throwing."




MEMORY


"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a
drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you
remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?"

"No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him, but I done
fo'got sence I jined de chu'ch."


A noted college president, attending a banquet in Boston, was surprised
to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in
return.

"He has a most wonderful memory," a fellow diner explained. "He's been
doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a
mistake."

As the college president was leaving, the darky passed him his hat.

"How do you know that this one is mine?"

"I don't know it, suh," admitted the darky.

"Then why do you give it to me?"

"'Cause yo' gave it to me, suh."


"Tommy," said his mother reprovingly, "what did I say I'd do to you if I
ever caught you stealing jam again?"

Tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers.

"Why, that's funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can
remember." Smith is a young New York lawyer, clever in many ways, but
very forgetful. He was recently sent to St. Louis to interview an
important client in regard to a case then pending in the Missouri
courts. Later the head of his firm received this telegram from St.
Louis:

"Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."

This was the reply sent from New York:

"Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."


  When time who steals our years away
    Shall steal our pleasures too,
  The mem'ry of the past will stay
    And half our joys renew.

  --_Moore_.


  The heart hath its own memory, like the mind,
    And in it are enshrined
  The precious keepsakes, into which is wrought
    The giver's loving thought.

  --_Longfellow_.




MEN


  Here's to the men! God bless them!
    Worst of me sins, I confess them!
  In loving them all; be they great or small,
    So here's to the boys! God bless them!


    May all single men be married,
    And all married men be happy.


"What is your ideal man?"

"One who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it!"


I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men and not made
them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.--_Shakespeare_.


    Men are four:
  He who knows and knows not that he knows,--
    He is asleep--wake him;
  He who knows not and knows not that he knows not,--
    He is a fool--shun him;
  He who knows not and knows that he knows not,--
    He is a child--teach him;
  He who knows and knows that He knows,--
    He is a king--follow him.


_See also_ Dogs; Husbands.




MESSAGES


"Have you the rent ready?"

"No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you."

"Did she tell you she'd forgotten?"

"Yes, sir."


One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who,
while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his
wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and
sent this message: "Dear Pat, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife."




METAPHOR


It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the
woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out:

"It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of
the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights."


A water consumer in Los Angeles, California, whose supply had been
turned off because he wouldn't pay, wrote to the department as follows:

"In the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills, your company
is fast becoming a regular crystallized Russian bureaucracy, running in
a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform. There is no use of your
trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official
heads in the teeth of your own deeds.

"If you will persist in this kind of thing, a widespread conflagration
of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to
let loose the dogs of war in our midst. Will you persist in hurling the
corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of
collectors, thirsting for its blood? If you persist, the first thing you
know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling
along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls.

"If your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our
doors with unblushing footsteps, with cloaks of hypocritical compunction
in their mouths, and compel payment from your patrons, this policy will
result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg, until
you have pumped it dry--and then farewell, a long farewell, to our
vaunted prosperity."




MICE


"What's the matter with Briggs?"

"He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the
floor."--_Life_.





MIDDLE CLASSES


WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?"

PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to
accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."





MILITANTS


_See_ Suffragettes.





MILITARY DISCIPLINE


Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and
by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.

"Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without
orders."

Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.

"Murphy!" yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless
on the ground, "you dismounted!"

"I did."

"Did you have orders?"

"I did."

"From headquarters, I suppose?"

"No, sor; from hintquarters."


"How dare you come on parade," exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit,
"before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in
graise an' poipe clay? Tell me now--answer me when I spake to yez!"

The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the
sergeant stopped him.

"Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?" he cried. "Hould
yer lyin' tongue, and open your face at yer peril! Tell me now, what
have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills? Not a word, or
I'll clap yez in the guardroom. When I axes yez anything an' yez spakes
I'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez
don't answer when I questions yez, I'll have yez punished for
disobedience of orders! So, yez see, I have yez both ways!"


Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.--_Channing_.




MILLINERS


Recipe for a milliner:

  To a presence that's much more than queenly,
    Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere;
  You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,
    "Only $300, my dear!"

  --_Life_.




MILLIONAIRES


Recipe for a multi-millionaire:

  Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
   Add thrift and sobriety, mixed--
  Flavor with quarts of religion,
    And see that the tariff is fixed.

  --_Life_.


MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)--"Be off with you this minute!"

BEGGAR--"Look 'ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is
that you are makin' your second million, while I am still workin' at my
first."


"Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep
right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?"

"No, sir. You do me an injustice. I'm going to put in the rest of my
time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition."


"When I was a young man," said Mr. Cumrox, "I thought nothing of working
twelve or fourteen hours a day."

"Father," replied the young man with sporty clothes, "I wish you
wouldn't mention it. Those non-union sentiments are liable to make you
unpopular."


No good man ever became suddenly rich.--_Syrus_.


  And all to leave what with his toil he won,
  To that unfeather'd two-legged thing, a son.

  --_Dryden_.


_See also_ Capitalists.




MINORITIES


Stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his
plays, Bernard Shaw said to the audience:

"What do you think of it?"

This startled everybody for the time being, but presently a man in the
pit assembled his scattered wits and cried:

"Rotten!"

Shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his Irish smiles.

"My friend," he said, shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd
in front, "I quite agree with you, but what are we two against so many?"




MISERS


  There was an old man of Nantucket
  Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
    But his daughter, named Nan,
    Ran away with a man--
  And as for the bucket, Nantucket.


A mere madness, to live like a wretch, and die rich.--_Robert Burton_.




MISSIONARIES


SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!"

HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in
religion!"


At a meeting of the Women's Foreign Missionary Society in a large city
church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of
people that inhabited a far-away land. Some insisted that they were not
a man-eating people; others that they were known to be cannibals.
However, the question was finally decided by a minister's widow, who
said:

"I beg pardon for interrupting, Mrs. Chairman, but I can assure you that
they are cannibals. My husband was a missionary there and they ate him."




MISSIONS


"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she
entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken
toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes and general debris into an open
box.

"Why, mother," cried Hilda, "can't you see? I'm packing a missionary box
just the way the ladies do; and it's all right," she added reassuringly,
"I haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all!"




MISTAKEN IDENTITY


  There was a young fellow named Paul,
  Who went to a fancy dress ball;
    They say, just for fun
    He dressed up like a bun,
  And was "et" by a dog in the hall.


A Scottish woman, who was spending her holidays in London, entered a
bric-a-brac shop, in search of something odd to take home to Scotland
with her. After she had inspected several articles, but had found none
to suit her, she noticed a quaint figure, the head and shoulders of
which appeared above the counter.

"What is that Japanese idol over there worth?" she inquired of the
salesman.

The salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone:

"About half a million, madam. That's the proprietor!"


The late James McNeil Whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop,
the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for
comparison. A man rushed in with his hat in his hand, and, supposing
Whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him.

"See here," he said, "this hat doesn't fit."

Whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot, and then
drawled out:

"Well, neither does your coat. What's more, if you'll pardon my saying
so, I'll be hanged if I care much for the color of your trousers."


The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on
the deck and waited for the start. At length one of them espied a
cyclist in the far distance, and it soon became evident that he was
doing his level best to catch the boat.

Already the sailors' hands were on the gangways, and the cyclist's
chance looked small indeed. Then a sportive passenger wagered a
sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it. The offer was taken, and
at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement.

"He'll miss it."

"No; he'll just do it."

"Come on!"

"He won't do it."

"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah!"

In the very nick of time the cyclist arrived, sprang off his machine,
and ran up the one gangway left.

"Cast off!" he cried.

It was the captain.


Much to the curious little girl's disgust, her elder sister and her girl
friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor, before she could
wedge her small self in among them.

She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response.
She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled
no longer. "Dodo!" she called in staccato tones as she knocked once
again. "'Tain't me! It's Mamma!"




MOLLYCODDLES


"Tommy, why don't you play with Frank any more?" asked Tommy's mother,
who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the
block. "I thought you were such good chums."

"We was," replied Tommy superciliously, "but he's a mollycoddle. He paid
t' git into the ball-grounds."




MONEY


In some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for
children.

One Saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew 2
cents from his account. Monday morning he promptly returned the money.

"So you didn't spend your 2 cents?" observed the worker in charge.

"Oh, no," he replied, "but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on
hand over Sunday."


_See also_ Domestic finance.




MORAL EDUCATION


Two little boys, four and five years old respectively, were playing
quietly, when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek. An
interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other
who had done nothing.

"Well," replied the pugilistic one, "last Sunday our lesson in
Sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the
other and get another crack, and I just wanted to see if Bobbie knew his
lesson."




MOSQUITOES


Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a convention in Oklahoma
City recently, told this story, illustrating a point he made:

"A northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a
fishing-trip. It was his first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes
were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at the same time
he could hear his friend snoring audibly.

"The next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking.

"'Jim,' he said, 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with
so many mosquitoes around?'

"'I'll tell yo', boss,' the darky replied, 'de fust part of de night de
kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part
of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel.'"


_See also_ Applause; New Jersey.




MOTHERS


While reconnoitering in Westmoreland County, Virginia, one of General
Washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a
plow by a burly slave. Finer animals he had never seen. When his eyes
had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver: "Hello good fellow!
I must have those horses. They are just such animals as I have been
looking for."

The black man grinned, rolled up the whites of his eyes, put the lash to
the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil.

The officer waited until he had finished the row; then throwing back his
cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes.

"Better see missus! Better see missus!" he cried waving his hand to the
south, where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old
Virginia mansion.

The officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great
brass knocker of the front door.

Quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave,
majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry.

"Madam," said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity,
"I have come to claim your horses in the name of the Government."

"My horses?" said she, bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command.
"Sir, you cannot have them. My crops are out and I need my horses in the
field."

"I am sorry," said the officer, "but I must have them, madam. Such are
the orders of my chief."

"Your chief? Who is your chief, pray?" she demanded with restrained
warmth.

"The commander of the American army, General George Washington," replied
the other, squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride.

A smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features. "You
go and tell General George Washington for me," said she, "that his
mother says he cannot have her horses."


The wagons of "the greatest show on earth" passed up the avenue at
daybreak. Their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old Billie and
five-year-old brother Robert. Their mother feigned sleep as the two
white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall, on the way to
investigate. Robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of
putting on his clothes. "Wait for me, Billie," his mother heard him beg.
"You'll get ahead of me."

"Get mother to help you," counseled Billie, who was having troubles of
his own.

Mother started to the rescue, and then paused as she heard the voice of
her younger, guarded but anxious and insistent.

"_You_ ask her, Billie. You've known her longer than I have."


A little girl, being punished by her mother flew, white with rage, to
her desk, wrote on a piece of paper, and then going out in the yard she
dug a hole in the ground, put the paper in it and covered it over. The
mother, being interested in her child's doings, went out after the
little girl had gone away, dug up the paper and read:

    _Dear Devil_:
    Please come and take my mamma away.


One morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook
to death. The cook lost patience finally. "Clear out o' here, ye sassy
little brat!" she shouted, thumping the table with a rolling-pin.

The little girl gave the cook a haughty look. "I never allow any one but
my mother to speak to me like that," she said.


The public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street. Something
about his appearance halted her. She stared at him in her near-sighted
way.

THE LADY--"Little boy, haven't you any home?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Oh, yes'm; I've got a home."

THE LADY--"And loving parents?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"I'm afraid you do not know what love really is. Do your
parents look after your moral welfare?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"Are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen?"

THE LITTLE BOY--"Yes'm."

THE LADY--"Will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on 'When
Does a Mother's Duty to Her Child Begin?' next Saturday afternoon, at
three o'clock, at Lyceum Hall?"

THE LITTLE BOY (explosively)--"What's th' matter with you ma! Don't you
know me? I'm your little boy!"


  Here's to the happiest hours of my life--
  Spent in the arms of another man's wife:
    My mother!


                Happy he
  With such a mother! faith in womankind
  Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high
  Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,
  He shall not blind his soul with clay.

  --_Tennyson_.


                Women know
  The way to rear up children (to be just);
  They know a simple, merry, tender knack
  Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes,
  And stringing pretty words that make no sense,
  And kissing full sense into empty words;
  Which things are corals to cut life upon,
  Although such trifles.

  --_E. B. Browning_




MOTHERS-IN-LAW

Justice David J. Brewer was asked not long ago by a man.

"Will you please tell me, sir, what is the extreme penalty for bigamy?"

Justice Brewer smiled and answered:

"Two mothers-in-law."


SHE--"And so you are going to be my son-in-law?"

HE--"By Jove! I hadn't thought of that."


WAITER--"Have another glass, sir?"

HUSBAND (to his wife)--"Shall I have another glass, Henrietta?"

WIFE (to her mother)--"Shall he have another, mother?"


A blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man: "Send me
$5,000 or I will abduct your mother-in-law."

To which the business man replied: "Sorry I am short of funds, but your
proposition interests me."


An undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and
asked whether he should bury, embalm or cremate her. The man replied,
"All three, take no chances."





MOTORCYCLES


The automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community,
and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without
any visible means of locomotion. His eyes bulged, however, when a
motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash
around a bend in the road.

"Gee whiz!" he said, turning to his son, "who'd 'a' s'posed that thing
had a colt?"





MOUNTAINS


Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having
victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long
range) fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains. It is
said that the captain of a steamboat on Kootenay Lake once heard a great
splash in the water. Looking over the rail, he spied the head of a man
who was swimming toward his boat. He hailed him. "Do you know," said the
swimmer, "this is the third time to-day that I've fallen off that bally
old ranch of mine?"




MOVING PICTURES


"Your soldiers look fat and happy. You must have a war chest." "Not
exactly, but things are on a higher plane than they used to be. This
revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern."




MUCK-RAKING


The way of the transgressor is well written up.




MULES


Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious
principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty
equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's brigade was known all
through the army as the Christian brigade, and he was very proud of it.

There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, however, whose ears
were deaf to all exhortation. General Howard was particularly anxious to
convert this man, and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the
camp where the man was on duty. He talked with him long and earnestly
about religion and finally said:

"I want to see you converted. Won't you come to the mourners' bench at
the next service?"

The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then
replied:

"General, I'm plumb willin' to be converted, but if I am, seein' that
everyone else has got religion, who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the
mules?"




MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT


"What's the trouble in Plunkville?"

"We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission."

"Well?"

"Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good
magazine."




MUSEUMS


It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six
of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their
enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder
at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her.

"Well, boys, where have you been all afternoon?" asked the father of two
of the party that evening.

The answer came back with joyous promptness: "Oh, pop! Teacher took us
to a dead circus."


Two Marylanders, who were visiting the National Museum at Washington,
were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a
placard bearing the inscription. "B.C. 1187."

Both visitors were much mystified thereby. Said one:

"What do you make of that, Bill?"

"Well," said Bill, "I dunno; but maybe it was the number of the
motor-car that killed him."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.




MUSIC


The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano
player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who
stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil.


A thief broke into a Madison avenue mansion early the other morning and
found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
refuge behind a screen.

From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.

From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.

From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.

From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.

At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.

The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five, and
falling at their feet, cried:

"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"


A lady told Swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient
Florentine retornello which had just been discovered. She then played
"Three blind mice" and Swinburne was enchanted. He found that it
reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the Medicis--which, perhaps,
it does.--_Edmund Gosse_.


The accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections,
when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor
suggested Mozart's Twelfth Mass. Several people echoed the request, but
one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece, explaining that
her husband had belonged to that very regiment.


Dinner was a little late. A guest asked the hostess to play something.
Seating herself at the piano, the good woman executed a Chopin nocturne
with precision. She finished, and there was still an interval of waiting
to be bridged. In the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her
right and said:

"Would you like a sonata before going in to dinner?"

He gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly:

"Why, yes, thanks! I had a couple on my way here, but I could stand
another."


Music is the universal language of mankind.--_Longfellow_.


I even think that, sentimentally, I am disposed to harmony. But
organically I am incapable of a tune.--_Charles Lamb_.


  There's music in the sighing of a reed;
  There's music in the gushing of a rill;
  There's music in all things, if men had ears:
  Their earth is but an echo of the spheres.

  --_Byron_.




MUSICIANS

FATHER--"Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to
your house, as I suggested?"

BOY--"Yes, sir."

FATHER-"And what did he say?"

BOY--"'E said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give
up playin' the pianner."


The "celebrated pianiste," Miss Sharpe, had concluded her recital. As
the resultant applause was terminating, Mrs. Rochester observed Colonel
Grayson wiping his eyes. The old gentleman noticed her look, and,
thinking it one of inquiry, began to explain the cause of his sadness.
"The girl's playing," he told the lady, "reminded me so much of the
playing of her father. He used to be a chum of mine in the Army of the
Potomac."

"Oh, indeed!" cooed Mrs. Rochester, with a conventional show of
interest. "I never knew her father was a piano-player."

"He wasn't," replied the Colonel. "He was a drummer."--_G.T. Evans_.


Recipe for an orchestra leader:

  Four hundred and twenty-two movements--
    Emanuel, Swedish and Swiss--
  It's a wonder the hand can keep playing,
    You'd think they'd die laughing at this!

  --_Life_.


                'Tis God gives skill,
  But not without men's hands: He could not make
  Antonio Stradivari's violins
  Without Antonio.

  --_George Eliot_.




NAMES, PERSONAL

Israel Zangwill, the well-known writer, signs himself I. Zangwill. He
was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady, who demanded,
"Oh, Mr. Zangwill, what is your Christian name?"

"Madame, I have none," he gravely assured her.--_John Pearson_.


FRIEND-"So your great Russian actor was a total failure?"

MANAGER-"Yes. It took all our profits to pay for running the electric
light sign with his name on it."--_Puck_.


A somewhat unpatriotic little son of Italy, twelve years old, came to
his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name
changed.

"Why do you wish to change your name?" the teacher asked.

"I want to be an American. I live in America now. I no longer want to be
a Dago."

"What American name would you like to have?"

"I have it here," he said, handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on
which was written--Patrick Dennis McCarty.


A shy young man once said to a young lady: "I wish dear, that we were on
such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first
name."

"Oh," she replied, "your second name is good enough for me."


An American travelling in Europe engaged a courier. Arriving at an inn
in Austria, the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance
with the police regulations of that country. Some time after, the man
asked the servant if he had complied with his orders.

"Yes, sir," was the reply.

"How did you write my name?" asked the master.

"Well, sir, I can't pronounce it," answered the servant, "but I copied
it from your portmanteau, sir."

"Why, my name isn't there. Bring me the book." The register was brought,
and, instead of the plain American name of two syllables, the following
entry was revealed:

    "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leather."

--_M.A. Hitchcock_.


The story is told of Helen Hunt, the famous author of "Ramona," that
one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and
told her pastor about it.

"Very well," he said, "you keep it, and at the evening service I will
announce it," which he did in this wise:

"This morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money.
If the owner is present he or she can go to Helen Hunt for it."

And the minister wondered why the congregation tittered!


A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention of the
pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, the girl,
entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened to glance in
his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.

"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.

The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.

"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.

"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.


The comedian came on with affected diffidence.

"At our last stand," quoth he, "I noticed a man laughing while I was
doing my turn. Honest, now! My, how he laughed! He laughed until he
split. Till he split, mind you. Thinks I to myself, I'll just find out
about the man and so, when the show was over, I went up to him.

"My friend," says I, "I've heard that there's nothing in a name, but are
you not one of the Wood family?"

"I am," says he, "and what's more, my grandfather was a Pine!"

"No Wood, you know, splits any easier than a Pine."--_Ramsey Benson_.


"But Eliza," said the mistress, "your little boy was christened George
Washington. Why do you call him Izaak Walton? Walton, you know, was the
famous fisherman."

"Yes'm," answered Eliza, "but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de
troof made dat change imper'tive."


The mother of the girl baby, herself named Rachel, frankly told her
husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the
eminent members of the family, and she would like to give the little
girl a name entirely different. Then she wrote on a slip of paper
"Eugenie," and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty
name.

The father studied the name for a moment and then said: "Vell, call her
Yousheenie, but I don't see vat you gain by it."


  There was a great swell in Japan,
  Whose name on a Tuesday began;
    It lasted through Sunday
    Till twilight on Monday,
  And sounded like stones in a can.


He was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town
and hung his sign outside of his office door. It read: "A. Swindler." A
stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said: "My goodness,
man, look at that sign! Don't you see how it reads? Put in your first
name--Alexander, Ambrose or whatever it is."

"Oh, yes I know," said the lawyer resignedly, "but I don't exactly like
to do it."

"Why not?" asked the client. "It looks mighty bad as it is. What is your
first name?"

"Adam."


  Who hath not own'd, with rapture-smitten frame,
  The power of grace, the magic of a name.

  --_Campbell_.




NATIVES


FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the
planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet."

FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be very funny,
Bill Smith; but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance; they
ain't natives in France--they're as white as wot we are."--_Sketch_.




NATURE LOVERS


"Would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little?"

"What for?"

"For my father over yonder in the park. He's a trifle deaf and he hasn't
heard a robin this summer."




NAVIGATION


The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the
Captain why he didn't go on.

"Can't see up the river, madam."

"But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the stars overhead."

"Yes, ma'am," said the Captain, "but until the boilers bust we ain't
goin' that way."




NEATNESS


The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common
remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to
appreciate their advantages.

A bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another
side to the matter.

"Martha, have you wiped the sink dry yet?" asked the farmer, as he made
final preparations for the night.

"Yes, Josiah," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I did want a drink, but I guess I can get along until morning."




NEGROES


A colored girl asked the drug clerk for "ten cents' wuth o'
cou't-plaster."

"What color," he asked.

"Flesh cullah, suh."

Whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster.

The girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous, but her
face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said:

"I ast for flesh cullah, an' you done give me skin cullah." A cart
containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule. The
driver, a darky of about twenty, was endeavoring to induce the mule to
increase its speed, when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and
dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in
a twinkling. He lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked
him.

"Is he hurt?" asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had
jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver.

"No, Boss," was the older man's reply; "dat mule will probably walk kind
o' tendah for a day or two, but he ain't hurt."


In certain parts of the West Indies the negroes speak English with a
broad brogue. They are probably descended from the slaves of the Irish
adventurers who accompanied the Spanish settlers.

A gentleman from Dublin upon arriving at a West Indian port was accosted
by a burly negro fruit vender with, "Th, top uv th' mornin' to ye, an'
would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit, sor?"

The Irishman stared at him in amazement.

"An' how long have ye been here?" he finally asked.

"Goin' on three months, yer Honor," said the vender, thinking of the
time he had left his inland home.

"Three months, is it? Only three months an' as black as thot? Faith,
I'll not land!"


Dinah, crying bitterly, was coming down the street with her feet
bandaged.

"Why, what on earth's the matter?" she was asked. "How did you hurt your
feet, Dinah?"

"Dat good fo' nothin' nigger [sniffle] done hit me on de haid wif a club
while I was standin' on de hard stone pavement."


"'Liza, what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'?"

"Go on, Nigga', dat ain't shoe-blacknin', dat's ma massage cream!"


"Johnny," said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's
face with soap and water, "didn't I tell you never to blacken your face
again? Here I've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off."

"I--I--ouch!" sputtered the small boy; "I ain't your little boy.
I--ouch! I'se Mose, de colored lady's little boy."


The day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her
mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping.

"Why should I keep your money for you? I thought you were going to be
married?" said the mistress.

"So I is, Missus, but do you 'spose I'd keep all dis yer money in de
house wid dat strange nigger?"


A southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of George. George
received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing. He had his eyes on
a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough
to suit him, so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing
grease on one knee. When the colonel saw the spot, he called George and
asked if he had noticed it. George said, "Yes, sah, Colonel, I noticed
dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out, but I couldn't."

"Have you tried gasoline?" the colonel asked.

"Yes, sah, Colonel, but it didn't do no good."

"Have you tried brown paper and a hot iron?"

"Yes, sah, Colonel, I'se done tried 'mos' everything I knows of, but dat
spot wouldn't come out."

"Well, George, have you tried ammonia?" the colonel asked as a last
resort.

"No, sah, Colonel, I ain't tried 'em on yet, but I knows dey'll fit."


A negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors, and
after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser
was asked why he did not try a "safety," to which he replied: "I ain'
lookin' for that kind. I wants this for social purposes."


Before a house where a colored man had died, a small darkey was standing
erect at one side of the door. It was about time for the services to
begin, and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey: "De
services are about to begin. Aren't you a-gwine in?"

"I'se would if I'se could, parson," answered the little negro, "but yo'
see I'se de crape."


_See also_ Chicken stealing.




NEIGHBORS


THE MAN AT THE DOOR--"Madame, I'm the piano-tuner."

THE WOMAN--"I didn't send for a piano-tuner."

THE MAN--"I know it, lady; the neighbors did."




NEW JERSEY


"You must have had a terrible experience with no food, and mosquitoes
swarming around you," I said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been
cast upon the Jersey sands.

"You just bet I had a terrible experience," he acknowledged. "My
experience was worse than that of the man who wrote 'Water, water
everywhere, but not a drop to drink.' With me it was bites, bites
everywhere, but not a bite to eat."




NEW YORK CITY


At a convention of Methodist Bishops held in Washington, the Bishop of
New York made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities
of his state. Bishop Hamilton, of California, like all good
Californians, is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to
equal a place he knows of on the Pacific, and following the Bishop of
New York he gave a glowing picture of California, concluding:

"Not only is it the best place on earth to live in, but it has superior
advantages, too, as a place to die in; for there we have at our
threshold the beautiful Golden Gate, while in New York they only
have--well, you know which gate it is over at New York!" One night Dave
Warfield was playing at David Belasco's new theatre, supported by one of
Mr. Belasco's new companies. The performance ran with a smoothness of a
Standard Oil lawyer explaining rebates to a Federal court. A worthy
person of the farming classes, sitting in G 14, was plainly impressed.
In an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had
the seat next him.

"Where do all them troopers come from?" he inquired.

"I don't think I understand," said the city-dweller.

"I mean them actors up yonder on the stage," explained the man from
afar. "Was they brought on specially for this show, or do they live
here?"

"I believe most of them live here in town," said the New Yorker.

"Well, they do purty blamed well for home talent," said the stranger.


A traveler in Tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his
cabin door basking in the sunshine.

"He could have walked r